- Comet's pranks and general shenanigans.
- Bernard, despite his grumpy exterior is a pretty funny guy/elf.
Bernard: (notices Neil's hideous sweater) Nice sweater! Hey, did we make this? (starts tugging on the back of the sweater, checking the tag, while Neil looks quite bewildered)
Bernard: Excuse me, are we on a coffee break?
Elf: We don't drink coffee.
Bernard: Then I guess the break is OVER! Back to work! Thanks!
Bernard: I'll ship the List to your house.
Scott: What list?
Bernard: (quietly) C'mon, you know, the List; he's making a list...
Charlie: (loudly chiming in) Checking it twice!
Every single elf in earshot: Gonna find out who's naughty or nice!
- "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night! When I wake-up, I'm getting a CAT scan!"
- The Rose Suchak Ladder company
- "Well isn't that a pretty picture: Santa rolling down the block in a Panzer! 'Well kids, I certainly hope you've been good this year, 'cause it looks like Santa just took out the Pearson home! INCOMING!!!"
- During the interrogation scene in the first movie.
Interrogator: I say "name" and you say "Scott Calvin." Name?
Scott: Kris Kringle!
Interrogator: (annoyed) Name?
Scott: Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Belsnickel. Topo Gigio!
- Scott being a total grouch to a little girl who wakes up as he leaves her presents — she asks the obvious questions and he delivers increasingly snarky responses.
Scott: Scott Calvin.
Girl: How come your clothes are so baggy?
Scott: Because Santa is watching his saturated fats.
Girl: How come you don't have a beard?
Scott: Because I shaved! Do you want this doll or not? Go back to sleep!
[Scott grabs a cookie from the plate left out]
Girl: You're supposed to drink the milk.
Scott: Look, I am lactose intolerant! And I'm just about this close to taking all those presents back up the chimney. [turns and mutters under his breath mockingly] Supposed to drink the milk!
- Later turns into a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming when the girl remembers to leave him soy milk the next year, and with Scott now accepting that he is Santa (now looking the part, too).
- Just all the trouble Scott goes through during his first time filling in for Santa but before officially becoming the new one, especially at one point when he gets attacked by a guard dog which in turn wakes up the house's occupants, who proceeds to go for their gun.
Charlie: What'd it feel like, Dad?
- Before that, Scott doesn't seem thrilled when Charlie tells him what to do:
Scott: Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house, IN MY UNDERWEAR!?
- Followed by this when the bag takes him towards the chimney.
Charlie: Whoa, Dad! You're flying!
- Scott getting in a zinger on Neil's awful-looking sweaters.
The only thing you need to worry about is where you're going to buy your sweaters after the CIRCUS pulls out of town!
- In the second movie, Curtis tells Lucy that he has pointy ears because he never ate his green vegetables.
Curtis: Do you eat your green vegetables?
Lucy: *Feeling her ears* Uncle Scoooott!
Cop: Not tonight, fatboy!
- Scott isn't the only divorced father who tried and failed to make Christmas dinner for himself and his son. They each have a bandaged burnt hand to prove it.
- Scott's various jabs at Neil.
Charlie: Neil doesn't believe in Santa.
Scott: Well, Neil's head comes to a point.
Laura: All Neil told him was that Santa was more of a feeling, more of a state of mind than an actual person.
Scott: Kind of like Neil.
Scott: Where is he?
Laura: Well, he could be listening to records jumping up and down on his bed wearing a red hat and galloshes.
Scott: I don't care what Neil's doing. Where's Charlie?
- Despite the Executive Meddling that caused it to be removed, this exchange between Scott and Laura...
Laura: Here's Neil's mom's number in case.
Scott: 1-800-SPANK-ME? I know that number!
- When Scott's doctor checks his heartbeat, the doctor hears Scott's heart beating to the tune of Jingle Bells.
- The entire scene in the conference room, where Scott's associates cannot take their eyes off of how pudgy he has become. Or by his voracious sweet tooth when they all order lunch, with him ordering a creme brulee, cheesecake, cookies, and ice cream with fudge as a side dish.
- Also, Scott scooping up every drop of fudge in his sundae glass to the tune of Jeopardy! in the background.
Mr. Whittle: [Scott scoops up all the fudge he can they all look on] Finished? [Last two beats as Scott takes his last scoop]
- After Scott puts Charlie to bed:
Charlie: Maybe you better leave some milk and cookies out, just in case. Okay?
Scott: Great. I'll just go pre-heat the oven.
Charlie: And don't forget the fire extinguisher!
- When he's being grilled over his and Charlie's Christmas Eve, Scott lays on the sarcasm as only Tim Allen can.
Neil: What exactly did you and Charlie do on Christmas Eve?
: Had a bowl of sugar... two shots of black liquor... played with my shotgun, field-dressed a cat
... looked for women...
Scott: (exasperated) I read him a book!
Neil: Which book?
- Scott wakes up one morning to find himself fat and bearded, despite his best attempts at Implausible Deniability:
- The whole business with Scott's monogrammed pyjamas, which he received from an elf named Judy and thus has no rational explanation for owning. His pointing out that Judy was also the name of a waitress he had met earlier just makes him look even crazier. As Laura drives off, he yells that it was all a dream, and that he doesn't even wear pyjamas: "I like to sleep naked! BUCK NAKED! HA!". He then realizes that he was yelling this in front of his neighbor and her young daughter, and sheepishly wishes them a Merry Christmas as they hurry off in disgust.