Han is busy terrorizing new pilots about that scary Planet Destroyer whatever Star thing they are preparing to fight. Leia announces that she is surrounded by complete morons, but there’s Good news, everyone! [/Farnsworth] She can sense Luke is definitely on the dark side now and the Galaxy is doomed. So yeah.
Meanwhile, some guy with a ridiculously evil and Campy British accent, the captain of the Destroyer Allegiance, muses about the ‘contemptible rebel alliance’. They can hardly realize the destructive powers at our command, they very campily exclaim!
Computerized-Tie fighters can’t be shaken for anything. Apparently people die this way, if the screaming is of any indication. The rebels are getting butcherized. Some rebel with a hilarious country accent goes “I think we’re in trouble.”
Meanwhile, Leia is being annoyed with C3po, who now has taken to constantly accusing her of being pregnant. It seems that also Vader (who yes, is supposed to be dead) is ghostily bugging her. And as it turns out, it’s actually randomly Luke who is taking his Vader cosplay obsession a little too far today.
Luke: Yeah, my mind is EXPLODING.
Leia: In that case, will you STOP psychically contacting me you pri-
Sidious: Guess what?! Your brother is now under my command! Yay!
Leia: -Makes the ‘I just saw Excalibur’ face- '''
C3po: You short circuited !!1122f oh my WORD.qepfiv
As Leia recovers from the mind rape, Mon Mothma gives her and Han a heart-warming, motivating speech to get out there and save Luke.
Mon Mothma: The success of this mission is paramount. More important than Han’s life, my life and yes, even the lives of Jeica and Jacen solo. Luke is simply the most important person in the Galaxy because he is the last Jedi.
Leia: You’re right, and it’s not as though he has a twin or anything with the exact same powers. ^-^ you bitch.
And so they head out looking for Luke. Mon Mothma wishes them good luck and to bring her main squeeze, Luke Skywalker back safely. Han and Chewie go get some lunch, and they explain that there is a planet “Hutta”, creatively named this because it’s Jabba the Hutt’s homeworld. So it’s a hive of scum and villainy, bounty hunters, etc. Leia is a little concerned because she killed Jabba the Hutt and all, and on cue, there are several bounty hunters chasing them.
They end up having to land, at one of Han’s friend’s places. Apparently his smuggling friend says that they are trying to transport parts and build big-Mc-huge ships. Han offers a ridiculously high amount of alliance cash to them for said ships. Leia is annoyed at the fact that they are broke now.
Leia marvels the highly garbage, gross city that Han Solo use to live. He used to live on the hutt home planet? That kind of explains a lot. Some Jedi that talks exactly Dalek Ka’an suddenly starts ranting at Leia.
Crazy Jedi: I just narrowly escaped the purge and the fire!! I saw through space and infinite time!! I betrayed and killed them all! Leia: Umm.
After saying this, she hands Leia a ??? Item. Yeah, I wouldn’t accept that so readily, but hey free stuff.
Anyway, they walk into a random house, and it so happens to belong to Boba Fett. And YES, he sounds exactly like Davros now. He says he was a shell of his former self after that Sar’lacc thing. Well, time to run while dodging laser fire like they always do. Going to the hutt homeworld randomly was not the smartest thing they ever did.
They run back to Han’s friend’s place and go back on one of the ships. Of course, the shipbuilder’s remark in a conversation as they fly off, about how terribly built those ships were and how they couldn’t find any good parts.
Leia opens the ??? Item the crazy old lady gives her while on the ship. Cue the Zelda music. Leia opens it up and receives the item +5/5 Light saber, equitable with Force skill up and +1 Jedi robe. Leia brags about its long history for some reason, despite the fact that it was given to her by a nut on the street.
Leia then gets panics that Luke is now commanding all the imperial forces, like their father was and is going to send hundreds upon thousands of ships against the Alliance.- FOR THE LULZ.
DUN DUN DUN- Cliff hanger!
