Can you believe that we're two-thirds of the way done? Though...here, it's a compressed two-parter. That's right, I'm doing both parts side-by-side!
We started with the bullshit, now we're ending the party! We're shutting it down!!
...
Let's continue.
Previously, on Four Lines, All Waiting: The Movie Kickboxing Academy, the academies are training for the big tournament. Brian got injured, and Pierre (who, by the way, we have never seen before) takes his place.
And the salesguy got his skateboard, and the date with June ended, but those are irrelevant.
So we'll dive into...
...and it looks like the scene with the elevator is still going. Make it stop—oh, wait, it did. As the salesguy leaves, he says that he has got to lay off the nachos.
Ugh. Why are we still following him?!
So as he goes to his boss, who is June's ex-boyfriend, he's ordered to make copies and file the originals. Right before that, the salesguy interrupts his boss like a jackass. Yeah, I can't see him succeeding very well. As soon as that's done, the ex-boyfriend of June's takes his co-worker—who's female—offscreen. Um...
...
Let's continue before I make the situation a hell of a lot worse.
When the salesguy leaves, he's knocked on the ground by a bunch of skateboarders. And that was actually pretty funny. Anyway, he sees a paper: a transfer of ownership.
So let me get this straight. We've been following this guy for this? We've watched his stupid subplot of him getting the new skateboard and being a total jackass for this? All of a sudden, now he's important?
...what the hell were the writers thinking?!
Oh, wait. He has a choice to make. He can talk to the others in the Kickboxing Academy, but it's too far. Thus, he might miss the skateboarding tournament. So it has come down to this: should he choose between his friends or his own competition?
Well, we won't get an answer of that, because now we're at the tournament itself! And we're treated first with a kid with some sweet moves. For entertainment and stuff.
However, as we're amazed by the moves, cut to Stan and Barry. Barry's bag has the following: rub-down oil, extra briefs, ginseng tablets, computer baseball, and three tuna sandwiches. Okay, that's irrelevant. NEXT!
As we're next treated with a Jackie Chan lookalike wielding nunchucks and wowing the crowd, we're then cut back to Fatal Combat talking smack against the Kickboxing Academy, with Bad Boss Maddox asking June if she's ready to join the ranks of the unemployed. I'm not going to touch that one.
June then replies by saying about the same life story she also shared with Proto!Andros. She also adds that hurting her and her students won't bring his son back. So...the son who died from heart failure was Maddox's son? Damn. Maddox sits right back down, stunned from what Master June told him.
Tarbeck steps in, saying that once he takes over her school, she'll still have employment under him. And with that, the match will begin. The Kickboxing Academy wonders when Proto!Andros will show up.
After Maddox is being congratulated, the first part begins.
Round 1! Junior Competition! Cute Shotaro Boy Jason vs. Jam (wtf?)! FIGHT!
The two competitors receive advice from their respective coaches, and they come out fighting. First part, Jam gets a sucker punch in, having his team get the first point. Second part, Jason strikes back with a punch, and Kickboxing Academy gets its point. Final decision? During the fight, Tarbeck calls out for Jason, and Jam kicks him.
...wait. Fatal Combat cheated, and yet that still counts as a win for them? What the fuck?!
Despite that, June congratulates Jason for effort. I feel sorry for the poor kid.
Round 2! Beginners Division! Stan vs. Marianne!...who is actually, apprentally, Soupy! (Eh, fuck it, I'll call him "Marianne".) FIGHT!
Before the match, Tarbeck makes another damn fat joke, saying that he'll put him in a round room and tell him that there's a cheese Danish at a corner. Unsurprisingly, no one laughs. Maybe they're sick and tired of the fat jokes as I am.
As Stan steps up, June goes over to the judges, and she says that Stan's not a beginner, as she saw him fight Tarbeck. Problem is, the papers are already confirming that he is.
So the fight begins. First part: Marianne delivers a No-Holds-Barred Beatdown to Stan, so he gets the first point. However, after Tarbeck tells Marianne to hit the groin, Stan strikes back with kicks and punches of his own, and he gets a point for his team. Final decision...after some time deflecting attacks, Stan somersaults, headbutts, and punches Marianne! Scoring the point and the round for the Kickboxing Academy! Awesome.
Oh, and Tarbeck tells Marianne that he sucks. Humiliated, Marianne tells his teacher to shut up. Naturally...Tarbeck doesn't take it well.
So the Kickboxing Academy and the Fatal Combat are tied. Next up...oh, God...
Round 3! Catfight Women's Competition! Melinda vs. Treck!
...wait, what the fuck? Then again, this is Fatal Combat: where screwing the rules equals making their own. Even the announcer calls Tarbeck out, but he states that it's equal rights. Anyway...FIGHT!
First up—wait, did Tarbeck just tell Treck to kick Melinda, a clear female, in the 'nards? How many sessions in human biology did Tarbeck sleep through? Either way—wait, did a student seriously throw a chair around as part of cheering? Um...
...anyway...eventually, Melinda kicks Treck in the damn face, scoring her point. Next, for extra embarrassment, she kicks him exactly where Treck is told to kick (wait, did I just say that shit?)...in the groin. However? Despite it, despite Kickboxing Academy clearly owning, Treck gets the match and points.
Melinda is furious about that, as she should. Unfortunately, this is what happens when their rival school's owner sponsors the tournament—shit is rigged up in here. Naturally, the Fatal Combat students call her a cheater.
Pot. Kettle. Black.
Round 4! Blackbelt Division! Pierre vs. John!
Yes, kids. John is their secret weapon. So he has replaced Chet. Once again, Fatal Combat isn't just a school where kids do have a chance of dying, but they always like to screw the traditional rules and make their own. Oh, and why is Chet being replaced? He "dislocated" his shoulder. Which, by the way, is bullshit.
Just when things look their bleakest, enter Proto!Andros! The problem is, they can't replace Pierre unless if he's injured—oh, wait, no, it looks like he fell. So June tells the judges that Proto!Andros will replace Pierre, and Tarbeck wonders what is going on. Answer: playing his rules of the game.
Okay...
Round 4! Blackbelt Division! John vs. Proto!Andros! FIGHT!
After a round of small smacktalk, the fight begins. First part...John hits Proto!Andros in the face in a cheap shot. So he gets the point.
Proto!Andros is in the corner, being asked what he thinks. He says that he may be bigger and stronger than him, but he thinks that he can take him. One look at Cindy, and Proto!Andros returns to the stage—wait, is his nose bleeding? Ow.
Second part. Proto!Andros elbows John in the first few seconds. Which means...it's a tie.
So who will win the brawl? Will it be Proto!Andros? Or will it be John? Who will take it all? And what will the salesguy decide?
Because...it all ends now.
Third part. After some time dodging...John kicks Proto!Andros in the stomach. Ouch. So it's 2-1. Will Proto!Andros make it up? Yes. By grappling with his opponent, making him fall. And as John tries to get his rival, it's already too late.
So. Final decision. 2-2 right now. The two are matching each other in terms of moves. Swift and agility are key. And then...Proto!Andros kicks John in the back of the head, meaning that he wins both the division and saved the Kickboxing Academy! And most importantly, he has conquered...whatever demons he has had, if he's to be believed.
And he gives June a hug. D'aww. :)
However...it's not over. It's a tie. And as Proto!Andros is being congratulated, a contest like this can be determined in a tie-breaker. And what is the tie-breaker, you ask?
A tie-breaker between the two instructors!
Tarbeck asks just what is going on, and the reply is that it's in the rules. June...wait, what? She's saying that she can't fight? Is she seriously saying that she can't fight?
...what the fuck happened to her little speech about forgetting the past?!
Excuse me. I have a wall to demolish. (a sound of several bangs are heard)
...okay, now I'm fine. Anyway, Proto!Andros says to her the same thing...oh, God. Dammit, writers, make up your fucking minds! Are the useless subplots more important than character traits?!
Both teachers get encouragements from their students. June, I'm not going to bother lest if my head is demolished along with the wall. Tarbeck...well, the students can't wait for him to sucker punch a chick.
...
Round 5! The Deciding Factor! Tarbeck vs. June! FIGHT!
...well, that was certainly embarrassing. Because June punches Tarbeck pretty damn fast. Point: her. Second part: after Tarbeck dances around, June elbows him, getting the second point.
This is just pathetic as hell. We might as well say that the Kickboxing Academy wins after the deciding factor of the round, because...
...oh, wait. Jason tells Tarbeck that his fly's open. The teacher replies that he wrote the gag. Jason's explanation: if his fly's open, what the heck is...
...what. What. What. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.
Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew! Evil mental image!
Anyway, Tarbeck gets a taste of his own medicine as June beats him due to the distraction. She then throws him down and elbows him again, getting the last point and winning.
WINNER: Kickboxing Academy! Who thought that they couldn't do it? No, seriously, who thought that they couldn't do it?
Maddox steps forward to June, and...he actually congratulates her, admitting that she won fair and square. Huh. Who knew that it was a humbling experience for him? Oh, and not only does June get her school back, but there are sponsorships, too. And it's time to put the past behind them.
...oh, wait. June's ex-boyfriend, Max, shows up. And so does the salesguy. Maddox asks if they have the paperwork, and he tells them the news. However...Max is a douchebag. Because he doesn't follow the commands.
Damn. He really can't get over the break-up. PUT THE PAST BEHIND YOU, DUMBASS!
Oh, wait, It Gets Worse! The Kickboxing Academy is no longer Maddox's, but his. Because it's in his name. And he has even worse plans: he'll build an office building. How could he do that? He has the power of attorney. He can sign his name to anything he wants.
Wow. And to think, he can't go any lower.
Tarbeck jumps at the chance, because it means that his school's untouched. However, Maddox goes against it, and he and Max are threatened to be taken to court. Luckily (or not), the salesguy has the transfer of ownership papers, which means exactly what it says on the tin.
Maddox is only surprised to see that Max is basically an idiot. In other words, he lost. And the salesguy "accidentally" didn't follow orders, making it one huge Epic Fail.
...and that's all well and good, but did the salesguy seriously had to photocopy his ass? Has he not known how long the gag's been overused?
So Max is headed off to jail for signing the school over to himself, his reputation also destroyed. The Kickboxing Academy truly has the school back. And...the salesguy isn't so useless after all. Though I'll never forgive the fart jokes.
Oh, wait, no. Tarbeck shoots up the entire fucking tournament! Dude, what the hell? He's...going crazy. And is it just me, or did the gun type change?
Anyway, he tells everyone to freeze. One of his own students told him that, but Tarbeck actually means everyone else but his troops. Jam delivers a point: they lost, so would a hostage-taking be severe? Hell yes it is! Oh, and another one, Chet, says that his mom's going to pick him up soon.
Even with all the headspasms and his own students protesting, Tarbeck isn't going down. He rants and raves, and he says that everyone laughed at him. And...Who's Laughing Now?? As he laughs during his total breakdown, Jason slips through and taps Tarbeck on the shoulder. As he looks down...Jason punches him in the face and knees him!
Awesome, little dude!
So Tarbeck is carted off to the police, the Kickboxing Academy is truly saved at long fucking last (seriously), the salesguy will continue to make prank phone calls to the disgraced Fatal Combat instructor, and everyone lived happily ever after.
You'd think this is the end of our story, but nope!
Because it's party time!
Barry and Stan talk to a very non-snooty girl about kickboxing, and Jason thanks June for showing the secret moves. Okay...and it's promised that June won't have any more lawyer-type boyfriends. That's probably for the best. And the salesguy did get the skateboard of his dreams.
...whoops. Sorry about that.
And Brian shows up, well and alive. And on crutches. He and Jason go home.
So in the final few minutes, Cindy goes to find Proto!Andros. Let's play one final game of rewriting scenes.
(Carter goes off to find his lover, Andros. Having won the day, the two should celebrate with a party of their own.)
Andros: What took you so long?
Carter: Thought you'd come for the party.
Andros: No, you didn't.
(Despite that, the two kiss each other. Once again, no doubt that a fangirl went Squee that day.)
...you know the drill, kids. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! And yes, it seems that there's tongue involved.
And yes, this is the third kiss in which Chyler and Christopher spat out during each take. One would have to think that it was a relief when that shit was all over.
Anyway, that's the end of the film. That's seriously...it. So was it bad? Well...yes, actually. Because it takes forever for the plot to go anywhere. We're treated to such "fun" filler, and...ugh, the kisses, the damn kisses...what were the casting directors even thinking?
Wait, wait, hold the hell up. "Post Production Stupidvisor"? Dammit, movie! And "Rajneesh Babakan: Joe Toppe"? "Go ahead and try something" at the fucking end of the usual disclaimers about unauthorized use, and that shit was written unironically?!?
...let's end this before someone gets seriously fucking hurt.
This has been Rika Reviews: Kickboxing Academy! Until next time, see ya!
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