Funny / Jerry Seinfeld

• His bit about milk expiration dates. They brand it right on the carton!
  Jerry: (as the milker) "THAT'S your Goddamn day right there! Oh don't screw with us. We know what day is the FINAL day... and then it is so over."
• His bit about Chicken of the Sea Tuna:
  Jerry: What the hell is "Chicken of the Sea" Tuna? There's no chickens in the sea! What, are they afraid to tell us it's a fish? Think we won't understand? "Just put chicken on the can. They'll think it's chicken that lives in the sea." I don't want any chickens that live in the sea! Chickens on land, fish in the sea! Don't put chickens in the sea!
• His bit about riding a horse:
  Jerry: (as the horse) "Chill out, Hopalong, I know the trail. Yeah, I'm here every Goddamn day. Yeah, and I really appreciate you kickin' me while I'm taking a leak. Thanks a lot. That really improves the already wonderful life that I have: People either sittin' on me, or kickin' me while I'm peeing. I have a real sweet gig here at the ranch."
• He asks the women in the audience if they want to know what men are thinking. He spills the beans:
  Jerry: Nothing. We're not thinking anything. We're just walking around, looking around. This is the only natural inclination of men. To just kinda check stuff out. We work because they force us to, but other than that, this is really the only thing we wanna do. We like women, we want women. But that's pretty much as far as we've thought. That’s why we’re honking car horns, yelling from construction sites; these are the best ideas we've had so far.
• Discussing how Halloween trick-or-treating gets less exciting the older you get:
  Jerry: (as a person who answers the door) Who are YOU supposed to be? (as himself) I'm supposed to be DONE by now. You wanna move it along, the Three Musketeers? I got eighteen houses on this block, sweetheart.
  • Talking about how excited he was to get a Superman costume for Halloween, only for his mother to make him wear a winter jacket over it.
• Discussing helmets:
  Jerry: There are many things we can point to as proof that the human being is not smart. The helmet is my personal favorite. The fact that we had to invent the helmet... Why did we invent the helmet? Well, because we were participating in many activities that were cracking our heads. We looked at the situation, we chose not to avoid these activities, but to just make little plastic hats so that we can continue our head cracking lifestyles.
• #1 fear:
  Jerry: I saw a thing, actually a study that said: Speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. I found that amazing. Number two, was death. Death is number two. This means, to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.