[[quoteright:288:http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/VampiresKissCage_7005.jpg]]
[[caption-width-right:288:Starring Creator/NicolasCage [[{{Cloudcuckoolander}} as]] [[LargeHam himself.]]]]

->"'''''[[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lct6x-XqWrw I'M A VAMPIRE! I'M A VAMPIRE! I'M A VAMPIRE! I'M A VAMPIRE! I'M A VAMPIRE! I'M A VAMPIRE!]]'''''"
-->--'''Peter Loew'''

''Vampire's Kiss'' is a 1989 film starring Creator/NicolasCage in what could quite possibly be his craziest performance in a career full of crazy performances.

Peter Loew is a yuppie literary agent who slowly loses his mind. He plays as a businessman by day, and hops clubs picking up women by night. In the opening, Peter sees his therapist, Dr. Glaser, whom he visits frequently, about his sexual conquests. One night, he takes a woman home with him, and a bat gets into his apartment. The experience leaves him feeling sexually excited, something he reports to Dr. Glaser.

Soon after, he meets up with a woman named Rachel in a night club and takes her to his apartment to have sex. However, unknown to Peter, Rachel is a vampire, and she bites Peter on his neck while they are having sex. After that, he believes that he is turning into a vampire, and consequentially, he develops a sensitivity to sunlight and can no longer see his reflection. However, although Peter believes his reflection is gone, it's visible to the audience, and although he ''thinks'' he'll burn in the sun, it has no effect on him.

It's one of ''THOSE'' movies.

->''Not to be confused with the SNES game known in Europe as Castlevania: Vampire's Kiss. For that, see VideoGame/CastlevaniaDraculaX.''
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!!This film provides examples of:

* ActuallyNotAVampire: [[MemeticMutation You don't say?]]
* AllJustADream: [[spoiler:Rachel, as a vampire, is really a figment of Peter's insane mind. It does appear that there's a real woman named Rachel, although it's ambiguous as to whether or not she knows him as anything other than a one-night stand.]]
* AxCrazy: Peter becomes more violent over the course of his psychosis escalating to [[spoiler:rape and murder by the film's climax]].
* BadBoss: Peter obviously treats Alva horribly, verbally abusing her constantly and eventually [[spoiler:raping her]].
* BlackComedy: It's hard not to find Peter's breakdown at least a ''little'' funny.
* BreakTheCutie: Poor, poor Alva. Peter is absolutely horrible to her even before [[spoiler:he rapes her]].
* ButtMonkey: Peter constantly degrades Alva and makes her do tedious tasks (such as looking for a 25 year old contract in a sea of files).
* ChewingTheScenery: Nick Cage is more hammy here than in many of his other roles.
* ColdHam: In the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Fvpyo2WuVY scene]] which [[MemeticMutation inspired]] the "You don't say?" image macro, Cage has a manic look in his eyes and starts to speak a little emphatically, but he never raises his voice over a stage whisper, until the very last line.
* CountryMatters: Used five times, all of them by you guessed it.
* CutHimselfShaving: Peter really ''does'' cut himself shaving, but starts to think of the cut as his vampire bite. Him employing this trope when Dr. Glaser asks about the bandage on his neck is a sort of unwitting truth.
* CuteLittleFangs: When the fangs that Peter expects to appear fail to do so, he buys a pair of cheap plastic costume fangs from a novelty shop and runs around flashing them.
* TheDogBitesBack:[[spoiler:After Peter rapes Alva, she tells her brother, who kills Peter.]]
* DeathSeeker: [[spoiler:By the end of the film Peter starts begging people to kill him and makes no effort to fight back when Alva's brother does so.]]
* GeorgeJetsonJobSecurity: Alva's [[OfficeLady position at the office]] progressively becomes the job of acting as Peter's personal [[TheChewToy chew toy]] throughout the movie. He flat-out threatens to fire her if she refuses or fails to find a twenty-five-year-old contract, despite her dedication and dependability.
* GirlyRun: Seen as Peter runs down the street, screaming, ''"I'M A VAMPIAH! I'M A VAMPIAH! I'M A VAMPIAH!"''
* GrossUpCloseUp: There is a close-up of Peter eating a cockroach. To make matters more disturbing, Nicolas Cage actually ate a real cockroach. It took three takes before the scene was finished.
** Apparently, that part wasn't actually scripted, and the roach's owner got very angry at Cage for eating it, considering the time and money it took to train.
** According to [[WordOfGod the Director]], the version used in the film is actually the first take, and he was happy with it when he shot it. He was just pissed at Cage about something, so he made him eat two more cockroaches.
* HolyBurnsEvil: To the point where sunlight or anything cross-shaped causes Peter to scream in pain. Since it's all in his head and he can't die, this goes on for awhile.
* {{Jerkass}}: Peter was this even before losing his shit, ditching a girl he was having a date with.
* LikesOlderWomen: Late in the movie, Peter calls Dr. Glaser at night. She is wearing an alluring night gown, with a shirtless young man in his 20s.
* LooksLikeOrlok: Nicolas Cage does a rather impressive physical impression of [[Film/{{Nosferatu}} Count Orlok]] in one of the later scenes in the movie, before assaulting a young woman at a nightclub.
* MadnessMantra:
** I'M A VAMPIRE! I'M A VAMPIRE! I'M A VAMPIRE! I'M A VAMPIRE! I'M A VAMPIRE! I'M A VAMPIRE!
** TOO LATE! TOO LATE! TOO LATE!
* MaybeMagicMaybeMundane: This is sort of an overall theme with this movie, since [[spoiler: it's never explicitly stated whether or not Peter is really a vampire (although there are several clues that he probably isn't).]]
** A bit more ambiguously [[spoiler:whether or not Rachel is a vampire. That she is, but Peter is merely a VampireVannabe, is a possible interpretation.]]
* MindRape: When Rachel bit Peter, it apparently drove him insane. [[spoiler: Or not. He showed signs of descending into psychosis even before he was bitten.]]
* [[TrailersAlwaysLie Posters Always Lie]]: Despite what the various posters might indicate, this is ''NOT'' a romantic comedy, but a somewhat disturbing psychological thriller in the vein of ''Film/AmericanPsycho''.
* OurVampiresAreDifferent: [[spoiler: It is apparent, as the movie progresses, that vampires are not real in the world of the movie. Peter, however, seems to fully believe in the most common vampire tropes.]]
** Well, not exactly. [[spoiler: While Peter very obviously isn't one, the existence of vampires as a whole is left ambiguous. Rachel could either be a real vampire or simply a delusional fantasy. She even has a conspiratorial smirk when Peter is thrown out of a club]].
* ThePowerOfLove: By the end of the movie, Peter believes that true love is the only thing that can cure his psychosis. He tells this to a statue in downtown New York City, although he thinks he's talking to his therapist.
* ThereAreNoTherapists: Averted. Peter regularly sees a therapist to talk to. The problem is that his mental illness is far more severe than he lets her know.
* ThroughTheEyesOfMadness: As Peter's mental state gets worse, you're shown his hallucinations.
* RapeDiscretionShot: [[spoiler:When Peter rapes Alva, all we are shown is him pinning her to the ground and tearing her blouse a little.]]
* TheRenfield: Peter to Rachel. He even eats a cockroach. [[spoiler:However Rachel is just a hallucination of Peter's.]]
* SanitySlippage: Peter undergoes a severe form of this, going from believing that he's a vampire to talking to people who don't exist.
* SatelliteLoveInterest: Invoked and later subverted with Peter's imaginary girlfriend Sharon. At first, he imagines her to be his perfect match, but by the time he gets back to his apartment, he's screaming at her for asking about his vampire-phase before telling her to leave.
* VampireVannabe: Peter, to the point where he wants someone to stake him.
* VampiresAreSexGods: Rachel is apparently quite voracious in bed. Even a bat seems to arouse Peter.
* VillainProtagonist: Peter, who [[spoiler:rapes Alva and possibly kills someone over the course of the movie.]]
* WhatTheHellIsThatAccent: Peter's weird high-class accent seems to soften depending on who he's talking to. The best comparison is that it sounds like a mix of [[Film/BillAndTed Ted Theodore Logan]] and [[Film/AmericanPsycho Patrick Bateman]]. [[http://366weirdmovies.com/list-candidate-vampires-kiss-1988/ One review]] even described it as a "from-nowhere accent".
* WeakenedByTheLight: Not so much weakened as pushed into the final stages of delusion.
* WondrousLadiesRoom: At one point, Peter chases Alva into the women's restroom, revealing a very posh environment for nature's business.
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