The Girl Who Lived is really an amazing case. It finds new ways to suck. I mean, with Fallout: Equestria I could sometimes almost go entire chapters without really having anything to make fun of, but that isn't the case with this story. Speaking of, I'm planning to start reading Project Horizons today. I probably won't liveblog it because of too many words. I'll probably just post my impressions/thoughts in the main Fallout: Equestria thread. It's slightly interesting because I don't know what I'll think about it. On the one hand, it sounds like it has even more angst, sex, violence, rape, and words than the original. On the other hand, apparently Blackjack is remotely likable.
For example, this next chapter opens with a scene of Hermione asking Rose how to shave her pubic hair.
THEY'RE ELEVEN. THEY DON'T HAVE PUBIC HAIR, BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T HIT PUBERTY. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT'S CALLED THAT?
So... anyway, Rose tells Hermione how to do the hair removal spell, but tells her not to tell any of the other girls about it soon all the girls will be doing it and Alicia could get in trouble and her mom could get fired from her job. Huh? That doesn't make any sense. Also, I don't think prepubescent girls are exactly... oh, fuck it, the author's a stupid guy who has no idea how girls act.
So then we move back to plagiarizing canon, moving into the Christmas stuff. As in canon, Rose is staying at school, because McGonagall (who she still calls "Minnie" in the narration, annoyingly enough) is also staying.
So there's the bit where Ron and Malfoy almost have a fight and Snape steps in to dock points from Gryffindor. And then there's this.
“Ms Potter, you were being affected by a Hurling Jinx, it’s Dark Arts, no one else would recognize it for what it was, I was muttering because I was casting the counter-Jinx, not that it did help much,” sniffed Snape, “but it was enough to allow you to do all those acrobatic insanities to keep you on your broom.”
“Do you know who cast it Professor?” I asked.
“I only have a suspicion, but I was in no position to see,” explained Professor Snape.
“Well, it had to have come from the box you were in Professor, because it was the only place that had a direct line of sight to my broom at the time,” I explained, “I managed to get a glimpse of you, Professor’s Quirrell, Sprout and Flitwick maintaining eye contact with me. Which isn’t saying much as I was the focus of much attention at that point.”
“Are you certain of this?” asked Snape intensely.
“Yes,” I answered truthfully.
“Very well, I shall bear this in mind and report it to Professor Dumbledore,” he said finally.
But this is stupid. It was done infinitely better in the book: Snape is presented as a big Red Herring, and at the end it's revealed that it was Quirrell all along. It was a good twist and it had build-up and plausibility. This is just aggravating because the people reading the fic are already familiar with the books, so we're already going to know it's Quirrell. I get that this is aiming to be a "rewrite," but the change is worse than the original in every way.
So we get the stuff with them looking for Nicolas Flamel in the library, as in canon.
Also, isn't the idea behind meditation that you clear your mind? Indulging in a fantasy seems kind of counter-productive.
Also also, why is this here? Seriously?
Though the story did one thing that genuinely surprised me: The author has allowed Ron to still be good at chess. And he actually hammers it in a bit, about how everyone looses to him at chess. I guess the author is trying to pretend Rose isn't a complete sue after he took away Ron's big moment with the troll and gave it to her.
In the book we actually got an example of the advice. This author has removed it.
So we get the scene where they get their Christmas presents. As in the book, Rose gets nice presents, including chocolate frogs from Hermione, a wooden flute from Hagrid, her father's invisibility cloak, and a jumper from Mrs. Weasley.
Wait, why does she get a flute from Hagrid? In the book, Harry and Hagrid were friends. He visited Hagrid's hut on a semi-regular basis. In this fic that hasn't happened - they only appear to have interacted in passing.
Though she also gets a copy of The Lord of the Rings. And... McGonagall sends her present. Remember the druid stuff?
This amulet is what I used during my time as a Druidess,
when you see me on Christmas, I will fully explain it’s proper use.
DO NOT PUT IT ON UNTIL THEN.
Love,
Minnie.
You know, I noticed - the word document here doesn't just indent the lines in the letter to make it closer to center. Some of the lines are such that it appears he hit tab once or twice, but for the most part, the author got the text to it's place using the fucking space bar.
“Wow,” said Ron, “who’s that from?”
“My guardian, it some sort of magical amulet, I can’t put it on until my guardian helps me with it,” I said frowning, wondering why? Would it needed to be keyed to me in some way? It was obviously dangerous to use without knowing its properties. Ron didn’t bother asking me who my guardian was, nor did Hermione anymore. I had to calmly explain to them, that I couldn’t risk even the slightest slip of the tongue when it came to who my guardian was. Minnie was protecting me, so I would protect her from the side-effects that would undoubtedly come when it was learned I was adopted by her.
And it's stupid. If anyone cared, they'd investigate as soon as they found out she was adopted. And given that the stuff is all in paperwork, it'd come up anyway. There's no reason for her to be keeping this secret. It's just stupid.
And then there's an original scene where Rose meets with Professor McGonagall. It's too long to post the whole thing in one chunk. The first part concerns the Christmas present Rose got her.
“Merry Christmas, Ma,” I replied. I had been using this form of address for a while now with Minnie. I had read that it was the form of address used in Eastern cultures when an adopted child addresses her parent. The reaction from her the first time I used it was one of the happiest memories in my life. “I hope you liked my present,” I stated.
“It’s a wonderful gift, Rosey,” said Minnie. It was a very rare Transfiguration Spell book that I had noticed in Flourish and Blotts, it dated to the thirteen hundreds and it was sealed in glass display case and, it wasn’t exactly cheap either, but I decided I wanted to get Minnie something special. I had sent an owl to one of the owners of the store to help me with the purchase and he was more than glad to.
So... she sent a letter and the story owner gave her a discount or something? Ugh. This is just abnoxious. Apparently people in the fandom tend to go overboard when it comes to Harry's fortune.
To recap - Harry inherited a lot of money from his parents. We're never really given an exact figure, but it's described as "a small fortune." There are, however, indications that it isn't enough that he can blow on whatever he likes. In the third book it's noted that he doesn't blow a ton of money on the Firebolt or on a set of Gobstones. In the books they never really flaunted his wealth. It was just there enough to have that fantastical escapist element. Like when he buys a bunch of candy.
Rose, by contrast, appears to be flaunting her wealth.
Yes, she craves attention. It's one of the tell-tale signs she's a Mary Sue.
And now the part where she explains the amulet. Her shiny new druid amulet.
“So you want to know what I gave you?” she asked a tiny smile on her lips.
“Please,” I replied pulling out the amulet, “I’ve been going through a million theories in my head as to what this thing does since this morning.”
“I can imagine,” smirked Minnie playfully, “well; this is a druidic amulet, among the druids it’s known as a Travelling Aid, it’s also used in some rituals. I received this when I completed my training.”
“Why can’t you train me?” I asked a little petulantly.
“I told you, Rosey,” sighed Minnie, “it’s for a properly trained druidess who is current in the arts to do that, despite my having completed the training; I haven’t done a bit of druidic magic for over thirty years.”
“Oh all right, I’ll just have to wait till the coming summer, I couldn’t find any books on druidic magic,” I stated with a frown.
“Nor would you,” said Minnie, “the druids are actually outside modern wizard society Rosey, as you will soon discover. In fact they have kept themselves hidden from it since Hogwart’s founding. They kept their magic alive by word of mouth only.”
So there are no books on druidic magic, because they only do shit orally. And nobody else has written on them? Surely there could be ex-druids like McGonagall who could discuss it. And with how "Minnie" here is cheerfully chattering about them is, well... There are some slight holes in the "secrecy" thing, y'know?
“Yes, I will demonstrate, would you take off all your clothes Rosey,” said Minnie; I frowned for a moment, but complied, if a bit nervously. I had never been naked in the presence of my adoptive mother and this was going to be a first.
“Good,” said Minnie, “now, you see that Celtic rune just below the ruby, which almost looks like the Greek infinity symbol, touch it.” I touched the strange rune and gasped as it lit up with a light purple color. “Good, now touch the ruby.” Now the ruby glowed as well and I felt the familiar heat of a Warming Charm, but this time it encased my entire body perfectly, even my feet. I looked up and saw Minnie suddenly blink a few times and rub her eyes. She smiled. “Look in the mirror,” she pointed to the corner of the room where a full length mirror stood. I walked over and gasped again.
Instead of looking at my nude reflection wearing a beautiful amulet around my waist, I was looking at a fully clothed version of myself, dressed in Hogwarts robes with Gryffindor colours.
“Wow!” was all I could say. I had been toying with the idea of surprising Ron by appearing nude in the common room, when no one else was around, but I could never work up the courage, nor would I want to explain it to him.
I mean, seriously, what's the point of all that, then? I mean, I'm not a nudist, but if I were... wouldn't part of the point be that you want to have the wind and the rain and the sunshine on your skin? This is just stupid.
I gulped nervously and shuddered as that very fear unearthed itself in my being, at its mention. Not trusting my voice to speak, I clenched my jaw and nodded determinedly, looking at my Hogwarts robes lying on the floor.
Oh, and again, this amulet and druid stuff is here for one reason and one reason only: Rose feels more comfortable sleeping without clothes on. She is adopting a religion because she wants to sleep with her clothes off. McGonagall is advising her to go in this direction.
“Really?” I asked excitedly.
“Yes, normally I would not think you have the strength of mind to do it, but according to Professor Flitwick you do. Incant: Mutatio, while having a firm picture of what you want to wear in your mind.” I smiled and screwed up my eyes in concentration and then mentally screamed the incantation. I opened my eyes and now I appeared to be wearing a criss-cross halter top dress with bare midriff, it was coloured in blending patterns of light red and peach and I had flat heeled black ladies shoes on my feet.
I mean, a halter top dress with a bare midriff. Quite a sexy outfit for an eleven-year-old. Seriously, did the author at any point consider the character's age?
“Anything else, Ma?” I asked slightly incredulously.
“Oh of course, you will note that the golden chain’s links are wide enough for you to holster you wand on, there are also invisible pockets at your sides, now we have to get to lunch,” announced Minnie. I nodded. Opened the door and walked into the halls of Hogwarts.
So then there's the Christmas Feast. The author makes a bizarre choice of continuity. He describes Christmas dinner, and then he writes the scene as, I shit you not:
I and the Weasleys spent a happy afternoon having a furious snowball fight on the grounds. It was quite funny, since the Warming Charm protected me quite adequately from getting cold and wet, except for my hair. The twins bristled as I explained it away by saying I had placed an Impervious Charm on my clothes.
“That’s cheating,” they chorused.
“No, it isn’t, it’s being prepared, besides it doesn’t cover my hair as you can see, and my head is freezing,” I complained.
And then, as in canon, Rose decides to sneak out into the castle with her new invisibility cloak. And, as in canon, she decides to sneak into the Restricted Section of the library.
The Restricted Section was right at the back of the library. Stepping carefully over the rope which separated these books form the rest of the library, I held up my wand to read the titles. They didn’t tell me much. Their fading gold letters spelled words in languages I couldn’t understand. Some had no title at all. One book had a dark stain on it that looked horribly like blood.
Ooh! Hello there, Suspense! I didn't expect you to be here! Hi!
Recall how in the book and the film this sequence was spooky? How Harry could hear the books whispering, of all things? Yeah, the author cut that.
Disguises for the Gifted was a book which definitely fell under my list of things to research in the future. The numerous times I had looked through the library in the search for Nicolas Flamel, I had found countless other things which piqued my interest. One of these was a talent known as a Metamorphmagus. The book I was now looking at was the answer to one my major problems, being recognized wherever I go. I hated my fame, as I got it because of something I didn’t do at the cost of my parents. If I could do this, I could blend in anywhere. I turned to the first page of the book.
That was very hopeful. My mind flitted back to the time when I spontaneously re-grew my hair after Petunia had cut it horribly. I paged through the book further and it listed mental and emotional exercises, magical spell models and theory, all of which I would no doubt have to learn. I closed the book and placed it under my arm and after a cancelling the light on my wand walked out of the library.
If you haven't read the books or seen the films, here's some information: in Order of the Phoenix, there's a character introduced named Nymphadora Tonks (and yes, she thinks her name is as terrible as you do) who can change her appearance at will. For example, she can turn her own hair pink. Basically, the author of this fic saw a character in-story with a cool thing and decided to give it to his own terrible character.
And so Rose thinks she's a metamorphmagus because her hair spontaneously regrew like Harry's did. And she steals the book from the library.
I repeat: She steals a book from the restricted section of the school library. Uhh, hello?
Also, the part where Rose has to escape from Filch and Snape is axed, confined mainly to just her slipping past Filch as he walks into the library (because there was no screaming book, you'll recall).
And so she stumbles across the Mirror of Erised. And she quickly figures out the inscription is backwards and deduces that the mirror shows the viewer their heart's desire.
And, as in canon, she sees her family. And professor McGonagall.
And all the emotional stuff is copied verbatim from canon, but there's a slight problem. It's McGonagall. The entire point of this scene is that Harry has never known what it feels like to have a family. That's all he wants: a big, loving family.
However, Rose has been "adopted" by McGonagall, giving her a family, at least in the legal sense. It doesn't mean as much for her as it did for Harry.
So, as in canon, she tells Ron about it.
“And I want to see all your family, all the Weasley’s, you’ll be able to show me your other brothers and everyone,” I replied eagerly.
But we don't go with Ron to the mirror just yet. No, we go back to the fucking book Rose stole from the library. Because she's a budding sociopath. The book she stole has a test. She puts her hand on a hand outline in the book (which is apparently the size of an eleven-year-old's hand). And the book tells her:
The Spina, is truly rare, even among Metamorphs. They are not only able to affect cosmetic changes on their appearance, but also structural. They can change their musculature, as well as the length and size of their skeletal structures. It can be argued that Spina Metamorphs are not even Metamorphs at all but Shape-Shifters (a talent which is known to be extinct) but as Spina Metamorphs cannot change their genders the argument is pointless, as Shape-Shifters could change genders.
When you study this book, please take in mind that you should only do the exercises designed for your type of Metamorph and no other.
So she's not just a metamorphmagus, she's an extra special metamorphmagus. Oh, and let's take a look at this sentence again.
So she and Ron go to see the mirror, and as in canon, Ron sees what he wants: himself, standing alone, accomplished, and proud, no longer in the shadow of his brothers.
“Well, too bad this isn’t a Scrying mirror; it would be a nice future to have,” I said with a sigh, wishing that it was true for me as well. “What else do you see?”
“I’m wearing the badge like Bill used to, and I’m holding the House Cup and the Quidditch Cup, and I’m Quidditch captain too!” Ron tore his eyes away from this splendid sight to look excitedly at me.
“Well, you have a long way to go on either fronts Ron,” I said thoughtfully, “Wood will be the first to leave in our third year, you can try for his Keeper spot then; you don’t have the build for any other position, or perhaps I can convince Wood next year to recruit a team of reserves, if one of us gets injured or something.”
“And you don’t become Head Boy by being an academic slouch either, so you have to change your habit there as well.” Ron’s ears became pink, but as I was telling the truth he didn’t yell at me for it.
Oh, and then the scene where Ron tells Rose he thinks she's getting obsessed with the mirror and that she shouldn't go back is copied word for word from canon. Despite the "can't let emotions rule me" bullshit.
And so comes the last scene in the chapter. The one where Dumbledore reveals himself and talks about the mirror. And of course, the author ruins it.
Basically, in canon, this was the first time we saw Dumbledore personally interacting with someone, as opposed to being just the eccentric authority figure at the table. In the book, he explains the mirror to Harry, and he dominates the scene. He more or less dominates every scene he's in, and this is very much intentional. In this fic, however...
“Mirror of Desire, rather,” I stated.
“You’ve realised what it does?” asked the Headmaster with a raised eyebrow.
“I show not your face but your hearts desire,” I stated in reply pointing to the inscription over the top of the mirror.
“Yes, indeed,” said Dumbledore with a pleased smile, “the happiest man on earth would be able to use the Mirror of Erised, like a normal mirror.”
“He would see himself as exactly as he is,” I murmured in realization.
“Yes, I must say though how I am impressed; your teacher’s reports on you are all very complimentary, you show remarkable talent and a bright mind,” said Dumbledore, I could only duck my head and flush at the compliment.
“Thank you, Sir.”
And so with the explanation of what the mirror is, which is pretty much pointless when she already figured it out, we have the part where Rose asks Dumbledore a question. Harry asked Dumbledore what he saw in the mirror, to which Dumbledore responds that he sees himself holding a pair of socks. Rose, however, turns the attention back to herself.
“I must confess, that I was perhaps not thinking through my plan to place you there, all that clearly. On that night, the whole wizarding world was basking in the celebration of Voldemort’s defeat. I was perhaps the only one who fully understood the danger you were in after your survival. Voldemort’s followers were desperate, angry, and still at large, and many of them are as terrible as he is. My priority was to keep you alive. And I had to make my decision with regards to the years ahead. Voldemort is not gone forever. I didn’t know whether it would be ten, twenty or fifty years before he returns, but I am sure he will do so.”
“Therefore I placed an ancient spell of protection over you and your Aunt, using your mother’s sacrifice as a binding. You needed to remain in the presence of your mother’s blood for it to be effective…your Aunt…”
“I knew I was condemning you to ten dark years under their care, I also wanted to isolate you from your fame, I wanted you to grow up as a normal girl, but I didn’t imagine that their treatment of you would be so heinous,” the Headmaster’s eyes darkened in self-recrimination and anger. “Imagine my horror, when I received the investigation report from the Family Council, they had employed numerous magical means of finding out about your ten years there, Rosey. They searched the Dursley’s memories of their treatment of you, and found the cupboard to have your latent magical signature there in only a concentration that could be described as it was where you slept.”
The Headmaster sighed again and bowed his head as I processed what he was saying.
“I can only ask for your forgiveness.”
I walked over and grabbed his old gnarled hand and held it. I knew I could not be angry anymore, my heart would not allow it, and it humbled me that a great wizard such as Dumbledore could still admit his mistakes, even to a slip of an eleven year old girl.
“If you would have tried even further to put me back there, Professor, I would have been unable to grant you that,” I said softly, “but I am not going back there. I have Minnie, who loves me and I love her, it’s because of that I’m able to forgive you, Headmaster.”
Ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa I hate this character.
Comments
- When Harry finally left the table, he was laden down with a stack of things out of the crackers, including a pack of non-explodable, luminous balloons, a Grow-Your-Own-Warts kit, and his own new wizard chess set. The white mice had disappeared and Harry had a nasty feeling they were going to end up as Mrs. Norris’s Christmas dinner.Harry and the Weasleys spent a happy afternoon having a furious snowball fight on the grounds. Then, cold, wet, and gasping for breath, they returned to the fire in the Gryffindor common room, where Harry broke in his new chess set by losing spectacularly to Ron. He suspected he wouldn’t have lost so badly if Percy hadn’t tried to help him so much.After a meal of turkey sandwiches, crumpets, trifle, and Christmas cake, everyone felt too full and sleepy to do much before bed except sit and watch Percy chase Fred and George all over Gryffindor tower because they’d stolen his prefect badge. It had been Harry’s best Christmas day ever. Yet something had been nagging at the back of his mind all day. Not until he climbed into bed was he free to think about it: the invisibility cloak and whoever had sent it.