Peoriah Johnson told Dudlow Jones
"I can break out of any old jail you know
The bars are iron, the walls are stone
All I need me is an old fish bone."
They're servin' fish in the jailhouse tonight
Oh boy, alright.
— Tom Waits
, "Fish in the Jailhouse" - Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers & Bastards
Unfortunately, it's also got a terrible track record of actually keeping criminals locked up. I'm not saying it's a revolving door, but it seems like every time I pick up the morning paper Nanosec or the archer guy has busted out.
This thing on? I'm gonna be brief. Because I'm dying. Because I got shivved. A lot. I just wanna get it on record that using force fields for doors in a space prison is a bad idea. You know what would have been better? Regular doors. With locks. Locks that don't open when the power goes out. [cough cough] Man, those blue force fields looked good, though. Every time I saw one, I thought, "Wow. I am in space." Still, though. A door made out of paper would have been better in the long run. Would have at least slowed 'em down for a second. Anyway. [cough] Anybody not escaping or shivving me, get back to work.
I bet they didn't mention the 740 inmates who didn't
escape! Warden Hazelwood:
I like you. You're a "prison half full" kinda guy.
He was, on the whole, a pretty good jailer: he always had a pot of tea on the go, he was as a general rule amiably disposed to most people, he was too slow to be easily fooled and he kept the cell keys in a tin box in the bottom drawer of his desk, a long way out of reach of any stick, hand, dog, cunningly thrown belt or trained Klatchian monkey spidernote
You don't know the first thing about the American justice system, do you? Robin:
I know it's bogus. Bruce Wayne:
And how did you come to that well-thought-out conclusion? Robin:
I got 35 years, but they let me out early. Kid:
How long did you do this time? Scars:
Lennyís presence initiates an escape plan that identifies Luthorís guards as the single dumbest cops in the history of the world. Seriously, they are two men willing to just cold start ignoring a guy who once tried to nuke California
the second someone drives up with surround sound, and they end up being driven off a cliff by remote control for it, which is about what they deserve. Iím just not sure why it was necessary to even have a plan to escape from these morons, let alone one that involved destroying a car. I think Luthor couldíve probably just pretended to throw a tennis ball
and distracted them long enough to make a break for it. David
: Heís also held with all of a single chain between his legs, which Lenny breaks with the almighty boltcutters, Lex Luthorís secret weapon.
After police completed the difficult job of arresting him, the prison psychiatrist completed the easy job of declaring [Viacheslav] Datsik insane. He was locked away in a high security mental hospital. Three years later, they moved this superhumanly violent lunatic to a minimum security clinic. See if you can spot where they made a mistake. Datsik tore through a goddamn barbed wire fence with his bare hands, stole a cell phone and escaped to Norway...So now, after multiple concussions, a four year disappearance, a diagnosis of schizophrenia, three years in a hospital for the criminally insane, a screaming jog through a barbed wire fence, a Nazi costume
and the world's most ridiculous request for political asylum, he gets extradited back to Russia and the psychiatrists now declare him, get this, legally sane. Now I know what Yakov Smirnoff meant when he said that in Soviet Russia fucks don't give you.
Suge Knight made us all think of Suge Knight again last week when he killed a man and injured another on the set of the NWA
biopic Straight Outta Compton
in L.A... Nobody tell Suge this, but if he lost about 300 pounds, painted himself orange, put on a stringy ginger wig, changed his name to Lindsay Lohan
and then pleaded guilty to murder, the judge would sentence him to 3 minutes in jail and revoke his Starbucks privileges for a week.
Why was Kroagnon kept locked up in the basement where he can plot his revenge? Why wasn't he carted off to the nearest prison? The only answer I can think of is that the original inhabitants of Paradise Towers wanted to give him a fighting chance.
It might be escape-proof for an elderly Vulcan with a gut
, but not a ninety-pound Chinese acrobat you may find yourself having to imprison...what is it with Star Trek
brigs having all sorts of panels and doohickeys on the wall, too? In that episode "I Borg"—y'know, that one with Hugh the Borg?—Geordi attaches a thing to a control panel which allows a power surge for the Borg to eat energy. What is that shit even there??
But then again, the force field
isn't even a good idea. You remember that episode of Star Trek: Voyager
where Tuvok had to transport, like, 50 dangerous convicts in their cargo bay? This fucking genius makes fifty cages
but with one
open side for a force field. 'Cause I guess it's the future or somethin', and you gotta have a force field
. But then later on, the power goes out and all the force fields drop. Then everybody escapes. Why not just make FUCKING CAGES, YOU STUPID ASS?!
How 'bout a room with plain walls, and good old iron bars?