Funny / The Fast Show

  • The sketch with a band and Mr Wells, the head of a record company, listening to their track that turns out to an attack on Mr Wells. Some of the lyrics include:
    I donít want to be in your world
    I donít want to be a part of your world
    Mr Wells youíre a twat, youíre a fat old twa-a-at
  • The Offroaders go mountain climbing, and Lyndsay has a freak out, refusing to move (first saying he canít move because he has ĎRock Blindnessí, but eventually admitting that heís just scared) and screaming when Simon tries to move his hand. He pisses off Simon so much that Simon climbs down and storms off, revealing that they were both only a few feet off of the ground.
  • Carl Hooper meets Davy Monroe, who has an Ďeverlasting pení. Carl soon finds out that Davy has only had the pen for a month, and doesnít use it every day anyway. Davy annoys Carl so much that Carl ends up poking him in the eye with the pen (which has just ran out).
    • Carl meets Davy again after he realises his name and beard are both fake, thanks to his amazing object (a loaf of bread that never goes stale Ė that he bought a couple of days ago) being very similar to the magic pen he brought before.
    Carl: (ripping Davyís fake beard off) Hello, Davy.
    Davy: Hello, Carl.
    Carl: Why are you back on my show?
    Davy: I love you, Carl.
  • After arguing with him for the whole Christmas special, Ralph finally gets Ted to come out of the snow into the warmth of the manor house. Ralph starts rambling on about nothing, until we get to this bit:
    Ralph: Do you like Kipling, Ted?
    Ted: (smiling) I quite like the fruit slice, sir.
    • This leads the two of them to start impersonating Mr Kipling, and laughing hysterically.
  • Rowley Birkin gets the crap scared out of him by his servant as he is telling a scary story. The way he shrieks and jumps in his seat is hysterical.
  • Archie approaches a black man in the pub:
    Archie: You black, are you?
    The man looks at him like he is totally insane.
  • Carl Hooper gets yet another annoying guest. This one, a man named Shane, canít stop swearing. Carl tries to get Shane to talk about an earthquake, but they donít get very far.
    Carl: Tell the people what happened next.
    Shane: Well, shit, Carl, it was the weirdest thingó
    Carl: Whoa, mate. You Canít swear.
    Shane: Sorry, mate, I got a bit carried away.
    Carl: Donít worry. Just roar off. Away you go.
    Shane: Well, as I was saying, I was cleaning my pool, when ripples started appearing on the water. Next thing I knew was this rumbling sound. It sounded like a train. Then, fuck me, there was a fucking great roar! The fucking ground started shaking like a fucking roller coaster! The fucking wife shouted out the fucking window, ďWhat the fuckís going on?Ē
    Carl: Shane, Shane, what are you doing, mate? You canít swear. You keep swearing!
    Shane: Sorry, mate. Itís force of habit. It was a pretty frightening experience. I fucking shit meself.
  • For the first time, Bob Fleming manages to get through a speech without coughing. Unfortunately, this is only the rehearsal. The next time Bob tries to speak, he coughs so violently he canít speak, and Jed Thomas bursts in, kicking the door down, carrying a stuffed sheep and yelling "ARSE!". And then, once they have both calmed down, Bob turns to the producer.
    Bob: Was that alright, then, Nick?
  • Carl Hooper at the end of another disastrous sketch:
    Carl: Next week: Bats. Are they really blind, or just taking the piss out of me?
  • Two people are sat beside the swimming pool, and their discussion turns to the chemical some people put in swimming pools to turn urine purple. As they talk, a man swims up to the side of the pool and starts to talk to them. But, as he speaks, the water around him gradually turns purple. When he realises:
    Man: Iíll get me clothes.
  • Ken finds out something about the customer he is harassing:
    Ken: ... did she want it, sir?
    Customer: No, Iím gay.
    (Ken suddenly looks terrified.)
    Ken: Kenneth, help!
    Kenneth: (Off screen) Iím hiding. Iím hiding in a secret place and Iím not coming out!
    Ken: Iím not coming out either.
  • Although definitely a heartwarming moment, the scene where a very drunk Ralph sings Burning Love on the pub karaoke is also very, very funny. Special mentions go to the horrified face Ted pulls when he realises what Ralph is doing, and Tedís friends laughing when they do as well.
  • Professor Denzel Dexter: (Holding a skull.) We took this skull... from another laboratory. (Laughs) Didnít we, Dave?
  • Brilliant Kid: Arenít holes brilliantó (Falls down hole).
  • Dave Angel giving the audience a lesson on naturism whilst wearing only a thong.
  • Jesse: This season, Iíll be mostly wearing yogurt!
  • In one sketch, Ron Manager is absent from the commentary box. But, luckily, Tommy steps in and acts like Ron does (including talking crap, waxing lyrical and being generally annoying), much to the irritation of the presenter, who walks off.
  • At a dinner party, the women have left the room, and the three men start to argue about who is the most middle class. The second man gradually gets left out as the other two argue with each other, and, when he finally gets to speak, he says:
    Man 2: Yeah, well Iím secretly gay.
    (The other two look at him; he seems to realise what he has just said.)
    Man 2: Iíll get my coat.
  • Jesse: This week, I arenít been hungry!
  • The advert for the new CD,ĎBob Flemingís Country Favouritesí.
    Clive Tucker: Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage rosemary Ė A-choo! (Falls backwards into a pond).
    Murtagh Blethyn: Cooked him in a pie-oh, for eat him for his tea-oh. Hic! Tea-oh. Hic! Teah-oh. Hic!
    Bob Fleming: Froggy wnet a-courtiní and he did ride (Coughs violently; ends up coughing the tune).
    Jed Tucker: And all around my ARSE, I will wear the green willow. And all around my ARSE, for a tweleve month and a day...
    All: And itís no, nay, never Ė A-choo! Hic! ARSE! Ė No, nay, never, no more Ė A-choo! Hic! ARSE! Ė Will I play the wild rover Ė A-choo! Hic!' Arse! Ė No, never, no more...
  • Jesse: (Walks out of shed slowly, clearly in pain.) This week, Iíll be mostly having a coil fitted.
  • The trumpeter Jackson Jeffery Jackson appears on "Jazz Club":
    Louis Balfour: What are you gonna play for us today, Jackson?
    Jackson: Trumpet.
    Belfour: ..What tune.
    Jackson: "Tune"?! This is jazz!