History UsefulNotes / TheHouseOfTudor

He was only 18 when he came to the throne. The public adored the young king and queen, who were both widely regarded as attractive and charismatic. Incidentally, while many folks know, due to the famous portrait shown above, that Henry VIII was, like his contemporary namesake, Duke Henry of Sussex ([[UsefulNotes/TheBritishRoyalFamily Prince Harry]]), a redhead, Catherine was a redhead as well, despite the many portrayals of her in fiction as raven-haired or brunette. Henry engaged in some WackyFratboyHijinx in his early years as King; he and some male buddies once burst into the Queen's bedchamber dressed as Myth/RobinHood and his Merry Men. By most accounts, their marriage was largely happy for the first several years.

He was only 18 when he came to the throne. The public adored the young king and queen, who were both widely regarded as attractive and charismatic. Incidentally, while many folks know that Henry VIII was, like his contemporary namesake, Duke Henry of Sussex ([[UsefulNotes/TheBritishRoyalFamily Prince Harry]]) a redhead, due to the famous portrait shown above, Catherine was a redhead as well, despite the many portrayals of her in fiction as raven-haired or brunette. Henry engaged in some WackyFratboyHijinx in his early years as King; he and some male buddies once burst into the Queen's bedchamber dressed as Myth/RobinHood and his Merry Men. By most accounts, their marriage was largely happy for the first several years.

He was only 18 when he came to the throne. The public adored the young king and queen, who were both widely regarded as attractive and charismatic. Incidentally, while many folks know that Henry VIII was, like his contemporary namesake, Duke Henry of Sussex ([[UsefulNotes/TheBritishRoyalFamily Prince Harry]]) a redhead due to the famous portrait shown above, Catherine was as well despite the many portrayals of her in fiction as raven-haired or brunette. Henry engaged in some WackyFratboyHijinx in his early years as King; he and some male buddies once burst into the Queen's bedchamber dressed as Myth/RobinHood and his Merry Men. By most accounts, their marriage was largely happy for the first several years.

This search took longer than expected, and it was nearly three years before Henry married again. This was partly due to the fluctuating politics in Europe that left Henry and his government constantly uncertain about with whom they needed to be allied; and partly because the European marriage market, ''shockingly,'' was not that keen on a king who had gone through three wives in five years, with Anne Boleyn's fate standing out in particular. Apparently, when Mary of Guise -- a French noblewoman who would later marry Henry's nephew James V of Scotland and give birth to [[UsefulNotes/MaryOfScotland Mary Queen of Scots]] -- learned that Henry had told the French ambassador that he was big in person and had need of a big wife, she glibly replied, "I may be a big woman, but I have a very little neck." When Henry's ambassadors were plying his suit to her, Christina of Denmark supposedly said, "If I had two heads, one should be at the King of England's disposal." While these stories are likely apocryphal, Christina and her relatives at least made no secret of her aversion to marrying Henry, particularly since Catherine of Aragon was ''her great-aunt.'' When she posed for a portrait by Hans Holbein the Younger (whom Henry had sent to paint all the prospective candidates for wife Number Four) she wore mourning dress, and given that she had been widowed over two years prior, her choice of wardrobe was very telling - mourning dress is supposed to be worn for six months, then into purple for six months for "half-mourning", then out of mourning; the fact she wore mourning dress ''a whole year later than she needed to'' was one hell of a sign. The wooing of both ladies went nowhere, and several other marriage negotiations also fell through.

Enter [[UsefulNotes/JaneSeymourRoyalty Jane Seymour]]. A staunch Roman Catholic, Jane was everything Anne was not -- quiet, placid, feminine, delicate, and blonde. (Henry was like that: every wife he chose was, in some way, the stark opposite of her predecessor.) Jane also refused to have sex with Henry until marriage, which didn't take very long: within months of Anne's last miscarriage, her enemies had her charged with adultery, incest, and treason.[[note]] Not witchcraft; that’s a rather stupid myth perpetuated by the Victorians. The early Tudors considered witchcraft a stupid peasant superstition.[[/note]] She was convicted despite the evidence being a laughable tissue of lies, and Henry (by now getting into the swing of this Supreme Head thing) annulled their marriage, and she was executed. In one last act of "kindness" to his former wife, Anne was beheaded by a professional executioner from France, who used a sword and made it quick.[[note]]This really ''was'' an act of kindness, though it hardly sounds like it. Being a headsman was a brutal occupation and one which didn't exactly do wonders for one's mental health. As such, the headsman would often drink heavily on the day of an execution, which could sometimes lead to an absolute bloodbath when the axe swings would ''miss''. Some executions took multiple swings before the head was severed from the body, by which point the victim would be practically mutilated. By getting Anne a master swordsman who could do the job with one clean stroke, Henry kept her from suffering too grievously. Nevertheless, the fact that this French executioner arrived as fast as he did suggests to historians that Henry had hired him way before Anne's set trial, further cementing the fact that Henry had committed to removing Anne regardless of whether she was innocent or not.[[/note]] Some historians suggest that Jane, rejecting gifts of money from Henry -- she reportedly kissed the letter he wrote and sent it ''and'' the purse of money that came with it back to the King, who was enraptured at her actions -- was more cunning than she outwardly portrayed herself to be, was playing the long game and, much like Anne, ''won.''

Henry today is also known for being one of the few monarchs to leave his country's treasury fuller when he died than when he was crowned, thanks to his stringent taxation (later nicknamed "The Tight-Fisted Tudor"). He actually taxed his subjects for the knighting of his son Arthur, as was his right...but he did so ''after'' Arthur had actually died. Nevertheless, to presume that this wealth procured through austerity did not lead to any indulgence on his part (as well as the corruption of his ministers) would be, strictly speaking, not true. If anything, [[ValuesDissonance most of the means he used to enrich the treasury would be considered blatant extortion by modern-day standards]] and ''were'' considered extortion by many of his lords. In short, he was a "fine monarch" in the way that UsefulNotes/{{Singapore}} is a fine city.

Henry seems to have been overjoyed by Elizabeth’s birth; there’s no evidence whatsoever that he was angry or upset, and, in fact, we have letters written in Henry’s hand before her birth pleading with the midwives to put Anne’s life before that of the child ''even if the child was a boy''. But then further into their marriage Anne miscarried at least two separate pregnancies, both boys, each in the second trimester, and after three years the qualities which had attracted Henry in the first place (especially her strong-minded wilfulness) began to repel him. It didn't help Anne's case that, unlike Catherine, she was apparently unpopular with the common folk who greatly sympathized with the former/'true' queen and blamed Anne for Henry breaking with Rome, her enemies at court actively hated her, she refused to tune out Henry's mistresses the way Catherine had done (who even Henry once referred to as Anne's "better" when lecturing her on lecturing ''him'' about his mistresses), and none of her relatives or friends were powerful enough/willing to support and protect her -- ''or'' to kick up a fuss should anything obviously untoward happen to her. [[note]]In particular, she managed to alienate her uncle, Thomas Howard, Duke of Norfolk, who wound up completely turning against her and even ''presided at her trial'' as Lord High Steward.[[/note]]

Henry left and changed into kingly raiment and Anne, recognizing her mistake, humbled herself before her betrothed and talked with him. Unfortunately, the damage had been done. Anne first ignoring him and then looking at him with shock and revulsion rather than swooning at the sight of him served as stark evidence that the obese, 40-something king was no longer the athletic young man who burst into Catherine of Aragon's bedchamber dressed as Robin Hood. Rather than taking a hard look at himself, however, Henry projected his insecurities onto her. ''She'' was the ugly one! ''She'' smelled bad! She probably wasn't a virgin! Anne, meanwhile, probably lived in terror of the thought of what might happen to her if she didn't successfully give the king another son.

Henry left and changed into kingly raiment and Anne, recognizing her mistake, humbled herself before her betrothed and talked with him. Unfortunately, the damage had been done. Anne first ignoring him and then looking at him with shock and revulsion rather than swooning at the sight of him served as stark evidence that the obese, 40-something king was no longer the athletic young man who burst into Catherine of Aragon's bedchamber dressed as Robin Hood. Rather than taking a hard look at himself, however, Henry projected his insecurities onto her. She was ugly! She smelled bad! She probably wasn't a virgin! Anne, meanwhile, probably lived in terror of the thought of what might happen to her if she didn't successfully give the king another son.

Henry seems to have been overjoyed by Elizabeth’s birth; there’s no evidence whatsoever that he was angry or upset, and, in fact, we have letters written in Henry’s hand before her birth pleading with the midwives to put Anne’s life before that of the child ''even if the child was a boy''. But then further into their marriage Anne miscarried at least two separate pregnancies, both boys, each in the second trimester, and after three years the qualities which had attracted Henry in the first place (especially her strong-minded wilfulness) began to repel him. It didn't help Anne's case that, unlike Catherine, she was apparently unpopular with the common folk who greatly sympathized with the former/'true' queen and blamed Anne for Henry breaking with Rome, her enemies at court actively hated her, she refused to tune out Henry's mistresses the way Catherine had done (who even Henry once referred to as Anne's "better" when lecturing her on lecturing ''him'' about his mistresses), and none of her relatives or friends were powerful enough/willing to support and protect her [[note]]In particular, she managed to alienate her uncle, Thomas Howard, Duke of Norfolk, who wound up completely turning against her and even ''presided at her trial'' as Lord High Steward.[[/note]] -- ''or'' to kick up a fuss should anything obviously untoward happen to her.

In the end, Anne, who by now knew exactly what happened to Queens One ''and'' Two (and had her decision greatly simplified by the fact that ''she was provably as pure and virgin as the day she was married''), signed the annulment papers at the King's first suggestion. A very relieved King Henry gave her a ''very'' generous settlement - including several castles and a metric fuck-tonne of money. Henry soon realized that although he didn't want to be married to her, he did at least genuinely ''like'' her as a person; for the rest of his life he treated her as an [[LikeBrotherAndSister honorary sister]], and she was even referenced publicly as "the King's Good Sister". She got on incredibly well with both of his daughters, was provided with a household and allowance, and was invited to all the events at court. Henry was so thankful for her acquiescence that her title of "the King's Good Sister" came with lofty status, and it was understood that, apart from the King's wife and daughters, she outranked ''every other woman in the kingdom.'' Regardless of how pretty Anne of Cleves was, or whether she was pretty at all, in the end, it didn't matter all that much. Clearly, Anne was no fool. Good for her!

The "lucky" lady ended up being Anne of Cleves (German: ''Anna von Jülich-Kleve-Berg''). Henry was introduced to her via one of the aforementioned Holbein portraits, now on display in The Louvre. Her father was the Duke of Cleves, an important mover and shaker in the emerging Protestant Schmalkaldic League who presumably judged having England in his back pocket would be worth whatever risk his daughter might face marrying Europe's most notorious serial monogamist. Her elder sister Sybelle, meanwhile, was married to the Elector of Saxony who led the League. After Catherine of Aragon, she was Henry's only wife who would be considered a "royal", as the daughter of a sovereign prince. Although he is said to have been enamored of her portrait, Henry found her so unattractive in person that the marriage was annulled six months later without it having been consummated. (History does not record what Anne thought of Henry, who by this time weighed about 350 pounds and had nasty pus-spewing abscesses on both legs.) The strange part was that [[HollywoodHomely she probably wasn't really that unattractive]]. While the English members of Henry's court felt compelled to say whatever the irascible king wanted to hear, none of the English courtiers who wrote about her after Henry's death mentioned her being anything but pleasant-looking and that Hans Holbein - known for painting realistic, rather than flattering, portraits - had, at most, made her nose slightly smaller. Charles de Marillac, the French Ambassador, opined that while Anne was no great beauty, she was reasonably attractive, pleasant to be around, and dignified. ''But'' she was also docile, tall, quite large-breasted, and largely trained in the domestic arts rather than activities that the royal court enjoyed like hunting, dancing, and singing, and Henry tended to like them feisty, tiny, boyish, keen on the outdoors and with a classically-trained intellect. Furthermore, Anne's conservative and not exactly fashionable or flattering German clothing did her no favours, which combined with what one courtier described as a "serious" demeanor to make her appear older than her years. She also spoke very little English when she first arrived in the country, although she did learn it while in England. All the same, given that Henry insisted that Anne was not just unattractive, but repulsive enough that he could not consummate the marriage, more than one historian has wondered if Henry's obesity had rendered him impotent by this point and blamed Anne instead of his weight.

So Henry moved on to Catherine Howard, a first cousin of Anne Boleyn. Catherine was one of Anne's ladies-in-waiting, and [[BrokenRecord (go figure)]] everything Anne was not: tiny, boyish, spirited, frivolous, and auburn-haired. She was also in love with (and probably legally married to) another man, but that didn't matter: by that time, Henry wasn't taking no for an answer from anyone. After the marriage, Catherine, who was probably all of fifteen years old at this point, found a new boyfriend -- Henry's closest body servant -- and carried on with him behind the King's back.[[note]]According to all sources, however, when the court was on progress to the house of Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk, and his second wife, Katherine Willoughby, the young queen ''actually behaved herself''. What that says about the Duchess of Suffolk, who was able to keep Catherine in line, is up to you.[[/note]] Bad idea. When Henry found out, he naturally had both the current and former boyfriends killed, [[DramaticallyMissingThePoint then sat around for months whining about how all women are whores.]] Given Catherine's age and other events in her life [[note]]She was likely around ''thirteen'' when she had her first 'relationship' with Henry Mannox, her music teacher, who was at least ten years older than her and may even have been in his mid-thirties. During her interrogation, Catherine claimed that Francis Dereham, the aforementioned man to whom she was probably legally married (due to a pre-contract), essentially forced himself upon her. While witnesses from Norfolk House (where both of them were living at the time of their affair) refuted this and said Catherine enjoyed Dereham's attentions, please recall that Catherine was still likely no more than fifteen at this point, and Dereham, again, was more than ten years older than her, meaning he might have pressured her into accepting said attentions. As for the man with whom she was accused of adultery, Thomas Culpeper (who was, once more with feeling, [[RuleOfThree at least ten years older than Catherine]]) theories have been raised that he might have had knowledge of her previous affairs and hoped to use them to gain leverage and power over the young Queen. He may also have been a rapist; in 1539 a Thomas Culpeper was accused of, and granted a royal pardon for, raping a park-keeper's wife and then murdering a villager... though it's entirely possible that this might have been Culpeper's elder brother, confusingly also called Thomas.[[/note]] there are historians who now suspect she may have been coerced into the relationship and quite possibly raped -- and then beheaded for it.

Anne of Cleves never remarried which, again, meant that she had control over her money and property. She was the last of Henry's six wives to die, ten years after Henry, though Catherine of Aragon had a longer lifespan. She was also the first of Henry's wives to lack strong religious convictions; born and baptized Catholic, she was raised in a Protestant environment and most of her close relatives became leading lights of the early Protestant movement, but she herself only converted to Anglicanism to marry Henry, and then converted back to Roman Catholicism when her former stepdaughter Mary took the throne.

In the end, Anne, who by now knew exactly what happened to Queens One ''and'' Two (and had her decision greatly simplified by the fact that ''she was provably as pure and virgin as the day she was married''), signed the annulment papers at the King's first suggestion. A very relieved King Henry gave her a ''very'' generous settlement - including several castles and a metric fuck-tonne of money, which allowed her to outlive (and get richer than) the other five. Henry soon realized that although he didn't want to be married to her, he did at least genuinely ''like'' her as a person; for the rest of his life he treated her as an [[LikeBrotherAndSister honorary sister]], and she was even referenced publicly as "the King's Good Sister". She got on incredibly well with both of his daughters, was provided with a household and allowance, and was invited to all the events at court. Henry was so thankful for her acquiescence that her title of "the King's Good Sister" came with lofty status, and it was understood that, apart from the King's wife and daughters, she outranked ''every other woman in the kingdom.'' Regardless of how pretty Anne of Cleves was, or whether she was pretty at all, in the end, it didn't matter all that much. Clearly, Anne was no fool. Good for her!

In the end, Anne, who by now knew exactly what happened to Queens One ''and'' Two (and had her decision greatly simplified by the fact that ''she was provably as pure and virgin as the day she was married''), signed the annulment papers at the King's first suggestion and thereby got a ''very'' generous settlement - including several castles, a metric fuck-tonne of money, and no one to tell her what to ''do'' with it - from a very relieved King Henry, which allowed her to outlive (and get richer than) the other five. But by the time of the annulment, Henry had realized that he genuinely ''liked'' Anne as a person even though he didn't want to be married to her; for the rest of his life he treated her as an [[LikeBrotherAndSister honorary sister]], and she was even referenced publicly as "the King's good sister". She got on incredibly well with both of his daughters, was provided with a household and allowance, and was invited to all the events at court. Henry was so thankful for her acquiescence that her title of "the King's good sister" came with lofty status, and it was understood that, apart from the King's wife and daughters, she outranked ''every other woman in the kingdom.'' Regardless of how pretty Anne of Cleves was, or whether she was pretty at all, in the end, it didn't matter all that much. Clearly, Anne was no fool. Good for her!

Henry left and changed into kingly raiment and Anne, recognizing her mistake, humbled herself before her betrothed and talked with him. Unfortunately, the damage had been done. Anne first ignoring him and then looking at him with shock and revulsion rather than swooning at the sight of him served as stark evidence that the obese, 40-something king was no longer the athletic young man who burst into Catherine of Aragon's bedchamber dressed as Robin Hood. Rather than taking a hard look at his lifestyle and life stage, however, Henry projected his insecurities onto her. She was ugly! She smelled bad! She probably wasn't a virgin! Anne, meanwhile, probably lived in terror of the thought of what might happen to her if she didn't successfully give the king another son.

The "lucky" lady ended up being Anne of Cleves (German: ''Anna von Jülich-Kleve-Berg''). Henry was introduced to her via one of the aforementioned Holbein portraits, now on display in The Louvre. Her father was the Duke of Cleves, an important mover and shaker in the emerging Protestant Schmalkaldic League who presumably judged having England in his back pocket would be worth whatever risk his daughter might face marrying Europe's most notorious serial monogamist. Her elder sister Sybelle, meanwhile, was married to the Elector of Saxony who led the League. After Catherine of Aragon, she was Henry's only wife who would be considered a "royal", as the daughter of a sovereign prince. Although he is said to have been enamored of her portrait, Henry found her so unattractive in person that the marriage was annulled six months later without it having been consummated. (History does not record what Anne thought of Henry, who by this time weighed about 350 pounds and had nasty pus-spewing abscesses on both legs.) The strange part was that [[HollywoodHomely she probably wasn't really that unattractive]]. While the English members of Henry's court felt compelled to say whatever the irascible king wanted to hear, none of the English courtiers who wrote about her after Henry's death mentioned her being anything but pleasant-looking and that Hans Holbein - known for painting realistic, rather than flattering, portraits - had, at most, made her nose slightly smaller. Charles de Marillac, the French Ambassador, opined that while Anne was no great beauty, she was reasonably attractive, pleasant to be around, and dignified. ''But'' she was also docile, tall, quite large-breasted, and largely trained in the domestic arts rather than activities that the royal court enjoyed like hunting, dancing, and singing, and Henry tended to like them feisty, tiny, boyish, keen on the outdoors and with a classically-trained intellect. Furthermore, Anne's conservative and not exactly fashionable or flattering German clothing did her no favours, which combined with what one courtier described as a "serious" demeanor to make her appear older than her years. She also spoke very little English when she first arrived in the country, although she did learn it while in England. All the same, given that Henry insisted that Anne was not just unattractive, but repulsive enough to make consummation physically impossible, more than one historian has wondered if Henry had become impotent by this point and blamed Anne instead of his weight.

The "lucky" lady ended up being Anne of Cleves (German: ''Anna von Jülich-Kleve-Berg''). Henry was introduced to her via one of the aforementioned Holbein portraits, now on display in The Louvre. Her father was the Duke of Cleves, an important mover and shaker in the emerging Protestant Schmalkaldic League who presumably judged having England in his back pocket would be worth whatever risk his daughter might face marrying Europe's most notorious serial monogamist. Her elder sister Sybelle, meanwhile, was married to the Elector of Saxony who led the League. After Catherine of Aragon, she was Henry's only wife who would be considered a "royal", as the daughter of a sovereign prince. Although he is said to have been enamored of her portrait, Henry found her so unattractive in person that the marriage was annulled six months later without it having been consummated. (History does not record what Anne thought of Henry, who by this time weighed about 350 pounds and had nasty pus-spewing abscesses on both legs.) The strange part was that [[HollywoodHomely she probably wasn't really that unattractive]]. While the English members of Henry's court felt compelled to say whatever the irascible king wanted to hear, none of the English courtiers who wrote about her after Henry's death mentioned her being anything but pleasant-looking and that Hans Holbein - known for painting realistic, rather than flattering, portraits - had, at most, made her nose slightly smaller. Charles de Marillac, the French Ambassador, opined that while Anne was no great beauty, she was reasonably attractive, pleasant to be around, and dignified. ''But'' she was also docile, tall, quite large-breasted, and largely trained in the domestic arts rather than activities that the royal court enjoyed like hunting, dancing, and singing, and Henry tended to like them feisty, tiny, boyish, keen on the outdoors and with a classically-trained intellect. Furthermore, Anne's conservative and not exactly fashionable or flattering German clothing did her no favours, which combined with what one courtier described as a "serious" demeanor tended to make her appear older than her years. She also spoke very little English when she first arrived in the country, although she did learn it while in England. All the same, given that Henry insisted that Anne was not just unattractive, but repulsive enough to make consummation physically impossible, more than one historian has wondered if Henry had become impotent by this point and blamed Anne instead of his weight.

The "lucky" lady ended up being Anne of Cleves (German: ''Anna von Jülich-Kleve-Berg''). Henry was introduced to her via one of the aforementioned Holbein portraits, now on display in The Louvre. Her father was the Duke of Cleves, an important mover and shaker in the emerging Protestant Schmalkaldic League who presumably judged having England in his back pocket would be worth whatever risk his daughter might face marrying Europe's most notorious serial monogamist. Her elder sister Sybelle, meanwhile, was married to the Elector of Saxony who led the League. After Catherine of Aragon, she was Henry's only wife who would be considered a "royal", as the daughter of a sovereign prince. Although he is said to have been enamored of her portrait, Henry found her so unattractive in person that the marriage was annulled six months later without it having been consummated. (History does not record what Anne thought of Henry, who by this time weighed about 350 pounds and had nasty pus-spewing abscesses on both legs.) The strange part was that [[HollywoodHomely she probably wasn't really that unattractive]]. While the English members of Henry's court felt compelled to say whatever the irascible king wanted to hear, none of the English courtiers who wrote about her after Henry's death mentioned her being anything but pleasant-looking and that Hans Holbein - known for painting realistic, rather than flattering, portraits - had, at most, made her nose slightly smaller. Charles de Marillac, the French Ambassador, opined that while Anne was no great beauty, she was reasonably attractive, pleasant to be around, and dignified. ''But'' she was also docile, tall, quite large-breasted, and largely trained in the domestic arts rather than activities that the royal court enjoyed like hunting, dancing, and singing, and Henry tended to like them feisty, tiny, boyish, keen on the outdoors and with a classically-trained intellect. Furthermore, Anne's heavy, conservative, and not exactly fashionable or flattering German clothing did her no favours, and combined with what one courtier described as a "serious" affect tended to make her appear older than her years. She also spoke very little English when she first arrived in the country, although she did learn it while in England. All the same, given that Henry insisted that Anne was not just unattractive, but repulsive enough to make consummation physically impossible, more than one historian has wondered if Henry had become impotent by this point and blamed Anne instead of his weight.

The "lucky" lady ended up being Anne of Cleves (German: ''Anna von Jülich-Kleve-Berg''). Henry was introduced to her via one of the aforementioned Holbein portraits, now on display in The Louvre. Her father was the Duke of Cleves, an important mover and shaker in the emerging Protestant Schmalkaldic League who presumably judged having England in his back pocket would be worth whatever risk his daughter might face marrying Europe's most notorious serial monogamist. Her elder sister Sybelle, meanwhile, was married to the Elector of Saxony who led the League. After Catherine of Aragon, she was Henry's only wife who would be considered a "royal", as the daughter of a sovereign prince. Although he is said to have been enamored of her portrait, Henry found her so unattractive in person that the marriage was annulled six months later without it having been consummated. (History does not record what Anne thought of Henry, who by this time weighed about 350 pounds and had nasty pus-spewing abscesses on both legs.) The strange part was that [[HollywoodHomely she probably wasn't really that unattractive]]. While the English members of Henry's court felt compelled to say whatever the irascible king wanted to hear, none of the English courtiers who wrote about her after Henry's death mentioned her being anything but pleasant-looking and that Hans Holbein - known for painting realistic, rather than flattering, portraits - had, at most, made her nose slightly smaller. Charles de Marillac, the French Ambassador, opined that while Anne was no great beauty she was attractive, pleasant to be around, and dignified. At least one person she was the best-looking of all of Henry's queens. ''But'' she was also docile, tall, quite large-breasted, and largely trained in the domestic arts rather than activities that the royal court enjoyed like hunting, dancing, and singing, and Henry tended to like them feisty, tiny, boyish, keen on the outdoors and with a classically-trained intellect. Furthermore, Anne's heavy, conservative, and not exactly fashionable or flattering German clothing did her no favours, and combined with what one courtier described as a "serious" affect tended to make her appear older than her years. She also spoke very little English when she first arrived in the country, although she did learn it while in England. All the same, given that Henry insisted that Anne was not just unattractive, but repulsive enough to make consummation physically impossible, more than one historian has wondered if Henry had become impotent by this point and blamed Anne instead of his weight.

Henry had to deal with a couple of pretenders to his throne along the way, but he strengthened his claim by marrying Elizabeth of York, the eldest daughter of King Edward IV, meaning that he secured his tie to the opposing family. The Tudor rose (depicted above) is emblematic of their marriage, being a joining of the red rose of Lancaster and the white rose of York; to this very day, it stands as the floral heraldic emblem of England. The Tudor line's famous tendency toward red hair was also introduced by her. Elizabeth was intelligent, attractive, pious, and beloved by the people. Theirs was probably a PerfectlyArrangedMarriage, as Tudor historians seem to agree that she and Henry were genuinely attached to one another. [[note]]Whether this was from the moment of marriage or developed is unknown; it's probably the latter, as they were complete strangers on their marriage![[/note]] Unusually for the time period (and especially when compared with his son), Henry is not known to have ever had any mistresses. Henry and Elizabeth had several children, the first being born just eight months after the wedding, and although Elizabeth didn't exert much political influence[[note]]She did, however, occasionally put her foot down. There is a recorded instance of Henry appointing a bishop that his wife chose over one his mother chose and another recorded instance of Elizabeth convincing Henry -- with the help of her mother-in-law, Margaret Beaufort -- not to send Princess Margaret to Scotland in 1502 as she was "too young"; Henry, ultimately, acquiesced to her wishes and sent Princess Margaret in June 1503 instead, four months after Elizabeth was dead.[[/note]], Henry respected her deeply. When their eldest son died in his teens, Elizabeth and Henry comforted one another as their grief hit them both in different ways at different times. While Elizabeth encouraged Henry to have another child, the birth of said child would, unfortunately, end Elizabeth's life. Her death, which occurred on her 37th birthday, sent Henry into such deep mourning that he actually became gravely ill, allowing no one to come near him except for his own mother; this was so unusual for the austere King that the members of his court were alarmed. He was young enough to remarry and it would have been politically advantageous to do so, but he had no interest. Even when he finally did give his advisers permission to find him a new bride, his list of desired qualities was recognized as basically being a carbon copy of Elizabeth, which of course they knew they would never be able to find -- indeed, the King remained a widower until the moment of his death, his late wife forever imprinted in his mind as a youthful and loving wife and mother, as well as a competent and supportive consort.

Mary's husband would ultimately be Philip II (''Felipe''), King of Spain, Naples, and [[InNameOnly Jerusalem]], the only son of Charles V.[[note]]Philip succeeded to the Throne of Spain after his father abdicated his various titles at the age of 54 and retired, exhausted and gout-ridden, to a Spanish monastery. He was to die a few years later.[[/note]] During their reign, England lost Calais, a port in northern France that was England's only territory in that country following the Hundred Years' War. There was a considerable age gap between them (she was 11 years his senior), and years of poor health and stress had taken a heavy toll on Mary. Mary seems to have been devoted to him; her remark upon seeing his portrait for the first time was to say that she was "half in love" with him already. Sadly, it is unlikely that the cold and self-contained Philip reciprocated her devotion. Mary was notably desperate for a baby; she seemed twice to have become pregnant, but with no result -- the symptoms were possibly either psychosomatic or the result of an ovarian cyst, perhaps both. Had the pregnancy been real and [[DeathByChildbirth killed Mary]], Parliament passed an act [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Treason_Act_1554 to make Philip her successor]], and in such an event, he would have likely taken Mary's half-sister Elizabeth as a subsequent wife, adding England to the Habsburgs' {{long list}} of territories. In any case, she had no child, and upon the death of the first undisputed Queen Regnant in English history, the throne promptly passed to the second...

As a child, Mary had been betrothed to her cousin, the Holy Roman Emperor Charles V, the son of Catherine of Aragon's sister Juana and her husband, Philip. This match delighted her parents, as they both eagerly anticipated a grandson who would rule the majority of Roman Catholic Europe. This dream ended, however, when Charles withdrew from the betrothal in favor of another first cousin, Princess Isabella of Portugal. Charles' reneging seems to have blindsided and outraged Henry -- as evidenced by his whole "annulling his first marriage" thing -- although the fact that, at the time of the betrothal, Charles was 22 and Mary was ''six'' may have been a factor. Mary herself seemed to hold no grudge against Charles for it. She (naïvely) came to rely on Charles as a source of emotional support and advice, particularly when it came to politics. Notoriously guileless, Mary never seemed to realize that Charles ultimately blew with the wind -- for example, during the siege of Rome while Henry VIII was attempting to have his first marriage annulled, Charles seemed to waffle over how big an insult to Catherine and Mary the annulment would actually be, and later was reportedly overjoyed to hear of Lady Jane Grey's accession. Meanwhile, Mary claimed to regard Charles V (her cousin and ex-betrothed, remember) almost as a father, and that her most prized possession was an early letter he'd written to her during their engagement.

Even ignoring this, it is ''obvious'' from a cursory analysis of Henry VIII's well-known sexual history that he had reproductive health issues. Considering seven undisputed sexual relationships of Henry VIII (Catherine of Aragon, Bessie Blount, Mary Boleyn, Anne Boleyn, Madge Shelton, Jane Seymour and Katherine Howard)[[note]] Henry is well-known to have never slept with Anne of Cleves, and it is unclear if his marriage to Catherine Parr was ever consummated;[[/note]] four of the seven women became pregnant. [[note]] There are theories that at least one of Mary Boleyn's children was fathered by Henry rather than her first husband, but also just as much evidence against it, and even if he ''was'' the father he never acknowledged them.[[/note]] Of these four women, there were 12 pregnancies. Of these 12 only 5 would be carried to full-term. Comparatively, Henry VII's father impregnated Elizabeth of York eight times (possibly nine), with most of those children being delivered full-term.

He was only 18 when he came to the throne. The public adored the young king and queen, who were both widely regarded as attractive and charismatic. Incidentally, while many folks know that Henry VIII was, like his contemporary namesake, Duke Henry of Sussex ([[UsefulNotes/TheBritishRoyalFamily Prince Harry]]) a redhead due to the famous portrait shown above, Catherine was as well despite the many portrayals of her in fiction as raven-haired or brunette. Henry engaged in some WackyFratboyHijinx in his early years as King; he and some male buddies once burst into the Queen's bedchamber dressed as RobinHood and his Merry Men. By most accounts, their marriage was largely happy for the first several years.

[[QuestionableConsent To this day, it is unknown whether Mary married Bothwell because she wanted to or because he kidnapped and raped her and she might have felt she didn't have a choice]]. (Many historians believe the latter. This is supported by the fact that Mary miscarried twins in July 1567, and the apparent age of the fetuses was such that they were almost certainly conceived when Bothwell kidnapped her.) Whatever the case, the Scottish nobles blamed her for Darnley's death.[[note]]She was definitely tired of him, but Mary's goal was always the English throne. She knew that Darnley, despite being cruel, frivolous, and an international embarrassment, was more of a help than a hindrance in that regard, if no other; she also knew that annulling her marriage to him would threaten their son's inheritance to both realms, while having him killed would ruin her credibility and stain her honor - especially in England, where Darnley was still Queen Elizabeth's cousin. From a pragmatic standpoint of realizing her ambitions, Mary's only course of action was to reconcile with Darnley, and she seemed to have been doing that. Darnley was murdered the night before he was set to resume conjugal relations with Mary. The consensus seems to be that Bothwell and other lords killed Darnley, and then the other lords pinned the blame on Bothwell ''and'' Mary to justify deposing her.[[/note]] Consequently, there was a battle. Bothwell ran off to Denmark, hoping for sanctuary but ending his days chained to a pillar in a dungeon -- he'd forgotten about the time he'd jilted the Danish King's cousin at the altar.

As the daughter of Catherine of Aragon and granddaughter of [[UsefulNotes/TheCatholicMonarchs King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain]], Mary I was Catholic in a big way. Prosecutions for heresy were resumed with great vigour during her reign; there were more burnt at the stake in the Marian period than in any other Tudor reign. (Henry tended to have his noble victims beheaded, while his less exalted victims were hanged until half-dead, cut down, castrated, and disemboweled while still alive. Thomas More handled the few executions by burning which had occurred in Henry's reign.) Mary herself was not personally ferocious, but she was, like her husband Philip, morbidly conscientious and absolutely convinced that the extirpation of Protestantism was a moral imperative. The logic employed was that, by burning Protestants and 'giving them a taste' of what awaited them in hell, they would be persuaded to recant in their final moments and die good Catholics, thereby ensuring their entry to heaven. It kind of backfired because many of those burned ''still'' refused to recant, despite the utter horror.[[note]]Being burnt at the stake is a particularly agonizing death because what exactly kills you can vary. The fire destroying your body is slow and painful, as is suffocating from the smoke and all of the oxygen being used up. It was considered a mercy to hang a bag of gunpowder around the victim's neck, in the hopes that it would explode and kill them more quickly. Anne Boleyn agreed to have her marriage annulled and Princess Elizabeth declared a bastard in exchange for her death sentence being commuted from burning to the relatively quicker beheading, by a skilled French swordsman.[[/note]] This forbearance in the face of indescribable agony created a lot of martyrs and convinced many that ''Protestantism must really be something if people are willing to suffer for their faith. I mean, look what the Catholic Queen is doing.''

[[UsefulNotes/MaryOfScotland Mary I of Scotland]] (not to be confused with Mary I ''Tudor'' of England, see above) became Queen at six days old, when her father died of what was probably cholera. She'd been betrothed, aged a mere seven months, to a six-year-old Edward of England before he became King Edward VI. When the Scots didn't go through with it, Henry VIII proceeded to engage in what historians call "The Rough Wooing". Namely, he attacked Scotland a few times. The Scots teamed up with their traditional buddies, the French, and Mary ended up marrying the man who was due to become Francois II of France. He died.

She then married an English nobleman, Henry Stuart, Lord Darnley. Why? They were half-cousins; they were both grandchildren of Henry VIII's older sister Margaret. This gave them each substantial claims to the English throne if Good Queen Bess died childless. Marriage united and strengthened their claims[[note]]Which of them had the better claim depends on who you ask. Mary's was the senior claim by strict law of descent; she was the daughter of Margaret Tudor's elder son from her indisputably legitimate first marriage, but both Mary and her father had been born in Scotland and were not English citizens. Darnley was the son of Margaret Tudor's daughter from her annulled (and therefore sketchy) second marriage, but both he and his mother had been born and lived in England. Darnley was also that rarest of unicorns, a male Tudor who lived long enough to be able to shave, while Mary was already an anointed queen in her own right. Their marriage patched up the weaknesses in each other's claims and meant they would be competing directly with Elizabeth and the other potential heirs, not each other. On the other hand, their grandmother renounced the claims of herself and her descendants to the throne, and Henry VIII explicitly disinherited Margaret's entire line in his will. So, you know, who you ask.[[/note]] and their son, James, did in fact succeed Elizabeth. But that was later; at the time, Elizabeth forbade the match. Or didn't -- some historians believe that Elizabeth knew Darnley was ''such a prick'' that anyone who married him would tire of him and get rid of him, and that she knew ''exactly what she was doing'' when she sent him to Scotland with Robert Dudley and that everything that happened with him and Mary was planned to bring Mary down!

Mary may have retaliated in a dangerous manner, depending on whom you ask: Lord Darnley's bedroom was ''blown up''. He was found ''in the garden''. '''In his nightshirt'''. '''''Strangled'''''. The chief suspect was a roguish Scottish noble called Lord Bothwell. Bothwell married the widowed Mary.

[[QuestionableConsent To this day, it is unknown whether Mary married Bothwell because she wanted to or because he raped her and she might have felt she didn't have a choice]]. Whatever the case, the Scottish nobles blamed her for Darnley's death.[[note]]She was definitely tired of him, but Mary's goal was always the English throne. She knew that Darnley, despite being cruel, frivolous, and an international embarrassment, was more of a help than a hindrance in that regard, if no other, and that annulling her marriage to him would threaten their son's inheritance to both realms while having him killed would ruin her credibility and stain her honor - especially in England, where Darnley was still Queen Elizabeth's cousin. From a pragmatic standpoint of realizing her ambitions, Mary's only course of action was to reconcile with Darnley, and she seemed to have been doing that. Darnley was murdered the night before he was set to resume conjugal relations with Mary. The consensus seems to be that Bothwell and other lords killed Darnley, and then the other lords pinned the blame on Bothwell ''and'' Mary to justify deposing her.[[/note]] Consequently, there was a battle. Bothwell ran off to Denmark, hoping for sanctuary but ending his days chained to a pillar in a dungeon -- he'd forgotten about the time he'd jilted the Danish King's cousin at the altar.

Mary was forced to abdicate in favor of her infant son, then went to England and threw herself on Elizabeth's "mercy" which, in this case, was almost non-existent; having been in the same situation herself - having to rely on the monarch for mercy - Elizabeth was taking no chances on someone being the threat to her that ''she'' had been (however unwillingly) to her half-sister. But Elizabeth was initially willing enough to shelter her cousin; some historians believe that she had genuine sympathy for Mary's plight, being twice widowed, forced away from her child, and unable to return to her beloved homeland. Mary was kin, after all, and an anointed queen just like Elizabeth herself. So at first, she consented to the arrangement, and from 1568 to 1586, Mary lived in what amounted to fancy jail. She was treated more like a visiting royal than a prisoner; she had books, good food, fresh air, and various luxuries, and was allowed to receive visitors. As she was kept in the custody of the Earl of Shrewsbury, one of Elizabeth's most loyal courtiers, Mary's "prisons" were his assorted castles and manors. Unfortunately...

** ''Series/TheWhitePrincess'' (2017), starring Creator/JodieComer (based on the titular novel) as Elizabeth of York and the early years of the first Tudor king's reign.

Enter UsefulNotes/JaneSeymourRoyalty. A staunch Roman Catholic, Jane was everything Anne was not -- quiet, placid, feminine, delicate, and blonde. (Henry was like that: every wife he chose was, in some way, the stark opposite of her predecessor.) Jane also refused to have sex with Henry until marriage, which didn't take very long: within months of Anne's last miscarriage, her enemies had her charged with adultery, incest, and treason.[[note]] Not witchcraft; that’s a rather stupid myth perpetuated by the Victorians. The early Tudors considered witchcraft a stupid peasant superstition.[[/note]] She was convicted despite the evidence being a laughable tissue of lies, and Henry (by now getting into the swing of this Supreme Head thing) annulled their marriage, and she was executed. In one last act of "kindness" to his former wife, Anne was beheaded by a professional executioner from France, who used a sword and made it quick.[[note]]This really ''was'' an act of kindness, though it hardly sounds like it. Being a headsman was a brutal occupation and one which didn't exactly do wonders for one's mental health. As such, the headsman would often drink heavily on the day of an execution, which could sometimes lead to an absolute bloodbath when the axe swings would ''miss''. Some executions took multiple swings before the head was severed from the body, by which point the victim would be practically mutilated. By getting Anne a master swordsman who could do the job with one clean stroke, Henry kept her from suffering too grievously. Nevertheless, the fact that this French executioner arrived as fast as he did suggests to historians that Henry had hired him way before Anne's set trial, further cementing the fact that Henry had committed to removing Anne regardless of whether she was innocent or not.[[/note]] Some historians suggest that Jane, rejecting gifts of money from Henry -- she reportedly kissed the letter he wrote and sent it ''and'' the purse of money that came with it back to the King, who was enraptured at her actions -- was more cunning than she outwardly portrayed herself to be, was playing the long game and, much like Anne, ''won.''

* The future Henry VII cameoed in the first episode of the first ''Series/{{Blackadder}}'' series. In this AlternateUniverse, he lost the Battle of Bosworth Field and went into hiding during Richard IV's reign. That same episode revealed he did eventually take the throne and [[SecretHistory erased most of Richard III's reign and all of Richard IV's reign from history]], but we do not find out how until the final episode of the series. [[spoiler: Edmund's friends accidentally poison the entire Yorkist line.]]