When interviewing Iqbal Khan, theatre director, Cunk observes that she couldn't have stood for the entire length of "a Shakespeare", the way the groundlings did in his day (and the way people do at the Globe today).
Cunk: I'd be livid if I didn't 'ave a chair. Iqbal Khan: I, I think audiences quite enjoy it. I mean, particularly now. Cunk: I don't think they do enjoy standing, do they? Iqbal Khan: They actually enjoy the experience of standing. Cunk:Who's told you that? Iqbal Khan: ... Um...
In the same interview, Cunk insists that 80% of the Globe audience wears glasses. When Khan politely disagrees, she responds "You sayin' I'm a liar?" She goes on to say that maybe it would be a good idea if an enormous lens were placed in front of the stage, so that those people could leave their glasses at home. Khan gently asks "What about those people who aren't short-sighted?" Cunk concedes that they'd need a different lens.
"Shakespeare's just as popular today as he's always been. There's even a Royal Shakespeare Company named after him, who insist on putting on his shows whether people want them or not. What is it about Shakespeare that makes them bother?"
Cunk goes to see a copy of the First Folio of Shakespeare and informs the camera (wrongly) that it's the only remaining copy of Shakespeare's plays, written by his own hand. note There are multiple copies of the First Folio and it's printed, not handwritten. She then pulls on a pair of white gloves, preparatory to touching it, only for the curator to tell her that they prefer people to not wear gloves, as it reduces the sensitivity of their fingers and makes them more likely to damage the book. Cunk attempts to brush this off, saying that she's put on the gloves on now so it's too late, but he actually insists that she take them off, which she (very grumpily) does.
Cunk gets a private performance of Shakespeare's most famous speech, from one of Britain's greatest actors:
Simon Russell Beale: [reading, with great seriousness and sincerity] To be, or not to be, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer Cunk: [attention starts to wander] Simon Russell Beale: The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles And by opposing end them. Cunk: [starts rummaging in her pockets] Simon Russell Beale: To die, to sleep, No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to... Cunk: [produces a banana and starts peeling it] Simon Russell Beale: 'Tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. Cunk: [starts eating the banana and checking her phone] Simon Russell Beale: To die, to sleep; To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub: For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause. Cunk: [after a moment, notices that he's finished, puts the phone away] [He gives her a friendly smile. Pause] Cunk: ... What was all that about, then?
Cunk sits down with actor and expert on Shakespeare's language Ben Crystal, and reads him a list of words, the idea being that he'll tell her if Shakespeare invented them. Among the words are "Ceefax", "bambaclaat", "titwank" and "rufflecopter", and Crystal politely says "No" to all of them, except "hobnob", which it turns out Shakespeare did invent. Cunk muses that it makes sense that Shakespeare would have invented the word "hobnob" because Hobnobs are "sort of the most old-fashioned of biscuits."note Hobnobs are a kind of British biscuit made from rolled oats. Crystal seems quite amused with this notion.
Cunk: It's got like bits of hay and stuff. It's like eating a thatched roof.
Cunk's final verdict on Shakespeare is that, for all that he wrote so many great plays and invented a language, his greatest work, the one that combines all the genres into a single epic masterpiece, is of course Game of Thrones.
Cunk On Christmas:
"After the Victorian era, goodwill to all men caught on so much that it was almost twelve whole years before everyone on the planet decided to kill each other in the mud."
Cunk: But the most Christmassy film of all time is also the most exciting. Die Hard. [clip of John McClane jumping off the roof with the hose tied around his waist; Cunk narrates over the ensuing clips] Cunk: People think Die Hard is a gripping and exciting action movie just because, as you can see, it is. [McClane pauses mid-shooting to stare at a Santa figurine, and smiles] Cunk: But it's also a heartwarming Yuletide story, full of the magic of Christmas. It's got everything. Singing. [McClane yells as he shoots a bunch of mooks] Cunk: A man up a chimney. [McClane in the ventilation duct] Cunk: Warming yourself in front of a roaring fire. [The explosion of flames billows up the lift shaft with McClane at the top staring down in horror] McClane: Shit! [He dives away as the fire comes out of the lift shaft.] Cunk: While the snow flutters down outside. [Exterior shot of bits of paper falling from the sky in Nakatomi Plaza] Cunk: Brotherly love. Al: [on the radio, with McClane listening] Hey, look. I love ya. So do a lot of the other guys. Cunk: Cranberry sauce. [Shot of blood smeared on the floor as a corpse is dragged away] Cunk: Excessive sherry-drinking. [Karl smashes the liquor cabinet in a fury] One of Holly's co-workers: God, that man looks really pissed. Cunk: Season's greetings. McClane: Yippie-ky-ay, motherfucker. Cunk: Your dad, conked out in a chair with a Santa hat and his Christmas jumper. [The reveal shot of the dead gang member in the elevator wearing the sweatshirt with "NOW I HAVE A MACHINE GUN HO HO HO" scrawled on it] Cunk: Angels majestically soaring through the air. [Hans Gruber falling to his death in slow motion] Cunk: And of course—Jesus Christ Powell. Dwayne Robinson: Jesus Christ, Powell!
Cunk On Britain:
Cunk is standing in front of the penis of the Cerne Abbas giant, a 180ft hill figure.
Cunk: Before Snapchat, hills were the most efficient way to distribute dick pics to a wide audience.
Her encounter with the "Baywatch Tapestry"note The Bayeux Tapestry is comedy gold.
Cunk: [walking and talking next to the tapestry itself] It's just like being there, but in wool. Here's the Norman archers, steamin' in on their blue horses. Here's a sort of stick-fight bit... some chopped-up people down here... his head's off... [to camera] He'll be furious about that. [looks at the tapestry again] Some goose monsters in the sky, lookin' down... sort of lion thing, up here... eating its own tail... Is that its bum-hole? Think that's its bum-hole... [close-up of King Harold taking his fatal arrow in the eye] As you can see, Harold won, when he triumphantly caught an arrow in his eye. Sadly, it wasn't enough, and he died soon after. No-one knows why.
Cunk: King Arthur came a lot. Didn't he? Dr. Laura Ashe, Associate Professor of Medieval Literature, Oxford University: (visibly questioning every decision that led them here) I think you mean that he's associated with the court of Camelot. Cunk: No, it definitely says... (paper rustling) "King Arthur came a lot." Dr. Ashe: Camelot. It's his court. Where he held court. It's a place. Cunk: Oh, right. ...But do we know if he came a lot? Or, like, just the same as an average man? Like, about a tablespoon? Dr. Ashe: (after some wordless mouthing) The only evidence I have in that regard is that he is said to have had one child.
Weekly Wipe:
"Our planet is changing. And not in a good way, like into a butterfly, or a giant magic shoe."
"Just like other Greek inventions, like thick yoghurt, sodomy, and triangles, democracy has taken the world by storm."
Her interview with Prof Robert Hazell, professor of British politics and the Constitution, goes rather sideways when he becomes visibly impatient with what an idiot she is:
Cunk: What would happen if we voted to end democracy? Robert Hazell: ... How would we do that? Cunk: Take a vote. Robert Hazell: And what would the vote say? Cunk: "I vote to end democracy." Robert Hazell: And what would we put in its place? Cunk: ... Dunno. Robert Hazell: Well, it wouldn't be a very sensible thing to end one system of government without knowing what system of government you're going to replace it with. Cunk: [looks uncomfortable] Robert Hazell: It's like saying "Let's vote to leave our house" without knowing where we're going to live next. No-one's going to do that. Cunk: ... Bet you're terrible to go on holiday with.
Cunk on Earth
Every single segue to the 1989 techno anthem "Pump Up the Jam" and all related gags.
After a series of sensible-looking factoids, stating that "this song is the national anthem of Canada".
The claim that if you "isolate the drumbeats" and arrange them in a circle, it allows you to clip through solid objects at will due to a "cheat mode."
"The original 12-inch release of Pump Up The Jam came with a free horse".
Philomena's attempts to understand the concept of an orchestra descend into Innocent Innuendo.
Cunk: How do you play an orchestra? Do yo blow into it, or is it one of those ones where you run a stick on the strings. Dr. Shirley J. Thompson, OBE, compose, Professor of Music: The orchestra is not one particular instrument. Cunk: Yeah. Thompson: So, an orchestra is the coming together of lots of different types of instruments. Cunk: Right, more than one instrument. Thompson: More than one instrument. Cunk: So you need both hands and your mouth to play an orchestra. Thompson: (clearly choosing her words carefully) Well, the conductor would need all of those things, but the orchestra itself is an entity that made up of lost of different instruments.
, a 180ft hill figure.Cunk: Before Snapchat, hills were the most efficient way to distribute dick pics to a wide audience.