(Watch along with me here
)
Fade in on— What. What what what.
Oh, man, I forgot about this, and now that it’s here I can’t believe I did. It’s the movie’s, um, sexy duck narrator.
Allow me to explain: It’s a white duck-like bird, laying on its side on a branch. One hand, er, wing props up its head, and the other is slung over its belly, and the leg is bent upward. You may recognize this pose as the Ready for Lovemaking pose. Most of the time, the eyes are half-shut, implying she’s either stoned or, um, making a “come hither” face. Her voice is also rather… odd. I don’t want to sound weird, or seem like I’m reading too much into things, but it is impossible to look at this and not think the duck narrator is coming on to the audience. Thus, the Sexy Duck Narrator.
SDN tells us “That’s just what the deanos did. (Feast, for those of you who were trying to forget Part 1). The little deano didn’t get much of what was going on, he was rather tired from being passed around so much.” Also, I think the reason the deano didn’t “get much” is because it’s FIVE SECONDS OLD. It was just frigging born. How could it possibly register anything that was going on??
PASS: Goofy crow (you may remember him from Anastasia and every other DP movie ever), still hamming it up for the audience. He, too, is in a Ready For Lovemaking pose. Um… is he coming on to the duck?
We cut back to the SDN, who is suddenly flying. Or rather, doing Dingo’s best attempt at flying. It’s better than Cree’s flying cycle, but worse than, say, an orphanage burning to the ground with all the children inside.
SDN says, “Cree spread his wings over him and Tio went to sleep immediately. Soooon, the deano baby turned into a (pause) really cheeky deano boy, he loved to play with Cree… because although Cree was much older, he was up for— all the pranks. They got up to.”
What’s with this weird emphasis? Can you not read, woman?! And the way she talks about Cree, I’m getting a weird vibe. It seems like they’re implying Cree is a… Should I be giving Tio a copy of Too Smart for Strangers?
PASS: Goofy crow is now flying as well. Clearly, it’s mimicking the Sexy Duck Narrator. But for what sinister purpose? That, no one can know.
Possibly to get into her non-existent pants. I’m just saying. She's a ho.
We end on the SDN standing upright, spazzing around. Her movements are not unlike those of a seizure victim. Her beak continues flapping even after she’s done talking, leading me to believe more and more that the SDN needs medical attention. Aaaaaand fade out. Of course.
I get the feeling this narrator is just a cheap way for Dingo to get out of a “growing up montage.” Montages are cheap to begin with, and cutting to a narrator to get out of one is just mindbogglingly cheap. It is the acme of suck.
And why does the narrator have to be a duck?! Ducks did not exist with dinosaurs! Yeeeaaargggh!
FADE IN on Bluey, the father, standing on his fours. Suddenly, he stands upright, shouting/growling, “Tio! Tiiiiiiiiiiii-ooooooooooo!” Well, I guess that explains why Tio walks on twos.
Oh, wait, no it doesn’t, it’s just the father suddenly standing but he’s still clearly a quadruped while Tio is a biped. I’m sorry, my mistake, I meant to say this movie is awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful. Or maybe Greeney was messing around with the deano milkman.
Cut to Cree “flying” and “landing.” “Landing” is shown by having his flight animation freeze once he’s near the ground. It looks just as fake as you’d imagine. Oh, Dingo Dingo Dingo.
Bluey growls, “I didn’t mean you isyour name Tioooo, where is he hiding.” It’s so stupid I can’t even think of a comment. Awful.
Cree flaps his beak and says, “Why?” That is way too much flapping for a one-syllable word.
“Stupid question,” growls Bluey. I don’t know if he’s implying his question was stupid (a la “ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer”), or if he’s saying Cree’s question is stupid. Either way, we all know what’s really stupid here, don’t we, guys? “I want Tio here immediately with no whys and wherefores.”
“B-b-b-b-b-b-but if I knew whyheshould come here I should go and tell him… yeah,” stutters Cree, looking worried.
PASS: The spike-nosed monster laughing. Its “laughing” animation is just the head bobbing up and down. (Also, that’s twice now they’ve cut to a laughing dino when Cree is supposed to have said something funny. Dingo, is this your version of the Laugh Track? Because I’m not laughing. No one is laughing, except your strange, terrifying little dinosaurs.)
So we cut back to our annoying parrot, who says something about only getting Tio if Bluey doesn’t want to scold him. He then criticizes Bluey for his authoritarian parenting skills. We get a front-on shot of Cree, and I suddenly wish they’d go back to animating him in profile. At least when he’s side-on, he’s not staring at me. Staring into me.
His eyes follow me around the room.
Anyway, Bluey is angry now, so he roars. That can’t be good for his voice— it’s bad enough, he shouldn’t aggravate it. The roar sounds really fake, obviously, but it also blurs into Cree’s next line. The VA must be reading the script straight through. Usually when one actor does multiple parts, he reads all of one part, then all of the second part, etc. and the editor cuts it together. Here, the actor doing a straight-up back and forth, which can work… so long as you don’t blur your lines together.
We also get a very audible “gulp” as the actor clears his throat for the next line. Good work, Dingo. Good work.
Cree takes flight again. Oh, I hate this animation. While he flies, his beak flaps— but he’s not talking. This studio is frigging lazy— they only have one flight cycle, and it has mouth flaps, so if Cree’s not talking when he’s flying— tough, deal with it. I hate this company so much.
When Cree finally does talk, he says, “See, flying really does have its advantages.” What advantage? You’re just flying! What, is he bragging or something? No, wait, I think we’re meant to assume Bluey was going to attack Cree, and he flew away to safety. Way to not show that, guys. Way to just look stupid.
At last, Tio arrives on the scene. Still walking on two legs, I see. He’s slightly older than he was before—how much time has passed? The Sexy Duck Narrator just said “soooooon”—how do you measure that? Is it hours, days, week, months? Oh, his voice is really annoying, too. It’s the woman’s voice, and she’s pitched herself even higher. “Why are you shouting at me like that I haven’t done anything wrong today. At least as far as I can remember,” says Tio. Oh, female VA, how I haven’t missed your awkward line readings.
Cut to Cree laughing. His animation is laughing, but there’s no laughter coming out of his mouth. It’s unnerving. “He-he-he’s not talking about you,” says Cree. “I got your dad a little… ANGRY he he HA HA HA yeah I did!”
Why does Cree sound so gleeful? That’s maniacal laughter, right there. It’s the kind of laugh the Joker would make if he were a flying dinosaur in a terrible animated rip-off of The Land Before Time. It’s so creepy. I’m with Bluey, you shouldn’t let kids play around a guy like that.
“Cree!” shouts Bluey. “You get cheekier and more impossible by the day!”
“Well, I can afford to no one can get me,” says Cree, who is suddenly flying again. He laughs some more. Creeeeeepy.
“I wish I could fly,” says Tio.
“That’s all we need. You hang around Cree enough AS IT IS. He’s a bad influence on you. You see.”
Um, if he’s a bad influence, why did you invite him to cater at his birth? Why are you letting them hang out all the time? Why don’t you just step on Cree, and make all our lives a little easier?
And when are we going to get to the point of this scene? Why did Bluey call for Tio anyway? Was is for nothing? There has to be a point!
Oh, but there is! Bluey explains that because Tio is being sooooo rebellious (walking on two feet, I imagine), he has to go to “Oror’s school” for three hours every day.
Tio, in his squeaky little voice, says, “Aw damn!”
… “Aw, damn.” From a one-week-old. I guess Cree really IS a bad influence.
Anyway, “Aw damn, I’m much too little for that,” says Tio. You’re not too little to swear, are you, you red-nosed bipedal runt!
Cut to a shot of Bluey walking (in glorious profile!). So, that’s that? No more discussion? Not even a line about how he’s not going to discuss this? He just… leaves? Leaves his son with Cree? STUPIIIIIIIIIIIIIID!
So he walks, and where he’s going is never explained (of course), and directly after we get another walking shot, this time of Greeney. Cree is perched on her back, looking weird. Jeez, Cree is freaking huge. He didn’t look that big when he was standing next to the egg.
I’m analysing Dingo Piture’s scale again. Silly me.
While this is going on, we have weird sort of early-90s reggae/beat box music playing. Did they raid this soundtrack from Saved By the Bell?
PASS the spike monster walking. Stupid spike monster.
So Greeney goes to comfort her son. She asks, “Did you have a fight with your father again?” Again? How often do they fight? Tio is like, days old—if we’re being generous, he’s a few months at the most. His father should know better. Shit, man, someone call prehistoric Child Services.
And tell them about Cree, too, he gives me the heeby-jeebies.
Green rat—I mean, Tio, complains about going to “Otto’s” school, saying “he’s ancient. It’s bound to be boring.”
“That it won’t be child,” says his mother. Ugh, crimes against my mother tongue. “Oral can tell fascinating tales.”
“I don’t believe it,” whines Tio.
“You can believe me, I was also taught by Orol.” Clearly he never taught you how to act.
“If I promise to go to Oro tomorrow, then I want to play with Cree now, until it gets—dark, okay?”
Seriously, what is this guy’s NAME?! Can’t they pronounce it the same way twice? Speak clearly, actors! This is the importance of ENUNCIATION!
Tio’s childhood bargaining skills pay off, and his mother tells him he can go off with Cree, but “go a little way off papa doesn’t like to see you two together!”
Vile enabler! You shut be shutting that flying menace out of your son’s life! Bluey is right about him, even if he does have a temper—keep him away! Sending mixed messages about Cree will only confuse the rat. You’re a team, Greeney! Don’t go behind your husband’s back!
But of course she does, and Tio and Cree go off together, amid the terrifying sound of a [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jew's_harp Jew’s harp]].
I’ll leave off here, ‘cause I don’t want this part to get too long. What hilarious mischief will Tio and Cree get into? What’s the point of the spike-nosed monster? Will the Sexy Duck Narrator return? Where has my sanity gone? These questions and more will be answered, to the great distress of all, next time!
