Funny / Withnail and I

It's only a minor exaggeration to say that the whole script could be put here, directions included. Exercising restraint, here's a few of the highlights:

• Withnail is a goldmine of comedy:
  • The "washing up" conversation.
    Withnail (noticing Marwood drinking coffee with a bowl and spoon): You've got soup. Why didn't I get any soup!?
    Marwood: Coffee.
    Withnail: Why don't you use a cup like any other human being?
    Marwood: Why don't you wash up occasionally like any other human being?
    Withnail (enraged): How dare you. How dare you! How dare you call me inhumane!
    Marwood: I didn't call you inhumane, you merely imagined it. Calm down.
    Withnail: Right, you fucker! I'm going to do the washing-up!
    Marwood: No! You can't! It's impossible, I swear! I've looked into it! Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there, there's a tea bag growing! You haven't slept in sixty hours, you're in no state to tackle it! Wait 'til the morning, we'll go in together!
    Withnail: This is the morning. Stand aside!
    Marwood: You don't understand, I think there may be something living in there! I think there may be something alive!
    Withnail: What do you mean? A rat?
    Marwood: It's possible, it's possible...
    Withnail (brandishing a comb): Then the fucker will rue the day!
  • Just the sight of Withnail ranting away while dressed in nothing but underpants, a robe, and a pink rubber glove, covered in Deep Heat.
    • He says there's no Deep Heat left for Marwood who, unlike Withnail, is warmly dressed in the first place.
    Withnail: I'M A TRAINED ACTOR, REDUCED TO THE STATUS OF A BUM!
  • The plan of smearing himself with Deep Heat and pressing himself against the radiator to keep warm goes awry:
    Withnail (to Marwood, accusingly): Have you been at the controls!?
    Marwood: What are you talking about?
    Withnail: The thermostats, what have you done to them?
    Marwood: I haven't touched them!
    Withnail: Then why has my head gone numb? I must have some booze. I DEMAND TO HAVE SOME BOOZE!
  • Then Withnail spots the lighter fluid and decides to have a drink over Marwood's strong objections:
    Marwood: Even the wankers on the site wouldn't drink that, that's worse than meths!
    Withnail: Nonsense. This is a far superior drink to meths. The wankers don't drink it because they can't afford it. (He takes a slug and gasps.) Got any more? (Marwood, horrified, shakes his head.) Liar. What's in your toolbox?
    Marwood: We have nothing. Sit down.
    Withnail: Liar. You've got antifreeze!
    Marwood: Bloody fool, you should never mix your drinks!
    (Withnail begins to laugh hysterically, falls down, and vomits all over Marwood's boots.)
  • Before this, Withnail is raging about a story in the newspaper.
    Withnail: Look at this little bastard. 'Boy Lands Plum Role With Top Italian Director'. Of course he does! Probably on a tenner a day and I know what for: two pound ten a tit and a fiver for his arse.^note  One of several references in the film inspired by Bruce Robinson's allegations of unwelcome attention from Franco Zeffirelli when he played Benvolio in Romeo and Juliet (1968).
  • Marwood knows Withnail has a relative with a house in the country but blanks on his name. Which, unfortunately, doesn't give Withnail much to go on when he initially suggests contacting him:
    Marwood: What about What's-his-name?
    Withnail: What about him?
    Marwood: Why don't you give him a call?
    Withnail: What for?
    Marwood: Ask him about his house.
    Withnail: You want me to call What's-his-name and ask him about his house?
    Marwood: Why not?
    Withnail: All right, what's his number?
    Marwood: I've no idea, I've never met him.
    Withnail: Well neither have I. What the fuck are you talking about!?
  • The immortal attempt to get out of being beaten bloody by the drunken, belligerent Irishman who took exception to the perfume on Marwood's boots: "I have a heart condition. If you hit me, it's murder."
  • Sipping sherry in his combed hair and best suit with Uncle Monty. As soon as Monty leaves the room he grabs the sherry bottle and takes several huge chugs before Monty comes back in like an alcoholic teenager when their parents leave the room.
  • The whole car journey up to Penrith, with Withnail drunk off his face and a very beleaguered Marwood. Events include Withnail screaming "SCRUBBERS!" at some passing schoolgirls (who respond, "Up yours, Grandad!"), then claiming they "love it", Withnail expounding on how he wishes he had a child in order to "tutor in the ways of righteousness" (and also get some unadulterated urine) and Withnail explaining how the drunken driver device works.
    Withnail: Accident blackspot? These aren't accidents! They're throwing themselves into the road gladly! Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness! (To a random, bemused-looking man standing at the side of the road.) Throw yourself into the road darling, you haven't got a CHANCE!
  • When Marwood wakes him up to help with the navigation as they get close to Monty's cottage, Withnail is more badly hung over than usual and groans "I feel like a pig shat in my head."
    Withnail: Are we there?
    Marwood: No, we're not - we're here.
  • Still hungover when they arrive at Crow Crag, as they stumble out of the car Withnail proclaims, "There must and shall be aspirin! If I don't get aspirin I shall die. Here on this fucking mountainside!"
  • Marwood gives each of them tasks upon arrival to the cottage. Marwood is to "check water and other plumbings" and Withnail is to "check the fuel and wood situation".
    (Withnail comes in soaked from the rain and carrying a single damp stick.)
    Marwood: What's that?
    Withnail (lifting his stick): Fuel and wood situation. There's nothing else out there except a hurricane. (They sit.) This place is uninhabitable.
    Marwood: Give it a chance, it's gotta warm up.
    Withnail: Warm up? We might as well sit round a cigarette. We'll be found dead in here next spring.
  • His chosen way of introducing himself and Marwood to the man on a tractor with a load of firewood on the back - which still isn't enough for Withnail to assume he's "the farmer" - is to declare, "We've gone on holiday by mistake!"
  • Withnail is pacing the cottage holding a fencing sword, declaiming to Marwood in dramatic tones that his family won't know what hit them when he becomes a star as he brandishes the weapon in Marwood's amused face. As soon he hears the tractor he turns to the window, smacking his head on the lamp hanging from the ceiling.
  • The entire scene with the chicken.
    Withnail: What are we supposed to do with that?
    Marwood: Eat it.
    Withnail: Eat it? Fucker's alive!
    Marwood: Yeah, you've got to kill it.
    Withnail: Me? I'm the firelighter and fuel collector.
    Marwood: Yeah, I know, but I got the logs in. It takes away your appetite just looking at it.
    Withnail: No it doesn't, I'm starving. How do we make it die?
    Marwood: You've gotta strangle it. Listen. I think we should throttle it now before it starts trying to make friends with us.
    Withnail: Alright, here's the plan. You hold it down, I'll strangle it.
    Marwood: I can't. It's got big, beady eyes. They stare you out.
    Withnail: It's a bloody chicken! Just imagine it with bacon across its back! Alright. (grabs chicken) I'll deal with it. You'll have to get its guts out.
  • Returning to the cottage from the pub, Withnail engages in a bit of raging against the heavens, ending with the declaration "I'm going to be a STARRRRRR!!" (delivered so hammily that it rather indicates part of the reason why he'll never be a star).
  • "I want something's flesh!!" Followed by a hysterical scene of Withnail splashing about in a stream, blasting fish with a shotgun.
  • The scene where Marwood and Withnail, totally wasted, pretend they're millionaires in a cafe full of posh people. Richard E. Grant breaking character and not being able to stop giggling makes it all the more amusing.
    Withnail: We want the finest wines available to humanity and we want them here and we want them now!
• Marwood AKA "I" has a few gems as well:
  • Few people can convey the terror of an anxiety attack quite like Marwood can: "My thumbs have gone weird! I'm in the middle of a fucking overdose! My heart's beating like a fucked clock!"
  • As Uncle Monty descends into a Hamlet monologue, Marwood tiptoes over to Withnail.
    Marwood: Let's go. He's a madman. Any minute he's going to rush up and get into his tights.
  • When Withnail keeps insistently demanding to know whether the farmer - who is dressed like a farmer, driving a tractor, riding around a large farm and overall looking exactly like a farmer - is in fact the farmer:
    Marwood: STOP SAYING THAT, WITHNAIL! OF COURSE HE'S THE FUCKING FARMER!
  • When the farmer remembers Monty the cottage owner:
    Farmer: Not seen him for a couple of years. Last time he were up here, he were with his son.
    Marwood (drily): Yeah, that's him.
  • To Withnail's insistence that if he runs at the randy bull while shouting, it won't gore him: "A coward you are, Withnail. An expert on bulls you are not!" And the fact that the farmer and Withnail were right. When Marwood finally takes his advice for lack of any other option, the bull turns tail and runs back into its field.
  • While in the tea room, as Withnail is raving, Marwood is just happily eating and asking for cake. After Withnail's "finest wines available to humanity" line, Marwood just nods in agreement. They hadn't been given anything to eat so Marwood is stuffing his face with whatever was left on the table from the previous customer.
  • Marwood has prepared the farmer's chicken and tries to bash into the kettle so they can cook it. When this fails, he takes Withnail's boots out of the oven and sits the chicken on a brick, closing the door on the surreal sight of a bald headless chicken sitting up.
  • The famous bed-sharing scene:
    • A terrified Withnail gets into Marwood's bed while holding a shotgun. Marwood insists that Withnail can stay but the gun can't. Withnail refuses. Marwood gets out of the bed, then Withnail gets out. They stare across the empty bed for a moment before they both hurriedly climb back in.
    • They wrestle with the gun which, of course, goes off into the ceiling. An enraged Marwood throws the gun out the window before storming off to Withnail's room, leaving Withnail looking rather sheepish in the dark as he paws his bedsheets in fear.
    • Upon hearing a break-in downstairs, Withnail and Marwood make hurried plans to deal with the intruder. Footsteps echo on the landing.
      Withnail: He's going into your bedroom. It's you he wants. Offer him yourself! (The door creaks open. Withnail dissolves into terrified muffling.) We mean no harm!
      Monty: Oh my boys, my boys. Forgive me!
      Marwood (giddy with relief): Monty. Monty, Monty!
      Withnail (livid): MONTY YOU TERRIBLE CUNT!...WHAT ARE YOU DOING PROWLING AROUND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT?!
  • After barely keeping Monty from raping him, he stalks into Withnail's bedroom with a lamp and a growl.
    Marwood: You bastard, wake up. (Into Withnail's ear.) Wake up, you bastard, or I'll burn this bastard bed down!
• Uncle Monty is a treasure trove of quotes:
  • The opening dialogue in Monty's flat is raised a notch by Monty and Withnail's plummy pronunciation:
    Monty: Sherry?
    Withnail: Sherry.
    Monty (to Marwood): Sherry?
    Marwood: (Beat.) Sherry.
    Monty: Sherry.
  • Explaining his reasoning for preferring to grow vegetables rather than flowers: "I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating than the geranium. The carrot has mystery. Flowers are essentially tarts. Prostitutes for the bees. There is, you'll agree, a certain 'je ne sais quoi' oh, so very special about a firm, young carrot." Monty then leaves the room for a little while, with his basket of "firm, young carrots." Make of that what you will.
  • Monty's weird relationship with his cat, towards which he behaves like he's a wronged wife and the cat is his loathed husband:
    • "It's trying to get itself in with you. Trying for even more advantage. It's obsessed with its gut. It's like a bloody rugby ball now. It will die, it will die!"
    • "Yet again that oaf has destroyed my day!"
  • Monty says he can only touch meat once it's been cooked and adds, "As a youth I used to weep in butcher's shops."
  • In the Black Comedy Rape scene in which he tries to force himself on Marwood, Monty growls, "I mean to have you, even if it must be burglary!"
  • As Monty starts to repeat the litany of lies Withnail told him about Marwood, the poor man's panic quickly rises to the surface, ending with a strained "He told you that?!"
  • When Marwood spells it out Monty just denies it:
    Marwood: I'm not homosexual, Monty!
    Monty: Yes, you are. Of course you are!
• Danny the drug-dealer:
  • His whole getup is hilarious.
  • Every time he tells Withnail not to get "uptight."
  • His plan about starting a business with dolls that would shit themselves, based on already existing dolls that piss themselves. It's disgusting, to be sure, but little girls seem to like it.
  • His story about his associate the Coalman and his court appearance, when the judge reprimanded him for not being properly dressed and that court is not a fancy dress party. Funny when one considers the huge white wigs that judges wear in Britain. Danny quotes the retort which apparently got the Coalman sentenced:
    Danny (as the Coalman): And you think you look normal, your honour? Cunt gave him two years.
  • Withnail says he was turned down for a cigarette commercial because "a gang of cheroot vendors considered a haircut beyond the limit of my ability."
    Danny: I don't advise getting a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hair are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
    Withnail: What absolute twaddle.
  • "If I medicined you, you'd think a brain tumor was a birthday present!"
• The second policeman who pulls Withnail over for drunk driving only gets one line, but what a line it is: "GETINTHEBACKOFTHEVAN!!"
  • Withnail failing to bluff his way out. He then nearly falls out of the car when the officer opens his door.
    Withnail (slurred): I've only had a few ales.

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