So You Wanna Do a Cinematech: Nocturnal Emissions Liveblog

Beary Scary

One Bad Mother Clucker

Episode 41 is one of the best episodes ever, full of unique, if not insane, games. Buckle up!

Timecode: 0:09: How can I describe this? To start, the episode gives you a brief preview of the games featured, by putting an orb effect on top of footage of a busty model from one of those Japanese model FMV games. That week's episode of Cinematech did the same thing, but without the boobs.

1:44: Ah, yes. Resident Evil: Deadly Silence, the Nintendo DS remake of Resident Evil on the PlayStation. Turns out that the game was compatible with the DS' stylus for one dirty little Easter Egg. You can use the stylus to sexually harass the main characters. They poked Jill Valentine's chest, and she threw her hands over it and went, “Ah!”

1:52: A montage of games featuring the Mona Lisa, in one form or another. First, there was the game based on The Da Vinci Code, then Mort the Chicken (which turned her into a hen), then Panic. The last one lands squarely in the Nightmare Fuel zone for making the Mona Lisa turn into a gorgon that petrifies the main character.

2:15: The trailer for Metal Combat, an insane, possibly cheaply-made PC fighting game by a company called Solar. The place: Muldune's Salvage. The time: 1969. Let's allow the narrator, straight out of a blaxploitation flick, to do the explaining around here:

Scrappy Muldune sooold out. Now, his once-peaceful salvage yard is filled with nasty, hazardous toxic waste. And all that waste mixed with the rust, junk, and oil... The oil came alive. Sludge oil came alive.
Big, greasy sludge oil was pissed off. So he threw Scrappy into the melter furnace. Aww, but Scrappy didn't die... His bones turned to chrome, and the yard came alive.
Everything in Scrappy's salvage yard came alive... Millions of chromotone clones... Huge junk bosses, nasty worlds... And now, you must fight! Are you tough enough to become the heavy metal dominator? You're gonna have to battle, burn, and blast your way through. If you got what it takes... you can be the heavy metal dominator. Metal Combat...The biggest, baddest, take-your-gas and kick-your-ass junkyard there ever was: Muldune's Salvage. Aww, this is Metal Combat.

Now that is some Oscar-worthy shiz right there. It's like a rejected storyboard for an episode of Megas XLR, which would still be totally awesome. The trailer also shows some of the characters, like a fighter made entirely out of tires, and others made out of assorted scrapyard junk.

5:13: Pink Sweets, a PS2 shmup by Cave. The trailer is in Japanese, but has live-action footage of some of the characters, including a Caucasian guy with a mask that covers half of his face. Even in a trailer with no spoken dialog, he pulls of an Evil Laugh. For some reason, this dude reminds me of internet writer and mohawk surrogate Seanbaby.

6:14: “Darkness... which leads us to... Sadness,” quoth the trailer for a horror title that was planned for the Wii, but was ultimately canceled. Being that this is an early Wii trailer, no actual gameplay is shown, but a beautiful actress portrays not only the presumed main character, but also the actions that one would have to perform during the game. Actions such as driving a swarm of rats away with a torch, knocking objects out of the way during an escape sequence, killing enemies, and using an umbrella. I recall with some disappointment that the game was canceled, but the soundtrack was released online, IIRC.

11:12: A clip from Mort the Chicken, where a member of the evil Boolyon Cube empire announces, “ I bring you horrible news. Through the miracle of fuzzy video-

...which immediately transitions to Surgical Strike, an FMV game from SEGA. It's a rail shooter where you pilot a hovercraft. Otherwise uninteresting and indeed fuzzy, except for two things:

An amazing example of the Drill Sergeant Nasty trope, completely owned by his actor. This guy is your hardassed commander, who threatens you if you wreck another one of his hovercraft. “...I am gonna hit you so hard, you're gonna ring like a ten-penny finishing nail hit by a greasy ballpeen hammer. Do you read me?”

And an appearance by a dashing young Joe Flanigan, who later appeared on Stargate Atlantis. He played another hovercraft pilot that chides you as “a bonehead” during the Game Over sequence.

12:41: Okay, so, Double Switch. Another one of those FMV trapping games, like Night Trap. This one stars the dearly departed Corey Haim as Eddie, an apartment owner who built a specialized security system for his building because the neighborhood is that bad. But “some bonehead” locked him in the basement and disabled him from controlling the system. That's where you come in. You have access to the security monitors and the system, so Eddie asks you to protect the tenants from bad guys. If you screw up and trap the tenants, Eddie lets you have it: “We don't trap tenants! We need the money.”

15:37: One of the gameplay segments from Incredible Crisis (PS 1), where the patriarch of a family gets into a ferris wheel with an attractive woman... I seem to recall a magazine saying that the American version handwaved his philandering away as a “massage”, but either way, it's pretty blatantly... intimate. In order to win the minigame, you have to follow the woman's directional commands with the D-pad. When you win, fireworks go off above the ferris wheel, and she purrs, “Ooh... oh, yes! You are the best!”

16:32: A wonderful scene from Fear Effect (PS 1). Badass Action Girl Hana Tsu-Vachel takes a shower on a boat at the harbor, only to be assailed by zombies when she steps outside. I recall this part being a little annoying, because you could only use a knife to defend yourself until you found Hana's pistols.

Eventually, Hana is cornered by a male human soldier, and the only way to survive this part is to use Hana's towel, dropping it to the ground. This distracts the soldier long enough for Hana's partner, Deke, to come up from behind and kill him.
Deke: [waves] Hello, Hana dear.
Hana: [covering her chest... and only her chest] Not too long, Deke. I've killed men for much less.

Did I mention that this was a PS 1 game, with animation-style shaded graphics that have aged very gracefully, and came out at least a year before Grand Theft Auto III broke that series out of obscurity? Incredible.

17:06: Clips from Frankenstein: Through the Eyes of the Monster, an FMV game for the PC. It starred no less than Tim Curry as the doctor himself. You played as the monster he made, in first-person. What's memorable about this montage is that C: NE basically made a YouTube Poop out of it, chopping dialog apart and together to make the lines even creepier – and funnier – than they would be in their original context.
Doctor Frankenstein: “I'll have to inject you with-” “PROTEIN!” “...fluid...” “I-” “...made... a man...” “You?!” “-most likely-” “-let the cat out of the bag.” “Perhaps the cat's got your tongue.”
Frankenstein's niece: “You must be... wondering who I am.”
Doctor Frankenstein: [scoffs] “You?!”
Frankenstein's niece: “I was always more... well, more of a tom-”
Doctor Frankenstein: “Cat!”
Frankenstein's niece: “Uncle!”
Doctor Frankenstein: “Cat!”
Frankenstein's niece: “I had to do something.”
Doctor Frankenstein: I-” “-made a man...”
Frankenstein's niece: “Please!”
Doctor Frankenstein: “Perhaps a cocktail...”
Frankenstein's niece: “Mm...”
Doctor Frankenstein: “Perhaps a cock-”
Frankenstein's niece: “Please!”
Doctor Frankenstein: “Perhaps a-” “-sedative.”
Frankenstein's niece: “This wine is wonderful!”
Doctor Frankenstein: “Well, you look dazed.” “Don't fall asleep.” “Or I will have to inject you with-” “-innocent children-”
Frankenstein's niece: “Please!”
Doctor Frankenstein: “Innocent-” “-black-” “-children...”
Frankenstein's niece:: “It's happening! Down there.”
Doctor Frankenstein: “Nefarious business activities.” “Sticking your nose-” “Gently...” “Poking your nose in my-” “man-made-” “-side?” “I admire your curious nature.”
Frankenstein's niece: “You must be thirsty.”
Doctor Frankenstein: “Never, ever touch that again!”
Frankenstein's niece: “You were... hung...”
Doctor Frankenstein: “The flesh grew so... uncontrollably thick and twisted...”
Frankenstein's niece: “What is that hideous... thing?!”
Doctor Frankenstein: “Like pork butt.”
Frankenstein's niece: “It's so ugly-”
Doctor Frankenstein:What are you doing?
Frankenstein's niece: “There's something down there!”
Doctor Frankenstein: “Keep your hands off my notes!”
Frankenstein's niece: “Whatever's down there must be huge!”
Doctor Frankenstein: “Mister Meat.” “Is that-” “-protein!” “-I see in your eyes?”
'''Frankenstein's niece: “Make it go away, please!”
Doctor Frankenstein: “My greatest creation.”
Frankenstein's niece: “I need an explanation.”
Doctor Frankenstein: [Evil Laugh] “-goat.” “-children?”

Then, they show a clip of a little girl with a partially mutilated face:
”Daddy... you're alive... I love you...”

18:59: Another bizarre clip from Panic! that shows two “babies” with the heads of Japanese men superimposed atop their bodies. They both scream in tandem, “Mommy! Mommy! Please find our mommy!”

This episode took a dark turn.

20:15: More clips from RE: DS that shows what happens if you try to inappropriately touch Chris Redfield with the stylus. Try to touch his groin, and he points his gun at the screen. Try to touch his butt, and he goes “Huh?!” and scratches his behind.


Mort the Chicken... Such a weird game, and the platforming wasn't even that good.

Sadness looked to be quite interesting from that trailer. Also never even heard of Metal Combat, but it looks just plain silly.
nomuru2d 10th May 12
I had a demo of Mort the Chicken, and the gameplay was forgettable. But the cutscenes and voice acting are so weird, strangely cynical in a way, from what I saw on the show.

I never heard of Metal Combat before this episode, either. The top comment for the You Tube video for its trailer is from some poor soul that worked on the game. He ripped into the game's producer, claiming that the game took 10 years to be made due to his incompetence. Another comment says that it got a 15% from PC Gamer. Yowza.
BearyScary 11th May 12