Funny / Vampire: The Masquerade — Night Road

True to the spirit of Vampire: The Masquerade, much of the humour in Night Road is subtle, but devastatingly funny. (Unmarked spoilers below.)

• The entire chapter where you, Prince Lettow, and Julian team up in an Enemy Mine to deal with the threat of Reremouse is ripe with these (at least until it becomes Serious Business). It comes off as the player character trying to focus on the threat/on staying alive while these two snipe at each other in the background.
  Julian: You need to stop saying 'destroy,' man, it lets everyone know you're a vampire. That goes double for you, Lettow, since you have a Dracula accent.
  Lettow: I do not have a Dracula accent.
  • Also this exchange, where Lettow starts losing his temper:
    Julian: Why are you worried [about the sun]? You can just sink into the dirt!
    Lettow: I will sink you into the dirt if you do not stop —
  • Lettow suggests staking Reremouse.
    Julian: That easy?
    Lettow: Yes.
    Julian: Your plan is ridiculous and convoluted.
    • Julian then suggests the even more convoluted plan of teleporting Reremouse to the Middle East.
    • The Courier can side with him because "it will absolutely confuse the Second Inquisition, and that's hilarious."
  • If you side with Julian's method of disposing of Reremouse, Lettow accuses him of conducting an experiment he doesn't actually believe will work.
    Julian, before the plan is put into action: My plan is the only way this will work.
    Julian, after his plan succeeds: I can't believe that worked!
  • No matter what plan the group decides to go with, the Courier is the one who casts the deciding vote. Lettow and Julian then proceed to spend the next several minutes arguing before finally agreeing to go through with whatever plan was chosen, just to make it seem that they didn't leave all the major decision making to the most junior member of the team.
  • The subtle-but-present Homoerotic Subtext is presented very humorously:
    • Lettow tries to get the drop on you by asking you about Aila as soon as you wake up, only to be cut off by Julian and then "distracted" by his banging around. Which is fine, except Julian just came out of the shower.
    • It's even more Ho Yay in a playthrough where you romance Julian, because the line about Lettow being "distracted" comes straight after Julian is explicitly written to show off his muscles.
    • Julian has his own car in the motel's parking lot, but for some reason he spends the chapter travelling with Lettow in his Rolls-Royce just so they can keep arguing. Not you, his maybe-ally. Lettow.

• The 'Mel at Midnight' radio chatter is a loving tribute to the Deb of Night from Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines. Mel is a news anchor, but not always enthusiastic about what she has to report and how she has to say it.
  • If the player character liberated the prisoners from the migrant camp, you'll hear this on the radio the next night:
    Mel at Midnight: According to Elin Olivecrona of Immigrations and Custom Enforcement, detainees have armed themselves and have escaped across Texas to… I don't know, threaten the virtue of white women?

• The Courier can put the moves on a tech startup CEO, who swiftly invites them up to his room. While going there the Courier muses that they're not sure if guy meant to sleep with them or recruit them...and is promptly horrified at the notion that they give off a tech-startup-second-in-command aura. This becomes even funnier if the Courier was Julian's Childe.

• One of the denizens of St Basil's is a Thinblood Malkavian who insists on being called Jesus Christ. If Raul is your ghoul and a fight breaks out, he runs off to deal with something with a cry of 'Christ!' The Courier isn't sure if he meant that as an expletive, or if the resident son of God is causing trouble.

• Julian has a lot of these.
  • When he raises his voice when he says "we can't let anyone know we're vampires!"
  • Also, "I may have turned invisible and stabbed a guy."
  • If you choose not to have a romantic past with Julian, it turns out he wrote fanfic of you two and tried to publish it until the Prince of Tucscon threatened to have him executed.
    • Even if you do have a romantic history, later on the PC says he wrote them anyway. And seems mildly offended that they didn't wind up selling.
  • Steal the antique microscope from the auction house as a present for him, and he'll send you a picture of it with a cat ears filter. Apparently this means he likes it.

• Elena has a few, too.
  • Her complaining that Lettow's club only plays "old people music."
  • At one point she spots Riga watching her and says, "Stop looking at me, asshole."
  • One of the options to deal with someone flooding her with hot goods she can't unload is to harass the living shit out of him. The scene ends with the Courier standing in his bathroom as he has a shower, continuing to pester Viktor until he's finally annoyed into submission, at which point the Courier politely hands him a towel.
    Viktor: You know you're not supposed to be in here, right?!
  • After the final battle, she decides she's getting takeout and momentarily forgets what kind of people she's talking to.
    Elena: I'm going to order some Thai food. Anyone want anything? No? Everyone here but me is dead? Okay.

• The line, "That's ridiculous. There's no such thing as Russians!" is a very popular out-of-context screenshot.

• A Malkavian at Camp Scheffler can direct you to a contact named Gibberish Mike. Thankfully, Gibberish Mike is just Australian.

• The Courier has some concerns about living amongst humans in a bungalow.
  After a day of fitful dreams, you throw on your leather jacket and engineer boots and get ready for another night. You step outside to check your Integra. A neighbor parks next door in her Ford Super Duty and gives you a friendly little wave. You've been practicing this. You're ready.
  "Howdy, neighbor."
  "Howdy!" she responds before heading inside.
  Fucking nailed it. You're one of them.

• Jesus Christ has apparently risen in Phoenix (and has stolen a car).

• Your car can break down in the Reremouse chapter, leading to both Julian and Lettow despairing at the state of it. Julian decides it looks like you fed a bunch of sardine cans into a paper shredder; Lettow compares it to a plane he once flew.
  Lettow: I remember crawling out of a Nieuport 20 outside Gibraltar. The engine looked like that. Of course, ours had been on fire.

• Dove's entire story about why she's not allowed to drive any more. It involves being chained to a fake werewolf in a car. That's on fire.
  Dove: I was in the wrong Cadillac the whole time!

• The Courier has a range of reasons they may have been Embraced; their intelligence, their combat abilities, their skill with people...
  Not every member of Clan Toreador joins their august ranks because of their great beauty or artistic genius. Some people end up vampires because of their extensive knowledge of Adobe After Effects.

• The Courier has an amusing double take moment when fighting off a bunch of SI using a blade. They gear up to describe one goon entering a flawless attack pattern, and then the Courier cuts the goon's head off.
  That went well! Sometimes it goes well!

• Protest about giving up your phone while the Viper is being locked down, and Dove lays her hand on your shoulder, looks you in the eye, and makes you a grave and sincere promise.
  Dove: I promise you, I will never, ever care about your opinion.

• The new DLC has a flashback where a pit of wights call Dove a whore. Dove asks Jasper why.
  Jasper: I believe in the inherent unknowability of the soul.
  Dove: That means he doesn't know.
  • That quote by Jasper might sound mystical if he wasn't wearing an aloha shirt and reclining on a bright blue lawn chair as he delivers it.