Quotes / Ice-Cream Koan

"Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense

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    Film — Animated 

"The selfish man is like a mangy dog chasing a cautionary tail."
Sgt. Tamora Calhoun, Wreck-It Ralph

    Film — Live-action 

"It's all just a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know, a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Those are good. The sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain. The moment where your laughter becomes a cackle. And I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt."
Troy, Reality Bites

"It's possible that I hate Troy more than any other fictional or living human."
Jezebel, "I Re-Watched Reality Bites and It's Basically a Manual for Shitheads"

Arthur: Oh, stay with me, Hobson. You know I hate to be alone.
Hobson: Yes, bathing is a lonely business.
Arthur: Except for fish.
Hobson: —I beg your pardon..? Did you say "except for fish"??
Arthur: Yes. Fish all bathe together. (rethinks) Although they do tend to eat one another. I often think fish must get awfully tired of seafood. What are you thoughts, Hobson?
Hobson: Pardon me. (removes Arthur's hat and beats him with it)
Arthur (1981 film)

"You know, it's an interesting thing when you consider... The Earth people, who can think, are so frightened by those who cannot: the dead."

The Sphinx: If you do not learn to master your rage—
Mr. Furious: "Your rage will become your master"?
The Sphinx: ....
Mr. Furious: That's what you were gonna say, right?!
The Sphinx: ... Not necessarily...

"You speak entirely in parables, don't you? You're like a crap Jesus."
Toby to Chad, In the Loop

Barbossa: Aye, we're good and lost now!
Elizabeth: LOST?!
Barbossa: For sure, you have to be lost to find a place as can't be found, elsewise everyone would know where it is!


"In unifying your chi with that of your opponent—in aligning the breath of your life and theirs—you will storm the strongest fortress. There! Is that a good Secret?

I have no idea. It sounds as if it might be really profound. It also sounds like baloney. It is, therefore, the highest-quality bullshido, or martial arts hogwash. I don't know whether to commit it to memory and study it or consider it an object lesson in the ease with which you can counterfeit ancient proverbs."''

"In the Second Scroll of Wen the Eternally Surprised, a story is written concerning one day when the apprentice Clodpool, in a rebellious mood, approached Wen and spake thusly:
"Master, what is the difference between a humanistic, monastic system of belief in which wisdom is sought by means of an apparently nonsensical system of questions and answers, and a lot of mystic gibberish made up on the spur of the moment?"
Wen considered this for some time, and at last said: "A fish!"
And Clodpool went away, satisfied."

    Live-action TV 

Parker: A man with one watch knows the time. A man with two is never sure.
Sophie: Hnh?
Parker: I had fortune cookies for breakfast.
Leverage, "The Snow Job"

    Video Games 

"What is the most admirable creature on God's green Earth? Why, it's the bee! Have you ever seen a bee on vacation? Have you ever seen a bee take a sick day? Well, my friends, the answer is no! So I say, be... the bee!"
Jeremiah Fink, BioShock Infinite

Otacon: Okay... There's a saying that goes "Even a bird on high dies a glutton's death, as do the fish of The Deeps." The lesson is — er, don't be greedy. The fish that belonged to a family called the Deeps died from overfeeding, and so did a bird that got high on something — probably fermented fruit.
Snake: ...okay. If you say so.
Otacon: I do, Snake. Don't take unnecessary risks just because you're greedy for more Items. Remember the Deep family's fish.

Otacon: Do you know the saying "Those who walk a hundred leagues think not that their journey is half ended until the ninetieth league?" That means... what does it mean? Okay, it means that if you're planning to walk that far, you'd better damn well know how to do simple arithmetic. Study! Stay in school!
Snake: This seems to be getting more and more random.
Otacon: Correction: It's becoming more deep. Trust me!

Cleaner #1: So get this: He tells me I'm "new to the job, I'm workin' with all the colors except green." What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Cleaner #2: Could be like symbolism. Like sayin' you're green.
Cleaner #1: He said I wasn't using green! Everything but green!
Cleaner #2: Was that like saying you're using too many colors, or too few, or what?
Cleaner #1: You're asking me? What the hell do colors have to do with contract killing anyway? I'd like to know.
Max Payne 2

"You talk in circles, Cernd, but that's okay. Boo runs in them."

Kanji: Man is just an animal trying to figure out how to kill time through his days.
Chie: Huh. You made that sound like you were being philosophical. Yet it made absolutely no sense.

"Disclaimer: The incomprehensibility of your statement in no way validates it, master."


time / and beauty / are orthogonal
to learn / is to die having learned
an object sought / finds the seeker / before they look


It's kinda Zen when you think about it, if you don't think too hard.

    Web Original 

"We eat chickens. We take a bird and we put it in our bodies. In our stomach it dissolves down into atoms and then those atoms enter our bodies. We do this every day all over the planet. Now, think about this: WE are the chickens."

"The nude man catcheth the hen while the clothed man shivers."

"If HBO ever decides to do a season of True Detective in space, they should get Jaden Smith to write the script."
Michael K., "Scientology is a hellufafucking drug."

"‘I have been on the bridge that spans two worlds, the link between all souls by which we cross into our own true nature!’ I honestly have no idea what Mulder is talking about here. It's probably meant to sound really meaningful but actually sounds meaningless... It's lovely that [Chris] Carter holds the Navajo Indians in such esteem but why does he insist on filling their mouths full of his incomprehensible poetic dialogue that makes them all sound like pubescent teenagers spouting philosophy to impress the girls?"
Joe Ford on The X-Files, "The Blessing Way"

"“He wanted to do with himself what he had done to the atom. Split it in half.” That is what happens when you hire scientists who work on metaphor rather than actual science. One suspects that Alexander was great fun at office parties, but wasn’t particularly useful when it came to doing all the actual science stuff."
Darren Mooney on Millennium, "Matryoshka

"Ever since Dlisted started, it feels like I’ve squirted out a post about the death of Will and Jada’s marriage at least a couple of times a year...I refuse to believe this until bong philosopher Jaden Smith tweets out something like, “Divorce isn’t a goodbye, it’s a hello in the form of a seed that grows into a flower that represents our true selves.”"
Michael K., "Who is going to get custody of Tom Cruise?!"

    Web Video 

Slovak: Fate and destiny are but two sides of a worthless coin that should be given to a baker on Skid Row!
Allison Pregler watches Vampire Assassin

Sage: Critic... the path to enlightenment... is the enlightenment of the path.
The Nostalgia Critic: Yes, and the way to pain is to nail you in the nads.

"Now here they throw more pretentious crap on the screen. How 'bout givin' me some pretentious patterns instead? This ain't good enough."

"Is like mother always said: "A drop in the basket is worth a shepherd's shilling." Remember that, take it to heart!"

    Western Animation 

"What would Uncle do? "Zuko, you have to look within yourself to save yourself from your other self. Only then will your true self reveal itself." (Beat) Ugh, even when I'm talking for him I can't figure out what he means."

    Real Life 

"Every time you eat a chicken or a banana, it becomes a human."
Deepak Chopra

"There’s the doughnut and there’s the hole, and you should keep your eye on the doughnut… The hole is so deep and so bad. The doughnut is a beautiful thing."

"In the animal kingdom, let a budgie fly into the open and the sparrows kill it. If you don’t belong, life can get very strange."
Jimmy Savile, Love is An Uphill Thing (memoir)

"I don’t want to get into some long psychological investigation into the frightening mind of Jimmy Savile, because it’ll end up like that film The Cell, but with some boy scouts eating their breakfast on a rollercoaster that dips and swerves into an old man’s glittering anus."
Stuart Millard, "Summer of Savile"

"u can't always walk a straight line, especially if the line is crooked"
— From Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte's Twitter Account

"Fear is the dark room where the devil develops his negatives."
Gary Busey

"We have the ability to approach our race like ants, or we have the ability to approach our race like crabs."
Kanye West, Oxford address 3.2.15

"When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea."
Shia LaBeouf (or was it Eric Cantona?) in response to a press question

"The fans used to say, ‘Tell me something to live by, Doctor.’ They’re always saying that. I used to say really dumb things like, ‘Remember, the living are just the dead on holiday,’ and they’d go, ‘Ohh man, did you hear that? The living are just the dead on holiday!’"

"Thousands of years ago, they didn't have doctors stop bleeding. They had to be able to control their bleeding. So instead of bleeding to death they could go on and live."
Master Dominik Giocobbe

"Master Giacobbe's version of history is so much better than ours. I don't think he's right, but let's not get into that tired debate of which came first, the karate trance or the bandage?"

"What does it feel like to die? I believe it’s a choice. See, you can choose darkness and finality, gnashing of teeth. Or you can choose life."

"Just so I have this straight…for Sting, dying feels like a choice, wherein one of the choices is in fact to live."