History Funny / TheTakingOfPelhamOneTwoThree

-->'''Bureau Commander:''' [sarcastic] Terrific! Tell him we'll hold the crowd.

-->'''Caz:''' [after summoning a plumber to recover Mrs. Jenkin's wedding ring] Classification's been open to women for a month and already we're in a goddamn toilet.

-->'''Caz:''' [after coworker says to go easy on the lanuage] Oh, come on! If I gotta watch my language just because they let a few broads in I'm gonna quit! How the hell can you run a goddamn railroad without swearing?!

-->'''Motorman Doyle:''' They were gonna kill me for God's sake!
-->'''Caz:''' You're like the captain of a ship, you're supposed to go down with it!

* Garber, trolling the Japanese metro officials around because he thinks they can't understand him: "There's our artist in residence. And right through here is our operations lieutentant, Mr Rico Patrone, who on weekends works for the Mafia."

-->'''Caz:''' "You're like the captain of a ship, you're supposed to go down with it!"
-->'''Old lady:''' "Horseshit!"

* As Garber takes the Japanese officials into the transit police HQ and begins talking about it:

* Garber's introduction of the cantankerous Train Master during the tour:

* At the beginning of the 1974 film, Garber is asked to act as tour guide for a deputation of senior officials from the Tokyo transit system. He asks them to follow him and walks off, launching into a bored recitation of the usual spiel about how the New York City metro system has X thousand miles of track, etc. Then he realises that they're not following him, and infers that they don't speak English. As the first act unfolds, his explanation to them of what they're seeing gets more and more ridiculous (since he assumes that they don't understand what he's saying). Finally, when it's become clear that there's a hijack underway, he tells someone to "...take these monkeys up to thirteen?" The leader of the deputation says in perfect English, with a friendly smile, "It is all right, Lieutenant Garber. I'm sure we can find it by ourselves." They all bow politely and leave, each thanking Garber in perfect English. It's worth it just for the look on Walter Matthau's face.

* Garber's introduction of Train Master during the tour:

-->Caz: "You're like the captain of a ship, you're supposed to go down with it!"
-->Old lady: "Horseshit!"
-->Caz: Oh you, lady, butt out!
-->Caz: "Why don't you grab a goddamned aeroplane like everyone else?!"
-->Grey: "Because we're afraid of flying!"

-->'''Garber:''' You're a sick man, Rico!

-->Caz: "You're like the captain of a ship, you're supposed to go down with it!" Old lady: "Horseshit!"
-->Caz: "Why don't you go grab a goddamned aeroplane like everyone else?!" Grey: "Because we're afraid of flying!"

'''Bureau Commander:''' [surprised] Jesus, it's the goddamn mayor!

* Rico: "I've worked out how they're going to get away. They're going to fly the train to Cuba."

* At the beginning of the 1974 film, Garber is asked to act as tour guide for a deputation of senior officials from the Tokyo transit system. He asks them to follow him and walks off, launching into a bored recitation of the usual spiel about how the New York City metro system has X thousand miles of track, etc. Then he realises that they're not following him, and infers that they don't speak English. As the first act unfolds, his explanation to them of what they're seeing gets more and more ridiculous (since he assumes that they don't understand what he's saying). Finally, when it's become clear that there's a hijack underway, he tells someone to "...get these monkeys outa here, will you?" The leader of the deputation says in perfect English, with a friendly smile, "It is all right, Lieutenant Garber. We can find our own way out." They all bow politely and leave. It's worth it just for the look on Walter Matthau's face.

* When the crowd starts shouting angrily down the street, Garber's partner correctly infers that the mayor has arrived.

** Garber, trolling the Japanese metro officials around because he thinks they can't understand him: "There's our artist in residence. And right through here is our operations lieutentant, Mr Rico Patrone, who on weekends works for the Mafia."

* After speculating the whole time about whether the undercover cop is a man or a woman, [[spoiler:it turns out to be the guy dressed as a hippie. Except when Garber gets there he's unconscious with his face down, and Garber assumes he's a woman.]]

* At the beginning of the 1974 film, Garber is asked to act as tour guide for a deputation of senior officials from the Tokyo transit system. He asks them to follow him and walks off, launching into a bored recitation of the usual spiel about how the New York City metro system has X thousand miles of track, etc. Then he realises that they're not following him, and infers that they don't speak English. As the first act unfolds, his explanation to them of what they're seeing gets more and more ridiculous (since he assumes that they don't understand what he's saying). Finally, when the situation has got so serious that he has to devote himself to it, he tells someone to "...get these monkeys outa here, will you?" The leader of the deputation says in perfect English, with a friendly smile, "It is all right, Lieutenant Garber. We can find our own way out." They all bow politely and leave. It's worth it just for the look on Walter Matthau's face.

-->'''Gruber:''' That's our man right there.

* "You won't believe it." "You know me, I'd believe anything." "A train's been hijacked." (beat) "I don't believe it."

->'''Mayor''': What?
->'''Mayor's Wife''': Eighteen sure votes.

* '''Mayor's Wife''': I know a million dollars sounds like a lot of money. But just think what you'll get in return.

* Rico has a list of motormen dismissed for cause, and therefore possible suspects. There's 74 of them, but some are dead, rehired, moved out of the area, etc. "...and one who's a member of the New York Police Department."

* "I've worked out how they're going to get away. They're going to fly the train to Cuba."

* "You won't believe it." "You know me, I'd believe anything." "A train's been hijacked." (beat) "I don't believe it."

* "Why don't you hijack a plane?!" "We're scared of flying!"