Chapter 11 - Amanda's revenge

Two days after their experience on the river, the boys decide to head over to the tunnels to see if the combination they found works on the lock. But is turns out there's a Doberman pinscher in a neighboring yard that barks loudly when the kids walk past it, and continues barking even as they enter the yard with the hidden tunnels. They became afraid that the dog's barking will attract attention.

So they retreated back out of the yard with the tunnels, and waited for the dog to go away. But the dog did not leave after a long wait. And, when the boys re-entered the yard with the tunnels, the dog resumed its barking. Consequently, the boys decided to postpone their plan until later in the day. By then, they hoped the dog would be back in the owner's house, or somewhere else.

So they backed out of the yard, and waited for the dog to go away. Where did they back off to? Did they just stand around and watch the dog to see if it would leave? Where were they standing? I'm picturing the three kids just standing around like guards, watching the dog, hoping it would leave, and totally not looking suspicious in any way the whole time.

The kids go back to Archie's house, where Archie picks up the newspaper, which they then open up and start to read.

Remember, there are 12-year-olds. And now they're reading the newspaper.

Okay, to the author's credit, they start out intending to read the sports section, but they can't help but notice the bold printed headline on the front page saying:

JEWEL THIEVES STILL SOUGHT:

REWARD POSTED

"Gosh! These guys must really be hard to find," Billy said. "Now there's a reward out for them?"

Archie grabbed the front page of the newspaper, then read the first five paragraphs of the article. "Yup! It's a reward alright. Says here it's a ten thousand dollar reward, too, for information leading to their capture. How about that, huh?"

"Wow! That's a lot of money," Hank said. "Maybe we should try to find some information on those guys ourselves, or find out where their hideout is. Think of all the stuff we could get with ten thousand dollars, Archie."

This dialog, I tell you. Wow, golly, gosh, gee wiz. Oh, and they're reading the newspaper. Are you sure the author can tell the difference between middle schoolers and the elderly?

Archie says that the criminals would probably have a hideout out of town, to make them harder to find. Since Archie said something, Billy naturally agrees, and also says it would be useless for the kids to consider stopping an adult criminal.

"Alright," Hank said. "But if we see any strangers around here wearing black clothes and sunglasses, let's follow them if we can. Maybe we'll get lucky and..."

What.

Who actually thinks that spies, criminals, jewel thieves and the like wear black clothes and sunglasses? That doesn't make you look less suspicious; it makes you look more suspicious! If anything, it makes you look like you're trying to be cool, to stand out in a crowd. And it grabs the attention of our 12-year-old detective wannabes. That alone makes it a useless disguise.

The boys soon turned to the sports section of the newspaper and started reading that.

Meanwhile, two doors up, Amanda and her two friends - Janet and Cindy, were huddling on Amanda's front porch. They had become aware of the boys out on the curb ten minutes earlier. Now they were scheming to get back at them for throwing the rotten apples in Amanda's pool, four days prior.

Huddling. A (American) football expression. And again, we are getting exact numbers here. Two doors up. Ten minutes earlier, they had "become aware" of the boys on the curb. Four days prior.

The girls broke their huddle with a mischievous giggle, and then went inside Amanda's house. When they came back out, each girl had an egg in her pocket, fresh from Amanda's refrigerator.

Aww sheeeet, what are they gonna do with those eggs? I think I have an idea, and I assume you do as well, considering this author's tendencies to have certain types of things happen a lot.

They stopped giggling and walked furtively toward the boys. The boys were still huddled together near the street curb, reading the newspaper. They had their backs to the girls, totally unaware of their presence. The girls now tiptoed within ten feet of them and stopped for a moment. The boys still did not see them. Now the girls were confident of success. They proceeded quietly within an arm's length of the boys.

Exciting slowly sneak up on boys reading the newspaper action! They'll totally never see it coming.

Wouldn't it be a great subversion if the girls did not meet with success? If the boys became aware of their presence? That is the thing authors do, after all - make it seem like something will happen, and then surprise the reader by having something else happen. It's similar to the Unspoken Plan Guarantee. That any plan not described where the viewer/reader can hear/see it will work, but any plan described in detail will go wrong.

But here, the author makes it clear that something is about to happen, right before it happens.

Guess what happens next?

Then Amanda gave the signal, and all three girls took the egg out of their pockets and crunched them on top of the boys' heads. The boys did not even know what hit them.

Oh, hell yeah! Let's hear it for crushing something on someone's head in a humiliating manner! Funny that the book described crushing the snowballs on their heads as humiliating, but doesn't do that with eggs, even though eggs leave more residue and are kinda obvious, as well as a pain in the ass to get off.

The boys reached up and pulled the eggshells off of their heads in bewilderment, and quickly turned around to look behind them. That's when they saw the three girls running back toward Amanda's house. Right then, in a split second, the boys knew exactly what had now happened, why it happened, and who had done it.

"Let's analyze the situation, guys. Ready?

What had now happened: Eggshells are on our heads and yolk is running down our faces.
Why it happened: Eggs were cracked on our heads.
Who had done it: Amanda, Janet and Cindy.

Analysis complete. Let's get them!"

The boys chase the girls into Amanda's backyard, and grab their upper bodies around their arms.

But the boys were careful not to hurt them, not forgetting they were girls. The girls screamed and yelled and struggled, and called the boys bullies. But the boys would hear none of the girls' rhetoric, and they would not let them go.

"Don't forget, guys, these are girls!" "I'm hearing none of their rhetoric!"

Billy complains about not having eggs, but Archie has another idea.

He looked around desperately for some dirt clusters, with the intention of putting them down the girls' backs, or perhaps squelching them in their hair. But he did not see any areas of loose dirt or shrubs nearby, where such a weapon could be found.

Weapon: Dirt cluster.
Use: Crush on girl's head in a humiliating manner.

404: WEAPON NOT FOUND

Then, just in the nick of time, Hank came up with a clever idea. "Let's throw them in the pool! That'll take care of them!"

Hank, you're not allowed to come up with "clever" ideas. That's exclusively Archie's domain; don't you know that?

Archie and Billy looked over at Amanda's in-ground swimming pool. It was only ten yards away, and still plenty full of water.

"That's a great idea!" Billy shouted.

"Yeah!" Archie yelled, "I didn't think of that! That'll do the trick!"

Amanda says that her brother, Jeffrey, will get back at them, but Archie falsely brags that he's not scared of him. They throw the girls in the pool.

"There now! That'll teach you!" Archie shouted.

"Teach us what!" Amanda replied, with a snicker. "You're still a bunch of eggheads! Ha! Ha! Ha! And I'm still going to tell my big brother, Jeffrey, what you just did!"

"Go ahead and tell Jeffrey!" Archie exclaimed. "See what we care!"

"Yeah!" Billy and Hank added, "we don't care!"

Eggheads. Such wit. Also, did Billy and Hank say that entire sentence in unison? Granted, it's a four-word sentence, but I still wanna know.

A few seconds later, Jeffrey walks out of the house.

He had not seen the boys throw the girls in the pool. But he was still plenty sore about the rotten-apples-in-the-pool incident, four days earlier, and his subsequent failure to get the boys in the tree house. Now, with all three boys present, he saw a golden opportunity to get his revenge.

If he hadn't seen the boys throw the girls in the pool, then how come he came right out of the house? Was it just a coincidence that he happened to come outside right after they had just thrown the girls in the pool?

Anyway, since a gender war is brewing, unnecessarily, I'll keep score:

♀ Amanda steals Archie's football to get him to tackle her. He doesn't.
♂ Archie and buddies put dirt down the shirts of Amanda and pals in retaliation.
♂ Archie et al throw rotten apples in Amanda's pool, totally unprovoked.
♀ Amanda and buddies crack eggs over the boys' heads.
♂ In retaliation, Archie's gang throws Amanda's gang in the pool.

It's debatable who started it, since Amanda did take Archie's football to try to trick him into tackling her, though putting dirt down their shirts is more "permanent". Either way, what sticks out to me is the time Archie's gang threw rotten apples in Amanda's pool, then stupidly told her big brother that they didn't deserve to be punished for this stunt. They did that totally unprovoked, and it was a really douchey thing to do.

Jeffrey chases the boys (considering Amanda's gang started it, they're the brats this time), and catches Hank, punching him in the stomach.

"One down and two to go!" Jeffrey shouted.

Now he pursued Archie and Billy, intending to inflict the same harm on them.

Yes, please remind us of Jeffrey's intent. I thought his intent was to hug them.

Archie and Billy split up. Jeffrey chases Archie.

Archie sprinted three houses up the street, and then cut up an alleyway and into a backyard. He leaped over a hedge of thorn bushes there, and entered a rear yard. There, he waited, expecting Jeffrey to give up the chase. But in a few seconds, Jeffrey appeared, much to Archie's dismay.

"Darn! This guy doesn't give up too easily at all!" Archie mumbled to himself.

I'm getting shades of the fence scene here. Archie sits around, assuming he's safe, but nope, his pursuer shows up again. Why did you expect him to give up easily, Archie? Unlike the bullies (remember them?), this guy has a legitimate beef, and he's not gonna settle it in Smash.

The chase continues for another page, and Archie finally has to make a choice between running through an alleyway, or a corridor. Said corridor is known as the "minefield", because it's a favorite spot for neighbors to curb their dogs. Archie assumes Jeffrey is unfamiliar with the minefield, and runs through it.

He now ran quickly through the minefield, carefully dodging the clusters of dog-doo that were present everywhere. He made it through unscathed, and waited behind a hedge on the other side of the street.

What happens next, meanwhile, is the book's lame attempt at slapstick:

Jeffrey landing in two separate piles of doo.

Then Jeffrey approached the minefield. He had never taken this grassy, shadow passage before, and was not aware of all the dog-doo present there. He ran into it quickly and haphazardly, and immediately skidded on a wet pile. In an instant, he lost his balance and fell backward, landing in two separate piles of doo.

Man, what a clinical, straightforward, way to describe something that's supposed to be funny.

Naturally, Jeffrey takes this time to sound like a dumbass:

"Oh, no!" he shouted, in a panic-stricken shriek. "I've - I've fallen in it! Oh, my gosh! Oh, no! Oh, no!"

Having thoroughly made an ass out of himself, Jeffrey gives up the chase.

Billyhank hive mind dialog count: 11

Crushing something on someone's head count: 5½

Total victory celebration length: 32 minutes

Comments

MetaFour Since: Dec, 1969

Nov 17th 2014 at 6:39:09 PM

JEWEL THIEVES STILL SOUGHT:
REWARD POSTED

The author's already proven that he can't write children's dialogue convincingly, and now he demonstrates that he can't write good news copy either. "The situation you're already aware of continues to be a thing that's happening. (Also, there's a cash reward now.)" Pretty impressive, burying the lede in the headline.

Ever since Archiehankbilly threw rotten apples in the pool, I've been siding with the girls in this unnecessary gender war. Pity their victories are always so short-lived.

Ellowen Since: Dec, 1969

Nov 18th 2014 at 6:56:26 PM

I am so glad that I never had to deal with "wouldn't hit a girl" nonsense. the girls, we gave as good as we got, and got as good as we gave—that said, it was pretty much all a huge game, and not a 'fight' but still, we were equals.

second point: STOP WASTING EGGS. eggs are food, yummy food. brats. you'll be sorry when Ma tries to make a cake and you've used all the fricken eggs. why is this a thing, I have never gotten why egging people is a thing.

noo, don't throw people in pools. just don't. between wearing shoes and clothes that get sodden very fast and things like going into shock by sudden, unexpected contact with cold water, and/or children throwing things that are their size being hard, which could have led to concussions—someone could have gotten very hurt. bad Author! bad! no treat! don't encourage this! I am 150% on the side of the girls at this point.

Live Blogs A return to ''The Room'' of kids' books - The Adventures of Archie Reynolds! - a truly special kind of awesome awfulness BonsaiForest2015-04-16 08:08:58

Billyhank hive mind dialog count: 11

Crushing something on someone's head count: 5½

Total victory celebration length: 32 minutes

Comments

Live Blogs A return to ''The Room'' of kids' books - The Adventures of Archie Reynolds! - a truly special kind of awesome awfulness
BonsaiForest2015-04-16 08:08:58