Quotes / Bill Clinton

Quotes from Clinton:

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky."

— January 26, 1998

"Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not appropriate."

— August 17th, 1998

"Our rich texture of racial, religious and political diversity will be a Godsend in the 21st century. Great rewards will come to those who can live together, learn together, work together, forge new ties that bind together."

— Second Inaugural Address, January 20, 1997

"Yesterday is yesterday. If we try to recapture it, we will only lose tomorrow."

— Speech at the University of North Carolina's 200th Anniversary

"...Osama bin Laden — he’s a very smart guy, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about him. And I nearly got him once. I nearly got him. And I could've killed him, but I would have to destroy a little town called Kandahar in Afghanistan and kill 300 innocent women and children. And then I would have been no better than him. And so I didn’t do it."

— Melbourne, 9.10.01, ten hours before the September 11th World Trade Center attacks

"Strength and wisdom are not opposing values."

— At the 2004 Democratic National Convention in Boston, MA, July 26, 2004

"It turns out that advancing equal opportunity and economic empowerment is both morally right and good economics. Why? Because poverty, discrimination, and ignorance restrict growth. When you stifle human potential, when you don't invest in new ideas, it doesn't just cut off the people who are affected. It hurts us all.

We know that investments in education and infrastructure and scientific and technological research increase growth. They increase good jobs, and they create new wealth for all the rest of us."

— At the 2012 Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, NC, September 5, 2012

Fiction:

He's Jimmy Carter with a Fox attitude!

— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, "Weekend at Burnsie's"

For the most urgent matters, this Clinton man is a formidable enemy. He might be a stronger enemy than King Darius.

— Alexander the Great, Fate/Zero

Max: Come on, you should know this. Clinton was the fun one, then came the boring one.
Terry: They're all boring.

— Batman Beyond

Lois: (in bed with Clinton) Peter! Look, I know this looks bad, and I feel horrible, and-and I know nothing I could say to you could possibly justify why I slept with Bill, except...I mean, Peter, the man presided over the longest economic expansion in U.S. History and...he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to its lowest level in 33 years!
Clinton: 35 years.
Lois: 35 years, Peter!

— Family Guy

Robot Bear: I'm Bill Clinton, and I urge you to work for Duke Phillips!
Jay: That's not Clinton. That's just one of your mechanical Hillbilly bears.
Duke: Yeah, but so far nobody's noticed.

— The Critic

Quotes about Clinton:

A man might 'forget' where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

— Barbara Bush

I was reading newspapers at the time and it is true that Roosevelt was attacked for his Communist-Fascist policies, but no hookers were ever given prime time on television (even if it had been invented then) to discuss his cock.

— Gore Vidal, Palimpsest, 1995

Years ago, in the middle of the Whitewater investigation, one heard the first murmurs: white skin notwithstanding, this is our first black President.

— Toni Morrison, "On the First Black President", 1998

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!

— Eddie Izzard

"Last thing I remember was the economy was working and there was a budget surplus... Where's Clinton?"
We impeached him.
"Fuck! For what?"
A blowjob.
"Wow! Who did he blow, Putin?"

— Robin Williams, Weapons of Self-Destruction

Is THAT against the law? Do you need the Supreme Court for THAT one? You coulda took that one to The People's Court! Coulda took that one to Judge Judy! She'da knocked that one out in a half hour plus commercial!

— Chris Rock, Bigger and Blacker

Bill Clinton will be addressing the nation tonight at 10pm. Nitro and Raw will also be on at the same time. So fans will have to choose between talk, sex, and talk about sex.
America — what a country!

—DDT, 8.17.98

The infamous (and completely baseless) "Bill Clinton body count list" has been a fixture of conspiracy theorising since the late nineties...Those opposed to Clinton could cite the suicide of Vince Foster or the death of Ron Brown as evidence that the Clintons were not who they claimed to be. Those defending Clinton (like Monica Lewinsky or Hillary Clinton) could argue that the President was the victim of "a vast right-wing conspiracy." The nineties saw the emergence of conspiracy theory as a tool of political discourse, and President Clinton was a major part of that.

—Darren Mooney

Come on, people. Is this really the best we can do? Toronto's mayor is out there sucking on a glass dong and what kind of scandals are we countering with? A talking points memo about Benghazi and some boring IRS bullshit? This is pathetic. In my day, we had Presidents that jizzed on interns and made them stuff cigars up into their bodies. Now THAT is a scandal, my friends. But the IRS giving a closer look at Tea Party groups? That's not a scandal. That's just common sense. Of course the IRS gave these people additional scrutiny. THEY DON'T WANNA PAY ANY FUCKING TAXES

—Drew Magary, "Call me when Obama orders Biden to off his mistress. Then we'll be getting somewhere"

Even if he married a robot, even if he did not "have sexual relations with that woman", even if he goes for the occasional intern blowjob, even if he signed NAFTA, Bill Clinton is still the coolest president ever. We should all just learn to forgive Bill Clinton, punch Al Gore, and steal the Nobel and give it to Bill so he can use it as a sexual device.

—Uncyclopedia

For a moment, it appears that Nixonian politic fades...For a flickering moment, we lose sight of our own history. For a moment, it feels possible to ignore Watchmen, to ignore Dirty Harry, to ignore looming nuclear armageddon. A saxophone may yet lead us from darkness, but it was not to be. The radiant light of the information age turned dark in only a decade. The ensuing darkness lasted eight years.

— Dr. El Sandifer

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