Just For Fun / TV Tropes Additional Evil Overlord Vows Cellblock W

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2201. Should a Law Enforcement Officer ask me out on a date, be very careful. This is especially true if we've just met - perhaps coffee or tea would be better to start with.
2202. Before I invoke You Have Outlived Your Usefulness on a subordinate, coerced prisoner or outside contractor, I will first make certain that they genuinely have outlived their usefulness. Evil ventures have bus factors just like commercial ones do, and if I'm not careful, I could end up executing the only person who knows how to maintain my doomsday device.
2203. If I need to find out whether someone can maintain my doomsday device, I'll simply claim they have outlived their usefulness. If they tell me that they can maintain my doomsday device and this is verified true by my science team, they're the sort of person who will operate the device. If they don't say anything, then I'll kill them, since even if they did know they would likely use this information to hinder my goals.
2204. Better still, have them sign Non-Disclosure and Non-Compete agreements. Heroes can't force them to talk, and rival villains can't hire them. Contract Law is very useful to know.
2205. If I am in the process of doing a hostage exchange in which I have no intention of honoring my side of the deal, I will not pull my double-cross until I have secured what I am trying to get. If I kill my hostage too early, the hero will kill/destroy/take back what I'm after, I will have no leverage in the fight that will inevitably follow, and I will have just pissed them off.
2206. If the hero's crew is a Dysfunction Junction, I'll try to use that to my advantage. However, I will never actively try to leverage severe mental illness: I do happen to have standards, low as they may be, and I would much rather fight the hero in 'regular' mode than the 'risen from the ashes of their defeat and royally pissed off' mode.
2207. If I get a New Recruit, I will not immediately send them out with my Veteran forces - that would just get them killed too quickly. Instead, I'll see to it that they are trained up to acceptable standards, as well as being well equipped. After all, it's possible, with training, they'll learn useful abilities, especially in Fantasy, Sci-Fi and Science Fantasy settings.
2208. If I know that my foe is in the area, investigate those reports of petty vandalism — sound of broken bottles and other such things. It's possible that they foe is trying to collect money for upgraded gear.
2209. If my guards spot a barrel, or cardboard box, or some other object big enough to hid a person, seeming to follow them, or find it in a spot where it previously wasn't, one is to train their weapon on said item, as another knocks the object over. Might catch a sneaky sort this way. In any case, guards should take notice of such moved items, even if no one is found.
2210. On that subject, make sure all barrels and the like are sealed shut.
2211. I will construct my fortress' walls in such a way that they can not be easily scaled by a hero wielding a bow and an improvised grappling hook.
2212. On that note, I will have not just normal guards but also several archers or other long-range fighters posted on said walls at all times.
2213. If my universe has guns or an equivalent, I will keep one on or near my person, fully loaded, at all times.
2214. Also, if my universe has guns, I will not use an inferior weapon (such as a sword) for my main attack. Of course, this will depend on what kind of gun it is, like if it is a single-shot, meaning I'd need the sword anyways, or if it holds 100+ rounds, although I might still want something for when I run out of ammo, like a sword.
2215. Given how often Heroic Thieves, and those with acrobatic and parkour skills tend to show up, make sure that there's no easily climbable sidings and the like on my buildings. The only exception is Emergency Exits, which will have alarms go off if they are messed with.
2216. My fortress, science lab, and warehouse for giant killer robots will all be separate buildings, in distant locations, connected only by high security transport that can immediately be shut down should any of the three be compromised.
2217. I will always remember what my ultimate goal is. My purpose in life is not to kill the hero. It is to conquer and rule. Killing the hero is just a step on the path to my goal, due to the fact that he keeps getting in the way. If I allow myself to get tunnel vision, I'll never make any progress towards my actual objective.
2218. If I survive an assassination attempt — especially because of some accident of fate — and my only ally to pick from is a peasant, whom I'd wronged before, who will only help me if I agree to build my Summer Home someplace else, accept the deal. I can indeed build my Summer Home someplace else - on top of my failed assassin's home would be a delicious irony.
2219. If I do indeed make a deal with the above peasant, and shake on it, keep said deal. Even if I don't have hands, due to a transformation potion or spell, they still shook my wrist, or whatever.
2220. If the above peasant finds out that my advisor has been trying to kill me, and tells me, believe him. He has nothing to gain for telling me such a lie.
2221. If, during the heat of battle, I ever hear the Superman theme, any of Batman's themes, Godzilla's theme, the Rocky theme, He's A Pirate, Eye of the Tiger, Ai wo Torimodose, Stan Bush's The Touch, or heaven forbid, il vento d'oro (along with similar iconic hero themes) I will cut my losses and run. The moment any of those songs start playing, I know I'm screwed.
2222. If my forces see the enemy jump into one of my otherwise empty vehicles, said vehicle is to be destroyed immediately. Exceptions can be made if the vehicle is carrying an important MacGuffin.
2223. Never make it so that my security codes are easily visible to where someone with even a basic el-cheapo camera, much less a spy one, can take a picture of said code.
2224. I will not kill a henchman for something petty, like not changing the security code on the vault from 1, 2, 3. Instead, I will kill them for something serious, like if they knowingly told the Hero that the code to the vault was indeed 1, 2, 3.
2225. Never kill a mook, and then tell another mook to clean up the dead mook's body. It's not good for them to do that. Have a professional clean-up crew do it.
2226. If I am fighting two heroes, and one is The Paragon while the other is a heavily flawed Unscrupulous Hero, I will regard the Unscrupulous Hero as the greater threat. It won't always work out that way, but it usually does.
2227. Heroes have an almost compulsive need to finish major villains off by exploiting unsafe details of their lairs, such as spiky wall decorations, open pits, and large objects that can easily be tipped over. To prevent this, I will require my interior decorators work side by side with an OSHA inspector.
2228. Any and all exhaust chutes on any and all large, resource-consuming projects such as planet-killing weapons will be specifically engineered to produce enough exhaust that any projectiles fired in will immediately be pushed out.
2229. On that note, I will design my superweapons so that even if weaknesses are unavoidable, those flaws in the armour will not be near the control room, power core or any other area that can be used to shut the weapon down.
2230. In the event that I'm a werewolf, and silver's the only thing that can kill me, yet lead shotgun slugs and the like can still blast me away by a dozen yards, just don't get shot!
2231. Same thing with steel blades, if they can cut me - sure they can't kill me, but healing up from the injury they inflicted upon me might buy the hero the time they need to get to the silver one.
2232. If I get the funny feeling that I'm being followed, yet when I look behind me, and see nothing, it might be a good idea to look upwards, carefully of course. This goes double in the case of dealing with those acrobatic thief types.
2233. If my Legions have been repeatedly smashed in battle despite possessing equal or superior numbers, I shall investigate the reasons for this before my reign is ended. This shall include, but not be limited to following areas: discipline, training, leadership, equipment, logistics, and tactics. Any particular areas that require remediation will be addressed as much as possible before the next battle.
2234. If my Legions of Terror are lacking discipline, exhibiting trepidation, or even fear of the opposing army and even display a Cult of Personality for the opposing leader, they will not be decimated in the old Roman style. This simply wastes manpower and tends to sap morale which is likely already in a limited supply. Rather, I shall implement better training, shore up and improve logistical areas, visit with and be as visible to my Legions' grunts as possible (subject to other rules within the list and circumstances permitting), and improve the tactical and strategic situation before drawing my opponents into another pitched battle.
2235. Pursuant to the rule above, further battles will be done where the battlefield and related tactics my Legions employ will ensure that my Legions will be victorious. One or two such demonstrations should immediately prove to the Legions the superiority of their Overlord over their previously incompetent generals.
2236. Generals and others within my Legions of Terror who display a remarkable military ability while not being a threat to me politically will be promoted, decorated, and trumpeted by my Propaganda...Information Services Bureau. They will not be dismissed or otherwise shuffled off to a strategic backwater unless they genuinely deserve it. Many wars were lost because Fearless Leader was feeling spiteful and inadequate. I will not make the same mistakes.
2237. While in the field, I will ensure my supply lines and baggage trains are sufficiently guarded while being supported by other garrisons if such is possible. I will ensure that adequate stocks of every item needed for a successful campaign is available with reasonable expediency before proceeding with the invasion of a neighboring territory. I will study the weather and history of my neighbor to ensure that I've reasonably anticipated these needs in advance. This will ensure that while I will attempt to "live off the land" as much as possible, I will not be screwed over by Fabian tactics or the "worst weather in 'X' years" which seems to crop up all too often in these sorts of endeavors.
2238. If the power that I am at war with has displayed a superiority in one area that I am deficient in, I shall work to close that gap as much as possible while exploiting the areas where I am stronger. For example, if my opponent has a stronger navy than I do while my land forces are superior, I will have ships designed that are able to be produced with a reasonable quality and allow a boarding capability for my superior soldiers. Good luck bombarding my coast with a sword shoved up your arse!
2239. My Home Guard or other Reserve will not be allowed to fall below a readiness level that can't be resolved with a week or two of training. If my local governors or praetors contest this in any capacity, they will be released - from an air balloon with no parachute.
2240. New conquered...acquired territories will be integrated into my empire compliant to other rules on this list. This includes a slow melding of their culture into mine. However, if their populace is particularly famous for some aspect of warfare or niche that may prove useful, such as excellent archery, marksmanship, horsemanship, mountain warfare, skirmishing, or tactical flare, I will use and integrate that expert capability into the greater banner of my Legion. This not only improves my manpower situation but will allow that unit to serve as a bright spot for the area's population as they are integrated into my Empire. Further, the units produced from these areas will be allowed some customization of their military uniforms to allow for a certain esprit de corps among the grunts. Gradually as their home land absorbs the customs of my empire, including its military methods, they will be allowed to keep these "garnishments" if the unit so chooses. However, the beaconing these units once provided should no longer be as necessary.
2241. My governors will be instructed to respect local customs as much as possible. Accommodations for local religious and cultural identity will be made, so long as no greater law in my Empire is broken. Any local leadership displaying a raging hateboner for their subjects simply because they work for the Evil Overlord and believe themselves inviolate as a result will be subject to a rather rude awakening because daddy will be coming and oh will he be pissed.
2242. If an area that has recently come under subjugation tends to a patriarchal or matriarchal society, they will be slowly disabused of this notion when it comes to positions of import in governance. Pursuant to other rules and guidelines on this list, we will be an equal opportunity evil empire. As such, things like ability, competency, and loyalty are to be the primary attributes for positions of importance in my Empire, not sex or tradition. Other aspects of society, such as religion and economics, will be dealt with in time pursuant to other rules on this list.
2243. If my newly acquired territories have slaves or otherwise indentured servants, they shall be quickly freed. This will only serve to further my own good public image and allow me a ready pool of manpower to draw upon that will be singularly loyal to me or my banner.
2244. Of course, this would not prevent covert pushing of that society toward some form of oppression towards that group. After all, I am an EVIL Overlord and societal scapegoats are often useful for a variety of things.
2245. If the Hero and his Merry Band of Miscreants are prophesized to come from this group, I will take the appropriate measures.
2246. If my own military power is overwhelming, I will remind my generals, Dragon, and otherwise Trusted Lieutenants that this is no excuse to waste the lives of my Legions should it not be necessary. As such, due caution will be exercised to avoid overextension of my lines or otherwise open myself up to ambushes in favorable terrain for a less numerous enemy. Artillery shells, ammunition, arrows, trebuchet stones, swords, and armor will be much easier to replace than the grizzled veterans that will form the core of my Legions and, as such, will be expended first. If my military brass fucks up my armies, I will fuck them up.
2247. I will pay due attention to Domestic Affairs where possible. If my Advisors inform me of growing unrest in my populace, I will immediately move to rectify the source of agitation and be seen as doing it as publicly as possible. If my Major Domo and other Civil Servants decide to get cute and oppress the populace too much, they will find out exactly why I am called "The Terror of a Thousand Generations." As my home front must be stable and domestic economy strong to support my warring Legions abroad, I will not take any risks to my homelands lightly. As such, the necessary "justice" will be swift and punishments severe to any who don't get that "Daddy isn't happy when you try and break with his things."
2248. As a necessary corollary, if the Hero or the Rebellion are actively subverting my home front's economy and otherwise just being a general pain in the ass, they will be dealt with according to other rules in this list.
2249. If my political power is contingent upon the approval of council of leaders from my homeland's tribes or a similar legislative body, I will ensure that the numbers are stacked with those sympathetic to my viewpoint. This shall include a mixture of fudging elections, bribes, cajoling, quid pro quo, good PR, sound domestic policy, resounding military successes, and keeping a pulse on the veins of my populace. In the worst case, should it be necessary to throw off the veneer of legitimacy that I've been maintaining, said council will understand that sometimes might does make right.
2250. Unless said council has powers beyond my ability to deal with. If such is the case, I will find a way to nullify their advantage before making the appropriate moves.
2251. If areas that I have conquered have been good little protectorates and behaved themselves minus the occasional minor revolt, I will expedite their integration into the Empire as a province of equal standing with the areas in my dominion, subject to all the laws therein. There is simply no reason to make a population wait for citizenship that otherwise seems amicable to my... benevolent protection.
2252. If I find out I have a Starscream in my Empire's power structure at any level, I will simply kill them. It's not worth whatever potential benefits they have when I have to put up with their crap.
2253. If my Legions are otherwise unstoppable in the field and my home front is stable, I will not move to upend anything that has made this possible unless something cataclysmic were to happen. I will integrate new tactics and equipment during rest and refit periods for my units and any other training can be done after the necessary periods of leave or rotation from the frontlines back to the home front. New regulations and reforms will be introduced as necessary. Of course, this will not stop active pursuit of new technology, tactics, magic, equipment, etc. that will benefit my Legions and any simple improvements that can be done without requiring new logistical headaches will be implemented post haste.
2254. Of course, if a new power comes along that outstrips my Empire's own and is crushing my Legions, I will ensure I have the necessary R&D "in the pipe" to counter whatever it is crushing my Legions while invoking the appropriate responses from my allies and mobilization programs. A heart that still beats can accomplish great feats, a boot in the grass can still kick ass.
2255. If during the course of my empire's ass being kicked I find that a fluke circumstance has produced a beneficial result, such as a defeat of this hitherto undefeated and undefeatable power, I will seek to understand why that happened and do it again if possible. Odds are that if this has happened, there is a good reason for it and I should investigate why that is and why I missed it. If it's due to a substance in plentiful supply in my Empire's borders, the appropriate measures will be taken to refit my Legions as soon as possible with this substance. After that, my allies will be similarly supplied.
2256. If my neighbors who have previously been antagonistic towards my realm are not able to procure or produce this substance, I will weigh the appropriate benefits of supplying them on favorable terms or letting that realm fall into destruction. I will take the appropriate course that benefits me and my Empire the most.
2257. If the Hero and his Rebellion are otherwise successful in overthrowing my rule despite all my precautions, I will seek to bow out quietly with my pension and move to an island with tranquil weather, fantastic drinks, dynamite cuisine, friendly locals, and a killer party scene. If I have done my job correctly, I will not be the Greatest Evil facing the world and will simply be allowed to abdicate than be put on any form of a trial. I might be evil, but I am not stupid.
2258. While on duty, members of my Evil Organization™ will be required to maintain a certain level of professional conduct. Generally, what my minions do in their off time is their own business and there will be leeway for casual conduct and other informality so long as goals are achieved with reasonable efficiency. However, looting, pillaging and littering with will be kept to a minimum. Leaders who generally do not keep their soldiers in-line will be ousted - off the top of a mountain.
2259. Loot and plunder will be divided evenly amongst my Legions of Terror. While I shall be entitled to a larger share (after all, I am the Evil Overlord), my soldiers will be entitled to a share of whatever booty is gained during and at the completion of our Campaigns of Conquests. This will not count as part of their salary, but simply as a bonus exempt from taxation. A co-opt armed services is a cooperative armed services. Further, this will add more incentive among the poorer demographics in my empire to join my Legions. Win, win, win.
2260. My soldiers that are wounded in battle and no longer able to campaign with a reasonable efficacy shall be given an option to move into administrative or other non-combative roles (subject to their particular talents and needs of my Legions) or else be retired with honor. Those choosing the latter will be given retirement benefits commiserate with the length of their service and service record acquired during that tenure. However, at no point, will they be forgotten or left in a state of destitution. Such may give my enemies, the Hero, or the Rebellion a pool of experienced and trained combat veterans to draw upon that know my Legion's tactics, strengths, and, in particular, weaknesses. I cannot risk that.
2261. Any soldiers who deliberately wound themselves in the line of duty will be dismissed - from the deck of a ship in the middle of the ocean. We will not needlessly sacrifice lives. We shall always praise the fallen and care for those that are left behind. We shall be a disciplined force of nature the likes of which the world has yet to see. We are not, however, cowards.
2262. I will seek to work with whatever Nature Spirits inhabit my dominion or lands that I conquer so that I may understand what will and will not be tolerated before they rawdog me and my Legions. I shall work to establish equitable or symbiotic relationships with them, such as taking old or dead wood from the Primeval in exchange for planting new growth flora. Strict ecological policies will be implemented, including recycling, reusing, repurposing, and otherwise limited the dominion's footprint. My civil and military leaders will be expected to honor these obligations. This isn't so much out of fear, but simply limiting the variables that may cause my harm to my dominion/empire. Further, this is just good PR and sensible stewardship of the one world we all inhabit. As a bonus, I may gain unexpected allies if Captain Planet sees me doing good things while the Rebellion is the one burning things to the ground.
2263. My Legions of Terror will be instructed to avoid campaigning on old burial grounds used by our current enemy, particularly if that enemy is adept at the necromantic arts or possess a deep ancestral theology. That's just asking for it.
2264. Pursuant to the previous rules regarding professionalism, I shall maintain a certain reputation for honor and professionalism. While I will blow the Hero, his Merry Band of Miscreants, and the Rebellion to whatever Hells the current storyline world may have, I will honor whatever oath or contract that I make to the letter (if not spirit). This includes any exchanges of prisoners, promises of pardons to the Rebellion, temporary alliances of convenience, and so on. While this may appear to be Honor Before Reason (particularly if I have the Hero dead to rights at point blank range for a split second), a reputation for being reliable has it's own merits that cannot be discounted. Besides, at the conclusion of our contract, the bombers will already be in the air and about three minutes out from their target - the Hero.
2265. I will use a variety of intelligence gathering methods and sources that are suitable for whatever narrative I am in. This shall include, but not be limited to: organic and other human intelligence, electronic and other intercepts, divination, scrying, prophecy, analysis of currents events and societal trends, historical context, mythology, torture (if necessary), rumor, innuendo, drunken ramblings of the populace, failed students of old mentors, and open source data gathering. While some of those assets are obviously more reliable than others, all have some value when given and used in proper context.
2266. If I employ assassins, I will not waste them on the Hero. Hero's tend to be annoyingly good as surviving assassination attempts. Rather, these assets will be used again other targets of value, including the opponents leadership, hero's family (pursuant to other rules in this list and karmic possibilities of the narrative that I am in), and random conspiracy theorists selected as appropriate. For the Hero, I shall use independent bounty hunters to track and fix them in a location while the artillery is called in.
2267. If at all possible, my capital will not be the administrative, communitive, and economic focal point of my dominion. That just asking for a concentrated, hopeless, all out, last-ditch offensive by the Rebellion that may somehow succeed despite whatever precautions I take. The economy will be as decentralized as possible to avoid putting too much emphasis or onus on one city or region for any vital part of my war machine. My lines of communication and traffic will be secured and with multiple redundant ways of keeping information and items in motion. My administrative center, or "capital", will be whatever fortress I am inhabiting with my regional governors and civil leaders answerable to me - or the bomb I have implanted in their brain.
2268. Pursuant to the above rule, my capital will be chosen based on a variety of factors, including strategic defensibility. However, in keeping with the previous guideline, various functions of my government will be farmed out to other regional population centers to avoid putting all my governmental eggs in one basket. As a necessary corollary, if the MacGuffin that is the source of my power can be possibly broken up, it will be done so to be compliant with this rule and others in the list. This shall include grains of sand and interstellar space traffic if possible.
2269. Though this has been said, it bears repeating: My favorite weapon will be the one that does the job while allowing the greatest distance between me and the Hero/Rebellion.
2270. Landmines are useful for funneling enemies into kill zones. Artillery is useful for fixing an enemy in place while simultaneously wearing down their resolve and numbers. Arrows and bolts are useful for picking off armored knights at a distance. Scorpions and trebuchets are useful for delivering a variety of payloads, including diseased carcasses. The lesson? While the methods may not be honorable, there is nothing more "honorable" than victory.
2271. Further, the previous rule also demonstrates that the expenditure of ammunition and other munitions of war are far more preferable to that of my legion's lives with a fraction of the cost in time and resources to produce.
2272. In addition to any other prerequisites, the Generals at the head of my Legions of Terror will be required to pass any basic training my mooks/grunts are required to complete. There will be none of this nonsense about nobility or wealth being a requirement for command positions and thus being exempt from Basic. My minions will be more willing to follow orders if their leaders know their viewpoint and are willing to endure the same hardships they are.
2273. If for any reason it becomes necessary to force the hero into a Roaring Rampage of Revenge, it will done in such a way that they are distracted with useless side plots I've enacted with just enough "security" to make it look legitimate. While they are suitably distracted, I can proceed with any main plans that I have without interference.
2274. If I am forced to use the Hero's family or love interest as a catalyst for their Roaring Rampage of Revenge, I will ensure that I can defuse their angry revenge-laden foray at any time, such as showing the Hero that their family member or love interest is, in fact, alive. This will be done in such a way that it appears to have been a gross misunderstanding on their part. This will accomplish multiple objectives. First, I will be allowed a personally gratifying What the Hell, Hero? moment. Second, this will show the Hero that I am worth my Noble Demon reputation. Last, while they are experiencing the inevitable adrenal exhaustion and are appropriately distracted crying tears of joy, it will make it easier for my snipers to do their job. Dodge that, Hero! Heh haha..muwaHAHAHAHAHA!!!!...ha... sorry, must remember Rule 20.
2275. I will ensure that I am on a first name basis with those in custodial or similar positions and that they are otherwise able to earn a decent living. A firecracker exploding on the exterior of an apple won't do as much damage as one ignited that's already inside. As such, I will demonstrate to those that are doing those jobs that are important but menial that they are appropriately valued.
2276. This goes double for my personal guard, praetorian units, or other similarly security force responsible for my personal safety. Why take a bullet for Dear Leader when you can't afford to eat?
2277. I will allow eccentric geniuses in my organization a certain degree of latitude to accomplish their tasks. However, this freedom comes with expectations of measurable results. While the world may never conquered using a Beta version of anything, it certain can't be conquered with things left on the drawing board.
2278. Those eccentric geniuses in my organization who produce with regularity will be rewarded regularly. This extends to any family they have in form of tuition, property, and so on. Titled nobility is out of the question unless the production and loyalty proves to be, in fact, generational. Those that fail to produce will be dealt with using other rules in this list, including being sure the incinerator that's supposed to be kept perpetually hot actually is.
2279. In the event that I actually use time travel as a means to depower my rivals - by causing issues with their ancestors - I will not just leave my minions behind after they've served their purpose - they might decide to take revenge by going after MY ancestors. That would be a reversal of a certain trope, I think.
2280. It's one thing to leave a calling card when the job is done, but never brag to my rivals while in the middle of an operation.
2281. In the event that there's some mobile game where folks can go to actual locations to fight and/or capture fictional monsters, make sure that my lair is not one of those sites. A Hero is one thing - I don't want to put up with regular idiotic trespassers.
2282. As a double word score to Rule 2241, if my local governors are raiding into territories of a skilled adversary with whom I have a tentative, fragile peace that I need to hold while I address other concerns, I will not hesitate to break my foot off in his ass. Triple word score is if he is making prisoners of pilgrims/travelers in those lands over my borders. If he is violating any rules of hospitality? Yahtzee.^note During the rise of Salah ad-Din, later known as Saladin the Great, his held a tentative two year peace Baldwin IV, the King of Jerusalem. During this time, Baldwin had a subordinate named Raynard who would raid into Salah ad-Din's lands, take prisons and treasure, and otherwise make himself a nuisance. Baldwin never did bring Raynard to heel and, eventually, Salah ad-Din used the raids as a pretext to kick the shit out of the Franks in the area.
2283. If the rules of Sacred Hospitality are a thing and previously unknown diplomats who claim to be from the Great Khan or similarly titled entity arrive in my dominion saying they want negotiate a trade deal, I will have my Intelligence Services conduct the appropriate investigations if I am not already aware of this "Great Khan". As they investigate, I will use the negotiations to stall for time. If it turns out this Great Khan indeed has the current Terror of the Age at his back, I will negotiate the appropriate deal in good faith as my own empire will simply benefit from the additional trade while opening the avenue to greater military benefits down the line. If this Great Khan is simply a bluff, I will eventually decline further negotiations. I will not, under any circumstance kill or imprison the envoys. That's just asking for it.^note During the early expansion of the Mongol Empire, Ghengis Khan sent emissaries with gifts to the Shah of the Khwarezm Empire, seeking to establish trade relations. However, one of the governors in the empire had the envoys arrested claiming that they were spies. Further envoys demanding the first emissaries release eventually resulted in them all being killed. Genghis, as a firm believer in the rules of Hospitality, did not take this lightly. The Khwarezm Empire fell the sands of history in short order. Later, a Venetian trading post in the Black Sea met with one of Genghis's greatest generals, Subutai. In exchange for knowledge regarding Eastern Europe and it's peoples, Subutai promised to fuck up any non-Venetians in the area and the Venetians were never directly threatened by the Mongolian Empire. The motto: Do your homework.
2284. Though this has been said, it again bears repeating. If my empire's greatest strength is constantly turned against me in battle, I will not keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Stubborn generals lose battles. Flexible strategists win wars.
2285. As an addendum to Rule 154, if I am on a military campaign where I have a crushing numerical advantage and I receive advice from a person that I have never met before that seems too good to be true, I will first ascertain the true source of this information. Free advice is seldom cheap.^note During the Battle of Red Cliffs, Cao Cao received advice from a person who had not frequented his court before named Pang Tong that advised him to chain his ships together so make it easier for them to navigate the waters of the Yangtze River. Deeming this sound, he did so. Subsequently, his ships were met by fire ships that set ablaze by his opponents and sent into those chained ships, who could not maneuver for obvious reasons. Obviously, Pang Tong was a spy from his opponents. This setback, combined with a severe defeat on land a little later, set Cao Cao back for years in Southern China and he never did live to see his dream of unifying China as a result.
2286. If I have two countries on my borders that are equal in strength to my own and are naturally antagonistic towards the other while not having mutual geographic border, I will subtly and covertly work on stoking those natural "fires of friendship" between the two. This will be done via many different and confusing routes that cannot be logically traced back to me. Once they are on the verge of conflict, I will announce a strategic withdrawal to "secure my borders" while moving in such a way that these two lovebirds will now come into direct contact. While selling weapons to either side (who says I can't make a profit while I'm waiting?), I will allow them to slug it out to near mutual annihilation while working diplomatically on the international scene to keep it as a "purely internal conflict". Once they are exhausted in every feasible way, I will come in under the guise of a peacekeeping force and begin the proper annexation protocols pursuant to other rules in this list. Not only does this paint me as a brilliant benevolent Overlord who only cares for the safety of my people and the region, I gain territory without shedding a drop of blood from the sons of my Empire.
2287. If I am funding or otherwise supplying the Rebellion or other insurgency inside in an antagonistic country's borders, I will ensure that I am using the weapons, currency, or other materials and methods from the OTHER antagonistic country that would have political reasons to fuck with them.
2288. I will maintain a careful, if not completely accurate, record of evidence for the ambassador of the antagonistic country that I am fucking with to show that it is in portrait, if not fact, that the other antagonistic country is the ones fucking with them.
2289. If I encounter a foreign political appointee that I have to kill to get what I want, I will ensure I have the bomb planted on their mode of transportation and will deal with whatever guilt I have at a later time with my board appointed psychiatrist.
2290. If I ever have knowledge of the Hero's secret identity, I will simply pocket this in case it becomes useful for a future episode. While it may be tempting to imperil the hero's family or acquaintances because of just how much of an annoying little shit they are, Heroes tend to be stupidly lucky at addressing these situations. As such, it's better to use this info for a suspenseful and useful pause to either get away, stall the hero for a brief moment, or a similar moment of dramatic tension. This will simply play to my benefit and allow me to move beyond Villain of the Week status due to audience demand.
2291. If my average five-year-old advisor comes from an otherwise unremarkable, average nuclear family, I will investigate to see if I may make use of the other siblings in some capacity. If the genetics or environment that produced someone that I intrinsically rely upon to help make decisions that will decide the future of my empire that happens to also be fumbling around with crayons, it's possible there is a untapped resource there I may tap. This is, of course, keeping in any child labor laws in my empire. After all, being publicly seen keeping up the proper front must be done at all times.
2292. Whether or not siblings of my average five-year-old advisor are useful, I will work to win over the loyalty of the family line in whatever ways are possible without resorting to mind control. Likely, this will simply involve paying off the mortgage, medical bills, and tuition for their immediate children while enabling them to have a comfortable retirement.
2293. If my average five-year-old advisor is an orphan, adoption proceedings will begin immediately. Of course, raising said five-year-old advisor to be well adjusted and loved goes without saying. If I have biological children, other rules on this list will be consulted as necessary. However, the protection of the brains of my empire will be paramount.
2294. If the Hero or Rebellion harm my adopted average five-year-old advisor in any capacity, be it physically, psychologically, emotionally, or intellectually, they will learn why the Terror of a Thousand Generations isn't simply a polite sobriquet given to me. Given I maintain a veneer of professionalism that endures me to the audience of whatever narrative I am in, other rules have maintained the Hero's family is off limits for a variety of reasons unless said harm were accidental. These two items are not mutually exclusive. However, if I am not extended the same courtesy by the Hero? Well, that will be an interesting day then, wouldn't it?
2295. If the Hero or Rebellion are holding my adopted average five-year-old advisor in a place that is considered Sacred Ground, it will made as public as possible why that ground is will be violated in more ways than militarily if my adopted average five-year-old advisor is not returned unharmed post haste. If the narrative gods or TV audience are indeed sympathetic to me as a character, they will understand why and, in fact, take my side. This should keep the Author of my story in check.
2296. If I am forced by the Hero or Rebellion to decimate the once serene Sacred Ground to gain back my adopted average five-year-old advisor, I will make whatever necessary amends to relevant stake holders to restore that area to its once former glory, including any Nature Spirits, Old Gods, and other underground criminal elements there may be. If I have enough unholy might to otherwise level such an area, I have enough power to begin restoration operations. Stake holders in such things will be advised to expect such things and I will consider myself similarly informed.
2297. If that Sacred Ground is an old forest, my Information Services will take an obtuse amount of footage of my Legions planting new trees to help restore its former glory. There is no reason why I cannot have some PR at the end of the day if I have to level an country to get my adopted average five-year-old advisor back, right?
2298. I will NOT summon any god that is known as The Destroyer of Worlds, The Doom of All, or anything of that sort to gain power. I would be included in the destroying too.
2299. I will never, ever keep my pris- er... 'detention center' right around my headquarters. That will just give a pissed-off prisoner enough opportunity to stab me in the back.
2300. If I am given administrative control of any world-changing software or technology, I will make it a point to be thoroughly and completely acquainted with the workings and the history behind it. You'd never know some passionate nerd might (sometimes literally) know it inside out and sabotage you because you couldn't bother to learn about the feature you deemed unimportant, but is actually very useful.