Like last chapter, this chapter exists to introduce a new character and showcase how ridiculous this world is. Unlike the last chapter, it is fairly short.* This means that Tyra Banks had to work hard in order to get all the necessary stupid in this chapter. Did she succeed? You be the judge.
The Scout takes Dylan and Tookie to a new location, where they emerge from some thick, white goo.
Of course not, Dylan. It would be stupid for a candle to be big enough for three people to pass through.
ಠ_ಠ
The idea of candles as chimney substitutes is stupid on many levels.
- The purpose of a chimney is to vent the fireplace, which allows you to heat your home with the accompanying fire. A candle would be hottest at the top, which is far enough away from the house, you wouldn't be getting much heat. Except for the hot wax dripping constantly onto the house and anyone unfortunate enough to walk by.
- There is a reason people tell you not to put candles anywhere near flammable objects. Candles are very good at starting fires. Once the candle burns low enough to actually touch the house, they're going to have a disaster that makes the Great Chicago Fire look tame in comparison.
- The candles relit when blown out. This means they are likely based on the same principle as trick candles. You put trick candles out with water. Good luck getting enough water to the candle before it burns your house down.
- There is no good way to performance maintenance on a constantly-burning candle taller than a house. If something goes wrong, the whole place is going up in flames.
It's like this book is trying to out-stupid itself.
Tookie identifies the death trap as "Canne Del Abra", which is:
I love how each city has preciously one big industry. Since their entire economy seems to revolve around a single product, it's a nice example of Crippling Overspecialization. If their supply of wax or wicks suddenly got interrupted or sales suddenly went down, the entire city's economy would collapse. And we've yet to see a single city that produces FOOD. (Maybe we'll get a "hick farm girl" stereotype later.)
Dylan becomes excited because she loves the smell of Canne Del Abra candles, which are in aisles 385-401. Because she lives in a giant mall, so she'd naturally relate everything to malls. She especially loves the fudge-scented candles. Tookie grimaces at this, since she doesn't like chocolate.
I wouldn't be surprised if Dylan is the narrator in disguise. She's certainly annoying enough. And both the chapters with Dylan in them haven't had a narrator . . . Hm.
They pass near a teenage girl who is talking to her father. The girl is speaking Labrian (the language of Canne Del Bad Pun), and Tookie understands her perfectly.
Congratulations, Ms. Banks. You know how to use the "insert symbol" feature on Word.
Translation: "Daddy, I'm so nervous. The Day of Discovery walk-off is about to start and my dress has still not arrived."
You know, normally it takes more than a handful of words to show that you didn't think a made-up language through. It's impressive to show it off in a single sentence. I have a few questions.
Where are the consonants? How on earth do so few words translate into those two sentences? (Especially since two words repeat, leaving only 6 words in the original sentence.)
Why is it that there are 0 consonants in that sentence, but every other word we see in that language has consonants?
Why does every vowel but one have a diacritic mark? Are they pronounced differently? How are you supposed to pronounce that?
Why bother including this at all? It would have been easier to say "the girl said in Labrian" and never include a single word of the language. Labrian adds no content, and only serves to showcase that Tyra Banks did zero research.
Anyway, back to the story.
The teenage girl's dress is delivered by someone who gets a paragraph worth of description devoted to her appearance and clothing. I wonder if she's important.
Blah, blah, blah, she's dressed like a gladiator with sandals, shorts and a loose beige top. (I guess gladiators in Modelland adhered to a different dress code than in real life.)
The girl sings in Labrian, for no adequately explained reason.
Amazing how she spoke in one language and managed to rhyme in another. That takes skill.
The singing telegram girl delivery girl is named Shiraz, and is paid a coin for her trouble. She goes to deliver more mail, but the Scout materializes in front of her.
Turns out that Modelland sent a Scout who can't understand the language of the girl they are choosing. Nice foresight, there.
Is Shiraz 4'7" because she's naturally short, or is she really young? The text isn't clear.
We now have confirmation that everyone up to this point has been speaking English. I can't think of a reason for English to be the only real language in this book while the rest are made-up, aside from world building fail.
Shiraz is put in the pouch with Tookie and Dylan. Her first reaction is to insult them.
"But you two, you are not the beauty exceptional like Shiraz."
Dylan gets angry at this.
Neither were you, Dylan. Hypocrite.
So is blowing in someone's face the Labrian equivalent of the flipping them off? Dylan starts to respond, but Tookie interrupts. She manages to stop the fight by insulting everyone's appearances.
Nice. Somehow, repeating this to Shiraz in Labrian is enough to get Shiraz to smile and be amazed by Tookie. Because we all know that insulting someone in their native language is an excellent way to make friends.
Shiraz and Dylan end up agreeing with Tookie that they don't look like typical Modelland recruits, but Shiraz asserts that they must have been chosen for some reason. Shiraz and Dylan asks Tookie why she thinks they were chosen, but she doesn't know.
End chapter.
Blatant Mistakes
- Candles taking the place of chimneys without creating an inferno.
- Conlang fail for the Labrian language.
WMG
Dylan is the narrator. Two reasons:- Dylan and the narrator both have an annoying "accent". (dahling and cuh-ray-zee)
- The narrator has not appeared in either of the chapters Dylan's been in.
Comments
yielded some... interesting results. Given this new girl's Ahnold accent, I'm thinking German is the most accurate language to use.
