Chuck Austen Meets Chick Tracts: The Fanfic--Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods
Part 5: The Most Anticlimatic Battle Ever
I don't think I need to say anything about what happened last time, do I? Okay, there was literally one thing
that was kind of important, that of Mary becoming a teen mom. Otherwise, it's the same shit but more. More of the writer and Jerry becoming an asshole, more tracts, and more misogynist attitudes. Oh, and more plotholes.
And, you guessed it, it's only going to get worse from here. Much, much worse.
So let's dive in once again with...
The Author's Notes for this chapter has the writer going batshit because someone dared
to hack his account. Because of that, he (or she) will burn in Hell. Dude, you did it to yourself. In fact, that's not all, for here's the full Author's Notes for this one.
Thomas Brown/Believer In Christ: "You hacker will bun in hell for eternal life for you have sinned against God. And to claim that it was all a lie is also a sin. You will be punished for surely, for I am for real! I am a prophet of the lord, and I will get my own way! You are not who you say you are, and however dare you call yourself a real believer in Christ! A hacker is only been sent by Stan as a lie to make me look like a fool, but I same not a fool, but it is you that is a fool for hacking my account in the first place. You a will be surveying in the flames of the eternal claims of hell! You dare take me on when I have Dog on my seed! I am a protest of the lord and his give my power above all you you. Donut dare take me on again, for hacking is a sin, and will be punished as such."
First off, "for real"? Who says that anymore? Secondly, this is pretty much the first time
he spelt "prophet" right. Yes, I noticed the misspelling of it, but I decided not to mock it, for it would be too easy. Third, hackers are not sent by Satan—I mean "Stan" as lies. Yes, they do malicious things, but...seriously? And hacking is not a sin
. It isn't even one of the Ten Commandments!
...though wouldn't it be hilarious if "thou shalt not hack" is one of the Ten Interwebz Commandments?
Fourth, "dog on my seed"? Um...wow? And that's not all, he misspelt "prophet" once again. It isn't even worth pointing out all the misspellings, as they get worse within each chapter, as we have seen.
Anyway, no matter how you slice it, the chapter begins with Jerry telling the followers that he's a fool for believing in false gods. Then as soon as he reaches a church, Michael tells the guy that (gasp!) Percy impregnated Mary!
...wait...what?! How did Percy impregnate Mary since we all know that it was Jerry who did it? How...gah!
Once again, this fic and reality don't often meet.
So since...(sigh)...Mary was the traitor by somehow having sex with Percy and got pregnant, Jerry decides that the best way to solve this issue is by killing her
. By taking her to the highest tower, throwing her off; and if that doesn't work, stone her; and if that
doesn't work, behead her
! Dude...why do this to your own wife? Hell, do you even know for certain that the kid is Percy's?
But guess what, it is done. Michael does what Jerry wants him to do. Kill Mary and the baby
. Ladies and gentlemen? Our hero, Father of the Year, and Husband of the Millennium.
Oh, and once more, we get continuity issues. Because the narrator states that he killed Grover in the first chapter by cutting off his head. In actuality? Locusts ate him. And...somehow survived. It was Annabeth that had her head sliced off (and presumably Clarisse, but then again, he might have chopped off her hair instead).
Once Mary is dead and the other Prayer Warriors say prayers, Percy arrives, pissed. Why? Because...gah
...Jerry killed what Percy thought to be his wife. Dude, you weren't married to her! Likely, it was added only because the writer wanted drama
Jerry shouts back that, indeed, Mary isn't his wife, and that he must destroy him if he doesn't submit to God. How? By slicing off his head just like he did to Mary.
need to find better ways to kill, if they still want to continue killing.
And so the fight begins, with both combatants fighting on top of the church's roof. However, remarkably, Percy is kicking Jerry's ass.
Continuity issues of Mary aside...I'm honestly rooting for Percy to win. Because in the end, Jerry is Not So Different
—or even worse than the supposed "villains" of the story, whose only crimes are simply spouting off how God is evil and Satanism rocks. Do we even see them
killing? Of course not.
But...cue Jerry doing his Deus ex Machina bullshit by praying to God for mercy on both himself and Percy. As soon as it happens, Percy stops fighting and declares two things. First, he will no longer worship false gods. Secondly...he will convert to Christianity.
...GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! THIS IS THE WORST FANFIC I'VE EVER READ IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Please...tell me that it is over. It's just the—(sees that there are eleven more chapters left to go) Oh, fuck you, fanfic!
The story ends with Percy being baptized as Percy of Christ, and everyone prays. Including Mary, who survived her own death. And the bastard fucker of a husband forgave her!
This fic can go to the fiery depths of Hell, where it belongs.
With the fight over, they can now plot the fight against Stan and the Greek Gods. And if you're expecting a God of War
-styled melee...well, let's just say that it never happens.
Finally, the writer states that, of course, people can be saved. With that, Percy can earn a place in Heaven.
...let's just move onto the next chapter.
The Author's Notes has the author raging yet again. "Great story"? "Been corrupted by the powers of
evol"? We shouldn't let gays, women in power, and people who are crippled in the minds? I'm really believing that you're sick, Thomas Brown, and seeking help is something you should have done.
This chapter shifts the focus from asshole Jerry to asshole-in-training Percy. He goes first to the stables and prays for his soul. He goes further to explain that he wanted to commit suicide, but if he does so, he'll go to Hell. Why? Suicide is a sin.
For all those who thought about suicide or knows a person who committed suicide, all I can say is that I'm so, so sorry for reviewing this piece of shit.
He went to Jerry for advice, and it's the same: follow the ways of Jesus Christ, not the
geek gods. So I guess Wil Wheaton, any well-loved internet reviewer, and legendary geeks are false gods, too?
Percy's mission, should he wish to accept it, is to convert the remaining survivors. And so he starts with Rachel, his off-and-on girlfriend (according to the story), and asks her to help him bring Christendom. She immediately
says yes, also adding to baptize her and her family.
...damn you, Insta-Convert.
Percy realizes that he'll be a good Prayer Warrior, and that Jerry would be proud of him. The chapter ends with him making a speech about how God's giving everyone a warning: follow Jesus or be punished to Hell. Why? Well...worshipping false gods and doing sex acts are bad, m'kay?
There are still ten chapters left, folks.
And the author's end notes have him yelling at us to stop reviewing the story, because we bring disgusting comments. And once again, we have to convert, lest if we suffer.
Well, the good news is that we're halfway done with the bullshit. But the questions remain. Will the Prayer Warriors defeat the Satanic and evil "Geek gods"? I mean Greek gods? What will Mary decide to do with the baby, if it survived? And how much more of the Author Tracts can I take?
Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods!