"Chess."
Not the most intimidating name for a villain as one commercial depicted, but maybe its a front for how deviously smart he is?
After that card, the scene opens up in the house of a perfectly normal family. Here we meet Vince Faraday, all-American good guy and policeman in the fictional Palm City. TV reporter mentions that Chess is a masked killer who has made death threats against the police chief. Because letting your target know that you're coming for him is a super-smart move.
Cut to PCPD HQ, where Vince listens to another cop mention a blogger named Orwell who has the scoop on some corrupt cops. Maybe Orwell will start an internet petition to have them removed! How will the PCPD ever recover from such an attack on their credibility?
Cut to the PCPD Police Chief giving a rousing speech. He gets in the car and says that Chess "probably had a front-row seat." But Chess appears in the driver's seat and says "backstage pass." OH SNAP! He then lights up what appears to be a portable acetylene torch and it sucks up all the oxygen in the car as Chess escapes. Vince suddenly finds out the trick and rushes to the car, but apparently the Chief is locked inside and hasn't thought of escaping through the front seat where there aren't any child safety locks!
Everyone runs for cover and the torch suddenly becomes a mini fuel-air bomb! Luckily, Vince was saved by the power of Plot Armor! Never leave home without it! Poor chief, we never even got to know his name!
And so begins the story of...THE CAPE.
[commercial break]
"Orwell"
Like all budding superheroes, Vince takes out his frustrations on a heavy bag when his son comes in to join him.
Cut to Vince talking with his Black Friend about how the ARK Corporation (run by billionaire Peter Fleming and is not evil at all. Nosireebob.) is going to take over the police force because the city apparently can't appoint a new police chief on their own. Black Friend encourages Vince to talk to Dana about it, and Dana seems reluctant to accept the idea.
Cut to the Legion of Doom...err, ARK HQ, where Black Friend introduces Vince to Mr. Fleming himself. You'd think that there would be more than two cops in the new ARK-run PD, but I guess you gotta cut costs somewhere. ARK paid billions to train police in Afghanistan? I'd probably be selling my stock if I found that out.
"They need heroes like Vince Faraday." FORESHADOWING! Black Friend's name is Marty, would've been nice to know earlier.
Later, Vince returns home to read THE CAPE with his son. Because in this world THE CAPE is just a comic book and not a real superhero yet. Later Vince gets Email from none other than...Orwell! But it's not to talk about the lost sequel to Animal Farm! The blogger tells Vince about L-9, the weapon that was used to kill the chief that "officially doesn't exist." And some guy named Scales (potentially the first supervillain?) who works with Chess.
After getting that mysterious email, Vince does the sensible, rational thing and goes to a darkened trainyard, inviting Black Friend along for some fun. Vince is apparently very concerned about illegal dolls shipped into Palm City. Because when I'm getting a doll for my 4-year-old daughter, she can tell the difference between Fisher-Price and counterfeit brand!
Vince suddenly reveals the dolls are a front for smuggling the L-9 canisters into the country. But just as they plan their next move, Vince is grabbed by faceless ARK thugs! Et tu, Black Friend?
[commercial break]
"The Carnival of Crime"
Vince wakes up several hours later in a train car with a chess board in front of him (SYMBOLISM!). Gotta love those comic-potent tranquilizers. And of course, Black Friend is also there to look guilty.
"Do you play chess?" Says a voice that sounds verrrry familiar. After a chess-themed monologue and threat, the chess-themed villain wearing what appears to be chess-themed contacts pulls off his mask and is in fact the secret identity of Peter Fleming! Not even 12 minutes into the pilot episode and the identity of the supervillain Chess is revealed? You guys really don't think that much of your story, do you?
Then he reveals his evil plan to use the L-9 to blow up half of the city, which will cause the mayor to turn over the rest of the police to ARK. Actually, wouldn't the feds take over if such a grand terrorist act were to happen in a major city? And wouldn't they...aw fuck, why am I questioning this shit? Also, they plan to frame Vince as Chess for the murder of the chief, which is exemplified by stapling the Chess mask to Vince's head.
"You have one move left...run!" Because he could just shoot Vince with the Chess mask affixed to his head, dump the body somewhere in Palm City and then continue with his plan. But no, he wants to give Vince one last chance for sport. This can't possibly come back to hurt him, right?
And the masked Vince runs through the trainyard, dodging heavily-trained ARK troops who, of course, cannot shoot for shit because of the Plot Armor that protects Vince.
Suddenly, the TV chopper is getting footage of Vince running through the trainyard. Not sure why he took the time to rip his mask off, as now everyone will think he's Chess for sure. If only his family wasn't watching...oh wait, they are!
Vince takes shelter under and old tanker full of gasoline as it is riddled with bullets. He manages to break the lock on a service entrance as the tanker...EXPLODES! Did nobody watch Mythbusters before writing this show? Bullets by themselves don't cause tanks to explode! They just make the gasoline pour out! 15 minutes in, and Vince is presumed dead by everyone.
Meanwhile, Fleming and Black Friend apparently succeeded in convincing the mayor to turn over the Police Force to ARK as Vince is dragged away by someone. He wakes up in a circus where prolific actor Keith David is apparently playing the Magical Negro role. This circus has everything: fire-breathers, midgets, and contortionists.
As the TV news pronounces Chess's death as Vince, Keith David hits the pipe organ dramatically. None of them believe his petulant cries that Fleming is the real Chess. They then announce themselves as the "Carnival of Crime," professional bank robbers who apparently have a circus motif because of one dreary night of trying out for Cirque d'Soleil. Between the French trapeze artists and the Italian m...sorry, I got bored again.
Where were we? Oh yeah, the midget finds Vince's bargaining chip, an ARK security master key that Fleming gave to him before the whole Chess fiasco. But of course ARK's IT dept. would have locked his passcard out of the system after Vince's death and reveal as Chess, right? WRONG! The card is used to help Keith David and the Carnival of Crime break into several banks! This would have taken 10 seconds with a competent IT department to stop, but I guess when you're a rich supervillain you don't have time for minor details like changing the locks on your security so no one can use a dead worker's passkey. I'm also guessing there are no cop cars in the entire city after the ARK takeover, because they're using the same rusted ice cream truck. Wouldn't be too hard to find. My mistake for thinking a rich supervillain with a chess motif would have some sort of INTELLIGENCE!
After Chess implicitly threatens Black Friend's family, Vince can't think of a word to say to his wife about not being dead. Keith David tells Vince that simply killing Chess won't solve things, they have to take all his money first. Cut to Vince attending his own funeral from afar.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
"The Birth of a Hero"
Vince is training when he sees a black cape and thinks back to his kid's favorite comic book hero. Could it be that this is the birth of...THE MATADOR? Strong as a lucha libre! More mysterious than a chupacabra! Able to trick bulls into running straight at him and then dodging!
Vince gets into a shouting match with Keith David. "I'M MAX MALLINI!" So the Magical Negro finally gets a name? Good to know he's also taking on the role of superhero mentor as well.
Guess what folks? Time for a MONTAGE! A superhero training montage. 25 minutes in. This is even worse than Heroes already. We also get to see some of THE CAPE's The Cape, which is "stronger than kevlar, lighter than a filament" and can use the wonders of CG animation to act as a prehensile limb with range as far as the story feels like!
After learning about cape-fu, escapist tricks, how to beat up midgets and hypnotism (for some reason), THE CAPE is ready to rock!
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
"Scales"
The weapons merchant who looks like the illegitimate child of Paulie-D and a particularly assertive screen door, Scales appears by the docks to get the product onto the ship. Suddenly, Scales' thugs are grabbed by CG animation! Thank god they don't have to be on this awful show any longer! Who is this mysterious man attacking Scales? It's...THE CAPE!
Except THE CAPE promptly gets beaten down by Scales, then wrapped in chains and left to drown in the sea. Okay folks, bad guys win! Show's over! You can all go home now!
31 minutes, and THE CAPE conveniently remembers the words of Keith David and survives by wiggling out of the chain! Okay, even if the plot is the dumbest thing ever, is it too much to ask for some more confrontations that don't rely on CG animation or highly-trained gunmen missing the hero? No? Okay then.
Hey, what happened to THE CAPE's The Cape? It disappears in one scene then reappears in the next as THE CAPE climbs aboard the freighter and chases down a small person, who turns out to be...SUMMER GLAU! The girl is the blogger Orwell who apparently has a super-secret lair with a magical computer and a cool car. How does one girl have so much money and equipment? Don't know, and don't care. It's Summer Glau, the one good thing about this whole show. Enjoy while it lasts, as she pledges to be the Oracle to Vince's Batman.
Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom, Black Friend reports that they found Max Mallini, while chess takes several seconds to snicker evilly. Back at the Docks, it turns out that the ARK thugs were able to capture Max as Chess interrogates...wait, so they couldn't shoot one policeman who they had bound and in custody before the hero montage, but they can capture a highly-skilled escape artist on his own turf? THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! GAAAAAAAH!
"Doesn't anyone value showmanship anymore?" Max asks as he disappears in a poof of CG-smoke. Except Scales is smart enough to see that he didn't teleport, just walked up the stairs. And he shoots him before he escapes! Y'know what? I take back my insult about Scales. He's probably the only competent person in this whole damned show!
Elsewhere, the midget from the circus calls THE CAPE on his cell phone. How did he get his number? Who cares? He has to rush over to save his teacher from the same docks he left a moment ago...well, I guess between spending a night with Summer and getting beat up by a surprisingly-skilled weapons dealer, the choice would be obvious to most people.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
"THE CAPE vs. Chess, Round 1" [FIGHT!]
Back at the ship, Max is trying to escape by hobbling away as the midget takes down Scales with a pipe wrench. Welp, guess I was wrong about Scales after all.
Is this the end of the Magical Negro? Will his death be avenged by THE CAPE? Max gives his dying speech on the tanker as THE CAPE watches...
HAH! JUST KIDDING. "...and I wasted a good speech." Eh, as far as deathbed speeches go, it's par for the course.
Elsewhere, Chess tells Black Friend about his intention to blow up half of Palm City with the L-9 so the city will be so afraid...oh fuck it, this plot is just so stupid. I think it would actually be easier to swallow if Chess was blowing everything up just for the fun of it. So the trigger to the explosives is held by his cell phone, which he will press...just as soon as he settles this fight scene with THE CAPE!
Hey look, THE CAPE's The Cape vanishes and reappears again as he fights the ARK troopers and leads Chess up the ship. He asks Oracle to cut off all cell phone traffic within 500 yards of his location. Yeah, sure, and while you're at it let me just use my "l33t skillz" here to hack the internets so I can transfer a million dollars into my bank account and change my name to Hugo F. Strongbody! COMPUTERS AREN'T FUCKING MAGIC DEVICES PEOPLE! But once again, I know we left real-world logic back at the 3 minute mark of this show.
THE CAPE's The Cape can't even stay consistently there in the same fight scene! C'mon, at least try to pretend that most of The Cape isn't just CG magic! THE CAPE is hanging off the ship by his The Cape which has reappeared and somehow THE CAPE has the momentum to jump back onto the...
Let's just skip to the ending. Chess fails to set off the bombs because of Orwell's magical computer that was able to shut off all cell traffic in 500 yards. "No bars." Says THE CAPE. Curse you, AT&T! You have foiled my plans for the last time! Of course, Chess jumps off the side, because you can't kill the named villain in the first episode, right? Summer Glau says goodbye, and then THE CAPE appears to tell Vince's son Trip not to lose hope. THE END.
Fuck this show, fuck NBC for showing commercials of this show during every other commercial break of NFL Playoffs action, and fuck me for thinking that maybe, just maybe, it would fill the hole that Heroes left. I've watched it, so now you don't have to.
Wait, maybe that's the true lesson of this story: rather than wait for a superhero to save us with the power of CG animation and Summer Glau, we just need to dig deep within ourselves, draw on our own experience and our own skills...and come up with a better tv show about superheroes than this giant steaming deuce.
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