Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami
In which Slowzombie tries out a different styleIn the not to distant present, right now, A.D/There lived a snarky zombie, much deader than you or me...
Hi guys, the author ambushed me with yet another chapter, so I figured it was just fair to tag-team him in return. I figured these guys have some beef with the author after his repeated shenanigans. Light: That's one way of putting it
. L: A Sufficient way, don't you agree... Light-Kun? Right, joining me today is Light Yagami and L... uhm... just L, from Death Note Light: I guess you could call him Ryuzaki L:Yes, but that's not my real name, remember? L: Hm
. Right, well, guys, any thoughts on the saga thus far? Light: I for one, am immensely insulted, this Dark character is bad enough, but the treatment of ME is flat out ridiculous. L: Like you being Kira?'' Light: Amongst others, yes L:... Are you guys doing that internal monologue battle of wits again? Light: ... L:Yes. Well, that's... fourth-wall breaking and fun, let's get to the fic. Light: Let's go L: If we must'
Chapter 40: So MANY DIE this is UNREAL
Light: I get this creeping feeling I shouldn't have agreed to this
Is it worth criticizing grammar at this point?
L: Probably not
THIS IS NOT A XMAS SPECIAL COS THE FIGHT IS too action packed BUT JUST IMAGINE IT IS OK?
Light: Xmas special?
He did one last year, it kinda sucked.
Light: was I in it, though?
You were ignored like a champ.
L: You're not used to being ignored, are you?
ALL THIS STUFF HAPPENS AT XMAS OR SOMETHIN AND WATARI IS DRESSED LICK A TREE OR I DON'T KNOW USE YOUR IMAGINATION!
Well, thanks for telling us that detail and... you know, not include it in a throwaway sentence or something.
L: I'm guessing it wouldn't fit in with all the action.
Everyone got out of the rubble EXCEPT FOR RAY PEMBER COS HE WAS SQUISHED TO DEATH BY THE RUBBLE!
Light: Ray Penber is dead... again? What a shame.
L: Did you know him, Light-kun?
Light: Very briefly
Noami started crying that her one true husband was dead but actually they dint get on all that well anyway cos of his man thing and dark was better at sexing and ray sold Naomis dog to pay for his gambling habit.
L: This man's respect for the dead is astounding
'Oh, you haven't even seen half of it
Oh Dark!" she cred right up in his face splattering tears everywhere. "My husband is dead and now I have no one to love me hotly and lightly all through the coldly darkly night. Will you take my back?"
A big anime sweat appeared on Darks face and he did the leany thing with his elbow on his head and the gorping mouth laughing and his eyes closed.
Light: My suspension of disbelief has been suspended over a bottomless pit and just had it's external cartoid artery sliced open, now it bleeds out, unknown and unloved, missed by no-one
L: That kind of reminds me of a case I worked once
Calm down guys, we're in for the long haul here.
"ACTUALLY DARK" said samanther with a big anime blush on her face too and wink "if you had a wife *wink* which you don't *wink* and its not me *wink* then she would love it as long she could join in too *wink wink wink*" she winked. "OK"
MEANWHILE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM
Well, that certainly was a necessary transition
L: Quick, to the L-cave
Light: Holy pop culture reference, Lman
That was quite an american reference
Light: Don't ask me, I'm American now.
Watari and Soichiro had been watching Cybertakada and Misa sexing each other. They had fort about sexing to solve their fight too but they were too old and wrinkly so they can't and also they were better at fighting than sexing which is why lights mom had so many affairs. instead they had to make do with kicking each other cos they were out of hands.
Light: What is this guy saying about my mom?
Oh, you don't even want to KNOW how deep this rabbit hole goes
Also, that's what she...
Light: *death glare*
"YOU ARE THE WORTHIEST BLOODY BUGGER I HAVE EVER FIT" watari gasped booting soichiro in the gut. "Well you are WORTHIER!" soichiro ground back doing a headbutt right into watari's face. He stumbled backwards and a load of blood came out of his nose and painted an England flag all over his blue shirt. "YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!" Watari bellowed putting boxing gloves full of nuclears where his hands used to be. He began beating soichiro so hard his glasses broke and soichiro's broke too and THERE WAS BLOOD ON BOTH THERE MUSTACHES! D: D: D:
Light: Is... is my father and your butler henchman... thing fighting with their feet?
L: it certainly looks like it, Light-kun
Light: You seem oddly calm about this.
L: Watari's been places. He once disabled two men with a paperclip.
Surely, you jest!
L: No, but that's a story for another time
Cybertakada got off Misa and the sexing was so good that misa just sat on the floor for like 5 minutes to get her breath back and stop her chest bouncing. "OK Sayu It Is You R
Turn But You Have No Hope Because I Made Sure My Sexing Motors Were Set To 100% power!" "Then I will just sex her with 101% power!"
Light: This was about Death Notes once, wasn't it?
Yeah, and life notes, and everything notes and shinigami royalty
L: Sounds interesting
"AH HA HA AH!" cybertakada laughed evilly but not too evil cos she just gave misa the best sexing of her life which is pretty good remember! "101% power sexing Will Kill HER!"
"F-ck!" said sayu. "THEN I MUST FIND A WAY OR MY NAME ISNT SAYU YAGAMI!"
Light: Wait... Sayu? My Sister?
L: It sure looks like it, Light-kun.
Roll with the punches, man, let's just hope your fic-self doesn't show up any time soon, I don't think we'd survive that.
ON PLANET BLUD ONES AGAIN
L: I wonder when the twoes will get their chance.
TSIOEFAJ and ruyk who was a girl and now called buytt were sexing all over the blood bed. Buytt was an ugly shinigami but it was still pretty hot sexing cos TSIOSEFAJ put a bag on buytts head and footballs down her top painted to look like chests. Blud wasn't watching this THE HOTTEST THING EVER TO HAPPEN ON PLANET BLUD THOUGH cos what was going on the tv was EVEN HOTTER.
Light: Wait... Ryuk is a girl now, and having sex? I thought Shinigami were asexual?
Yeah, that's not how this fic works, apparently.
L: Asexualism appear incomprehensible to the author.
Sayu and misa were leaning against the fridge sexing really hard and misa was screaming cos magnetarios antlers kept poking her.
Wait, the shinigami-horse has antlers?
L:I'm more worried what the shinigami-horse is doing there in the first place.
All: DO NOT WANT
"97%!" sayu gasped stepping up her game. "I'm… not… going! …to MAKE…. ITTT" misa squeaked. "98%!" sayu gasped. They were rubbing so hard they were making lighting and there hair was standing on end and full of sparks. "OMGGG"
L: Wait, how does a human measure the degree of "sexing" it provides?
I'm more flabbergasted by how unsexy this is. Give the author a hand, everyone, for making lesbian sex... not hot.
*modest but sarcastic applause*
Cybertakada got out her sex meter which was like the goggles from dragonball z. "ITS OVER NINETY NINE PEERCEE~EENT!" she shouted like in that video that everyone on the internet licks for some reason
Light: L, what does the scanner say about the lameness of that joke?
L: IT'S QUITE EXCESSIVE... also I'm detecting a slight degree of hypocrisy fairly close, for some reason.
It does that, nothing to worry about.
L: and now it's going on about blatant lies
"WE ARE AT ONE HUNDRED PERCENT SEXING" misa said between yips.
You know, One Hundred Percent Sexing could be a good name for a band,
Light: If you by that mean "horrible name for a band," then I tend to agree.
L: Three-Arm Sally it is not.
"I KNOW!" said sayu "NOW WE MUST TAKE IT EVEN HIGHER" and she put a hand on misa's chesty bumps.
BOOBS, man, they're called boobs, or breasts
Light: or mammaries
L: or jugs, melons, funbags, jubblies or ... gazongas
Main point: Chesty Bumps is NOT a commonly accepted nickname for breasts.
"OH NO THIS IS TOO GOOD" she screamed. "THIS IS LIKE 100.9% SEXING NOW. IF YOU DON'T STOP YOU WILL KILL ME."
Light: *in Misa's voice* SO YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT DOING THAT SOME TIME SOON IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH OF A BOTHER.
"Damn…" said sayu. "I must find ANOTHER WAY"
ANYWAY HOWS THE HERO OF THIS EPIC TALE?
Light: Ooooh, he means me, right?
Well, not quite.
Dark and L were watching samnather and night doing the science.
That's actually pretty dull so BACK TO THE LESBEANS!
L: So they do nothing?
Apparently. Well, it's time for more lesbians, it would seem
Light: My mind can scarcely conceive the glory.
Sayu got out her Everything Note and writ "MISA GETS A 200% SEXING WITHOUT DYING" Instantly misa fell on the rolling around trashing her arms against the walls
Now what I'm wondering is: Why not just write "Team Yagami Wins Forever" also... wasn't that thing destroyed? If not, why not revive Dawn and... well everyone? Why on earth doesn't this come close to making SENSE.
L: In short, Slowzombie, Because Lesbians.
... Ok, I guess.
"OH MAAAN THIS IS TOOO GOOOD!" she squealed. It was so good that all the sex chemicals made her hair grow super long and her chesty bits went twice as big.
Light: I'm pretty sure... whatever is happening here... doesn't work that way.
"Hey That Is Cheating" cybertakada said making her arms robot guns. "Chesters will be Punished!"
Chesters, huh? CHANGE? CHAAAANGE? YOU GOT CHANGE? COME ON, HELP A GUY OUT HERE
Popculture, it's all I have left at this point.
Then Sayu did a sexy dance for cybertakada and they started sexing. "OH THIS IS SO GOOD! WE ARE SEXING AT 101%!" she screamed. "KEEP GOING THIS IS TOO GOOD TO STOP EVEN IF I DIE"
Cybertakada exploded and bits of robot went in lights moms cookie doh. THREE EVIL DUDES ARE DEAD BUT SO ARE DAWN AND TWILIGHT! WHO WILL BE NECKS?
Guys... Sayu just killed someone... with sex.
Light: You owe us for this, nobody told me this would be a SNUFF FIC
Hey, how was I supposed to know Sayu was the fucking Ardat-Yakshi
L: For once, she isn't even remotely blue...
Let's just pretend this didn't happen, just like I did with the...
Light: ... with the what?
Trust me, YOU do not want to know.
Samanther and Night handed in their test papers to soichiro who marked them but first he had to summon the ghost of einstene cos the questions were so hard.
"HMM I have checked all the answers and you were alright except for YOU night! You got question 72348 wrong! EARTH HAS ONE MOON YOU NUMSKULL"
"OH YEAH? CHECK THIS SHIT OUT YOU LOSER" night shouted back hitting the brainy ghost dude with a scope. He looked through it and saw PLANET BLUD!
L: All together now!
All: THAT'S NO MOON. IT'S A SPACE STATION
Light: Which in this case, also happens to be correct.
"OH NO YOU ARE RIGHT! THAT MYSTERIOUS WORLD THAT APPEARED IN OUR SKIES IS A MOON LIKE A AVENGING ANGLE OF BLOOD DEATH IS A MOON. I WAS WRONG AND YOU WERE RIGHT" he did a bow at night and sent samanther to sit out the rest of the fight on the bench.
First Shakespeare, and now Einstein... how many more legacies of great men must this man utterly bumfuck before he's happy.
L: At this rate, he'll have Carl Sagan show up to read emo poetry and lose to Dark in a pop quiz.
ITS ALL EVEN AGAIN! NOT FOR LONG! Roared blud. SOMEONE ELSE IS ABOUT TO DIE!
TISOEFAJ came to look and stopped setting buytt cos she wasn't very good at it and the bag kept coming off and it wasn't really a good idea so Blud turned buytt back into ruyk.
L: This is... insane. Flat out insane and if it isn't illegal, it probably should be.
Insane? Illegal? THIS! IS! DARK AND LIGHT THE ADVENTURES OF DARK YAGAMI!
Light: You've been waiting 40 chapters to do that, haven't you?
Watari and soichiro were exhausted and theyd done too many kicks to the face so they were messy. "I AM SO BLOODY BLOODY GET IT?" roared watari. "ME TOO!" bellowed soichiro. They both a took a step back and ran at each other and did a running jump in the air. They stuck there feet out for a final kick
L: This is like Superman: Doomsday, except written by a monkey.
That's a bit harsh, don't you think?
Light: Yeah, to the monkey.
"THIS WILL SODDING BE THE LAST RUDDY SODDING KICK TO DECIDING THIS BASTARDING QUEENF-CK OF A FIGHT YOU WEASEL" Watari roared but he was wrong. THEY WERE THE SAME STRENGTH. The kicks met in midair AND THEY BOTH DIED.
I'm pretty sure kicks doesn't work that way.
Light: Yeah, just ask L
Oh, I think your big scene is coming up soon, Light
"Noo!" light screamed. "Dad!"
Light: Was that it?
I'm fine, just trying to find out who wrote this thing.
L: Why's that, Light-kun?
Light: I have some questions, that is all.
"Also dad I MEAN GRAMPS!" shrilled L. (AN WHOOPS I GOOFED!) "Both the mustache dudes died!" grinned dark. "WAIT F-CK HE WAS MY DAD TOO! WHY CROOL WORLD WHY?"
Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.
Light: He doesn't strike me as psychotic as much as he strikes me as....
Light: Yeah, thanks.
ON PLANET BLUD HOOVERING OVER THE ACTION IN SPACE
Blud shed a single tear which was so big that it hit earth and drowned sweeden.
Light: NOOOOOO! Sweden!
Whew, that was close.
WHATEVER WILL BE NEXT? He sobbed. THERE ARE ONLY A FEW DUDES LEFT. Just for fun he shot a lightning bolt at cool dude and killed him cos he wasn't doing much anyway
Light: Who is this Cool Dude anyway.
The guy in this picture.
Forget him, let's go through this so we can all get out of here.
THE SCORE SO FAR
DAWN killed by CYBERKATAKDA!
TWILIGHT killed by HAL!
SOICHIROS GOLDFISH killed by COOL DUDE PEEING IN THE TANK!
L: I'm tempted to ask why...
Don't, just roll with it
CYBERTAKADA sexed to death by SAYU!
SOICHIRO and WATARI killed by THEM
This being the movie Them, it's apparently more dangerous than we assumed.
SAMANTHER outsceinced by NIGHT!
RAY killed by RUBBLE!
NEAR killed by DAY!
COOL DUDE killed by BLUD KING OF THE SHINIGAMI!
Outside interference, booo!
Also Day got punched by L while he was tying his shoes!
L: I do not.... punch
Oh yes, in this fic you do..
Team Evil has 5 points and Team Dark has 5 points also! IT'S A TIE! WILL MORE DUDES DIE?
But first, a word from our sponsors.
MORE DUDES WILL DIE NEXT TIME! MAYBE BEFORE XMAS
Damn right "someone" will.
L: Uh... Light?
I WILL KILL HIM! I WILL KI...
Clever, I guess that it's though.
'Did I mention I'm a huge fan of yours? Because I definitely...
L: There's two dozes in this thing.
Point taken. Well, that's all for this time, y'all. Be sure to check out the next, exciting entry into the Dark Yagami saga, in all it's suck and splendor.
Bravo! A round of applause for Slowzombie, L and Light (or I guess as Dark would say, A TOAST FOR THE NOT DOOSHBAGS)
23rd Dec 10
24th Dec 10
24th Dec 10
According to his Twitter, D'ark is also aware of the Light and Dark drinking game. I believe that he said "SOME OF IT IS VERY MEAN THOUGH". Which is, to be fair, not entirely innaccurate.
25th Dec 10
4th Jan 11
I say go for it, all in the name of a good laff. I have plans of doing his Extended Universe DN fics but... well, they're a bit... eh, at least compared to his lulztastic later entry of the main series.
5th Jan 11
5th Jan 11
Cool. Will be checking that out. On the topic of the tweet... well, I've got mixed feelings about this, but eh, it
is was Christmas.
6th Jan 11
(edited by: slowzombie)
New chapter up.
29th Jan 11
Yeah, it's taken me just about a week to get through it, but the new chapter is going up shortly.
29th Jan 11