Funny / survival is a talent

• Harry's first real encounter with Abigail, Draco's pet snake, results in a Wall of Text of demands as soon as she realizes he can understand her.
  Abigail: A Speaker! Excellent. Tell my human that the garden mice are too chewy, and I won’t eat them anymore. It’s either the juicy ones from the forest, or from that place he got my rock with the warming charm on it, those ones are delicious, even if they all taste the same. And that I don’t like his new sheets, I don’t care if they’re silk. The cotton blend was much nicer to curl up in. His mother keeps putting me back into my tank, and I don’t like it. They should just leave the lid off and I’ll come and go as I please. I only interrupted one dinner party after all, and I didn’t even bite anyone, so I don’t see what the fuss is about. I like the wool from my human’s old sweater that he put in my tank, does he have any more? If not, I want another sweater entirely. This one doesn’t smell like him anymore, so it’s just getting in my way.
• Draco trying to open the door to Dumbledore's office without knowing the password: "This is a bloody emergency. Our parents are up there and we have a cursed diary and I am positively covered in something unidentifiable and gross. Open up." The best part? It works.
• Hermione and Fleur's reactions to Rita Skeeter's article about Hermione allegedly flirting with all the male Triwizard Champions: Hermione completely ignores it while Fleur couldn't be more outraged that she was left out.
  Fleur: (in French) Why aren’t I included in this? Where’s the story of Hermione sneaking away to my carriage or deflowering me beneath the night of a full moon? Am I not pretty enough? Is that why?
  • And then they set out to remedy it by kissing in front of a reporter. In the middle of Hogsmeade.
  • The aftermath of said kiss is that Hermione receives threats and hate mail. Fred ends up wallpapering the Gryffindor common room with them and Ginny makes a decorative trim out of the envelopes.
  • It's mentioned she receives howlers as well and the great hall has taken to applauding after they've finished.
• How do the Triwizard Champions decide the winner of the tournament after the final round went off the rails? Rock-paper-scissors.
• The entire sequence of the reformed Malfoys trying to get along with Remus and Sirius is hilarious in how awkward it is (and how not so different they end up being).
  "Pity we can’t invite him to dine with us, seeing as he’ll take it as an assassination attempt."
• Harry's outraged reaction to being kissed by merpeople both times: "I have a boyfriend!"
• How does Harry convince the ghost of Tom Riddle Sr. to help him and the other Mothers?
  Harry: It'll piss off your son.
  Riddle Sr.: Fuck that kid.
• After the cave, once Harry is back, he finds out Draco has already left for his internship, so he ends up helping Narcissa with her gardening. When Draco mirror-calls Harry later, he thinks Harry and Narcissa are using gardening as an Unusual Euphemism for necromancy experiments.
  He hears familiar laughter, and Harry shifts the mirror from his offended face until his mother’s in view, hair pulled back and in her gardening clothes. Actual gardening, not dueling. “Hello darling,” she says, “Harry was helping me out with the begonias.”
  Is that code for some weird necromancer thing, or is he actually helping his mother put in new flowers? Draco decides he doesn’t want to know.