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* A meme with a woman having a meltdown followed by a snarky cat at a dinner table has one from somebody obviously not a Taylor Swift fan. The woman yells "Listen to Taylor Swift!!" The cat replies "If I want to listen to something that sucks, I'll listen to a vacuum cleaner."
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Changed line(s) 79 (click to see context) from:
* A deleted scene in ''Film/{{Who Framed Roger Rabbit}}'', after Eddie Valiant is caught snooping in the Ink and Paint Club, and [[FemmeFatale Jessica Rabbit]] assumes he was staging a solo panty raid:
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* A ''Film/WhoFramedRogerRabbit'': In a deleted scene in ''Film/{{Who Framed Roger Rabbit}}'', scene, after Eddie Valiant is caught snooping in the Ink and Paint Club, and [[FemmeFatale Jessica Rabbit]] assumes he was staging a solo panty raid:
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* ''Film/TheJewelOfTheNile'': Omar wants romance writer Joan Wilder to write a puff piece on him. When she discovers his plan of conquest and says she's going to tell the truth, he scoffs: "If I wanted the truth, I'd have hired ''Series/SixtyMinutes!''"
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Changed line(s) 51 (click to see context) from:
List of series flashed rapidly: ''Anime/WolfsRain'', ''VideoGame/{{Gungrave}}'', ''[[Anime/GhostInTheShellStandAloneComplex GitS: SAC]]'', ''Anime/ParanoiaAgent'', ''Manga/{{Mushishi}}'', ''Anime/BoogiepopPhantom'', ''[[OddNameOut Hi, Mom!]]'', ''Anime/SerialExperimentsLain'', [[BreadEggsMilkSquick squirrels do it]], ''Anime/SamuraiSeven'', ''Anime/TheSoulTaker'', ''Anime/CasshernSins'', ''LightNovel/KinosJourney''\\
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List of series flashed rapidly: ''Anime/WolfsRain'', ''VideoGame/{{Gungrave}}'', ''[[Anime/GhostInTheShellStandAloneComplex GitS: SAC]]'', ''Anime/ParanoiaAgent'', ''Manga/{{Mushishi}}'', ''Anime/BoogiepopPhantom'', ''[[OddNameOut Hi, Mom!]]'', ''Anime/SerialExperimentsLain'', [[BreadEggsMilkSquick squirrels do it]], ''Anime/SamuraiSeven'', ''Anime/TheSoulTaker'', ''Anime/CasshernSins'', ''LightNovel/KinosJourney''\\''Literature/KinosJourney''\\
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* WebVideo/FreshyKanal: In the unfinished, audio-only rap battle "Ferris Bueller vs. Nagisa Shiota", Ferris disses Nagisa's fighting skill by saying, "If I wanted to fight a weeb Hitman, I’d go and see [[VideoGame/YandereSimulator Ayano]]."
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* This series of vines, [[https://www.youtube.com/shorts/lTQKv_iF6bA Oh, you're not Jeffrey!]]
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* ''WebVideo/SandersSides'' has a rather [[TearJerker sad]] variant of this:
---> '''[[TheFriendNobodyLikes Anxiety]]''': If I wanted to stand around being insulted, I would show up in person, like I normally do.
---> '''[[TheFriendNobodyLikes Anxiety]]''': If I wanted to stand around being insulted, I would show up in person, like I normally do.
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Changed line(s) 92,96 (click to see context) from:
* ''{{Series/Firefly}}'', "Objects in Space":
-->'''Mal:''' If I want medical jargon, I'll talk to a doctor.\\
'''Simon:''' You are talking to a doctor.
** Also, quoth Jayne, "Hell, if I had wanted schooling, I would have gone to school!"
* In one episode of ''Series/{{Friends}}'', Phoebe is dating two men at once -- a teacher and a fireman. She's out with the teacher when they see a car catch fire, and he's confused when her response to the sound of sirens is to run away (so he doesn't find out about the fireman).
-->'''Mal:''' If I want medical jargon, I'll talk to a doctor.\\
'''Simon:''' You are talking to a doctor.
** Also, quoth Jayne, "Hell, if I had wanted schooling, I would have gone to school!"
* In one episode of ''Series/{{Friends}}'', Phoebe is dating two men at once -- a teacher and a fireman. She's out with the teacher when they see a car catch fire, and he's confused when her response to the sound of sirens is to run away (so he doesn't find out about the fireman).
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* ''{{Series/Firefly}}'', ''{{Series/Firefly}}''
** From "Objects in Space":
-->'''Mal:''' --->'''Mal:''' If I want medical jargon, I'll talk to a doctor.\\
'''Simon:''' Youare ''are'' talking to a doctor.
** Also, quothJayne, Jayne; "Hell, if I had wanted schooling, I would have gone to school!"
*In one episode of ''Series/{{Friends}}'', ''Series/{{Friends}}''. Phoebe is dating two men at once -- a teacher and a fireman. She's out with the teacher when they see a car catch fire, and he's confused when her response to the sound of sirens is to run away (so he doesn't find out about the fireman).
** From "Objects in Space":
'''Simon:''' You
** Also, quoth
*
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* In ''Series/{{Sherlock}}'', when Irene Adler [[NakedFirstImpression shows up naked to meet Sherlock]], Sherlock merely says "If I wanted to look at naked women, I would borrow John's laptop."
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* In ''Series/{{Sherlock}}'', when ''Series/{{Sherlock}}''. When Irene Adler [[NakedFirstImpression shows up naked to meet Sherlock]], Sherlock merely says "If I wanted to look at naked women, I would borrow John's laptop."
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* In the ''Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer'' episode "Out of My Mind", Riley thinks Buffy won't want to be with him if he's just a normal man, and she responds with, "Do you think that I spent the last year with you because you had super powers? If that's what I wanted, then I'd be dating Spike." (This becomes HilariousInHindsight about a year later.)
** Subverted rather cruelly by Giles against Spike: "If I want your opinion, Spike, I'll— I'll never want your opinion."
** Subverted rather cruelly by Giles against Spike: "If I want your opinion, Spike, I'll— I'll never want your opinion."
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* ''Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer''
** Inthe ''Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer'' episode "Out of My Mind", Riley thinks Buffy won't want to be with him if he's just a normal man, and she responds with, "Do you think that I spent the last year with you because you had super powers? If that's what I wanted, then I'd be dating Spike." (This becomes HilariousInHindsight about a year later.)
** Subverted rather cruelly by Giles againstSpike: "If Spike in "Once More With Feeling"
--->"If I want your opinion, Spike, I'll— I'll never want your opinion."
** In
** Subverted rather cruelly by Giles against
--->"If I want your opinion, Spike, I'll— I'll never want your opinion."
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** From "Mansa Musa vs Jeff Bezos":
--->'''Jeff Bezos:''' If I wanted to waste my life on desert spice, I'd watch ''Film/{{Dune|2021}}''.
--->'''Jeff Bezos:''' If I wanted to waste my life on desert spice, I'd watch ''Film/{{Dune|2021}}''.
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Changed line(s) 4,5 (click to see context) from:
''[[DescribeTopicHere If I wanted to describe If I Wanted X I Would Y here, I would go to TV Tropes...]] [[WhereDoYouThinkYouAre wait a minute.]]''
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Changed line(s) 169 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Caesar''': So don't go rattling your sticks at me -- if I wanted to [[Creator/WilliamShakespeare shake spears]], I'd waggle [[Theatre/JuliusCaesar my biography]].
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-->'''Richard I''': If I wanted to fight loser Vikings, [[EveryYearTheyFizzleOut I'd go to]] [[UsefulNotes/NationalFootballLeague Minnesota]].
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** From "Harry Potter vs Luke Skywalker":
--->'''Luke Skywalker''': If I wanted teenage wizardry, [[Series/WizardsOfWaverlyPlace I'd call]] Creator/SelenaGomez!
** From "James Bond vs Austin Powers":
--->'''[[spoiler:Connery!]]Bond''': Your performance doesn't stir me, and I'm certainly not shaken.\\
If I wanted [[TakeThat shitty acting in my action film]], I'd go and watch ''Film/{{Taken}}''.
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* ''ComicBook/{{Preacher}}'': Herr Starr, forced to 'socialize' at a [[AncientConspiracy Grail]] meeting, snarks at the Prime Minister of Australia in this fashion.
-->'''Starr:''' If I wanted to visit a bunch of sheepshaggers, I'd go to Wales. It's closer.
-->'''Starr:''' If I wanted to visit a bunch of sheepshaggers, I'd go to Wales. It's closer.
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-->'''Caesar''': So don't go rattling your sticks at me -- if I wanted to [[Creator/WilliamShakespeare shake spears]], I'd waggle [[Theater/JuliusCaesar my biography]].
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-->'''Caesar''': So don't go rattling your sticks at me -- if I wanted to [[Creator/WilliamShakespeare shake spears]], I'd waggle [[Theater/JuliusCaesar [[Theatre/JuliusCaesar my biography]].
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* Pops up quite a few times as lines in ''WebVideo/EpicRapBattlesOfHistory'' as one battler disses another. Some examples:
** From "Julius Caesar vs. Shaka Zulu":
-->'''Caesar''': So don't go rattling your sticks at me -- if I wanted to [[Creator/WilliamShakespeare shake spears]], I'd waggle [[Theater/JuliusCaesar my biography]].
** From "Ragnar Lodbrok vs Richard the Lionheart":
-->'''Richard I''': If I wanted to fight loser Vikings, [[EveryYearTheyFizzleOut I'd go to]] [[UsefulNotes/NationalFootballLeague Minnesota]].
** From "Julius Caesar vs. Shaka Zulu":
-->'''Caesar''': So don't go rattling your sticks at me -- if I wanted to [[Creator/WilliamShakespeare shake spears]], I'd waggle [[Theater/JuliusCaesar my biography]].
** From "Ragnar Lodbrok vs Richard the Lionheart":
-->'''Richard I''': If I wanted to fight loser Vikings, [[EveryYearTheyFizzleOut I'd go to]] [[UsefulNotes/NationalFootballLeague Minnesota]].
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* ''WesternAnimation/{{Brickleberry}}'': Malloy's response after Ethel is cast in a porno movie but refuses to do a sex scene:
--> '''Malloy:''' If I wanted a shitty actor who refuses to show their tits, I would've cast Creator/KevinJames.
--> '''Malloy:''' If I wanted a shitty actor who refuses to show their tits, I would've cast Creator/KevinJames.
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* In ''Series/{{Sherlock}}'', when Irene Adler [[NakedFirstImpression shows up naked to meet Sherlock]], Sherlock merely says "If I wanted to look at naked women I would borrow John's laptop."
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* In ''Series/{{Sherlock}}'', when Irene Adler [[NakedFirstImpression shows up naked to meet Sherlock]], Sherlock merely says "If I wanted to look at naked women women, I would borrow John's laptop.""
**
-->'''John:''' You ''do'' borrow my laptop.\\
'''Sherlock:''' I confiscate it.
**
-->'''John:''' You ''do'' borrow my laptop.\\
'''Sherlock:''' I confiscate it.
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* ''Webcomic/CinemaSnobReviewsFrozen'' (a fan comic where ''WebVideo/TheCinemaSnob'' reviews ''Disney/{{Frozen}}'') does this, being true to the Snob's style of jokes. When talking about Hans, Snob says he'll "take real bland pretty boys, like Gayracula, thank you very much".
to:
* ''Webcomic/CinemaSnobReviewsFrozen'' (a fan comic where ''WebVideo/TheCinemaSnob'' reviews ''Disney/{{Frozen}}'') ''WesternAnimation/Frozen2013'') does this, being true to the Snob's style of jokes. When talking about Hans, Snob says he'll "take real bland pretty boys, like Gayracula, thank you very much".
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* Computer scientist Dennis Ritchie responded to comments for improvements to the C programming language with "If you want PL[=/=]1, you know where to find it."
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* Computer scientist Dennis Ritchie responded to comments for improvements to the C programming language with "If you want PL[=/=]1, PL[=/=]I, you know where to find it."
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* ''[[https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13402617/1/The-Desired-Effect The Desired Effect]]'':
-->'''Harry:''' Dinner?\\
'''Shacklebolt:''' No can do, I'm afraid. I've got a dinner meeting with Cornelius Fudge... though you're welcome to come as my guest, if you'd like?\\
'''Harry:''' If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I'd fart.
-->'''Harry:''' Dinner?\\
'''Shacklebolt:''' No can do, I'm afraid. I've got a dinner meeting with Cornelius Fudge... though you're welcome to come as my guest, if you'd like?\\
'''Harry:''' If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I'd fart.
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* ''Webcomic/ToothpasteForDinner'', on [[http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/index.php?date=011912 foreign films]]: "If I wanted to read while people were speaking another language, I'd bring a book to the chinese restaurant"
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* ''Webcomic/ToothpasteForDinner'', on [[http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/index.php?date=011912 foreign films]]: "If I wanted to read while people were speaking another language, I'd bring a book to the chinese Chinese restaurant"
