We open to a bit of a confusing scene. It's not picking right up from the semi-cliffhanger, rather jumping ahead a few minutes to the Mane 6 tending to Tick Tock's injuries, to her somewhat annoyance. Well, most of them tending to her, Pinkie is pretty much just standing off to the side snickering at her rather British inflections. This bit.. it's great once it gets going, but it just kind of feels weird to get started with. I think it would have been better to pick it up right where the last chapter left off, as it is it feels like it's skipping around a bit to much, or things are delayed more then they should be. It just.. doesn't really flow right right at the start. Takes to much time setting up what's going on and what we missed between chapters when it would have been easier to just not time skip at all. Especially such a small one.
In any case, once you get over the initial oddness of the setup and figure out exactly what's going on, which admittedly doesn't take to long, but still felt off, Tick Tock finally start's explaining things to the Mane 6. (Really I think that delay is the oddest thing, that she waited this long to start talking, despite the Mane 6 still doing what they had started on. Again would have felt better IMO to have her just keep talking from the last chapter while the Mane 6 went about tending to her.) Flathoof's reaction also feels a bit.. odd to me, he's a bit skeptical of Tick Tock's claim that the Mane 6 are from another world, but doesn't really pursue it, just asking if Tick Tock might have hit her head a bit harder then she thought then staying silent and listening. Admittedly it wouldn't really be that odd for him to simply stay silent and let the other pony talk as much as they want, some of the best ways to a cop can get information out of someone is to just let them ramble. So could see him simply listening till she's done and working things out then. Just, again, felt a bit odd for him to pop out that one line, then nothing for awhile.
She brushes off her wounds as simply getting in a scuffle with somepony who didn't take well to her job, giving us a mental list of why she didn't want to go into details. Basically she didn't want to worry them, and didn't think it would matter once they got out of the city, which she planned to do ASAP. Not to mention she managed to put up a good fight against him on her own, so with all of them together, he wouldn't really pose a threat.
This leads to us finally getting a description of just what Chronomancers are. A sort of guardian of the multiverse. Protecting worlds from threats that could damage the very fabric of reality. Not getting involved with wars or politics, or anything like that, staying neutral on issues involving the ponies or other creatures of the world and simply working to keep the laws of magic running smoothly. Their biggest task, sealing Void Portals before they get to big and start warping the very foundation of the world it's growing on.
Well, she finally gets around to telling them about Discord's seal weakening.
Pinkie gasped. Loudly. “Oh gosh, Discord’s back? Girls! We have to get home soon! We’re gonna miss the free popcorn! Cotton candy clouds! Chocolate milk rain!”
Of course that's what she's worried about.... really don't think anyone is surprised at that.
Then off on a quick tangent where RD complains how unfair it is their seal is lost so much faster then the Princesses. Which the explanation for leads to another tangent where Tick Tock and Twi argue of some details about magic. And a line that pretty well sums up a whole lot about Tick Tock's character.
Tick Tock narrowed her eyes. “Are you really arguing with me on the semantics of how magic does or doesn’t work? We don’t have time for—"
“I’m just trying to understand it,” Twilight said. “The better I know what’s going on, the better I can think of a solution. I’ve studied magic for my entire life, so this just seems to go against everything I’ve ever learned. I mean, if you’re wrong about—"
“Wrong?!” Tick Tock shouted. “My dear Twilight Sparkle, I am a Chronomancer. We’re never wrong about these sorts of things. My counterpart from your world, Time Turner, is—"
She's cocky, very very cocky. Very sure of herself, very certain that she knows what's best, very self assured, and yeah that causes her to come off as abrasive at times. And as seen, very resistant to entertainomg the notion that she is wrong. While she does know more then the Mane 6 about this stuff in general, she is far from as all knowing as she thinks she is. But, at the same time she does truly want to help, and it never gets to bad. Yeah she can be a bit brash or condescending, but never so much so she stops being likeable. At least to the reader, not hard to see how she can get on the nerves of some of the Mane 6 though.
Well that leads into a discussion about Doctor Whooves, (Yeah still using that name, so far that change is still the only revision I just don't like.) More arguing between Tick Tock and Twilight about just how much better Tick Tock knows what's she's talking about, brushing off any question Twi has as not important or simply "I'm a Chronomancer, I know better." You know, if it wasn't for what we've seen before of her, this really would have been a bad light to see her in and make it a lot harder to like her. And a really bad first impression for the Mane 6 to get of her as well.
Another issue with the scene is how much it jumps around, it's all over the place in what's being talked about, getting a lot of exposition, world building, and information out quickly, but in a rather shotgun manner. And yet, at the same time it makes sense. How they got from one topic to the next flows well, and it is just like Twi to go off on tangents about random little details. Yet at the same time.. it feels off. These are some of the hardest things for me to describe or convey. Logically, it works, it all makes sense how it's happening and why, yet, in some way I can't quite explain it just doesn't feel right. Feels to scattered, to haphazard....
Oh well the rest of the Mane 6 actually agree with me it seems, as they tell Twi to stop worrying about the nitpicky stuff for now and let Tick Tock finish her story.
“Right... I didn’t mean to sound disagreeable,” Twilight said.
Given how much of an Insufferable Genius Tick Tock is being right now, I can't really blame Twi for wanting to call her out on stuff. Really, they are taking her attitude a lot better then I thought they would.
Anyway, she finishes the explanation. Telling them about having to get to Harmonia down in Utopia, explaining about how Nihila wouldn't help, and also explaining why them popping out in NPC instead of Utopia wasn't just bad luck, since Void Portals rarely form down there due to the heavy amount of Law magic suffusing the place. RD hits one on other little bit that doesn't make much sense, how Tick Tock knows so much about them when aside from Twi none of them even met The Doctor, so he couldn't tell her about them. To which she admits to spying on them, telling them that if it wasn't for what she had found out from The Doctor, she still wouldn't have come talk to them. Rather she would have waited till another natural portal was ready to form before telling them she could send them home, but time is to critical to try do that now.
“Spying on us, huh?” Rainbow narrowed her eyes and turned to Twilight. “I don’t know about you, Twi, but that sounds fishy. How do we know she just didn’t overhear us talking about going home, and is just making all this up to try and take us for a ride?”
As much as I have, and likely will, complain about RD's general attitude in this fic.... she does have a point here. Granted the reader trusts her because we've seen the proof, we know she's telling the truth, so to us, yeah RD can come off as overly suspicious and belligerent again. But this time it is justified given just what she knows about Tick Tock so far. Twi even agreeing with RD that it was awful convenient.
Plus Tick Tock's reaction is priceless.
Tick Tock’s jaw dropped. “You’re joking. You’ve got to be bloody joking!” she shouted. “I’m trying to help you, and—"
Though Twi interrupts her, pointing out to all of them that she DID name drop The Doctor, somepony that only Twi knew about, and then only barely, had never mentioned or even thought of since coming here, and how his oddities perfectly match what Tick Tock described.
Rainbow nodded. “I guess that makes sense. Well, if you say so, Twi, I guess we can trust her.”
..... wait.... hold on... CEQ RD being reasonable!? On her own? Without any major fighting or drama? Please tell me this keeps up, okay the revisions were so worth it.. just for that, long as it keeps up at least. (Well that, plus the hopes that a random chuck of rock ends up turning Briarthorn into a smear at the bottom of a crater the instant he opens his mouth the first time.)
Flathoof finally speaks up again, being fairly accepting of the whole "from another world" thing, being more critical and doubtful of Tick Tock's plan to get them all the way to Utopia then he is about the story. Hold on.... wait.. just wait.
“And you are?”
Okay.. you were following them all day.. you were sitting within earshot of him and AJ as they were talking, how do you NOT know who he is!? Also, Flathoof is awesome.
“Captain Flathoof, NPPD. I’m their parole officer. I’ve helped these young ladies get through their first twenty-four hours here pretty well, I’d like to think. If they need to get home that quickly, well, I suppose I’d be willing to help a little more.”
Yeah, Flathoof is just awesome. Plus, his reason for believing them is pretty damn solid and shows how smart he really is. He's not just being nice and taking their word for it, he actually, and quickly, worked out the logic and realized why any other option besides they are telling the truth is unlikely.
“Your whole plan is getting out of the city. If your original story were true, that means you’re just going right back out into the desert, and that’s plain dumb.” Flathoof shrugged. “So, what else is there to believe?”
Oh yeah, Lockwood too.
“Well said,” Lockwood said, patting Flathoof on the shoulder. “If you eliminate the impossible until only the improbable is left, then the improbable must be true. I’m with Flathoof. Anything I can do to help, just ask.”
Though Flathoof does get right to point of why her idea is nearly impossible.
Flathoof turned to Tick Tock. “How exactly did you propose to get out of the city?”
Tick Tock groaned and touched the bridge of her nose. She winced and jerked her hoof away from the still-healing gash. “Oh bugger, I knew I forgot something. How am I going to get them out of the city? I didn’t really get time to think on it, what with the... scuffle.”
Okay so, you have this grand plan on how to get them home... but didn't even get it worked out to the point of get them out of the city!? And we get proof right away that as much as she likes to think otherwise, she is not as smart as she thinks she is.
Turns out the city really REALLY doesn't like having ponies just walk out of it while they could still squeeze more money out of them. So Gate Passes are very, VERY expensive. While Flathoof and Tick Tock each have one due to their jobs, getting ones for the rest of the Mane 6 would be all but impossible.
“Heck, if we all pooled our money together we might be able to afford one,” Tick Tock suggested. Her head sank. “Next year. Maybe. With interest.”
When she's not being an insufferable know-it-all, Tick Tock really is damn great. Even then she has her own bit of charm while doing that. Oh plus... Pinkie.. you better get over this quickly, or the rest of your friends just might end up gagging you after a few days.... no.. if they were going to do that, it would have been done ages ago.
Tick Tock sighed. “So the bloody Gate really is our only option.”
Pinkie didn’t try to hold in a giggle this time.
Tick Tock shot her another glare. “Oi! What in the bloody hell do you keep laughing at?!”
Pinkie shook her head. “Oh... nothing old bean. Sorry, sorry, go on, I’ll keep quiet.”
Lockwood interjects, pointing out that he also has a Gate Pass, something Flathoof finds really hard to believe he could afford, even with his connections. Though turns out it's a fake. And he knows a way to get fake ones for all of them.
Two bits here. First, Flathoof proves yet AGAIN how awesome he is. Yeah he's Lawful Good, but the 'Good' always comes first. He chides Lockwood for it, pointing out just how much trouble he'd be in for dealing with fake documents, but doesn't actually do anything. Nor does he stop them from going ahead with the plan. Again, such a great pony.
Second.... Lockwood's whole explanation about why he has one, saving up for a ticket, all that.... feels really really wrong given what we later learn about him. If it's just a cover, I could see that, but even then it just feels odd. Not to mention calls into question some things we find out later, but will get into that more once the revelation is made, just keep what he said here in mind till then.
And we get a rather... long winded description of the Outer Districts. A lot of words all coming down to one thing. The place sucks. IDK, the description here kind of goes a bit overboard for me. Takes a lot of time to make clear, over and over, how bad the district is. Plus, unlike most of the major exposition about the world so far, this really has makes little sense to be being said. Before, it's pretty much been justified as the pony we're watching thinking about it, or somepony explaining it to the Mane 6. I guess this could be Lockwood and Flathoof doing so now, but nothing in the actual story points to that directly. Just, doesn't feel as well done as the rest of the exposition in the story, sticks out a bit.
That said, it DOES paint a really good picture of the area, really sets the mood. So, while feeling a bit off, was still mostly well done.
Unsurprisingly, the forger that Lockwood knows lived out there. So the group gets to traipse through the slums. Though fairly close to the wall between the districts, so it's as close to a 'good' part of the area as they can hope for.
Hmmm, not really a lot to talk about here, just them walking through the area, seeing how bad it is, mostly what you'd expect from the Mane 6 seeing something like this. Though a bit more development for Lockwood. As we learn he runs a charity organization out here that tries to help out. Mostly running a food bank every so often. Also this.
Lockwood smiled and tipped his hat, a wide-brimmed fedora that matched his jacket. It was something he always wore when he went outside, along with a little black umbrella. When asked why he carried an umbrella, he’s said that it was never a bad idea to be prepared for freak acid rain storms. This unsettled the Ponyville natives, even though he later assured them he was joking and the umbrella and hat were just what he liked to wear outside.
I have no idea if that really does mean anything, or really says anything about him but, just an odd little eccentricity. Though, hat and umbrella everywhere... half expect him to start joining in on Tick Tock's little verbal eccentricities.
Getting a bit more info on the Dolor food, some of the differences between the colors. A funny little scene from Pinkie comparing them to jelly beans, which only ends up making her hungry for jelly beans. Then a just, oddly funny bit where the native ponies have a friendly little argument over which is the best color of Dolor food.
Okay, again not really anything major in this scene, other then the set up for the district and how bad it is in the begging. But that could have been added anywhere. And yet, the scene doesn't feel useless, doesn't feel out of place or unnecessary. (Though yes from a strict plot only perspective it could have been cut without missing any important story info.) Even though nothing major happens, it's still a good little scene, gives us some character interactions, and doesn't last so long that you start to notice nothing is happening. Really, just another really well done little bit, that while not adding anything major to the plot, adds so so much to the story.
Well, they arrive at Lockwood's friend's house. Flathoof staying outside at the other stallions request since, you know, having a cop around tends to make ponies a bit hesitant about openly breaking the law. He leads the rest through the tiny, though apparently empty, house and down to the basement. Clearly Keeneye (the pony they are here to see) does this often, as the basement is basically a waiting room. The Mane 6 grabbing some magazines and settling in to wait.
Rarity had discreetly snagged up a copy of Studs!, which she’d thought was self-explanatory and hid it behind an issue of Fashion!, which was also self-explanatory. Rarity snorted and threw the inner magazine aside after a few pages; home improvement was hardly what she’d expected.
I.. I just... somehow.. that just does seem perfectly in keeping with Rarity.. I really could see her doing that. And the magazine being what it was... I do get the joke but.. it seems a bit of a stretch to me. Oh well still hilarious. Oh and this...
Twilight was reading instead from the far wall, where there was a list of pricing for all the things Keeneye was capable of doing for her customers, namely under the category labeled Forgeries.
Okay.. I get that law and order isn't really a big thing out here, and almost no cops around to be worried about but.. even so.. isn't it kind of monumentally stupid to have something like that sitting out in your place where anypony can find it? Then again, given this city, anypony that would do something about her forgery likely wouldn't need that to toss her in jail. So guess might as well.
Next issue..
“Keeneye must do things like this often,” Twilight said. “All this stuff seems awfully expensive. Thirty-five bits for a false identification?”
“You’re joking, right?” Rainbow asked, not taking her eyes off a page loaded with fancy flight goggles. “I got a fake ID when I was still in flight school. Cost me like five bits. Worked like a charm.”
What? Seriously, what? Why, when, how... what the hell would anypony need with a fake ID... when so far we've seen nothing even hinting at them having any type ID card.... Not to mention having nowhere to put it or carry it the vast majority of the time it.. it just... it makes no damn sense.
Lockwood explains a bit about how Keeneye is able to make fake ID's so good that they can't be detected. She used to work in the NPRD making them, before realizing how easy it was, and just how much more profitable going solo would be. Assuring them that he'd tested his own Pass and it worked perfectly. Though lamenting how you can't forge airship tickets. (Again some of this stuff just sounds off knowing what we find out later) Commenting that even if you could, he wouldn't try it. Since while you might be able to talk or bribe our way out of serious trouble with the police, you can't do that with the military.
Which leads to a tangent where the Mane 6 talk about their own military, since the native ponies were rather shocked at a place as peaceful as their Equestria seemed to be having one. And.. the description for it is rather good. Yeah they have one, but it's more a 'just in case' thing, not really active,and acting more like the National Guard does for the US then the Army. Helping out with large scale disasters etc... though, okay....
Rainbow bolted upright and pounded her chest. “Yeah! And my heroes, the Wonderbolts, serve a double purpose as the best stunt-fliers in all of Equestria, and as Equestria’s Air Force. I’ve been wanting to join them since I was little, they’re so awesome. Finally got into the Wonderbolt Academy too, so I’m like, this close to making it!”
Alright, while the overall thing there is good. "my heroes, the Wonderbolts" just sounds really really.... odd, just that phrasing is off, feels weird and forced. More like dialog that was written as part of the script, then a natural flow of Dash's speech. Just... bit clunky there IMO. Also, thank you, glad more people are finally getting that she isn't a Wonderbolt yet. The 'Academy' was basically just a preliminary try out. She's moved her name a lot further up the list for selection, but still isn't on the team yet.
Oh, and since on the topic of guards. I prefer the My Little Denarians explanation of how the Royal Guard operates and just what their job is. Basically, whenever a major threat occurs, their job is to get and keep all the civilians out of the way, while the Princesses and/or the Mane 6 deal with it.
Well that topic gets cut off by AJ asking them to stop talking about it...for.. some reason.. yeah bit confused why that would be a topic that was uncomfortable for her....
okay umm, wow just ummm wow this.. this is just bad I mean, am I alone in seeing how this entire bit no sense at all? Or, did I miss something?
Okay going back through.. I see what happened but, damn that.. that is just, yeah that is not done well at all, really REALLY confusing.
Any case Keeneye comes out and gives them their altered ID's, now perfectly fine for use as Gate Passes too. The issue is, we never saw them giving her the ID's, so that comes right the hell out of nowhere. I had to go back to the beginning of this section to find out what the hell was going on.
Lockwood had asked Flathoof to remain outside, so as not to frighten Keeneye, who was about to do some very illegal things to help them out. Still, the house appeared empty at first glance. None of those who had entered the house, nor the home’s owner, were anywhere to be found. They were not in the den, they were not in the kitchen, nor were they in the bedroom.
The way the scene is set up and starts out, makes it sound, and made me think, that Mane 6 were walking through it to the basement. That we were seeing them as they entered, setting down to wait for Keeneye to start. Nowhere is it said that they had already talked to her and were waiting on her to finish the work. So, you're waiting for one thing to happen, then something else which can't happen till after what you're waiting for happens.. you feel like you missed something fairly important.
Now going back, rereading and thinking about it, yeah it's clear what was intended to be happening but, really really didn't come off right. All it needed was some line right near the start that they were waiting on her to finish her work. Without that, some hint of what they were waiting for, and opening with a paragraph about how there was no sign of Keeneye anywhere in the house, makes it seem like they are waiting on her to show up. Just, yeah just, really not a good bit when you have to stop, break out of the story, and go back to check if you missed something.
Anyway.. getting back to the story now that I've figured out what the hell was going on. Keeneye brings up payment, offering to give Lockwood a discount in exchange for a date. Something that he seems clearly uncomfortable with, and uses the excuse of him going on a little vacation to delay it. Though does end up agreeing to give her a rain check and take her out in exchange for keeping the cost down to what he had in bits.
Okay three points here. First off, that place she wants him to take her. Chez du Fromage de Terre Land of Cheeses? Ooookay then. Second, well and third kind of. Some more great bits about Lockwood's character. We know, well he's said, he's trying to save up for something specific, something he really wants, and yet gives away what he's saved just to help the Mane 6. Ponies he's just met. Granted thanks to Tick Tock he knows, well given he believes her, just how important it is they get home, but still giving away your life savings to help like that... very impressive.
Finally. This is the first bit that actually DOES make more sense in light of what we later learn about him. The early stuff, just, sounded weirder knowing what comes later, this, really really makes a ton more sense. Though, prefer to avoid major spoilers for later chapters so, another thing to keep in mind for later, after the reveal. (Hopefully I remember to mention this scene then and talk about it, someone remind me if I forget)
Okay, make that four things, one that might not be as big an issue, since it deals with things that happened in the first version. That were supposed to be altered somewhat and improved in the edits. RD's attitude towards Lockwood. Some of it.. both could be explained by this scene, and yet also make her attitude make even less sense. Again this is first version, we'll see if the edited one is less frustrating about it. So far good job, but the real issues didn't start till later. Anyway. She tended to be very suspicious of him (You know, maybe an odd part to put this but it JUST occurred to me, I have the doc for the revisions bookmarked so I CAN look to see what was changed in each chapter that I might have missed... *facepalm*) mostly about his 'intentions'. Now seeing a mare all but throwing herself at him, couldn't have helped. But, by the same token, his clear uncomfortableness with it, how much he tried to deflect her advances, and just how he DIDN'T take advantage of her offer, despite it being damn clear she was interested in more then just dinner, should have shown he was more on the level then she felt he was.
As they leave Rarity asks Lockwood, as should be evident now, if he really was planing on going with them. Saying that yeah, he'd been saving up for a plane ticket, but now that they are all going where he wanted to go anyway, and in a group big enough that they should be able to deal with the dangers, why not take advantage of it? Adding a bit to why he was so willing to give them the money he had saved up. Rarity then going on to needle him a bit about Keeneeye's obvious attraction to him, Lockwood trying to blow it off, slide out of it, or just change the topic, but Rarity not letting go. Oh and this bit
“Huh?” Lockwood blinked. “Oh, you’re right, I didn’t. Well, I don’t have a... girlfriend.”
Note the pause. He was using a very very specific word. Yeah some good build up and hinting towards what's coming later. Rarity finally giving him some peace as he runs over to become very involved with talking to Flathoof. Rarity running over a mental checklist about him, all points that make it seem like she's considering his likelihood as a coltfriend.
Rarity stored that idea in the back of her thoughts, quite curious at the prospect of having him along for their little journey. This might just be exactly the opportunity I’ve been looking for.
Ugggggggghhhhhhhhh, I know where this is going... and it is NOT good, at all, just, UGH! Worst part of the story not named Briarthorn for me. Actually, I might hate this subplot more then I hate that idiot, just because this one ends up doing far far FAR more damage and makes so little damn sense.
Now, I'll get into more detail with why I hate it when it develops, but, one of the key "this is fucking stupid" parts of it is apparent right now. They are all on their way to get sent home. They will be in this world, with these ponies, for less then a month, then they will never see them again. Why the hell are you freaking worrying about hooking up with any of these ponies!?
The AJ/Flathoof thing, I actually like, it makes sense. Nopony is pushing it, forcing it, encouraging it. It's simply growing naturally. Not something anypony is making a decision about. This? Not even close. This is 100% forced, And doing so when, again, in less then a month you will never see any of these ponies again, is just so freaking stupid.
AJ notices Rarity's interest, heckling her a bit, till Rarity turn's the tables and starts poking at AJ's infatuation with Flathoof. But, it's a nice bit, they aren't being mean, nasty, anything, just friends poking a bit of fun at each other, without either taking it personally or getting upset. Oh and then ends with this.
Applejack trotted ahead, leaving Rarity behind. The unicorn smiled and made another inward note or two. And he likes graceful mares, does he? This is just too perfect.
No, it's not, it's freaking ridiculous, stupid, frustrating, annoying, and a major drag to an otherwise amazing story. And you are a fucking idiot for even considering what I know you are considering.
Well, we move to the group approaching their building, tired, sore, and ready to get a good night's sleep before heading out of the city in the morning. Flathoof finally going through the expected "this is so damn odd and unbelievable" phase. Bit delayed but, you almost have to have at least one pony do it with a story like that. AJ saying she understands him being a bit unsure, telling him they have some stories about stuff they've done in their world that would make this seem like the most logical thing in existence.
Oh and seems Flathoof isn't planning on going with them, and he's half trying to talk Lockwood out of going. Mostly out of concern for his friend. Lockwood saying not to worry, he'll be fine, and as to Flathoof's family missing him, well soon as he's settled in he'd send enough money to have all of them moved out of the city. Something that makes Flathoof laugh, telling him not to get delusions of grandeur.
Two bits, one, he made it seem when talking to Keeneye that he would be coming back to the city. Two, another little seems a bit funny now minor line, that takes on one hell of a new meaning when you know what we later learn about Lockwood.
“Ya sure y’all don’t wanna come with us? Lockwood’s comin’, I’m sure he’d be glad ta have ya. I know I’d enjoy... we’d enjoy yer company, I’m sure of it.” She shot a glance at Rarity, who grinned before turning her attention elsewhere.
Smooth AJ, really smooth. Like I said, I DO really like the AJ Flathoof stuff.
Though he isn't going to neglect his duties in the city, not to mention his family. He'll make sure they get out of the Gate okay, but after that they are on their own.
And then Pinkie suddenly slips and falls, blaming it on a sudden pinchy knee. (Okay, is she going to be wearing those roller skates the whole time? That... I could see her doing it but, that will not be a good idea for some of what they will be going through.) Leading to the other mares to ask regular pinchy, or 'Pinkie pinchy.' With it being the latter. Cue a rather humorous bit where they try to explain Pinkie Sense to Flathoof and Lockwood, failing miserably and just making them even more confused.
“Didn’t pinchy knee mean ‘alligator in the tub’?” Twilight asked. “I’m a bit rusty on the Senses.”
“Nah, that was achy shoulder,” Rainbow said. “Pinkie’s gotten me out of one-too-many encounters with Gummy thanks to that one. Pinchy knee... pinchy knee.” She shrugged in defeat. “Huh. I forget which one that is, she doesn’t get it often.”''
So, you spend a lot of time in the bathtub with Pinkie around?
Flathoof turned to his left. “Miss Tock, you and your story just keep getting weirder and weirder. Are you sure you’re sane?”
Tick Tock flustered and defensively pointed at herself. “M-me? I didn’t bring up any of this rubbish. I think it’s just as bloody ridiculous as you two do. Don’t go blaming this on me.”
Okay, okay,that was freaking hilarious.
I..I just.. this whole scene is freaking brilliantly hilarious. Twi actually having to try and defend Pinkie Sense, admitting she doesn't understand it, but that it does work.
“Yeah, one too many doors in the face’ll convince you, I guess,” Rainbow said, failing to stifle her laugh this time.
Finally letting Pinkie explain it herself, as well as her pointing out, that rather then spending time trying to figure out just what sign meant what, they could have just asked her and gotten on with figuring out why she got the sense in the first place. And while describing twitchy tail, her tail starts twitching. Pinchy knee of course meaning something scary is about to happen.
Cue massive fireball exploding out from their building right above them. Causing a massive wall of flaming debris to fall down towards them. Twilight reacting quickly to put a force field over the group, keeping them from being crushed. Straining to hold it together as more and more debris crashes onto it, but managing to keep it up till everything had settled. Stuck having to hold it longer still as their was a good amount sitting on top the shield that would still crush them if she let go. Though without the added force of impact, she seemed able to hold it easily.
And while most of the ponies were simply amazed at still being alive, or explaining how shook up they were over the near death experience, Tick Tock was simply fascinated with Twi's quick thinking, and more specifically, her knowing such high level combat magic like barrier spells.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Combat-oriented? No no, I found this spell in Student Savings: How to Get Through College Without Breaking the Bank. It’s supposed to save money on umbrellas. There was also a chapter on utilizing burst spells to clean your teeth to save money on toothpaste.”
Tick Tock raised an eyebrow, and spoke slowly. “Saving money... on umbrellas and toothpaste. You learned highly-advanced combat magic... to save money on umbrellas and toothpaste.”
Twilight nodded, not seeing anything wrong with it at all.
Tick Tock shook her head in disbelief. “No wonder Time Turner spends more time in his T.A.R.D.I.S. than out in the field! Your world is bloody bonkers!”
Mundane Utility at it's finest. Also, have I mentioned recently how freaking awesome Tick Tock is? (Though, point. While the original joke was freaking amazing... kind of also would have expected her to mention Shining Armor maybe as well.)
Though can't be all fun and games, as AJ points out they really have no way of getting out. Twilight can't hold the shield up and teleport all of them out at the same time. Tick Tock setting up her own shield, saying she'll hold the rubble off, while Twi focuses on teleporting them. And after a bit "But what if I can't" moment from Twi, which is perfectly in character. She's worried about failing, and given how high the stakes are if she does, it's perfectly believable. Tick Tock asking Rarity to help her. Explaining to her how to use her own magic to boost Tick Tock's, even without knowing how to do the same spell.
“I see... very well, I’ll give it a try.” Rarity ignited her own horn and let her magic flow outwards into the air, and concentrated on channeling it through Tick Tock’s own aura. A white tint enveloped the green glow of Tick Tock's horn.
Tick Tock took a sharp breath. “Whoa! Bloody hell, Rarity, you really put your all into it, didn’t you?”
Rarity raised an eyebrow. “I... suppose I did. Are you sure this is enough?”
Great little bit of foreshadowing here.
Well it works, and Flathoof orders the group to get back, get somewhere safe while he goes in to do his job and help keep things under control till the rest of the emergency response ponies can show up and start with the real work. When Twi tries to ask if they can help, he tells them again to go and just take care of each other.
“I think you’d be more help now trying to keep your friends calm.” Flathoof pointed back towards the others, particularly at Fluttershy, who was shaking in panic. “Just get someplace safe, let me do my job. That’s not me asking you, that’s me telling you.”
Yeah, he might be nice, easy to get along with, and fairly friendly, but he is still damn serious about his job, and one of the most respected cops in the city. There's a reason for that. Yet more amazing characterization on display.
Twi admits he's right, and yet still feels bad over not being able to save more ponies, knowing there were other that had been hurt or killed by the falling debris. Wishing she'd been able to shield more then just her and her friends. Hearing a pony calling for help from under some nearby debris, lifting it off and and....
...and. oh sweet Celestia this part is.. it's just... wow it just. hurts. Not, not going to go into detail just, a pony Lockwood knows..and and seeing it... just damn. But, it's in no way a bad scene, just, just really painful yet, powerful and, and, just....
Okay, this scene... really it's quite saddening, very painful, even if it is some pony we've never seen before just, just seeing it.. it's a really really well done scene and, played almost perfectly. Being sad, without going to far, barely any actual gore, just enough hints to know it's bad, the focus on her, and the loss.. and.. the more I dwell on the scene the the more impact it has so... just, an incredibly well done, if saddening scene.
And, even as sad as it is, it leads right into a truly heartwarming, if still twinged with sadness bit. The Mane 6 are all shaken, all finally realizing just how bad this world can get. They knew, intellectually, it was bad. But now they all realize just HOW bad. Fluttershy breaking down in tears, weeping about how she wants to go home, Rarity comforting her, the rest, all coming together. Sure they are in another world, things are bad, bleak, and there is a lot of very real danger in store. Things are bad, and they are just realizing HOW bad. But they have each other. Will be here for each other. RD trying to help Twi not feel so guilty over the ponies she couldn't save. Twi apologizing for arguing with Pinkie, telling the other mare to let her know the instant she gets any Pinkie Sense. RD and Pinkie just, holding each other....
“But I should’ve listened to you right away instead of arguing about it, again.” Twilight then looked in Pinkie’s eyes, firmly, not angrily. “From now on, Pinkie, if you get any of your ‘little niggling feelings’, you tell me immediately, okay? This whole journey we’re about to embark on sounds awfully dangerous, and if your Pinkie Sense can detect things like this, I want to know what else it can detect. You might just keep us alive through all of this.”
“That’s putting a little too much pressure on her, Twilight, don’t you think?” Rainbow said, ruffling Pinkie’s curls. “I know she just got a really big set of brownie points for this, but her Pinkie Sense isn’t always consis—"
“I’m not willing to take that risk, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight interrupted. “I’d rather listen to all of the silly ones and take them seriously, if it means every now and then we’re going to get one that keeps us from getting crushed by a landslide or walking over a sinkhole, not just getting hit on the head by an potted plant or walking into a door."
This whole bit it's it's just amazing. It really REALLY conveys just how deeply these six are connected, how much they they care for each other. It would be so easy after something like that, the shock, the adrenaline, the fear, all of it, for it to cause some of them to lash out. But they don't. It brings them closer together. And coming right on the heels of, of such a sad scene, that amazing bit of uplifting beauty.. it's, it's just perfect. And, works so well within the story as a whole. This is really where the main story starts, everything else was buildup, getting the pieces in place, now the real story is ready to take off. This scene getting everything ready, pretty much preparing everyone, not just the Mane 6, but the readers for the ride. Things are bad, there will be danger, this isn't going to be an easy trip. Bad things will happen. But, these are still the ponies we know, they are there for each other no matter what. As long as they are together, things still might just work out. (Also, seriously, the random shuffle on my music playlist is creepy. Right as I type up this bit, it's playing "Friendship" by Aviators.)
Flathoof coming back, quickly asking if Fluttershy was okay as soon as he saw the pegasus.
“She’s just in shock,” Lockwood said. “I think this the first time she’s ever seen anypony... die.”
“It’s a first time for all of us.” Twilight stood up and trotted over to Flathoof. “I’ve seen dead ponies before, but those were just pictures and lab specimens, not... not this. This is new. For all of us.”
Flathoof nodded and put his hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “It’s not an easy thing to get over. I wish I could say I’m not affected by it, but I still am. Be glad that you are affected by it. You know there’s something wrong with you if death doesn’t shake you up a little.”
.... Once again.. Flathoof is just plain awesome.
Further cementing his awesomeness not only as a good pony, but a good cop, as well as damn smart. Putting together some things quite quickly. Lockwood points out the explosion seemed to happen right about where the apartment with the constant gas leak was. Flathoof noting how convenient the timing was. Short version, he thinks it was the pony that tried to kill Tick Tock trying again. Something she doesn't disagree with as being possible.
Okay, now I don't remember of we ever got it confirmed one way or the other if that WAS Shadowstep.. it might have been. If so, damn he got very VERY sloppy. Now let me say right now that given everything, I did not think it was him, and while I could see him doing this just to kill one pony, at the same time, not really.
I could see him not caring about collateral damage, hell reveling in it even. But, two things make this feel off from something he would do. First, I know I snarked a lot about how he killed Snapshot, and while a pretty dumb way to do it, it is perfectly in keeping, and even establishes a lot about, his character. He's not some cold, professional assassin. He's a psychotic, sadistic, murderer. He kills because he enjoys it. And the slower the better. He enjoys reveling in the kill. This, seems to impersonal for him. He'd want to be there, to see her eyes dim, want to feel her heart stop beating. Second, he was ordered to stop the Mane 6 from leaving the city, pretty heavily implying Silvertongue wants them alive, otherwise he would have told him to just kill them. So doing something like this, which risks, and would have, killed the Mane 6 as well... yeah doubt he'd want to piss of Silvertongue again so soon by killing them.
Then again, maybe I'm wrong and this was him, but, still just doesn't quite feel right with what we know so far. That said, it's all about what WE know about him, given only that THEY know, yeah logical conclusion to come to.
In the end, the threat of this convinces Flathoof to come with them. He had wanted to do so from the start. Part of him wanting to help them, but he simply weighed their risks and what they were doing, versus what he was doing in the city, and thought his job here was more in need. But adding this into it. Somepony out specifically to kill them, it altered the equation, made them more in need of his help. Once more, he is freaking amazing. Just, how logically he works that out, and how quickly. Plus his reasons are all so perfectly valid.. yeah he's one hell of a pony.
He assuages some of their concerns over him just leaving by telling them he's got about five weeks of vacation time backed up he can use. He just has to stop by the station and get Snapshot to but the paperwork through for him quickly. Asking Lockwood to look after the mares and take them to Flathoof's family's place to rest for now while he does that. And while some of them try to protest burdening his family like this, he simply points to Fluttershy, making them all see how much she needs to just get somewhere safe and recover a bit before heading out to even more danger.
Though as they turn to leave, he calls Tick Tock over, telling he she was coming with him.
Tick Tock’s jaw dropped. “Say again? What, I don’t get to ‘rest and recuperate’ too? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a bloody mess. Literally. I think I—"
Flathoof glared at her and stomped his hooves on the ground. “I don’t care if you’re missing all your hooves and your mane’s on fire! I’m not letting you out of my sight, and I sure ain’t gonna let you head on up to my family’s home when you’ve got some sort of psychopath chasing after you that’s willing to blow up half a damned residential complex just to get to one pony!”
Tick Tock backed off a little, as Flathoof was getting right in her face now.
“You’re coming with me, got it? If this lunatic comes after you with just me around, that’s a risk I’m willing to take. I’m not risking my family, my best friend, and six completely innocent strangers when I can take the burden up myself. You got a problem with that?”
Once more, holy fuck is he Genre Savvy, plus the whole trying to direct any threats to him, not anypony else... freaking awesome.
And gee turns out that Snapshot never showed up that day. Hmmmm. Flathoof does not take that well, even less so when the mare at the desk next to her doesn't give a buck about it. Instead bitching about how much work that leaves her to deal with, and making some rather snide remarks about her to boot.
Okay, just when I think Flathoof can't get anymore awesome, he goes and does it. Giving Firecracker one hell of a verbal beat down over her behavior, all while staying completely in the regulations, and using those to point out just how screwed she would be if Flathoof felt annoyed enough to file a few reports about her. All without coming off as him being sly, or underhoofed. Simply him stating facts, is anger at the mare's casual disregard for Snapshot, as well as her open disdain, quite apparent. Best bit...
Firecracker rolled her eyes and fluttered her big wings. “Stallions. You’re all alike. Fine, I get off in a few hours, then we can head back to my place and—"
“What the—" Flathoof shook his head wildly. “Ha ha, what? No, you’ve got it all wrong. I need some paperwork filed. Not... whatever it is you thought I wanted. What in the hay made you think I’d—"
Hey it worked, yay!
And it just gets worse for her from there. By the end of his rant, she would do anything he freaking wanted to get out of the deep, deep shit she's found herself in. So yeah, one little vacation form? That thing will be filed so damn fast the paper might just catch on fire.
As they leave he tells Tick Tock screw the tight time schedule, he's gotta go check on... on... oh come oe guys..
“I know all that, but I’ve got to check up on something. Someone...”
Someone? Really?
Anyway, they get to Snapshot's place. Tick Tock simply glad that she only lives on the tenth floor, getting more then a bit exhausted by all the running around today. When she doesn't answer the door Flathoof asks Tick Tock if she can pick the lock, and after quipping about this better not being a set up to have an excuse to arrest her, she does so.
Now, the why is damn obvious. Again he's more Good then Lawful. He's going to be bursting into her place regardless, simply out of concern for her. But, if he can get in without needing to then buy her a new door, well that's even better.
Wait, no... he was joking. He didn't actually expect her to be able to pick it, just wanted to give himself some time to build up to smashing it down. Oh and yet more lovely British-ish snark on why she knows how to do that.
Tick Tock turned pink and coughed into her hoof. “Uh... I forget my keys a lot. Why isn’t the bloody door opening though?”
Well seems she has a LOT of locks. Though a comment about having six locks being overkill makes Flathoof, awesome Genre Savvy pony that he is, realize that, umm no, she only has five. A quick listen at the door and he's pushing Tick Tock out of the way, yelling for them to run for it. Just in time too as the door blows out behind them, a chunk of it slamming into Flathoof's head and knocking him down.
Okay so, seems explosions can be his style, though he was still there to see it directly, and mop up if needed. Which he does start trying to do. Tick Tock had been sent sailing down a few flights of stairs, just barely saving herself from his first attack because he had to let out a nice evil little chuckle to warn her. (Okay for someone as 'skilled' as he is, that might seem dumb, and yeah it kind of is. But the why is clear. This isn't about just killing her because it's a job, he wants to enjoy it. He loves the struggle, wants her to KNOW he going to kill her, to have her fight back. Makes the actual kill all the sweeter.)
And another pretty damn epic fight scene. Tick Tock just barely managing to hold off Shadowstep. Eventually getting in a really good hit by tricking him. Making an opening for him to exploit, and when he went for it, grabbing a twisted metal chunk of railing and slamming it into his side hard enough to possibly break his wing. At the very least cripple it for quite some time.
“You fancy yourself a swordsmare, do you?” The pegasus snorted. He blocked her makeshift weapon with his dagger and pushed her away. “Maybe when you get a real sword I’ll consider you a threat.”
Okay.. nothing yet but... why do I have the feeling their final battle she'll actually have a real sword?
Though, even then he easily outfights her. I get the impression, just by how easily he is outmatching her, that he wasn't giving it his all. There had to be a few times he could have gotten her worse. Really feels like he's toying with her, wearing her down. So he can REALLY enjoy the kill. Getting the chance as she runs out of energy. The killer standing on top of her and starting to choke her. Saved only by Flathoof recovering and knocking him off. Trying to arrest him.
“Are you seriously considering turning me in?” the pegasus asked. “As if I haven’t broken out of a pathetic little jail cell before. May as well make them out of cardboard!”
Funny, really, nice little quip there.
Anyway, he does accuse Shadowstep of all the deaths from the explosion, though he neither confirms nor denies that really was him. Again I could see it either way but, it IDK kind of feels more like it not being him would make more sense.
The two fight, Shadowstep easily out matching the stronger pony, as well as knowing just how to taunt him, just what to say to keep his opponent off balance. Being able to both fight that well, and mess with your opponents head that badly at the same time.... yeah holy fuck he is scary. And nearly wins. Only stopped from tossing Flathoof down a several story drop by having forgotten about Tick Tock, who telekineticly slams one of his own daggers into his side... right through his uninjured wing. Flathoof quickly bucking him over the railing, watching as he fell out of sight.
And, not to be outdone in the "Holy Fuck is he competent" department. Flathoof ALSO makes sure to point out they can't trust he's gone till they go and make sure they found a body. And either way, they need to get to his home and get going ASAP.
Thoughts- The chapter title could not have summed it up better. Initialization. As I said earlier, this chapter is the tipping point. Up till now, the epic roller coaster ride that is this fic has been building steam, slowly climbing up that first massive hill. This is where it reaches the peak, poised right on the edge, and starting to slide down the other side.
I cannot stress just how amazing I found the entire scene with the explosion. It, it hit everything almost perfectly, going smoothly from humor, to fear, to sadness, then to hopefulness and heartwarming. That scene, the end of it.. if the fic can keep THAT feeling between the Mane 6 going... so much epic. Even, that.. one part.. again while unbelievably sad, depressing... it is still so so well done. Even more so since it's just some random pony we've never met... somepony we really have no reason to care about... and yet... we do.. it just... brilliant, just brilliant.
Really, so far the revisions, bar that one I keep harping on, are so SO damn well done. They really are taking an already great story, and making it freaking AMAZING. Can't wait to see how it pans out for the later chapters where my issues with the story started.
Comments
