Funny / Harry and Paul

Series 1

• Roman Abromovitch, the manager of Chelsea football club, proves frequently that he can, and will, buy anything. In one sketch, he decides to buy Liverpool Football Club's successful history, and not the club. When his bodyguard questions if he can do this, he starts jumping up and down yelling that he is a billionaire. He does buy their history, much to the disgust of a team of Scousers who are watching the match on the TV.
• The "Back Down" sketches, featuring a man who's Dad has messed his head up, leaving him unable to back down from any argument. He and his friend will always get into an argument about how to pronounce something (in one sketch, they are arguing about Rowan Atkinson's name; Back Down is convinced he is actually called Ronan), which ends in his friend giving up and letting him believe he is right. So, after this happens, he is careful to not argue with Back Down for the rest of the sketch, no matter how stupid his mistakes sound.
  Back Down: Cor, that chocolate munfin looks good.
  (The friend's son goes to correct him, but the friend stops him)
  Friend: Leave it.
• Jose Arrogantio, a football manager, has the problem that he can never accept that his favourite player is a nightmare on the pitch. Peskovich spends his time on the pitch deliberately hurting other players (in one sketch, he stabs one of them in the groin with a flag pole) and doing ridiculously fake, exaggerated dives. Arrogantio often ends up calling the referee a 'tit', and ends most of his interviews doing a pose at the camera.
  • In one sketch, Peskovich is walking along the pavement when he suddenly and clearly elbows an old lady in the face. Arrogantio insists that the old lady is doing a dive, and probably learnt how to do so at the Women's Institute.
• Pam and Ronald, the quirky American tourists, approach a man sat on a bench in the park, but ignore him completely and talk to his dog instead.
  Pam: Are you having a nice rest while your pet has his coffee?
• At eight in the morning, the Posh Scaffolders start their Morning Chorus. This is basically them yelling, swearing and jeering at the top of their voices. They even manage to set a car alarm off.
• The Barbican Man, a man who comes into a shop and asks for the Barbican version of various products in a strong Geordie accent. Barbican lager was a very unsuccessful alcohol-free lager that was around briefly in the 1970s, but you can't get it now - and you certainly can't get any of the other stuff he asks for.
  Barbican Man: Ho there, man! Have you got any Barbican Mars Bars? They're exactly like normal Mars Bars but with all the chocolate and nougat taken oot.
  Shopkeeper: No, sorry mate.
  (Later)
  Barbican Man: Ho there, man. Can I have twenty Barbican Benson and Hedges please? They're exactly like normal Benson and Hedges, but with all the Hedges taken oot.
  Shopkeeper: No, sorry mate.
  (Later)
  Barbican Man: Ho there, man! Can I have a copy of the Barbican Independent newspaper? It's exactly like the normal Independent newspaper, but with all the depressing shit on the front page about the world ending taken oot.
  Shopkeeper: No, sorry mate.
  (Later)
  Barbican Man: Ho there, man. Have you got any CDs by Barbican Bon Jovi? They're exactly like the normal Bon Jovi, but with all the Jovi taken oot.
  Shopkeeper: So it's just 'Bon', then?
  Barbican Man: Barbican Bon, aye.
  Shopkeeper: Get out of my shop, you numpty!
  (Later, after the end credits)
  Welcome to the Barbican Big Brother House. It's exactly like the normal Big Brother house, but with all the contestants taken oot.
• Bono and The Edge. These two talk in stereotypical Irish accents, and The Edge lives in what Bono calls a 'shitty little bedsit'. The Edge's doorbell plays 'Pride (In The Name Of Love)', and Bono enters every sketch in a cloud of smoke. All they eat is beans on toast, and Bono frequently comments on how 'humble' they are. At the end of every sketch, Bono will ask The Edge what he has under his hat today; when Bono takes it off, he sees a variety of weird things, including a chick, cress and some rare mushrooms.
  • These two frequently make fun of each other's names.
    Bono: Now then, The Edge, The Edge, The Edge, with your funny little surname, Edge, and your even more peculiar Christian name, The.
    The Edge: And what about you, Bono, Bono, with your funny little name that sounds like a dog biscuit.
  • In one sketch, Bono gets very angry with The Edge when he makes a serious mistake:
    The Edge: Nice to see you.
    Bono: Coldplay.
    The Edge: Are a great band.
    (They both realise what he has just said. The Edge looks terrified.)
    Bono: What the feck do you mean Coldplay's a great band?
• Ashley and his pregnant wife are discussing baby names:
  Ashley: What about Jack?
  Wife: Nah. Sounds too much like Jack shit.
  Ashley: What about Louis?
  Wife: Louis? Lou? Sounds like a toilet.
  Ashley: Don't shout me down, here, babe, but what about Ashley?
  Wife: Ashley? Like fag ash-ley. Do you want this baby to come out all yellow and flobby and smelling off nicorette How could you?
  Ashley: No, babe, I was just thinking 'cause it's my name-
  Wife: It's a disgusting name. Wash your hands. Anyway, it's definitely gonna be a girl.
  Ashley: All right, then. We'll have a lovely little girl, and we'll call her a princessy name, like... Camilla?
  Wife: Camilla? That is exactly the same as Chlamydia!
  Ashley: What about Paula?
  Wife: Paula? You want our daughter to grow up to be a lanky marathon runner doing a wee all down her leg into a gutter on national television?!

Series 2

• Dragons' Den. Just Dragon's Den. Everything about these sketches is just perfect. From the crappy entrepreneurs with their awful products, to the Dragons' appearance, to their stupid names (Duncan Guillotine, The Grumpy Woman, Theo Profiterole, and Peter Jones 'John Lewis'), to poor Evan and his sticking out ears, and certainly to the way Ken and Bryan end up drenched in sweat at the end of every sketch.
  • In episode 1, Ken and Bryan bring in their new month, Augcember, which they will find days to fill by 'pinching them from other months'.
  • In episode 3, they show off their 'Kitten Stomper', a device designed to stomp kittens to death. The flaw in their invention is that nobody wants to stomp on kittens, so who will they sell it to?
    Peter Jones: I don't like kittens, but I don't like you. And for that reason alone, I'm out.
  • In episode 6, they bring in their Crown, and get totally confused about costs and profits to the point that Bryan has a row with Duncan and Ken has a heart attack. Evan then comments that the Dragons haven't been impressed with any of the inventions that day, leading to a montage of more crappy pitches:
    Man: It's like Sellotape, yes, but without the sticky bit. (He lets go of the roll, and it drops straight to the ground)
    (Next Scene)
    Man 2: (Holding up a kettle with a swastika on it) It's the Nazi Kettle.
    (Next Scene)
    Old Woman: It's the Hip Hop Halphabet.
    (She presses a button on the stereo, which starts to blare hip hop music; the two old women dance to the music.)
    Stereo: # A Mother[BEEP]er, B Mother[BEEP]er, C Mother[BEEP]er, D Mother[BEEP]er, F Mother[BEEP]er — Oops! You left out E Mother[BEEP]er. #
  • In episode 5, the entrepreneur who comes to see the Dragons is none other than Alan Sugar. He annoys the Dragons, and they all end up having a childish name calling fight.
    Alan: (To Duncan) I don't like you. You're supercilious, you're Scottish, you're getting on my nerves, now. You're fired.
    Theo: You stink!
    Alan: You're a cry baby.
    Peter: You smell.
    Alan: Your mum smells.
    Grumpy Woman: You wet your pants.
    Alan: You do big jobs in your pants!
• A tennis umpire gets a Raging Stiffie whilst watching a match between two female players. Female tennis players do tend to grunt, but in this sketch they are moaning and sounding extremely sexual. The umpire spends the sketch trying to cover his groin, but he ends up looking more and more desperate, until he groans, obviously having a Jizzed in My Pants moment. Once the point has been won, he wipes his sweaty face and excuses himself.
• The Chocolatier tries to lure four women away from a cash machine so he can get money quickly, but the forth woman, in his words, 'seems immune to my chocolaty charms'. He tries a number of different 'lady lures', including diamonds, roses and a 'South American Cleaner'. Then the penny drops, and he realises that she is actually a transvestite. He doesn't look impressed, but decides to take the man out 'for a pie and a pint', while his theme song reminds everyone that 'there's a slight possibility he's a queer'.
• The Writer and The Landlady are discussing the Writer's books:
  Writer: Potatoes For Peter. More Potatoes For Peter. Peter Picks Potatoes. Peter Picks Potatoes Again.
  Landlady: We very much enjoyed Parsnips for Peter.
  Writer: I didn't write that!
  (Later, when discussing his books for girls)
  Writer: No Potatoes For Pat? More No Potatoes For Pat? No Pineapple For Pat? No Playtime For Pat. No Pets for Pat. No Pudding for Pat.
  Landlady: Don't you like little girls?
  '''I don't like Pat!
• Pik, the South African gym instructor, tries to chat up a woman he fancies. She is an author, and he has read her book to try and impress her, but his plan goes wrong:
  Pik: I read your book.
  Woman: Oh. And?
  Pik: And I like your tits. Shit! It happened again.
• The Posh Scaffolders finally learn that their behaviour is wrong:
  Kev: ...that girl's got huge tits.
  (They both stare at a woman walking down the road)
  Darren: Oi, love, you've got nice tits!
  Kev: They're like an arse, but their tits!
  Woman: Why don't you SHUT UP?
• Marcus from 'I Saw You Coming' opens a shop called 'Modern Wank' to encourage people to mix new toss with their old shit. Apparently, this is a very retro look.
• Danny the Cultured Fisherman tries to make conversation with Kenny:
  Danny: Hey, Kenny, is that John Stuart Mill's Rights of Man in your bag?
  Kenny: It's What Car?
• Kev, one of the Posh Scaffolders, is singing as he fixes some scaffolding:
  Kev: (Humming 'Umbrella' by Rhianna) # Oh how I love Nigella-ella-ella-ella. #
• The postman gets a surprise when he knocks on the Lovelocks' front door:
  Clive: What d'you want, ya soft southern bastard?!

Series 3

• The British Prime Minister gets harassed at the G20 Summit by the Italian Prime Minister, Gabbatore. He can't speak English, and is accompanied by a very sarcastic interpreter. The Italian tries get him some women to come up to his hotel room, and tells him that he expects nothing from this than the bond of international friend shop - and that he would also like him to buy an aircraft carrier. Finally, the Prime Minister gets sick of this.
  Prime Minister: No, Signor Gabatorre, no women, no aircraft carriers.
  (The Italian Prime Minister smiles a very knowing smile)
  Interpreter: Ah, I see. I'm sending up a couple of guys.
• The producer and presenter who go around making programmes for Radio 4 somehow manage to stop a bank robbery - at least until they finish recording, and everyone resumes what they were doing.
• The Radio 4 men are walking across a zebra crossing:
  Presenter: Goodness me, I feel like one of the Beatles.
  (The producer starts giggling like what he has said is hilarious)
• The Benefits family visit a posh car showroom, and, as usual, cause chaos. As Dean tries to buy a car on the 'disability scheme', Tyrone gets into one of the cars and starts messing around.
  Tyrone: What's this button do?
  (Tyrone mimes pressing a button and raises his middle finger as thought it were the window)
  Brian: You silly sod.
• 'The Van Drivers' Lament' is a song by a group of irritated van drivers who get stuck behind a broken-down car. It basically involves them swearing constantly and being sexist for the entire song, but is nevertheless very funny.
  This bird was driving the other day,
  (Right in the middle of the fucking road.)
  She stopped her car down a one way.
  (Right in the middle of the fucking road.)
  I honked my horn and yelled 'oi-ay',
  (Right in the middle of the fucking road.)
  'You stupid cow, get out the way!'
  She's right in the middle, right in the middle, right in the middle of the fucking road.
  She said, 'I can't, I've broken down'.
  (Right in the middle of the fucking road.)
  And she started to whinge and whine.
  (Right in the middle of the fucking road.)
  She wants a push up on the side,
  ( Right in the middle of the fucking road).
  "I can't, I've done me back," I lied!
  Right in the middle, right in the middle, right in the middle of the fucking road.
  She gets out, I don't know why,
  (Right in the middle of the fucking road.)
  She starts to weep, she starts to cry.
  (Right in the middle of the fucking road.)
  I scratched my head and thought 'Oh my'.
  (Right in the middle of the fucking road.)
  I wish she'd just fuck off and die!
  Right in the middle, right in the middle, right in the middle of the fucking road!
  The RAAC come at last,
  (Right in the middle of the fucking road.)
  They pushed her up onto the grass,
  (Right in the middle of the fucking road.)
  As I finally drove right past,
  (Right in the middle of the fucking road.)
  I yelled: 'Oi, love, nice tits, nice arse!'
  Right in the middle, right in the middle, right in the middle of the fuuuuuckiiiiiiing roooooooad!
  [The woman sticks her finger up at the lot of them.]
• Dragon's Den again. This time we are introduced to James Caan (named James Yes We Caan), who constantly strokes his beard and reminds everyone that he is the 'lovely one'. In this series, we see:
  • Ken and Bryan try to sell the Dragons their food product, 'I can't believe it's not custard'. The Dragon's are unimpressed... Until they come back at the end of the episode in blackface and parodying Levi Roots. Despite selling the exact same product, the Dragon's all fall in love with their product and act totally out of character. Except James, that is, because he has spotted the flaw in Ken and Bryan's plan.
    James: Are you really black?
    (Ken and Bryan sweat their face paint off)
  • Ken and Bryan's 'Armchair-to-Moped Workout Eco Perambulator', a crap device which is basically an armchair mounted on a tricycle. Unsurprisingly, the Dragons think it is crap, and so does Evan (who, in the voiceover, calls it a 'shit invention'). But James shows an interest in their 'crap product' on the condition that they say that they like James more than the other. This leads Ken and Bryan to manipulate the other Dragons by trying to get them all to 'out-nice' each other.
    Theo: I like you. Even though you two are dirt-box poor compared to me, I like you. How nicely does that make me, innit?
    Evan: Theo has confused popularity with boasting. Will Duncan fare any better in pretending to be nice.
    Duncan: Well, hi, guys, you're great. Would you like to come 'round mine for Burns' Night - Oh, Christ, I cannae do this. You're a couple of pricks. I'm out.
    Evan: What will Peter Jones do?
    Peter: Check out the grin. (He gives them a dazzling smile)
    (When it is her turn, the Grumpy Woman's face starts creaking as she tries to smile at Bryan and Ken. Everyone looks terrified, Evan sounds concerned, and James climbs up onto his chair.)
    (Downstairs with Evan, Bryan looks hotter than ever, and he is breathing heavily)
    Evan: So, guys, the Dragons didn't really go for your... What's it called? Bunch of wank? Has it been a good experience?
    (Bryan collapses)
  • In one sketch, we meet 'two city chaps', one of whom is called Tim Nice-but-Balding. He and his friend, Charlie Slick-but-Thick show the Dragons their 'piece of paper'. This basically involves the two of them phoning each other up and selling the paper for an increasingly high value. The Dragons are intrigued by this idea, no matter how wrong it is, because it will make a lot of money.
    Peter: Tim is obviously my brother.
    (Peter and Tim both laugh in the same witless way)
  • In the last sketch of series 3, Bryan and Ken walk into the room whilst Evan tells us about their invention: an automatic hair cutter. Ken is almost bald, and has cuts on his scalp.
    All five Dragons: I'm out!
• The Beatles are in their recording studio when John suggests a new song, and sings the following lyrics: "On Tuesday morning at half past two, I would like to make love to you." This horrifies their manager, who doesn't want them to be associated with smut. Paul steps in and suggests they change the lyrics to "I know that I will still love you". This pleases the manager, and causes John to call Paul a 'teacher's pet'.
• The Benefits family are causing chaos in a church. When a woman asks them to put their cigarettes out:
  Woman: There's no smoking in the house of God.
  Dean: But where's the no smoking sign?
  Woman: Well, there isn't one, but there's no smoking in the house of Jesus.
  Tyrone: Wait a minute! You just said it was the house of God!
  Dean: Jesus is God, you stupid little prick! Now put your fag out for Jesus, or Jesus'll come 'round here and smash your face in!

Series 4

• The parody of Question Time. All of the questions are ridiculous, and the presenter is wonderfully sarcastic. Ken and Bryan from Dragons Den are in the audience, and Ken can't ever seem to get his question out. One man starts talking before the microphone is on him. Here are some of the best quotes:
  Man: I think that Boris Johnson would make a better Boris Johnson than Boris Johnson.
  Presenter: Now, if you are on Twitter and tweet, you can Twitter and tweet us, and I for one will not read anything you write.
  Presenter: (To Ken) Yes, you, the sweaty man.
  Woman with big teeth: Maybe if the BBC spent more less money on quality programming, it wouldn't be such an insult to the licence fee payer.
  Man: The bankers the bonuses, the bankers the bonuses - it's disgusting.
• Roofer Ronnie, a man given a ticket by Parking Pataweyo, tells the traffic warden that he's going to appeal his ticket. Parking Pataweyo tells him that he is going to show him how the appeal process works. He tells Ronnie to take his hat off, and gets Ronnie to bang his head against a brick wall.
• Marcus realises that all of the thick women who buy shit from him never come in at the weekends because they are at various festivals - or, as he calls them 'rip offs in a field'. So he decides to come along to one of these festivals and try to sell his expensive shit there instead, calling his stall 'I Saw You Camping'. At one point, he gives a woman, called Nutella, a lesson on the difference between vintage and retro:
  Marcus: Vintage is old rubbish, retro is NEW rubbish made to look like old rubbish.
• Ken and Bryan, the two entrepreneurs from the Dragon's Den sketches, appear on Mastermind. Ken's specialist subject is 'The Works of J. K. Rowling', but he is unable to answer any of the questions at all. Bryan goes one step further - he is unable to remember what his specialist subject is.
  • When we cut back to them later, a ridiculously sweaty Ken has just scored zero points in his general knowledge round. As he gets out of the chair and goes back to his seat, we can hear his shoes squelching as he walks.
• Marcus is asked to explain the difference between a bakery and an artisan bakery:
  Marcus: Five pounds a loaf.
• Episode 3 has a running theme about doing things 'more like the Arabs'. This means that random sketches throughout the episode will involve the characters suddenly firing guns in the air whilst Arabic music plays in the background. It even happens in an 'I Saw You Coming' sketch.
• In one "I Saw You Coming" sketch, Marcus has to rush out of the shop when he sees his car being ticketed by Parking Pataweyo.
• ''Dragons' Den is back, and it is still just as hilarious. The new Dragon is called Hilary Mother-Trucker RIP, and is often referred to as 'the Dead Dragon'.
  • The first sketch of the series features Ken and Bryan walking into the room with nothing. They start to tell the Dragons about their invention, a 'solution to all the world's problems'. But...
    Ken: I've left it in the car.
    Evan: There's a problem. Ken has left the solution to all the world's problems in the car.
  • For once, Ken and Bryan present an invention that actually works. It is an app that predicts what you are going to say, and it actually works quite well. Unfortunately for them, it malfunctions and starts predicting what they will be saying in a half an hour.
    App: Let's get drunk and blow the rest of this cash down the bookies. That Scottish one gets on my tits. I can't wait to piss this all up the wall.
    (Later, when Bryan and Ken are downstairs with Evan:)
    App: I wonder if he has studs in his nipples.
    (Evan crosses his arms across his chest and looks uncomfortable)
  • In the last ever Dragons' Den sketch, Bryan and Ken actually create something useful - but they market it totally wrong. They create what they call the 'Bag Bag', a bag that stores supermarket plastic bags, and is also totally biodegradable. The Dragons are naturally excited about the money they could make for selling these bags, but Bryan is awkward with them, and won't stop talking about using the Bag Bag for the original purpose. Ken tries to reason with him, and Bryan gets angry and storms off.
    Evan: Bryan has flounced out, leaving Ken in sole ownership of the best idea anyone has ever had on Dragons' Den.
    (Downstairs with Evan, Ken tells Evan that he is going to celebrate by buying a new Vauxhall Zafira)
    Evan: (Flirtingly) Well, it you fancy taking me out in it one evening...?
    (Ken is suddenly drenched in sweat, and his breathing is shuddering)
    'Ken: All right.
• The 50s Typists are being naturally bitchy with each other:
  Woman 1: What're you giving up for Lent?
  Woman 2: I'm giving up Carnation Milk. What're you giving up? Sailors?
• The Old Tories get themselves into a bit of a Celebrity Paradox in the last sketch of the series when they are discussing Harry Enfield. The man played by Harry (Man 1) is adamant that he isn't a queer, even though 'he looks like a queer and sounds like a queer and is on television like a queer', much to the confusion of the man played by Paul (Man 2).
  Man 2: Have you heard of Paul Whitehouse?
  Man 1: No.
  Man 2: Is he a queer?
  Man 1: Yes.