History Funny / ZeroPunctuation1

* [[InsistentTerminology Referring]] to the game's setting as "[[Film/{{Avatar}} Pandora]][[NamesTheSame -no-not-that-one]]".

** When the PMC attacking Washington is illustrated, a the giant, bug-eyed Uncle Sam pops up behind them with a giant "OI!"

* While talking about the development team, Team Ninja: "...''VideoGame/DeadOrAlive: Extreme Beach Volleyball'', or, as it's sometimes known, ''[[{{Gainaxing}} BOING!]]''"

* The critique of the IdiotPlot and how the villains are TooDumbToLive.

Some people have told me that FFXIII gets good about 20 hours in. You know that's not really a point in its favor, right? Put your hand on a stove for 20 hours and yeah, you'll probably stop feeling the pain, but you'll have done serious damage to yourself. The story is paced like an ant pushing a brick across a desert, the characters are either completely unlikeable or act like they're from space, and the art design is like a painting of a fireworks display: lots of garish color and flash, but take one step to the side and you'll see it's completely two-dimensional.

** "...Then at the end of your shift, the game instructs you to drive straight home with nothing to do but [[GottaCatchThemAll collect]] ''Magazine/{{Playboy}}'' centerfolds that the adult equivalent of the EasterBunny has left lying around, before having [[HyperactiveMetabolism a quick sandwich]] and [[ADateWithRosiePalms a wank]] before bed. Some people have said this should be [[OopNorth judged]] as an interactive drama rather than a game, but this only works if the drama repeatedly switches between two different theaters that five-minutes drives from each other."

-->Now, Luke Skywalker could have whined for his country, and his dad went at it like there was a vice permanently attached to his bollocks, but Starkiller wears an emo fringe that reaches to his knees. All he cares about is getting back together with his love interest. ''[with the same long emo fringe covering a part of her boob and a heart forms between the two]'' And forgive me if I'm unsympathetic, ''[Yahtzee arrives with a flamethrower to torch the love interest's hair]'' but if Christensen and Portman had a chemistry like two chairs stacked together, then Starkiller and Whatsherface were like a picture of two chairs stacked together, crudely drawn on butcher paper with a bit of partially dried poo. ''[by an imp, no less!]''

* Yahtzee actually admits that the story with Ezio is starting to get a little stale (especially since the content feels like it was just cut off from the end of Assassin's Creed II), and is actually looking forward to an all-Desmond centric sequel in the future. Not for [[GenericGuy Desmond himself]], but for the RagtagBunchOfMisfits he's saddled up with, particularly [[DeadpanSnarker sarcastic]] British guy Shaun. "[[IResembleThatRemark Can't think why!]]"

* While talking about Final Fantasy 13 Lightning herself is suprised that she is actually a woman and not another androgynous male.

*** It becomes about a million times more funny when you realise that this is the first -- and likely only -- time that Yahtzee has sounded seriously legitimately angry. Not jokey-acting anger, serious, honest to god "WHAT THE FUCK" anger. And it's '''[[InLoveWithYourCarnage beautiful.]]'''

* "...All is not well in [[WhereTheHellIsSpringfield Whatever-The-Hell-This-City-Is-Ville]]. Everyone below the C2 demographic[[labelnote:*]] Skilled working class[[/labelnote]] has suddenly gone what is [[BlatantLies medically known]] as "[[AxCrazy Batshit Bonkers]]" and have taken to the streets to twat each other with sticks."

-->''Condemned: Bloodshot'', by contrast, ends on a stupid sci-fi tower thing resembling something the [[VideoGame/HalfLife2 Combine]] would throw together if they were all ''drunk'', and a piss-easy final boss fight which you win by shouting at him so loud his brain explodes. ''[[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer I wish I was fucking kidding]].''

* Also, "Lying prone only lowers your eye level another inch or so, so your character is either extremely fat or uncomfortably well-endowed."
* When he illustrates the difficulty settings with pictures of a kitten, a bigger kitten, a tiger, and then for the hardest setting he shows a picture of [[UsefulNotes/FurryFandom fursuited guy]]. With all the former ones terrified!

-->They say that [[BeamMeUpScotty money is the root of all evil]][[note]]It's actually "The love of money is the root of all evils."[[/note]], but somehow I doubt Mrs. Hitler was being impregnated by a roll of Deutsche Marks. The saying works better if you replace "money" with "rich businessmen in tight suits who won't even put twenty cents in a gumball machine if they can't expect a return of investment" and "evil" with "bland, samey action-adventure clones kneeling on the bed of a dried-up watering hole licking the dirt for moisture." (And "is" with "are," if we want to be grammatically correct.)

* "We all agree Prohibition was a stupid law, right? So why is it socially acceptable to crave a nice cup of tea in the morning or a cigarette after a knobbing, but the moment I try to pound half a kilo of smack into my eyeballs everyone thinks there's something wrong with me?!" Accompanied by a female imp in bed next to Yahtzee visibly freaking out when he produces a syringe ''as big as his entire body'' and jabs it into his eye.
* "''Mafia II'' [[ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin is a game about the mafia.]] They were going to call it ''Quest for the Sausage Fountain'', but you know how people are, you have to spell everything out."

* Not to mention his hilarious matchmaking of Lara [[Franchise/FridayThe13th Jason Voorhees.]]

* Not to mention his hilarious matchmaking of Lara: [[spoiler:[[Franchise/FridayThe13th Jason Voorhees.]]]]

* "We've all been made complacent by tutorial levels and health regeneration. It's up to games like ''Ess Tee Ay Ell Kay Ee Arr'' to remind you that you're going to be just as useless after the downfall of society as you are now, ''{{nerd}}''.

* From ''VideoGame/NinjaGaiden 2'': "So the gore's been ramped up, and as always, hand-in-hand with Gore comes Titties, [[InterplayOfSexAndViolence his lovely wife and business partner.]]"

* Yahtzee actually admits that the story with Ezio is starting to get a little stale (especially since the content feels like it was just cut off from the end of Assassin's Creed II), and is actually looking forward to an all-Desmond centric sequel in the future. Not for [[GenericGuy Desmond himself]], but for the RagtagBunchOfMisfits he's saddled up with, particularly [[DeadpanSnarker sarcastic]] [[TheMeanBrit British guy Shaun]]. "[[IResembleThatRemark Can't think why!]]"

* "''Mafia II [[ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin is a game about the mafia.]] They were going to call it ''Quest for the Sausage Fountain'', but you know how people are, you have to spell everything out."

* "They were going to call it ''Quest for the Sausage Fountain'', but you know how people are, you have to spell everything out."

* Yahtzee mentioning that he bought the game illegally (from '''[[BassoProfundo GAMETRADERS ROBINA]]''') due to it not being officially released in Australia. He then went on to name the store he bought it from ('''GAMETRADERS ROBINA''') over and over again, the final time ('''GAMETRADERS ROBINA''') actually giving the exact address of the store -- adding that he then brought the game over to "'''MY FRIEND GUY'S HOUSE'''".

-> '''Yahtzee:''' ''[PROTOTYPE]'' loses several million points right out of the gate by being about a guy about amnesia, and it only goes downhill from there. ''[=inFAMOUS=]'' keeps things nice and straightforward: magic ball gives everyone superpowers, everyone wants magic ball, go find magic ball, [[TheLastOfTheseIsNotLikeTheOthers psychic trash robot.]] It does things comic book-style, which is probably the right way to go when you’re dealing with science so soft, you could spread it on a croissant. ''[PROTOTYPE]'', meanwhile, has more of a disaster movie conspiracy thriller feel to it, that gets so confusing that they had to put in an entire gameplay mechanic based around eating the brains of people who might know what the fuck is going on!

* "A sandbox is only as good as the method by which you get around it, and [[VideoGame/{{Infamous}} Cole]] has a tendency to get bogged down with climbing, while Alex can shoot blood out of his wrists at jet engine velocity and ''fly'', like emo Peter Pan." ("THINK WHINY THOUGHTS")

[[Funny/ZeroPunctuation Funny (Non-ZP)]] | '''Zero Punctuation 1 (2007 - 2010)''' | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation2 Zero Punctuation 2 (2011 - 2013)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation3 Zero Punctuation 3 (2014 - 2016)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation4 Zero Punctuation 4 (2017 - 2019)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation5 Zero Punctuation 5 (2020 - 2022)]]

'''Yahtzee's avatar:''' YOU IS DE CUNT!

* "If you want to wear armor, that takes up a space too. You're carrying your armor in a pocket of your armor!" Queue a picture of Chris screaming "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" while he falls through infinite recurring armors.

[[folder:Halo Wars]]

* Let's not forget the awesome [[SelfDeprecation hypocritically humorous]] line that explains why he doesn't enjoy the RTS genre:
-->I'm a man's man, a courageous man who's not afraid to be out in the field looking my enemy square in the eye [[spoiler:through the scope of a high-powered sniper rifle from the next town over]].

* There is one particular hilarious line.

'''Ed:''' [[ADateWithRosiePalms Wanks daily]]\\

** On a more meta note: "On a educated guess, though, the evil guy was probably the one with the evil mustache" becomes much funnier when said character actually is the most likely one to be TheMole.

* The enemies from VideoGame/DeadSpace:
-->[The Dark Descent] has actually got pacing, unlike ''VideoGame/DeadSpace'', where all the monsters ''[depicted by imps]'' are so fucking thrilled to be working, they fight each other for screen time.
* His description of his thought process during his first scary moment:

-->The entire backstory is neatly encapsulated in the title - you have [[LaserGuidedAmnesia amnesia]], that old video game storytelling chestnut. [Yahtzee's avatar is lying in a hospital bed with a doctor consulting a chart.] If adventure games were a medical condition, the first symptom would be amnesia, and the second would be {{kleptomania|cHero}}. ''[Yahtzee makes off with the bed.]''

* CATCH THE FUCKING EGG!

-->I wouldn't say it's a great game. The level design reflects its independent origins; it's really just a sequence of small environments with little connectivity, each with one or two self-contained, simplistic puzzles. Yeah yeah, wander around a corridor maze, find puzzle item, use on puzzle, unlock door to next area, [[BreadEggsMilkSquick get devoured by cosmic monstrosity]]. Blah de blah.

* "Who the fuck rips off ''VideoGame/ShadowOfTheColossus?'' That's like cock-slapping the Mona Lisa!"

* "So while Journey to the West was about an arrogant monkey king who is forced to learn discipline by escorting a Buddhist monk on a pilgrimage, Enslaved is about a bloke [[GroinAttack slapping robots in the dick]]. [[InNameOnly But his name is Monkey]], so that's alright then."

[[folder:Top 5 of 2010]]
* The top/bottom of 2010 had such counters as "Jumping off a rainbow onto someone you hate" (second best) "Weedkiller Martini" (third worst) and "Mistaking a deep fat fryer for an eyewash station" (second worst).
* After awarding his Worst Game of the Year award to ''VideoGame/KaneAndLynch 2: Dog Days'':
-->Step onto your first-place podium, then put a rope around your neck so we can kick it away.
** Faking the audience out before that by pretending to give the award to ''VideoGame/HaloReach'' and then ''VideoGame/FableIII''.
[[/folder]]

* Yahtzee creating a character modeled after himself, with the "Charisma" and "Morals" sliders set to ''zero'' while "Bile", "Articulation", "Standards" and "[[NiceHat Hat]]" are all maxed.

* TheStinger of the [[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/645-Halo-Wars review.]] [[spoiler: The imps discuss how tasty Pedigree Dog Food is. Yahtzee is not amused.]]
** Or [[AlternateCharacterInterpretation alternatively]] [[spoiler:he just wanted his NiceHat back]].

* Also from the ''Arkham Asylum'' video, at 1:58 of the review, he shows Batman pouncing on and killing a mother cat - complete with mourning kittens.

* "''Crackdown 2'' seems to subscribe to the school of thought that having a multiplayer focus lets you skimp on content (see also Lost Planet 2 and that horrible ''VideoGame/UnrealTournament''/''VideoGame/Quake3Arena'' period in shooters that ''VideoGame/HalfLife'' thankfully rescued us from). To go back to this analogy, having a Jacuzzi by yourself is nice, if a bit indulgent, but add more people and now you're sharing everyone's filth and have to be careful you don't put your hand on anyone's dick."

* "[[VideoGame/{{Wolfenstein|2009}} It's so obnoxiously safe and committee designed]] that any attempt to critique it in my normal manner would be equally as dull. ...so that why I've decided to review it ''[[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/916-Wolfenstein in Limerick form]]''".

* While describing the game's combat: "[[PressXToNotDie Press X to]] [[strike:not die]] [[SubvertedTrope KICK ASS]]."

* Yahtzee's terrible-Irish-accent half of the review of ''VideoGame/TalesOfMonkeyIsland'' was [[CrossesTheLineTwice painfully hilarious]].
** [[ActuallyPrettyFunny Chances are good that you may find it funny even if you are Irish.]]

* "It would be very narrow-minded of me to say that all Japanese cartoons suck; that's like saying that all glam rockers are pedophiles. The fact is that there's bound to be at least one thing to your tastes in all the different varieties of UsefulNotes/{{Anime}}, whether you're into {{Samurai}}s or [[HumongousMecha giant robots]] or [[HaremGenre serials about awkward young men very pointedly not having sex with a selection of eager women]]. But it would be fair to say that there are certain popular trends in anime that tend to set off my cynicism alert. I would list them, but thanks to Capcom, I don't have to. Now I can just point at ''VideoGame/DevilMayCry4'' and say 'pretty much that'."

-->My one criticism for Duke Nukem Forever is that it comes on 14 [=DVDs=]. But I’d expect nothing less from a game with such a long development time! And every second is on display! And a good thing too, I mean hypothetically [[spoiler:if 3D Realms hadn't used the time to put together a titanic super game and had been merely jerking off for twelve years then it raises unfortunate implications. It means that not only can a studio be staffed entirely by howler monkeys but there are also investors, who probably consider themselves to be quite serious people, who will pay them to jump about and wee on things for over a decade, while talented people with great ideas for games are snubbed because they’ve never had dinner with John Carmack or whatever. And then when the monkeys present nothing more entertaining then a fistful of poo on a tray and they get sued for all their bananas, a bunch of extremely thick people, who still genuinely believe that something half decent could come out of this rigmarole, would say "That's tragic!" '''NO IT IS NOT TRAGIC!''' If you get sued because you were paid to do a job you didn't do, that's not tragic, that's how the world should be! And you are a magnificent retard who should have their brain taken away by social services!]]