- Alone in the cottage way out in the countryside, they think that someone is trying to break in and kill them and resort to sleeping in the same bed. The suspense builds and builds... then at the hight of suspense, it is revealed to be porcine Uncle Monty dropping in unannounced. The pair are in the same bed, half-clothed, and clinging together in terror. There is a long, long, pause before Withnail exclaims, "MONTY YOU TERRIBLE CUNT!".
- Withnail is a gold mine of comedy:
- The "washing up" conversation.
Withnail: (noticing Marwood drinking coffee with a bowl and spoon) Have you got soup? Why didn't I get any soup!?
Withnail: Why don't you use a cup like any other human being?
Marwood: Why don't you wash up occasionally like any other human being?
Withnail: (enraged) How dare you. How dare you! How dare you call me inhumane!
Marwood: I didn't call you inhumane, you merely imagined it. Calm down.
Withnail: Right, you fucker! I'm going to do the washing-up!
Marwood: No! You can't! It's impossible, I swear! I've looked into it! Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there, there's a tea bag growing! You haven't slept in sixty hours, you're in no state to tackle it! Wait 'til the morning, we'll go in together!
Withnail: This is the morning. Stand aside!
Marwood: You don't understand, I think there may be something living in there! I think there may be something alive!
Withnail: What do you mean? A rat?
Marwood: It's possible, it's possible...
Withnail: (brandishing a comb) Then the fucker will rue the day!
- Just the sight of Withnail ranting away while dressed in nothing but underpants and a blue rubber glove, covered in Deep Heat.
I'M A TRAINED ACTOR, REDUCED TO THE STATUS OF A BUM!
- The plan of smearing himself with Deep Heat and pressing himself against the radiator to keep warm goes awry:
Withnail: (to Marwood, accusingly) Have you been at the controls!?
Marwood: What are you talking about?
Withnail: The thermostats, what have you done to them?
Marwood: I haven't touched them!
Withnail: Then why has my head gone numb? Where's the booze? I DEMAND TO HAVE SOME BOOZE!
- Then Withnail spots the lighter fluid and decides to have a drink over Marwood's strong objections:
Marwood: Even the wankers on the site wouldn't drink that, that's worse than meths!
Withnail: Nonsense. This is a far superior drink to meths. The wankers don't drink it because they can't afford it.
- Marwood knows Withnail has a relative with a house in the country but blanks on his name. Which, unfortunately, doesn't give Withnail much to go on when he initially suggests contacting him:
Marwood: What about What's-his-name?
Withnail: What about him?
Marwood: Why don't you give him a call?
Withnail: What for?
Marwood: Ask him about his house.
Withnail: You want me to call What's-his-name and ask him about his house?
Marwood: Why not?
Withnail: All right, what's his number?
Marwood: I've no idea, I've never met him.
Withnail: Well neither have I. What the fuck are you talking about!?
- The immortal attempt to get out of being beaten bloody by the drunken, belligerent Irishman who took exception to the perfume on Marwood's boots: "I have a heart condition. If you hit me, it's murder."
- The whole car journey up to Penrith is this, with Withnail drunk off his face and a very beleaguered Marwood. Events include Withnail screaming "SCRUBBERS!" at some passing schoolgirls (who respond, "Up yours, Grandad!"), then claiming they "love it", Withnail expounding on how he wishes he had a child in order to "tutor in the ways of righteousness" (and also get some unadulterated urine) and Withnail explaining how the drunken driver device works.
Withnail: Accident blackspot? These aren't accidents, they're throwing themselves into the road gladly! Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness! (to a random, bemused-looking man standing at the side of the road) Throw yourself into the road darling, you haven't got a CHANCE!
- When Marwood wakes him up to help with the navigation as they get close to Monty's cottage, Withnail is more badly hung over than usual, and groans, "I feel like a pig shat in my head."
- Still hung over when they arrive at Crow Crag, as they stumble out of the car, Withnail proclaims, "There must and shall be aspirin!"
- His chosen way of introducing himself and Marwood to the man on a tractor with a load of firewood on the back - which still isn't enough for Withnail to assume he's "the farmer" - is to declare, "We've gone on holiday by mistake!"
- The entire scene with the chicken.
Withnail: What are we supposed to do with that?
Marwood: Eat it.
Withnail: Eat it? Fucker's alive!
Marwood: Yeah, you've got to kill it.
Withnail: Me!? I'm the firelighter and fuel collector.
Marwood: Yeah, I know, but I got the logs in. It takes away your appetite just looking at it.
Withnail: No it doesn't, I'm starving. How do we make it die?
- Returning to the cottage from the pub, Withnail engages in a bit of raging against the heavens, ending with the declaration "I'm going to be a STARRRRRR!!" (delivered so hammily that it rather indicates part of the reason why he'll never be a star).
- "I want something's flesh!!" Followed by a hysterical scene of Withnail splashing about in a stream, blasting fish with a shotgun.
- The scene where Marwood and Withnail, totally wasted, pretend they're millionaires in a cafe full of posh people. Richard E. Grant breaking character and not being able to stop giggling makes it all the more amusing.
Withnail: We want the finest wines available to humanity and we want them here and we want them now!
- The "washing up" conversation.
- Marwood AKA "I" has a few gems as well:
- Few people can convey the terror of an anxiety attack quite like Marwood can: "My thumbs have gone weird! I'm in the middle of a fucking overdose! My heart's beating like a fucked clock!"
- When Withnail keeps insistently demanding to know whether the farmer — who is dressed like a farmer, driving a tractor, and overall looking exactly like a farmer — is in fact the farmer:
Marwood: STOP SAYING THAT, WITHNAIL! OF COURSE HE'S THE FUCKING FARMER!
- To Withnail's insistence that if he runs at the randy bull while shouting, it won't gore him: "A coward you are, Withnail. An expert on bulls you are not!"
- While in the tea room, as Withnail is raving, Marwood is just happily eating and asking for cake. After Withnail's "finest wines available to humanity" line, Marwood just nods in agreement, a big smile on his face. They hadn't been given anything so Marwood is spreading jam and stuffing his face with whatever was left on the table from the previous customer!
- And Uncle Monty is a treasure trove of quotes:
- Explaining his reasoning for preferring to grow vegetables rather than flowers: "I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating than the geranium. The carrot has mystery. Flowers are essentially tarts. Prostitutes for the bees. There is, you'll agree, a certain 'je ne sais quoi' oh, so very special about a firm, young carrot." Monty then leaves the room for a little while, with his basket of "firm, young carrots." Make of that what you will.
- Monty's weird relationship with his cat, towards which he behaves like he's a wronged wife and the cat is his loathed husband:
- "It's trying to get itself in with you. Trying for even more advantage. It's obsessed with its gut. It's like a bloody rugby ball now. It will die, it will die!"
- "Yet again that oaf has destroyed my day!"
- Monty says he can only touch meat once it's been cooked, and adds, "As a youth I used to weep in butcher's shops."
- In the Black Comedy Rape scene in which he tries to force himself on Marwood, Monty growls, "I mean to have you, even if it must be burglary!"
- Danny the drug-dealer:
- His whole getup is laugh-out-loud hilarious.
- Every time he tells Withnail not to get "uptight."
- His plan about starting a business with dolls that would shit themselves, based on already existing dolls that piss themselves. It's disgusting, to be sure, but little girls seem to like it.
- His story about his associate the Coalman and his court appearance, when the judge reprimanded him for not being properly dressed and that court is not a fancy dress party. Funny when one considers the huge white wigs that judges wear in Britain. Danny quotes the retort which apparently got the Coalman sentenced to two years:
Danny: (as the Coalman) And you think you look normal, your honour?
- Withnail says he was turned down for a cigarette commercial because "a gang of cheroot vendors considered a haircut beyond the limit of my ability."
Danny: I don't advise getting a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hair are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
Withnail: What absolute twaddle.
- "If I medicined you, you'd think a brain tumor was a birthday present!"
- The second policeman who pulls Withnail over for drunk driving only gets one line, but what a line it is: "GETINTHEBACKOFTHEVAN!!"
Funny / Withnail & I
It's only a minor exaggeration to say that the whole script could be put here, directions included. Still, exercising restraint, here's a few of the highlights: