History Literature / TheDevilsDictionary

* UsefulNotes/{{Australia}}: "A country in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute between geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island."

--->'''Incompossible''', ''n''. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both -- as Creator/WaltWhitman's poetry and God's mercy to man. [...]

->'''Dictionary''', ''n''. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. The dictionary, however, is a most useful work.

->''There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.''
-->-- "Homicide"

* UsefulNotes/{{Australia}}: "A country in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakable retarded by an unfortunate dispute between geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island."

-->'''Admiration''', ''n''. Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves

-->'''Age''', ''n''. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to commit.

* {{Auction}}

* UsefulNotes/{{Australia}}
-->'''Australia''', ''n''. A country in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakable retarded by an unfortunate dispute between geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.

-->'''Babe''' or '''Baby''', ''n''. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and antipathies it excites in others; itself without sentiment or emotion.

-->'''BRIDE''', ''n.'' A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

->FRIENDSHIP, n.
-->A ship big enough to carry two in good weather, but only one in foul.

* LiteraryAgentHypothesis: Most of the poetry is quite self-evidently written by Bierce, but he gives fake names for its "writers".
* MindScrew: In his definition of "Ubiquity", he writes "In recent times ubiquity has not always been understood—not even by Sir Boyle Roche, for example, [[InsaneTrollLogic who held that a man cannot be in two places at once unless he is a bird."]]. Yes, Roche really said that, if not in those exact words. And no, it [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext didn't make any more sense then either.]]

--> '''R.I.P.:''' A careless abbreviation of requiescat in pace, attesting to indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, however, the letters originally meant nothing more than ''reductus in pulvis''.

* MindScrew: In his definition of "Ubiquity", he writes "In recent times ubiquity has not always been understood—not even by Sir Boyle Roche, for example, [[InsaneTrollLogic who held that a man cannot be in two places at once unless he is a bird."]]. (and yes, Roche really said that, if not in those exact words. And no, it [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext didn't make any more sense then either.]])

-->'''BRIDE'', ''n.'' A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

* Feghoot

* LanguagEqualsthought:

--> '''Impale,''' ''v.t.'' In popular usage, to pierce with any weapon which remains fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple is, properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the body, the victim being left in a sitting position. This was a common mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in "churching" heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the "stoole of repentynge," and among the common people it was jocularly known as "riding the one legged horse." Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in Thibet impalement is considered the most appropriate punishment for crimes against religion; and although in China it is sometimes awarded for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement it must be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church.

A hilarious collection of [[BrokenAesop broken aesops]], [[FamilyUnfriendlyAesop family unfriendly aesops]], and spoof definitions by American satirist Creator/AmbroseBierce. They originally ran a few a week in newspapers, under the title ''The Cynic's Word Book'', but were eventually compiled into a book that's now free from copyright. Bierce had nothing but contempt for the mores and customs of his fellow man, and his book is full of ungentle {{Deconstruction}} of what people secretly mean when they speak.

A perennial favorite of [[UsefulNotes/{{Atheism}} atheists,]] [[SlidingScaleOfIdealismVersusCynicism cynics,]] [[{{Troll}} denizens of Encyclopedia Dramatica]], and good old-fashioned depressed people, it's considered by some to be a ''bona fide'' classic of American literature, although it isn't very well known in the mainstream and never achieved the notoriety of similar works, such as the writings of Creator/EdgarAllanPoe and Creator/HPLovecraft. In a nutshell, ''The Devil's Dictionary'' is a dictionary that claims to present the "true" definitions of words, or rather the ''concepts'' said words supposedly represent, free of the superficial and hypocritical connotations they've gained throughout their years in the zeitgeist. As expected of Bitter Bierce, the vast majority of these paint even universally benevolent concepts (like "friendship") in a very grim light, often accompanied by poems or rhymes written by Bierce under a series of bizarre and cryptic aliases. Bierce had fierce hatred for mediocrity, common morality and religion, and his frequent jabs caused a great deal of controversy.

-->A speech by an opponent, who is known as an [[IncrediblyLamePun harrangue-outang]].

* AndZoidberg:
** Man "multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada".
** From the entry on Trial:
--> In our day the accused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediaeval times, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial.

* NeverSayDie
-->'''Die''', ''n''. The singular of "dice". We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die". At long intervals, however, some one says: "The die is cast", which is not true, for it is cut. [...]

Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in the manner of his kind and, scuffling across the room to a table, returned with a visiting-card: General Barry had called and, judging by an
empty champagne bottle and several cigar-stumps, had been hospitably entertained while waiting. The general apologized to his faithful progenitor and retired. The next day he met General Barry, who said:\\

* EVerythingsBetterWithMonkeys:
--> General H.H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has a
pet rib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence but
imperfectly beautiful. Returning to his apartment one evening, the
General was surprised and pained to find Adam (for so the creature is
named, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearing
his master's best uniform coat, epaulettes and all.\\
"You confounded remote ancestor!" thundered the great strategist,
"what do you mean by being out of bed after naps? -- and with my coat
on!"\\
Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in the
manner of his kind and, scuffling across the room to a table, returned
with a visiting-card: General Barry had called and, judging by an
empty champagne bottle and several cigar-stumps, had been hospitably
entertained while waiting. The general apologized to his faithful
progenitor and retired. The next day he met General Barry, who said:\\
"Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask you
about those excellent cigars. Where did you get them?"\\

"Pardon me, please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was joking
of course. Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in the room
fifteen minutes."

* AndZoidberg: Man "multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada".

-->A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue- outang.

-->Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

* SlidingScaleOfIdealismVersusCynicism: Need we even say which side it falls on? Also incredible is the sheer number of {{Take That}}s, satirical jabs, and general fuck-yous it aims at the ''other'' end.