Witchy-Poo: But... but I was expecting something smaller... and easier to handle...
Captain Thug: Get serious, Witchy-Poo. This is a classic "superhero scenario." Simple, straightforward. Easy for the kids to understand. Big, dumb, slavering monsters are wreaking havoc on your city. And only you can stop them. So strike a dramatic pose, grit your teeth, snarl something stirring and memorable... then go kick some.
Witchy-Poo: Well, you heard our genuine superhero, eduniki. These clades certainly look tough, but we can take 'em. Remember, superheroes never lose. And neither will we.
Captain Thug: Get serious, Witchy-Poo. This is a classic "superhero scenario." Simple, straightforward. Easy for the kids to understand. Big, dumb, slavering monsters are wreaking havoc on your city. And only you can stop them. So strike a dramatic pose, grit your teeth, snarl something stirring and memorable... then go kick some.
Witchy-Poo: Well, you heard our genuine superhero, eduniki. These clades certainly look tough, but we can take 'em. Remember, superheroes never lose. And neither will we.
Titans: Scissors, Paper, Stone is a 1997 DC Comics one-shot story published under the Elseworlds imprint, written and drawn by Adam Warren. It was originally meant to be part of the 1996 Legends of the Dead Earth event, but wasn't completed in time; however, it shares the same general premise.
In the far future, when Earth and superheroes are both long gone, Jamadagni "Jama" Renuka, a student at an educational space habitat, has a premonition of a great cataclysm. To prevent the cataclysm, Jama assembles a team based off the Teen Titans archetype to become heroes and save their space colony. This team consists of her ex-boyfriend Alec, a cyborg girl named Gabrielle and Hikarimono, a dead teen resurrected by an energy being in his body. For further aid, Jama puts in a chip in Alec that gives him the personality of the late Batman. Once the team is ready, the colony is attacked by warbeasts, which they are ultimately able to defeat. Unfortunately, Alec does not survive the fight.
Titans: Scissors, Paper, Stone contains examples of:
- All Myths Are True: Jamadagni Renuka is a magician who is able to cast spells from any system of magic — even systems that explicitly contradict each other, or aren't commonly perceived as magic. Jama knows this, and she doesn't actually believe in any of it, but everything still works for her. The entire story is her attempt to stop a disaster she foresees by invoking a super team origin — specifically, the start of the Wolfman-Perez Titans — because that would mean the good guys would win.
- Archetypal Character: The basis for how Jama creates the team: a female mage (herself), a masked fighting man (Alec), a weepy cyborg (Gabrielle) and an energy-flinging alien (Hikarimono). The Batman chip comments that Hikarimono also fits the "nigh-omnipotent muscleboy in spandex". Because Jama's powers allow her to invoke any magical ritual, she's deliberately trying to recreate the origin of the New Teen Titans in order to enforce the stereotypical happy ending of superhero stories.
- Atrocious Alias: Jama comes up with some pretty awful names for her teammates; Alec is "Captain Thug", Gabrielle is "Prosthetic Lass" and Hikarimono is "Dead Prettyboy". Alec/Batman repays her by naming her "Witchy-Poo".
- Bio Punk: Although there's plenty of "cyber" to go around in the story's techbase (e.g. Gabrielle's artificial body), most of the setting's Techno Babble is focused around biological terms (e.g. the frequent use of the term Clade
), not to mention the fleshy warbeasts that Jama's Titans were gathered to fight. - Bittersweet Ending: The team defeats the monsters and save the city, but Captain Thug sacrifices himself to save Witchy-Poo, who is left severely disillusioned with superheroes.
- Expy:
- Witchy-Poo: Raven
- Captain Thug: Robin/Nightwing
- Prosthetic Lass: Cyborg
- Dead Prettyboy: Starfire, though the Batman chip also compares him to Superman.
- Future Slang: As expected from an Adam Warren story set in the distant future, the characters frequently use slang like "eduniki" for "student(s)".
- Legend Fades to Myth: Superheroes are long gone and referred to as mythological figures. Even Batman has been forgotten.
- Knight in Sour Armor: The Batman AI who gets dubbed "Captain Thug". By the time of the story, he doesn't bother wondering what happened to Gotham or Earth, or even whether or not he was ever real; he just knows that he's only used when stuff's about to hit the fan, and acts accordingly.
- Shout-Out:
- One of the characters that appears on Alec's shirt is Ryoko from Tenchi Muyo!. The shirt also cycles through art of Adam Warren's version of the Dirty Pair, as well as some Boomers from Bubblegum Crisis.
- Witchy-Poo's name.
- Title Drop: Jama is able to use the scissors, paper, stone game as a set of Boring, but Practical spells — "Stone" as a blunt force attack, or "Scissors" to slice apart a warbeast. Witchy-Poo also uses an Instant Rune ofuda as a shield, although she doesn't call that attack as "Paper".
- Willing Channeler: Alec, Jama's Amicable Ex, accepts Jama's request to host the AI chip with the personality of Batman. Alec succumbs to the fatal wounds Captain Thug suffers, although Jama is able to retrieve the chip at the end.
- Wrong Genre Savvy: Discussed. During Jama's informal briefing of the team, she explains that she wanted to recreate the Titans' origin in order to invoke the tropes in superheroic mythology — most importantly, that the good guys win, and nobody gets hurt in the end. At the end, Captain Thug tries to explain that some tragic deaths are inevitable after Taking the Bullet for Witchy-Poo.
