Exact Words / Web Original

• Austin McConnell has a video called "The Most Viral Tweet of All Time", with the video thumbnail being the Twitter logo. The actual video is about the spread of a certain birdsong across North America among sparrows.
• Bastard Operator from Hell:
  • If you ask the BOFH for more disk space, he'll give it to you — by deleting all your files. And that's nothing compared to what he does with his contract. It got "numerous strange clauses", including one about UFO sighting in the vicinity of the building... which he successfully used... more than once.
  • And don't tell the PFY to "fire her up" when you want him to start a computer; you'll be calling the emergency line soon after.
• On his Bad Gods website, Lore Sjöberg had skits about a radio station that plays nothing but R.E.M.'s Stand. One of them had the DJ excitedly announce that The Pussycat Dolls had just released a cover of the song, and they had a copy, but since they play nothing but REM's Stand, he played that instead.
• An April Fools' Day article about Magic: The Gathering detailed a supposed ultimate deck that "never allows your opponent to deal lethal damage" and "ends games quickly". It actually consisted entirely of ways to trigger a "you automatically lose" condition.
• The New Hansel And Gretel: Much like most Faustian Bargians, Mathair puts the specific things she offered them as part of the deal, though not all of it was as intended.
  • In Jamie's case, she wanted her own private bathroom.
    Mathair: You did want this house because you wanted your own bathroom, darling. Well, now you've got it,... It's a very private place for you to go potty in... Until it isn't.
  • One of the things Jack liked about getting the house was access to a pinball machine. In the brief time Jack and Jamie are allowed to be more "grown-up" (being able to walk and talk), he tries killing time by playing with it.
  • While Mathair agreed to set Jack and Jamie free if they won their bet, she never said anything about undoing the various enchantments that gives them the bodily autonomy of adults. Winning would mean that they would be a pair of adult babies out on the streets without her to care for them. It is this that makes Jamie give in, Jack only submitting to stay with her.
• This Not Always Right story. In summary: An airport agent gets chewed out by her supervisor for not asking an obviously-pregnant woman (who had shown "Fit-To-Fly" documentation stating that she was pregnant) if she was pregnant. The supervisor insists that the agent asks this question to literally every passenger, regardless of age (and no mention is made about making exceptions for male passengers, either). The agent is smart enough to think ahead, get the supervisor's order in writing and signed by said supervisor, and laminates it as proof. Then the agent proceeds to follow the order to the letter, and when confronted about it by the station manager later, presents the laminated proof. The order gets rescinded.
• In The Questport Chronicles, the Fellowship forces a demon to swear that he will lead them to a specific place. They neglect to make him promise to bring them back...
• SCP Foundation:
  • SCP-810 is a lamp with the inscription "Ask what you will, and you shall never want for it." If (for example) you ask for "food", rather than ensuring you never run out of food, you'll never again desire food, and will thus starve to death without realizing it.
  • Then there's SCP-294, a drinks dispenser that dispenses any liquid you ask it for. It was considered completely harmless until someone ordered a "cup of joe", and a security guard collapsed. Upon further inspection, it turned out he was missing about a cup of blood, tissue and various bodily fluids, all of which could be found dispensed into a cup by the machine. And that his name was "Joe".
  • SCP-2128, the Liars' Cradle, will fatally incinerate anybody who tells a lie while inside it, unless someone tries to be clever and invoke a Logic Bomb. In response to "the Liars' Cradle will kill me", the subject was partially incinerated, but left alive. In response to "the Liars' Cradle will burn me", the subject wasn't incinerated, but cut himself on a rock and died of infection. In response to "the Liars' Cradle will physically harm me", the subject wasn't harmed by the Cradle, but ended up committing suicide moments after exiting it.
• In Shamus plays World of Warcraft, Norman is a warlock who tries to be Lawful Good. When called upon to "slaughter a virgin" as part of his induction into the Warlock Union, he buys a virgin sheep and pays a butcher to slaughter it for him.
• Skippy's List has examples:
  33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
  34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I did bring enough for everybody.
  48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
  55. An order to "Put Kiwi on my boots" does *not* involve fruit.
  56. An order to "Make my Boots black and shiny" does not involve electrical tape.
  135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
  124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
  125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
  126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
  127. "No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages" does not imply that a Jack Daniel's ® IV is acceptable.
• This is common when it comes to requests on Songs to Wear Pants To. Andrew will often take poorly thought-out or silly requests and do this to them. For example, one person offered some lyrics and asked for them to be recorded, "not necessarily in this order." This was the result.
• In Thalia's Musings, Aphrodite's blessing on the Pythian Games: "To whichever two among the gods and goddesses here whom the Fates will choose, may you each meet your true love at the Pythian Games." Thalia knows that if she or Apollo is chosen, they won't end up together since they've already met. The first to be chosen is Aphrodite's own son Eros, who finds love at first sight with Psyche. The second is Hephaestus, Aphrodite's husband, who meets Aglaea. Aphrodite is more than happy to let him go.
• In The Tim Tebow CFL Chronicles, this comes up when interpreting the rules of Canadian football:
  • You can't ground the ball to end the play if you aren't on the ground. Which means there's no way to end a play (and conversely, nothing to stop opponents from trying to "force a fumble") if the carrier is in the third story of a house, or in water, or on a ship.
  • In Greenland, Tebow uses a catapult to "throw" the ball over the horizon, based on a vague promise that there's an Argonaut over there to catch it.
    Schooner: Are you allowed to throw it if there isn't an intended receiver?
    Tebow: Sure there is. I intend for there to be a receiver.
• TV Tropes: On the page for Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing, the description of the game says that it "features never-before-seen freedom", which it does indeed: there is no collision detection (in other words, you can go through any object except the ground), and no angle detection (allowing you to drive vertically), and the game allows the player to freely drive straight off the map and into an infinite void.
• This is an April Fool's Day tradition on Wikipedia — the "Did you know?" section of the front page on April 1st contains a bunch of misleading but true facts, with the misleading nature of the assertions revealed if you click on the relevant link. One year, for example, it claimed that "The Australian government requires high-risk sex workers to wear full-face respirators"; clicking on the word "sex" revealed that they were actually referring to the chemical sodium ethyl xanthate, which is indeed a respiratory hazard.
• A writer posted a list of musicians who were in great bands but had terrible solo careers. He invoked this trope to justify including Paul McCartney on the list, pointing out that technically Wings counted as a band.
• In this short story, an Evil Sorcerer allows prisoners to pick the manner of their death as a way of demonstrating his incredible magical might. Many have tried to outwit him, but all fail... until one woman requests to die "in the service of my people. A meaningful death, that betters their lot." Because she specifically phrases this as serving the people, the Sorcerer is unable to harm her, and she meets her end while choking him out, putting an end to his reign.

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