History Series / OneThousandWaysToDie

*** Unfortunately TruthInTelvevision for the Russian spy.

** "Suffer-Cated": A cyclist trying to get an edge over his competition uses an altitude tent to increase his red blood cell count, giving him more oxygen to burn while cycling. His dog,[[KickTheDog who's been deprived of food and water at the expense of the cyclist's training]], accidentally turns off the oxygen while getting his water bottle. The cyclist wakes up, panics from the lack of air, and falls door-down in his tent and suffocates to death.

* PsychoExGirlfriend - {{Yandere}}: Ashley from "Smoke Stalker", who stalked her ex-boyfriend Jared and his wife to the ''extreme''. She tried to break into their home when they were away in a trip... but when she does in through the chimney, she gets stuck and spends a ''week'' trapped there, [[AndIMustScream dying of a mix of of starvation, dehydration, and suffocation.]] YIKES.
* RagingStiffie: One of the effects of the venom of the Brazilian wandering spider (a.k.a. the Banana spider). In "Eeecto-phobia", a dude who gets bitten by it tries to use said stiffie to cheat on his girlfriend... then dies [[DeathBySex while having sex with a girl.]]

** "Who Ded?": Two female thieves posing as Hurricane Katrina relief workers in New Orleans get electrocuted by a severed power line under the water while attempting to rob a church.

** "Kung Pao Pow!!!": A greedy cremator steals from a corpse said to be of a man who died from a lightning strike. He wasn't hit by lightning, but by the undetonated warhead of a weather rocket. When the body was put in the cremation chamber, the warhead heated up and blew the door off of the oven, taking the cremator's head with it]]

* RagingStiffie: One of the effects of the venom of the Brazilian wandering spider (a.k.a. the Banana spider).

** ...And being fall-on-your-ass-drunk in both of the above instances.

** The magician and his lovely assistant doing the "catch a bullet in your teeth" act.
** The JerkAss banker using a pen gun while trying to foreclose on a military antique store dealer for not paying his mortgage.
** A teen smoker puts three cigarettes in a shotgun shell, loads it in a shotgun, and shoots his friend in the face to teach his friend a lesson in bumming cigarettes and not paying him back.
** An OverprotectiveDad scares his daughter's boyfriend by firing a blank revolver, then attempts to shoot himself in the head to prove that the gun doesn't have real bullets in it. The guy died from the pressure of the blast traveling down the barrel of the revolver and cracking him in the temple.

* SnarkySubtitles: When the warning at the start doesn't seem like enough, an idiot warning will scroll across the screen during the truly moronic deaths.
** Used to great effect in the story of the StrawFeminist who thought her lesbian lover's taser was a vibrator. A real-life feminist is shown, giving a detailed and sensible definition of what feminism is and what feminists believe...all the while, a caption reading, "[[BlahBlahBlah Blah...Blah...Blah...]]" scrolls across the screen.

* StuffBlowingUp: Several examples.

* FrickinLaserBeams: One death involves a CIA operative melting a terrorist's brain with an experimental laser rifle.

** A clown who doesn't take kindly to the "[[InsaneClownPosse Infernal Clown Posse]]" ruining the image of clowns goes to one of their concerts and tries to crash it, only to get electrocuted trying to unplug a large wire. ICP's response? "IN! YOUR! FACE!"

* BlandNameProduct: Funny Eddie's target, "Infernal Clown Posse". Oddly enough, they're played by the ''real'' InsaneClownPosse, a strange case of a group's name being changed for legal reasons and yet the real deal showing up anyway. (The Faygo they throw around is likewise only called "soda pop".)

* ThePeepingTom: "Blood Bath & Beyond" features a landlord who likes to drill holes in his walls and ceiling to watch the women in adjacent apartments, and is killed when water damage causes the ceiling to collapse and a bathtub to fall on him.

* PeepingTom: "Blood Bath & Beyond" features a landlord who likes to drill holes in his walls and ceiling to watch the women in adjacent apartments, and is killed when water damage causes the ceiling to collapse and a bathtub to fall on him.

** "Lawn of the Dead": (See ImpaledWithExtremePrejudice below.)

** "Succu-Offed": (See EyeScream above.)
** "Dead Eye": (See EyeScream above.)
** "Phone Boned": A texting addict who falls off the examination table during an acupuncture session when reaching for her phone and gets stabbed in the heart by one of the needles.
** "Offed the Hook": A survivalist trips in a ditch and gets stabbed in the throat by his own weapon.
** "Lawn Of The Dead": A group of stoners and cokeheads from the 1970s have a barbecue. One guy overuses lighter fluid on his barbecue, but doesn't burn to death. There's also a lot of drug abuse (cocaine, alcohol, and marijuana), a woman who drinks booze while pregnant, and a woman who sun bathes, despite the carcinogenic effects of the sun's UV rays, and still no one bites it. So, who dies in this segment? A guy playing lawn darts. He throws one in the air, and gets distracted by a woman flashing her breasts at him long enough not to notice that the dart he threw in the air came back down and pierced him through his skull.
** "Mary Lou Rectum": A gymnast, still bitter about losing her chance at being an Olympic star, dismounts off a trampoline and landed crotch-first on a parallel bar support. The force was enough to tear through her vaginal and rectal openings and she bled to death.
** "Par-gore": An obnoxious LeParkour expert jumps to a roof and lands neck-first on a pipe.
** "Scam Eye Am (Dead)": (See EyeScream above.)
** "Eye-Sick-Kill": (See EyeScream above.)

** "You Got Dead Male": Two pranksters drive around smashing mailboxes. However, they find one mailbox that didn't fly to the ground. They didn't realize it was reinforced with steel after the owner got sick of his mailbox being whacked. They stop so the guy can continue whacking at it and the bat breaks from all the force, causing a wooden shard to shoot to the wielder's chest.

** "Bull-Heavia": A Middle Eastern dictator with a secret obsession with America -- despite filming threats against the country -- gets jabbed in the heart with a miniature version of the Washington Monument after flying off his malfunctioning mechanical bull)
** "This Just In... My Chest": A blowhard news reporter gets an uprooted mailbox in the chest while reporting on a hurricane.

** "Lawn of the Dead": A group of stoners and cokeheads from the 1970s have a barbecue. One guy overuses lighter fluid on his barbecue, but doesn't burn to death. There's also a lot of drug abuse (cocaine, alcohol, and marijuana), a woman who drinks booze while pregnant, and a woman who sun bathes, despite the carcinogenic effects of the sun's UV rays, and still no one bites it. So, who dies in this segment? A guy playing lawn darts. He throws one in the air, and gets distracted by a woman flashing her breasts at him long enough not to notice that the dart he threw in the air came back down and pierced him through his skull.

* BoomHeadshot: Cranial perforation is not uncommon. People have had their heads filtered out by everything from guns to water nozzels and, yes, even FrikkinLaserBeams in one instance.

* ImpaledWithExtremePrejudice: Countless examples, including cacti (the story about the stoners who steal cacti), javelins (the JerkAss gym teacher showing his class how to throw a javelin; [[CrossesTheLineTwice with his class taking a camera phone picture of his corspe before running off]] -- [[AnachronismStew even though camera phones weren't around in 1993]]), acupuncture needles (a texting addict who falls off the examination table during an acupuncture session and gets stabbed in the heart by one of the needles [[TooDumbToLive because she couldn't go one minute without using her phone]]), meathooks (a survivalist trips in a ditch and gets stabbed in the throat by his own weapon), lawn darts (a coked-up drunk from the 1970s gets impaled in the head with one after getting distracted by a woman who went topless), parallel bar supports (a gymnast, still bitter about losing her chance at being an Olympic star, dismounts off a trampoline and landed crotch-first on a parallel bar support. The force was enough to tear through her vaginal and rectal openings and she bled to death), pipes (an obnoxious LeParkour expert jumps to a roof and lands neck-first on a pipe), wall-mounted coat hangers (a scam artist using the Nigerian prince Internet scam gets punctured in the eye and brain when one of his victims violently throws the door open in his revenge-fueled rage), icicles (a BadSanta who was fired for smoking weed and being a lech gets jabbed in the eye with an icicle after banging on the back door for his boss to let him in), reinforcing bars (a perv who likes to take upskirt photos gets jabbed with one by a clumsy construction worker 8 miles above him), miniature statues of the Washington Monument (a Middle Eastern dictator with a secret obsession with America -- despite filming threats against the country -- gets jabbed in the heart with one after flying off his malfunctioning mechanical bull), and mailboxes (a blowhard news reporter gets an uprooted mailbox in the chest while reporting on a hurricane).

** "Colon-Gross-Oppy": A woman competes with her male roomates in gross-out contests. She tries to one-up them in a farting contest by sticking a can of whipped cream in her bum to produce gas. Unfortunately, she dies from massive hemorrhaging.
* BaitAndSwitch: Some of the deaths seem to set up an obvious death, only to subvert it and feature a different kind of death.
** For example, one death has several Viet-Cong veterans play RussianRoulette to settle their argument over what's the best aphrodisiac. After all of them survive, they celebrate by stomping the ground...which triggers a land mine left over from the Vietnam War still in working condition (so to speak).

** The Goth girl from "Cult Evaded," whose religious fanatic foster parents and their friends subject her to a bizarre exorcism ritual because they mistake her interest in Goth for being possessed by Satan himself. At first, you think they and their lunatic friends are going to end up killing her in the process of "driving away the Devil," but in the end they all die from breathing the carbon monoxide fumes [[TooDumbToLive from the coal and incense they were burning in a closed tent]]...except for the girl, who had the fortune of being in a layer of fresh air near the ground. She managed to escape, not knowing or realizing that her foster parents are dead.
** A redneck survivalist takes a walk with a meat hook connected to a chain. Does he die electrocuting himself by throwing the hook onto a power line so he can poach electricity for his TV? Nope. Does he die from hanging himself while trying to lift an elk carcass? Nope. Does he die by [[EpicFail falling into a ditch and impailing his throat with the meat hook]]? Hell yeah.
** The FatBastard who frequented Chinese buffets ("Death of Sum Young Guy"). He almost chokes, but one of the restaurant staff members saves him. He ends up dying of a heart attack caused by an excess of [=MSG=] in his system.
** The redneck who ends up breaking his arm while cutting wood. Not one to spend his welfare money on something useful like a hospital visit, he makes his own cast. He uses a power saw to cut the cast off some time later and manages not to cut his arm open and bleed out in spectacular fashion. He still dies, though, because his improperly set bone cause bone marrow to seep into his bloodstream and give him an embolism.

** "Furdered": They actually show two different ways he could have died: by falling into a [[SpikesOfDoom spiked pit]] and getting a bear trap to the face. He actually dies when another hunter mistakes him for a game animal because of the pelts he was wearing.
** "Onesie & Donesie": An accident-prone host of a home shopping program manages to avoid death by having a folding ladder fall out from under him and having a piece of a samurai sword's blade break off and hit him in the chest, only to burn to death when a onesie he's wearing catches fire on a scented candle.

** The asshole son of an exec tries to put on a motivational seminar for the company's employees. During a round of sumo wrestling in fat suits, one worker, whom he let fall during a trust exercise when he was supposed to catch her, knocks him out of the ring and down a cliff. He managed to survive unscathed...at least until he got hit by a car.

** Two men practice a backyard wrestling routine. Among other things, this includes staple guns, fluorescent lights, and weed whackers being used to inflict pain on the other. One might expect the second wrestler to die from having his chest sliced with a weed whacker. Turns out the man who tried to slice his partner with the weed whacker dies because he was beaten with fluorescent lights, which contain mercury vapor that entered the first man's body through his nose and through the staple wounds on his chest.

** A college chick [[DistractedByTheSexy distracts her lab partner]], who ends up combining hydrochloric acid and ammonia, causing the resulting vapors to [[EyeScream fuse her contacts to her eyes]]. Instead of dying from the vapors (which are pretty lethal in real life), she slips on a waxed floor trying to get to a nearby eye-washing station, and slams into a wall, breaking her neck.

** "Smother In Law"- It is heavily implied that the obese and abusive mother-in-law, who was ultimately crushed by a falling fridge, was about to be stabbed and murdered by her flustered, knife-wielding daughter-in-law after slapping her only moments before.
** "In Farm's Way" featured a a pair of teen delinquents who did work release on a farm. One nearly kills his buddy by throwing a pitchfork into a bale of hay, narrowly missing him. He then starts playing with a captive bolt pistol, thinking it is a milk pump for cows and almost shoots the farmer's daughter with it before using it on himself.
** "Somewhere Over The Railing"- A girl tries to prank her roommate into sitting on a chair with an unopened airbag hidden in it. The other girl is wise to her friend's ways and declines, resulting in the prankster being pushed into the chair herself and launched to the floor--from the top of a stairwell.
** "Pimp My Death" A cheating husband is nearly beaten to a pulp by the pimp of the hooker he intended to have sex with but refused to pay. Said hooker ends up busting her head open on the bathroom sink during the tussle.
** "Frost-Dead" A fraudulent cryopreserver (someone who preserves bodies cryogenically in the hope of thawing and revitalizing them) narrowly avoids being sprayed by liquid nitrogen, but still dies from breathing in the nitrogen gas.

* BloodierAndGorier: The deaths have become more graphic, such as a man getting disemboweled from a nail hidden in a tarp while using said tarp as a Slip-N-Slide, a teasing woman getting sliced in half by a concrete saw, a couple of pierced kissers getting decapitated by a forklift as they're driving, and a man first getting a candiru up his penis before being eaten by piranhas. Not to mention a guy who gets his rectum blown off after [[TooDumbToLive smuggling a grenade up his ass]].

* CheatersNeverProsper: An amatuer motocross racer, vindictive after having lost to her rival, tries to sabatoge her by sticking a bolt into her bike's chain. It works all to well: the chain snaps off, only to hit the cheater in the neck and slice her throat.

* DeadlyGas: Many types of deadly gas have been featured in the show:

** "Gorgeous Gorge": a bulimic supermodel's stomach ruptures during her ritual of binging and purging in a hotel room.

** "Death of Sum Young Guy": A [[FatBastard glutton]] eats at so many all-you-can-eat Chinese buffets that he has a high content of [=MSG=] build up in his body, causing him to have a heart attack.

** "A Trip To The Maul": A cheating husband goes blind from vasocongestion after having sex with his mistress. He wanders around in confusion and literally walks right into a brown bear.

*** Same deal with the woman who got phony butt implants so she can get with a rapper and suffered an embolism from the bathroom caulk going through her body. The only thing she did wrong was not go to a legitimate plastic surgeon.

* EyeScream: Enough to make you want to wear goggles.
** An arrogant gym teacher who throws a javelin and ends up getting it through his eye.
** A fugitive stuck in a pipe whose eye is eaten alive by rats.
** A stoner runs into a cactus and gets speared in the eye.
** A Japanese-American street racer in "Samurai Death Squad" who gets a lance through his eye.
** A chemistry student determined to screw her way to an easy grade by seducing the class genius has her contacts fused to her eyeballs after performing an [[TooDumbToLive experiment without wearing goggles]]. She then spends the last few minutes of her life running around in blind panic (pardon the pun) before slipping on a wax floor and breaking her neck.
** A Nigerian scam artist gets found out and hides behind a door with a coat hook on it. Enter the angry scam victim, who shoves open the door and guess what's hanging on the coat hook when the door swings the other way.
** A lecherous stoner mall Santa who got fired for sexually harassing his female elf workers gets an icicle to the eye.

* FartsOnFire: "Work of Fart," where a college student training for a fraternity farting contest accidentally sets his coach on fire by letting one rip near an open flame.
** "Gass Hole," in which a proctologist using a cauterizer (a device that uses heat to seal or open wounds without drawing blood) has his lungs burned when the patient accidentally lets one out.

** Also happens to a pothead who went on a joyride and got bisected on some rope tied to his waist in "Forked Up."

* HighPressureBlood: If a blood vessel is severed, there's a good chance it's going to spray blood like a fountain. If it's the jugular vein or coratid artery, this is a certainty.

* Snarky Subtitles: When the warning at the start doesn't seem like enough, an idiot warning will scroll across the screen during the truly moronic deaths.

* YourHeadASplode: A lowlife running from the cops after stealing a sack of groceries from a blind pregnant woman gets himself locked inside a car wash. The manager, not knowing someone was in there, turned on the machinery and the hapless crook became disoriented from being sprayed and buffeted by the array of hoses and spinning brushes. He finally stumbles backward and impales the back of his skull on a high pressure water nozzle...with messy results.

** An immature prankster blinds a driver with a mirror, causing the car to hit a fire hydrant. The hydrant flies off...and ''through'' the man's head, pasting what little brain he had over the wall of his house.

** "Heart On": The man who electrocuted himself after using [[{{Squick}} a cow's heart]] hooked up to A [[TooDumbToLive WALL SOCKET]] as a sex toy.

** "Tenta-Killed": An old-fashioned Korean father, in an attempt to dissuade a Korean-American boy from dating his daughter, swallows a live octopus whole. (ItMakesSenseInContext). The octopus's suction cups [[{{Squick}} latch onto his throat, suffocating him.]]

* GagBoobs: A temp worker who decides to become a stripper after realizing she'll never be an actress gets a sub-par boob job and boards a plane... [[{{Gorn}} It's n]][[{{Squick}} ot pretty]].

* TearOffYourFace: A dimwit falls face-first into a snow plow he's warming up. [[{{Squick}} It is not pretty.]]

** "Suffer-Cated": A cyclist trying to get an edge over his competition uses an altitude tent to increase his red blood cell count, giving him more oxygen to burn while cycling. His dog ([KickTheDog whom he mistreats]), accidentally turns off the oxygen while getting his water bottle. The cyclist wakes up, panics from the lack of air, and falls door-down in his tent and suffocates to death.

* DrivenToSuicide: A lackluster Japanese rockstar ([[CallBack from the same band as the one featured in "Coffin To Death"]]) commits seppuku.

** "Down With The Clown": A children's party clown out to stop Infernal Clown Posse (played by the actual members of RealLife band Insane Clown Posse) from ruining the reputation of clowns everywhere crashes one of ICP's concerts and gets hit in the head with a bottle of soda. You'd think that would directly kill him, but no. The soda did contribute to his death (soda has sodium in it, which makes water conducive to electricity, as proven when the birthday party clown tries to unplug ICP's speakers, and gets electrocuted since he was still drenched in soda).