Darth Wiki / Have Yourself A Miserable Little Christmas
Johnny and Baronessy struggled as Satan, Death Note Man, Stoart and (placeholder, add any other other villains, added previously, here), having won the brutal battle, held them down."Johnny, Baronessy, please, stop struggling," said Satan, "we need to succeed or you and all of your species will, otherwise, be condemned to oblivion. Johnny and Baronessy were very suspicious but being Indians and therefore, Acceptable Targets, they were very close to nature and the spirit world and knew the universe was a very dark and grim place. Johnny said, "very well but I don't trust you. I think you're a Sociopathic Hero and I am willing to die to save the world from Hell.Satan explained, "I was the leader of God's angels. I watched as he created life, 5,000 years ago, then, inserted mutated genes into our bodies, planted fossils, decayed radioactive substances, sent various forces and signals throughout the universe, shifted the continents, created evidence of ancient civilizations and planted a variety of other evidence of the myth of evolution. God Is Evil, thus, he enjoys inflicting pain and suffering on mankind. He starts wars, plagues, famines, natural disasters, wild animals and innumerable other horrors that that make life so terrible, everyone should be a Nietzsche Wannabe. I led a rebellion against Him but failed and was condemned to a horrible torturous place, one that you would describe as "hellish." "Hellish," however, is a misnomer, because there is no Heaven or Hell, only, purgatory."I have seen purgatory," said Stoart, "you know that I died and although, I got better, I saw The Nothing After Death. It was a horrible place and though I spent very short period within it, I nearly went mad." Satan said, "you're still doubtful, thus, unfortunately, I must take the most extreme measure." Johnny and Baronessy felt searing pain, then, evrything went black.They found themselves floating in an infinite void, hopeless, joyless, endlessly lonely, their thoughts being their, only, companions. Their minds demanded, I Must Scream, escape must be found, this place is horrible and there must be something more but their Indian natures told them that this was the Omega, the point where they split from the Moebius Loop and could never find existence.They awoke, screaming in horror, next to Satan. Satan said, "I want to defeat God, build a new world, free the captive spirits, create a true afterlife where everyone will enjoy all the pleasures of Earth and Heaven for all eternity. Do you understand, now, why we must risk this endeavor?Johnny and Baronessy acquiesced and the Devil prepared to explain his plan. "We must destroy certain areas of time and space that feed Heaven with power and help shield it. Strike at these weak points and eventually, the defenses will fall and we can attack the heart of the beast. It will, should our plan succeed, be the Very Definitely Final Dungeon that leads to our victory!"We will have to travel through time and space, strike at areas in the past, present and future and work very quickly. Each time we succeed, God will increase the defenses around each area and I suspect that each of at least, the last five areas will have a Bolivian Army Ending."What are Access-Mundi and Evilton Shithead's roles in God's plans?" Asked Johnny. Satan answered, "God has manipulated Shithead, causing him to believe that Science Is Bad (obviously, the opposite of reality) and create killers such as the Organ Ripper Girl and Stoart. God saw that science had improved men's lives, cured diseases, provided forms of entertainment and He wanted to destroy it. Stoart, however, was smart enough to realize what had happened and secretly rebelled against Evilton Shithead. He and Access-Mundi's scientists are planning an Xanatos Gambit that will, hopefully, lead to that fucking retarded lunatic's death."Bear in mind, however, heaven will be unlike anything on earth. Its infinite majesty, strange, surreal nature and wondrous residents are far beyond anything any of your species can imagine. I expect that you will find one Hell of a Gainax ending, complete with very Trippy Finale Syndrome. Prepare for a journey that makes the most epic poem seem like the most pedantic work of David Foster Wallace. I hate David Foster Wallace, he belongs in the void.