History Funny / TheWire

-->'''Prez''': They're bringing them off in tandem.
-->'''Jimmy''': Eh?
-->'''Freamon''': Means one after the other, Jimmy\\
'''Jimmy''': I know what it means!

'''Judge Phelan''': Are you Jesus Christ come back to Earth?\\
'''Bird:''' Um...

--> '''Bunk''': Boy, them Greeks and those twisted-ass names.
--> '''[=McNulty=]''': Hey, lay off the Greeks, they invented civilization.
--> '''Bunk''': Yeah, ass-fucking too.

-->'''Freamon''': Aim for center mass. Make sure the man goes down.
-->'''Bunk:''' No problem. I got the three on the left.
-->'''Agent Fitz''': * grins* Fuck you, assholes!

--> '''Judge Phelan''': Mr. Hilton, are you the second coming of our savior?
--> '''Bird''': Excuse me?
--> '''Judge Phelan''': Are you Jesus Christ come back to Earth?
--> '''Bird''': Um...
--> '''Judge Phelan''': ''[slams gavel]'' See you at sentencing.

** You can tell that Bunk's lost it when he starts talking to one of the foreign guys, and this "language" includes the phrase "[[WesternAnimation/TheFlintstones yabba-dabba-daba-doo]]."
** One of the sailors kisses Bunk's hand as he's talking.

-->'''Daniels:''' Detective? [What the hell just happened?]

** Daniels' reaction is likewise hilarious: "I'm embarrassed for you all."

* Herc and Carver try the GoodCopBadCop routine on Bodie, who [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fR5xHGCJYk instantly sees through it]].

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lElf7D-An8 One scene]] has Bunk and [=McNulty=] investigate a crime scene where they only say variations of the word "fuck".

* In a nod to ''Series/HomicideLifeOnTheStreet'', Landsman is seen telling the final part of [[http://www.homebuilt.org/cmdrdata/jokes/06/0253.html a raunchy joke about a hunter raped by a bear]]. Jay is funny by default, but what really makes the scene is the silent but appalled reaction to the joke of the woman among his audience. She withdraws clearly thinking that Jay is an asshole.

--> ''[Later, once Bubbles has had his say]''

** [=McNulty=] takes Bunk back to his place, Bunk still wearing the woman's robe. After laying Bunk down on the lower bunk of his newly installed bunk bed, [=McNulty=] asks him, incredulously, "Hey Bunk, I'll give you that burning trace evidence makes sense. But what the fuck did you plan to wear home?" Somehow, the looks they give each other are hilarious.

* Towards the end of "The Hunt," [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ga8MJsFtsmM D'Angelo and Wee-Bey pay a visit to Bey's house]]. Bey is really insistent in getting D'Angelo into the house, leading D'Angelo to think that he's going to be killed. As Bey goes over to turn on the lights, D'Angelo is standing in the darkness, sobbing, thinking that he's about to die... [[BaitAndSwitch and then Bey turns on the lights, revealing several aquariums, full of fish]]. Cue Bey grinning and bragging about his fish, before telling D'Angelo how to feed them.

* Herc and Carver drive to juvenile detention to talk to Bodie, fantasizing about how he's going to break down when they tell him that Mahon is on his deathbed, and they are going to crack the case...just to drive right past him as he's hitchhiking, having immediately escaped after waking up in there.

-->'''Jimmy [=McNulty=]''': Yeah fuck the jury, this is just us talking, right? It's just you, me, my partner and- ''[motions to Bodie]'' what'd you say your name was?

* Burrell being a SmugSnake about dismantling the Barksdale Unit tells Daniels he can keep Prez and Freamon. He has no idea those two are some of the best the unit has.

** And when the secretary begins adding the Jane Does to the whiteboard, you can see the souls of the entire homicide department being crushed. And it is [[BlackComedy absolutely hilarious]]. Jay Landsman is looking at that whiteboard with the kind of face you'd normally reserve for a young boy having been told his puppy had died.

** One of the sailors kisses Bunk's hand as he was talking.

* When Omar gives Levy the "I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase" [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yu3qIakos9k rebuke]], some FacialDialogue ensues. Levy turns his face to the judge demanding some call to order, Phelan responds with a shrug and a funny face of his own which basically says "Man got a point, what do you want me to do?"

* The RunningGag about Valchek's valuable district surveillance van:
** The IBS has Horseface steal it from the district's parking lot, right out from under Valchek's nose. They proceed to load it into a cargo container and ship it from port to port, sending him photographs from each destination.
** When Kima comes asking for it, Valchek has to invent a lie on the spot and say that [[DoubleSpeak the Southwest]] has the van on loan. His uneasiness is priceless.

* [=McNulty=] acts like a racist, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_00n_qttyls believing it will make a small town sheriff more amenable to helping him]]. Except that sheriff has a black girlfriend. Luckily [=McNulty=] also brought Kima along and lets her take over the negotiation, after which the sheriff comments that [=McNulty=] is "Kind of an asshole." Kima's response: "[[DeadpanSnarker For real?]]"

* Bodie coming to Stringer to explain Hamsterdam. Stringer listening skeptically, thinking Bodie was wired, and only replying with a beatiful movement of ears and the line "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyUoH_V9kS0 Yeah, well, you shouldn’t sell drugs]]."

--> "Stop, you're giving me an erection!"

* The scene where Spiros guarantees Nick that Ziggy will beat the murder radio with their help. They are watching kids play lacrosse.

'''Stringer''': Shut the fuck up, man! This nigga too ignorant to have the fuckin' floor!

''(Stringer slaps aside the microphone and steps down to get in Poot's face)''\\

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJbRVXlpFEc "I don't think any of us wants to have to get a real job."]], observes Parker; after Royce, Burrell, and Demper argue over who should or shouldn't take responsibility for the out of control crime rates. After a momentary beat, everyone bursts out in tension-breaking laughter.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxsiZjHO7SA Carver posses Herc]] with the hypothetical of Herc having to have sex with a man for the reward of getting to sleep with [[Creator/MaryKateAndAshleyOlsen the Olsen twins]] afterwards. Herc spends most of the day trying to find a notch down from having sex with a man such as an old and ugly woman which finally culminates in him asking Carver, "How bout a handjob?" out of the blue whilst interviewing Poot. Poot's reaction face is what makes it. Finally, that night, as they're in the parking lot, Herc makes his pick (former Baltimore Orioles catcher Gus Triandos, because Herc feels sorry for the fact he had to catch knuckleball pitcher Hoyt Wilhelm all those years). Then Dozerman walks by:

** A short time later, Dozerman drives by Herc and Carver, mimicking the act of giving head. Carver grins while Herc just gives Dozerman a middle finger.
** Also funny is the fact that when the scene was filmed (2004), the Olsen twins were around 18 years old. It's much funnier realizing that Herc is such a creep.

** The little hurt swelling in Cheese's voice when he replies to Bunk's mockery of his voice with, "Man, y'all some cold ass motherfuckers", especially since he legitimately believes they brought him in just to fuck with him about his dog.

-->'''Bunk Moreland''': Animal cruelty. You'll want to run wild with it. ''[Bunk and [=McNulty=] walk off while Daniels and Rhonda display epic "WFT?" looks on their faces]''

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pso4oVc5fHk Some of the petty things the cops do to convince the dealers to move into Hamsterdam]], such as throwing their shoes down the drain, or driving them out to the forest and making them have to find their way back on foot.

--->'''Daniels''': "Cedric Daniels, but I usually go by Lieutenant."

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bi3iXYUzgDI Carvers pencil lost it's point.]]

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjzqO6UOPFQ The Shit Platitude]]:
--> "Let me tell you a story, Tommy. The first day I became mayor, they sit me down at the desk: big chair, dark wood, lots of beautiful things. I’m thinking, how much better can it get? There’s a knock at the door, in the corner of the room, and Pete comes walking in, carrying this gorgeous sieve, silver bowl, hand-chased—it was '''this''' big. ''It’s from the unions'', he says. So I think it’s a present, something to commemorate my first day as mayor...he walks over, puts it on the desk; I look down at it...it’s disgusting. I say, ''What the hell is this?'' he said, ''What the hell’s it look like?'' I said, ''it looks like shit—what do you want me to do with it?'' He says, ''eat it''... ''Eat it?'' He says, ''Yeah, you’re the mayor. You gotta eat it''. So okay, it was my first day; Pete knows more than I do...So i go at it. And just when i finish, there’s a knock on the door, and in walks Pete carrying another silver bowl. And this one from the blacks. ''This too?'' And he nods. I start eating, and when i’m finished, there’s another knock and another bowl. This one’s from the Polacks. Then after that, one from the ministers... And you know what, Tommy? That’s what it is. You’re sitting eating shit all day long. Day after day, year after year. When I realized that, I decided being a downtown lawyer and seeing my family every night made for a fine life."

** Carver sets up Herc for a meeting with the politically-savvy Valchek. Valchek laughs his ass off as Herc is recounting the story to him. Herc thinks he's gonna end on some boat like [=McNulty=], while Valchek tells him he's hit the jackpot.

** Inevitably, as Valchek predicts, Herc gets summoned by Royce. As Herc is going in for his meeting, he passes the same secretary, slurping her coffee, who looks at him like she's thinking "Yeah I know you saw me suck his dick, you lil' bald nigga. Now get goin'." Then he knocks on the door to Royce's office. Pause. Then knocks again and shouts "I'm coming in!" just to make sure he's not walking in on a repeat of the past incident.
*** Herc still manages to insert a faux pas during his brief explanation of why he took the mayoral detail:
-->"If I do good here, they'll reach down to me ''[hand gesture pointing to his lower body]''..."

* In the middle of nowhere, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9mO5BPc190 Rawls informs Carcetti and Norman that Odell Watkins is jumping the mayor's ship.]] After they part ways, the two politicians calmly wait until Rawls can't see their ecstatic reactions and then they run as if their lives depend on it.

* [[DumbasshasAPoint To general surprise (in-universe)]], Bodie shows his savviness by successfully alleging "contrapment" as a defense for his Hamsterdam business. [=McNulty=] is amused by it and when they meet the next season he greets Bodie as "Mr. Entrapment"

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJbRVXlpFEc "I don't think any of us wants to have to get a real job."]], observes Parker; after Royce, Burrell, and Demper argue over whose fault the crime problem is. Everyone breaks into laughter after a brief beat.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxsiZjHO7SA Carver posses Herc]] with the hypothetical of Herc having to have sex with a man for the reward of getting to sleep with [[Creator/MaryKateAndAshleyOlsen the Olsen twins]] afterwards. Herc spends most of the day trying to find a notch down from having sex with a man such as an old and ugly woman which finally culminates in him asking Carver, "How bout a handjob?" out of the blue whilst interviewing Poot. Poot's reaction face is what makes it. Finally, as they're in the parking lot, Herc makes his pick (former Baltimore Orioles catcher Gus Triandos, because Herc feels sorry for the fact he had to catch knuckleball pitcher Hoyt Wilhelm all those years). Then Dozerman walks by:

** Also funny is the fact that when the scene was filmed, the Olsen twins were around 18 years old. It's much funnier realizing that Herc is such a creep.

** To elaborate: the MCU has overheard Cheese talking on the wire about a "dawg" he killed and felt regretful about killing. They have him brought in and interrogated. Bunk and [=McNulty=] [[OneDialogueTwoConversations are under the impression that Cheese is confessing to killing a person named "Dog"]]. It's not until Cheese mentions where the body is, "unless the SPCA comes around", that they realize he was just talking about putting his dog out of its misery in a dogfight.
** The little hurt swelling in Cheese's voice when he replies to Bunk's mockery of his voice with "Man, y'all some cold ass motherfuckers", especially since he legitimately believes they brought him in just to fuck with him about his dog.

* Bernard's line of "I can't wait to go to jail", not wanting to spend another moment around Squeak.

* Kima, Lester and [=McNulty=] are photographing Drac, whom Lester says is the talkingest motherfucker ever heard on a wiretap. As proof, he plays back a tape where Drac tries to speak in code but eventually loses patience and shouts, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5BG-81hsH8 "Cocaine, nigga!"]]
** As Prez later remarks, "If that idiot worked for us, he'd be a Deputy Commissioner by now."
** The Major Crimes Unit comes up with an ingenious plan: to bust a dealer higher up the chain in hopes that Drac gets promoted and starts talking openly about Joe. When Burrell asks Daniels why he thinks Drac will get promoted even though he's a knucklehead, Daniels replies, "We do it all the time." [[ActuallyPrettyFunny Burrell can't help but chuckle]].

-->'''Rawls:''' Bunny, you cocksucker, I gotta give it to you. A brilliant idea. Insane and illegal, but stone fucking brilliant nonetheless! After all my putting my foot up people's asses to decrease the numbers, he comes in and in one stroke gets a fucking fourteen percent decrease. Fucking shame it's going to end our careers, but still.

* When Omar gives Levy the "I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase" [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yu3qIakos9k rebuke]], some FacialDialogue ensues. Levy turns his face to the judge demanding some call to order, Phelan responds with a shrug and funny face of his own which basically says "Man got a point, what do you want me to do?"

* Bunk tends his resignation to Landsman, dayly. Jay just drops the letter in his desk drawer without even giving it a look.

* [=McNulty=] acts like a racist, believing it will make a small town sheriff more amenable to helping him. Except that sheriff has a black girlfriend. Luckily [=McNulty=] also brought Kima along and lets her take over the negotiation, after which the sheriff comments that [=McNulty=] is "Kind of an asshole." Kima's response: "[[DeadpanSnarker For real?]]"

-->'''Rawls:''' Bunny, you cocksucker, I gotta give it to you. A brilliant idea. Insane and illegal, but stone fucking brilliant nonetheless. After all my putting my foot up people's asses to decrease the numbers, he comes in and in one stroke gets a fucking fourteen percent decrease. Fucking shame it's going to end our careers, but still.

* [[OOCIsSeriousBusiness The normally crude Herc actually being polite and shy]] when asking Beadie if she'd like to get a cup of coffee with him. Carver, of course, mocks him:

* Ziggy walking into the local bar wearing blind man shades and a "seeing-eye-duck" wearing a diamond collar. He then says it's his attorney, he and the rest of the bar proceed to give the damn thing scotch, which only succeeds in killing it.

** Inevitably, as Valchek predicts, Herc gets summoned by Royce. As Herc is going in for his meeting, he passes the same secretary, slurping her coffee, who looks at him like she's thinking "Yeah I know you saw me suck his dick, you lil' bald nigga. Now get goin'." Then he knocks on the door to Royce's office once. Pause. Then knocks again and shouts "I'm coming in!" just to make sure he's not walking in on a repeat of the past incident.
*** Herc still manages to insert a faux pas during his brief explanation "If I do good here, they'll reach down to me ''[hand gesture pointing to his lower body]''..."
*** The double entendre that closes the meeting:

-->'''Royce:''' ''[smiles]'' Don't mention it.