History Quotes / BadMovieBeatdown

17th Mar '16 5:30:24 AM bobpiecheese
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->''"[[Film/{{Cobra}} This]] is so completely ridiculous, it's hysterical! No cliche or left-wing stereotype is left untouched; the product placement is shameless and intrusive, the violence is completlely gratuitous, and the plot is farfetched, even by [[Creator/SylvesterStallone Stallone]]'s standards. The whole thing feels cheap and sleazy, and has aged badly. So, all in all, this is Stallone's '''Film/{{Commando}}''', except it takes itself so damn seriously, that it makes it even funnier!"''

to:

->''"[[Film/{{Cobra}} This]] is so completely ridiculous, it's hysterical! No cliche or left-wing stereotype is left untouched; the product placement is shameless and intrusive, the violence is completlely completely gratuitous, and the plot is farfetched, even by [[Creator/SylvesterStallone Stallone]]'s standards. The whole thing feels cheap and sleazy, and has aged badly. So, all in all, this is Stallone's '''Film/{{Commando}}''', except it takes itself so damn seriously, that it makes it even funnier!"''



->''"'''Film/{{Driven}}''' needs to be put on the hard shoulder. Yes, it's commendable that [[Creator/SylvesterStallone Stallone]] made himself a supporting player in his own movie, but [[DesignatedHero Kip Pardue]] is a [[{{Narm}} charmisa black hole from which there is no escape]]. [[TheScrappy The characters are not developed or likeable enough]], and the races are ludicrous! There's so many damn crashes, and they're all so overdone, it is nothing short of hilarious! And if that's not bad enough for race fans, it's filled with glaring inaccuracies. The special effects in this movie are atrocious! '''Driven''' makes '''Film/DaysOfThunder''' look like '''Film/LeMans'''."''

to:

->''"'''Film/{{Driven}}''' needs to be put on the hard shoulder. Yes, it's commendable that [[Creator/SylvesterStallone Stallone]] made himself a supporting player in his own movie, but [[DesignatedHero Kip Pardue]] is a [[{{Narm}} charmisa charisma black hole from which there is no escape]]. [[TheScrappy The characters are not developed or likeable enough]], and the races are ludicrous! There's so many damn crashes, and they're all so overdone, it is nothing short of hilarious! And if that's not bad enough for race fans, it's filled with glaring inaccuracies. The special effects in this movie are atrocious! '''Driven''' makes '''Film/DaysOfThunder''' look like '''Film/LeMans'''."''



->''"I'm going to put this briefly, because I've said everything I wanted to say already. [[Film/GoodLuckChuck This]] is a hateful sexist movie that operates in a complete moral vacuum that is painfully unfunny, largely due to the smug overracted performance of Creator/DaneCook, who fails to be likeable. The sex is a coarse and uncomfortable fit with the mean-spirited slapstick comedy, and the script is astonishingly dumb. Dan Fogler delivers the worst comic performance I've ever seen. I '''hated''' this offensively terrible movie! The fact that this got made in 2007 is frankly astonishing."''

to:

->''"I'm going to put this briefly, because I've said everything I wanted to say already. [[Film/GoodLuckChuck This]] is a hateful sexist movie that operates in a complete moral vacuum that is painfully unfunny, largely due to the smug overracted overacted performance of Creator/DaneCook, who fails to be likeable. The sex is a coarse and uncomfortable fit with the mean-spirited slapstick comedy, and the script is astonishingly dumb. Dan Fogler delivers the worst comic performance I've ever seen. I '''hated''' this offensively terrible movie! The fact that this got made in 2007 is frankly astonishing."''



->''"Not that dignity is a thing that anyone escapes with in [[Film/WhenInRome this movie]]. The movie's basically written like a cartoon, with these broad one-note characters who do stupid things repeatedly '''over and over again''', when it often doesn't make any sense in context. [[WhatTheHellCastingAgency This cast of talented comedians are both completely wasted and incredibly irritating]], and the film's idea of love and romance is startlingly naive, even by Hollywood's standards. The film shows clear signs that someone hacked it to pieces, trying to salvage it, but there is nothing to rescue but dusty old romcom cliches and dismal slapstick. Not even the charms of Creator/KristenBell could save it for me..."''

to:

->''"Not that dignity is a thing that anyone escapes with in [[Film/WhenInRome this movie]]. The movie's basically written like a cartoon, with these broad one-note characters who do stupid things repeatedly '''over and over again''', when it often doesn't make any sense in context. [[WhatTheHellCastingAgency This cast of talented comedians are both completely wasted and incredibly irritating]], and the film's idea of love and romance is startlingly naive, even by Hollywood's standards. The film shows clear signs that someone hacked it to pieces, trying to salvage it, but there is nothing to rescue but dusty old romcom cliches clichés and dismal slapstick. Not even the charms of Creator/KristenBell could save it for me..."''



->''"So that was '''Bear'''. It was completely un''bear''able. The characters are all completely unlikable sacks of shit who lie, cheat, and betray each other. The bear ends up being the most likable character. The characters constantly make stupid, implausible decisions because the script is dumb and repetitive; having to repeatedly engineer ways for why the characters haven't escaped the scenario. This culminates in a twist that is [[ShockingSwerve preposterous and nonsensical]], and I can't believe this extremely pretentious horror flick expects us to swallow such nonsense. On a technical level this movie completely falls apart, particularly because of their budget. It's almost like a crash-course on how not to make a film, and should be avoided because it's a total waste of time."''

to:

->''"So that was '''Bear'''. It was completely un''bear''able. The characters are all completely unlikable unlikeable sacks of shit who lie, cheat, and betray each other. The bear ends up being the most likable likeable character. The characters constantly make stupid, implausible decisions because the script is dumb and repetitive; having to repeatedly engineer ways for why the characters haven't escaped the scenario. This culminates in a twist that is [[ShockingSwerve preposterous and nonsensical]], and I can't believe this extremely pretentious horror flick expects us to swallow such nonsense. On a technical level this movie completely falls apart, particularly because of their budget. It's almost like a crash-course on how not to make a film, and should be avoided because it's a total waste of time."''



->''"'''Film/TheHappening''' is a bizarre film. It seems to have been made by an alien, because everything is so... off. The script is full of things that people would never say or do, acted unconvincingly by [[WhatTheHellCastingAgency mis-cast actors]] [[{{Narm}} delivering their worst performances ever]]. Creator/MarkWahlberg, with his soft voice, is completely humilated, and Creator/ZooeyDeschanel makes googly eyes throughout the whole film that make her look braindead. The science of the film is shoddy, but that's not surprising considering the green message of the film, which is laid on with no subtly or respect for the audience. '''"Man and Science is weak, and we should all respect the power of Nature and Love!"''' Its saving grace is being so incredibly unintentionally funny, because it's a ridiculous film approached with a po-faced seriousness, and lack of humour that is so gloriously pretentious. The film tries to make a comment on paranoia, but it just ends up becoming a farce. After this, [[Creator/MNightShyamalan M. Night]]'s descent into complete madness was sealed by his adaptation of the cartoon '''[[WesternAnimation/AvatarTheLastAirbender Avatar]]''' - not related to Creator/JamesCameron's [[Film/{{Avatar}} work]] obviously - into '''Film/TheLastAirbender''', which was critically panned and destroyed at the box office, putting his writer/director days to an end presently. He has since produced '''Film/{{Devil}}''', which, whilst mediocre, is certainly a step-up for a director who sums up once and for all, how the mighty can fall."''

to:

->''"'''Film/TheHappening''' is a bizarre film. It seems to have been made by an alien, because everything is so... off. The script is full of things that people would never say or do, acted unconvincingly by [[WhatTheHellCastingAgency mis-cast actors]] [[{{Narm}} delivering their worst performances ever]]. Creator/MarkWahlberg, with his soft voice, is completely humilated, humiliated, and Creator/ZooeyDeschanel makes googly eyes throughout the whole film that make her look braindead. The science of the film is shoddy, but that's not surprising considering the green message of the film, which is laid on with no subtly or respect for the audience. '''"Man and Science is weak, and we should all respect the power of Nature and Love!"''' Its saving grace is being so incredibly unintentionally funny, because it's a ridiculous film approached with a po-faced seriousness, and lack of humour that is so gloriously pretentious. The film tries to make a comment on paranoia, but it just ends up becoming a farce. After this, [[Creator/MNightShyamalan M. Night]]'s descent into complete madness was sealed by his adaptation of the cartoon '''[[WesternAnimation/AvatarTheLastAirbender Avatar]]''' - not related to Creator/JamesCameron's [[Film/{{Avatar}} work]] obviously - into '''Film/TheLastAirbender''', which was critically panned and destroyed at the box office, putting his writer/director days to an end presently. He has since produced '''Film/{{Devil}}''', which, whilst mediocre, is certainly a step-up for a director who sums up once and for all, how the mighty can fall."''



->''"'''[[Film/TheToothFairy Tooth Fairy]]''' is about as cheerful as a trip to the dentist, but at least the gas might make you laugh more than the film does. I'm probably going to have a dozen complaints from people saying I was too hard on it because it's a kid's film, and generally, I avoid doing them so I don't get criticised for that. But even still, it shouldn't be an excuse for laziness. They could've took their silly idea in interesting and playful directions, but they made it as mundane and boring as possible! The film's single joke dries up fast, and it ends up relying on their incredible cast to liven up non-existant material, and it ends up drowning in sub-plots. There's just no feeling of magic. They've made the fairy world into an accounting department that will bore kids. It looks heavily re-edited, but the most egregious thing is the blatant abuse of amnesia as a cheap "get out free" clause that shows massive disain for the audience. Again, this took '''five writers to come up with'''?! Oh, and seldom a date passes where someone on Twitter doesn't ask me whether I've heard of the InNameOnly sequel '''Tooth Fairy 2''' starring Creator/LarryTheCableGuy. Well, yes I have, and quite frankly, it makes me wake up in cold sweats just thinking about it. In short, this movie bites. [[DontExplainTheJoke Get it? 'Cause you bite down with your teeth and]]... Sorry."''

to:

->''"'''[[Film/TheToothFairy Tooth Fairy]]''' is about as cheerful as a trip to the dentist, but at least the gas might make you laugh more than the film does. I'm probably going to have a dozen complaints from people saying I was too hard on it because it's a kid's film, and generally, I avoid doing them so I don't get criticised for that. But even still, it shouldn't be an excuse for laziness. They could've took their silly idea in interesting and playful directions, but they made it as mundane and boring as possible! The film's single joke dries up fast, and it ends up relying on their incredible cast to liven up non-existant material, and it ends up drowning in sub-plots. There's just no feeling of magic. They've made the fairy world into an accounting department that will bore kids. It looks heavily re-edited, but the most egregious thing is the blatant abuse of amnesia as a cheap "get out free" clause that shows massive disain disdain for the audience. Again, this took '''five writers to come up with'''?! Oh, and seldom a date passes where someone on Twitter doesn't ask me whether I've heard of the InNameOnly sequel '''Tooth Fairy 2''' starring Creator/LarryTheCableGuy. Well, yes I have, and quite frankly, it makes me wake up in cold sweats just thinking about it. In short, this movie bites. [[DontExplainTheJoke Get it? 'Cause you bite down with your teeth and]]... Sorry."''



->''"You know, Wesley Snipes is actually right about a lot of [[Film/BladeTrinity this movie]]. David S. Goyer's script for the film is an absolute mess! A bunch of plot points thrown together and often forgotten about for long periods of time with frat boy humour only making things worse. The inclusion of the Nightstalkers, obviously intended to launch a spin-off, hinders the film due to their lack of credibilty, especially Creator/RyanReynolds, [[TheScrappy who I found insufferable]]. Goyer's direction is ropey, and the over-long running time isn't helped by [[{{Padding}} loads of minor scenes that they really just should've cut]]. The inclusion of {{Dracula}} is a disappointment, partly due to the bad writing, and partly due to the fact that Dominic Purcell is a completely charmisa-less block of muscle. Even the action is weak, and it's positively anemic compared to the [[Film/{{Blade}} other]] [[Film/BladeII two]] films. But Snipes himself deserves blame too; his central perfomance brims with obvious disdain for the film, and whilst it wouldn't have been good even on his A-game, he ends up making the film implode around him. Clearly aimed at a younger mainstream audience, '''Blade: Trinity''' is a failure of a climax for fans of two otherwise decent films in this [[Film/BladeTrilogy series]]."''

to:

->''"You know, Wesley Snipes is actually right about a lot of [[Film/BladeTrinity this movie]]. David S. Goyer's script for the film is an absolute mess! A bunch of plot points thrown together and often forgotten about for long periods of time with frat boy humour only making things worse. The inclusion of the Nightstalkers, obviously intended to launch a spin-off, hinders the film due to their lack of credibilty, credibility, especially Creator/RyanReynolds, [[TheScrappy who I found insufferable]]. Goyer's direction is ropey, and the over-long running time isn't helped by [[{{Padding}} loads of minor scenes that they really just should've cut]]. The inclusion of {{Dracula}} is a disappointment, partly due to the bad writing, and partly due to the fact that Dominic Purcell is a completely charmisa-less charisma-less block of muscle. Even the action is weak, and it's positively anemic anaemic compared to the [[Film/{{Blade}} other]] [[Film/BladeII two]] films. But Snipes himself deserves blame too; his central perfomance performance brims with obvious disdain for the film, and whilst it wouldn't have been good even on his A-game, he ends up making the film implode around him. Clearly aimed at a younger mainstream audience, '''Blade: Trinity''' is a failure of a climax for fans of two otherwise decent films in this [[Film/BladeTrilogy series]]."''



->''"'''Film/GoneFishin''' never really aspired to be much, just a light buddy comedy that's inoffensive and innocent with an easy charm. I would say harmless, but I've watched it and it's anything but. [[DudeNotFunny This is comedy at its most painfully misfiring, and it goes wrong in every conceivable way]]. Creator/DannyGlover and Creator/JoePesci are, suffice to say, not a modern day Laurel and Hardy. In fact, they don't have much chemistry at all, with Pesci doing overed O-faces, and Glover being so relaxed, he's borderline sleepwalking, and that's before he literally does so due to the terrible material. Their rasping renders the dialogue barely intelligable, but most of it is endlessly repetitive, shouting each other's names at the end of every line, or name catchphrases, and that's when they're not setting up jokes that can be seen from space! In short, this film stinks like fish and should be thrown back, where it'll probably sink like a stone!"''

to:

->''"'''Film/GoneFishin''' never really aspired to be much, just a light buddy comedy that's inoffensive and innocent with an easy charm. I would say harmless, but I've watched it and it's anything but. [[DudeNotFunny This is comedy at its most painfully misfiring, and it goes wrong in every conceivable way]]. Creator/DannyGlover and Creator/JoePesci are, suffice to say, not a modern day Laurel and Hardy. In fact, they don't have much chemistry at all, with Pesci doing overed O-faces, and Glover being so relaxed, he's borderline sleepwalking, and that's before he literally does so due to the terrible material. Their rasping renders the dialogue barely intelligable, intelligible, but most of it is endlessly repetitive, shouting each other's names at the end of every line, or name catchphrases, and that's when they're not setting up jokes that can be seen from space! In short, this film stinks like fish and should be thrown back, where it'll probably sink like a stone!"''



->''"'''Film/INowPronounceYouChuckAndLarry''' is one of the most hypocritical films I've ever seen! This is a film that pays lip service to emoting acceptance of homosexuality and tolerance, but apparently is taking the time to learn that lesson itself. It consistently goes to cheap jokes aimed at the most common denominator at the expense of the very people it puports to help, and as a result, its racial, gender, and sexual politics all feel like they're at least thirty years out of date. It's downright shocking that this was made in 2007! There's no subversion, insight, or wit given to the subject matter, and the film patronises it to compensate. It's all the usual traits in [[Creator/AdamSandler Sandler]]'s work taken to their most offensive extreme. Whilst Kevin James is a likeable lead despite the woeful material, Adam Sandler is as most obnoxiously egotistical with his ladies' man persona feeling like a self-inserted fancy build on insecurity. There's very, very brief glimpses of a smarter film trying to escape, but that's too often snuffed out by tastelessness and deeply lackluster direction, and is way, way too long at nearly two hours! I often found '''Chuck and Larry''' to be deeply unpleasant, and even felt ashamed to be watching it at points. It's '''that''' bad!"''

to:

->''"'''Film/INowPronounceYouChuckAndLarry''' is one of the most hypocritical films I've ever seen! This is a film that pays lip service to emoting acceptance of homosexuality and tolerance, but apparently is taking the time to learn that lesson itself. It consistently goes to cheap jokes aimed at the most common denominator at the expense of the very people it puports purports to help, and as a result, its racial, gender, and sexual politics all feel like they're at least thirty years out of date. It's downright shocking that this was made in 2007! There's no subversion, insight, or wit given to the subject matter, and the film patronises it to compensate. It's all the usual traits in [[Creator/AdamSandler Sandler]]'s work taken to their most offensive extreme. Whilst Kevin James is a likeable lead despite the woeful material, Adam Sandler is as most obnoxiously egotistical with his ladies' man persona feeling like a self-inserted fancy build on insecurity. There's very, very brief glimpses of a smarter film trying to escape, but that's too often snuffed out by tastelessness and deeply lackluster direction, and is way, way too long at nearly two hours! I often found '''Chuck and Larry''' to be deeply unpleasant, and even felt ashamed to be watching it at points. It's '''that''' bad!"''



->''"'''Strange Wilderness''' is basically a celebration of stupid, ignorant people who are too lazy to even make an effort but still feel a sense of entitlement regardless. What little characterization there is, especially the two leads, is annoying and obnoxious. [[WhatTheHellCastingAgency And that's a shame because this is an actually fantastic cast but they're all terrible here]]. Even Steve Zahn resorts to shouting and overacting when he's not coasting, and it squanders his talent. But then again, you can't turn a sow's ear into a purse. Especially when large chunks are clearly improvised with no direction whatsoever. The whole thing looks and feels cheap and ugly, but somehow scenes run too long, even when the film itself barely scrapes 80 minutes. Even if it's a stoner comedy, this is poor stuff because the good ones in this subgenre, your '''{{Harold and Kumar}}s''' and '''[[Creator/CheechAndChong Cheeches and Chongs]]''' are genuinely funny and don't require to be baked to find them so. There's always that old trap of you're enjoying each other's companies so much that it doesn't rub off of the audience, and Justin Long hits that in his sort of defense of the film '''"The first few times I saw it, I loved it. And I don't often see movies that I've done multiple times, but I kept going. [...] And then I saw it once when I wasn't stoned and I was like, woah. This is a mess! This doesn't make a shred of sense! [...] But stoned it's the funniest, and I think I have so much love for it because it's the most fun I've ever had shooting."''' So does it deserve its 0%? It's really, really bad, but it's not quite the same level of agonizingly awful as, say, '''Film/FatSlags''' or '''Film/TheMasterOfDisguise'''. That doesn't mean I recommend the treck by any means."''

to:

->''"'''Strange Wilderness''' is basically a celebration of stupid, ignorant people who are too lazy to even make an effort but still feel a sense of entitlement regardless. What little characterization there is, especially the two leads, is annoying and obnoxious. [[WhatTheHellCastingAgency And that's a shame because this is an actually fantastic cast but they're all terrible here]]. Even Steve Zahn resorts to shouting and overacting when he's not coasting, and it squanders his talent. But then again, you can't turn a sow's ear into a purse. Especially when large chunks are clearly improvised with no direction whatsoever. The whole thing looks and feels cheap and ugly, but somehow scenes run too long, even when the film itself barely scrapes 80 minutes. Even if it's a stoner comedy, this is poor stuff because the good ones in this subgenre, your '''{{Harold and Kumar}}s''' and '''[[Creator/CheechAndChong Cheeches and Chongs]]''' are genuinely funny and don't require to be baked to find them so. There's always that old trap of you're enjoying each other's companies so much that it doesn't rub off of the audience, and Justin Long hits that in his sort of defense of the film '''"The first few times I saw it, I loved it. And I don't often see movies that I've done multiple times, but I kept going. [...] And then I saw it once when I wasn't stoned and I was like, woah. This is a mess! This doesn't make a shred of sense! [...] But stoned it's the funniest, and I think I have so much love for it because it's the most fun I've ever had shooting."''' So does it deserve its 0%? It's really, really bad, but it's not quite the same level of agonizingly awful as, say, '''Film/FatSlags''' or '''Film/TheMasterOfDisguise'''. That doesn't mean I recommend the treck trek by any means."''



->''"Watching '''Lawnmower Man 2''', your mind makes an easy parallel to another infamous sequel, '''Film/HighlanderIITheQuickening'''. The two are very similar in some respects: the baffling dystopian future, the spitting in the face of existing continuity, the endless plotholes, and mincemeat editing that seems to have crucial plot scenes missing. I think the only reason this doesn't share the same notoriety is that luckily, no-one saw it. The film so drastically changes everything, especially the ending from the [[Film/TheLawnmowerMan first movie]], that fans would feel completely alienated, and teenagers will cringe at the lame stereotypes spouting things like "Radical". The acting from them is especially atrocious, but it is in general, from Patrick Bergin's daft "Dances with Wires", to Matt Frewer dusting off '''Series/MaxHeadroom''' for a totally mis-cast toe-curling performance. As a standalone movie, it's still mind-numbing stuff, and come on, they were screwed the moment they started making a sequel to something with a closed ending! It doesn't seem like a movie made by people who even vaguely know computers. The script seems to have been written by taking random phrases out of the glossary of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Internet". Lastly, the CGI effects are a step down from the original despite the obvious technical advances, because at least the first movie was wholy digital rather than the constant shortcuts here making it look worse. Even for 1996, this movie was irrelevant. By today's standards, the technophobia of '''The Lawnmower Man''' movie seems downright quaint. Hell, if Jobe really wanted people to flock to virtual reality, he should've just taken a page out of the modern Internet's book and offered an endless supply of porn! Jacking indeed."''

to:

->''"Watching '''Lawnmower Man 2''', your mind makes an easy parallel to another infamous sequel, '''Film/HighlanderIITheQuickening'''. The two are very similar in some respects: the baffling dystopian future, the spitting in the face of existing continuity, the endless plotholes, and mincemeat editing that seems to have crucial plot scenes missing. I think the only reason this doesn't share the same notoriety is that luckily, no-one saw it. The film so drastically changes everything, especially the ending from the [[Film/TheLawnmowerMan first movie]], that fans would feel completely alienated, and teenagers will cringe at the lame stereotypes spouting things like "Radical". The acting from them is especially atrocious, but it is in general, from Patrick Bergin's daft "Dances with Wires", to Matt Frewer dusting off '''Series/MaxHeadroom''' for a totally mis-cast toe-curling performance. As a standalone movie, it's still mind-numbing stuff, and come on, they were screwed the moment they started making a sequel to something with a closed ending! It doesn't seem like a movie made by people who even vaguely know computers. The script seems to have been written by taking random phrases out of the glossary of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Internet". Lastly, the CGI effects are a step down from the original despite the obvious technical advances, because at least the first movie was wholy wholly digital rather than the constant shortcuts here making it look worse. Even for 1996, this movie was irrelevant. By today's standards, the technophobia of '''The Lawnmower Man''' movie seems downright quaint. Hell, if Jobe really wanted people to flock to virtual reality, he should've just taken a page out of the modern Internet's book and offered an endless supply of porn! Jacking indeed."''



->''"You can see the seeds of '''Film/TheLoveGuru''' in the '''Film/AustinPowers''' sequels that increasingly relied on crude humor and peens jokes, but this takes it to a whole new level. I hate to place all the blame on Creator/MikeMyers, but when he's the main creative force and is in virtually every scene, it's hard not to. He's downright insufferable in this movie, a giggling nutcase who is so desperate, it makes you wonder if Myers was ever really funny. He's so the center of attention here, that he forgets to give many of his supporting players any material of their own, [[WhatTheHellCastingAgency despite a cast of talented actors and comedians who flail around just as badly]]. [[IdiotPlot The paper-thin plot is simply all about the gags in the movie disregarding logic, sense, or continuity]], which is the crucial context of making them funny. Compounding this is despite Myers' hiatus, many of them are recycled old material from '''Austin Powers''', including Verne Troyer himself, while you're beaten over the head with crass sex jokes over and over, just like all the other lame pieces of humor in this movie, and it makes it seem as though Myers' sense of humor stopped developing at age 10. The worst thing is, this movie sells Myers' talent short as a comedian, and it's so dispiriting because we know he can do so much better. The only real posivite is that at least it's less than ninety minutes, no doubt thanks to some heavy trimming. UK comedian Omid Djalili [[AdvertisedExtra gets prominent billing]] [[DeletedRole despite having all his lines cut in the one scene he appeared in]], and given he was playing Guru Satchabigknoba, I think maybe we should all be thankful for that. All I know is that somewhere in the deepest, darkest pits of Hell, '''this''' and '''Film/TheMasterOfDisguise''' are playing as the most punishing double feature ever made, and if you don't want to take your memory of Mike Myers, stay as away from this as humanly possible!"''

to:

->''"You can see the seeds of '''Film/TheLoveGuru''' in the '''Film/AustinPowers''' sequels that increasingly relied on crude humor and peens penis jokes, but this takes it to a whole new level. I hate to place all the blame on Creator/MikeMyers, but when he's the main creative force and is in virtually every scene, it's hard not to. He's downright insufferable in this movie, a giggling nutcase who is so desperate, it makes you wonder if Myers was ever really funny. He's so the center of attention here, that he forgets to give many of his supporting players any material of their own, [[WhatTheHellCastingAgency despite a cast of talented actors and comedians who flail around just as badly]]. [[IdiotPlot The paper-thin plot is simply all about the gags in the movie disregarding logic, sense, or continuity]], which is the crucial context of making them funny. Compounding this is despite Myers' hiatus, many of them are recycled old material from '''Austin Powers''', including Verne Troyer himself, while you're beaten over the head with crass sex jokes over and over, just like all the other lame pieces of humor in this movie, and it makes it seem as though Myers' sense of humor stopped developing at age 10. The worst thing is, this movie sells Myers' talent short as a comedian, and it's so dispiriting because we know he can do so much better. The only real posivite positive is that at least it's less than ninety minutes, no doubt thanks to some heavy trimming. UK comedian Omid Djalili [[AdvertisedExtra gets prominent billing]] [[DeletedRole despite having all his lines cut in the one scene he appeared in]], and given he was playing Guru Satchabigknoba, I think maybe we should all be thankful for that. All I know is that somewhere in the deepest, darkest pits of Hell, '''this''' and '''Film/TheMasterOfDisguise''' are playing as the most punishing double feature ever made, and if you don't want to take your memory of Mike Myers, stay as away from this as humanly possible!"''
17th Mar '16 5:20:11 AM bobpiecheese
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->''"You know, Wesley Snipes is actually right about a lot of [[Film/BladeTrinity this movie]]. David S. Goyer's script for the film is an absolute mess! A bunch of plot points thrown together and often forgotten about for long periods of time with frat boy humour only making things worse. The inclusion of the Nightstalkers, obviously intended to launch a spin-off, hinders the film due to their lack of credibilty, especially Creator/RyanReynolds, [[TheScrappy who I found insufferable]]. Goyer's direction is ropey, and the over-long running time isn't helped by [[{{Padding}} loads of minor scenes that they really just should've cut]]. The inclusion of {{Dracula}} is a disappointment, partly due to the bad writing, and partly due to the fact that Dominic Purcell is a completely charmisa-less block of muscle. Even the action is weak, and it's positively mememic compared to the [[Film/{{Blade}} other]] [[Film/BladeII two]] films. But Snipes himself deserves blame too; his central perfomance brims with obvious disdain for the film, and whilst it wouldn't have been good even on his A-game, he ends up making the film implode around him. Clearly aimed at a younger mainstream audience, '''Blade: Trinity''' is a failure of a climax for fans of two otherwise decent films in this [[Film/BladeTrilogy series]]."''

to:

->''"You know, Wesley Snipes is actually right about a lot of [[Film/BladeTrinity this movie]]. David S. Goyer's script for the film is an absolute mess! A bunch of plot points thrown together and often forgotten about for long periods of time with frat boy humour only making things worse. The inclusion of the Nightstalkers, obviously intended to launch a spin-off, hinders the film due to their lack of credibilty, especially Creator/RyanReynolds, [[TheScrappy who I found insufferable]]. Goyer's direction is ropey, and the over-long running time isn't helped by [[{{Padding}} loads of minor scenes that they really just should've cut]]. The inclusion of {{Dracula}} is a disappointment, partly due to the bad writing, and partly due to the fact that Dominic Purcell is a completely charmisa-less block of muscle. Even the action is weak, and it's positively mememic anemic compared to the [[Film/{{Blade}} other]] [[Film/BladeII two]] films. But Snipes himself deserves blame too; his central perfomance brims with obvious disdain for the film, and whilst it wouldn't have been good even on his A-game, he ends up making the film implode around him. Clearly aimed at a younger mainstream audience, '''Blade: Trinity''' is a failure of a climax for fans of two otherwise decent films in this [[Film/BladeTrilogy series]]."''
15th Mar '16 9:01:18 AM DeepthroatGhoul
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->''"Finally, a movie that celebrates the cold-blooded slaughter of your enemies. You can see how this might have worked. I mean, the concept has this sense of wish fulfilment. It's hard to get past the bad taste it leaves in the mouth, and the execution here is terrible. It's badly directed and edited, and it looks and feels cheap, wasting most of the cast. The supporting cast only have one or two small scenes to set up their asshole-ness, and then get killed off in ways that aren't funny, as much as the score tells us so. The whole thing, especially the score, looks like it's escaped from the 1970s."''
-->-- '''Film Brain''', on ''Parting Shots''

to:

->''"Finally, a movie [[Film/PartingShots movie]] that celebrates the cold-blooded slaughter of your enemies. You can see how this might have worked. I mean, the concept has this sense of wish fulfilment. It's hard to get past the bad taste it leaves in the mouth, and the execution here is terrible. It's badly directed and edited, and it looks and feels cheap, wasting most of the cast. The supporting cast only have one or two small scenes to set up their asshole-ness, and then get killed off in ways that aren't funny, as much as the score tells us so. The whole thing, especially the score, looks like it's escaped from the 1970s."''
-->-- '''Film Brain''', on ''Parting Shots''
''Film/PartingShots''
4th Mar '16 8:29:09 AM DeepthroatGhoul
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-->-- '''Film Brain''', on ''Pluto Nash''

to:

-->-- '''Film Brain''', on ''Pluto Nash''
''Film/TheAdventuresOfPlutoNash''



-->-- '''Film Brain''', on ''The Fast & The Furious''

to:

-->-- '''Film Brain''', on ''The Fast & The Furious''
''Film/TheFastAndTheFurious''


Added DiffLines:

->''"So what have we learned today? We learned that a PG-13 [[Film/AlienVsPredator movie]] for two R-rated horror [[Franchise/{{Alien}} franc]][[Franchise/{{Predator}} hises]] doesn't cut it, the human characters need to be fleshed out if we want to give a damn, and finally, and by far most important, that these versus movies '''never''' give us a clear victor, because that would mean pissing fans off, and not giving them enough room to make a sequel, and money means stabbing the fans in the backside as many times as possible, of which this is a particularly shameless example. It's a spit in the face of both franchises and everything they stood for! The fans frankly deserved better."''
-->--'''Film Brain''', on ''Film/AlienVsPredator''
18th Feb '16 7:33:48 PM GrammarNavi
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->''"So that was '''Film/MegaSharkVsGiantOctopus'''. It's got better acting, plot, and effects than '''Film/{{Transmorphers}}''', but that's not really saying much. The film still looks very cheap, the special effects have gone from PS1 to PS2 graphics, and they constantly repeat the [[StockFootage same shots]] over and over again. I swear half the movie is just shots they repeated to pad out the running time. And to be honest, it fails as a BMovie because it [[TheyWastedAPerfectlyGoodPlot fails to live up to its title]]. I'm sorry, but if you're going to name your movie '''Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus''', you damn well better live up to it. Because I'm nice, I will give Creator/TheAsylum a little gold star for attempting to improve, even if their movie is still shit.''

to:

->''"So that was '''Film/MegaSharkVsGiantOctopus'''. It's got better acting, plot, and effects than '''Film/{{Transmorphers}}''', but that's not really saying much. The film still looks very cheap, the special effects have gone from PS1 [[UsefulNotes/PlayStation PS1]] to PS2 [[UsefulNotes/PlayStation2 PS2]] graphics, and they constantly repeat the [[StockFootage same shots]] over and over again. I swear half the movie is just shots they repeated to pad out the running time. And to be honest, it fails as a BMovie because it [[TheyWastedAPerfectlyGoodPlot fails to live up to its title]]. I'm sorry, but if you're going to name your movie '''Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus''', you damn well better live up to it. Because I'm nice, I will give Creator/TheAsylum a little gold star for attempting to improve, even if their movie is still shit.''
17th Feb '16 4:44:14 PM taddavis
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->''"'''Breaking Wind: Part 1''' is one of the worst spoof movies ever made and definitely one of the worst comedies I've seen in general too. [[ShallowParody It has nothing to say about its topic]], which it hates to the point of being dismissive. All the jokes [[DudeNotFunny are below the belt]] and if they thought this was at all edgy or adult, then they should be downright ashamed of themselves. In addition, the terrible direction and acting oversell every single repetitive joke, to the point that it becomes almost unbearable. Craig Moss needs to stay away from doing anymore of these spoof movies, because he's frankly so abysmal that the art of comedy needs to file a restraining order. And really, if you want to laugh at '''Literature/{{Twilight}}''', go watch the first, second, and fifth films since they're pretty much unintentional comedies anyway. All watching this does is award the filmmakers [[TheyJustDidntCare lack of effort]] and encourage them further. And pray they don't make a part two. Or to put it in a way that this movie frankly deserves... (Film Brain starts BlowingARaspberry)"''

to:

->''"'''Breaking Wind: Part 1''' is one of the worst spoof movies ever made and definitely one of the worst comedies I've seen in general too. [[ShallowParody It has nothing to say about its topic]], which it hates to the point of being dismissive. All the jokes [[DudeNotFunny are below the belt]] and if they thought this was at all edgy or adult, then they should be downright ashamed of themselves. In addition, the terrible direction and acting oversell every single repetitive joke, to the point that it becomes almost unbearable. Craig Moss needs to stay away from doing anymore of these spoof movies, because he's frankly so abysmal that the art of comedy needs to file a restraining order. And really, if you want to laugh at '''Literature/{{Twilight}}''', go watch the first, second, and fifth films since they're pretty much unintentional comedies anyway. All watching this does is award the filmmakers [[TheyJustDidntCare lack of effort]] and encourage them further. And pray they don't make a part two. Or to put it in a way that this movie frankly deserves... (Film Brain starts BlowingARaspberry)"''BlowingARaspberry [[FlippingTheBird while giving a two-fingered gesture at the camera]])"''
17th Feb '16 4:42:11 PM taddavis
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->''"Although it isn't as bad as some of the heinous sequels it spawned, it does deserve this review for being so dull. I mean you can't just have fast cars take the plot. There has something going on behind it. It takes itself too seriously and is no fun. Poor Walker might need checking for termites judging by his acting. And the film is already heavily dated and only eight years after its release due to its migraine-inducing soundtrack. The new movie, '''Fast & Furious''', is being depicted as a return to form for the series. From terrible to just plain mediocre. Yeah, just some comeback. Now if you excuse me, I need to go rev my engine."''

to:

->''"Although it isn't as bad as some of the heinous sequels it spawned, it does deserve this review for being so dull. I mean you can't just have fast cars take the plot. There has something going on behind it. It takes itself too seriously and is no fun. Poor Paul Walker might need checking for termites judging by his acting. And the film is already heavily dated and only eight years after its release due to its migraine-inducing soundtrack. The new movie, '''Fast & Furious''', is being depicted as a return to form for the series. From terrible to just plain mediocre. Yeah, just some comeback. Now if you excuse me, I need to go rev my engine."''



->''"'''The Cavern''' not only surpasses '''Bear''' as the worst horror film I've ever seen, but may well be the worst film period. I reviewed racist, sexist, unfunny, and downright unpleasant films before, but this is a special kind of film: '''[[UpToEleven It's unwatchable]]'''. I don't care if it's low-budget, that doesn't mean [[TheyJustDidntCare you forget basic principles of lighting or cinematography]]. I know the film's creators though they were being iterative, but that's because [[WhatAnIdiot no one was dumb enough]] to do it before. The film [[SpecialEffectsFailure has an ugly, over-produced digital look]], the script is [[IdiotPlot woefully incomprehensible nonsense]], and the ending is [[GratuitousRape reprehensible]]. Even at 80 minutes, this is sheer torture that makes your home movies look professional by comparison. Every single copy of '''The Cavern''' should be thrown in the deepest, darkest pit imaginable, so that it never blights a TV screen ever again! I hope you have a happy and safe Halloween."''

to:

->''"'''The Cavern''' not only surpasses '''Bear''' as the worst horror film I've ever seen, but may well be the worst film period. I reviewed racist, sexist, unfunny, and downright unpleasant films before, but this is a special kind of film: '''[[UpToEleven It's unwatchable]]'''. I don't care if it's low-budget, that doesn't mean [[TheyJustDidntCare you forget basic principles of lighting or cinematography]]. I know the film's creators though they were being iterative, but that's because [[WhatAnIdiot no one was dumb enough]] to do it before. The film [[SpecialEffectsFailure has an ugly, over-produced digital look]], the script is [[IdiotPlot woefully incomprehensible nonsense]], and the ending is [[GratuitousRape reprehensible]]. Even at 80 minutes, this is sheer torture that makes your home movies look professional by comparison. Every single copy of '''The Cavern''' should be thrown in the deepest, darkest pit imaginable, so that it never blights a TV screen ever again! I hope you have a happy and safe Halloween.EVER AGAIN."''
21st Jan '16 8:03:13 AM DeepthroatGhoul
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->''"'''Film/TheHappening''' is a bizarre film. It seems to have been made by an alien, because everything is so... off. The script is full of things that people would never say or do, acted unconvincingly by [[WhatTheHellCastingAgency mis-cast actors]] [[{{Narm}} delivering their worst performances ever]]. Creator/MarkWahlberg, with his soft voice, is completely humilated, and Creator/ZooeyDeschanel makes googly eyes throughout the whole film that make her look braindead. The science of the film is shoddy, but that's not surprising considering the green message of the film, which is laid on with no subtly or respect for the audience. '''"Man and Science is weak, and we should all respect the power of Nature and Love!"''' Its saving grace is being so incredibly unintentionally funny, because it's a ridiculous film approached with a po-faced seriousness, and lack of humour that is so gloriously pretentious. The film tries to make a comment on paranoia, but it just ends up becoming a farce."''

to:

->''"'''Film/TheHappening''' is a bizarre film. It seems to have been made by an alien, because everything is so... off. The script is full of things that people would never say or do, acted unconvincingly by [[WhatTheHellCastingAgency mis-cast actors]] [[{{Narm}} delivering their worst performances ever]]. Creator/MarkWahlberg, with his soft voice, is completely humilated, and Creator/ZooeyDeschanel makes googly eyes throughout the whole film that make her look braindead. The science of the film is shoddy, but that's not surprising considering the green message of the film, which is laid on with no subtly or respect for the audience. '''"Man and Science is weak, and we should all respect the power of Nature and Love!"''' Its saving grace is being so incredibly unintentionally funny, because it's a ridiculous film approached with a po-faced seriousness, and lack of humour that is so gloriously pretentious. The film tries to make a comment on paranoia, but it just ends up becoming a farce. After this, [[Creator/MNightShyamalan M. Night]]'s descent into complete madness was sealed by his adaptation of the cartoon '''[[WesternAnimation/AvatarTheLastAirbender Avatar]]''' - not related to Creator/JamesCameron's [[Film/{{Avatar}} work]] obviously - into '''Film/TheLastAirbender''', which was critically panned and destroyed at the box office, putting his writer/director days to an end presently. He has since produced '''Film/{{Devil}}''', which, whilst mediocre, is certainly a step-up for a director who sums up once and for all, how the mighty can fall."''
27th Dec '15 2:11:20 PM SeptimusHeap
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->''"'''The Cavern''' not only surpasses '''Bear''' as the worst horror film I've ever seen, but may well be the worst film period. I reviewed racist, sexist, unfunny, and downright unpleasant films before, but this is a special kind of film: '''[[UpToEleven It's unwatchable]]'''. I don't care if it's low-budget, that doesn't mean [[TheyJustDidntCare you forget basic principles of lighting or cinematography]]. I know the film's creators though they were being iterative, but that's because [[WhatAnIdiot no one was dumb enough]] [[DarthWiki/WallBanger to do it before]]. The film [[SpecialEffectsFailure has an ugly, over-produced digital look]], the script is [[IdiotPlot woefully incomprehensible nonsense]], and the ending is [[GratuitousRape reprehensible]]. Even at 80 minutes, this is sheer torture that makes your home movies look professional by comparison. Every single copy of '''The Cavern''' should be thrown in the deepest, darkest pit imaginable, so that it never blights a TV screen ever again! I hope you have a happy and safe Halloween."''

to:

->''"'''The Cavern''' not only surpasses '''Bear''' as the worst horror film I've ever seen, but may well be the worst film period. I reviewed racist, sexist, unfunny, and downright unpleasant films before, but this is a special kind of film: '''[[UpToEleven It's unwatchable]]'''. I don't care if it's low-budget, that doesn't mean [[TheyJustDidntCare you forget basic principles of lighting or cinematography]]. I know the film's creators though they were being iterative, but that's because [[WhatAnIdiot no one was dumb enough]] [[DarthWiki/WallBanger to do it before]].before. The film [[SpecialEffectsFailure has an ugly, over-produced digital look]], the script is [[IdiotPlot woefully incomprehensible nonsense]], and the ending is [[GratuitousRape reprehensible]]. Even at 80 minutes, this is sheer torture that makes your home movies look professional by comparison. Every single copy of '''The Cavern''' should be thrown in the deepest, darkest pit imaginable, so that it never blights a TV screen ever again! I hope you have a happy and safe Halloween."''
18th Dec '15 8:22:56 AM DeepthroatGhoul
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to:

\n->''"'''Film/DeckTheHalls''' lets the audience know exactly what a mean-spirited film it is, from its title that makes a pun out of trying to punch one of the characters in the face, and after you've seen it, you'll want to deck someone as well! It's not hard to see why Creator/DannyDeVito was attracted to the film, because it's clearly a dark comedy that has been homogenised into a light broad comedy with frankly disastrous results! The film's a crass and cynical look at the festive season, and with the constantly shifting tone, any attempts at sincerity like the woeful ending fall flat. But then again, so does the humour, which relies on an unbelievable premise, being acted out by unlikeable characters, and is entirely unfunny! It's also abundantly clear that damage control is being applied, because it feels like gags have been cut out to try and salvage anything, and you can even see some of the deleted footage in the trailer, but it's just a big mess whatever way you slice it. Hopefully, you'll stay out of criminal acts as you stay safe this Christmas, and I hope you have a good one. Whatever you celebrate, I'm not judging."''
-->--'''Film Brain''', on ''Film/DeckTheHalls''



-->--'''Film Brain''', on ''Film/{{Prometheus}}''.

to:

-->--'''Film Brain''', on ''Film/{{Prometheus}}''.
''Film/{{Prometheus}}''



-->--'''Film Brain''', on Costa in ''Film/ProjectX''.

to:

-->--'''Film Brain''', on Costa in ''Film/ProjectX''.
''Film/ProjectX''
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