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Quotes: Bad Movie Beatdown
Film Brain

"Blimey Charlie, the video's only been up an hour and there are allusions to it on TV Tropes. My word."
Film Brain, on this wiki

"The world is a worse place for having this movie. I genuinely argue that. This movie—I hate it. I hate it with a passion. It's one of the few movies that I legitimately despise."
Film Brain, on Seven Pounds in his commentary

"This movie is a waste of time, money and effort. It has big special effects, big-name stars, but it can't, can I say, for stupid, incompetent scripting and piss-poor jokes. If you have the chance to avoid this movie, I suggest you do so. Even Eddie Murphy hates the crap out of this film. Still, he learns something out of this, right? Or maybe not. Well, that's all we got time for this week. I'm Film Brain, a.k.a. Matthew Buck. Good night... or day... or whatever this is."
Film Brain, on Pluto Nash'

"Although it isn't as bad as some of the heinous sequels it spawned, it does deserve this review for being so dull. I mean you can't just have fast cars take the plot. There has something going on behind it. It takes itself too seriously and is no fun. Poor Walker might need checking for termites judging by his acting. And the film is already heavily dated and only eight years after its release due to its migraine-inducing soundtrack. The new movie, Fast & Furious, is being depicted as a return to form for the series. From terrible to just plain mediocre. Yeah, just some comeback. Now if you excuse me, I need to go rev my engine."
Film Brain, on The Fast & The Furious

"So anyway, Transmorphers: the ghastly result of Transformers, Starship Troopers, The Matrix, The Terminator, and Demolition Man all mixed together with a miniscule budget, terrible acting and god-awful direction. The special effects are absolutely laughable and the script keeps contradicting itself on the fly. The robots that were apparently invincible are just beaten with a simple plan that someone could've come up in their sleep. They've been fighting for hundreds of years and it took them this long to come up with this plan? As I said the budget is horrendous. Now low budget by no means equals poor quality. I mean, one of its inspirations, The Terminator, was fairly low budget. Here however, they handle it in the worst possible manner. It's always blatantly obvious when they've run into budget constraints. If you can't show a scene due to a lack of budget, don't for the love of God compensate for it by having the characters look at something off-screen and describe it. It only draws attention to itself. Just cut the scene! In fact, that would've made the poor pacing and subpar direction slightly more bearable."
Film Brain, on Transmorphers

"Plot? What plot? It's more like a sieve. It has holes you can drive Optimus Prime through and it buckles under the huge cast of characters the film contains. And that's only the human characters; the Transformers feel more like co-stars in their own movie, disappearing into the background for long stretches. The movie has endless padding scenes and a ludicrous amount of comic relief characters, which means that the tone is all over the place. And considering this is meant to be a film for kids both young and old, Bay fills the movie with completely inappropriate material that should have been cut from this bloated monstrosity. Not even the action scenes are good. They're too close, too incomprehensible, and too long; meaning that we soon lose interest, if we had any, because we don't know who half the bloody robots are. And before you chastise me for changing my opinion on the movie, so did the filmmakers. Both Bay and LaBeouf have been quoted as saying that the film was a disappointment and that it's not as good as it should have been. I don't have high hopes for the third movie and if you see it in 3D, I hope you enjoy the inevitable motion-sickness from Bay's hyper-kinetic directing style. I'm Matthew Buck, beating down bad... (Film Brain looks at his Transformers poster) I think I'd better take that down."

"The Dilemma is horribly misconceived from the premise up. The fact of the matter is infidelity is a very, very hard subject to make funny and that's clear from the way the film gasps like a fish; struggling to raise even a smirk, let alone a laugh, inventing a whole manner of contrived set pieces that are completely ridiculous and implausible. Ron Howard's inexperience at directing comedy really shows and it isn't helped by the fact that Vince Vaughn is left completely unchecked to take over the film with his self-indulgent monologuing, including that dreadful toast scene. The other cast members are wasted; including Kevin James in a part that seldom requires him to be funny, and Channing Tatum is the best thing in it, but is only in a handful of scenes.
Film Brain, on The Dilemma.

"No. No, you didn't. You did not just end your movie MID-RAPE SCENE! How dare you! And I know, that was what the earlier sex scene in the cave was leading towards, and the film thinks its clever by ending on a rape scene. Well no, it isn't clever! You didn't think about the weight of including a rape scene. You just used it as a cheap shock tactic, and that's deplorable. The movie itself beforehand was so bad, but this just leaves a truly rotten taste in the mouth, and I can say, without hesitation, that this movie can go FUCK ITSELF!"
Film Brain, on the ending of The Cavern.

"The Cavern not only surpasses Bear as the worst horror film I've ever seen, but may well be the worst film period. I reviewed racist, sexist, unfunny, and downright unpleasant films before, but this is a special kind of film: It's unwatchable. I don't care if it's low-budget, that doesn't mean you forget basic principles of lighting or cinematography. I know the film's creators though they were being iterative, but that's because no one was dumb enough to do it before. The film has an ugly, over-produced digital look, the script is woefully incomprehensible nonsense, and the ending is reprehensible. Even at 80 minutes, this is sheer torture that makes your home movies look professional by comparison. Every single copy of The Cavern should be thrown in the deepest, darkest pit imaginable, so that it never blights a TV screen ever again! I hope you have a happy and safe Halloween."
Film Brain, on The Cavern.

"So that was Prometheus in all its gory glory. I cannot deny that on a sheer technical level, Ridley Scott is an absolute master of his craft. The film looks gorgeous and it's clear that it has plenty of ambition, which puts it above your average bad movie. However wasting that much promise and that much talent, both in front and behind the camera, on such a poorly written mess is absolutely criminal. The script is littered with improbable scenarios acted out by outrageously inconsistent characters spouting leaden dialogue and great actors can only do so much. For all the talk about intelligent sci-fi, the film feels like every other modern blockbuster. It touches on complex ideas, but is distracted by constant special effects and the result is vapid. This is made worse by the Alien DNA; which is basically that movie on shuffle-mode, copying scenes and cranking up the pace without the tone or the subtlety. Prometheus may not be the worst movie in this franchise, but it is by far the most painfully disappointing. While the follow-ups to the franchise that this is clearly setting up may answer some of the ambiguities, it won't answer the lazy writing throughout and it doesn't stand on its own feet apart from Alien. But if you like Prometheus then all the power to you, it's just that I can't as much as I want to."
Film Brain, on Prometheus.

"Breaking Wind: Part 1 is one of the worst spoof movies ever made and definitely one of the worst comedies I've seen in general too. It has nothing to say about its topic, which it hates to the point of being dismissive. All the jokes are below the belt and if they thought this was at all edgy or adult, then they should be downright ashamed of themselves. In addition, the terrible direction and acting oversell every single repetitive joke, to the point that it becomes almost unbearable. Craig Moss needs to stay away from doing anymore of these spoof movies, because he's frankly so abysmal that the art of comedy needs to file a restraining order. And really, if you want to laugh at Twilight, go watch the first, second and fifth films since they're pretty much unintentional comedies anyway. All watching this does is award the filmmakers lack of effort and encourage them further. And pray they don't make a part two. Or to put it in a way that this movie frankly deserves... (Film Brain starts Blowing a Raspberry)"
Film Brain, on Breaking Wind

"Oh, well if you had it so good in Queens, why don't you fuck off back there?! It's like if you put Eric Cartman and Phil from The Hangover in a blender, and since he is personally responsible for everything that happens, I'll be keeping what I like to call the Screw Costa Count. I'd say he's about two so far."
Film Brain, on Costa in Project X.

Project X is a detestable little film, and thatís frankly if you could even call it that but it barely has enough plot to fill a 2-minute trailer, let alone a feature film. What passes for a script here probably amounts to about 10 pages tops, half of which are references to much superior films in the genre. Every single thing about the movie is ugly, from the nasty post of partying for characters, including Costa, possibly one of the worst seen on screen in the last ten years, to the camerawork due to its badly executed found footage gimmick. But by far the most ill-judged thing is its tone. This could have made a terrific social parody if they actually showed the consequences, but the film depressingly plays it straight, and actually endorses and celebrates the increasing depravity, and even encourages emulation to top the party bar. And to cap it all, the party just looks overcrowded and crappy. This is basically a vile film that seems to be aimed at sociopaths and pricks, and is skin-crawling for all the wrong reasons. I mean if you want to go to a party, you don't have to live vicariously through this movie. Just to go one. I guarantee you'll have a much better time.
Film Brain, on Project X

Strange Wilderness is basically a celebration of stupid, ignorant people who are too lazy to even make an effort but still feel a sense of entitlement regardless. What little characterization there is, especially the two leads, is annoying and obnoxious. And that's a shame because this is an actually fantastic cast but they're all terrible here. Even Steve Zahn resorts to shouting and overacting when he's not coasting, and it squanders his talent. But then again, you can't turn a sound ear into a purse. Especially when large chunks are clearly improvised with no direction whatsoever. The whole thing looks and feels cheap and ugly, but somehow scenes run too long, even when the film itself barely scrapes 80 minutes. Even if it's a stoner comedy, this is poor stuff because the good ones in this subgenre, the Harold and Kumars and Cheeches and Chongs are genuinely funny and don't require to be baked to find themselves. There's always that old trap of you're enjoying each other's companies so much that it doesn't rub off of the audience, and just along it hits that and it's sort of defense of the film "the first few times I saw it, I loved it. And I don't often see movies that I've done multiple times, but I kept going. [...] And then I saw it when I wasn't stoned and I was like, woah. This is a mess! This doesn't make a shred of sense! [...] But stoned it's the funniest, and I think I have so much love for it because it's the most fun I've ever had shooting." So does it deserve its 0%? It's really, really bad, but it's not quite the same level of agonizingly awful as, say, Fat Slags or The Master of Disguise. That doesn't mean I recommend the trend by any means.
Film Brain, on Strange Wilderness

"Just Go With It is just horrible in almost every way, which makes it hard to know where to start. How about another insufferable, smug, self-centered "performance" from Adam Sandler, rivalled only by the infuriating Nick Swardson and those creepy pod-people children? How about the naked cynicism of setting your movie in Hawaii for no reason other than a paid holiday, or the sheer idiocy of the plot, that the title itself seems like a taunt to our suspension of disbelief? Oh no, let's lay it right down on the feet of director Dennis Dugan, whose work is especially awful here. He has no flair for the material, no connection, nothing. For a guy working in directing comedy for two decades, I don't understand how he can edit a movie this witless and overlong. This doesn't need to be just under two hours. The only thing I liked was Jennifer Aniston who is so down-to-earth that it's the only believable character; that she doesn't so much anchor the proceedings, but seem to be in a completely different universe entirely. This is a terrible sitcom episode stretched into feature film purgatory and I found close to utterly unbearable. Listen, I don't mind if you had fun making a movie with your friends together, but can you at least make it enjoyable for us lowly peasants who had to watch your putrid end results?
Film Brain, on Just Go With It

"Is Jack and Jill the worst thing ever? No, I've seen worse. Oh, don't get me wrong, it's bad. It's downright awful, but so is Just Go With It and if you made me choose, I would probably pick this one over the latter because it's much shorter. Even Dennis Dugan must have known how bad it was because it's only ninety minutes. That said, even with the short running time, this has absolutely dreadful pacing issues, hideous comedic dead-spots, and at times, barely cohesive. Adam Sandler manages to be utterly detestable in two equally terrible roles, which dominate much of the film and it's cast. For a film aimed at younger audiences, this a total failure. They might vaguely relate to Jill, but I don't think they would be at all interested in the stuff between her and Al Pacino; a lot of which is actually really inappropriate for a family comedy. Speaking of Pacino, he is actually trying here even with the awful material, injecting a lot of misplaced intensity into something he could have just HOO-HAH'd his way through in his sleep. But mostly this was just horribly misguided from before Sandler even remotely put on his fake boobies. I mean even in Happy Madison's work, it's debatable whether Jack and Jill is actually worse than Bucky Larson, That's My Boy or Grown Ups 2; but I won't be finding out just yet because I've had just enough of Sandler's mug for some time now."
Film Brain, on Jack and Jill

The Devil Inside is one of the most cynical projects of recent years. It is absolutely devoid of any kind of creativity or originality, and its handling of both the exorcism theme and the found footage style, it's woed and only go where countless other imitators have gone before and much better, as both are laughably artificial. In fact, it's not even sure whether it's trying to be a mockumentary or a found footage movie and, as such, does both poorly. The pace is mind-numbingly slow and drawn-out, with a whole host of characters you don't care about discussing eye-rolling semantics over and over again. It gestures in about half a dozen directions, including hints of a Vatican conspiracy or dark character backstories, that has no intention of fully exploring. So what we're left with is an air of the movie not doing very much before rushing headlong into a frenzied last ten minutes and then stops. It's there where you realize the real evil here is the whole exorcising fleeting poor already exploited horror fans with less than minimal effort. The Devil Inside, you foul demon! I spit and denounce at thee, and I cast you out. Be gone, Devil!
Film Brain, on The Devil Inside

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