Part 8: The Storm Before the Calm
(You know you want to watch along with me HERE!
And then HERE!)
FADE IN on some jaunty marching band music, which of course plays under the ever present OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC. It will haunt my nights forever after.
Apparently, after a whole two scenes worth of soccer practice and absolutely no tension or story building, it's now the day of the soccer match. You can tell because a whole bunch of jungle animals shuffle geriatrically toward a soccer pitch. You may recognize some of them— there's the tailor goat, Nala from The Lion King, and Bambi. There's also some hopping gophers and a drunk giraffe. I guess he'll be playing the part of the soccer hooligan, because what's a soccer game without hooligans? Then we get some more walking from a set of pigs.
It's about thirty seconds of solid walking. Can we all say PADDING? Can we all say PASS?
WHIPLASH CUT to Puss in Boots and the marching music promptly cuts out. You could sue for how jarring that cut was.
"Oh gee I hope I have everything and didn't forget anything," says Puss in his typical valium addict way, hobbling back and forth on the grass. I see ads in the background— one for "Me Jungle," one for "Puma." Nice try, Dingo.
Another cut and we get the long-awaited return of Harry the Reporter! His nose is stuffed up as always.
He's standing on a raised platform that looks like it's twenty feet off the ground— it's almost as tall as a fucking tree! And there's no ladder— how did he get up there? Did he fly? Is he a bird oh wait he is. Uh. Hm.
Let's move on. The movie certainly did.
"One two one two testing," says Harry, joining the proud tradition of "Testing One Two Three" spouters. A pelican flies over to him, carrying a letter in its mouth. Then a phone rings.
... was that... a joke? That the pelican's letter for like a phone? Or did the phone just ring in Dingo offices when this was recording? I can't even tell. It's so desperately random.
"Oh, no," says Harry, sounding uninterested.
"Friends," monotones Puss. I should think he'd have said 'Comrades.' "What's the matter?"
"Yeah!" says Harry, once again not directly replying to the statement. "Bad news— a group of hooligans is on their way!" YES! GIRAFFE HOOLIGANS! I KNEW IT! I CALLED IT!
"Oh, no," says Puss, channeling Harry. "That's just what we're missing. A group of hooligans!" You're damn right, Puss— hooligans are just what this event needs to liven up! Then we cut from Puss to the hooligans and—-
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh God. Oh, God, my sides. Oh, I'm sorry, I need a moment to breathe. Okay, okay, I'm good, I'm good, it's just the hooligans are—
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, I'm pissing! Oh God, they're lesbian hair-band Brit punk dominatrix ducks! Two of them have nipple spikes! Nipple spikes. They almost all have the same model, which looks like Joan Jett as a crackhead goose. Oh, God. Oh, I'm in pain.
Every time I look at this frame it just gets better. The-the-the goose with three chokers, the fact they all have clubs, the Ozzy Osbourne glasses, the Harry Potter scarves, their little duck combat boots...
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Okay, I'm done, I'm done.
Bwa!
So anyway, the hooligans actually have lines. The lead goose hooligan asks the Candy Bear, "How do we get to the area where the friends of the Wild Dogs are standing?" How do we ask a question with the most clauses added to it?
"Why Wild Dogs?" says a man playing a thoroughly unconvincing female hooligan. "I thought we were for the Jungle Kings!" The kings of the jungle?
"Yeah, you maybe, I stand with the Wild Dogs!" Epic dubbing failure here, too. The lips flaps are so off, it's hard to tell who's saying what. The voice acting doesn't offer any clues, either.
Simba shows up. "What's goin' on who do we have here you," says Simba, using every 80s villain stock phrase he can think of. "You guys are going into area S." Ladies and gentlemen, Animals Soccer World— don't miss a minute of the exciting USHERING scene! "If you're making, one wrong move— I will eat you." Motherfucker! You go, Simba, you show those duck hooligans you don't mess with the kings of the jungle!
"You old dictator!" says Hooligan # 1. Woah, is the Animal Farm plot coming back? But, for realz this time?
Simba frowns/leaks ink. We cut to animals in the stands, flapping their lips angrily while no sound comes out. Then, after a few seconds, "Start the game! Start the game!"
PASS two monkeys barring their potbellies. Uh...
Back to Harry, up on his pedestal, with his little cassette microphone pressed to his beak lips. His rivals, the three vultures (you remember those guys, right?), are also announcing, but Harry and the vultures all seem to be saying the same thing. In the same voice.
Quality.
"Dear ladies and gentleman! We welcome you to the soccer game of the year!" No shit, it's the soccer game of the fucking millennium considering this town has apparently never had one before. “The Wild Dogs... against the Jungle Kings!” Kings of the Jungle. PASS animals in the stands.
And then... oh, boy. The band starts singing. Remember the band with the saxophone rooster and the drum dog and the violin cat and the bass donkey? They start singing... in Dutch. I think it’s Dutch, it’s definitely not German. They were so cheap, they didn’t even change the song for the English soundtrack. Maybe they couldn’t, but I somehow doubt.
This song... is just so terrible. I don’t even speak Dutch and it sounds awful. It’s off-key and the words sound shoehorned in, like the VA is trying to get all the lyrics into one breath. I wish I knew what they were saying, so I could better make fun of it.
And of course, playing under it— the OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC. God, shut it off shut it off shut it off!
It’s mercifully short. “Big round of applause for the Unbelievable Four,” says Harry, bored. Unbelievable is right.
But the preshow isn’t over yet! How I wish it were, but alas.
“Ladies and gentleman!” says Harry, and cut to— oh, what the fuck is this.
So, remember how the pigs wanted costumes? This is what it was for. All the pigs are wearing uniforms and dancing. They’re cheerleaders. In far shots, they’re wearing these awful Dallas Cowgirl-type outfits, but in close-ups they are thankfully wearing marching band outfits and twirling feather dusters. Also, all are suddenly standing upright and can-can dancing. If there is one thing I didn’t ever need to see, it was can-can dancing pigs dressed like a marching band and twirling a feather dusters in the style of Dingo Pictures animation.
And their cheer song... it has to be heard to be believed. Here’s a direct link to it. Here, roughly, are the words:
(Man obviously pitching up his voice) “One two three, we are the piggies cheerleader/ Four five six seven the Jungle Kings will play like Heaven/ Eight nine ten, (breath) we-we won’t see the Wild Dogs again!” (Actual women’s voices cut in) “Yo yo yo YO yo yo!”
If you ever want to liquefy your brain, play this on repeat.
So apparently everyone hates the Wild Dogs, which blows for them. Animal racism, everybody! After the song, the animal crowd goes... ugh, wild. That was lame even for me.
“And after this wonderful act of our cheerleaders,” says nasally Harry.
Pregnant pause.
“We,” says a deep-voiced vulture, “can finally start.”
FINALLY.
I feel, with all this build up, that the soccer game deserves its own full part, so we’ll stop here for now. Tune in tomorrow, when we start commentary for the SOCCER GAME OF THE YEAR! And since the year just began, that’ll be pretty easy. 'Til the next!
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