Michael and his friends are hanging out in the park. Well, just the blonde girl and the black guy. Wheeler and Ponytail Guy are missing. Likely they were nabbed by the police. Though my theory is Gaia found out about one of her Planeteers' side jobs. Despite being on the run from the authorities just a few hours ago, Michael sees this as the perfect opportunity to smoke a pipe. Clearly his love of the halflings' leaf has slowed his mind.
Blondie and Token have decided pot is so 5 minutes ago (almost literally, from our perspective). She says she knows how to get more crack for just 10 dollars. I'll take her word on the price (I don't know how much it costs
) but as to how she suddenly has a connection? -shrugs- Smoke thinks this is a great idea, and they seem to look at each other. She then proceeds to mooch off Michael, who's having none of this shit, saying that crack is "serious stuff". Token suggests he's just chicken. Smoke agrees, snatches Michael's wallet and tosses it to Blondie. Cue chase scene! This does at least prove that our gaseous friend is not a hallucination. In this world, drug addiction is caused by sentient clouds of smoke talking to you. To which I'm sure the children in the audience can relate. The chase is cut short when Michael falls into an open sewer (after the cover is opened by a green hand with three fingers), and Smoke falls after (despite being able to float).
Down in the sewer, they are met by a stern but familiar face. It's Michaelangelo of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and he's none too pleased. (And is not going to be helping Michael get back his stolen property, in case you were wondering. This isn't an anti-theft special.) After sarcastically congratulating his epic fall in his typical Totally Radical dialogue (though the snark is more characteristic of Raphael, I think), Mike (the turtle) suggests it's the work of his pipe weed.
Michaelangelo: "Your brain must be, like, really messed up!"
Smoke: (without ever moving his mouth) "Drugs don't do anything to your brain! They just make you feel good. Right, Mikey?"
Michael (no angelo): "...Right!"
Mike (the turtle) decides to prove his point to Mike (the human) by reaching down into the colorful sewage to pull a plug, sucking them down into a huge drain. Suddenly Michael finds himself on a roller coaster ride with the Muppet Babies (well, Kermit, Gonzo, and Miss Piggy. How did they choose which toons got stuck in this special? A massive Rock Paper Scissors tournament is my guess.)
They take him on a trip into the human brain to demonstrate that drugs are like a roller coaster. They make you feel on top of the world at first, but then you come back down, and it takes more to get that thrill again. Sooner or later, you reach the point where you feel like you have to use just to function. I'm not sure where all the Nightmare Fuel comes in. But smoke and plushies talk in this world, so maybe it's better not to question it.
The ride ends, which leads Michael to a shocking discovery: all this scary shit is happening in his own brain. Didn't see that coming. We pan out to see his body smoking a joint and getting ready to skateboard. The bigger Michael stumbles and falls off, while his passengers are jostled around in his skull. The toons head out an emergency exit, but the smaller Michael finds he can't leave. It is his body, after all. At least he wasn't performing surgery I guess.
Suddenly he finds himself back in the park, surrounded by Huey, Dewey, and Louie (woo-hoo). "Now I'm seeing ducks?" he says. "I've gotta get off of these drugs!" (I know what you're thinking: he just admitted he has a problem. That means the special is over, right? I like you. You're silly.) The toons ask him why he doesn't just say no. "Because I don't want to," he responds. Much like Bugs, they don't buy it. Clearly he has no mind of his own to make such decisions. And I must admit, nothing he's done or said so far proves otherwise.
So they decide to teach him (and the kids at home) how to say no to drugs.
With a musical number. "Wonderful Ways to Say No", music by Alan Menken, lyrics by Howard Ashman.
I won't subject you to the full lyrics. Basically, according to the toons, there's a million ways to say no. But they can easily be divided into 3 categories.
1. Literally saying "no". Or some variation such as "no way" or "no sir". Or you can say it in another language, such as "nein" in German. Cue a shot of Alf smashing the Berlin Wall.
2.The aggressive approach. "No, I don't want your crack! Now get the hell out of my face before I carve you up like a Christmas goose!'
3.Excuses. Increasingly stupid ones. "I must be allergic." "I'm training for football." "My hamster died." "Those drugs are so boring!"
I suppose I've heard worse songs. But I think it would have been better if they went with Ringo Starr's "No No Song".
- "No no no no, I don't smoke it no more.I'm tired of waking up on the floor.No thank you please, it only makes me sneeze.And then it makes it hard to find the door."
Also Alf cuts Bugs off on his part and rips off his catchphrase. I'm suddenly really glad I can't remember his show. What an ass.
The song ends with Miss Piggy literally Breaking the Fourth Wall (with a kick). Michael wakes up back in his room and dismisses the whole thing as a dream. He reaches for his stash, when there's a knock at the door. It's Corey and Pooh. She tells him she misses the way things used to be between them, and also her stuffed bear thinks he should tell their parents about his problem. But he's having none of it. He tells her to stay out of his room, and not to say anything to them or else...well, he gives no answer. Except for squeezing her arm tightly and shoving her against a wall. Getting the message, she leaves.
Smoke tells Michael he was in the right, but he still feels guilty. "I don't know what's right anymore," he says, looking into a mirror inside his box. "I'm not in very good shape." As the ghost starts to tell him how great he looks, his reflection changes to Alf, who says "If that's me, I'm in serious trouble!" He pulls Michael into the mirror. No wonder Alf isn't afraid of the government. He can just hide in the Phantom Zone.
What will Michael find on the other side? The answer will be revealed in our final chapter, which will be posted...soon.
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