Welcome back.
Previously, we met possibly the best character out of this entire mess: Edfred. Naruto was revealed to be alive. Ronan became the new Shinobi King via some bullshit "origin story". And I kept hoping for the main characters' deaths. Horrible, horrible deaths.
Let's move on with...
Chapter 21: The New King. Dear God, Save Us from the King!
We get another damn battle, and another mention of the prophecy. You know, it's good and all that they're repeating it—wait, no, it isn't! Anyway, you'd think that they would build up the prophecy. But like me wishing that these pricks would die, I'm asking for too much. Regardless, the villains fly away.
Welp, that was pointless.
The next morning, some photographers show up. And Ronan engages in Wooden Duck #45 that ends with a ruined camera and one of the photographers falling to her death. OUR HERO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
Then Sakura (I presume—after all, we don't know who's really speaking to Ronan after that death) and Ronan head to Wooden Duck #46. Oddly enough, during it, Ronan is accidentally called "Jake". And yes, this is common in shitfics for the main character to be called by the author's name.
After that, Ronan realizes that he has to make a speech. So he does. For the record, the rules are suddenly revised in a...well, I can't really praise him for an Author's Saving Throw. Why? Look.
- Instead of people getting sentenced to death for liking modern music "in less they r hot chicks", it's downgraded (upgraded?) to life in prison. Still rather disproportionate, but then again, this is Ronan.
- Anyone who's a member of a really popular modern band will be sentenced to death instead. Whoo-hoo.
- Male homosexuality is now allowed, but only in their homes.
- Churches will be destroyed.
Yeah, now you see why I can't really praise all that? It doesn't make him tolerant. Not at all.
Ronan and Sakura head to a car dealership, where they meet Edfred again. Rightfully so, Edfred reacts to their appearance with this.
- Edfred: "NO! NOT YOU TWO RUFFIANS AGAIN! I AM ALREADY IN REPLETE OF YOUR SHENANIGANS! DECAMP YOURSELVES FROM MY STORE YOU FOUL TROGLODYTES!"
Unfortunately, Ronan does not take "no" for an answer, and they end up getting a car. At least, aside from the rudeness, they're slightly more pleasant about it.
Slightly.
Back at the dojo, Naruto is angry that Ronan got the expensive cars. And he whines about how Ronan's so much better than him. Naruto, Ronan can't back his shit up! Punch him in the face! Give him and Sakura an epic "The Reason You Suck" speech! DO SOMETHING!
Oh, wait, Naruto does punch Ronan. That...makes me slightly better, I suppose. The chapter ends with Naruto running away and Ronan and Sakura, instead of, oh, I don't know, trying to comfort their friend, going to bed. Have I mentioned that Ronan and Sakura are assholes?
Chapter 22: Naruto's Sadness. If I Were in a Shitfic, I'd Probably be Sad, Too.
Once again, the chapter proper starts with Ronan making a speech, with more revised rules. And the announcement that the church-bulldozing would start in a specific time, despite the fact that we clearly saw the bulldozers destroying churches in the last chapter.
- Anyone who's in a modern band will be sentenced to life in prison, along with their fans. This is still Disproportionate Retribution.
- People can now pray in their homes.
...bleh. And then, after that, Naruto shows up. Or a clone of Ronan. This story isn't specifically clear, so I'll go with the former. He and Ronan argue and punches the son of a bitch again. And Naruto runs away again.
Naturally, once again, Sakura and Ronan don't do much to help. They believe that Naruto's just jealous. Honestly, I'd skip town. So Sakura finally decides to talk to Naruto.
Which she does. And what she says? No help at all. For once Naruto says that he hates Ronan and rightfully says that he's horrible (finally, another sane soul...too bad that the author's destroying him), she yells at him to take that back. And says this as well.
- Sakura: "HE IS BETTER THAN U AND ALWAYS WILL BE DONT U UNDERSTAND HIS BUICK IS HUGE!"
Pfft...excuse me.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
(laughs for a good five minutes)
(later...)
Okay. Ha-ha! Now I'm better. Yes, Sakura's a bitch, but damn. This is why I censored a certain word with "Buick", by the way. Thanks, Sakura!
So Sakura and Naruto, after more arguments, engage in Wooden Duck #47. But it's cut short when Ronan shows up and yells at the duo. Naruto runs away again as Sakura calls for him. Or Menudo.
In any event, Sakura wants to prove her love to Ronan. By, well...doing something akin to She in Antichrist. And Wooden Duck #48 happens. Which...has healing properties. Then they do Wooden Duck #49, which is different.
...gah.
Then Sakura suddenly remembers that Naruto's about to kill himself. Yeah...from now on, I'm just going to call her "Sakubitch". Because she clearly does not give a damn about her friends. After an argument, she and Ronan head to Naruto, who's about to jump off a cliff.
Ultimately, to make a long and very dumb story short, Naruto never budges. Yeah, if I had friends who don't really care about me, I'd feel sorrowful, too. In the worst of times. And he makes a speech.
- Naruto: "THIS WORLD IS WRONG AND FUCKED UP AND U GUYS DONT LIKE ME AND UR SO MUCH BETTER RONAN I CANT TAKED AND MY DOCK IS REALLY SMALL SO GOOFUCKINGDBYE!"
The really sad thing? I actually agree with him. About how the world's so fucked up ever since Ronan showed up. Had he not did what he, well, had to do on his terms, he would have been my second favorite character out of the entire mess, planning to either A) leave Ronan and Sakubitch and go with his real friends or B) destroy Ronan and Sakubitch.
That being said, why did he not leave for his other friends? I'm sure that Sasuke and Kakashi would be worried about him! Also, "my dock is really small"? What, does he have a teeny, tiny sailboat or some shit?
Regardless, Naruto commits suicide. And we get this.
- "MOOOOOO" sakura yelled.
(snorts)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! (leaves to laugh for a good ten minutes)
(...later...)
Okay, whoo! That was the funniest "Big "NO!"" I've ever seen. Or, in this case, read. (coughs a little) I was in tears, I was laughing so hard! Protip: if you want to make your Big "NO!" dramatic, for the love of God, don't misspell it!
The chapter ends with Ronan and Sakubitch mourning for...a minute. Then they leave. Yeah, guys? Go die in a fire. I'm sorry, but...these two, I have no sympathy for.
Well, that's it for this installment! Tune in next time for even more pointless filler!
Now, Forward! To the next liveblogging of Naruto Veangance Revelaitons!
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