Well, The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine finally finished its hiatus, which means I can get back to that. Unfortunately, first I have to read the plot arc from before its hiatus, which I really wasn't looking forward to reading.
Okay, so let's recap a few things - at a first glance, the story is about an alternate universe where Twilight Sparkle is a dude and the other mane 5 have the hots for him. Though upon reading further, it reveals itself to be a repository for anything wacky the author thought would be funny. Not all of it is funny. To the point: Slenderman. Initially referenced in one chapter before being revealed to be Scootaloo's dad. And... now this.
Okay, so we know that the chapters basically follow the episodes, with the exception of "Winter Wrap-Up" and "Fall Weather Friends," which the author has cut for purposes of continuity. So now they're on "Call of the Cutie."
But you see... this doesn't make sense. "Call of the Cutie" had very little of Twilight Sparkle in it. It was primarily focused on Apple Bloom, and the main point of that episode was to introduce her and the Cutie Mark Crusaders. But the thing is this story introduced the Cutie Mark Crusaders back in the "Bridal Gossip" episode. These chapters are redundant!
But wait! There's a twist! This isn't from Apple Bloom's perspective, it's from Scootaloo's!
At home... with her slenderpony parents. Because, y'know, it was so funny the first time.
So, Scootaloo is bummed out that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are teasing her, and her father suggests that she stalk Diamond Tiara until she goes insane, and then recounts what he did to that one pony from "Read It and Weep" that was barking like a dog. And... this long recounting of...
Fuck, I can't take it. It's too long. This little arc goes on for nineteen thousand words, and there's no Dusk Shine in it at all in the first chapter. Many of the comments pointed this out.
I'm not here for this meme bullshit, I'm here to watch Dusk Shine getting sexually harassed by every female character on the show!
Oh, good, he actually does show up in part 3. Okay, moving on.
This chapter is basically three narratives interspersed - Scootaloo having dinner with her family, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon being the obnoxious brats we know them to be (complete with singing an obnoxious song, which the author so kindly links us to), and the thing about Slender stalking the dog pony.
Oh, and you know that "gimme twenty dollars" meme that spawned from Marble Hornets? It's in here, too.
So Diamond Tiara gets her cutie mark for putting on a crown and being a bitch, Scootaloo is upset, and Slendermane gets mad because a pony discriminates against him. So he responds by slowly driving her insane. Did I mention that all of Slendermane and Slendermare's dialogue is in a large red font with alternating caps?
And we follow Screw Loose as she... basically goes through the Marble Hornets shtick. She gets a camera and starts recording everything while growing more and more unhinged. Hm. Maybe I should start watching that series again.
Anyway, first chapter ends with Scootaloo deciding she's gonna stalk Diamond Tiara.
Second chapter also has a complete absence of our main character. Scootaloo heads over to Diamond Tiara's house in the dead of night while she's asleep.
She also realizes the whole "make the person aware they're being stalked to freak them out" thing doesn't work if the other person is asleep and thus unaware of said stalking.
And then Iron Will shows up and...
oh no. No no no. He's... he's advertising items from Fallout: Equestria... No, no no. I'm taking this month off from that thing. It also happened when Pinkie Pie mentioned Littlepip - Why the fuck is there Fallout: Equestria stuff in this story? I won't even begin to go into how Crusader Mainframes existing at this point doesn't make any sense.
Does this mean that Trixie gets Dusk Shine in the end? No, bad thought.
So she goes and steals a spying kit and sneaks into Diamond Tiara's room, and shouts "So, how's your sex life?" We are now inserting random lines from "The Room."
I'd say something about how just referencing something isn't funny, but that seems like a lost cause at this point.
And then Diamond Tiara spots her and we cut to the playground where she's recounting this to the other Cutie Mark Crusaders.
I also notice that Dinky's speech impediment is a bit inconsistent. It seems like Elmuh Fudd Syndwome, but then she says stuff with r's in it just fine. Also, "crweam"?
So Diamond Tiara announces her cuteceanera, and how everyone is expected to bring a date. Also, Pipsqueak uses the word "wanker." Because British.
Anyway, Pipsqueak is assigned to be Diamond Tiara's date, there's talk about how you can date someone without actually liking them (Sweetie Belle mentions Rarity calls it "being an escort"). So they all agree to be each others' dates. Diamond Tiara, as it turns out, has a massive crush on Pipsqueak because he's Justin Bieber.
No, I'm not joking. If I were joking, this would probably be a lot funnier than it actually is. Anyway, Pipsqueak is freaked out because Diamond Tiara suggests that maybe he could get a cutie mark that signifies them being together. This freaks Pipsqueak out, so he's determined to get his mark before the party so that it can be something other than that.
And Silver Spoon has a crush on Snails and but apparently won't actually publicly date him because of social stuff...
This is just going all over the place, man. The perspective keeps changing, and I think I've actually forgotten what this story is actually supposed to be about.
Also, this chapter is seven thousand words long. Apparently a large chunk of that is "Buy some apples!" over and over and over again. I timed how long it took for the screen to scroll past it with my finger just on the down arrow: a full ten seconds.
Derpy shows up and buys some apples, and then the Doctor shows up. Yes, as in time-traveling. Yes, there is a lame gag. And the chapter ends with a linking to David Tennant's "Wot?" from the Titanic episode (space Titanic, that is. Not regular actual Titanic).
So the third and final chapter of the arc starts with this
Everybody clear on that? Good, because someone still needs to explain all of this to Dinky, and it ain’t gonna be me.
Well, it's nice because it saves me the trouble of parsing it. Not that it's a difficult concept to parse, but I just couldn't be bothered because I'm lazy. I actually should be studying for an exam I have next Wednesday, honestly.
Now it's cutting to Twist and Ruby playing. Also, this story goes with "Bon Bon is a VA" fanon. They make caramel apples.
If it looks like I'm just giving out random details, it's because that's what the story's doing, more or less. Remember when this story was about shipping/sexual harassment?
So the CMC are gonna try to meet with Rainbow Dash for help with their cutie marks. And Featherweight has webslinging powers. They're gonna make a trampoline to get up there with the webbing...
Is it possible for something to be so ridiculously zany it just becomes draining to read?
Then we cut to a scene of Snails and Silver Spoon and UGGGGH I JUST DON'T CARE!
Why why why why why are we jumping around to all this random crap?
Featherweight is grounded for the trampoline thing. His mother's really uptight and stuff, I forget if I mentioned that in an earlier update.
And then Pinkie Pie shows up for some reason. No, I'm actually not paying attention anymore. Stuff about eating cupcakes as a cutie mark... finally, please just let us get to the end of this...
Oh, Dusk Shine shows up. Apparently he's in this fic too. We get a repeat of the "magic a cutie mark" thing, but with Pipsqueak instead of Apple Bloom, blah blah blah blah oh fuck you stop making Fallout: Equestria references!
And then a South Park joke. Made with a somewhat poorly-made memegenerated thing that's clearly intended for unfunny Advice Dog knockoffs. Joke itself is okay, though.
And then a flashback with a Rebecca Black joke.
Whatever. Vinyl gives Pipsqueak a pep-talk, and Silver Spoon's mother gives her a pep-talk. And Silver Spoon's mother is Pinkie Pie's sister.
And it ends with a correspondence between Dusk, Celestia, and Spike, in which Celestia discovers that Luna has been slipping into his dreams and having dream-sex with him. Ah, good, I was wondering when the story's central premise would come back.
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