History Quotes / FetishRetardant

->''"When sexy becomes annoying!"''
-->-- '''Crow T. Robot''', ''Series/MysteryScienceTheater3000'', on ''Film/TheGirlInGoldBoots''

->''"When sexy becomes annoying!"''
-->-- '''Crow T. Robot''', ''Series/MysteryScienceTheater3000'', on ''Film/TheGirlInGoldBoots''

->''"When sexy becomes annoying"''

-->-- '''WebVideo/HonestTrailers''', on ''Film/TheRoom'' (and later, ''Film/{{Showgirls}}'')

->''"This show is to regular {{ecchi}} what eldritch texts are to self-help books. I'm pretty sure that if you tried using this for its intended purpose, your dong would come out the other end looking like a Creator/JunjiIto creation."''

-->-- '''WebVideo/MothersBasement''' on ''LightNovel/MySisterMyWriter''

->The most important thing you need to know before reading about all the terrible things Creator/RobLiefeld has drawn is that he has never seen or talked to a woman in his life and has no idea what they look like or how their bodies operate. If you asked Rob Liefeld to draw a diagram of the uterus he'd put on a pair of gauntlets and punch the shit out of your chalkboard. This is how the man operates, and though I know it sounds like a lot, you have to believe me. I don't want you looking at the stuff he's drawing and think he's a conscious adult male with a creative job who can and has influenced the minds of young artists. The man is a pair of blue jeans with a face. He has on a backwards cap, and when he turns it around, it's still backwards. Got it? Okay. The #40 spot is a catch-all for "any time Rob Liefeld has ever drawn a woman." We get more specific from here, but if we didn't lump these together the entire list would be broken spines and colossal hooters.\\
\\
I genuinely feel these are mistakes.\\
\\

->''"Hoo boy. Yes, that is ComicBook/NormanOsborn dirty dancing with Gwen Stacy. Yes, that is Norman's O-face. Yes, Norman is too evil for rubbers...The most depressing part of this incident wasn't its [[CerebusRetcon necrophiliac treatment]] of the Silver Age of Comics. No, it's that ''ComicBook/OneMoreDay'' didn't exile any of this dolorous twaddle into retcon oblivion."''
-->--'''Cyriaque Damar''' on ''ComicBook/JMSSpiderMan''

->''"Have you ever wanted to read a comic where Spider-Man's kindly Aunt May and Uncle Ben just go at it over the course of one hot, horny summer? If you said yes, then thanks for reading [this article] Creator/MarkMillar, because '''you are the only one'''."''
-->-- '''''[=ComicsAlliance=]''''', [[http://comicsalliance.com/the-15-worst-comics-of-the-decade/ "The 15 Worst Comics of the Decade"]], on ''ComicBook/{{Trouble}}''

->''"It eventually escalates to an eye-roller of a seduction scene that involves [[EroticEating Vincent showing Mary how to make gnocchi]], and if you enjoy that particular dish as I do, never watch this sequence."''
-->-- '''Website/TheAgonyBooth''' [[http://www.agonybooth.com/movies/Godfather_Franchise.aspx?Page=2 on]] ''Film/TheGodfatherPartIII''

->''"The boobie prize has to go hands down to Creator/MaeWest who at 77 years old was still playing [[GloryDays the sex goddess who beds everyone]]. This is like when Music/TomJones still thought he "had it" and released "Sex Bomb" as a single. No one bought it, and no one buys the [[Series/TalesFromTheCrypt Cryptkeeper]]-like West as some temptress. In fact the idea of her and [[Series/MagnumPI Thomas Magnum]] getting it on makes me throw up a little in my mouth."''
-->-- '''[[WebVideo/TheSpoonyExperiment Miles Antwiler]]''' [[http://moviemoses.wordpress.com/2010/03/15/myra-breckinridge-1970-michael-sarne/ on]] ''Film/MyraBreckinridge''

->''"''[[Film/JagArNyfiken I Am Curious (Yellow)]] ''is not merely not erotic. It is anti-erotic. Two hours of this movie will drive thoughts of sex out of your mind for weeks. See the picture and buy twin beds."''
-->-- '''Creator/RogerEbert'''

->''"Who knows if it will be his real jizz face or if it's just him cringing at himself for actually signing up for that shit."''
-->-- '''[[http://dlisted.com/2015/01/21/night-crumbs-271/ Michael K.]]''' on Creator/JamieDornan, ''Film/FiftyShadesOfGrey''

->''"Jesus Christ, this scene is like finding out [[Franchise/ANightmareOnElmStreet Freddy Krueger]] is gonna be your urologist."''
-->-- '''[[WebVideo/RedLetterMedia Mr. Plinkett]]''', ''Film/StarTrekVTheFinalFrontier'' rifftrack

[[folder:On Live-Action TV]]
->''"Oh my word. Watching a fake Deanna Troi seductively stroking Picard’s chest hair is not what I imagined I would see whilst eating my breakfast this morning."''
-->-- '''[[http://docohobigfinish.blogspot.com/2013/11/tng-season-four.html Joe Ford]]''' on ''Series/StarTrekTheNextGeneration'', "[[Recap/StarTrekTheNextGenerationS4E13DevilsDue Devil's Due]]"

->''"With the possible exception of the original ''[[Series/StarTrekTheOriginalSeries Star Trek]]'', the franchise has never really figured out how to make “sexy” work...The result was pretty people pawing each other in [[UnnaturallyBlueLighting creepy blue lighting.]]"''
-->-- '''[[http://them0vieblog.com/2015/04/07/star-trek-enterprise-a-night-in-sickbay-review/ Darren Mooney]]''' on ''Series/StarTrekEnterprise'', "[[Recap/StarTrekEnterpriseS02E05ANightInSickbay A Night in Sickbay]]"

->''"AWW! Aww, no-- no. No [[BarelyThereSwimwear fringe coming out of the butt.]] That's... ''(sigh)'' that's just unfortunate."''
-->-- '''Creator/AllisonPregler''', ''Series/{{Baywatch}}'' pilot

[[folder:On Music]]
->''"Yes. Worse than [[Music/TheBlackEyedPeas "My Humps"]]. The king has been dethroned. There was a time when I was blessedly ignorant about what to do with that big fat butt, but those days are over."''
-->-- '''WebVideo/ToddInTheShadows''' on Music/JasonDerulo's "Wiggle" ("Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2014")

[[folder:On Video Games]]
->''"With the stone-age graphics of the [Atari] 2600, there really was no point in trying to make erotic games.'' Custer's Revenge ''looks less like sex and more like a couple slow dancing at a social for birth defected sea horses."''
-->-- '''{{Creator/Seanbaby}}''', [[http://www.seanbaby.com/nes/nes/egm09.htm "The 20 Worst Video Games of All Time"]]

->''"This game really disturbs me. But I don't get it! Is this supposed to be erotic? I don't know about you, but I'm not AT ALL turned on by [[ItMakesSenseInContext some old wrinkly shitty witch titties]]. [[{{Squick}} That's fuckin' nasty, man]]! What sick fuck came up with this? What were they thinking?"''
-->-- '''WebVideo/TheAngryVideoGameNerd''', on ''Philly Flasher'' in his ''Atari Porn'' review
[[/folder]]

[[folder:On Real Life]]
->''"This was actually the greatest accomplishment of Harding's career. Hospitals still use the Tonya Harding sex tape when they need to pump several stomachs at once."''
-->-- '''{{Creator/Seanbaby}}''', [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/7-athletes-who-had-more-crazy-than-talent/#ixzz33B6lIpHL "7 Athletes Who Had More Crazy Than Talent"]]

->''"Don’t worry, you’re not the only one who is getting a case of the uncomfortables after looking at Music/MileyCyrus in adult baby drag. I’m sure even Pedobear was like ''“Okay, that’s enough internet for today”'' before shutting his laptop and whipping it out the window."''
-->-- '''''[[http://dlisted.com/2015/12/12/miley-cyrus-dressed-like-a-giant-horny-baby-for-her-new-video-because-of-course-she-is/ DListed]]''''', "Miley Cyrus Dressed Like A Giant Horny Baby For Her New Video, Because Of Course She Did"

->''"And for the record, can you tell me the exact moment in your life where it all went wrong? I just want to make sure I never get to the point where naked pics of Nic Cage give me the vapors."''
-->-- '''[[http://dlisted.com/2013/11/13/things-that-should-not-exist-ever-nicolas-cage-sex-pics/ Michael K.]]''', "Things That Should Not Exist Ever: Creator/NicolasCage Sex Pics"

->''"[[NauseaFuel I feel really weird right now]]. [[SickAndWrong This is wrong]]. [[AllMenArePerverts Usually I'd be like]] '[[{{Squee}} YEAAAAH!]]' but I'm like '[[BrainBleach No, um, no]]...'"''
-->-- '''LetsPlay/ChipCheezum''''s ''WebVideo/{{Retsupurae}}'' video [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OlC0eJ6m-1M "Yowie wowie!!!"]], wherein he [[GirlOnGirlIsHot watches two hot girls make out]] [[spoiler: [[{{Cosplay}} while dressed up]] [[YaoiFangirl as]] [[Manga/{{Naruto}} Naruto and Sasuke]]]]

->''"It's sort of like getting to second base for the first time only to discover your girlfriend has PEPPERONI NIPPLES and sure, let's keep going but I'm not going to be storing this in the [[PornStash SPANK BANK]]."''
-->-- '''WebVideo/RegularCarReviews''', [[https://youtu.be/FSgZGOCyYcY?t=250 on the 1991 BMW E30 318i]]
[[/folder]]

->''"Have you ever wanted to read a comic where Spider-Man’s kindly Aunt May and Uncle Ben just go at it over the course of one hot, horny summer? If you said yes, then thanks for reading [this article] Creator/MarkMillar, because '''you are the only one'''."''

->''"The boobie prize has to go hands down to Creator/MaeWest who at 77 years old was still playing [[GloryDays the sex goddess who beds everyone]]. This is like when Tom Jones still thought he “had it” and released "Sex Bomb" as a single. No one bought it, and no one buys the [[Series/TalesFromTheCrypt Cryptkeeper]]-like West as some temptress. In fact the idea of her and Thomas Magnum getting it on makes me throw up a little in my mouth."''

->''"Who knows if it will be his real jizz face or if it’s just him cringing at himself for actually signing up for that shit."''
-->-- '''[[http://dlisted.com/2015/01/21/night-crumbs-271/ Michael K.]]''' on Jamie Dornan, ''Film/FiftyShadesOfGrey''

->''"...but, for me personally, when pregnancy is brought into a sexy story in ''any way'', I feel my libido leaving my body like Tilda Swinton has open palms slapped it out of me and it's entering the spirit world."''

-->-- '''[[http://docohobigfinish.blogspot.com/2013/11/tng-season-four.html Joe Ford]]''' on ''Series/StarTrekTheNextGeneration'', "Devil's Due"

-->-- '''[[http://them0vieblog.com/2015/04/07/star-trek-enterprise-a-night-in-sickbay-review/ Darren Mooney]]''' on ''Series/StarTrekEnterprise'', "A Night in Sickbay"

-->-- '''WebVideo/ToddInTheShadows''' on Jason Derulo's "Wiggle" ("Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2014")

->''"Editorial disliked the notion of Peter Parker having fathered children out of wedlock, but were just fine with the idea provided the father was changed to the nefarious ComicBook/NormanOsborn. Also, it resulted in the following artwork being drawn, and I’m sure you’ll agree the entire world would’ve been [[TheImmodestOrgasm better off without it ever existing.]]"''
-->-- '''Blog/ToplessRobot''' on ''[[ComicBook/JMSSpiderMan Sins Past]]'', "[[http://www.toplessrobot.com/2008/11/the_12_dumbest_spiderman_stories_ever_besides_the.php?page=2 The 12 Dumbest Spider-Man Stories Ever]] (Besides ComicBook/TheCloneSaga)"

[[AC:Newspapers]]
->''"''[[Film/JagArNyfiken I Am Curious (Yellow)]] ''is not merely not erotic. It is anti-erotic. Two hours of this movie will drive thoughts of sex out of your mind for weeks. See the picture and buy twin beds."''
-->-- '''Creator/RogerEbert'''

->The most important thing you need to know before reading about all the terrible things Rob Liefeld has drawn is that he has never seen or talked to a woman in his life and has no idea what they look like or how their bodies operate. If you asked Rob Liefeld to draw a diagram of the uterus he'd put on a pair of gauntlets and punch the shit out of your chalkboard. This is how the man operates, and though I know it sounds like a lot, you have to believe me. I don't want you looking at the stuff he's drawing and think he's a conscious adult male with a creative job who can and has influenced the minds of young artists. The man is a pair of blue jeans with a face. He has on a backwards cap, and when he turns it around, it's still backwards. Got it? Okay. The #40 spot is a catch-all for "any time Rob Liefeld has ever drawn a woman." We get more specific from here, but if we didn't lump these together the entire list would be broken spines and colossal hooters.\\

[[AC:Live-action TV]]

[[AC:Web Original]]

->''"This was actually the greatest accomplishment of Harding's career. Hospitals still use the Tonya Harding sex tape when they need to pump several stomachs at once."''
-->-- '''{{Creator/Seanbaby}}''', [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/7-athletes-who-had-more-crazy-than-talent/#ixzz33B6lIpHL "7 Athletes Who Had More Crazy Than Talent"]]

->''"Don’t worry, you’re not the only one who is getting a case of the uncomfortables after looking at Music/MileyCyrus in adult baby drag. I’m sure even Pedobear was like ''“Okay, that’s enough internet for today”'' before shutting his laptop and whipping it out the window."''
-->-- '''''[[http://dlisted.com/2015/12/12/miley-cyrus-dressed-like-a-giant-horny-baby-for-her-new-video-because-of-course-she-is/ DListed]]''''', "Miley Cyrus Dressed Like A Giant Horny Baby For Her New Video, Because Of Course She Did"

->''"And for the record, can you tell me the exact moment in your life where it all went wrong? I just want to make sure I never get to the point where naked pics of Nic Cage give me the vapors."''
-->-- '''[[http://dlisted.com/2013/11/13/things-that-should-not-exist-ever-nicolas-cage-sex-pics/ Michael K.]]''', "Things That Should Not Exist Ever: Creator/NicolasCage Sex Pics"

-->-- '''''Website/TheAgonyBooth''''' [[http://www.agonybooth.com/movies/Godfather_Franchise.aspx?Page=2 on]] ''Film/TheGodfatherPartIII''

->''"No, the true Wrestling/WrestleMania moments can’t be manufactured; they have to occur organically. Moments like Creator/MariaMenounos’s spray-tan skid mark."''
-->-- '''''{{Website/Wrestlecrap}}''''', [[http://www.wrestlecrap.com/inductions/18-seconds/ "Sheamus Vs. Daniel Bryan - How long should this world title last? LOL, I'll pretend you said 18 seconds"]]

->''"Editorial disliked the notion of Peter Parker having fathered children out of wedlock, but were just fine with the idea provided the father was changed to the nefarious ComicBook/NormanOsborn. Also, it resulted in the following artwork being drawn, and I’m sure you’ll agree the entire world would’ve been [[TheImmodestOrgasm better off without it ever existing.]]"''
-->-- '''''Blog/ToplessRobot''''' on ''[[ComicBook/JMSSpiderMan Sins Past]]'', "[[http://www.toplessrobot.com/2008/11/the_12_dumbest_spiderman_stories_ever_besides_the.php?page=2 The 12 Dumbest Spider-Man Stories Ever]] (Besides ComicBook/TheCloneSaga)"

->''"Have you ever wanted to read a comic where Spider-Man’s kindly Aunt May and Uncle Ben just go at it over the course of one hot, horny summer? If you said yes, then thanks for reading [this article] Creator/MarkMillar, because '''you are the only one'''."''
-->-- '''''[=ComicsAlliance=]''''', [[http://comicsalliance.com/the-15-worst-comics-of-the-decade/ "The 15 Worst Comics of the Decade"]], on ''ComicBook/{{Trouble}}''

->''"With the stone-age graphics of the [Atari] 2600, there really was no point in trying to make erotic games.'' Custer's Revenge ''looks less like sex and more like a couple slow dancing at a social for birth defected sea horses."''
-->-- '''{{Creator/Seanbaby}}''', [[http://www.seanbaby.com/nes/nes/egm09.htm "The 20 Worst Video Games of All Time"]]

[[AC:Web Video]]

->''" Yes. Worse than [[Music/TheBlackEyedPeas "My Humps"]]. The king has been dethroned. There was a time when I was blessedly ignorant about what to do with that big fat butt, but those days are over."''
-->-- '''WebVideo/ToddInTheShadows''' on Jason Derulo's "Wiggle" ("Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2014")

->''"[[NauseaFuel I feel really weird right now]]. [[SickAndWrong This is wrong]]. [[AllMenArePerverts Usually I'd be like]] '[[{{Squee}} YEAAAAH!]]' but I'm like '[[BrainBleach No, um, no]]...'"''
-->-- '''LetsPlay/ChipCheezum''''s ''WebVideo/{{Retsupurae}}'' video [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OlC0eJ6m-1M "Yowie wowie!!!"]], wherein he [[GirlOnGirlIsHot watches two hot girls make out]] [[spoiler: [[{{Cosplay}} while dressed up]] [[YaoiFangirl as]] [[Manga/{{Naruto}} Naruto and Sasuke]]]]

->''"Jesus Christ, this scene is like finding out [[Franchise/ANightmareOnElmStreet Freddy Krueger]] is gonna be your urologist."''
-->-- '''[[WebVideo/RedLetterMedia Mr. Plinkett]]''', ''Film/StarTrekVTheFinalFrontier'' rifftrack

->'''Mike''': ''California Big Hunks'' is the most sexually off-putting thing you'll ever seen. Like, why is that guy dressed like Music/MichaelJackson in the rubble of a castle? None of these things are erotic.
->'''Jack''': [[InsaneTrollLogic Aliens made the tape]], distributed it, and then observed the humans watching it to see how close they got to capturing the human experience.
->'''Rich Evans''': "Their culture does not find dirty swamps romantic? [[BigWhat WHAAAAAAT!?!]]"
->'''Jay''': So [''this softcore pornographic video''] is actually an educational video. [[DamningWithFaintPraise Not for us, but for aliens.]] Somewhere.
-->-- '''WebVideo/BestOfTheWorst''', on ''[[{{Eagleland}} California]] [[MrFanservice Big]] [[{{Hunk}} Hunks]]''

-->-- '''WebVideo/TheAngryVideoGameNerd''', on ''Philly Flasher'' in his ''Atari Porn'' review.

->''"Do you like sex? Well, not for long!"''
-->-- '''WebVideo/HonestTrailers''', on ''Film/TheRoom'' (and later, ''Film/{{Showgirls}}'')

->'''Mike''': ''"California Big Hunks" is the most sexually off-putting thing you'll ever seen. Like, why is that guy dressed like Music/MichaelJackson in the rubble of a castle? None of these things are erotic.''
->'''Jack''': ''[[InsaneTrollLogic Aliens made the tape]], distributed it, and then observed the humans watching it to see how close they got to capturing the human experience.''
->'''Rich Evans''': ''"Their culture does not find dirty swamps romantic? [[BigWhat WHAAAAAAT!?!]]''
->'''Jay''': ''So [this softcore pornographic video] is actually an educational video. [[DamningWithFaintPraise Not for us, but for aliens.]] Somewhere.''
-->-- '''WebVideo/BestoftheWorst''', on ''[[{{Eagleland}} California]] [[MrFanservice Big]] [[{{Hunk}} Hunks]]''

[[AC:Literature]

->''"I attempted to draw the sexiest babes I could, but they came out looking absurd."