"Oh no... it wasn't
just a dream, it... it's true
... I won
. I somehow bloody won!
How did I do that!? What more could I have done to make it absolutely clear
to them that I have ticked off
being Prime Minister, I've got it on the CV, what I want now is a dignified defeat, a seat on two or three boards, a lucrative lecture tour, and a yacht! I told them I wouldn't stay another term! I refused to do debates! I even told them that the election was all about my
career! I basically pinned a sign on my own back saying 'Kick me (brackets, out of Downing Street, close brackets), comma, for pity's sake
'! Did they not get it!? Did they elect me out of spite?! Oh God, and I've just remembered, I won outright! No coalition partner to use as an excuse why I can't do the things the barking
right wing want me to do, and to legitimise the things I do
want to do, because, 'Hey, it's Danny Alexander announcing it, look at his lovely Liberal freckles.' And oh God
, I've just remembered the opposition, Labour will have a new leader, with luck and a following wind they might even manage not to pick someone the nation finds intrinsically hilarious!
Plus, fifty-odd furious hairy Scots
who all hate my guts, and for whom I represent the ideal pantomime villain English oppressor on whom for them to live out all their Braveheart
fantasies! Oh, God
, I've just remembered I've got a majority so tiny
that anything I want to pass, I'm gonna have to convince and cajole every single one of my awful
MPs to support me, even though a dozen
of them are stone cold nutters
, and one of them is BORIS BLOODY JOHNSON!!
God, I wish I was Nick Clegg