Is there an issue? Send a MessageReason:
None
Changed line(s) 504 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Bill''': Here we go now! Really sloooow! Nearly limping! 'Cause he's old, old, old! Old, old, old, old, old, old oooooold!
to:
* During the Ant Sequence, when a Soviet soldier gets eaten by ants:
-->'''Bill:''' Why did I use honey as a sunscreen?!
-->'''Bill:''' Why did I use honey as a sunscreen?!
Changed line(s) 540 (click to see context) from:
to:
* When the Mike and Kevin riff on the scene where [[spoiler: Boromir]] is shot to death by an Uruk Hai:
** "Ooh, that's gonna wreck his golf swing."
** "Well, I guess it's time to die now. Give my helmet to the dwarf and -- [[ISurrenderSuckers FREEDOM!!!!]]"
** "I could use a hot shower and maybe a mug of beer and-- (gets shot by the third arrow) -- Oh! Or a nice arrow in the lung would be good, to. [[SarcasmMode Thank you]]."
** "See you later, Sir Pin Cushion." "Yeah, 'Gore-amir'!" "Loser, he's from 'Gondork'!"
** "Ooh, that's gonna wreck his golf swing."
** "Well, I guess it's time to die now. Give my helmet to the dwarf and -- [[ISurrenderSuckers FREEDOM!!!!]]"
** "I could use a hot shower and maybe a mug of beer and-- (gets shot by the third arrow) -- Oh! Or a nice arrow in the lung would be good, to. [[SarcasmMode Thank you]]."
** "See you later, Sir Pin Cushion." "Yeah, 'Gore-amir'!" "Loser, he's from 'Gondork'!"
Changed line(s) 556 (click to see context) from:
--> '''All (as orcs stomping their spears, in unison)''': Ow my foot. Ow my foot. Ow my foot.
to:
--> '''All (as orcs Uruk Hai troops stomping their spears, in unison)''': Ow my foot. Ow my foot. Ow my foot.foot.
**Later:
--> '''Kevin (as Uruk Hai):''' "Ow, why are we doing this?"
--> '''Bill (as Uruk Hai):''' "Sergeant, can we stop?"
--> '''Mike (as Uruk Hai):''' "No, crush those feet!"
--> '''Kevin (as Uruk Hai):''' "Why?!"
--> '''Mike (as Uruk Hai):''' "It is Orc law!"
**Later:
--> '''Kevin (as Uruk Hai):''' "Ow, why are we doing this?"
--> '''Bill (as Uruk Hai):''' "Sergeant, can we stop?"
--> '''Mike (as Uruk Hai):''' "No, crush those feet!"
--> '''Kevin (as Uruk Hai):''' "Why?!"
--> '''Mike (as Uruk Hai):''' "It is Orc law!"
Added DiffLines:
* When the old guy ends up shooting the arrow when he wasn't supposed to:
**'''Mike:''' "[[SarcasmMode Oh nice one.]] Why don't you just [[WorldWarI shoot Archduke Ferdinand]] next time?"
**'''Mike:''' "[[SarcasmMode Oh nice one.]] Why don't you just [[WorldWarI shoot Archduke Ferdinand]] next time?"
Added DiffLines:
* When Anakin meets Padme (who is wearing her hair in the bun style) again:
-->'''Mike:''' MickeyMouse is waiting for him.
-->'''Kevin (imitating MickeyMouse):''' ''(chuckles)'' Hi, Anakin!
-->'''Mike:''' MickeyMouse is waiting for him.
-->'''Kevin (imitating MickeyMouse):''' ''(chuckles)'' Hi, Anakin!
Is there an issue? Send a MessageReason:
None
Added DiffLines:
* Aragorn, Theoden, and Rifftrax discuss Middle Earth geopolitics:
--> '''Aragorn''': Send for aid from Gondor-
--> '''Theoden'''(*angrily): Gondor!
--> '''Mike''' (*in a Southern prospector/hillbilly voice): Ooh, A' really hates that Gondor!
--> '''Aragorn''': Send for aid from Gondor-
--> '''Theoden'''(*angrily): Gondor!
--> '''Mike''' (*in a Southern prospector/hillbilly voice): Ooh, A' really hates that Gondor!
Is there an issue? Send a MessageReason:
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Changed line(s) 713 (click to see context) from:
--> '''SteveRogers (grimly):''' "I had a date..."
to:
--> '''SteveRogers '''Steve Rogers (grimly):''' "I had a date..."
Is there an issue? Send a MessageReason:
None
--> '''Bill (as Odin):''' "OW, MY TOE, I THINK I JUST BROKE IT!"
--> '''Bill (as Odin):''' "OW, TOE, AGAIN!"
--> '''Bill (as Odin):''' "OW, TOE, AGAIN!"
Changed line(s) 700 (click to see context) from:
--> '''Bill:''' Ooh! Didn't expect that! Glad I'm testing this thing now; [[ShoutOut I was gonna]] [[JoeJohnsoton use this thing to]] [[HoneyIShrunkTheKids shrink the kids later]]."
to:
--> '''Bill:''' Ooh! Didn't expect that! Glad I'm testing this thing now; [[ShoutOut I was gonna]] [[JoeJohnsoton [[JoeJohnston use this thing to]] [[HoneyIShrunkTheKids shrink the kids later]]."
Changed line(s) 705 (click to see context) from:
--> '''Bill (as Red Skull):''' [[ActorAllusion Though you really]] [[TakeThat ate it in]] {{Film/ScottPilgrimVsTheWorld Scott Pilgrim}}!
to:
--> '''Bill (as Red Skull):''' [[ActorAllusion Though you really]] [[TakeThat ate it in]] {{Film/ScottPilgrimVsTheWorld [[ScottPilgrimVsTheWorld Scott Pilgrim}}!Pilgrim]]!
Deleted line(s) 709 (click to see context) :
Changed line(s) 711 (click to see context) from:
to:
*The ending:
--> '''SteveRogers (grimly):''' "I had a date..."
--> '''Bill (as Steve):''' [[IncrediblyLamePun "It's my favorite dried fruit, and I lost it."]]
--> *Bonk sound*
--> '''Bill:''' "Ow!"
--> '''Kevin:''' "You asked for that."
--> '''Mike:''' "Wow! Kevin, where did you get a shield?"
--> '''Kevin:''' "I've always had one."
--> '''Mike:''' Huh! Well, as Kevin goes to pick up his shield and throw it once again at Bill--"
--> '''Bill:''' "KEVIN, NO! I KNOW IT WASN'T A GREAT JOKE! I'M SORRY!"
--> *Bonk sound*
--> '''Bill:''' "OW!!"
--> '''Kevin:''' "Take that, Red Skull!"
--> '''Bill:''' "IT'S RED WITH BLOOD!!"
--> '''Mike:''' "---we'll say good bye from RiffTrax.com."
--> *Bonk sound*
--> '''Bill:''' "OW!!!!"
--> '''Kevin:''' "There we go!"
--> '''SteveRogers (grimly):''' "I had a date..."
--> '''Bill (as Steve):''' [[IncrediblyLamePun "It's my favorite dried fruit, and I lost it."]]
--> *Bonk sound*
--> '''Bill:''' "Ow!"
--> '''Kevin:''' "You asked for that."
--> '''Mike:''' "Wow! Kevin, where did you get a shield?"
--> '''Kevin:''' "I've always had one."
--> '''Mike:''' Huh! Well, as Kevin goes to pick up his shield and throw it once again at Bill--"
--> '''Bill:''' "KEVIN, NO! I KNOW IT WASN'T A GREAT JOKE! I'M SORRY!"
--> *Bonk sound*
--> '''Bill:''' "OW!!"
--> '''Kevin:''' "Take that, Red Skull!"
--> '''Bill:''' "IT'S RED WITH BLOOD!!"
--> '''Mike:''' "---we'll say good bye from RiffTrax.com."
--> *Bonk sound*
--> '''Bill:''' "OW!!!!"
--> '''Kevin:''' "There we go!"
Is there an issue? Send a MessageReason:
added to captain america
Changed line(s) 285 (click to see context) from:
to:
* When Tom Riddle (aka Voldemort) summons the basilisk by speaking in Parsletongue:
--> '''Bill:''' "Yeah, he just asked him to "embroider your kidney". Does ANYONE speak REAL snake around here?!"
--> '''Bill:''' "Yeah, he just asked him to "embroider your kidney". Does ANYONE speak REAL snake around here?!"
Changed line(s) 507 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Bill''': ''(as the native)'' Oh! Loading the darts in backwards was a poor decision!
to:
Changed line(s) 686 (click to see context) from:
* This TakeThat to ChrisEvans, who was also The Human Torch in [[Film/FantasticFour]].
to:
* This TakeThat to ChrisEvans, who was also The Human Torch in [[Film/FantasticFour]].{{Film/FantasticFour}}.
Changed line(s) 689,690 (click to see context) from:
--> Mike: This also prohibits you from doing anymore FantasticFour sequels.
to:
--> Mike: This also prohibits you from doing anymore FantasticFour {{Film/FantasticFour}} sequels.
*When the HYDRA agent that kills Dr. Erskine [[SuicidePill kills himself]] [[BetterToDieThanBeKilled after being caught by Steve Rogers after saying "Hail Hydra"]]:
--> '''Mike:''' (scoffs) Wow. Gotta be embarrassing to botch your dying "Heil Hitler" that way if you're Nazi.
--> '''Kevin:''' I think he said "Hail Hydra".
--> '''Mike:''' Oh, so INFINITELY more embarrassing.
* When one of the three Nazi Officers discovers that one of Red Skull's targets in his bombing is Berlin:
-->'''Nazi Officer:''' Berlin is on this map!
-->'''Kevin (as Red Skull):''' Of course it is! Practice your world capital geography another time!
*When the Red Skull vaporizes the three Nazis so that they would not report back to Hitler with his vaporizing gun:
--> '''Bill:''' Ooh! Didn't expect that! Glad I'm testing this thing now; [[ShoutOut I was gonna]] [[JoeJohnsoton use this thing to]] [[HoneyIShrunkTheKids shrink the kids later]]."
--> (After the last one gets vaporized)
--> '''Mike:''' Aw. Poor guys. Never even had the chance to be tried for war crimes.
*When Captain America meets Johan Schmidt for the first time:
--> '''Johan Schmidt (aka the Red Skull)''': I am a great fan of your films!
--> '''Bill (as Red Skull):''' [[ActorAllusion Though you really]] [[TakeThat ate it in]] {{Film/ScottPilgrimVsTheWorld Scott Pilgrim}}!
*The Northwest/Delta Airline Joke:
--> '''Steve Rogers:''' "It's not gonna be a smooth landing."
--> '''Kevin:''' "Still I prefer this flight to Delta."
*When Bill thinks that in Captain America's photo of Peggy Carter (his love interest) has a mustache, it turns into a long joke until having to be stopped by Mike.
*When the HYDRA agent that kills Dr. Erskine [[SuicidePill kills himself]] [[BetterToDieThanBeKilled after being caught by Steve Rogers after saying "Hail Hydra"]]:
--> '''Mike:''' (scoffs) Wow. Gotta be embarrassing to botch your dying "Heil Hitler" that way if you're Nazi.
--> '''Kevin:''' I think he said "Hail Hydra".
--> '''Mike:''' Oh, so INFINITELY more embarrassing.
* When one of the three Nazi Officers discovers that one of Red Skull's targets in his bombing is Berlin:
-->'''Nazi Officer:''' Berlin is on this map!
-->'''Kevin (as Red Skull):''' Of course it is! Practice your world capital geography another time!
*When the Red Skull vaporizes the three Nazis so that they would not report back to Hitler with his vaporizing gun:
--> '''Bill:''' Ooh! Didn't expect that! Glad I'm testing this thing now; [[ShoutOut I was gonna]] [[JoeJohnsoton use this thing to]] [[HoneyIShrunkTheKids shrink the kids later]]."
--> (After the last one gets vaporized)
--> '''Mike:''' Aw. Poor guys. Never even had the chance to be tried for war crimes.
*When Captain America meets Johan Schmidt for the first time:
--> '''Johan Schmidt (aka the Red Skull)''': I am a great fan of your films!
--> '''Bill (as Red Skull):''' [[ActorAllusion Though you really]] [[TakeThat ate it in]] {{Film/ScottPilgrimVsTheWorld Scott Pilgrim}}!
*The Northwest/Delta Airline Joke:
--> '''Steve Rogers:''' "It's not gonna be a smooth landing."
--> '''Kevin:''' "Still I prefer this flight to Delta."
*When Bill thinks that in Captain America's photo of Peggy Carter (his love interest) has a mustache, it turns into a long joke until having to be stopped by Mike.
Is there an issue? Send a MessageReason:
None
Changed line(s) 296 (click to see context) from:
--> '''Hermione:''' ''(pointing at Lupin)'' He's a werewolf! That's why he's missing classes!
to:
--> '''Hermione:''' ''(pointing at Lupin)'' He's a werewolf! That's why he's been missing classes!classes.
Changed line(s) 300 (click to see context) from:
--> '''Mike:''' OH GOD, not THAT low!
to:
--> '''Mike:''' OH GOD, no, not THAT low!low!
**When Hagrid tells Harry to stand still:
--> Bill: Oh g*d, no, not THAT STILL! RUN!
**When Hagrid tells Harry to stand still:
--> Bill: Oh g*d, no, not THAT STILL! RUN!
Changed line(s) 313 (click to see context) from:
--> "Ah, so you need parent's permission to visit the local tea shop but Quidditch? The less parents know the better."
to:
--> "Ah, so '''Kevin''': "So you need parent's parental permission to go ob a visit to the local tea shop toffee shop, but Quidditch? The for Quidditch, the less parents know the better."
--> '''Bill''': "This is terrible! Having to write that paper on werewolves I mean."
--> '''Bill''': "This is terrible! Having to write that paper on werewolves I mean."
Changed line(s) 316 (click to see context) from:
--> '''Mike''': SCABBERS!!
to:
--> '''Mike''': '''Mike (As Ron)''': SCABBERS!!
--> '''Bill''' and '''Kevin''': AHHHHHHHHH!
Changed line(s) 349 (click to see context) from:
---> '''Kevin''': Like the Munich Agreement
to:
---> '''Kevin''': '''Bill''': Like the Munich AgreementAgreement.
Changed line(s) 351 (click to see context) from:
---> '''Kevin''': OUR NEW FUHRER!!!
to:
---> '''Kevin''': '''Mike''': OUR NEW FUHRER!!!
Changed line(s) 354 (click to see context) from:
---> '''Mike''': Let's see, he was zapped by a fat, bucked-toothed man holding an evil baby.
to:
---> '''Mike''': '''Kevin''': Let's see, he was zapped by a fat, bucked-toothed man holding an evil baby.
Changed line(s) 357 (click to see context) from:
---> '''Mike''': YOU NEED TO OVERACT, YOU NEED TO PUSH.THE LIMITS.OF HAMINESS!!!
to:
---> '''Mike''': '''Bill''': YOU NEED TO OVERACT, YOU NEED TO PUSH.THE LIMITS.OF HAMINESS!!!
Changed line(s) 419,421 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Mike:''' "Cold is just a state of mind, like happiness, or penguins."
** "If the kitchens ever ran out of pudding, I'd kill everyone in the school."
** "I only eat moonbeams."
** "If the kitchens ever ran out of pudding, I'd kill everyone in the school."
** "I only eat moonbeams."
to:
-->'''Kevin:''' "Cold is just a state of mind, like happiness, or penguins."
**
**
Changed line(s) 678 (click to see context) from:
to:
* At Johan Schmidt's factory:
--> Johan Schmidt (aka The Red Skull): Increase production output by 60% and see to it that our other facilities do the same.
-->'''Bill (as Red Skull):''' "[[ChristmasRushed I want the iFuher out by Christmas]]."
*This TakeThat to ChrisEvans, who was also The Human Torch in [[Film/FantasticFour]].
--> 4F Doctor: I'm saving your life.
---> (Stamps 4F onto the registration.)
--> Mike: This also prohibits you from doing anymore FantasticFour sequels.
--> Johan Schmidt (aka The Red Skull): Increase production output by 60% and see to it that our other facilities do the same.
-->'''Bill (as Red Skull):''' "[[ChristmasRushed I want the iFuher out by Christmas]]."
*This TakeThat to ChrisEvans, who was also The Human Torch in [[Film/FantasticFour]].
--> 4F Doctor: I'm saving your life.
---> (Stamps 4F onto the registration.)
--> Mike: This also prohibits you from doing anymore FantasticFour sequels.
Is there an issue? Send a MessageReason:
added to Marvel Cinematic Universe
Changed line(s) 161 (click to see context) from:
'''Kevin:''' For the last time, NO!
to:
[[AC: Iron Man'']]
* "[[TheBigLebowski The Dude]], [[HeyItsThatGuy International CEO.]]"
* When Tony is chatting up the journalist and looking very skeevy:
-->'''Mike''': Glasses from the "I Own A Dirty Bookshop" collection.\\
'''Bill''': Beard and mustache from the "Guy Who Makes Lewd Comments About His Own Nieces" collection of beards and mustaches.\\
'''Kevin''': Slicked-back hair from the "Brother-In-Law Who Threw Up At Your Daughter's First Communion Party" line of slicked-back hair.
* Kevin mistaking "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies for a Keanu Reeves monologue, and continuing the song in his own words when Tony turns off the radio.
--> "THERE'S BUGLES ALL OVER THE FLOOR!"
* When Tony shows his weapons to the troops:
-->'''Tony''': I PREFER the weapon you only HAVE to fire ONCE!\\
'''Kevin''': I SAY things with emphasis ON words THAT may not HAVE gotten them NORMALLY!
* [[DisproportionateRetribution "And this is just for an overdue book from the Kandahar library."]]
* ''[while Tony is building his reactor]''
-->'''Yinsen:''' What is that?
-->'''Kevin:''' ''(as Tony Stark)'' It's called a "cram it four eyes."
-->'''Bill:''' ''(as Yinsen)'' Oh really, I thought tha- HEY!
* When Tony Stark is wandering through the desert after escaping:
-->'''Kevin''': Guys...I'm having...''{{Ishtar}}'' flashbacks...''(starts gasping for breath)''\\
'''Mike''': No! We're losing Kevin! Bill, give him [[CrowningMusicOfAwesome 20cc of]] ''LawrenceOfArabia'' soundtrack, stat!\\
'''Bill''': Uh, roger! ''(starts humming ''LawrenceOfArabia'' music)''\\
''(Kevin calms down)''\\
'''Mike''': Oh, good...he's coming out of it, good. Kevin?\\
'''Kevin''': I-is that PeterOToole?\\
'''Mike''': Yes, Kevin, you trooper! Yes, it ''is'' PeterOToole!\\
'''Bill''': [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial It is definitely not]] WarrenBeatty or DustinHoffman!\\
''(A helicopter flies over Tony Stark from out of nowhere.)''\\
'''Mike''': [[OhCrap Oh no!]]\\
'''Kevin''': ''(gasping again)'' ''{{Ishtar}}''...can't breathe...\\
'''Bill''': Sorry! ''(starts humming ''LawrenceOfArabia'' music again)''
* "Summer 2009: [[AC:Robert Downey, Jr. IS John Henry]]!!!"
* "Doctor's got a Ph. D. in ''killing you''."
* "Xana''dude'': L. A. home of [[Film/CitizenKane Charles Foster Kane]] III."
* When Tony first attacks the terrorists in the cave with the original suit:
-->'''Kevin''': The new and improved [[Film/TheWizardOfOz Tin Man]]!\\
'''Bill''': Oil can replaced by [[BadAss can of Whoop-Ass]].\\
'''Mike''': Seth Rogen--assassin.
* This little bit when Stark returns to the Middle East village:
-->'''Bill (as Iron Man)''': Give me a reason not to smite thee!\\
'''Kevin''': I'm being held captive here against my will!\\
'''Bill''': Can't hear you, smiting.
* Or this when we meet the, aptly named, main villain.
-->'''Announcer''': Howard Stark's lifelong friend and ally, Obadiah Stane\\
'''All''': Obadiah Stane?!\\
'''Bill''': Did they consider naming him "Menacing T. Badperson"?
* At the start of Tony's press conference.
-->'''Stane''': ''[over a microphone, audible pause]'' Aaahh...\\
'''Kevin''': That's a moose! Okay now ''you'' do an animal.
* Any joke about Robert Downey, Jr.'s [[strike:past]] everlasting drug problems.
** '''Mike:''' HEROIN! I mean HELP!
** '''Kevin:''' I WANT COCAINE! I mean GET ME OUT OF HERE!
** '''Bill:''' VALIUM! I mean OH MY GOD!
* "I brought you some steak and some spinach; [[IncrediblyLamePun your diet needs more iron, man!]] (laughs weakly).
* KeanuReeves monologue. Nuff said.
* Turning Pepper into TheDitz. "Which one is Spider-Man?"
* Bill's "Ow!" as the mask slams shut over Tony's face.
[[AC: Thor]]
* The description brings up the 1985 DorkAge where Thor was turned into a frog and led a frog army, concluding with "This actually happened and you should look it up right now."
* When Selvig says Thor's on steroids: "Just check his balls. They're tiny!"
* Odin breaking his toe, twice.
* Mike and Kevin's outrage that Bill would say anyone is as bad as the cast of ''JerseyShore''.
* "Is there something in my mouth?"
* After a tender scene in the RV, it cuts to a fire.
--->'''Bill:''' THEN SHE BURNED HIM ALIVE AND ATE HIS FLESH!!!!
--->'''Mike:''' Wow, what a shocking and audacious ending-- Aw damn it.
* After Loki reveals his blue skin to Odin: "Okay, okay. I knocked up [[Film/CharlieAndTheChocolateFactory Violet Beauregarde]]."
* When Loki finds out he's [[spoiler: Laufey's son]].
--->'''Loki:''' Laufey's son...
--->'''Bill:''' I'm not sending two Father's Day cards.
* The endless fun they have with the word Odinsleep.
** "He's Odin-snoring like crazy."
** "Especially when the allfather is Odinsleeping."
** "Can a guy GET SOME ODINSLEEP PLEASE?"
** "Odin's chambers. What better place to Odinsleep.
** "I AM TRYING TO ODINSLEEP!"
** They continue making Odinsleep jokes in the RiffTrax Commentaries for CaptainAmericaTheFirstAvenger and TheAvengers.
* Thor can't lift Mjolnir: "Must I now whack moles with my bare hands?"
** When Thor does a SkywardScream after failing to lift Mjolnir and goes into a HeroicBSOD: "Hmm. Maybe *yelling* is Norwegian for '[[BigNo NO]]!!!!!!!!!'"
* LampshadeHanging how expected the ActorAllusion jokes have become: "To avoid crucifixion by ''TheWire'' fans, we're obliged to point out that this guy played Stringer Bell."
* As Mjolnir is thrown to Earth: "Oh, please, please, PLEASE let a mischievous monkey find it!"
* Mike: (As Jane) "Listen, [[RunningGag how do you feel about sand?]] [[AttackOfTheClones My last boyfriend was so hung up by it; it's so annoying]]."
* "I only have one hand! Oh right, the eye patch."
* When Loki is lying under Thor's hammer:
--> '''Mike''': My horns are stuck.
* This:
--> '''Thor:''' You can't kill an entire race!
--> '''Loki:''' Why not?
--> '''Mike:''' Ah, the rarely-used 'why not' defense of genocide.
* As Thor enters the halls of Valhalla to triumphant fanfare:
-->'''Bill''':''(As Thor) That's right! GOT A COMIC BOOK DEAL BABY!''
* Disembaudio singing along with the Foo Fighters over the credits.
* "[[TheBigLebowski The Dude]], [[HeyItsThatGuy International CEO.]]"
* When Tony is chatting up the journalist and looking very skeevy:
-->'''Mike''': Glasses from the "I Own A Dirty Bookshop" collection.\\
'''Bill''': Beard and mustache from the "Guy Who Makes Lewd Comments About His Own Nieces" collection of beards and mustaches.\\
'''Kevin''': Slicked-back hair from the "Brother-In-Law Who Threw Up At Your Daughter's First Communion Party" line of slicked-back hair.
* Kevin mistaking "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies for a Keanu Reeves monologue, and continuing the song in his own words when Tony turns off the radio.
--> "THERE'S BUGLES ALL OVER THE FLOOR!"
* When Tony shows his weapons to the troops:
-->'''Tony''': I PREFER the weapon you only HAVE to fire ONCE!\\
'''Kevin''': I SAY things with emphasis ON words THAT may not HAVE gotten them NORMALLY!
* [[DisproportionateRetribution "And this is just for an overdue book from the Kandahar library."]]
* ''[while Tony is building his reactor]''
-->'''Yinsen:''' What is that?
-->'''Kevin:''' ''(as Tony Stark)'' It's called a "cram it four eyes."
-->'''Bill:''' ''(as Yinsen)'' Oh really, I thought tha- HEY!
* When Tony Stark is wandering through the desert after escaping:
-->'''Kevin''': Guys...I'm having...''{{Ishtar}}'' flashbacks...''(starts gasping for breath)''\\
'''Mike''': No! We're losing Kevin! Bill, give him [[CrowningMusicOfAwesome 20cc of]] ''LawrenceOfArabia'' soundtrack, stat!\\
'''Bill''': Uh, roger! ''(starts humming ''LawrenceOfArabia'' music)''\\
''(Kevin calms down)''\\
'''Mike''': Oh, good...he's coming out of it, good. Kevin?\\
'''Kevin''': I-is that PeterOToole?\\
'''Mike''': Yes, Kevin, you trooper! Yes, it ''is'' PeterOToole!\\
'''Bill''': [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial It is definitely not]] WarrenBeatty or DustinHoffman!\\
''(A helicopter flies over Tony Stark from out of nowhere.)''\\
'''Mike''': [[OhCrap Oh no!]]\\
'''Kevin''': ''(gasping again)'' ''{{Ishtar}}''...can't breathe...\\
'''Bill''': Sorry! ''(starts humming ''LawrenceOfArabia'' music again)''
* "Summer 2009: [[AC:Robert Downey, Jr. IS John Henry]]!!!"
* "Doctor's got a Ph. D. in ''killing you''."
* "Xana''dude'': L. A. home of [[Film/CitizenKane Charles Foster Kane]] III."
* When Tony first attacks the terrorists in the cave with the original suit:
-->'''Kevin''': The new and improved [[Film/TheWizardOfOz Tin Man]]!\\
'''Bill''': Oil can replaced by [[BadAss can of Whoop-Ass]].\\
'''Mike''': Seth Rogen--assassin.
* This little bit when Stark returns to the Middle East village:
-->'''Bill (as Iron Man)''': Give me a reason not to smite thee!\\
'''Kevin''': I'm being held captive here against my will!\\
'''Bill''': Can't hear you, smiting.
* Or this when we meet the, aptly named, main villain.
-->'''Announcer''': Howard Stark's lifelong friend and ally, Obadiah Stane\\
'''All''': Obadiah Stane?!\\
'''Bill''': Did they consider naming him "Menacing T. Badperson"?
* At the start of Tony's press conference.
-->'''Stane''': ''[over a microphone, audible pause]'' Aaahh...\\
'''Kevin''': That's a moose! Okay now ''you'' do an animal.
* Any joke about Robert Downey, Jr.'s [[strike:past]] everlasting drug problems.
** '''Mike:''' HEROIN! I mean HELP!
** '''Kevin:''' I WANT COCAINE! I mean GET ME OUT OF HERE!
** '''Bill:''' VALIUM! I mean OH MY GOD!
* "I brought you some steak and some spinach; [[IncrediblyLamePun your diet needs more iron, man!]] (laughs weakly).
* KeanuReeves monologue. Nuff said.
* Turning Pepper into TheDitz. "Which one is Spider-Man?"
* Bill's "Ow!" as the mask slams shut over Tony's face.
[[AC: Thor]]
* The description brings up the 1985 DorkAge where Thor was turned into a frog and led a frog army, concluding with "This actually happened and you should look it up right now."
* When Selvig says Thor's on steroids: "Just check his balls. They're tiny!"
* Odin breaking his toe, twice.
* Mike and Kevin's outrage that Bill would say anyone is as bad as the cast of ''JerseyShore''.
* "Is there something in my mouth?"
* After a tender scene in the RV, it cuts to a fire.
--->'''Bill:''' THEN SHE BURNED HIM ALIVE AND ATE HIS FLESH!!!!
--->'''Mike:''' Wow, what a shocking and audacious ending-- Aw damn it.
* After Loki reveals his blue skin to Odin: "Okay, okay. I knocked up [[Film/CharlieAndTheChocolateFactory Violet Beauregarde]]."
* When Loki finds out he's [[spoiler: Laufey's son]].
--->'''Loki:''' Laufey's son...
--->'''Bill:''' I'm not sending two Father's Day cards.
* The endless fun they have with the word Odinsleep.
** "He's Odin-snoring like crazy."
** "Especially when the allfather is Odinsleeping."
** "Can a guy GET SOME ODINSLEEP PLEASE?"
** "Odin's chambers. What better place to Odinsleep.
** "I AM TRYING TO ODINSLEEP!"
** They continue making Odinsleep jokes in the RiffTrax Commentaries for CaptainAmericaTheFirstAvenger and TheAvengers.
* Thor can't lift Mjolnir: "Must I now whack moles with my bare hands?"
** When Thor does a SkywardScream after failing to lift Mjolnir and goes into a HeroicBSOD: "Hmm. Maybe *yelling* is Norwegian for '[[BigNo NO]]!!!!!!!!!'"
* LampshadeHanging how expected the ActorAllusion jokes have become: "To avoid crucifixion by ''TheWire'' fans, we're obliged to point out that this guy played Stringer Bell."
* As Mjolnir is thrown to Earth: "Oh, please, please, PLEASE let a mischievous monkey find it!"
* Mike: (As Jane) "Listen, [[RunningGag how do you feel about sand?]] [[AttackOfTheClones My last boyfriend was so hung up by it; it's so annoying]]."
* "I only have one hand! Oh right, the eye patch."
* When Loki is lying under Thor's hammer:
--> '''Mike''': My horns are stuck.
* This:
--> '''Thor:''' You can't kill an entire race!
--> '''Loki:''' Why not?
--> '''Mike:''' Ah, the rarely-used 'why not' defense of genocide.
* As Thor enters the halls of Valhalla to triumphant fanfare:
-->'''Bill''':''(As Thor) That's right! GOT A COMIC BOOK DEAL BABY!''
* Disembaudio singing along with the Foo Fighters over the credits.
[[AC: The Avengers]]
* "Why Hulk wear thong!? WHY HULK EVER WEAR THONG!?"
* When Nick Fury tries to stop rogue planes from nuking New York City: "I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE [[SnakesOnAPlane MOTHER*bleep*ING ROGUE BIRDS ON THIS MOTHER*blee*ING HELLICARRIER!"]]
** The sheer number of times they have Nick Fury resist saying mother*beep*er in this PG-13 movie.
* The time Bill Corbett starts to quip and Downey Jr steals his line. For the next several minutes Bill tries to out quip Downey as Kevin and Mike keep hitting him.
* When Thor is holding all the reinforcements at bay in the portal with lighning.
-->'''Mike:''' Wow so just keep doing that?
-->'''Bill:''' Yeah between that and [[WhatKindOfLamePowerIsHeartAnyway Hawkeye standing on a roof with a bow and arrow we're all set.]]
* The Endless fun they have with Hawkeye saying that he sees better from a distance.
* When [[spoiler: BrainwashedAndCrazy Hawkeye and a squad of henchmen]] approach the helicarrier to attack it:
-->'''Female SHIELD Traffic Control Person:''' We got you on the computer, but not on the data log. What is your haul? Over.
-->'''Pilot:''' Arms and ammunition, over.
-->'''Kevin (as the pilot):''' [[ActorAllusion Oh and we also got]] [[JeremyRenner a guy who claims that he was in]] [[TheBourneSeries that new Bourne movie]], but none of us saw it or really care, over.
* Natalie Portman's lack of appearance in the film:
-->'''Coulson:''' As soon as Loki took the doctor, we moved Jane Foster.
-->'''Bill:''' She's safe on "Retcon Island".
* When Black Widow fights with Hawkeye, Mike, Kevin and Bill pay no attention to the scene and talk about how he pales in comparison to the other characters (in their opinion) and Bill keeps telling them that he's not a "comic book" expert.
Changed line(s) 788,790 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Bill''': Kill Spock already!
-->'''Kevin''': Bill, stop that!
-->'''Bill''': I could have killed Spock and [[Film/StarTrekIIITheSearchForSpock Kirk's son]] by now!
-->'''Kevin''': Bill, stop that!
-->'''Bill''': I could have killed Spock and [[Film/StarTrekIIITheSearchForSpock Kirk's son]] by now!
to:
-->'''Bill''': Kevin, stop that!
-->'''Kevin''': I could have killed Spock and [[Film/StarTrekIIITheSearchForSpock Kirk's son]] by now!
Changed line(s) 889 (click to see context) from:
--> '''Kevin''': Captain: [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Officially Boned.]]
to:
--> '''Kevin''': '''Bill''': Captain: [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Officially Boned.]]
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--> '''Bill:''' He's the first [[DuckTales non-duck]] to amass enough wealth to do that.
to:
--> '''Bill:''' He's the first [[DuckTales [[WesternAnimation/DuckTales non-duck]] to amass enough wealth to do that.
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* Their mocking of the Chechen's bizarre accent, rendering the fearsome Eastern European mobster as Pingu.
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--> '''Mike (as crew member offscreen):''' We're splitting into two movies!
to:
--> '''Mike (as crew member offscreen):''' We're splitting it into two movies!
Changed line(s) 461 (click to see context) from:
** "Private Otto has burnt the bratwurscht again, shoot him!"
to:
** "Private Otto has burnt the bratwurscht again, shoot again! Shoot him!"
Changed line(s) 464,465 (click to see context) from:
** "Please, sir, that is our only horse!" "Cram it, Osama!" "That is our only means of bringing water to the village! Without him, we will all die, sir!"
*** "And thus, Al Qaeda is born."
*** "And thus, Al Qaeda is born."
to:
** "Please, sir, that is our only don't steal our horse!" "Cram "Ram it, Osama!" "That is "He's our only means of bringing water to the village! getting water! Without him, we will all die, sir!"
*** "Andthus, Al Qaeda is born."
*** "And
Changed line(s) 478 (click to see context) from:
** *WHAM* "AAAAAAAAAAAGGhh" "GO PACKERS!"
to:
** *WHAM* "AAAAAAAAAAAGGhh" "{{AAAAAAAAAAAGGhh}}" "GO PACKERS!"
Changed line(s) 480 (click to see context) from:
to:
** When the two Nazis call Sallah off the hill, Kevin and Bill make up translations:
-->'''Kevin:''' Hey! Get away from that top secret area that we inexplicably left unguarded.
-->'''Bill:''' That hole that anyone can walk up to and jump into holds the key to our ENTIRE operation!
-->'''Kevin:''' Now kindly follow us further away from the hole so we can lock you up in a prison that we don't really guard well either.
-->'''Kevin:''' Hey! Get away from that top secret area that we inexplicably left unguarded.
-->'''Bill:''' That hole that anyone can walk up to and jump into holds the key to our ENTIRE operation!
-->'''Kevin:''' Now kindly follow us further away from the hole so we can lock you up in a prison that we don't really guard well either.
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added Harry Potter Example
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* When Snape reveals that he is "The Half Blood Prince":
--> '''Bill (as Snape):''' That's -- that's my entire ''reveal''? Not even going to explain what the hell "Half Blood Prince" even means? You know what? [[TemptingFate I'm glad there's only one of these left]].
--> '''Mike (as crew member offscreen):''' We're splitting into two movies!
--> '''Bill (as Snape):''' Damn... it.
--> '''Bill (as Snape):''' That's -- that's my entire ''reveal''? Not even going to explain what the hell "Half Blood Prince" even means? You know what? [[TemptingFate I'm glad there's only one of these left]].
--> '''Mike (as crew member offscreen):''' We're splitting into two movies!
--> '''Bill (as Snape):''' Damn... it.
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[[AC: Captain America: The First Avenger]]
* The opening, in which Kevin tries dressing up as the eponymous hero but gets him confused with WonderWoman. [[FanDisservice The results are predictable.]]
* The opening, in which Kevin tries dressing up as the eponymous hero but gets him confused with WonderWoman. [[FanDisservice The results are predictable.]]
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Already on this page.
Changed line(s) 170,177 (click to see context) from:
* When Alfred returns to the ruins of the Wayne manor to find Bruce;
--> '''Kevin:''' (as Alfred) Mr. Nolte, your morning liter of drugstore vodka, sir.
--> '''Mike:''' "(as Nick Nolte) Just put it next to my early morning liter of drugstore vodka.
--> '''Kevin:''' (as Alfred) The empty ones, sir?
--> '''Mike:''' "(as Nick Nolte) Yeah, you got it.
--> '''Bill:''' Nick Nolte sounds like Batman! (Kevin and Mike laugh)
--> '''Mike:''' You don't think... (all three gasp)
--> '''Kevin:''' (as Alfred) Mr. Nolte, your morning liter of drugstore vodka, sir.
--> '''Mike:''' "(as Nick Nolte) Just put it next to my early morning liter of drugstore vodka.
--> '''Kevin:''' (as Alfred) The empty ones, sir?
--> '''Mike:''' "(as Nick Nolte) Yeah, you got it.
--> '''Bill:''' Nick Nolte sounds like Batman! (Kevin and Mike laugh)
--> '''Mike:''' You don't think... (all three gasp)
to:
--> '''Kevin:''' (as Alfred) Mr. Nolte, your morning liter of drugstore vodka, sir.
--> '''Mike:''' "(as Nick Nolte) Just put it next to my early morning liter of drugstore vodka.
--> '''Kevin:''' (as Alfred) The empty ones, sir?
--> '''Mike:''' "(as Nick Nolte) Yeah, you got it.
--> '''Bill:''' Nick Nolte sounds like Batman! (Kevin and Mike laugh)
--> '''Mike:''' You don't think... (all three gasp)
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added to Return of the Kedi
Changed line(s) 1081,1082 (click to see context) from:
* "Don't make me lay the smackdown on that ass."
to:
* "Don't Darth Vader: "There is no escape. Don't make me lay the smackdown on that ass.destroy you."
** ChadVader: "Don't make me lay the smackdown on that ass."
** ChadVader: "Don't make me lay the smackdown on that ass."
Changed line(s) 1097 (click to see context) from:
* "And now they're visited by Porkins the White."
to:
* "And now they're visited by they meet [[TheLordOfTheRings Porkins the White.White]]."
Changed line(s) 1101,1104 (click to see context) from:
-->"There it is, the outfit that singlehandedly makes Comic Con bearable."
-->"And occasionally much, much worse."
-->[[CrossPlaying "You saw that guy too, huh?"]]
-->"And occasionally much, much worse."
-->[[CrossPlaying "You saw that guy too, huh?"]]
to:
-->[[CrossPlaying
* When the portcullis opens and the Rancor appears:
-->Bill: "And from behind that door emerges RIP TAYLOR!"
-->Kevin: "Aah!."
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* The glorious thing about the Riffed holiday special is that the video was taken directly from the tv broadcast (as it was never released on DVD) so there are plenty of 70s commercials the guys provide hysterical commentary for.
to:
-->'''Kevin:''' We interrupt these commercials
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* During the attack on the Kelvin
--> '''Ship's Computer''': Autopilot Function: Disabled.
--> '''Kevin''': Captain: [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Officially Boned.]]
--> '''Ship's Computer''': Autopilot Function: Disabled.
--> '''Kevin''': Captain: [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Officially Boned.]]
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* Later on, with Bella having passed out on the bed, Edward pulls the covers over her:
--> '''Kevin (as Edward):''' Cover up her lack of ass.
--> '''Kevin (as Edward):''' Cover up her lack of ass.
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Changed line(s) 211 (click to see context) from:
--> '''Kevin:''' (as Voldemort's face) "What's going on? Are we winning? What's that smell?"
to:
--> '''Kevin:''' (as Voldemort's face) "What's going on? "Okay, what's happening? Are we winning? What's that smell?"
Changed line(s) 213,214 (click to see context) from:
--> '''Bill:''' It's never a good sign when you leave the stall crying.
to:
--> '''Bill:''' '''Kevin:''' It's never a good sign when you leave the stall crying.
*Harry holds the Sorcerer's (Philosopher's) Stone while Voldemort's smoky spirit appears behind him.
--> '''Bill:''' Now it's just you and me, baby, no more stupid Voldemort -- Oh he's right behind me isn't he? This is awkward.
**Also after Voldemort's spirit passes through Harry, knocking him out.
--> '''Bill:''' Do I get lung cancer from this?
--> '''Mike:''' Kids, if a smoke wizard ever touches you in a way that doesn't feel right, tell a responsible adult.
*Harry holds the Sorcerer's (Philosopher's) Stone while Voldemort's smoky spirit appears behind him.
--> '''Bill:''' Now it's just you and me, baby, no more stupid Voldemort -- Oh he's right behind me isn't he? This is awkward.
**Also after Voldemort's spirit passes through Harry, knocking him out.
--> '''Bill:''' Do I get lung cancer from this?
--> '''Mike:''' Kids, if a smoke wizard ever touches you in a way that doesn't feel right, tell a responsible adult.
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* When Scotty holds his dying nephew, who is badly burned:
--> '''Bill (as Scotty):''' I got hungry!
--> '''Bill (as Scotty):''' I got hungry!
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added Return of the King to Lord of the Rings
Changed line(s) 418 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Mike''': I AM THE DEMON BELTHAGORE!!! Wha - whoops! I mean - I mean no one! Nothing!
to:
Changed line(s) 435,436 (click to see context) from:
* "*bleep* you and *bleep* your notes."
to:
* '''Bill''': "*bleep* you and *bleep* your notes."
* When the Death Eaters hold Harry's friends hostage to get him to hand the prophecy over to Lucius Malfoy.
--> '''Bill''' (As Harry): 'Kay, I'll do it if your henchmen ''accidentally'' Avada Kadavra-s Ron. Deal?
* When the Death Eaters hold Harry's friends hostage to get him to hand the prophecy over to Lucius Malfoy.
--> '''Bill''' (As Harry): 'Kay, I'll do it if your henchmen ''accidentally'' Avada Kadavra-s Ron. Deal?
[[AC:The Return of the King]]
*At the start of the Battle of Pelenor Fields:
--> '''Bill (as a Rohan Soldier):''' "Oh wait, you're all wearing green?! Oh come on! Those are the home uniforms! Okay, we gotta go back guys."
*Denethor: ABANDON YOUR POSTS!
--> '''Mike:''' "[[ThereWillBeBlood AND MY BOY]] if you have time!"
*Smeagol: My.... precious...
--> '''Kevin:''' "Based on the novel, ''Push'' by Saphire."
Changed line(s) 572 (click to see context) from:
'''Bill''': [[HypocriticalHumor No I don't! Go to hell]]!
to:
Changed line(s) 578 (click to see context) from:
'''Bill''': Oh, no! I have more to shave!
to:
Changed line(s) 920 (click to see context) from:
--> '''Mike:''' The dialogue crackles like, uh, pudding!
to:
--> '''Mike:''' The Ah, the dialogue crackles like, uh, pudding!pudding.
Changed line(s) 934,935 (click to see context) from:
* When the Nexu slashes at Padme, tearing off a sleeve and exposing her midriff...
--> '''Kevin:''' Ow, that just bares my midriff!
--> '''Kevin:''' Ow, that just bares my midriff!
to:
* When the Nexu slashes at Padme, [[ClothingDamage tearing off a sleeve and exposing her midriff...
midriff]]...
--> '''Kevin:''' Ow, that just [[BareYourMidriff bares mymidriff!midriff]]!
--> '''Kevin:''' Ow, that just [[BareYourMidriff bares my
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added some stuff to Matrix and Star Wars
Changed line(s) 704,705 (click to see context) from:
* During Trinity's death scene:
-->Ow, ow, ''ow, OW!''
-->Ow, ow, ''ow, OW!''
to:
*When Mifune is yelling while fighting off Sentinels on his mech:
-->'''Kevin''': You know, there's no action sequence that can be made dumber by a guy yelling like a wounded grizzly.
* DuringTrinity's [[spoiler: Trinity']]s death scene:
-->Ow, -->'''Mike''': Ow, ow, ''ow, OW!''
-->'''Kevin''': You know, there's no action sequence that can be made dumber by a guy yelling like a wounded grizzly.
* During
Changed line(s) 709 (click to see context) from:
-->And yet you still have your elbow PUSHING AGAINST THE ''THING'' THAT TORE MY SPINE OUT, AM I NOT BEING ''CLEAR?!''
to:
-->'''Bill''': My thought was please if I ever died horribly impaled on a bunch of poles, please let my boyfriend not be such a nob that he repeatedly leans on them, so, it's kind of ironic.
Changed line(s) 931,932 (click to see context) from:
* When Obi-Wan and Count Dooku fight:
-->'''Kevin''': Nuclear silly-string!
-->'''Kevin''': Nuclear silly-string!
to:
* When the Nexu slashes at Padme, tearing off a sleeve and exposing her midriff...
--> '''Kevin:''' Ow, that just bares my midriff!
--> '''Mike:''' *chuckles* What a conveniently alluring injury.
* During the part when Obi-Wan and Count Dookufight:
fight (and later Anakin and Dooku):
-->'''Kevin''':Nuclear silly-string!(on Dooku electrocuting Anakin with Force lightning) Ooh, nuclear silly-string!
-->Followed by Kevin and Mike cheering that Anakin is KO'd
--> '''Kevin:''' Ow, that just bares my midriff!
--> '''Mike:''' *chuckles* What a conveniently alluring injury.
* During the part when Obi-Wan and Count Dooku
-->'''Kevin''':
-->Followed by Kevin and Mike cheering that Anakin is KO'd
Changed line(s) 936 (click to see context) from:
* Mace Windu: "Pilot! Land in that assembly area!" ChadVader: "Did he mean Pontius Pilate, 5th Procurator of Judaea? From 26 to 36 AD?" Mike: "Uh...no."
to:
--->To fanboys, Amidala's bedroom is holier than Mecca, the Vatican, Dome of the Rock, '''and''' Industrial Light and Magic combined.
* Mace Windu: "Pilot! Land in that assembly area!" Clone: "Yes, sir." ChadVader:"Did he mean Pontius Pilate, "Was that actually 'Pontius Pilate', 5th Procurator of Judaea? From 26 to 36 AD?" Mike: "Uh...no."
* Mace Windu: "Pilot! Land in that assembly area!" Clone: "Yes, sir." ChadVader:
Changed line(s) 943 (click to see context) from:
* After a scene featuring much whining from Anakin (I forget which one)
to:
* After a scene featuring much whining from When Anakin (I forget which one)is regaining consciousness after being shocked by Dooku's Force Lightning
Deleted line(s) 1056 (click to see context) :
** "TheHurtLocker as presented by the Build-a-Bear Workshop."
Changed line(s) 1059 (click to see context) from:
** "My God, they're eating them."
to:
** "TheHurtLocker as presented by the Build-a-Bear Workshop."
** "Gently tap them to death!"
** "My God, they're eating them." That's a little strong."
** "By dawn, the stench smoldering fun fur and melting black button eyes have blackened the sky"
** "Gently tap them to death!"
** "My God, they're eating them.
** "By dawn, the stench smoldering fun fur and melting black button eyes have blackened the sky"
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added M Arvel Cinematic Universe (move Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, Avengers to there), updated some of the quotes
Changed line(s) 446 (click to see context) from:
* "Luna Lovegood: really just a good old fashioned stoner."
to:
* "Luna "Bill: Luna Lovegood: really just a good old fashioned stoner."
Changed line(s) 449 (click to see context) from:
--> '''Snape:''' It's... raining... men... hallelujah.
to:
--> '''Snape:''' '''Bill (as Snape):''' It's... raining... men... hallelujah.
Changed line(s) 463 (click to see context) from:
** "Goinonbreaknowbye!"
to:
** "Goinonbreaknowbye!""I'mGoinonbreaknowbye!"
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[[folder:Marvel Cinematic Universe]]
[[/folder]]
[[/folder]]
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Deleted line(s) 451,457 (click to see context) :
[[folder: The Hunger Games]]
[[AC:The Hunger Games]]
* The opening sketch with everyone acting like {{Grammar Nazi}}s insisting that the film's title be said in full at all times.
* Lenny Kravitz gets a beating to rival Joe Don Baker's in ''{{Mitchell}}''. "Who said you could have a line?"
* Making President Snow completely senile.
* [[{{Bambi}} "Your mother can't help you now, you twitterpated bastard!"]]
[[/folder]]
[[AC:The Hunger Games]]
* The opening sketch with everyone acting like {{Grammar Nazi}}s insisting that the film's title be said in full at all times.
* Lenny Kravitz gets a beating to rival Joe Don Baker's in ''{{Mitchell}}''. "Who said you could have a line?"
* Making President Snow completely senile.
* [[{{Bambi}} "Your mother can't help you now, you twitterpated bastard!"]]
[[/folder]]
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* "Mmmm... would you like some dignity, sir?"
* When Captain Barbossa dies and his apple falls to the ground:
--> '''Bill:''' Dibs! Wait... you don't think that apple's cursed, do you?
--> '''Mike:''' Uh... no.
--> '''Bill:''' Dibs!
* "His walk is [[JohnWayne John Wayne]] plus [[CarolChanning Carol Channing]] divided by [[LooneyTunes Daffy Duck.]]
* The references to Bill's lost year in [[NoodleIncident Colonial Williamsburg.]]
* When Captain Barbossa dies and his apple falls to the ground:
--> '''Bill:''' Dibs! Wait... you don't think that apple's cursed, do you?
--> '''Mike:''' Uh... no.
--> '''Bill:''' Dibs!
* "His walk is [[JohnWayne John Wayne]] plus [[CarolChanning Carol Channing]] divided by [[LooneyTunes Daffy Duck.]]
* The references to Bill's lost year in [[NoodleIncident Colonial Williamsburg.]]
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Namespace Migration.
Changed line(s) 189 (click to see context) from:
* "[[SomewhereSong Somewhere out there,]] [[AnAmericanTail beneath the paaaale moonliiiight...]]"
to:
* "[[SomewhereSong Somewhere out there,]] [[AnAmericanTail [[WesternAnimation/AnAmericanTail beneath the paaaale moonliiiight...]]"
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Changed line(s) 170 (click to see context) from:
to:
* When Alfred returns to the ruins of the Wayne manor to find Bruce;
--> '''Kevin:''' (as Alfred) Mr. Nolte, your morning liter of drugstore vodka, sir.
--> '''Mike:''' "(as Nick Nolte) Just put it next to my early morning liter of drugstore vodka.
--> '''Kevin:''' (as Alfred) The empty ones, sir?
--> '''Mike:''' "(as Nick Nolte) Yeah, you got it.
--> '''Bill:''' Nick Nolte sounds like Batman! (Kevin and Mike laugh)
--> '''Mike:''' You don't think... (all three gasp)
--> '''Kevin:''' (as Alfred) Mr. Nolte, your morning liter of drugstore vodka, sir.
--> '''Mike:''' "(as Nick Nolte) Just put it next to my early morning liter of drugstore vodka.
--> '''Kevin:''' (as Alfred) The empty ones, sir?
--> '''Mike:''' "(as Nick Nolte) Yeah, you got it.
--> '''Bill:''' Nick Nolte sounds like Batman! (Kevin and Mike laugh)
--> '''Mike:''' You don't think... (all three gasp)
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Changed line(s) 189 (click to see context) from:
* '''Bill:''' [[TrollTwo Gringotts spelled backwards is "Sttognirg"!]]
to:
* '''Bill:''' [[TrollTwo [[Film/{{Troll 2}} Gringotts spelled backwards is "Sttognirg"!]]
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Deleted line(s) 444 (click to see context) :
Deleted line(s) 452 (click to see context) :
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[[folder: The Hunger Games]]
[[AC:The Hunger Games]]
* The opening sketch with everyone acting like {{Grammar Nazi}}s insisting that the film's title be said in full at all times.
* Lenny Kravitz gets a beating to rival Joe Don Baker's in ''{{Mitchell}}''. "Who said you could have a line?"
* Making President Snow completely senile.
* [[{{Bambi}} "Your mother can't help you now, you twitterpated bastard!"]]
[[/folder]]
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Changed line(s) 620 (click to see context) from:
->'''Kevin Murphy''': This has now lasted longer than the Orthodox wedding scene in ''TheDeerHunter''.
to:
->'''Kevin Murphy''': This has now lasted longer than the Orthodox wedding scene in ''TheDeerHunter''.''Film/TheDeerHunter''.
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Funny moments from the Podcast/{{Rifftrax}} of entries in popular film franchises.
----
[[foldercontrol]]
[[folder:Batman]]
[[AC:Film/BatmanForever]]
* This one's notable for being done not by the usual group, but by [[ThatGuyWithTheGlasses Doug Walker]], his brother Rob, and Brian Hines, with plenty of good lines including the following:
* "Everytime I meet a guy, he's either gay or Batman." "Sometimes both!"
* "Harvey, you need help." "Yes, listen to the man in the Bat suit."
** Doubles as a ShoutOut to The Critic's review of ''Film/BatmanAndRobin''.
* "Why is no one undressing Comissioner Gordon with their eyes?"
--> '''Later:''' "[[BrickJoke I wonder what Commissioner Gordon is wearing right now...]]" [[COTTON CANDY!!]]
* "How do you sneak ''acid'' into a court house?" "And isn't it a conflict of interest to have Batman on the jury?"
* "Ronita, Roberto, and Robespierre" "And I'm Dick!"
* "I'm Batman!" [[IAmSpartacus "I'm Batman!" "I'm Batman!"]] [[Film/MontyPythonsLifeOfBrian "I'm Batman, and so's my wife!"]]
* "In honor of the Graysons, send in the clowns..." (scene changes to outside Wayne Manor) "...Aaand a horse humping a rock. Way to ruin the moment, thank you Joel Schumacher."
* ''[After Batman is buried under a pile of sand]'' And to add insult to injury, Catwoman will now take a dump on him.
* "Is this a robin?" "No, it's a helmet, you dumbass."
* "I shall be the Green Lightbulb!"
* This:
-->'''Two-Face''': "Heads, we accept, and tails, we blow your damn head off!" (''throws coin into the air'')
-->'''Doug, Rob & Brian''': '''''"TAILS! TAILS! TAILS!"'''''
* "[[Series/MysteryScienceTheater3000 Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank]], they're not."
* "Oh God, they're not even trying anymore." "Even the [[TheMuppetShow Electric Mayhem]] wasn't ''this'' electric." "Looks like board game night at Elton John's house."
* "Tell me your fantasies." "Oh. Oh, that's just nasty." "Tell me your secrets." "Oh, ew, [[NoodleImplements with a kumquat?]]"
* "I'm going to tell her... everything." "Even the sex change." "What?" "Nothing!"
* "Which one should I steal? Adam West, Michael Keaton... Clooney? What the...?"
* "Wayne Manor..." "...he killed ''how many'' prostitutes this time?"
* "Trick or treat!" "I'll unleash the hounds."
* "This is the douchiest way to do your laundry ever."
* "Mom, why are we walking through DavidLynch's brain? It's so foggy and scary and empty in here!"
** "Hey, look, the first Batman movie is on!" "Have you ever frolicked with a fox in a flickering fire? ...no, wait, that's terrible; wait there, kid, I got a couple more I want to try..."
* "It's happening again..." "I'll have Alfred get the rubber pants."
* ''[in a campy, lisping voice]'' Hi! This is Joel Schumacher. Allow me to explain this sudden change in style, location, and lighting.... I'm a bad director. The explanation is over.
* (On the Riddler's light-up suit) "Guess where he hid the battery."
* (In response to a close-up of a very... unfortunate... place...)"Why is there a zipper there?!"
* ''(After Batman enters Riddler's very cheesy lair)'' Ugh... I miss the Joker.
* "Hey, it's TwoAndAHalfMen."
* "Edward Nigma has been screaming for hours that he knows the true identity of Batman." "Who is this 'Adam West' he speaks of?"
* [[HoYay "Uh... are they holding hands?]] "There's nothing ambiguous about it anymore..."
* "Tommy Lee Jones ''IS'' Billy Dee Williams ''IN'' the role Aaron Eckhardt made famous!"
* "I think Commissoner Gordon has entered his second childhood." "Hee hee hee, hahaha! I WANT COTTON CANDY! I WANT A CANDY APPLE! BRUCE, GET ME SOME COTTON CANDY!"
** WHERE'S MY COTTON CANDY?!?!?!?!
* The RunningGag about the DawsonCasting of Dick. "I'm 15, really" "Oh God, I'm an orphan. A 28-year-old orphan" "I wish I was never legally made your ward at the age of 34"
* "I gotta save that booty, and Dr. Meridian."
* "HI! I'M YOUR DESTINY!"
[[AC:Batman And Robin]]
* A choice selection can be found [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqLaBO5IcjA here]]. But for specifics...
-->'''Mr. Freeze''': I hate it when people talk during the movie!
-->'''Bill''': Uh, hey guys, can he hear us?
-->'''Mike''': Could be worse...[[Series/MysteryScienceTheater3000 he used to be able to see us, too.]]
-->'''Bill''': Good point.
** I'm GeorgeClooney and I'm...sorry.
-->'''Robin''': I want a car!
-->'''Mike''': I gave you a bus pass; wasn't that good enough?
-->'''Robin''': [[CallBack Chicks dig the car!]]
-->'''Batman''': This is why Superman works alone.
-->'''Bill''': Actually it's because of his crippling Asperger's Syndrome.
** "Sorry we didn't get there in time to prevent the murder of thousands, Commissioner Gordon! We were waiting for the car to slowly spiral out of the floor!"
** "The ice-man cometh!" "The audience goeth!"
** "So where did [Mr. Freeze] get [[{{Mook}} these guys]], anyway? Was there an ad that said, [[AC:"WANTED: THUGS. Must Be Skilled in Hockey and Stunt Skating. Obedience Required -- Enthusiasm A Plus!"]]?
-->'''Mike''': ''(during the opening LockAndLoadMontage)'' You didn't accidentally rent ''Butt-Man & Robin'', did you?
-->'''Kevin''': Come on, Mike; I wouldn't make that mistake a third time!
** [[MishmashMuseum And thus ends the Greek artifact / dinosaur / big freaking diamond exhibit]].
-->'''Poison Ivy''': First...I'll rid myself of the fur and feathered pests...
-->'''Bill''': She's gonna bomb [[AcceptableLifestyleTargets AnthroCon]]?
**
-->'''MadScientist''': I have created viaducts into the most primitive part of his brain --
-->'''Mike''': The gonads!
** "[[Series/MythBusters PHYS]][[LetsPlay/SonicTheHedgehog2006 ICS!]]"
--> '''Poison Ivy:''' I am Nature’s arm! Her spirit! *crash* Her will! *crash*
--> '''Bill:''' Her PMS!
* About Mr. Freeze's pointy-mobile:
-->'''Kevin''': It looks like a [[Series/DoctorWho Dalek]] that went to Hot Topic.
* (Frozen phonebooth) "NO! Not [[Series/DoctorWho the TARDIS]]!!!
* Don't forget this little exchange:
--> '''Kevin''': Okay, spiky gloves?
--> '''Bill''': Check.
--> '''Kevin''': [[CombatStilettos Impractical heels]]?
--> '''Bill''': Check.
--> '''Kevin''': ''Gorgeous'' ass?
--> '''Bill''': Check.
--> '''Kevin''': And of course, the rubber nipp--''hey''!
--> '''Bill''': ''Booo...''DoubleStandard!
* "Quick Robin, he's heading into [[TheChroniclesofNarnia Narnia!]]" "[[ThisIsYourPremiseOnDrugs We're seeing the clouds of cocaine that fueled the script-writing session behind this movie.]]"
* "Bat Skates, Bat Bombs, what's next, [[Series/{{Batman}} Shark Repellant]]?"
* Also, this bit:
--> '''Bruce''': Is it always my way or the highway?
--> '''Alfred''': Why yes, actually.
--> '''Bill''': PWNED!
--> '''Mike''': Uh, actually, you don't pronounce the P, it's just "Owned".
--> '''Bill''': ...And how do you know that, Mike?
--> '''Mike''': I-I was guessing...
--> '''Bill''': Yeah right! NERD! (laughs) PWNED!
--> '''Mike''': Okay, now you're just doing that on purpose!
* "Uh oh, they're gonna start humping the aquarium..."
* At the auction:
--> '''Poison Ivy:''' Some lucky boy's about to hit the honeypot.
-->'''Bill:''' [[WinnieThePooh Oh bother!]]
* [[Series/MysteryScienceTheater3000 "Yes! Now to fulfill my lifelong dream of shooting a man into space and forcing him to watch really bad movies!"]]
-->'''Kevin''': ''(as the rocket smashes through the museum's skylight)'' [[WillyWonkaAndTheChocolateFactory If you want to view paradise~]]
* We simply can't forget this little [[WebAnimation/HomestarRunner homage]] after Bane is first created: "Now we'll put boxing gloves on his hands, sit him in front of a computer and force him to answer emails!"
[[AC: Film/TheDarkKnight]]
* ''(Alfred enters a shipping crate to get to the new Batman lair)''
-->'''Kevin''': ''(as Alfred)'' Mr. Nolte, your morning litre of drug store vodka sir.
-->'''Mike:''' ''(as Nick Nolte, in a deep gravely voice)'' Just put it next to my early morning litre of drug store vodka...
-->'''Kevin:''' ''(as Alfred)'' The empty one sir?
-->'''Mike:''' ''(as Nolte)'' Yeah, you got it.
-->'''Bill:''' Nick Nolte sounds like Batman!
-->''(Mike and Kevin laugh)''
-->'''Mike:''' .... You don't think?...
-->''(all gasp)''
* [[RunningGag Jokes]] made at the expense of Aaron Eckhart's "chin ass."
--> "His chin ass is obscene!"
--> "Bet his chin butt raises food safety issues."
--> "His hatchet-jaw easily cuts through the thickest crowds."
* During Batman's Hong Kong mission: [[Film/DieHard "A hostage situation has developed at Nakatomi Plaza."]]
* "Judge Grandma, serves brownies and justice piping hot."
* Bruce Wayne knocks out Harvey Dent:
--> '''Rachel''': What are you doing?
--> '''Bill''': [[HoYay He's mine, damn it]]!
* When Bruce Wayne encounters one of [[SelfDemonstrating/TheJoker Joker's]] thugs:
--> '''Joker Mook''': Hands up, pretty boy!
--> '''Bill''' (as Bruce takes down the {{Mook}}): [[PunctuatedPounding Don't]] '''[[PunctuatedPounding hate]]''' [[PunctuatedPounding me because I'm]] '''[[PunctuatedPounding beautiful]]'''!
* "Then you're gonna love me... people say I have a puckish sense of feistiness that's irresistible."
* Bill's overjoyed exclamation of [[PrinceOfSpace Krankor!]] when the Joker's sarcastic laughter interrupts the mob meeting.
* From Batman's interrogation of Maroni:
--> '''Batman''': [[LargeHam "SOMEONE KNOWS WHERE HE IS!"]]
--> '''Bill''': "RAWR!"
* When Harvey claims to be Batman:
--> '''Kevin''': "Don't act so surprised, after all that ''was'' part of his campaign slogan."
--> '''Mike''': "And what did you think the 'B' in Harvey B. Dent stood for? Milhouse?"
* During the street chase:
--> "What the hell is that?"
--> "It's a windshield, Bob!"
--> As the Tumbler smashes through a wall: "OH YEAH!"
* The RT crew chuckling during Batman's "WHERE ARE THEY!?" screams as they literally feel the effects of {{narm}}. Results in a running gag throughout the rest of the commentary.
--> "You ever wonder if Batman ever gets lost on the road and has to ask On-Star 'WHERE ARE THEY!?'"
--> When Harvey Dent wakes up in the warehouse: "I wonder if he's thinking 'WHERE AM I?'"
* "...and I won't kill you, because I liked [[ChristianBale you]] in ''Newsies''."
* The Joker explaining his madness:
--> '''Joker:''' Do you know why I use a knife?
--> '''Mike (as Joker):''' Because soup tastes better when it's difficult.
* When the Joker slides down that massive mountain of moolah:
--> '''Bill:''' He's the first [[DuckTales non-duck]] to amass enough wealth to do that.
* The annual Police vs. Firemen softball ends horribly again.
* When the title appears at the end, and the trio presumes the movie was filmed backwards, wondering [[Creator/ChristopherNolan what kind of crazy director would]] [[Film/{{Memento}} film their movie backwards]]...
* The Movie Referee.
--> '''Harvey''': "...You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain."
--> [Whistle!]
--> '''Bill''': "Foreshadowing penalty; clumsy sentence; seating plot point; makes no sense; fifteen yards; repeat third down."
* During the scene with Rachel and Harvey tied up.
-->''(Close up on the bomb countdown.))''
--> '''Rachel''': "Harvey, calm down."
--> ''Will counting down from forty help?"
** Also:
--> '''Rachel:''' Can anybody hear me?!\\
'''Kevin:''' For the last time, NO!
* "During the scene on the ferries:
--> '''Passenger (a woman with dreadlocks):''' Go ahead, do it!\\
'''Mike:''' Ms. Cleo commands you!
* The Joker presents his ultimatum to the mob:
--> '''Gambol:''' "You're crazy!"
--> '''The Joker:''' "No I'm not. No I'm ''not.''"
--> '''Kevin:''' "Well, I'm convinced!"
* As the Joker walks away from the exploding hospital
--> '''Bill:''' "Single-payer healthcare; day one."
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Harry Potter]]
[[AC:General]]
* The Harry Potter series as a whole has a ''long'' RunningGag of referring to Hogwarts as a Satan-worshipping DeathTrap, given all the accidents, attacks, teachers being evil, etc.
[[AC:Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone]]
* After Hagrid breaks down the door
-->'''Bill''': [[Film/{{Spider-Man}} Bonesaw]] is ready....to be the father you never had
* "His jammies show that he means business."
* "And standing in for Dumbledore is the embalmed corpse of Dumbledore."
* "Now shut up and kiss me." Made even funnier by Bill's pitch-perfect Alan Rickman impersonation.
* "[[SomewhereSong Somewhere out there,]] [[AnAmericanTail beneath the paaaale moonliiiight...]]"
* After Hermione cast a full body-bind curse on Neville
-->"Anyone else want to be a hero?"
* '''Mike:''' [[Music/PinkFloyd WE DON'T NEED NO wizard EDUCATION!]]
* Upon meeting Hagrid:
--> '''Harry:''' Excuse me...
--> '''Bill:''' Could you please kill these horrible people?
* '''Bill:''' [[TrollTwo Gringotts spelled backwards is "Sttognirg"!]]
* The first Quidditch match:
--> '''Kevin:''' On my signal, untether Purgatory!
* When [=McGonagall=] turns from cat to human in the classroom:
--> '''Mike:''' ''Mrowr''ning, class!
* "Join us, son... join ussss..."
* Draco summoning his broomstick:
--> '''Mike:''' Sieg heil--I mean, up!
* '''Quirrell:''' TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!\\
'''Kevin:''' [[DeepPurple Troll in the dungeon and pumpkins in the sky!]]\\
'''Mike:''' More like "gin in the teacher."
* During the life-size wizard chess game:
--> '''Ron:''' The queen will take me.
--> '''Bill:''' A phrase uttered nightly by GeorgeMichael.
* During the FingerPokeOfDoom scene:
--> '''Kevin:''' (as Voldemort's face) "What's going on? Are we winning? What's that smell?"
* When Hermione is moping in the restroom
--> '''Bill:''' It's never a good sign when you leave the stall crying.
[[AC:Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets]]
* "Bet you can't guess how drunk we are!"
* "Ron! Fred! George!" [[Music/TheBeatles "Ringo!"]]
* When Harry is escaping from the window
-->'''Mike (as Uncle Vernon)''': * ''gasp''* Bacon sandwiches, is that you?
-->...
-->'''Mike''': Pork where you are, in the name of gravy!
--> '''Kevin:''' ''(falling out the window)'' Tell sausage I love iiiiiit!
* On Gilderoy Lockhart's introduction:
--> '''Mike''': Yes, treat your family and friends to the flavor of traditional [[LargeHam Northern Irish ham]].
* "[[CharlottesWeb Charlotte's]] funeral service just let out."
* Upon finding Mrs. Norris petrified:
--> '''Filch''': You've murdered my cat.
--> '''Mike''': You shall become my new cat.
* (on Harry speaking parseltongue) "I believe that translates to "[[{{Eegah}} Watch out]] [[RunningGag for snakes]]."
* The disclaimers about Quidditch:
--> '''Mike:''' Quidditch: it's like the WNBA divided by curling!
--> '''Kevin:''' Quidditch: it's what your wife sees when you make her watch baseball!
--> '''Bill:''' Quidditch: there's actually videos of people trying to play it on Youtube!
--> '''Bill:''' Quidditch: take NASCAR, subtract the drunks, sunburn, and Confederate flags, but yet still somehow make it much, ''much'' worse.
* (of Malfoy) "Boy, is my face punchable!"
* When Snape hurls Lockhart to the ground during the duel session:
-->'''Hermione''': Do you think he's all right?
-->'''Ron''': Who cares?
-->'''Mike''': I came for blood!
* Harry, Ron, and Hermione run into Harry's room to find everything messed up.
--> '''Mike''': (as Hedwig, perched nonchalantly on the nightstand) Okay, I did it. I was bored. Hoo.
* "Check, pleeease."
** "For God's sake, CHEEEEECK."
* "The JusticeLeague of Hogwarts answers the call!"
* As Harry flails wildly with his sword during the battle with the basilisk.
-->'''Mike''': (laughs) Nice sword work, Harry. Skip fencing, too, I see.
-->'''Kevin''': Oh no, he went, but his instructor was MrBean.
* As Harry stabs the [[SoulJar diary Horcrux]]:
--> '''Kevin''': (as Tom Riddle) Ooh, when I turned myself into a book, I never imagined for a moment that books could be damaged.
--> '''Bill''': I should have laminated myself!
* "[[TheKarateKid Sweep the leg,]] Draco."
* Any time any of the riffers mimic's Dumbledore's wheezing.
* Commentary on the general cruelty of the wizarding world, such as
--> [=McGonagall=]: "Today we will be transforming animals into water-goblets."
--> Kevin: "Why? Because we can! [[EvilLaugh Mwehehehehe!]]"
* On the enchanted diary:
--> Bill: "Buy the new bestseller by TomClancy, "Dangerous Fearful Danger." It will literally BLOW UP YOUR HOUSE!"
* Dumbledore: [Raspy] In the past few hours...
-->*WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE*
-->"Did he just die right there?"
* Dumbledore: "All exams have been canceled."
--> Bill: "Head out into the world as the uneducated rabble that you are, see if I give a tin-shilling. That's right, whoop it up. You RETARDS!"
* Harry opening the snake door with Parseltongue:
--> '''Mike:''' For God--you just said "Door the open!" Your snake is terrible!
--> '''Kevin:''' You know, we had a screen door just like this at our cabin, my mom must have told me a hundred times, "Don't slam the ''(makes Parseltongue sounds)''!"
* The endless round of applause that closes the film is taken to its logical conclusion: [[InferredHolocaust the whole hall has been cursed to applaud for eternity, or at least until their deaths.]]
* After Hermione freezes the pixies Lockhart let loose:
--> '''Neville:''' ''(hanging from the chandelier by the collar of his shirt)'' Why is it always me?
--> '''Mike:''' Biddle-ee-bink-dee-bink, boing! And now can we PLEASE HAVE A STORY?!
* Ron's curse:
--> '''Ron:''' Eat slugs!
--> '''Mike:''' Magic words: they're Latin except when they're not.
* About Moaning Myrtle:
--> '''Bill:''' It's Harry in a wig, isn't it?
* After the spider scene:
--> '''Harry:''' "Hagrid didn't open the Chamber of Secrets. He was innocent."
--> '''Mike:''' "We have the word of a hideously giant spider that tried to eat us and that's good enough for me."
* "I'm a faucet, I actually don't understand any language."
* '''Hagrid:''' "The owl carrying my release papers got all lost and confused..."
--> '''Bill:''' "Accidentally released a half-a-dozen unrepentent serial killers instead."
* After Malfoy calls Hermione a mudblood, which greatly upsets her, the crew repeatedly refers to her as "Muddy."
* As Harry and Ron escape the giant spiders in a magic car:
-->'''Kevin''' (in a very posh British accent): "The Dukes of Hazard: U.K. version."
-->'''Mike''' (the same) "With actual dukes!"
-->'''Bill'' (ditto) "About this time the Duke boys had got themselves into a mess-o-trouble."
[[AC:HarryPotterAndThePrisonerOfAzkaban]]
* "If you bring me flesh I will do your bidding."
* "Hermione casts the 'give Ron a boner' spell."
* Mike's Dementor song.
* The whole song scene, but especially Bill's riff on the toad at the end.
* '''Bill:''' ''[as a student]'' Aw, were going to have so much fun! Which classes are you taking- '''AAAH MY SOUL!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!'''
* The boggart scene.
--> '''Lupin''': Picture your grandmother's clothes, ''only'' her clothes.
--> '''Mike''': Now imagine them crumpled in the corner of my bedroom, hehehe.
* The truth comes out:
--> '''Hermione:''' ''(pointing at Lupin)'' He's a werewolf! That's why he's missing classes!
--> '''Mike:''' ''(as Lupin)'' Well, I'm a werewolf who smokes a ''lot'' of dope, and ''that's'' why I've been missing classes.
* When bowing to Buckbeak:
--> '''Hagrid:''' Nice and low...
--> '''Mike:''' OH GOD, not THAT low!
* After Hermione punches Malfoy:
--> '''Hermione:''' That felt good.
--> '''Ron:''' Not good: BRILLIANT!
--> '''Bill:''' [[SarcasmMode Yes, truly a masterful work of genius.]] Compared to you, Goethe was a moron. Next to your punching Malfoy in the nose, Bach's cello suites are like a small pool of vomit!
* '''Lupin:''' I've looked worse; believe me.\\
'''Mike:''' I don't; sorry.
* During a shot of Sirius in prison:
--> '''Kevin''' (as Sirius): I'm gonna get out of here, [[ActorAllusion change my name to Gordon,]] and ''[[Film/TheDarkKnightSaga commission!]]''
* Mike's mix of the Dementors and [[CharlieAndTheChocolateFactory Oompa-Loompas.]]
--> '''Mike''' (quietly and sinisterly): E-vil, E-vil, Learn to be E-vil, Evil is fun and Doompity-Doo...''
* While Harry is flying on Buckbeak: "Meanwhile, sitting at home in his underwear, surrounded by empty beer cans, the kid who played [[InheritanceCycle Eragon]] hurls a whisky bottle at his TV."
* Comments on the horrifically dangerous Quidditch match:
--> "Ah, so you need parent's permission to visit the local tea shop but Quidditch? The less parents know the better."
* Hagrid tosses Buckbeak a rat
--> '''Kevin''': Have a rat, Buckbeak!
--> '''Mike''': SCABBERS!!
* The entire scene with Sirius and Remus in the Shrieking Shack. The crew points out several times how over-the-top the acting is and at one point Sirius says "Hey, [[ChewingTheScenery leave some scenery for me to chew!"]]
* IF YOU SEE A FADED SIGN AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, IT'S JUST 15 MILES TO THE SHRIEKING SHACK!!
* When Harry, Ron, and Hermione are trying to ask Dumbledore to convince everyone that Sirius is innocent
--> '''Dumbledore''': But I'm sorry to say the word of three thirteen-year-old wizards will convince few others.
--> '''Mike''': Well, two and a HALF, actually. Mudblood. *clears throat*
[[AC:Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire]]
* When Cedric Diggory (played by Robert Pattinson) shows up the first time:
--> '''Mike''':"Ahh! [[Literature/{{Twilight}} Undead]]!"
--> '''Bill''':"Quick! Fall in love with it! Ahh!"
--> '''Kevin''':"Make that love codependent and brooding! Ahh!"
--> '''Mike''':"I'm very mumbly and pause-filled! Ahhhhhhhhhh!"
* ''[Moody transforms Draco into a ferret]''
--> '''Moody:''' I'll teach you to curse someone while their back is turned!
--> '''Mike:''' [[HypocriticalHumor By cursing you while]] ''[[HypocriticalHumor your]]'' [[HypocriticalHumor back is turned.]]
* After the ferret episode:
--> '''Malfoy''': "My father will hear of this!"
--> '''Kevin''': "Yeah, when he sees the headline "Douche Humiliated"."
* "CSI: Burwick-Upon-Tweed"
* Bill (as Dumbledore): "I will now fight the big lady to the death!"
* As Moaning Myrtle flirts shamelessly with a bathing Harry:
--> '''Harry''': "Myrtle..."
--> '''Bill''': "Why aren't you in Hell?"
* Bill: "The collective might of the Wizarding World is helpless against six bad guys."
* David Tenant appears on screen:
--> '''Kevin''': Hey, it's Doctor... Uh...
--> '''Mike''': Who.
--> '''Kevin''': I'm trying to remember, give me a second.
* Kevin's interpretation of Roger Lloyd Pack's appearance of Barty Crouch Sr. looking like Hitler and then proceeding to act as such.
---> '''Barty Crouch Sr.''': The rules are absolute
---> '''Kevin''': WE MUST ANNEX DAS SUDETENLAND!!!
---> '''Barty Crouch Sr.''': The Goblet of Fire constitutes a binding magical contract.
---> '''Kevin''': Like the Munich Agreement
---> '''Barty Crouch Sr.''': Mr. Potter has no choice! He is...as of tonight...
---> '''Kevin''': OUR NEW FUHRER!!!
* Cedric Diggory's memorial service
---> '''Dumbledore''': I think therefore you have the right to know how he died.
---> '''Mike''': Let's see, he was zapped by a fat, bucked-toothed man holding an evil baby.
* Alastor Moody's first Defense Against the Dark Art's Class
---> '''Alastor Moody''':YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP AGAINST, YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED...
---> '''Mike''': YOU NEED TO OVERACT, YOU NEED TO PUSH.THE LIMITS.OF HAMINESS!!!
** Also during that first class
---> '''Moody''': Any questions?
---> '''Bill''': Ahem. Yeah. [[SoundEffectsBleep BEEP]]ing [[InsaneClownPosse magnets, ]][[MemeticMutation how do they work?]]
* Before the second task
---> '''Bill''': Longbottom's transformation into Oscar Wilde is right on schedule.
---> '''Mike''': There's a schedule for that does it?
---> '''Bill''': Very rigorous.
* When Harry is having a nightmare (he's lying in bed, eyes closed, sweating and shifting):
---> '''Mike''': I get it, he's lonely! [[MistakenForMasturbating We don't need to see how he deals with it!]]
* During Moody's class on the Unforgivable Curses:
---> '''Moody''': Give us a curse.
---> '''Bill (as Ron)''': Uh...Sugartits?
* The OverlyLongGag about Cho and Harry's conversation at the Owlry concerning Cho's Chinese and Scottish Heritage that is, in essence, the BlackVikings trope PlayedForLaughs:
---> '''Kevin''': She's from the Highlands of China! Hard to eat haggis with chopsticks!
---> '''Bill''': Is your family tartan just solid red or...?
---> '''Cho''': I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
---> '''Bill''': Maybe if you repeat it through a bagpipe?
---> '''Harry''': I just wondered if you wanted to go to the ball with me?
---> '''Bill''': Ye see, I'm washin' mah kilt that night? You know, [[DontExplainTheJoke 'cause she's Scottish?]]
* This scene right after the Goblet is introduced
---> '''Mike''': (Cedric is shown) AH! Bloodsucker!
---> '''Mike''': (Mad-Eye Moody is shown) Ah! [[ChewingTheScenery Scenery-chewer!]]
---> '''Mike''': (Dumbledore is shown) Ah! [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Fez-wearer!]]
* Of Moody, "You need to OVERACT, you need to PUSH! THE LIMITS! OF HAMINESS!"
* The scene where Rita Skeeter is interviewing Harry.
---> '''Rita''': (after Harry insists he didn't enter his name) Right. Of course you didn't. *winks*
---> '''Bill (as Rita)''': Then how do you explain this entry form with your name misspelled in Voldemort's handwriting?!
* Seeing Voldebaby for the first time:
---> '''Bill''': BURP ME, DAMNIT!
* When a firework goes off
---> '''Bill''': My god, the explosion just killed two students!
---> '''Mike''': What House were they in?
---> '''Bill''': Ravenclaw!
---> '''Mike''': Eh, throw a tarp over 'em.
* Before the movie starts, the crew compares Richard Harris's performance of Dumbledore with [[TheOtherDarrin Michael Gambon's]].
---> '''Bill''': Yeah, they did a little Dumbledore upgrade. The last model sounded like this, Kevin?
---> '''Kevin''': (in a very dry, raspy voice) H.. Harry? Haaary Potter? Could you possibly spare any moisture? I'm feeling a bit dessicated at the moment.
---> '''Mike''': Right. And now he sounds like a drunken, bellowing Irishman. Bill?
---> '''Bill''': [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Jeez, Mike, so I had a little fun at your son's communion party.]] I replaced the window, I steamcleaned the couch, what else do... Oh, you're talking about Michael Gambon. Oh. Well the new Dumbledore sounds something like this. [[NoIndoorVoice Gryffindor! Hufflepuff! Parseltongue, Imperius, Horcrux, Animaaaaagus!]] Durmstrang Institute of Sorcery, Crookshanks and Blastended S-<Belch!>
[[AC:Harry Potter And The Order of the Phoenix]]
* '''Dumbledore:''' Albus... Percival... Wulfric... Brian... Dumbledore.
-->'''Kevin:''' The third... Esquire... Jr.......Mrs.
* ''[During Fudge's press interview]''
--> '''Fudge:''' The Ministry of Magic is pleased to announce the appointment of Dolores Jane Umbridge as High Inquisitor, to address the falling standards at Hogwarts School. Having already revolutionized the teaching of Defense Against the Dark Arts-
--> '''Bill:''' Yes, but what about the rumors of gas shortages?
--> '''Kevin:''' Mr. Minister do you have a comment on the wizard genocide in Africa?
--> '''Mike:''' ''[as Fudge]'' Please keep all questions to the matter of staffing the local boarding school.
* '''Mike:''' The Floo Network, it's like The Food Network but instead of cooking it's people shivering and running to the bathroom.
* ''[In Dumbledore's office]''
--> '''Harry:''' ''LOOK AT ME!''
--> '''Bill:''' A phrase that sums up the life of Paris Hilton.
--> '''Harry:''' What's happening to me?
--> '''Kevin:''' A phrase that sums up the life of Lindsay Lohan.
* ''[After the climatic battle in the Ministry of Magic]''
-->'''Mike:''' ''[as Dumbledore]'' So Harry, how are your classes going?
* "Good morning, evil grandma!"
* This bit:
-->'''Ron''': Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?
-->'''Mike''': I AM THE DEMON BELTHAGORE!!! Wha - whoops! I mean - I mean no one! Nothing!
* They have a lot of fun with [[CloudCuckoolander Luna]] [[EnsembleDarkHorse Lovegood]].
-->'''Mike:''' "Cold is just a state of mind, like happiness, or penguins."
** "If the kitchens ever ran out of pudding, I'd kill everyone in the school."
** "I only eat moonbeams."
* As Harry enters Umbridge's office:
--> '''Mike:''' (as a kitten plate) "Hi. Welcome to Hell."
* Harry puts on his glasses
--> '''Mike:'''(As Harry) Dumbledore, shouldn't we have a spell that fixes eyesight? It seems like that...
--> '''Kevin:''' MORE CHOCOLATE FROGS AND BOOGER FLAVORED JELLY BEANS!
* "And somewhere on the internet a new [[NoYay fanfic]] pairing is born"
* "Sometimes you just need a good burp to get out the Dark Lord"
* When Fred and George suddenly aparate right next to Harry:
--> '''Kevin:''' "Gah! Avada Kedavra!"
* A small, but great bit comes when they suddenly have Umbridge ''hiss'' at Fred and George.
* When Harry walks into the dorm room
--> '''Mike (As Harry):''' Alright, let's get one thing straight, this year I run this dorm. Your parents send you cookies, half go to ME. Anyone wants cigarettes, you go through ME. You need a hooker... actually, Dobby handles that. Everything else? ME.
* "*bleep* you and *bleep* your notes."
[[AC:Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince]]
* '''Hermoine''': "If I were you, when he's around, I'd keep the snogging to a minimum."
--> '''Mike''': "And stop wearing that shirt that says 'Doing Ron's sister.'"
* '''Dumbledore''': "Harry do as I say."
--> '''Mike''': "The HarryPotter series summed up in five words.''
* Any time in the series Mike shows off his Snape impression but especially later in the series:
--> '''Snape:''' Retrieve . . your . . wand.
--> '''Mike: (as Snape):'' And . . do it . . quickly.
** "Dragon.........''balls?''"
* "Luna Lovegood: really just a good old fashioned stoner."
* "You stupid ginger son of a *beep*"
* Snape stands staring out of a window while it's raining
--> '''Snape:''' It's... raining... men... hallelujah.
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Indiana Jones]]
[[AC:Raiders of the Lost Ark]]
* A lot of it can be found [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTJ1jsDxFg4 here]].
** "Gestapo Pizza!"
** "They've seig-heil'd so many times, the words have lost all meaning."
** "The gasoline! What will power our Nazi go-karts?"
** "Private Otto has burnt the bratwurscht again, shoot him!"
** "The idol is mooning us with full cheek spread!"
** "So it's one tug for ''I found it,'' two tugs for ''The mummy is real and absorbing my soul.''"
** "Please, sir, that is our only horse!" "Cram it, Osama!" "That is our only means of bringing water to the village! Without him, we will all die, sir!"
*** "And thus, Al Qaeda is born."
** "Indiana Jones, meet '''Dusseldorf Strauss!'''"
** "Goinonbreaknowbye!"
---> '''Dietrich''': I am uncomfortable with the thought of this Jewish ritual.\\
'''Bill''': I ''like'' my foreskin!
** "The funeral of Gary Coleman was a sad affair."
** During the bar fight: "Oh good, a... pirate".
** "Forgive me, father, I killed, like, eight guys today...hey, kid! Get out of my confessional!" "This is our kitchen." "No, ''you're'' drunk!" "Daddy!"
** "Its filled with Skittles!"
** "Grandpa tried to light the grill again."
** "Hey boss! Guess what? (THUD) I'm dead."
** "All these people do is get stoned out of their gourd and laugh like the ''Film/{{Predator}}''!"
** "Oh great, fanboys! Look, I've told you: I don't give a damn [[StarWars who shot first]]!"
** *WHAM* "AAAAAAAAAAAGGhh" "GO PACKERS!"
** "Hitler, crazy? That's a reach."
[[AC:Kingdom of the Crystal Skull]]
* As soon as the film starts, we get: "And we're back with Indiana Jones and the Goblet of Fire."
* The grand marshal of this year's gay pride parade, Shia [=LaBeouf=]!
* Man, that guy is begging for suicide by ent!
* On Cate Blanchett's accent:
-->'''Indy:''' You're not from around here, are you?
-->'''Spalko:''' Where is it you would imagine I am from, Dr. Jones?
-->'''Kevin Murphy:''' I'm guessing the Bullwinkle Show.
-->'''Indy:''' Well, the way you're sinking your teeth into those wubble-u's, I should think maybe Eastern Ukraine.
-->'''Mike Nelson:''' Hm, I was thinking Fake-istan.
* Sung to the classic Indiana Jones theme as Indy "runs" on top of crates escaping gunfire:
-->'''Bill''': Here we go now! Really sloooow! Nearly limping! 'Cause he's old, old, old! Old, old, old, old, old, old oooooold!
* Any of the cracks the guys make about Oxley being insane and smelly.
* After the "Nuke the fridge" scene, Kevin observes: "Okay, I guess for the rest of the movie, Indy battles bone cancer."
* When [[FridgeLogic Dr. freaking Jones]] pronounces the word "nuclear" as "nu-cue-ler", Kevin says: "Nu-cue-ler: you might as well put it in the dictionary!"
* After Indy pulls the blowing-the-dart-back-at-the-native trick:
-->'''Bill''': ''(as the native)'' Oh! Loading the darts in backwards was a poor decision!
* As the water is carrying the group to safety;
-->'''Mike:''' Oxley! I just swam through a warm spot!
-->'''Bill:''' (mimicking Oxley's voice) I got scared, I'm sorry.
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Lord of the Rings]]
[[AC:The Fellowship of the Ring]]
* "Uh-oh. They've invented the tank--pack it in, boys."
* During Bilbo's eleventy-first birthday party:
-->'''Bilbo''': I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.\\
'''Mike''': But I like half-and-half twice as much as whole milk and half as much as skim.
* When the Ringwraiths attack Bree:
-->'''Aragorn''': I know what hunts you.\\
'''Mike''': And his name is [[WesternAnimation/LooneyTunes Fudd]].
* During Galadriel and Frodo's mirror conversation:
-->'''Galadriel''': I know what you saw.\\
'''Mike''': You dirty little man.
* Gandalf's arrival:
--> '''Frodo:''' You're late.\\
'''Mike:''' [[WinstonChurchill And you're short, but tomorrow I'll wake up and I won't be late anymore.]]
* This exchange:
--> '''Saruman''': Your love of the halfling's leaf has clearly slowed your mind.\\
'''Bill''' (in a stoner voice): So I like to wake and bake, what of it, man?
* During a sweeping shot of The Shire:
--> '''Mike:''' You should see that place now...hobbit massage parlors, tacky billboards, little hobbit streetwalkers with shaved feet...
* '''Gandalf:''' Bilbo...the ring is still in your pocket.\\
'''Mike:''' Along with two pistachio shells, a breadbag tie, and some lint. HA HA, you see, I'm magic!
* Legolas' first appearance:
--> '''Mike:''' And all the teen girls say "He's a boy, but he looks like me and he's safe! I love him!"
* Kevin, at the very beginning, talking about how rapt with anticipation he is to see one of his favorite characters of all time - Tom Bombadil, perpetrator of the novel's infamous BigLippedAlligatorMoment who was never at any stage of production to be included in the film.
* One of Disembaudio's sync lines, delivered in a complete monotone: "You. Shall not. Pass."
[[AC:The Two Towers]]
* "[[ShoutOut They're gonna]] [[Film/YouDontMessWithTheZohan mess with the Rohan]]?!"
* The first time Frodo and Sam meet Gollum, and Gollum throws himself onto Frodo:
-->'''Mike''': Any girl whose ever worn a Manga/SailorMoon [[{{Cosplay}} costume]] at ComicCon knows ''exactly'' how he feels.
* When Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli meet the exiled Riders of Rohan:
--> '''Eomer''': What business do a man, an elf, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?\\
'''Mike''': And shouldn't you be [[StockShticks walking into a bar]] somewhere?
* Turning "Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew" into a StupidStatementDanceMix.
* (As the Elves enter Helm's Deep) "Hey, can you point the way to [[ThreeHundred Thermopylae]]?"
* "And his tombstone will be on a post-apocalyptic college campus."
* Before the Battle of Helm's Deep:
--> '''All (as orcs stomping their spears, in unison)''': Ow my foot. Ow my foot. Ow my foot.
** Similarly, as Haldir's elves prepare for battle:
---> '''All:''' ''(turning) Hey, look over there. ''(placing swords on ground)'' Boy, don't these things get heavy.
* Again, before the Battle of Helm's Deep:
-->'''Mike (singing)''': And all the little orcs are marching, red and black helmets waving...\\
'''Kevin''': Uh, Mike, what did I tell you about singing Dave Matthews?\\
'''Mike''': Oh, uuuh...you know what? I wrote it down, hang on. "If I ever sung him in your presence, I would find my head rolling down a filthy alley and...wow."
* "I don't know, but I been told...Orc strong, but they not smart."
** "[[ShoutOut Who leader of club]] [[FullMetalJacket made for you and me]]? Orc can't spell, but it MickeyMouse."
* About the aftermath of the impending battle:
--> '''Theoden:''' Crops can be regrown. Homes rebuilt."\\
'''Mike:''' Cows recowed!
* Aragorn returns:
--> '''Legolas:''' You look terrible.\\
'''Mike:''' Terrib-ly rugged and sexy, right?
* To Faramir:
--> '''Sam:''' Will you not help him?\\
'''Mike:''' Yes, I will not.
* Theodred's death:
--> '''Bill:''' The death of {{Hanson}}.\\
'''Kevin:''' Which one?\\
'''Bill:''' The one that looked like a girl and then turned ugly.\\
'''Kevin:''' [[TakeThat Again, which one?]]
* The impaled Uruk head's possible last words:
--> '''Bill:''' Hey, throw me a grape, I'll catch it in my mouth...what's that? ...Look out for what behind me?
* At the Wargs of Isengard attacking the Rohirrim: "They smell ''[[BaconAddiction bacon]]!''"
*
--> '''Gandalf:''' "All our hopes now lie with two small hobbits, somewhere in the wilderness."
--> '''Bill:''' "In other words, Hail Lord Sauron!"
[[/folder]]
[[folder: The Matrix Trilogy]]
[[AC:The Matrix]]:
* When Mr. Anderson is being admonished by his boss:
-->'''Boss''': You have a problem with authority--\\
'''Bill''': [[HypocriticalHumor No I don't! Go to hell]]!
* When he's fleeing the Agents for the first time:
-->'''Mr. Anderson''': This is insane...!\\
'''Kevin''': No no, [[{{Sequelitis}} the next two movies are insane]]; this one was somewhat rational.
* When Mr. Anderson gets his mouth sealed shut:
-->'''Mike''': Amazing it doesn't [[DullSurprise impair his acting talent]].\\
'''Bill''': Oh, no! I have more to shave!
* "We melt down {{Terminator}}s to make our mirrors.
* "''I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT!!!'' '''''Short and stout.'''''"
* During the scene where Morpheus explains The Matrix to Neo:
-->'''Morpheus''': How did I beat you?
-->'''Kevin''': Quite soundly, thank you.
-->'''Morpheus''': You think that's air you're breathing?
-->'''Mike''': Its wild rice.
* Trying to discuss what Film/TheMatrix is...
-->'''Mike''': Okay, okay, so let me see if I understand The Matrix now...\\
'''Kevin''': Okay, give it a try.\\
'''Mike''': Uh...we all started shaved, and punctured, and immersed in pods full of KY...\\
'''Kevin''': Right.\\
'''Mike''': And we live in [[CrapsackWorld a bland, unsatisfying]] [[LotusEaterMachine dream world]]...[[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking that's Linux-based]]...\\
'''Kevin''': Uh-huh...\\
'''Mike''': And [[LaurenceFishburne Larry Fishburne]] [[MushroomSamba offers us drugs]] and rids our body of shrimp...\\
'''Kevin''': Right.\\
'''Mike''': And we pull the tendril timer out of our skull, put on greasy clothes, and head right back into the dream world!\\
'''Kevin''': I think you got it!\\
'''Mike''': Hey~! I know "What is The Matrix?"!\\
'''Kevin''': ''That's'' Film/TheMatrix!
* "Okay, so weaponry, travel, computers, they're still super-advanced...but [[TechMarchesOn pornography, of all things, is still stuck in]] TheFifties?
* "And when you eat your Smarties, do you eat the red ones last? Do you suck them very slowly, do you crunch them very fast?"
* Sometimes it's the simple things:
-->'''Morpheus''': Tank.
-->'''Mike''': You're welcome.
[[AC:The Matrix Reloaded]]:
* Their introduction:
--> '''Mike''': Before your favorite franchises were afflicted with "[[Film/TheGodfather Godfather's]] Syndrome" and let you down with number ''three'' in the trilogy...
--> '''Bill''': ''{{Terminator}}''!
--> '''Kevin''': ''[[Film/XMen X-Men]]''!
--> '''Bill''': ''{{Shrek}}''!
--> '''Kevin''': ''[[Film/SpiderMan Spider-Man]]''!
--> '''Bill''': ''PiratesOfTheCaribbean''!
--> '''Mike''': ...''Film/TheMatrix'' was there, boldly flaunting convention, ''[[{{Sequelitis}} and sucking in Part Two]]!''
* "''[[Manga/{{Akira}} TETSUO!!!]]''"
-->'''Trinity:''' (on the phone) I'm in.
-->'''Kevin:''' ''(mimicking a typical dudey pizza delivery guy)'' You want what on your pizza?
* "The passionate dialog crackles with [[StarWars Anakinian]] lust!"
->'''Trinity''': What is it?
->'''Neo''': ...I don't know.
->'''Mike''': ''(chuckles)'' A tower of insight, this one.
* Link is returning home to his wife
->'''Link''': Where's my puss...
->'''[realizes that children are in the room]
->'''Link''': Eeeeeeeey...
->'''[The riffers chuckle]
->'''Cas''':: C'mon kids, time to go.
->'''Mike''': [as the kids]: But we wanna help Uncle Link find his cat!
* During the infamous dance scene/sex scene
->'''Kevin Murphy''': This has now lasted longer than the Orthodox wedding scene in ''TheDeerHunter''.
...
[Later]
->'''Kevin Murphy''': Okay, now it's lasted longer than the '''entirety''' of ''The Deer Hunter''.
* When Smith starts cloning himself:
-->'''Bane''': Oh god!
-->'''Agent Smith''': [[AnswersToTheNameOfGod Smith will suffice]].
-->'''Mike''': ''(imitating Smith)'' I love it when they set me up like that!
-->'''Kevin''': I think he likes the zinging almost as much as the killing.
-->''(Bane's mutation into an Agent Smith clone is complete)''
-->'''Mike and Kevin''': ''(both imitating Smith)'' My god, you're handsome! Thank you. Okay, knock it off!
* "Father Reeves, Action Priest!"
* "Pop goes the Agent~!"
* "Big deal; JackieChan did this stuff [[DrunkenMaster drunk]]."
->'''Smith''': Perhaps some part of you imprinted onto me, some part overwritten or copied...It is at this point irrelevant."\\
'''Bill''': ''(imitating Smith)'' We'll fill it in in a later rewrite, whoops."
* The ten-second chorus of "Mr. Anderson" from Mike, Kevin, and Bill upon the arrival of all the Mr Smith clones.
* This exchange:
--> '''Kevin''': So the nature of the universe is a date rape drug slipped to us by some pervy frog?\\
'''Mike''': I want a new universe!
* "[[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Valentine%27s_Day_massacre The St. Valentine's Day Mass...]][[EpicFail ive failure!"]]
* During the big fight in the parlor:
-->'''Mike''': Uh oh, guys. I...I just had a horrible thought, and I need to share it...\\
'''Bill''': Aw, you really need to, strictly--\\
'''Mike''': ''Here it is''...I thought that it'd be nice to see [[Film/HarryPotter a long Quidditch scene]] right now...''(Kevin gasps)''...or even, god help me, some [[ThePhantomMenace pod-racing]]! ''(dissolves into anguished laughter)''\\
'''Bill''': There, there, Mike...\\
'''Kevin''': It's okay, buddy.\\
'''Bill''': Damn it, ''Matrix: Reloaded''! See what you've done to Mike?!
** Later, during a slow-motion jump across the parlour:
-->'''Kevin:''' Huh. My thorazine's kicking in- do things seem slow to you right now?
-->'''Bill:''' Nnnnnoootttt aaaat aaaaaaaall, Keeeeeeviiiiiiiin.
* During the highway chase scene:
-->'''Kevin''': Ah~ a little car crash porn!\\
'''Mike''': DavidCronenberg needed a cold shower after this scene.
** Later:
--->'''Kevin''': Just when David Cronenberg was lighting up a cigarette, relaxing, this starts him up all over again!
*** And later still:
---->'''Mike''': ''(chuckling)'' David Cronenberg will have to check into a hospital tonight; he's no spring chicken anymore!\\
'''Kevin''': You mean in terms of his stamina for [[RefugeInAudacity masturbating repeatedly at slow footage of car crashes]]? Just to clarify?\\
'''Mike''': ...I didn't think we needed to be so on-the-nose about it there, Kevin, but, uh...[[SureLetsGoWithThat yeah, okay]].
* "LaurenceFishburne fires his agent!"
** Along the same lines:
---> (a guy in a car gets hurt, who looks like...) "Will Ferrell!"
---> (next glimpse of the man shows he's an agent now) "Will Ferrell's agent!"
* ''(sung to the tune of the {{Superman}} theme)'' "It's KeanuReeves, he's going so fast~! It's KeanuReeves, he's trailing some garbage~! It's Keanu, flying Keanu, going to save the hot chick and then smoke up a bowl~!"
* "The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! No, serious, people; I think the machines started it!"
* "Hey, you in the back, this is an ''anti-''machine rally, quit doing the robot!"
* (Random black man jumps towards to screen) HI MOM!
* During Neo and Trinity's [[FanDisservice sex scene]]: (sing-songy) "Neo likes Trinity, Neo likes Trinity!"
* Pretty much every reaction to [[MisterExposition the Architect's]] long-winded [[{{Infodump}} speech]]:
--> '''Kevin''': [[MeaninglessMeaningfulWords Words wordswordswords words…words words words]].
--> '''Mike''': (whenever Neo asks a question) No, don't ask! Oh god, he's gonna go on for like ten minutes…''No, don't encourage him!''
--> '''Bill''': Well good, we're done, can we– (He starts talking again) ''Gah!'' The guy's like a [[PollyWantsAMicrophone parrot in a cracker factory.]]
--> '''Kevin''': That's right, folks, the '''''ACTION FLICK OF THE SUMMER!'''''
--> '''Kevin''': The instruction manual for my snow blower is ''gripping'' compared to this clown!
--> '''Mike''': Oh look, [[ShutUpHannibal bite my nuggets, Colonel Sanders]].
--> '''Kevin''': Look, Jack Perkins, could you sum up, my car's doubled-parked!
--> '''Kevin''': Our priority, the next film will be two solid hours of fighting robots.
--> '''Bill''': ''OH DEAR GOD, get off the screen!''
--> '''Kevin''': [[RunningGag Words words wordswordswords words words]].
[[AC:The Matrix Revolutions]]
* Lets get ready to '''''[[{{Retcon}} RETCOOOONNN!!!]]'''''
* During Smith's VillainousBreakdown:
-->'''Bill''': He's having a total eclipse of the heart!
** And then during his death:
--->'''All''': ''(as the Smith clones are staring to explode, in unison)'': [[BrickJoke Turn aroouunnnnd, briiiiiiight eyyeess]]...
* Comenting on [[OminousLatinChanting the]] [[CrowningMusicOfAwesome music]] during the final battle:
-->'''Bill''': I like to play this soundtrack when I mow the lawn, makes me mow the ''hell'' out the the lawn! Sometimes the lawn actually bursts into flames...
* "Lizard people... somehow responsible... must warn David Icke!"
* "Remember guys, these movies are ''philosophical." ''
--> "Yes, I actually do find myself drifting to thoughts of Socrates...[[GeniusBonus IN that I want to drink hemlock and die.]]"
* Counts as both a GeniusBonus and a TakeThat against a bit part played by Cornell West:
-->'''West''': We can't treat this as a hopeless cause.
-->'''Mike''': Hey, the guy who voted for Ralph Nader has no right to talk about hopelessness.
* During Trinity's death scene:
-->Ow, ow, ''ow, OW!''
-->Ow, you're leaning on the poles that skewered my liver, OW!
--> My god you have driven that one pole DEEPER IN MY LEFT VENTRICLE AND IT HURTS ABOUT FIVE TIMES AS MUCH!
-->Apparently you didn't have the pleasure of KNEELING ON A POLE STICKING OUT OF MY ''LUNGS,'' AND YOU JUST HAD TO TRY, OW OW OW OH GOD OW OW!!
-->And yet you still have your elbow PUSHING AGAINST THE ''THING'' THAT TORE MY SPINE OUT, AM I NOT BEING ''CLEAR?!''
-->It had nothing to do with you SITTING DIRECTLY ON MY SHATTERED PELVIS LIKE YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW!!!
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Pirates of the Caribbean]]
[[AC: The Curse of the Black Pearl]]
* Upon seeing the shipwreck in the beginning:
--> '''Mike:''' Shia Labeouf Buys A Yacht, Day One.
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Spider-Man]]
[[AC: Spider-Man 2]]
* "Whooo! Yay ledge!"
* "And her entire skeletal system was pulverized."
* "BOOOOOONESAW IS READY! To be left out of this picture, and feel really depressed about it. Seriously, BONESAW was seeing a therapist for a while. But now, BONESAW IS REAAADY... to get on with his life." (After he appears in the retelling of the first film during the opening credits.)
* Introducing the robotic arms.
--> '''Reporter''': But Dr. Octavius, if the artificial intelligence of these arms is as advanced as you suggest, wouldn't that leave you vulnerable to them?
--> '''Octavius''': How right you are.
--> '''Bill''': KILL HER, ARMS!
* BruceCampbell's cameo
--> '''Bruce:''' "And you might want to..."
--> '''Mike:''' "...Be as awesome as me."
* When an image of Norman Osborn appears in the mirror.
--> '''Harry''': "Dad, I thought you're..."
--> '''Willem Dafoe''': "I'm in art film hell."
* "Spidersprite, spidersprite/Totally digital spidersprite/Is he real? Listen, bud/He's got zeroes and ones for blood!"
[[AC:Spider-Man 3]]
* During Harry and Peter's climactic fight:
-->'''Harry''': I protected you in high school. Now I'm gonna kick your ass!
-->'''Peter''': Ooh!
-->'''Bill''': The five-minute follow up of them shouting "Oh yeah?" "Yeah!" was wisely cut for time.
* During the first Peter and Harry fight scene:
-->'''Harry''': You knew this was coming, Pete!
-->'''Kevin''': I sent you an email about it!
* When Peter is trying to resuscitate the unconscious Harry:
-->'''Peter''': HARRY!
-->'''Kevin''': I need you for the third act! Live, dammit, live!
* A wonderful bit of CrossesTheLineTwice humor after Peter gets the symbiote suit:
-->'''Bill''': He can jump really high and he now "gets" Tyler Perry.
* After Black Suit Spidey breaks Eddie's camera:
-->'''Eddie''': What the ''hell?!''
-->'''Kevin''': The pictures of my cat on an invisible bike!
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Star Trek]]
[[AC:Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan]]
* When Khan lifts Chekhov by his spacesuit
-->'''Mike:''' Chekhov, now with E-Z-Grip handle!
* On the rendering of the Genesis Effect
-->'''Mike:''' This is like we took the game ''VideoGame/SimEarth'', and remove anything fun and interesting from it. In other words, exactly like ''VideoGame/SimEarth''.
-->'''Kevin:''' Rifftrax! Some two-decade-old computer games have it coming!
* The massive amounts of [[ItWasHisSled 'spoilers']] Bill keeps spouting during the opening credits, to Mike and Kevin's annoyance.
-->'''Bill''': Kill Spock already!
-->'''Kevin''': Bill, stop that!
-->'''Bill''': I could have killed Spock and [[Film/StarTrekIIITheSearchForSpock Kirk's son]] by now!
[[AC:Star Trek: Generations]]
* "Onscreen." (A group of Klingons appear) "Aah! Offscreen! Offscreen!"
* Then there's that priceless moment when Bill asks about the female Klingons "Do you think we're seeing the only hairless part of their breasts?" and Mike can't help but scream.
--> '''Picard:''' Warp One, engage!
--> '''Kevin:''' Go that way!
* [[Film/TheWizardOfOz "Romulan, Breen, and Klingon!" "Oh my!"]]
* "Doctor... Sauron..." "[[LordoftheRings The Dark Lord?]]" "...Doctor Tarien Sauron..." "Oh, ''Doctor'' The Dark Lord."
* The scene opens on an 18th century frigate with the entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation wearing period appropriate naval uniforms.
--> '''Kevin Murphy:''' Okay, I might be jumping the gun here but this may be the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made.
--> '''Mike Nelson:''' Hm, you know what, that's easy enough to figure out, let me just get out my tricorder here, punch in a few settings, "beep", "beep, beep, beep", adjust for fluxating magnetic fields, "beep", "beep, beep", take a residual stupidity reading, "nee-re-re-re-re-re-re", Kevin I'm getting very high readings indeed, sir!
--> '''Kevin Murphy:''' There must be emanations of asininity fouling your readings. Let me take my own, "click, click, buzz, whir, click". Yes, our data sets correspond, "click".
--> '''Mike Nelson:''' Well, okay. There you have it: scientific proof that this is the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made.
--> '''Kevin Murphy:''' Click, buzz, whir.
--> '''Mike Nelson:''' Nee-re-re-re-re-re-re.
* Interestingly, during Picard's tearful anguish over Renee and Robert's death, the crew become more or less silent and allow the scene to play through without mockery.
** Which could be considered a CrowningMomentOfAwesome for Patrick Stewart.
[[AC:Star Trek (2009)]]
* "No one's gone here before! Permission to boldly go?"
* "And now: the haunting, lyrical, kind of Samuel Barber-ish 'Husband Killing' theme."
* "The Kelvin is also known as the USS {{Redshirt}}."
* The Kelvin being heavily damaged:
-->"[[SpaceIsAnOcean Water breaking in all over the place...]]"
* (Pretending to be baby Kirk:) "[[WilliamShatner Wah... wahwah. Goo... googahgah.]]"
* Spock flips out after the Vulcan bullies called his mother the "human whore":
-->"Please, Spock. The logical response is to return a dispiriting jab concerning one of '''our''' mothers."
* This exchange:
-->'''Sarek:''' (to young Spock) Emotions run deep within our race.
-->'''Bill:''' No, they don't— GO TO HELL, Dad!
* Also:
-->'''Captain Pike:''' "Your father was Captain of a starship for twelve minutes, he saved eight hundred lives. I dare you to do better."
--> "I have endangered eight hundred and ''one'' people's lives and you have 20 minutes to save them."
* About the Romulans:
-->'''Bill''': There's a Blue Man Group missing a couple of drummers!
* During Kirk's academic cheating trial:
-->'''Kirk (to Spock)''': Let me ask you something I think we all know the answer to.\\
'''Mike''': Why did ''Series/{{Heroes}}'' suck so bad after Season 1?
* As the [[SoundtrackDissonance inappropriate funk music]] kicks in at the end of Spock's refusal of the Vulcan Science Academy:
-->'''Kevin''': Funky Spock! Funky Spock! Gimme some of that funky Spock! Uh!
* At the abrupt end of Kirk's trial:
-->'''Starfleet Academy Headmaster''': I hereby order all cadets to report to Hanger 1 immediately. Dismissed.\\
'''Mike''': ...Oh, and Kirk, I sentence you to hang by the neck until dead. Bye!
* "[[TheIncredibleHulk She-Hulk]] is pleased!"
* On the bridge, where we meet...
--> '''Sulu (played by John Cho):''' I'm Hikaru Sulu.
--> '''Mike (as George Takei):''' No, you're not.
* "AH!!!! We went to Detroit by accident!!!"
* "Has anyone seen my hamster?"
* When Nero introduces himself to the ''Enterprise'':
-->'''Nero''': Hi, Christopher. I'm Nero.\\
'''Everyone (in AA-meeting-style voices)''': "Hi, Nero."
* On the drill landing scene:
-->'''Mike''': So if I understand their plan correctly, it was: "Fall out of ship."\\
'''Kevin''': I think you gave it a lot more thought than they did.
* "Tell my bald wife and bald kids how bald I think they are!"
* After [[spoiler:planet Vulcan is destroyed]]
-->'''[=McCoy=]''': Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a physicist!\\
'''Bill''': No-no, more phlegm; let's hear those giant throat nodes and smoker's hack!\\
'''Kevin''': ''('''extremely''' gravelly)'' Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a human grizzly bear!\\
'''Bill''': There you go!
* When Kirk gets ejected onto the ice-planet in an escape pod:
-->'''Kevin''': Kirk is ejected along with a dog-eared copy of ''Literature/{{Twilight}}''.\\
'''Mike''': Ah, they packed him [[TakeThat toilet paper]]--that was thoughtful.
* "What the hell? Is that a [[StarWars tauntaun]]?! You guys marooned me in the wrong franchise, you idiots!"
* (in regards to the first appearance of [[spoiler:Spock!Prime]]) "[[MoneyDearBoy Alright, let's get this over with...Vulcan sign; 'Live Long and Prosper'; where's my check?]]"
* "It nice seeing the Creature from the Black Lagoon getting work again."
* When Kirk and [[spoiler:Spock!Prime]] meet Scotty:
-->'''Scotty''': I had a little debate with my instructor on the issue of relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel.\\
'''Bill''': Meaning "I slept with his wife."\\
* A little later* \\
'''Scotty''': Are you from the future?\\
'''Kevin''': Yes, but we pronounce it: '''[[AC:"THE FUTURE!!!"]]'''
* "Nobody knows when it's appropriate to do impressions of Spock roaring."
* As Scotty dries the insides of his ears, one of the trio makes a little squeaky sound.
* When Kirk sees [[spoiler:Spock and Uhura making out]]:
-->'''Bill (as Kirk)''': I'm not sure which one I'm jealous of.
* Their faces don't look like OUR faces! SHOOT THEM!
* When the drill attacks San Francisco:
-->'''Kevin''': It's the vengeful laser-ghost of Harvey {{Milk}}!
* "Well, I guess it's time to summon [[StarWars Lord Vader]]."
* "[[TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles Master Splinter?...Raphael?]]...anybody?"
* "How many people are gonna choke me (Kirk) today?"
* "[[BoyBand Backstreet's]] [[ShoutOut back, alright!]]"
* "Only one brave sperm penetrates the egg's outer wall. Brave little sperm!"
* When victory is achieved:
-->'''Mike (as Spock)''': Nice.\\
'''Kevin (as Kirk)''': Nice.\\
'''Bill (as Sulu)''': Nice.\\
'''Mike (as Chekov)''': Neee-[=YIIIIIce=].
* At the end:
-->'''Kirk''': Scotty, how we doin'?\\
'''Mike (as Scotty)''': Still Scottish and whimsical, sir!
* "Scotty and his wife have a weird relationship."
* [[TheRoom "Oh, hai, Old Spock, welcome to San Francisco! Don't worry about it!"]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Star Wars]]
[[AC:StarWars I: The Phantom Menace]]
* The opening with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan:
-->'''Qui-Gon:''' Be mindful of the living Force, young padawan.
-->'''Obi-Wan:''' Yes, master.
-->'''Mike:''' But the screenplay! I sense disaster!
* Any and all riffs pertaining to Jar Jar, but particularly when just resort to cursing him:
--> '''Jar Jar:''' We've no nuttin' moola to trade (or something stupid like that).
--> '''Mike:''' Look, GO TO HELL.
** And this one:
---> '''Jar Jar:''' WEESA GOIN HOOOOOOME!
---> '''Kevin:''' Oh, do so COMPLETELY shut up.
** Kevin actually [[NauseaFuel vomits for five minutes]] while Jar-Jar talks.
** One scene has an unfortunate angle of Jar-Jar as well, as Jar Jar swims away from the camera for a few minutes.
--->'''Mike:''' Ah, thank you for giving us an unhindered look at the business end of America's most loathed character.
** And this surprisingly classy discussion of just ''how'' Jar-Jar annoys people:
--->'''Kevin:''' See, my opinion, the Jar-Jar thing isn't so inherently racist as it is more broadly offensive.
--->'''Mike:''' Really?
--->'''Kevin:''' Yeah, he's more annoying in a metaphysical sense.
--->'''Mike:''' I see, so, he bugs your ''soul''?
--->'''Kevin:''' Actually, yes.
* This exchange:
-->'''Yoda:''' Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering.
-->'''Mike:''' Um, Yoda, load of crap biggest ever heard I is that.
** Also "Hey, Yoda, up the hell shut!"
* Mike's reaction to Captain Panaka's rapid InfoDump:
-->'''Mike:''' Wh-who's everyone? Resistance to what? Leaders of what? What's the Federation? What the HELL is going on!?
* This exchange:
-->'''Mike:''' Remember when Theatre/{{Macbeth}} said that life was a tale told by an idiot? I actually think he meant to say ''Star Wars Episode One'' is a tale told by an idiot.
-->'''Kevin:''' Must've been a misprint in [[Creator/WilliamShakespeare the First Folio edition.]]
* [''as a battle droid''] "[[AC:[[Film/{{Patton}} Rommel, you magnificent son of a bitch, I read your book.]]]]"
* The RunningGag of Kevin mispronouncing the names of both Padme and Naboo. This eventually turns into a game of coming up with StarWars names more horrible than the real ones, which they end up accomplishing in the middle of the climax.
* "Every fanboy's dream: take NataliePortman to their room and show her their robot."
* On C-3PO meeting R2-D2:
-->'''Kevin:''' And so begins Hollywood's most enduring gay couple.
* On Jar Jar stealing food with his tongue.
-->'''Kevin:''' [[LampshadedDoubleEntendre Stop tonguing my fruit!]]
[[AC:StarWars II: Attack Of The Clones]]
* This exchange:
-->'''Mike:''' R-4 is the Windows ME of the Astromech droids.
-->'''Kevin:''' Form a nerdier sentence! No, don't try! You can't!
* This scene in the GreasySpoon with the slovenly cook Dex:
-->'''Kevin''': Mike, I invite you to think about that lizard guy's underpants.\\
'''Mike''': OH! ''(dry-heaving)'' OH! ''(gagging)'' [[BrainBleach WHY, Kevin?!]]\\
'''Kevin''': Hey, it took your mind off this whole thing for a minute, didn't it?\\
'''Mike''': You're right. Why, thank you, Kevin! Ah, That guy's underpants...
* When Anakin kisses Padme:
-->'''ChadVader:''' Ah, he's using the Jedi Tongue Technique. His training is now complete.
* After Obi-wan opens a door with the Force: "Oh can the theatrics, that was a remote-sensing door!"
* As [=C3PO and R2D2=] watch their marriage.
-->'''Mike (as [=C3PO=]):''' Someday that will be you and me, R2, as soon as they get rid of that silly law.
* After one of the "wittier" lines:
--> '''Mike:''' The dialogue crackles like, uh, pudding!
* This exchange:
-->'''Mike:''' Uh, do we have any idea who's fighting who?\\
'''Kevin:''' Yes, the director is fighting the audience, and the audience is fighting back.\\
'''Mike:''' Ah. And who's winning?\\
'''Chad Vader:''' Twentieth Century Fox.
* After Anakin finds his dead mother:
-->'''Yoda''': Anakin is in pain...''terrible'' pain...\\
'''Mike''': Hey, what about us, Muppet boy?!\\
''(WipeCut away)''\\
'''Mike''': Hey, don't you wipe cut when I'm talking to you!
* Taking Padme's "I love the water" and turning it into a RunningGag. Example:
--> '''Padme:''' I love you.
--> '''Mike:''' Not as much as the water.
* When Obi-Wan and Count Dooku fight:
-->'''Kevin''': Nuclear silly-string!
** Later...
--->'''ChadVader''': I'm a master of the lightsaber and even ''I'm'' bored. Let's get it on, people!
* The scene where they gush about Padme's bedroom. A description simply cannot do it justice.
* Mace Windu: "Pilot! Land in that assembly area!" ChadVader: "Did he mean Pontius Pilate, 5th Procurator of Judaea? From 26 to 36 AD?" Mike: "Uh...no."
* Kevin's opinion of the RomanticPlotTumor:
--> (Shot of the Clone Army)
--> '''Kevin:''' Have you ever seen something more of an affront to ''all that is holy?!?''
--> (WipeCut to Anakin and Padme having a picnic in a field.)
--> '''Kevin:''' Except, you know, the last time we saw these two.
* And of course from this point forward through the remaining 4 movies (and Holiday Special), the RunningGag about how much Anakin/Vader hates sand.
* After a scene featuring much whining from Anakin (I forget which one)
--> '''ChadVader''': My brother was a puss.
[[AC:StarWars III: Revenge Of The Sith]]
* ''[During the scrolling letters]''
-->'''Bill:''' Meanwhile, Vice Chancellor Ugga Bugga and Darth Buttcrack are rendezvousing on the planet Ovaltine, where the rebel leader B.B. Snausageberry is fighting the dreaded Cameltoeians. How's that?
-->'''Mike:''' I think you've got the hang of this whole Lucas thing. [[NoIndoorVoice Here, have TWENTY BILLION DOLLARS!]]
-->'''Bill:''' Oh, much obliged.
* Kevin finally cracks during the space pod battle:
-->'''Kevin:''' Oh. Oh no. Tell me this movie won’t have Podracing will it. ‘Cause, ‘cause if so, Mike, I’ll pay yah good money to let me out of here now. I will sign the deed to my house over to you!
-->'''Mike:''' Kevin, relax. Enjoy this long, long sequence coming up of Jar Jar Binks doing funny stuff.
-->'''Kevin:''' ''(screams)'' [[AnythingButThat No, no! Mike, please! Let me out! Seriously. I will kill all your enemies. Please!]]
-->'''Mike:''' Here, breath into this paper bag.
* Palpatine's ludicrous ham:
-->'''Palpatine''': The daaaaaaark syde of de faaaaaaaaaaawce is a paaathwaaaaaaay to maaaaaany abeeleeeteez, zum cooooonisder to be unnnnnnnnnnnnaatureil.
-->'''Rifftrax (*continuind)''': And so you see (*incomprehensible string of British accented gibberish, featurinf prominent long vowels).
* Continuing the gag of not caring about the battle scenes:
--> '''Bill:''' ''[during the opening Battle of Coruscant]'' Bad thing: I don't know who is fighting who, where, about what. Good thing: I don't care!
* This particular exchange after one of Yoda's, um... yeah:
-->'''Yoda''': I hope right you are.
-->'''Michael J. Nelson''' [as Yoda]: Or predicate will I put again before subject [[CloudCuckoolander and gibberish shall I spout]].
-->'''Kevin Murphy''': True that is, Mike. An idiot sounds he like.
-->'''Bill Corbett''': And yet by many sci-fi geeks beloved he is, though Muppet he is also, and tiring his use of anastrophe is.
-->'''Michael J. Nelson''': Also true that is. Annoying it very is. Off it pisses me.
* This exchange:
-->'''Mace Windu:''' I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi\\
'''Mike:''' That's funny; we can't sense ANY plot whatsoever!
* This exchange:
-->'''Anakin:''' From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!\\
'''Bill:''' From my point of view, a monkey wrote this script with his PENIS!
* As [[SamuelLJackson Mace Windu:]]
--> '''Bill:''' I have had it with these [[SnakesOnAPlane motherf**kin Sith on this motherf**kin planet!]]
* Any and all jabs at Hayden Christiansen's talent...or rather, lack thereof.
--> Bland?
* On Anakin's transformation into JamesEarlJones:
--> '''Bill:''' He can't do it all at once, or it'll kill him! He's gotta work his way up the manly scale. First he turns into Lance Bass, then Rupert Everett--
--> '''Mike:''' --then Scott Stapp, David Duchovny, Wesley Snipes, Russell Crowe, Rosie O'Donnell, and THEN James Earl Jones.
* This exchange:
-->'''Palpatine:''' NO...no, no YOU WILL DIE!\\
'''Bill:''' NO! [[Literature/OfMiceAndMen I don't wanna go to tha big place!]]
* On Palpatine's last line following Anakin's becoming of a Sith lord:
-->'''Palpatine:''' ONCE MORE THE SITH WILL RUUUUUULE THE GALAXY... ''(voice lowering with each word)'' ...aaand...weee...shall have...peeeeeeeeeeaaaace.\\
'''Riffers:''' (clapping) Oh lovely, marvelous, Darth Actor, ladies and gentlemen, Darth Actor.
* Upon the reveal of Darth Vader via mechanical moving table:
-->'''Bill:''' If this slowly rotates him facedown into a pie, the entire journey will have been worth it.
* As the Empire watches the Death Star under construction:
-->'''Kevin Murphy:''' ''(as Tarkin)'' Yeah, so Darth, a couple of weeks we'll start building it, then we can take that decal off the wall of the window. Until then, looks cool, eh?
-->'''Bill:''' ''(as Vader)'' So, where are the ladies on this ship?
-->'''Mike:''' ''(as Palpatine)'' [[HoYay Ah, my son. You have much to learn about the Dark Side.]]
-->'''Bill:''' ''(as Vader)'' [[BigNo NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!]]
-->'''Kevin:''' Ah, you see, Bill? That one seems kind of warranted.
* When the Wookies are preparing to charge:
--> [[PunctuatedForEmphasis THIS! IS! THE TEDDY BEAR PICNIC!]]
* Any and all Palpatine Old Man jokes.
-->I want a muffin.
-->Oh, my robes!
-->I want a Fig Newton!
-->OH, I never knew my pants could be this full!
-->Oh, I'm whipped, some noodle soup and bed for me.
* The RunningGag about R2 being a droid serial killer.
* This:
--> '''Padme:''' Ani...I'm pregnant.
--> '''Bill:''' I'm pretty sure it's Watto's. I can feel its wings moving around.
* "I believe I have the right to know if you are ''pants-crapping insane!"''
* The IAmVeryBritish persona they give Obi-Wan.
* Mike decides to take advantage of the Palpatine/Mace Windu fight and uses the time to share a (surprisingly detailed) recipe for dip with his friends and the listeners. Made funnier by Bill and Kevin trying to listen to him and pay attention to the film at the same time.
--> '''Bill:''' ...Uh, Samuel has the guy ''pinned down now,'' Mike.
* "What do you think, penis-headed ghost of Hamlet's father?"
* All of the jabs involving how SamuelLJackson is [[SirSwearsALot notorious for swearing.]]
** You're not a mother[[SoundEffectsBleep *BLEEP*]]ing master.
* "Sky-WANKER."
* The guys making fun of Yoda's speech pattern.
** "Off it pisses me!"
* When Anakin is complaining to Palpatine
-->'''Palpatine:''' It is upsetting to me to see that the Council doesn't seem to fully appreciate your talents.
-->'''Mike:''' WHAT TALENTS?!
[[AC:Star Wars IV: A New Hope]]
* "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, [[GeorgeLucas a film maker]] said, 'I WILL create a character named Kit Fisto!'"
* "Genius, thwarting DarthVader by sending the plans to a planet covered in ''sand''. He hates that stuff!
* "Door. Guys. Door! Guys! DOOR! GU-ah, crap."
* "Good guys are dropping left and right, the Stormtroopers have no idea how to react. Nothing like this has ever happened to them before!"
* "It's the Council of Lousy Haircuts!"
* "....when did we let an American in?"
* "Can't we have just ''one'' nice meal together?"
* "My pants are plastic/My helmet's tight/My balls are swinging left to right!"
** "Chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe..."
* [[Series/DoctorWho "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"]]
* One of [[GallowsHumor the most callous and hilarious one-liners]] in the entire series riff:
-->'''C-3PO''': I'm C-3P0, human cyborg relations. And this is my counterpart, R2-D2.\\
'''Luke''': Hello.\\
'''Kevin''': ''(as [=R2D2=])'' I stood next to your mother as she ''died''.
** Bill's reaction, a dark little chuckle and an understated "Utini" makes it the funniest thing to ever happen.
* Absolutely [[EnsembleDarkHorse EVERYTHING]] regarding the unfortunately named Porkins.
[[AC:Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back]]
* "Oh, man. Oh, Luke, you okay? I was out cold there for a few minutes, I got this broken nose, blood everywhere, really embarrassing. Hey, my seatbelt's a little stuck, can you, uh, help me with it? Uh, Luke, where the hell are you going? This isn't funny, man. Don't take my wallet, you piker! When I get out of here I swear to God I'm gonna OHGAAAAA!"
* On the probe droid on Hoth:
-->'''Kevin:''' Look out, it's a probe droid. [[AnalProbing Don't let it see your]] '''''[[AnalProbing ass]]'''''!
* When Chewie giggles at Leia's jibe at Han.
-->'''Kevin:''' ''(as Chewie)'' Pwned!
-->'''Han:''' Laugh it up, fuzzball.
-->'''Kevin:''' ''(as Chewie)'' Don't mind if I do, skin tube!
* After Leia kisses Luke:
-->'''Bill:''' ''(as Leia)'' Now, if you don't mind, I have to go make out with my Dad.
* "A KLANSMAN!"
* "Hm. Tripping balls I am, right now!"
* "Lando?" [[RunningGag "Cerebro?" "Magneto!"]]
* "Down boy, quit humping my leg!"
* "Don't make me lay the smackdown on that ass."
[[AC:Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi]]
* Pretty much anything relating to the Ewok/Stormtrooper battle:
** "TheHurtLocker as presented by the Build-a-Bear Workshop."
** "Today's the day the teddy bears have their ''murder''!"
** "Remember: these are the Empire's ''best'' troops."
** "My God, they're eating them."
** "It's like a scene from 'HarryAndTheHendersons: Harry Goes to Iraq.'"
* '''Imperial Officer:''' You rebel scum.
--> '''Bill:''' You Imperial slut!
* ''[Watching the rebels being massacred outside the Death Star]''
-->'''Emperor:''' The Alliance will die. As will your friends.
-->'''Mike:''' [[HarryPotter Ron, Hermione,]] [[LordOfTheRings Merry, Pippin,]] [[{{Transformers}} Bumblebee,]] all of them!
* "And now they're visited by Porkins the White."
* "It's a trap!" "This is no time to quote tired Internet memes, sir!"
* "Fifty thousand, no less." "What, do I look like I'm made of money?" "No, you look like you're made of expired Crisco!" "WHO SAID THAT?!"
* On the famous Leia gold bikini:
-->"There it is, the outfit that singlehandedly makes Comic Con bearable."
-->"And occasionally much, much worse."
-->[[CrossPlaying "You saw that guy too, huh?"]]
[[AC:The Star Wars Holiday Special]]
* During the intro:
-->'''Announcer:''' Introducing Chewbacca's family!
-->'''Mike:''' [[NightmareFuel And many a scream yourself awake nightmare!]]
* When Malla contacts Luke Skywalker:
-->'''Luke:''' Oh, look, R2, it's Chewbacca's family.
-->'''Mike:''' What I meant to say is, "'''''RUN''''', it's Chewbacca's family!"
* During the scene where Lumpy watches a [[BuffySpeak holographic circus thing]] with obnoxious music in the background, every riff is a CrowningMomentOfFunny:
-->''(Mike, Bill and Kevin all scream in terror when the first acrobat appears.)''
-->'''Bill:''' Well, it was inevitable. [[BrainBleach Someday I knew the moment would come when I had to gouge my own eyes out.]] This is it!
-->'''Mike:''' No! Bill, stay your hand! There'll be plenty of ''other'' moments coming up. Be a shame to let ''those'' go to waste.
-->'''Bill:''' Good point.
-->(Mike laughs in amazement at the acrobats.)
-->'''Bill:''' ''(sarcastic)'' Wookies ''love'' this.
-->'''Kevin:''' Like his single leather boot there. ''(pause)'' This is the very same scene that is playing on a ''constant'' loop in Ryan Seacrest's brain. ''({{beat}})'' Explains the smile, y'know.
-->''(The lead acrobat vanishes and reappears life size next to Lumpy playing some DrSeuss-like trumpet.)''
-->'''Mike:''' Elton John would give ''everything he owned'' if this were only a real device.
-->''(The acrobats swing into full steam on the table.)''
-->'''Bill:''' Even Rip Taylor thinks this goes way overboard on the camp.
-->'''Kevin:''' Oh, no, are we going to find out why they call him "Lumpy"?
-->'''Bill:''' [[SanitySlippage Music to go]] ''[[SanitySlippage mad]]'' [[SanitySlippage by!]]
-->'''Mike:''' ''(on the lead acrobat)'' I'd ''love'' to have been there the day this guy told the all other Keebler Elves what he ''really'' wanted to do with his life.
-->'''Bill:''' "No, seriously?!"... ''(a few seconds pass)'' Circe du Suck... oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill me, because I really don't think I could take another second of this, guys.
-->'''Kevin:''' If I watch any more of this, am I gonna get a letter in the mail informing me that I'm now legally gay?
-->'''Bill:''' ...''yes.''
-->'''Mike:''' You know, it might be a funny joke if you played this music if you knew someone was going to ask for your hand in marriage. "Rebecca, my dearest love, would you WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE WEEDEE WEEDEE-wee-wow!"
-->'''Bill:''' [[CaptainObvious Kinda kill the moment.]] ''(a few seconds pass)'' I hate to say it, 'cause I know this is on the up-and-up, but... it all seems kinda weird.
-->'''Kevin:''' Ah! Ah, good, the bright fuschia fish acrobats are here! It wouldn't be a Life Day without 'em!
-->'''Bill:''' No sirree.
-->'''Mike:''' ''(exasperated by the lead acrobat)'' Look, would you and Bryce please move to Palm Springs, buy matching Speedos and get jobs in retail and just ''leave us alone?!''
-->'''Bill:''' ''(noticing Lumpy's avid grin)'' There's murder in his eyes! I like where this is headed!
-->'''Kevin:''' ''(as the lead acrobat)'' And that was the introduction, folks! Now let's get on with the show!
-->'''Mike:''' ''(as Malla)'' Would you turn off that stupid video game?!
-->'''Bill:''' ''(as Lumpy)'' It's not a video game, Mom. It's a video game ''system''!
* During the first scene with Chewbacca's family, Bill gets the most obvious joke out of the way:
-->'''Bill:''' Well, terrifying thought, but I'm charging ahead with it anyway: If you're a [[FurryFandom furry]], and you're watching this right now. are you turned on?
-->'''Kevin:''' ([[BrainBleach horrified]]) Ohh! Can I be excused to have a good cry?
-->'''Mike:''' Stay ''right'' where you are, Murphy!
* While watching the...ahem, "cooking show":
-->'''Mike''': You know, sure, this makes me wanna drive a masonry chisel into my kneecap, but on the bright side, [[TakeThat at least it's not Rachael Ray]].
** And later:
--->'''Mike''': Uh, you sure this aired during the ''family'' hour? Far more stirring and whipping than the FCC likes to see before ten...
* When Stormtroopers show up at the Wookiees' home:
-->'''Mike:''' (as Itchy) Don't worry, son, [[ImperialStormtrooperMarksmanshipAcademy they can't shoot straight, and they're easy to kill!]]
* Mike [[{{Mondegreen}} misinterprets the lyrics]] to Jefferson Starship's song:
-->'''Jefferson Starship:''' ''Will you light the sky on fire?''
-->'''Mike:''' Will I light this guy on fire? No, sir, I will not!
** Bill insisting that Mike light the sky and/or that guy on fire already, in order to shut the band up.
** Turns into a BrickJoke during the Wookiee gathering near the end.
-->'''Bill:''' This is it, Mike! They're finally ready to light this guy on fire!
* This exchange:
-->'''Kevin:''' So after this aired, the deep shame and mockery from the ordeal forced GeorgeLucas underground and his creation ''StarWars'' was never heard from again, right?
-->'''Mike:''' Uh, actually, it went on to shatter records for money made (''breaking sound is heard''), and it has more devotees than many major religions.
-->'''Bill:''' Ooh, Mike, that inconsistency caused a logical [[OurWormholesAreDifferent wormhole]] that broke Kevin's mic!
* During one commercial bumper:
-->'''Announcer:''' The Star Wars Holiday Special will continue in a moment!
-->'''Bill:''' Despite the growing number of protesters outside our office!
* This little addition to Princess Leia's song:
-->'''Leia:''' ''That one day we'll be free…''
-->'''Mike:''' (as Leia) "To [[TheEmpireStrikesBack mouth-kiss]] [[BrotherSisterIncest our siblings]] with impunity!"
* During the obligatory commercial for Star Wars toys:
--> '''C-3PO:''' ''Star Wars'' - you and your children loved it!
--> '''Bill:''' Then tonight happened.
* When Ackmina is trying to get her customers to leave.
-->'''Ackmina:''' Aren't you listening to what I'm saying? The Empire has SHUT US DOWN! You've got to GO now!
-->'''Bill:''' '''[[TheGoldenGirls THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND!]]'''
* During a CBS newsbreak:
--> '''Bill:''' This just in: Christmas has been cancelled due to sadness caused by The Star Wars Holiday Special.
* Mike: "[[AllYourBaseAreBelongToUs All your base are belong to Lumpy.]]"
* After Mala first expresses concern for her husband's safety:
-->'''Bill:''' (as Itchy) There, there. If he's dead, we can still celebrate Life Day. We'll just call it ''Death'' Day! And instead of eating turkey and opening presents, we can bury his body before it rots.
* When Han tricks a Stormtrooper into a RailingKill.
-->'''Bill:''' This moment brought to you by the WilhelmScream.
* When the first commercial appears.
-->'''Kevin:''' ''(on seeing Willie Rawles, GE employee)'' ...Wuh-wait? Is that Darth out of uniform?
* The Fruit of the Loom commercial:
-->'''Mike:''' ''(as lady)'' What the hell are you, ''tobacco''?!
* The glorious thing about the Riffed holiday special is that the video was taken directly from the tv broadcast (as it was never released on DVD) so there are plenty of 70s commercials the guys provide hysterical commentary for.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Transformers]]
[[AC: Transformers]]
* When the [[FanNickname Popeye robot]] is after Sam:
--> '''Sam''': He's gonna kill me!
--> The robot pulls his pants down
--> '''Kevin''': [[BlackComedyRape I think he has something else in mind..]]
* When the Sector 7 cars pull up outside the Witwicky residence and [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivfvoqBiG04 the various agents pile out]]...
-->'''Kevin''': [[Film/TheMatrix Mr. Anderson]]...
-->'''Bill''': ...Mr. Anderson...
-->'''Mike''': ...'''MR.''' Anderson...
-->'''Bill''': ...Mr. ''Anderson''...
-->'''Kevin''': ...MIS-TER Anderson...
* When the various character groups meet up at the Hoover Dam:
--> '''Tom Banachek''': Son, listen to me very carefully. People could die here.
--> '''Mike''': If we really put our minds to it, people could die here.
* The Decepticon role call turned into something out of Thomas the Tank Engine.
[[AC: Revenge of the Fallen]]
* The first thing out of 'Sam's mouth after meeting the Primes and returning to life:
-->"God is a bunch of robots!"
* Bumblebee's reaction upon seeing Sam apparently die.
--> "I'm free! I'm finally free!"
* '''Bill''' General Motors would like to remind its many former employees not to think about how much all the product placement cost.
* On the appearance of [[TheScrappy the twins]].
-->'''Mike''': Oh good; twin mechanical Jar Jars.
-->'''Mudflap''': That hurt, man.
-->'''Skids''': It's supposed to hurt. It's an ass-kickin'.
-->'''Mike''': I believe that was actually the movie poster tagline for Transformers 2.
* When a poster for ''Bad Boys II'' appears on screen.
-->'''Bill''': The movie Transformers 2 would like to take this moment to remind you Michael Bay sucked 14 years ago too. We now return you to your noisy mayhem.
* During the opening:
-->'''Optimus Prime''': ...a species much like our own: capable of great compassion...
-->'''Bill''': Hey take that back [[HypocriticalHumor or I'll kill you!]]
* ''Everybody Shea!''
** Wawawawabubububububbababababababa!
** Nonononononon!
* "And now Patrick Star appears and unwraps a Krabby Patty of whoopass."
[[AC:Dark of the Moon]]
* Mike's gotten the hang of naming Transformers.
-->'''Mike''': "Arise, Decepticons! [[LukeNounverber Starchunk]]! [[ToiletHumor Thunderbucket]]! [[DopeSlap Slaptimus]]! [[{{Alien}} Bughunt]]! [[NinjaPirateZombieRobot Snaketocopter]]! And Mortimer W. Clankitybritches!"
* On Ken Jeong's bowtie-sporting character:
-->'''Mike''': If the Georges "Will" and "Takei" had a baby.
* On Starscream's death:
-->'''Sam:''' Well, he's dead.
-->'''Rifftrax:''' That would be my eulogy if I was asked to speak at Michael Bay's funeral.
* This exchange:
--> '''Shia Labeouf''': WOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHH!!!
--> '''Bill''': What's that Shia?
--> '''Shia Labeouf''': WAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
--> '''Bill''': Oh, I see!
--> '''Shia Labeouf''': WWWWOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!
--> '''Bill''': The career of Shia Labeouf summed up in five seconds, everyone.
[[/folder]]
[[folder: The Twilight Saga]]
[[AC:Twilight]]
* Right off the bat, they start arguing about vampire [[PerfectlyCromulentWord sparkliness]]:
-->'''Mike''': Thank you, and welcome once again to ''Podcast/RiffTrax'', where I am joined by Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy.
-->'''Bill''': Thank you, Mike. And may I say how happy I am that our movie, ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'', is finally telling the world something I've been saying for years: that vampires are sparkly! Ho-ho-ho, the world laughed at me and my quoteunquote "crazy ideas about vampire sparkliness", but maybe now that the truth is out, I'll get an apology! ''Kevin''.
-->'''Kevin''': I-I-I never denied their ''sparkliness'', ''Bill'', we just happen to disagree ''very'', ''very'' strongly about whether that sparkliness is a full-body sparkliness, huh? Is it sparkly between their toes? Sparkly on the bottom of their feet? Are their ''inner thighs'' sparkly? [[SeriousBusiness These are important questions, and I don't think Twilight has settled them]].
-->'''Bill''': Oh, you had to bring up the sparkly thigh thing, didn't you? When you know that it all hinges on the buttcheeks! Frankly, sir, your views on this are well outside the norm in the vampire sparkliness research community.
-->'''Kevin''': ''(gasps)'' How ''dare'' you, sir?!
-->'''Bill''': I dare!
-->'''Kevin''': My contributions to the vampire buttcheeks sparkliness research are ''renowned'', and I'll not have your slander, shame on you, sir!
-->'''Bill''': No, shame on ''you''!
-->'''Kevin''': No, shame on-!
-->'''Mike''': Okay, o-okay, okay.
* Just before the opening credits:
-->'''Bella''': And...this will be a good thing...\\
'''Mike''': ...like Hot Topic!\\
'''Bella''': ...I think.\\
'''Mike''': But what do I know? [[MarySue I'm just your typically abnormally confident, world-weary 16-year-old female protagonist, teehee!]]
* "Yeah, that's the new girl; she'll fit ''[[SarcasmMode right in]]'' driving [[SanfordAndSon Fred Sanford's truck]]!
* In the cafeteria:
-->'''Girl''': ...[[ItMakesSenseInContext we're talking Olympic sized]]!
-->'''Mike''': High school girls discussing ''[[BiggusDickus wang sizes]]''; [[DespairEventHorizon we've officially hit rock bottom, gentlemen]].
-->'''Kevin''': Shh, shh, shh! I'm trying to hear about the wang sizes!
* "'''''Llllllllllllllllllllllladies?'''''"
** "Lllllllladies." "Bill, those are guys." "Oh, well, dudes that look like llllllladies."
* "[[PunctuatedForEmphasis THIS! IS! Forks High School, home of the SPARTAns!]]"
* "The silver screen cannot contain the [[BlatantLies heated passion]] of ''Literature/{{Twilight}}!''
* "It's hard to look {{Badass}} posing next to a Volvo."
--->'''Edward''': No one will believe you!
--->'''Mike''': ...quoting directly from [[AC:The Abusive Guy's Handbook]] there.
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SE0fknMFFXg&feature=related Kevin's version]] of Edward's song to Bella.
--> '''Kevin:''' This is a ballad that I wrote just for you... ''I want to chomp into your throat''\\
''And watch you bleed out on the floor''\\
''Then I'll bathe myself in your life essence as you die''\\
''Tear your heart out of your chest''\\
''And crack the bones and suck the marrow out''\\
''Slice into your brain for sandwiches''\\
''And maybe have an omelette made of...''\\
'''Mike:''' Okay, thank you Kevin, very nice.\\
'''Kevin:''' I have more!\\
'''Bill:''' Well, sure you do, oh what a shame! The song's over!\\
* "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" [[RunningGag "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?"]] [[OverlyLongGag "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?"]]
* "It's ''fun'' being eternally damned!"
* When Edward reveals his nature to Bella for the first time:
-->'''Edward''': Say it...\\
'''Kevin''': Alright, you're a total homo!\\
'''Bill''': That's not what I meant!\\
'''Edward''': ''Out loud...''\\
'''Mike''': Okay, you're a thorough-going douche...\\
'''Bill''': No! You're not doing it right!\\
'''Mike''': A tool?\\
'''Bill''': NO!\\
'''Bella''': Vampire...\\
'''Kevin''': Close; I'm a ''metro''pire!\\
'''Edward''': Are you afraid?\\
'''Mike''': Seriously...[[DullSurprise I don't know what emotion you're going for, because you always just look nauseous]]...
* Bella is visiting the Cullens
-->'''Mike''': You like Legos? Cause I got tons of Legos ''(sic)'', I got Lego StarWars, and Power Miners, I got like a bajillion [[{{Bionicle}} Beeonicles]] ''(sic)'' too...
* "Vampires keep themselves [[WireFu harnessed to the ceilings at all times]] in case a production of ''PeterPan'' breaks out."
** "[[BrickJoke Is there a production of]] ''PeterPan''? Because ''we're'' ready!"
* "She was coached by Shia [=LeBeouf=] for this scene."
* The scene where Edward's snuck into Bella's bedroom: "What was our math homework?"
* Cafeteria scene:
--> '''Bella:''' You know, your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash.
--> '''Mike:''' And that apple you bounced off your foot is giving me hookworm.
* After Edward has saved Bella and kisses her in the hospital:
--> '''Mike:''' Aw, I-I'm weakening, guys. I mean suddenly feel very invested in their love. It's-It's my love, too. Them succeeding despite all odds means I succeed despite all odds. (Cut to a shot over a forest.) Look, beautiful trees, as-as beautiful as the love between Edward and Bella and me and their beauty and... ''[THUNK]'' Ow! ''You hit me with a phone book!''
--> '''Kevin:''' Yep.
* When Bella and Edward are practicing dancing:
-->'''Mike''': You mind if I slit my wrists right now, get ahead of the curve?\\
'''Bill''': Oh, any old time, Mike.\\
'''Kevin''': I'm surprised you haven't done it by ''now''!
* Mike, Bill, and Kevin worrying about the taxidermy animal in science room. (I'd say ItMakesSenseInContext, but...it doesn't.)
* "Typical night at JackNicholson's house, circa 1975."
* During the...well, rapidly changing scene:
-->'''Kevin''': I'm having [[ThisIsYourPremiseOnDrugs another acid flashback]], right?\\
'''Mike''': No, that's the movie.\\
'''Kevin''': So...you guys ''also'' see Jim Nabors riding a killer whale in space?\\
'''Mike''': No...\\
'''Bill''': Wish I did, though; that sounds great!
* Early scene mentioning the investigation into mysterious deaths.
---> '''Sheriff''': Well, another hiker got attacked by something in the woods.
---> '''Mike (as Sheriff)''': ... we think it was a bear because it sucked all the blood out of the corpse.
* Bill singing [[Series/TheBennyHillShow "Yakkity Sax"]] while Edward runs up the hill with Bella at superspeed.
[[AC:Twilight: New Moon]]
* As the movie opens...
-->'''Mike:''' And we're ba--\\
'''Bill:''' TEAM JACOB!\\
'''Mike:''' (disgruntled) COULD you please...?
* Bill's epic ClusterBleepBomb in the opening sequence.
-->'''Mike:''' What the hell? That's not a NEW moon, I've seen that dozens of times before! Jeez, son of a *bleep* BITCH, what the *bleep* kind of piece of *bleep* Teen Vampire bull*bleep* is this!??!
* Bella has a gift for Jacob:
--> '''Bella''': It's a little crazy...
--> '''Bill (as Bella)''': It's a statue of General Custer!
* This exchange:
--> '''Alice''': It's just a little...blood.
--> '''Mike (as Bella)''': Well it ''was'' a "little blood" until Edward flayed open my brachial artery.
* (To Bella) BOOOO! YOU SUCK! BOOOO!
* During the scene where Edward is walking through Italy to go ask the Volturi to kill him:
--> [[SaturdayNightFever "Ha, ha, ha, not stayin' alive, not stayin alive! Ha, ha, ha,]] [[NoIndoorVoice not stayin' ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!]]
* As Bella is being led away from the Volturi, passing by a group of tourists being led into their chamber. Screams are heard...
-->'''Bill''': Italian Police issued a statement today once again reiterating that, ''for the love of God'', tour groups should stop going into that Castle where all the other tour groups have been mysteriously murdered.
* Pretty much the entirety of the treatment the Volturi in terms of [[TheRockyHorrorPictureShow Frank n Furter]] esque moaning, mockery of their effeminate portrayal, and in particular their reactions to Michael Sheen whenever they are on screen. In particular this little line as Edward is about to ask them to kill him
-->'''Bill''': [[OmniscientCouncilOfVagueness The High Council of GAYness]] will see you now!
-->'''Mike and Kevin''': (effeminate groaning and moaning)
* Early on...
-->'''Edward''': (To Bella) This will be the last time you ever see me.
-->'''Mike, Bill, and Kevin''': (Triumphant cheering) Hooray! Yay!
* When Jacob first [[ShirtlessScene removes his shirt]]
-->'''Kevin''': Aaaaaannnd
-->'''All three''': Heeyo! Hey-hey-hey-babe! Aroooogah, aroogah! Hohoho!
-->'''Mike''': Mom, I didn't know you wanted to see New Moon!
-->'''Bill''': (effeminate voice): Quiet, dear, I'm trying to watch. Th-the story! The story.
** Subversely, upon Edward doffing his shirt:
---> '''Mike:''' And theaters full of shrieking teenagers learn the hard way that some things are better left to the imagination.
* The end, after a whole movie's worth of sending out mixed messages and crushing hearts:
-->'''Bella''': [to Jacob] I do love you.
-->'''Bill''': [incredulous] Sh-she ''does!?''
-->'''Mike''': [through laughter] She's not a stable girl.
* Used as a RunningGag, they keep trying to catch Bella actually making it through a sentence without a Shatnerian pause. Sometimes she actually manages what would count as a whole sentence only to continue the sentence after a long pause.
* Cliff-diving:
--> I regret not buying more shiiiiiiiiirts!\\
I regret not buying Bob more shiiiiiiiiiiiirts!\\
I regret being named Embryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!\\
Donate my torso to Abercrombie and Fiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!
* And when Bella goes cliff-diving:
--> Drowning: the only way she could get more pale and sad.
* During the beach scene, when Jacob is trying to revive Bella
--> '''Bill:''' So, you're really suggesting ''another'' film is anywhere near as iconic and love-filled as this one?
-->'''Kevin''': Well, ''yeah,'' I mean-
-->'''Bill''': WELL YOU AND ALL YOUR PETS SHOULD DIE!!!
[[AC:Twilight: Eclipse]]
-->'''Jacob''': She broke her hand...punching my face.
-->'''Kevin (As Charlie)''': Ugh, you guys went to see [[BrickJoke "Face Punch"]] again, didn't you?
* "Make as many mistakes as you can", the advice that inspired Creator/MNightShyamalan.
* Jasper flashbacking
-->'''Bella''':How do you know so much about this?
-->'''Mike''': Read the Twilight books, they blew.
-->'''Jasper''': I didn't have quite the same upbringing as my adopted siblings.
-->'''Bill''':[[SteveMartin I was born a poor black child]]
* Following an awkward conversation between Bella and Charlie.
-->'''Kevin (as Charlie)''': ...''[takes a swig from his beer]'' Work your dark magic, booze.
* Continuing the RunningGag from previous films, the guys continual irritation by Bella's inability to finish a...sentence, without pausing.
** Plus their horror at Charlie throwing in a random pause. "It's an epidemic!"
* ''[During Charlie's embarrassing marriage/sex talk with Bella]''
-->'''Bella:''' Oh my God, Dad! I'm a virgin.
-->'''Charlie:''' Daaah-d-d-duh, okay!
-->'''Kevin:''' ''[laughs]'' Dad had a [[{{Friends}} Chandler]] attack.
-->'''Bill:''' Could my daughter ''BE'' anymore of a virgin?!
* The other Running Gag of "Line?", especially when Bella is freezing in the mountains: "L-l-line?"
* [[RunningGag "Theeeres a pooooosibilityyyyyyyy"]] "Stop it!" "Come on man!"
* To the tune of "Dream Weaver," while Riley is sneaking through Bella's house:
--> '''Kevin:''' Whooooooa, dreeeeeeeamcatcher, I believe you can hang there and do nothing through the ni-hiiiiiiiiiight!
* Who's the bad guy?
--> '''Edward:''' It has to be the Volturi.
--> '''Bill:''' The Volturi: that's Chevy's new mid-sized sedan, right?
* Bella macks on Edward:
--> '''Kevin:''' Mmm...you taste like Clearasil and indecision!
* As Jacob keeps Bella warm through the night:
--> '''Edward:''' Could you at least attempt to control your thoughts?
--> '''Kevin:''' I'm tired of all the {{Glee}} spoilers!
* Any and all remarks in regards to Charlie's mustache.
** And on a related note, TEAM MUSTACHE DAD!
* A hilarious ShoutOut to TheRoom:
--> '''A vampire:''' Don't worry about it.
--> '''Bill:''' Oh hai, Twilight, I'm so glad you like saying 'don't worry about it' too.
* Even as she tries to clear things up, Bella continues to be the master of mixed messages.
-->'''Bella''': ''[to Edward]'' This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob.
-->'''Kevin''': Then what the hell was the point of the last two movies?!
-->'''Bella''': It was a choice between who I should be and who I am.
-->'''Mike''': ...What the holy hell does that ''mean?''
* After Rosalie finishes telling her story about being gang-raped, changed, and then killing her ex-fiance, Royce;
-->'''Bella''': So where's Royce now?
* The jokes about how KristenStewart always mutters her lines, occasionally rendering them almost incomprehensible
** "Opening my mouth to say lines is HARD!"
[[AC:Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt 1]]
* Before the riff was even released the trio did a [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HX_rKaeIMMw Rifftrax announcement]] of the impending riff, during which Bill leaves for a moment to pass a kidney stone just as Kevin and Mike start mocking the whole "Jacob imprints/falls in love with a baby" thing. When Bill returns holding the kidney stone in a glass jar, [[TakeThat Kevin "imprints" on it much to the other's disgust]]
* Bill singlehandedly making a RunningGag of Edward not being able to fart, until the other guys start thinking it's in the actual movie.
* "We here at Rifftrax would like to remind you that for the last three years, Bella and Jacob have been the two most popular baby names, so please, stop it."
* Priest: "Ladies and gentlemen we're gathered here today to witness the union of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan..." "Also my bible just burst into flames for some reason."
* Talking about how the book couldn't possibly be told in one film at any especially slow moment.
* "The elderly couple in ''WesternAnimation/{{Up}}'' had hotter sex than this!"
* On Sam Uley's wolf voice: "He sounds like Darth Vader trapped down a well."
* As Bella picks up a cell phone: "She tried to play Words With Friends but all she could come up with was 'Uhh?' and 'Edward!'."
* ''Everyone'' greets Jacob with "Sorry about [[http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/abduction_2011/ Abduction]]."
* "So a werewolf just fell in love with the monster baby that was ripped out of its mother's womb by the teeth of her vampire husband. Stephanie Meyer, get some help. You're very, very sick and deranged, you need to be hospitalized now."
-->What? In dog years, she's like 14 hours!
* Mike & Bill's "super gay Volturi voices".
* "Oh for the love of god, do something, you apprehensive, brain damaged...mouse-haired...sea cucumber!"
* This insight into Meyer's writing:
--> '''Carlisle''': We didn't think it (Bella's pregnancy) was even possible.
--> '''Bill''': [[TakeThat It's like someone's]] [[WritingByTheSeatOfYourPants making up the rules as she goes.]]
* "Go ahead, tell me what big teeth I have, everybody does!"
* During Bella's nightmare about her wedding day, where her human family and friends are all dead...
--->''[Bella raises her hand from her dress, and notices it's blood-stained]''
--->'''Mike:''' ''[as Bella]'' "Oh, today of ''all'' days!"
* As Bella is shaving her legs during one of the pointless montages: "Somewhere the most disturbed man in the universe is saying 'That's not the razor Bella would use'".
* When Bella calls Edward and tells him she thinks she might be pregnant:
-->'''Bill (As Edward, thinking):''' Don't. Eat. Baby.
* During the wedding, as Bella walks down the aisle—outside, in broad daylight:
-->'''Bill:''' Wait, [[FridgeLogic shouldn't the groom and, like, half of the guests be sparkling right now]]?
-->'''Mike:''' So, now you're mad when the vampires ''don't'' sparkle''!?''
-->'''Bill:''' (''frustrated'') I don't—I don't know! ''I don't what I want anymore!''
[[/folder]]
----
----
[[foldercontrol]]
[[folder:Batman]]
[[AC:Film/BatmanForever]]
* This one's notable for being done not by the usual group, but by [[ThatGuyWithTheGlasses Doug Walker]], his brother Rob, and Brian Hines, with plenty of good lines including the following:
* "Everytime I meet a guy, he's either gay or Batman." "Sometimes both!"
* "Harvey, you need help." "Yes, listen to the man in the Bat suit."
** Doubles as a ShoutOut to The Critic's review of ''Film/BatmanAndRobin''.
* "Why is no one undressing Comissioner Gordon with their eyes?"
--> '''Later:''' "[[BrickJoke I wonder what Commissioner Gordon is wearing right now...]]" [[COTTON CANDY!!]]
* "How do you sneak ''acid'' into a court house?" "And isn't it a conflict of interest to have Batman on the jury?"
* "Ronita, Roberto, and Robespierre" "And I'm Dick!"
* "I'm Batman!" [[IAmSpartacus "I'm Batman!" "I'm Batman!"]] [[Film/MontyPythonsLifeOfBrian "I'm Batman, and so's my wife!"]]
* "In honor of the Graysons, send in the clowns..." (scene changes to outside Wayne Manor) "...Aaand a horse humping a rock. Way to ruin the moment, thank you Joel Schumacher."
* ''[After Batman is buried under a pile of sand]'' And to add insult to injury, Catwoman will now take a dump on him.
* "Is this a robin?" "No, it's a helmet, you dumbass."
* "I shall be the Green Lightbulb!"
* This:
-->'''Two-Face''': "Heads, we accept, and tails, we blow your damn head off!" (''throws coin into the air'')
-->'''Doug, Rob & Brian''': '''''"TAILS! TAILS! TAILS!"'''''
* "[[Series/MysteryScienceTheater3000 Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank]], they're not."
* "Oh God, they're not even trying anymore." "Even the [[TheMuppetShow Electric Mayhem]] wasn't ''this'' electric." "Looks like board game night at Elton John's house."
* "Tell me your fantasies." "Oh. Oh, that's just nasty." "Tell me your secrets." "Oh, ew, [[NoodleImplements with a kumquat?]]"
* "I'm going to tell her... everything." "Even the sex change." "What?" "Nothing!"
* "Which one should I steal? Adam West, Michael Keaton... Clooney? What the...?"
* "Wayne Manor..." "...he killed ''how many'' prostitutes this time?"
* "Trick or treat!" "I'll unleash the hounds."
* "This is the douchiest way to do your laundry ever."
* "Mom, why are we walking through DavidLynch's brain? It's so foggy and scary and empty in here!"
** "Hey, look, the first Batman movie is on!" "Have you ever frolicked with a fox in a flickering fire? ...no, wait, that's terrible; wait there, kid, I got a couple more I want to try..."
* "It's happening again..." "I'll have Alfred get the rubber pants."
* ''[in a campy, lisping voice]'' Hi! This is Joel Schumacher. Allow me to explain this sudden change in style, location, and lighting.... I'm a bad director. The explanation is over.
* (On the Riddler's light-up suit) "Guess where he hid the battery."
* (In response to a close-up of a very... unfortunate... place...)"Why is there a zipper there?!"
* ''(After Batman enters Riddler's very cheesy lair)'' Ugh... I miss the Joker.
* "Hey, it's TwoAndAHalfMen."
* "Edward Nigma has been screaming for hours that he knows the true identity of Batman." "Who is this 'Adam West' he speaks of?"
* [[HoYay "Uh... are they holding hands?]] "There's nothing ambiguous about it anymore..."
* "Tommy Lee Jones ''IS'' Billy Dee Williams ''IN'' the role Aaron Eckhardt made famous!"
* "I think Commissoner Gordon has entered his second childhood." "Hee hee hee, hahaha! I WANT COTTON CANDY! I WANT A CANDY APPLE! BRUCE, GET ME SOME COTTON CANDY!"
** WHERE'S MY COTTON CANDY?!?!?!?!
* The RunningGag about the DawsonCasting of Dick. "I'm 15, really" "Oh God, I'm an orphan. A 28-year-old orphan" "I wish I was never legally made your ward at the age of 34"
* "I gotta save that booty, and Dr. Meridian."
* "HI! I'M YOUR DESTINY!"
[[AC:Batman And Robin]]
* A choice selection can be found [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqLaBO5IcjA here]]. But for specifics...
-->'''Mr. Freeze''': I hate it when people talk during the movie!
-->'''Bill''': Uh, hey guys, can he hear us?
-->'''Mike''': Could be worse...[[Series/MysteryScienceTheater3000 he used to be able to see us, too.]]
-->'''Bill''': Good point.
** I'm GeorgeClooney and I'm...sorry.
-->'''Robin''': I want a car!
-->'''Mike''': I gave you a bus pass; wasn't that good enough?
-->'''Robin''': [[CallBack Chicks dig the car!]]
-->'''Batman''': This is why Superman works alone.
-->'''Bill''': Actually it's because of his crippling Asperger's Syndrome.
** "Sorry we didn't get there in time to prevent the murder of thousands, Commissioner Gordon! We were waiting for the car to slowly spiral out of the floor!"
** "The ice-man cometh!" "The audience goeth!"
** "So where did [Mr. Freeze] get [[{{Mook}} these guys]], anyway? Was there an ad that said, [[AC:"WANTED: THUGS. Must Be Skilled in Hockey and Stunt Skating. Obedience Required -- Enthusiasm A Plus!"]]?
-->'''Mike''': ''(during the opening LockAndLoadMontage)'' You didn't accidentally rent ''Butt-Man & Robin'', did you?
-->'''Kevin''': Come on, Mike; I wouldn't make that mistake a third time!
** [[MishmashMuseum And thus ends the Greek artifact / dinosaur / big freaking diamond exhibit]].
-->'''Poison Ivy''': First...I'll rid myself of the fur and feathered pests...
-->'''Bill''': She's gonna bomb [[AcceptableLifestyleTargets AnthroCon]]?
**
-->'''MadScientist''': I have created viaducts into the most primitive part of his brain --
-->'''Mike''': The gonads!
** "[[Series/MythBusters PHYS]][[LetsPlay/SonicTheHedgehog2006 ICS!]]"
--> '''Poison Ivy:''' I am Nature’s arm! Her spirit! *crash* Her will! *crash*
--> '''Bill:''' Her PMS!
* About Mr. Freeze's pointy-mobile:
-->'''Kevin''': It looks like a [[Series/DoctorWho Dalek]] that went to Hot Topic.
* (Frozen phonebooth) "NO! Not [[Series/DoctorWho the TARDIS]]!!!
* Don't forget this little exchange:
--> '''Kevin''': Okay, spiky gloves?
--> '''Bill''': Check.
--> '''Kevin''': [[CombatStilettos Impractical heels]]?
--> '''Bill''': Check.
--> '''Kevin''': ''Gorgeous'' ass?
--> '''Bill''': Check.
--> '''Kevin''': And of course, the rubber nipp--''hey''!
--> '''Bill''': ''Booo...''DoubleStandard!
* "Quick Robin, he's heading into [[TheChroniclesofNarnia Narnia!]]" "[[ThisIsYourPremiseOnDrugs We're seeing the clouds of cocaine that fueled the script-writing session behind this movie.]]"
* "Bat Skates, Bat Bombs, what's next, [[Series/{{Batman}} Shark Repellant]]?"
* Also, this bit:
--> '''Bruce''': Is it always my way or the highway?
--> '''Alfred''': Why yes, actually.
--> '''Bill''': PWNED!
--> '''Mike''': Uh, actually, you don't pronounce the P, it's just "Owned".
--> '''Bill''': ...And how do you know that, Mike?
--> '''Mike''': I-I was guessing...
--> '''Bill''': Yeah right! NERD! (laughs) PWNED!
--> '''Mike''': Okay, now you're just doing that on purpose!
* "Uh oh, they're gonna start humping the aquarium..."
* At the auction:
--> '''Poison Ivy:''' Some lucky boy's about to hit the honeypot.
-->'''Bill:''' [[WinnieThePooh Oh bother!]]
* [[Series/MysteryScienceTheater3000 "Yes! Now to fulfill my lifelong dream of shooting a man into space and forcing him to watch really bad movies!"]]
-->'''Kevin''': ''(as the rocket smashes through the museum's skylight)'' [[WillyWonkaAndTheChocolateFactory If you want to view paradise~]]
* We simply can't forget this little [[WebAnimation/HomestarRunner homage]] after Bane is first created: "Now we'll put boxing gloves on his hands, sit him in front of a computer and force him to answer emails!"
[[AC: Film/TheDarkKnight]]
* ''(Alfred enters a shipping crate to get to the new Batman lair)''
-->'''Kevin''': ''(as Alfred)'' Mr. Nolte, your morning litre of drug store vodka sir.
-->'''Mike:''' ''(as Nick Nolte, in a deep gravely voice)'' Just put it next to my early morning litre of drug store vodka...
-->'''Kevin:''' ''(as Alfred)'' The empty one sir?
-->'''Mike:''' ''(as Nolte)'' Yeah, you got it.
-->'''Bill:''' Nick Nolte sounds like Batman!
-->''(Mike and Kevin laugh)''
-->'''Mike:''' .... You don't think?...
-->''(all gasp)''
* [[RunningGag Jokes]] made at the expense of Aaron Eckhart's "chin ass."
--> "His chin ass is obscene!"
--> "Bet his chin butt raises food safety issues."
--> "His hatchet-jaw easily cuts through the thickest crowds."
* During Batman's Hong Kong mission: [[Film/DieHard "A hostage situation has developed at Nakatomi Plaza."]]
* "Judge Grandma, serves brownies and justice piping hot."
* Bruce Wayne knocks out Harvey Dent:
--> '''Rachel''': What are you doing?
--> '''Bill''': [[HoYay He's mine, damn it]]!
* When Bruce Wayne encounters one of [[SelfDemonstrating/TheJoker Joker's]] thugs:
--> '''Joker Mook''': Hands up, pretty boy!
--> '''Bill''' (as Bruce takes down the {{Mook}}): [[PunctuatedPounding Don't]] '''[[PunctuatedPounding hate]]''' [[PunctuatedPounding me because I'm]] '''[[PunctuatedPounding beautiful]]'''!
* "Then you're gonna love me... people say I have a puckish sense of feistiness that's irresistible."
* Bill's overjoyed exclamation of [[PrinceOfSpace Krankor!]] when the Joker's sarcastic laughter interrupts the mob meeting.
* From Batman's interrogation of Maroni:
--> '''Batman''': [[LargeHam "SOMEONE KNOWS WHERE HE IS!"]]
--> '''Bill''': "RAWR!"
* When Harvey claims to be Batman:
--> '''Kevin''': "Don't act so surprised, after all that ''was'' part of his campaign slogan."
--> '''Mike''': "And what did you think the 'B' in Harvey B. Dent stood for? Milhouse?"
* During the street chase:
--> "What the hell is that?"
--> "It's a windshield, Bob!"
--> As the Tumbler smashes through a wall: "OH YEAH!"
* The RT crew chuckling during Batman's "WHERE ARE THEY!?" screams as they literally feel the effects of {{narm}}. Results in a running gag throughout the rest of the commentary.
--> "You ever wonder if Batman ever gets lost on the road and has to ask On-Star 'WHERE ARE THEY!?'"
--> When Harvey Dent wakes up in the warehouse: "I wonder if he's thinking 'WHERE AM I?'"
* "...and I won't kill you, because I liked [[ChristianBale you]] in ''Newsies''."
* The Joker explaining his madness:
--> '''Joker:''' Do you know why I use a knife?
--> '''Mike (as Joker):''' Because soup tastes better when it's difficult.
* When the Joker slides down that massive mountain of moolah:
--> '''Bill:''' He's the first [[DuckTales non-duck]] to amass enough wealth to do that.
* The annual Police vs. Firemen softball ends horribly again.
* When the title appears at the end, and the trio presumes the movie was filmed backwards, wondering [[Creator/ChristopherNolan what kind of crazy director would]] [[Film/{{Memento}} film their movie backwards]]...
* The Movie Referee.
--> '''Harvey''': "...You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain."
--> [Whistle!]
--> '''Bill''': "Foreshadowing penalty; clumsy sentence; seating plot point; makes no sense; fifteen yards; repeat third down."
* During the scene with Rachel and Harvey tied up.
-->''(Close up on the bomb countdown.))''
--> '''Rachel''': "Harvey, calm down."
--> ''Will counting down from forty help?"
** Also:
--> '''Rachel:''' Can anybody hear me?!\\
'''Kevin:''' For the last time, NO!
* "During the scene on the ferries:
--> '''Passenger (a woman with dreadlocks):''' Go ahead, do it!\\
'''Mike:''' Ms. Cleo commands you!
* The Joker presents his ultimatum to the mob:
--> '''Gambol:''' "You're crazy!"
--> '''The Joker:''' "No I'm not. No I'm ''not.''"
--> '''Kevin:''' "Well, I'm convinced!"
* As the Joker walks away from the exploding hospital
--> '''Bill:''' "Single-payer healthcare; day one."
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Harry Potter]]
[[AC:General]]
* The Harry Potter series as a whole has a ''long'' RunningGag of referring to Hogwarts as a Satan-worshipping DeathTrap, given all the accidents, attacks, teachers being evil, etc.
[[AC:Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone]]
* After Hagrid breaks down the door
-->'''Bill''': [[Film/{{Spider-Man}} Bonesaw]] is ready....to be the father you never had
* "His jammies show that he means business."
* "And standing in for Dumbledore is the embalmed corpse of Dumbledore."
* "Now shut up and kiss me." Made even funnier by Bill's pitch-perfect Alan Rickman impersonation.
* "[[SomewhereSong Somewhere out there,]] [[AnAmericanTail beneath the paaaale moonliiiight...]]"
* After Hermione cast a full body-bind curse on Neville
-->"Anyone else want to be a hero?"
* '''Mike:''' [[Music/PinkFloyd WE DON'T NEED NO wizard EDUCATION!]]
* Upon meeting Hagrid:
--> '''Harry:''' Excuse me...
--> '''Bill:''' Could you please kill these horrible people?
* '''Bill:''' [[TrollTwo Gringotts spelled backwards is "Sttognirg"!]]
* The first Quidditch match:
--> '''Kevin:''' On my signal, untether Purgatory!
* When [=McGonagall=] turns from cat to human in the classroom:
--> '''Mike:''' ''Mrowr''ning, class!
* "Join us, son... join ussss..."
* Draco summoning his broomstick:
--> '''Mike:''' Sieg heil--I mean, up!
* '''Quirrell:''' TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!\\
'''Kevin:''' [[DeepPurple Troll in the dungeon and pumpkins in the sky!]]\\
'''Mike:''' More like "gin in the teacher."
* During the life-size wizard chess game:
--> '''Ron:''' The queen will take me.
--> '''Bill:''' A phrase uttered nightly by GeorgeMichael.
* During the FingerPokeOfDoom scene:
--> '''Kevin:''' (as Voldemort's face) "What's going on? Are we winning? What's that smell?"
* When Hermione is moping in the restroom
--> '''Bill:''' It's never a good sign when you leave the stall crying.
[[AC:Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets]]
* "Bet you can't guess how drunk we are!"
* "Ron! Fred! George!" [[Music/TheBeatles "Ringo!"]]
* When Harry is escaping from the window
-->'''Mike (as Uncle Vernon)''': * ''gasp''* Bacon sandwiches, is that you?
-->...
-->'''Mike''': Pork where you are, in the name of gravy!
--> '''Kevin:''' ''(falling out the window)'' Tell sausage I love iiiiiit!
* On Gilderoy Lockhart's introduction:
--> '''Mike''': Yes, treat your family and friends to the flavor of traditional [[LargeHam Northern Irish ham]].
* "[[CharlottesWeb Charlotte's]] funeral service just let out."
* Upon finding Mrs. Norris petrified:
--> '''Filch''': You've murdered my cat.
--> '''Mike''': You shall become my new cat.
* (on Harry speaking parseltongue) "I believe that translates to "[[{{Eegah}} Watch out]] [[RunningGag for snakes]]."
* The disclaimers about Quidditch:
--> '''Mike:''' Quidditch: it's like the WNBA divided by curling!
--> '''Kevin:''' Quidditch: it's what your wife sees when you make her watch baseball!
--> '''Bill:''' Quidditch: there's actually videos of people trying to play it on Youtube!
--> '''Bill:''' Quidditch: take NASCAR, subtract the drunks, sunburn, and Confederate flags, but yet still somehow make it much, ''much'' worse.
* (of Malfoy) "Boy, is my face punchable!"
* When Snape hurls Lockhart to the ground during the duel session:
-->'''Hermione''': Do you think he's all right?
-->'''Ron''': Who cares?
-->'''Mike''': I came for blood!
* Harry, Ron, and Hermione run into Harry's room to find everything messed up.
--> '''Mike''': (as Hedwig, perched nonchalantly on the nightstand) Okay, I did it. I was bored. Hoo.
* "Check, pleeease."
** "For God's sake, CHEEEEECK."
* "The JusticeLeague of Hogwarts answers the call!"
* As Harry flails wildly with his sword during the battle with the basilisk.
-->'''Mike''': (laughs) Nice sword work, Harry. Skip fencing, too, I see.
-->'''Kevin''': Oh no, he went, but his instructor was MrBean.
* As Harry stabs the [[SoulJar diary Horcrux]]:
--> '''Kevin''': (as Tom Riddle) Ooh, when I turned myself into a book, I never imagined for a moment that books could be damaged.
--> '''Bill''': I should have laminated myself!
* "[[TheKarateKid Sweep the leg,]] Draco."
* Any time any of the riffers mimic's Dumbledore's wheezing.
* Commentary on the general cruelty of the wizarding world, such as
--> [=McGonagall=]: "Today we will be transforming animals into water-goblets."
--> Kevin: "Why? Because we can! [[EvilLaugh Mwehehehehe!]]"
* On the enchanted diary:
--> Bill: "Buy the new bestseller by TomClancy, "Dangerous Fearful Danger." It will literally BLOW UP YOUR HOUSE!"
* Dumbledore: [Raspy] In the past few hours...
-->*WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE*
-->"Did he just die right there?"
* Dumbledore: "All exams have been canceled."
--> Bill: "Head out into the world as the uneducated rabble that you are, see if I give a tin-shilling. That's right, whoop it up. You RETARDS!"
* Harry opening the snake door with Parseltongue:
--> '''Mike:''' For God--you just said "Door the open!" Your snake is terrible!
--> '''Kevin:''' You know, we had a screen door just like this at our cabin, my mom must have told me a hundred times, "Don't slam the ''(makes Parseltongue sounds)''!"
* The endless round of applause that closes the film is taken to its logical conclusion: [[InferredHolocaust the whole hall has been cursed to applaud for eternity, or at least until their deaths.]]
* After Hermione freezes the pixies Lockhart let loose:
--> '''Neville:''' ''(hanging from the chandelier by the collar of his shirt)'' Why is it always me?
--> '''Mike:''' Biddle-ee-bink-dee-bink, boing! And now can we PLEASE HAVE A STORY?!
* Ron's curse:
--> '''Ron:''' Eat slugs!
--> '''Mike:''' Magic words: they're Latin except when they're not.
* About Moaning Myrtle:
--> '''Bill:''' It's Harry in a wig, isn't it?
* After the spider scene:
--> '''Harry:''' "Hagrid didn't open the Chamber of Secrets. He was innocent."
--> '''Mike:''' "We have the word of a hideously giant spider that tried to eat us and that's good enough for me."
* "I'm a faucet, I actually don't understand any language."
* '''Hagrid:''' "The owl carrying my release papers got all lost and confused..."
--> '''Bill:''' "Accidentally released a half-a-dozen unrepentent serial killers instead."
* After Malfoy calls Hermione a mudblood, which greatly upsets her, the crew repeatedly refers to her as "Muddy."
* As Harry and Ron escape the giant spiders in a magic car:
-->'''Kevin''' (in a very posh British accent): "The Dukes of Hazard: U.K. version."
-->'''Mike''' (the same) "With actual dukes!"
-->'''Bill'' (ditto) "About this time the Duke boys had got themselves into a mess-o-trouble."
[[AC:HarryPotterAndThePrisonerOfAzkaban]]
* "If you bring me flesh I will do your bidding."
* "Hermione casts the 'give Ron a boner' spell."
* Mike's Dementor song.
* The whole song scene, but especially Bill's riff on the toad at the end.
* '''Bill:''' ''[as a student]'' Aw, were going to have so much fun! Which classes are you taking- '''AAAH MY SOUL!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!'''
* The boggart scene.
--> '''Lupin''': Picture your grandmother's clothes, ''only'' her clothes.
--> '''Mike''': Now imagine them crumpled in the corner of my bedroom, hehehe.
* The truth comes out:
--> '''Hermione:''' ''(pointing at Lupin)'' He's a werewolf! That's why he's missing classes!
--> '''Mike:''' ''(as Lupin)'' Well, I'm a werewolf who smokes a ''lot'' of dope, and ''that's'' why I've been missing classes.
* When bowing to Buckbeak:
--> '''Hagrid:''' Nice and low...
--> '''Mike:''' OH GOD, not THAT low!
* After Hermione punches Malfoy:
--> '''Hermione:''' That felt good.
--> '''Ron:''' Not good: BRILLIANT!
--> '''Bill:''' [[SarcasmMode Yes, truly a masterful work of genius.]] Compared to you, Goethe was a moron. Next to your punching Malfoy in the nose, Bach's cello suites are like a small pool of vomit!
* '''Lupin:''' I've looked worse; believe me.\\
'''Mike:''' I don't; sorry.
* During a shot of Sirius in prison:
--> '''Kevin''' (as Sirius): I'm gonna get out of here, [[ActorAllusion change my name to Gordon,]] and ''[[Film/TheDarkKnightSaga commission!]]''
* Mike's mix of the Dementors and [[CharlieAndTheChocolateFactory Oompa-Loompas.]]
--> '''Mike''' (quietly and sinisterly): E-vil, E-vil, Learn to be E-vil, Evil is fun and Doompity-Doo...''
* While Harry is flying on Buckbeak: "Meanwhile, sitting at home in his underwear, surrounded by empty beer cans, the kid who played [[InheritanceCycle Eragon]] hurls a whisky bottle at his TV."
* Comments on the horrifically dangerous Quidditch match:
--> "Ah, so you need parent's permission to visit the local tea shop but Quidditch? The less parents know the better."
* Hagrid tosses Buckbeak a rat
--> '''Kevin''': Have a rat, Buckbeak!
--> '''Mike''': SCABBERS!!
* The entire scene with Sirius and Remus in the Shrieking Shack. The crew points out several times how over-the-top the acting is and at one point Sirius says "Hey, [[ChewingTheScenery leave some scenery for me to chew!"]]
* IF YOU SEE A FADED SIGN AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, IT'S JUST 15 MILES TO THE SHRIEKING SHACK!!
* When Harry, Ron, and Hermione are trying to ask Dumbledore to convince everyone that Sirius is innocent
--> '''Dumbledore''': But I'm sorry to say the word of three thirteen-year-old wizards will convince few others.
--> '''Mike''': Well, two and a HALF, actually. Mudblood. *clears throat*
[[AC:Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire]]
* When Cedric Diggory (played by Robert Pattinson) shows up the first time:
--> '''Mike''':"Ahh! [[Literature/{{Twilight}} Undead]]!"
--> '''Bill''':"Quick! Fall in love with it! Ahh!"
--> '''Kevin''':"Make that love codependent and brooding! Ahh!"
--> '''Mike''':"I'm very mumbly and pause-filled! Ahhhhhhhhhh!"
* ''[Moody transforms Draco into a ferret]''
--> '''Moody:''' I'll teach you to curse someone while their back is turned!
--> '''Mike:''' [[HypocriticalHumor By cursing you while]] ''[[HypocriticalHumor your]]'' [[HypocriticalHumor back is turned.]]
* After the ferret episode:
--> '''Malfoy''': "My father will hear of this!"
--> '''Kevin''': "Yeah, when he sees the headline "Douche Humiliated"."
* "CSI: Burwick-Upon-Tweed"
* Bill (as Dumbledore): "I will now fight the big lady to the death!"
* As Moaning Myrtle flirts shamelessly with a bathing Harry:
--> '''Harry''': "Myrtle..."
--> '''Bill''': "Why aren't you in Hell?"
* Bill: "The collective might of the Wizarding World is helpless against six bad guys."
* David Tenant appears on screen:
--> '''Kevin''': Hey, it's Doctor... Uh...
--> '''Mike''': Who.
--> '''Kevin''': I'm trying to remember, give me a second.
* Kevin's interpretation of Roger Lloyd Pack's appearance of Barty Crouch Sr. looking like Hitler and then proceeding to act as such.
---> '''Barty Crouch Sr.''': The rules are absolute
---> '''Kevin''': WE MUST ANNEX DAS SUDETENLAND!!!
---> '''Barty Crouch Sr.''': The Goblet of Fire constitutes a binding magical contract.
---> '''Kevin''': Like the Munich Agreement
---> '''Barty Crouch Sr.''': Mr. Potter has no choice! He is...as of tonight...
---> '''Kevin''': OUR NEW FUHRER!!!
* Cedric Diggory's memorial service
---> '''Dumbledore''': I think therefore you have the right to know how he died.
---> '''Mike''': Let's see, he was zapped by a fat, bucked-toothed man holding an evil baby.
* Alastor Moody's first Defense Against the Dark Art's Class
---> '''Alastor Moody''':YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP AGAINST, YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED...
---> '''Mike''': YOU NEED TO OVERACT, YOU NEED TO PUSH.THE LIMITS.OF HAMINESS!!!
** Also during that first class
---> '''Moody''': Any questions?
---> '''Bill''': Ahem. Yeah. [[SoundEffectsBleep BEEP]]ing [[InsaneClownPosse magnets, ]][[MemeticMutation how do they work?]]
* Before the second task
---> '''Bill''': Longbottom's transformation into Oscar Wilde is right on schedule.
---> '''Mike''': There's a schedule for that does it?
---> '''Bill''': Very rigorous.
* When Harry is having a nightmare (he's lying in bed, eyes closed, sweating and shifting):
---> '''Mike''': I get it, he's lonely! [[MistakenForMasturbating We don't need to see how he deals with it!]]
* During Moody's class on the Unforgivable Curses:
---> '''Moody''': Give us a curse.
---> '''Bill (as Ron)''': Uh...Sugartits?
* The OverlyLongGag about Cho and Harry's conversation at the Owlry concerning Cho's Chinese and Scottish Heritage that is, in essence, the BlackVikings trope PlayedForLaughs:
---> '''Kevin''': She's from the Highlands of China! Hard to eat haggis with chopsticks!
---> '''Bill''': Is your family tartan just solid red or...?
---> '''Cho''': I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
---> '''Bill''': Maybe if you repeat it through a bagpipe?
---> '''Harry''': I just wondered if you wanted to go to the ball with me?
---> '''Bill''': Ye see, I'm washin' mah kilt that night? You know, [[DontExplainTheJoke 'cause she's Scottish?]]
* This scene right after the Goblet is introduced
---> '''Mike''': (Cedric is shown) AH! Bloodsucker!
---> '''Mike''': (Mad-Eye Moody is shown) Ah! [[ChewingTheScenery Scenery-chewer!]]
---> '''Mike''': (Dumbledore is shown) Ah! [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Fez-wearer!]]
* Of Moody, "You need to OVERACT, you need to PUSH! THE LIMITS! OF HAMINESS!"
* The scene where Rita Skeeter is interviewing Harry.
---> '''Rita''': (after Harry insists he didn't enter his name) Right. Of course you didn't. *winks*
---> '''Bill (as Rita)''': Then how do you explain this entry form with your name misspelled in Voldemort's handwriting?!
* Seeing Voldebaby for the first time:
---> '''Bill''': BURP ME, DAMNIT!
* When a firework goes off
---> '''Bill''': My god, the explosion just killed two students!
---> '''Mike''': What House were they in?
---> '''Bill''': Ravenclaw!
---> '''Mike''': Eh, throw a tarp over 'em.
* Before the movie starts, the crew compares Richard Harris's performance of Dumbledore with [[TheOtherDarrin Michael Gambon's]].
---> '''Bill''': Yeah, they did a little Dumbledore upgrade. The last model sounded like this, Kevin?
---> '''Kevin''': (in a very dry, raspy voice) H.. Harry? Haaary Potter? Could you possibly spare any moisture? I'm feeling a bit dessicated at the moment.
---> '''Mike''': Right. And now he sounds like a drunken, bellowing Irishman. Bill?
---> '''Bill''': [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Jeez, Mike, so I had a little fun at your son's communion party.]] I replaced the window, I steamcleaned the couch, what else do... Oh, you're talking about Michael Gambon. Oh. Well the new Dumbledore sounds something like this. [[NoIndoorVoice Gryffindor! Hufflepuff! Parseltongue, Imperius, Horcrux, Animaaaaagus!]] Durmstrang Institute of Sorcery, Crookshanks and Blastended S-<Belch!>
[[AC:Harry Potter And The Order of the Phoenix]]
* '''Dumbledore:''' Albus... Percival... Wulfric... Brian... Dumbledore.
-->'''Kevin:''' The third... Esquire... Jr.......Mrs.
* ''[During Fudge's press interview]''
--> '''Fudge:''' The Ministry of Magic is pleased to announce the appointment of Dolores Jane Umbridge as High Inquisitor, to address the falling standards at Hogwarts School. Having already revolutionized the teaching of Defense Against the Dark Arts-
--> '''Bill:''' Yes, but what about the rumors of gas shortages?
--> '''Kevin:''' Mr. Minister do you have a comment on the wizard genocide in Africa?
--> '''Mike:''' ''[as Fudge]'' Please keep all questions to the matter of staffing the local boarding school.
* '''Mike:''' The Floo Network, it's like The Food Network but instead of cooking it's people shivering and running to the bathroom.
* ''[In Dumbledore's office]''
--> '''Harry:''' ''LOOK AT ME!''
--> '''Bill:''' A phrase that sums up the life of Paris Hilton.
--> '''Harry:''' What's happening to me?
--> '''Kevin:''' A phrase that sums up the life of Lindsay Lohan.
* ''[After the climatic battle in the Ministry of Magic]''
-->'''Mike:''' ''[as Dumbledore]'' So Harry, how are your classes going?
* "Good morning, evil grandma!"
* This bit:
-->'''Ron''': Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?
-->'''Mike''': I AM THE DEMON BELTHAGORE!!! Wha - whoops! I mean - I mean no one! Nothing!
* They have a lot of fun with [[CloudCuckoolander Luna]] [[EnsembleDarkHorse Lovegood]].
-->'''Mike:''' "Cold is just a state of mind, like happiness, or penguins."
** "If the kitchens ever ran out of pudding, I'd kill everyone in the school."
** "I only eat moonbeams."
* As Harry enters Umbridge's office:
--> '''Mike:''' (as a kitten plate) "Hi. Welcome to Hell."
* Harry puts on his glasses
--> '''Mike:'''(As Harry) Dumbledore, shouldn't we have a spell that fixes eyesight? It seems like that...
--> '''Kevin:''' MORE CHOCOLATE FROGS AND BOOGER FLAVORED JELLY BEANS!
* "And somewhere on the internet a new [[NoYay fanfic]] pairing is born"
* "Sometimes you just need a good burp to get out the Dark Lord"
* When Fred and George suddenly aparate right next to Harry:
--> '''Kevin:''' "Gah! Avada Kedavra!"
* A small, but great bit comes when they suddenly have Umbridge ''hiss'' at Fred and George.
* When Harry walks into the dorm room
--> '''Mike (As Harry):''' Alright, let's get one thing straight, this year I run this dorm. Your parents send you cookies, half go to ME. Anyone wants cigarettes, you go through ME. You need a hooker... actually, Dobby handles that. Everything else? ME.
* "*bleep* you and *bleep* your notes."
[[AC:Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince]]
* '''Hermoine''': "If I were you, when he's around, I'd keep the snogging to a minimum."
--> '''Mike''': "And stop wearing that shirt that says 'Doing Ron's sister.'"
* '''Dumbledore''': "Harry do as I say."
--> '''Mike''': "The HarryPotter series summed up in five words.''
* Any time in the series Mike shows off his Snape impression but especially later in the series:
--> '''Snape:''' Retrieve . . your . . wand.
--> '''Mike: (as Snape):'' And . . do it . . quickly.
** "Dragon.........''balls?''"
* "Luna Lovegood: really just a good old fashioned stoner."
* "You stupid ginger son of a *beep*"
* Snape stands staring out of a window while it's raining
--> '''Snape:''' It's... raining... men... hallelujah.
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Indiana Jones]]
[[AC:Raiders of the Lost Ark]]
* A lot of it can be found [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTJ1jsDxFg4 here]].
** "Gestapo Pizza!"
** "They've seig-heil'd so many times, the words have lost all meaning."
** "The gasoline! What will power our Nazi go-karts?"
** "Private Otto has burnt the bratwurscht again, shoot him!"
** "The idol is mooning us with full cheek spread!"
** "So it's one tug for ''I found it,'' two tugs for ''The mummy is real and absorbing my soul.''"
** "Please, sir, that is our only horse!" "Cram it, Osama!" "That is our only means of bringing water to the village! Without him, we will all die, sir!"
*** "And thus, Al Qaeda is born."
** "Indiana Jones, meet '''Dusseldorf Strauss!'''"
** "Goinonbreaknowbye!"
---> '''Dietrich''': I am uncomfortable with the thought of this Jewish ritual.\\
'''Bill''': I ''like'' my foreskin!
** "The funeral of Gary Coleman was a sad affair."
** During the bar fight: "Oh good, a... pirate".
** "Forgive me, father, I killed, like, eight guys today...hey, kid! Get out of my confessional!" "This is our kitchen." "No, ''you're'' drunk!" "Daddy!"
** "Its filled with Skittles!"
** "Grandpa tried to light the grill again."
** "Hey boss! Guess what? (THUD) I'm dead."
** "All these people do is get stoned out of their gourd and laugh like the ''Film/{{Predator}}''!"
** "Oh great, fanboys! Look, I've told you: I don't give a damn [[StarWars who shot first]]!"
** *WHAM* "AAAAAAAAAAAGGhh" "GO PACKERS!"
** "Hitler, crazy? That's a reach."
[[AC:Kingdom of the Crystal Skull]]
* As soon as the film starts, we get: "And we're back with Indiana Jones and the Goblet of Fire."
* The grand marshal of this year's gay pride parade, Shia [=LaBeouf=]!
* Man, that guy is begging for suicide by ent!
* On Cate Blanchett's accent:
-->'''Indy:''' You're not from around here, are you?
-->'''Spalko:''' Where is it you would imagine I am from, Dr. Jones?
-->'''Kevin Murphy:''' I'm guessing the Bullwinkle Show.
-->'''Indy:''' Well, the way you're sinking your teeth into those wubble-u's, I should think maybe Eastern Ukraine.
-->'''Mike Nelson:''' Hm, I was thinking Fake-istan.
* Sung to the classic Indiana Jones theme as Indy "runs" on top of crates escaping gunfire:
-->'''Bill''': Here we go now! Really sloooow! Nearly limping! 'Cause he's old, old, old! Old, old, old, old, old, old oooooold!
* Any of the cracks the guys make about Oxley being insane and smelly.
* After the "Nuke the fridge" scene, Kevin observes: "Okay, I guess for the rest of the movie, Indy battles bone cancer."
* When [[FridgeLogic Dr. freaking Jones]] pronounces the word "nuclear" as "nu-cue-ler", Kevin says: "Nu-cue-ler: you might as well put it in the dictionary!"
* After Indy pulls the blowing-the-dart-back-at-the-native trick:
-->'''Bill''': ''(as the native)'' Oh! Loading the darts in backwards was a poor decision!
* As the water is carrying the group to safety;
-->'''Mike:''' Oxley! I just swam through a warm spot!
-->'''Bill:''' (mimicking Oxley's voice) I got scared, I'm sorry.
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Lord of the Rings]]
[[AC:The Fellowship of the Ring]]
* "Uh-oh. They've invented the tank--pack it in, boys."
* During Bilbo's eleventy-first birthday party:
-->'''Bilbo''': I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.\\
'''Mike''': But I like half-and-half twice as much as whole milk and half as much as skim.
* When the Ringwraiths attack Bree:
-->'''Aragorn''': I know what hunts you.\\
'''Mike''': And his name is [[WesternAnimation/LooneyTunes Fudd]].
* During Galadriel and Frodo's mirror conversation:
-->'''Galadriel''': I know what you saw.\\
'''Mike''': You dirty little man.
* Gandalf's arrival:
--> '''Frodo:''' You're late.\\
'''Mike:''' [[WinstonChurchill And you're short, but tomorrow I'll wake up and I won't be late anymore.]]
* This exchange:
--> '''Saruman''': Your love of the halfling's leaf has clearly slowed your mind.\\
'''Bill''' (in a stoner voice): So I like to wake and bake, what of it, man?
* During a sweeping shot of The Shire:
--> '''Mike:''' You should see that place now...hobbit massage parlors, tacky billboards, little hobbit streetwalkers with shaved feet...
* '''Gandalf:''' Bilbo...the ring is still in your pocket.\\
'''Mike:''' Along with two pistachio shells, a breadbag tie, and some lint. HA HA, you see, I'm magic!
* Legolas' first appearance:
--> '''Mike:''' And all the teen girls say "He's a boy, but he looks like me and he's safe! I love him!"
* Kevin, at the very beginning, talking about how rapt with anticipation he is to see one of his favorite characters of all time - Tom Bombadil, perpetrator of the novel's infamous BigLippedAlligatorMoment who was never at any stage of production to be included in the film.
* One of Disembaudio's sync lines, delivered in a complete monotone: "You. Shall not. Pass."
[[AC:The Two Towers]]
* "[[ShoutOut They're gonna]] [[Film/YouDontMessWithTheZohan mess with the Rohan]]?!"
* The first time Frodo and Sam meet Gollum, and Gollum throws himself onto Frodo:
-->'''Mike''': Any girl whose ever worn a Manga/SailorMoon [[{{Cosplay}} costume]] at ComicCon knows ''exactly'' how he feels.
* When Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli meet the exiled Riders of Rohan:
--> '''Eomer''': What business do a man, an elf, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?\\
'''Mike''': And shouldn't you be [[StockShticks walking into a bar]] somewhere?
* Turning "Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew" into a StupidStatementDanceMix.
* (As the Elves enter Helm's Deep) "Hey, can you point the way to [[ThreeHundred Thermopylae]]?"
* "And his tombstone will be on a post-apocalyptic college campus."
* Before the Battle of Helm's Deep:
--> '''All (as orcs stomping their spears, in unison)''': Ow my foot. Ow my foot. Ow my foot.
** Similarly, as Haldir's elves prepare for battle:
---> '''All:''' ''(turning) Hey, look over there. ''(placing swords on ground)'' Boy, don't these things get heavy.
* Again, before the Battle of Helm's Deep:
-->'''Mike (singing)''': And all the little orcs are marching, red and black helmets waving...\\
'''Kevin''': Uh, Mike, what did I tell you about singing Dave Matthews?\\
'''Mike''': Oh, uuuh...you know what? I wrote it down, hang on. "If I ever sung him in your presence, I would find my head rolling down a filthy alley and...wow."
* "I don't know, but I been told...Orc strong, but they not smart."
** "[[ShoutOut Who leader of club]] [[FullMetalJacket made for you and me]]? Orc can't spell, but it MickeyMouse."
* About the aftermath of the impending battle:
--> '''Theoden:''' Crops can be regrown. Homes rebuilt."\\
'''Mike:''' Cows recowed!
* Aragorn returns:
--> '''Legolas:''' You look terrible.\\
'''Mike:''' Terrib-ly rugged and sexy, right?
* To Faramir:
--> '''Sam:''' Will you not help him?\\
'''Mike:''' Yes, I will not.
* Theodred's death:
--> '''Bill:''' The death of {{Hanson}}.\\
'''Kevin:''' Which one?\\
'''Bill:''' The one that looked like a girl and then turned ugly.\\
'''Kevin:''' [[TakeThat Again, which one?]]
* The impaled Uruk head's possible last words:
--> '''Bill:''' Hey, throw me a grape, I'll catch it in my mouth...what's that? ...Look out for what behind me?
* At the Wargs of Isengard attacking the Rohirrim: "They smell ''[[BaconAddiction bacon]]!''"
*
--> '''Gandalf:''' "All our hopes now lie with two small hobbits, somewhere in the wilderness."
--> '''Bill:''' "In other words, Hail Lord Sauron!"
[[/folder]]
[[folder: The Matrix Trilogy]]
[[AC:The Matrix]]:
* When Mr. Anderson is being admonished by his boss:
-->'''Boss''': You have a problem with authority--\\
'''Bill''': [[HypocriticalHumor No I don't! Go to hell]]!
* When he's fleeing the Agents for the first time:
-->'''Mr. Anderson''': This is insane...!\\
'''Kevin''': No no, [[{{Sequelitis}} the next two movies are insane]]; this one was somewhat rational.
* When Mr. Anderson gets his mouth sealed shut:
-->'''Mike''': Amazing it doesn't [[DullSurprise impair his acting talent]].\\
'''Bill''': Oh, no! I have more to shave!
* "We melt down {{Terminator}}s to make our mirrors.
* "''I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT!!!'' '''''Short and stout.'''''"
* During the scene where Morpheus explains The Matrix to Neo:
-->'''Morpheus''': How did I beat you?
-->'''Kevin''': Quite soundly, thank you.
-->'''Morpheus''': You think that's air you're breathing?
-->'''Mike''': Its wild rice.
* Trying to discuss what Film/TheMatrix is...
-->'''Mike''': Okay, okay, so let me see if I understand The Matrix now...\\
'''Kevin''': Okay, give it a try.\\
'''Mike''': Uh...we all started shaved, and punctured, and immersed in pods full of KY...\\
'''Kevin''': Right.\\
'''Mike''': And we live in [[CrapsackWorld a bland, unsatisfying]] [[LotusEaterMachine dream world]]...[[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking that's Linux-based]]...\\
'''Kevin''': Uh-huh...\\
'''Mike''': And [[LaurenceFishburne Larry Fishburne]] [[MushroomSamba offers us drugs]] and rids our body of shrimp...\\
'''Kevin''': Right.\\
'''Mike''': And we pull the tendril timer out of our skull, put on greasy clothes, and head right back into the dream world!\\
'''Kevin''': I think you got it!\\
'''Mike''': Hey~! I know "What is The Matrix?"!\\
'''Kevin''': ''That's'' Film/TheMatrix!
* "Okay, so weaponry, travel, computers, they're still super-advanced...but [[TechMarchesOn pornography, of all things, is still stuck in]] TheFifties?
* "And when you eat your Smarties, do you eat the red ones last? Do you suck them very slowly, do you crunch them very fast?"
* Sometimes it's the simple things:
-->'''Morpheus''': Tank.
-->'''Mike''': You're welcome.
[[AC:The Matrix Reloaded]]:
* Their introduction:
--> '''Mike''': Before your favorite franchises were afflicted with "[[Film/TheGodfather Godfather's]] Syndrome" and let you down with number ''three'' in the trilogy...
--> '''Bill''': ''{{Terminator}}''!
--> '''Kevin''': ''[[Film/XMen X-Men]]''!
--> '''Bill''': ''{{Shrek}}''!
--> '''Kevin''': ''[[Film/SpiderMan Spider-Man]]''!
--> '''Bill''': ''PiratesOfTheCaribbean''!
--> '''Mike''': ...''Film/TheMatrix'' was there, boldly flaunting convention, ''[[{{Sequelitis}} and sucking in Part Two]]!''
* "''[[Manga/{{Akira}} TETSUO!!!]]''"
-->'''Trinity:''' (on the phone) I'm in.
-->'''Kevin:''' ''(mimicking a typical dudey pizza delivery guy)'' You want what on your pizza?
* "The passionate dialog crackles with [[StarWars Anakinian]] lust!"
->'''Trinity''': What is it?
->'''Neo''': ...I don't know.
->'''Mike''': ''(chuckles)'' A tower of insight, this one.
* Link is returning home to his wife
->'''Link''': Where's my puss...
->'''[realizes that children are in the room]
->'''Link''': Eeeeeeeey...
->'''[The riffers chuckle]
->'''Cas''':: C'mon kids, time to go.
->'''Mike''': [as the kids]: But we wanna help Uncle Link find his cat!
* During the infamous dance scene/sex scene
->'''Kevin Murphy''': This has now lasted longer than the Orthodox wedding scene in ''TheDeerHunter''.
...
[Later]
->'''Kevin Murphy''': Okay, now it's lasted longer than the '''entirety''' of ''The Deer Hunter''.
* When Smith starts cloning himself:
-->'''Bane''': Oh god!
-->'''Agent Smith''': [[AnswersToTheNameOfGod Smith will suffice]].
-->'''Mike''': ''(imitating Smith)'' I love it when they set me up like that!
-->'''Kevin''': I think he likes the zinging almost as much as the killing.
-->''(Bane's mutation into an Agent Smith clone is complete)''
-->'''Mike and Kevin''': ''(both imitating Smith)'' My god, you're handsome! Thank you. Okay, knock it off!
* "Father Reeves, Action Priest!"
* "Pop goes the Agent~!"
* "Big deal; JackieChan did this stuff [[DrunkenMaster drunk]]."
->'''Smith''': Perhaps some part of you imprinted onto me, some part overwritten or copied...It is at this point irrelevant."\\
'''Bill''': ''(imitating Smith)'' We'll fill it in in a later rewrite, whoops."
* The ten-second chorus of "Mr. Anderson" from Mike, Kevin, and Bill upon the arrival of all the Mr Smith clones.
* This exchange:
--> '''Kevin''': So the nature of the universe is a date rape drug slipped to us by some pervy frog?\\
'''Mike''': I want a new universe!
* "[[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Valentine%27s_Day_massacre The St. Valentine's Day Mass...]][[EpicFail ive failure!"]]
* During the big fight in the parlor:
-->'''Mike''': Uh oh, guys. I...I just had a horrible thought, and I need to share it...\\
'''Bill''': Aw, you really need to, strictly--\\
'''Mike''': ''Here it is''...I thought that it'd be nice to see [[Film/HarryPotter a long Quidditch scene]] right now...''(Kevin gasps)''...or even, god help me, some [[ThePhantomMenace pod-racing]]! ''(dissolves into anguished laughter)''\\
'''Bill''': There, there, Mike...\\
'''Kevin''': It's okay, buddy.\\
'''Bill''': Damn it, ''Matrix: Reloaded''! See what you've done to Mike?!
** Later, during a slow-motion jump across the parlour:
-->'''Kevin:''' Huh. My thorazine's kicking in- do things seem slow to you right now?
-->'''Bill:''' Nnnnnoootttt aaaat aaaaaaaall, Keeeeeeviiiiiiiin.
* During the highway chase scene:
-->'''Kevin''': Ah~ a little car crash porn!\\
'''Mike''': DavidCronenberg needed a cold shower after this scene.
** Later:
--->'''Kevin''': Just when David Cronenberg was lighting up a cigarette, relaxing, this starts him up all over again!
*** And later still:
---->'''Mike''': ''(chuckling)'' David Cronenberg will have to check into a hospital tonight; he's no spring chicken anymore!\\
'''Kevin''': You mean in terms of his stamina for [[RefugeInAudacity masturbating repeatedly at slow footage of car crashes]]? Just to clarify?\\
'''Mike''': ...I didn't think we needed to be so on-the-nose about it there, Kevin, but, uh...[[SureLetsGoWithThat yeah, okay]].
* "LaurenceFishburne fires his agent!"
** Along the same lines:
---> (a guy in a car gets hurt, who looks like...) "Will Ferrell!"
---> (next glimpse of the man shows he's an agent now) "Will Ferrell's agent!"
* ''(sung to the tune of the {{Superman}} theme)'' "It's KeanuReeves, he's going so fast~! It's KeanuReeves, he's trailing some garbage~! It's Keanu, flying Keanu, going to save the hot chick and then smoke up a bowl~!"
* "The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! No, serious, people; I think the machines started it!"
* "Hey, you in the back, this is an ''anti-''machine rally, quit doing the robot!"
* (Random black man jumps towards to screen) HI MOM!
* During Neo and Trinity's [[FanDisservice sex scene]]: (sing-songy) "Neo likes Trinity, Neo likes Trinity!"
* Pretty much every reaction to [[MisterExposition the Architect's]] long-winded [[{{Infodump}} speech]]:
--> '''Kevin''': [[MeaninglessMeaningfulWords Words wordswordswords words…words words words]].
--> '''Mike''': (whenever Neo asks a question) No, don't ask! Oh god, he's gonna go on for like ten minutes…''No, don't encourage him!''
--> '''Bill''': Well good, we're done, can we– (He starts talking again) ''Gah!'' The guy's like a [[PollyWantsAMicrophone parrot in a cracker factory.]]
--> '''Kevin''': That's right, folks, the '''''ACTION FLICK OF THE SUMMER!'''''
--> '''Kevin''': The instruction manual for my snow blower is ''gripping'' compared to this clown!
--> '''Mike''': Oh look, [[ShutUpHannibal bite my nuggets, Colonel Sanders]].
--> '''Kevin''': Look, Jack Perkins, could you sum up, my car's doubled-parked!
--> '''Kevin''': Our priority, the next film will be two solid hours of fighting robots.
--> '''Bill''': ''OH DEAR GOD, get off the screen!''
--> '''Kevin''': [[RunningGag Words words wordswordswords words words]].
[[AC:The Matrix Revolutions]]
* Lets get ready to '''''[[{{Retcon}} RETCOOOONNN!!!]]'''''
* During Smith's VillainousBreakdown:
-->'''Bill''': He's having a total eclipse of the heart!
** And then during his death:
--->'''All''': ''(as the Smith clones are staring to explode, in unison)'': [[BrickJoke Turn aroouunnnnd, briiiiiiight eyyeess]]...
* Comenting on [[OminousLatinChanting the]] [[CrowningMusicOfAwesome music]] during the final battle:
-->'''Bill''': I like to play this soundtrack when I mow the lawn, makes me mow the ''hell'' out the the lawn! Sometimes the lawn actually bursts into flames...
* "Lizard people... somehow responsible... must warn David Icke!"
* "Remember guys, these movies are ''philosophical." ''
--> "Yes, I actually do find myself drifting to thoughts of Socrates...[[GeniusBonus IN that I want to drink hemlock and die.]]"
* Counts as both a GeniusBonus and a TakeThat against a bit part played by Cornell West:
-->'''West''': We can't treat this as a hopeless cause.
-->'''Mike''': Hey, the guy who voted for Ralph Nader has no right to talk about hopelessness.
* During Trinity's death scene:
-->Ow, ow, ''ow, OW!''
-->Ow, you're leaning on the poles that skewered my liver, OW!
--> My god you have driven that one pole DEEPER IN MY LEFT VENTRICLE AND IT HURTS ABOUT FIVE TIMES AS MUCH!
-->Apparently you didn't have the pleasure of KNEELING ON A POLE STICKING OUT OF MY ''LUNGS,'' AND YOU JUST HAD TO TRY, OW OW OW OH GOD OW OW!!
-->And yet you still have your elbow PUSHING AGAINST THE ''THING'' THAT TORE MY SPINE OUT, AM I NOT BEING ''CLEAR?!''
-->It had nothing to do with you SITTING DIRECTLY ON MY SHATTERED PELVIS LIKE YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW!!!
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Pirates of the Caribbean]]
[[AC: The Curse of the Black Pearl]]
* Upon seeing the shipwreck in the beginning:
--> '''Mike:''' Shia Labeouf Buys A Yacht, Day One.
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Spider-Man]]
[[AC: Spider-Man 2]]
* "Whooo! Yay ledge!"
* "And her entire skeletal system was pulverized."
* "BOOOOOONESAW IS READY! To be left out of this picture, and feel really depressed about it. Seriously, BONESAW was seeing a therapist for a while. But now, BONESAW IS REAAADY... to get on with his life." (After he appears in the retelling of the first film during the opening credits.)
* Introducing the robotic arms.
--> '''Reporter''': But Dr. Octavius, if the artificial intelligence of these arms is as advanced as you suggest, wouldn't that leave you vulnerable to them?
--> '''Octavius''': How right you are.
--> '''Bill''': KILL HER, ARMS!
* BruceCampbell's cameo
--> '''Bruce:''' "And you might want to..."
--> '''Mike:''' "...Be as awesome as me."
* When an image of Norman Osborn appears in the mirror.
--> '''Harry''': "Dad, I thought you're..."
--> '''Willem Dafoe''': "I'm in art film hell."
* "Spidersprite, spidersprite/Totally digital spidersprite/Is he real? Listen, bud/He's got zeroes and ones for blood!"
[[AC:Spider-Man 3]]
* During Harry and Peter's climactic fight:
-->'''Harry''': I protected you in high school. Now I'm gonna kick your ass!
-->'''Peter''': Ooh!
-->'''Bill''': The five-minute follow up of them shouting "Oh yeah?" "Yeah!" was wisely cut for time.
* During the first Peter and Harry fight scene:
-->'''Harry''': You knew this was coming, Pete!
-->'''Kevin''': I sent you an email about it!
* When Peter is trying to resuscitate the unconscious Harry:
-->'''Peter''': HARRY!
-->'''Kevin''': I need you for the third act! Live, dammit, live!
* A wonderful bit of CrossesTheLineTwice humor after Peter gets the symbiote suit:
-->'''Bill''': He can jump really high and he now "gets" Tyler Perry.
* After Black Suit Spidey breaks Eddie's camera:
-->'''Eddie''': What the ''hell?!''
-->'''Kevin''': The pictures of my cat on an invisible bike!
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Star Trek]]
[[AC:Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan]]
* When Khan lifts Chekhov by his spacesuit
-->'''Mike:''' Chekhov, now with E-Z-Grip handle!
* On the rendering of the Genesis Effect
-->'''Mike:''' This is like we took the game ''VideoGame/SimEarth'', and remove anything fun and interesting from it. In other words, exactly like ''VideoGame/SimEarth''.
-->'''Kevin:''' Rifftrax! Some two-decade-old computer games have it coming!
* The massive amounts of [[ItWasHisSled 'spoilers']] Bill keeps spouting during the opening credits, to Mike and Kevin's annoyance.
-->'''Bill''': Kill Spock already!
-->'''Kevin''': Bill, stop that!
-->'''Bill''': I could have killed Spock and [[Film/StarTrekIIITheSearchForSpock Kirk's son]] by now!
[[AC:Star Trek: Generations]]
* "Onscreen." (A group of Klingons appear) "Aah! Offscreen! Offscreen!"
* Then there's that priceless moment when Bill asks about the female Klingons "Do you think we're seeing the only hairless part of their breasts?" and Mike can't help but scream.
--> '''Picard:''' Warp One, engage!
--> '''Kevin:''' Go that way!
* [[Film/TheWizardOfOz "Romulan, Breen, and Klingon!" "Oh my!"]]
* "Doctor... Sauron..." "[[LordoftheRings The Dark Lord?]]" "...Doctor Tarien Sauron..." "Oh, ''Doctor'' The Dark Lord."
* The scene opens on an 18th century frigate with the entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation wearing period appropriate naval uniforms.
--> '''Kevin Murphy:''' Okay, I might be jumping the gun here but this may be the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made.
--> '''Mike Nelson:''' Hm, you know what, that's easy enough to figure out, let me just get out my tricorder here, punch in a few settings, "beep", "beep, beep, beep", adjust for fluxating magnetic fields, "beep", "beep, beep", take a residual stupidity reading, "nee-re-re-re-re-re-re", Kevin I'm getting very high readings indeed, sir!
--> '''Kevin Murphy:''' There must be emanations of asininity fouling your readings. Let me take my own, "click, click, buzz, whir, click". Yes, our data sets correspond, "click".
--> '''Mike Nelson:''' Well, okay. There you have it: scientific proof that this is the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made.
--> '''Kevin Murphy:''' Click, buzz, whir.
--> '''Mike Nelson:''' Nee-re-re-re-re-re-re.
* Interestingly, during Picard's tearful anguish over Renee and Robert's death, the crew become more or less silent and allow the scene to play through without mockery.
** Which could be considered a CrowningMomentOfAwesome for Patrick Stewart.
[[AC:Star Trek (2009)]]
* "No one's gone here before! Permission to boldly go?"
* "And now: the haunting, lyrical, kind of Samuel Barber-ish 'Husband Killing' theme."
* "The Kelvin is also known as the USS {{Redshirt}}."
* The Kelvin being heavily damaged:
-->"[[SpaceIsAnOcean Water breaking in all over the place...]]"
* (Pretending to be baby Kirk:) "[[WilliamShatner Wah... wahwah. Goo... googahgah.]]"
* Spock flips out after the Vulcan bullies called his mother the "human whore":
-->"Please, Spock. The logical response is to return a dispiriting jab concerning one of '''our''' mothers."
* This exchange:
-->'''Sarek:''' (to young Spock) Emotions run deep within our race.
-->'''Bill:''' No, they don't— GO TO HELL, Dad!
* Also:
-->'''Captain Pike:''' "Your father was Captain of a starship for twelve minutes, he saved eight hundred lives. I dare you to do better."
--> "I have endangered eight hundred and ''one'' people's lives and you have 20 minutes to save them."
* About the Romulans:
-->'''Bill''': There's a Blue Man Group missing a couple of drummers!
* During Kirk's academic cheating trial:
-->'''Kirk (to Spock)''': Let me ask you something I think we all know the answer to.\\
'''Mike''': Why did ''Series/{{Heroes}}'' suck so bad after Season 1?
* As the [[SoundtrackDissonance inappropriate funk music]] kicks in at the end of Spock's refusal of the Vulcan Science Academy:
-->'''Kevin''': Funky Spock! Funky Spock! Gimme some of that funky Spock! Uh!
* At the abrupt end of Kirk's trial:
-->'''Starfleet Academy Headmaster''': I hereby order all cadets to report to Hanger 1 immediately. Dismissed.\\
'''Mike''': ...Oh, and Kirk, I sentence you to hang by the neck until dead. Bye!
* "[[TheIncredibleHulk She-Hulk]] is pleased!"
* On the bridge, where we meet...
--> '''Sulu (played by John Cho):''' I'm Hikaru Sulu.
--> '''Mike (as George Takei):''' No, you're not.
* "AH!!!! We went to Detroit by accident!!!"
* "Has anyone seen my hamster?"
* When Nero introduces himself to the ''Enterprise'':
-->'''Nero''': Hi, Christopher. I'm Nero.\\
'''Everyone (in AA-meeting-style voices)''': "Hi, Nero."
* On the drill landing scene:
-->'''Mike''': So if I understand their plan correctly, it was: "Fall out of ship."\\
'''Kevin''': I think you gave it a lot more thought than they did.
* "Tell my bald wife and bald kids how bald I think they are!"
* After [[spoiler:planet Vulcan is destroyed]]
-->'''[=McCoy=]''': Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a physicist!\\
'''Bill''': No-no, more phlegm; let's hear those giant throat nodes and smoker's hack!\\
'''Kevin''': ''('''extremely''' gravelly)'' Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a human grizzly bear!\\
'''Bill''': There you go!
* When Kirk gets ejected onto the ice-planet in an escape pod:
-->'''Kevin''': Kirk is ejected along with a dog-eared copy of ''Literature/{{Twilight}}''.\\
'''Mike''': Ah, they packed him [[TakeThat toilet paper]]--that was thoughtful.
* "What the hell? Is that a [[StarWars tauntaun]]?! You guys marooned me in the wrong franchise, you idiots!"
* (in regards to the first appearance of [[spoiler:Spock!Prime]]) "[[MoneyDearBoy Alright, let's get this over with...Vulcan sign; 'Live Long and Prosper'; where's my check?]]"
* "It nice seeing the Creature from the Black Lagoon getting work again."
* When Kirk and [[spoiler:Spock!Prime]] meet Scotty:
-->'''Scotty''': I had a little debate with my instructor on the issue of relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel.\\
'''Bill''': Meaning "I slept with his wife."\\
* A little later* \\
'''Scotty''': Are you from the future?\\
'''Kevin''': Yes, but we pronounce it: '''[[AC:"THE FUTURE!!!"]]'''
* "Nobody knows when it's appropriate to do impressions of Spock roaring."
* As Scotty dries the insides of his ears, one of the trio makes a little squeaky sound.
* When Kirk sees [[spoiler:Spock and Uhura making out]]:
-->'''Bill (as Kirk)''': I'm not sure which one I'm jealous of.
* Their faces don't look like OUR faces! SHOOT THEM!
* When the drill attacks San Francisco:
-->'''Kevin''': It's the vengeful laser-ghost of Harvey {{Milk}}!
* "Well, I guess it's time to summon [[StarWars Lord Vader]]."
* "[[TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles Master Splinter?...Raphael?]]...anybody?"
* "How many people are gonna choke me (Kirk) today?"
* "[[BoyBand Backstreet's]] [[ShoutOut back, alright!]]"
* "Only one brave sperm penetrates the egg's outer wall. Brave little sperm!"
* When victory is achieved:
-->'''Mike (as Spock)''': Nice.\\
'''Kevin (as Kirk)''': Nice.\\
'''Bill (as Sulu)''': Nice.\\
'''Mike (as Chekov)''': Neee-[=YIIIIIce=].
* At the end:
-->'''Kirk''': Scotty, how we doin'?\\
'''Mike (as Scotty)''': Still Scottish and whimsical, sir!
* "Scotty and his wife have a weird relationship."
* [[TheRoom "Oh, hai, Old Spock, welcome to San Francisco! Don't worry about it!"]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Star Wars]]
[[AC:StarWars I: The Phantom Menace]]
* The opening with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan:
-->'''Qui-Gon:''' Be mindful of the living Force, young padawan.
-->'''Obi-Wan:''' Yes, master.
-->'''Mike:''' But the screenplay! I sense disaster!
* Any and all riffs pertaining to Jar Jar, but particularly when just resort to cursing him:
--> '''Jar Jar:''' We've no nuttin' moola to trade (or something stupid like that).
--> '''Mike:''' Look, GO TO HELL.
** And this one:
---> '''Jar Jar:''' WEESA GOIN HOOOOOOME!
---> '''Kevin:''' Oh, do so COMPLETELY shut up.
** Kevin actually [[NauseaFuel vomits for five minutes]] while Jar-Jar talks.
** One scene has an unfortunate angle of Jar-Jar as well, as Jar Jar swims away from the camera for a few minutes.
--->'''Mike:''' Ah, thank you for giving us an unhindered look at the business end of America's most loathed character.
** And this surprisingly classy discussion of just ''how'' Jar-Jar annoys people:
--->'''Kevin:''' See, my opinion, the Jar-Jar thing isn't so inherently racist as it is more broadly offensive.
--->'''Mike:''' Really?
--->'''Kevin:''' Yeah, he's more annoying in a metaphysical sense.
--->'''Mike:''' I see, so, he bugs your ''soul''?
--->'''Kevin:''' Actually, yes.
* This exchange:
-->'''Yoda:''' Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering.
-->'''Mike:''' Um, Yoda, load of crap biggest ever heard I is that.
** Also "Hey, Yoda, up the hell shut!"
* Mike's reaction to Captain Panaka's rapid InfoDump:
-->'''Mike:''' Wh-who's everyone? Resistance to what? Leaders of what? What's the Federation? What the HELL is going on!?
* This exchange:
-->'''Mike:''' Remember when Theatre/{{Macbeth}} said that life was a tale told by an idiot? I actually think he meant to say ''Star Wars Episode One'' is a tale told by an idiot.
-->'''Kevin:''' Must've been a misprint in [[Creator/WilliamShakespeare the First Folio edition.]]
* [''as a battle droid''] "[[AC:[[Film/{{Patton}} Rommel, you magnificent son of a bitch, I read your book.]]]]"
* The RunningGag of Kevin mispronouncing the names of both Padme and Naboo. This eventually turns into a game of coming up with StarWars names more horrible than the real ones, which they end up accomplishing in the middle of the climax.
* "Every fanboy's dream: take NataliePortman to their room and show her their robot."
* On C-3PO meeting R2-D2:
-->'''Kevin:''' And so begins Hollywood's most enduring gay couple.
* On Jar Jar stealing food with his tongue.
-->'''Kevin:''' [[LampshadedDoubleEntendre Stop tonguing my fruit!]]
[[AC:StarWars II: Attack Of The Clones]]
* This exchange:
-->'''Mike:''' R-4 is the Windows ME of the Astromech droids.
-->'''Kevin:''' Form a nerdier sentence! No, don't try! You can't!
* This scene in the GreasySpoon with the slovenly cook Dex:
-->'''Kevin''': Mike, I invite you to think about that lizard guy's underpants.\\
'''Mike''': OH! ''(dry-heaving)'' OH! ''(gagging)'' [[BrainBleach WHY, Kevin?!]]\\
'''Kevin''': Hey, it took your mind off this whole thing for a minute, didn't it?\\
'''Mike''': You're right. Why, thank you, Kevin! Ah, That guy's underpants...
* When Anakin kisses Padme:
-->'''ChadVader:''' Ah, he's using the Jedi Tongue Technique. His training is now complete.
* After Obi-wan opens a door with the Force: "Oh can the theatrics, that was a remote-sensing door!"
* As [=C3PO and R2D2=] watch their marriage.
-->'''Mike (as [=C3PO=]):''' Someday that will be you and me, R2, as soon as they get rid of that silly law.
* After one of the "wittier" lines:
--> '''Mike:''' The dialogue crackles like, uh, pudding!
* This exchange:
-->'''Mike:''' Uh, do we have any idea who's fighting who?\\
'''Kevin:''' Yes, the director is fighting the audience, and the audience is fighting back.\\
'''Mike:''' Ah. And who's winning?\\
'''Chad Vader:''' Twentieth Century Fox.
* After Anakin finds his dead mother:
-->'''Yoda''': Anakin is in pain...''terrible'' pain...\\
'''Mike''': Hey, what about us, Muppet boy?!\\
''(WipeCut away)''\\
'''Mike''': Hey, don't you wipe cut when I'm talking to you!
* Taking Padme's "I love the water" and turning it into a RunningGag. Example:
--> '''Padme:''' I love you.
--> '''Mike:''' Not as much as the water.
* When Obi-Wan and Count Dooku fight:
-->'''Kevin''': Nuclear silly-string!
** Later...
--->'''ChadVader''': I'm a master of the lightsaber and even ''I'm'' bored. Let's get it on, people!
* The scene where they gush about Padme's bedroom. A description simply cannot do it justice.
* Mace Windu: "Pilot! Land in that assembly area!" ChadVader: "Did he mean Pontius Pilate, 5th Procurator of Judaea? From 26 to 36 AD?" Mike: "Uh...no."
* Kevin's opinion of the RomanticPlotTumor:
--> (Shot of the Clone Army)
--> '''Kevin:''' Have you ever seen something more of an affront to ''all that is holy?!?''
--> (WipeCut to Anakin and Padme having a picnic in a field.)
--> '''Kevin:''' Except, you know, the last time we saw these two.
* And of course from this point forward through the remaining 4 movies (and Holiday Special), the RunningGag about how much Anakin/Vader hates sand.
* After a scene featuring much whining from Anakin (I forget which one)
--> '''ChadVader''': My brother was a puss.
[[AC:StarWars III: Revenge Of The Sith]]
* ''[During the scrolling letters]''
-->'''Bill:''' Meanwhile, Vice Chancellor Ugga Bugga and Darth Buttcrack are rendezvousing on the planet Ovaltine, where the rebel leader B.B. Snausageberry is fighting the dreaded Cameltoeians. How's that?
-->'''Mike:''' I think you've got the hang of this whole Lucas thing. [[NoIndoorVoice Here, have TWENTY BILLION DOLLARS!]]
-->'''Bill:''' Oh, much obliged.
* Kevin finally cracks during the space pod battle:
-->'''Kevin:''' Oh. Oh no. Tell me this movie won’t have Podracing will it. ‘Cause, ‘cause if so, Mike, I’ll pay yah good money to let me out of here now. I will sign the deed to my house over to you!
-->'''Mike:''' Kevin, relax. Enjoy this long, long sequence coming up of Jar Jar Binks doing funny stuff.
-->'''Kevin:''' ''(screams)'' [[AnythingButThat No, no! Mike, please! Let me out! Seriously. I will kill all your enemies. Please!]]
-->'''Mike:''' Here, breath into this paper bag.
* Palpatine's ludicrous ham:
-->'''Palpatine''': The daaaaaaark syde of de faaaaaaaaaaawce is a paaathwaaaaaaay to maaaaaany abeeleeeteez, zum cooooonisder to be unnnnnnnnnnnnaatureil.
-->'''Rifftrax (*continuind)''': And so you see (*incomprehensible string of British accented gibberish, featurinf prominent long vowels).
* Continuing the gag of not caring about the battle scenes:
--> '''Bill:''' ''[during the opening Battle of Coruscant]'' Bad thing: I don't know who is fighting who, where, about what. Good thing: I don't care!
* This particular exchange after one of Yoda's, um... yeah:
-->'''Yoda''': I hope right you are.
-->'''Michael J. Nelson''' [as Yoda]: Or predicate will I put again before subject [[CloudCuckoolander and gibberish shall I spout]].
-->'''Kevin Murphy''': True that is, Mike. An idiot sounds he like.
-->'''Bill Corbett''': And yet by many sci-fi geeks beloved he is, though Muppet he is also, and tiring his use of anastrophe is.
-->'''Michael J. Nelson''': Also true that is. Annoying it very is. Off it pisses me.
* This exchange:
-->'''Mace Windu:''' I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi\\
'''Mike:''' That's funny; we can't sense ANY plot whatsoever!
* This exchange:
-->'''Anakin:''' From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!\\
'''Bill:''' From my point of view, a monkey wrote this script with his PENIS!
* As [[SamuelLJackson Mace Windu:]]
--> '''Bill:''' I have had it with these [[SnakesOnAPlane motherf**kin Sith on this motherf**kin planet!]]
* Any and all jabs at Hayden Christiansen's talent...or rather, lack thereof.
--> Bland?
* On Anakin's transformation into JamesEarlJones:
--> '''Bill:''' He can't do it all at once, or it'll kill him! He's gotta work his way up the manly scale. First he turns into Lance Bass, then Rupert Everett--
--> '''Mike:''' --then Scott Stapp, David Duchovny, Wesley Snipes, Russell Crowe, Rosie O'Donnell, and THEN James Earl Jones.
* This exchange:
-->'''Palpatine:''' NO...no, no YOU WILL DIE!\\
'''Bill:''' NO! [[Literature/OfMiceAndMen I don't wanna go to tha big place!]]
* On Palpatine's last line following Anakin's becoming of a Sith lord:
-->'''Palpatine:''' ONCE MORE THE SITH WILL RUUUUUULE THE GALAXY... ''(voice lowering with each word)'' ...aaand...weee...shall have...peeeeeeeeeeaaaace.\\
'''Riffers:''' (clapping) Oh lovely, marvelous, Darth Actor, ladies and gentlemen, Darth Actor.
* Upon the reveal of Darth Vader via mechanical moving table:
-->'''Bill:''' If this slowly rotates him facedown into a pie, the entire journey will have been worth it.
* As the Empire watches the Death Star under construction:
-->'''Kevin Murphy:''' ''(as Tarkin)'' Yeah, so Darth, a couple of weeks we'll start building it, then we can take that decal off the wall of the window. Until then, looks cool, eh?
-->'''Bill:''' ''(as Vader)'' So, where are the ladies on this ship?
-->'''Mike:''' ''(as Palpatine)'' [[HoYay Ah, my son. You have much to learn about the Dark Side.]]
-->'''Bill:''' ''(as Vader)'' [[BigNo NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!]]
-->'''Kevin:''' Ah, you see, Bill? That one seems kind of warranted.
* When the Wookies are preparing to charge:
--> [[PunctuatedForEmphasis THIS! IS! THE TEDDY BEAR PICNIC!]]
* Any and all Palpatine Old Man jokes.
-->I want a muffin.
-->Oh, my robes!
-->I want a Fig Newton!
-->OH, I never knew my pants could be this full!
-->Oh, I'm whipped, some noodle soup and bed for me.
* The RunningGag about R2 being a droid serial killer.
* This:
--> '''Padme:''' Ani...I'm pregnant.
--> '''Bill:''' I'm pretty sure it's Watto's. I can feel its wings moving around.
* "I believe I have the right to know if you are ''pants-crapping insane!"''
* The IAmVeryBritish persona they give Obi-Wan.
* Mike decides to take advantage of the Palpatine/Mace Windu fight and uses the time to share a (surprisingly detailed) recipe for dip with his friends and the listeners. Made funnier by Bill and Kevin trying to listen to him and pay attention to the film at the same time.
--> '''Bill:''' ...Uh, Samuel has the guy ''pinned down now,'' Mike.
* "What do you think, penis-headed ghost of Hamlet's father?"
* All of the jabs involving how SamuelLJackson is [[SirSwearsALot notorious for swearing.]]
** You're not a mother[[SoundEffectsBleep *BLEEP*]]ing master.
* "Sky-WANKER."
* The guys making fun of Yoda's speech pattern.
** "Off it pisses me!"
* When Anakin is complaining to Palpatine
-->'''Palpatine:''' It is upsetting to me to see that the Council doesn't seem to fully appreciate your talents.
-->'''Mike:''' WHAT TALENTS?!
[[AC:Star Wars IV: A New Hope]]
* "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, [[GeorgeLucas a film maker]] said, 'I WILL create a character named Kit Fisto!'"
* "Genius, thwarting DarthVader by sending the plans to a planet covered in ''sand''. He hates that stuff!
* "Door. Guys. Door! Guys! DOOR! GU-ah, crap."
* "Good guys are dropping left and right, the Stormtroopers have no idea how to react. Nothing like this has ever happened to them before!"
* "It's the Council of Lousy Haircuts!"
* "....when did we let an American in?"
* "Can't we have just ''one'' nice meal together?"
* "My pants are plastic/My helmet's tight/My balls are swinging left to right!"
** "Chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe..."
* [[Series/DoctorWho "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"]]
* One of [[GallowsHumor the most callous and hilarious one-liners]] in the entire series riff:
-->'''C-3PO''': I'm C-3P0, human cyborg relations. And this is my counterpart, R2-D2.\\
'''Luke''': Hello.\\
'''Kevin''': ''(as [=R2D2=])'' I stood next to your mother as she ''died''.
** Bill's reaction, a dark little chuckle and an understated "Utini" makes it the funniest thing to ever happen.
* Absolutely [[EnsembleDarkHorse EVERYTHING]] regarding the unfortunately named Porkins.
[[AC:Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back]]
* "Oh, man. Oh, Luke, you okay? I was out cold there for a few minutes, I got this broken nose, blood everywhere, really embarrassing. Hey, my seatbelt's a little stuck, can you, uh, help me with it? Uh, Luke, where the hell are you going? This isn't funny, man. Don't take my wallet, you piker! When I get out of here I swear to God I'm gonna OHGAAAAA!"
* On the probe droid on Hoth:
-->'''Kevin:''' Look out, it's a probe droid. [[AnalProbing Don't let it see your]] '''''[[AnalProbing ass]]'''''!
* When Chewie giggles at Leia's jibe at Han.
-->'''Kevin:''' ''(as Chewie)'' Pwned!
-->'''Han:''' Laugh it up, fuzzball.
-->'''Kevin:''' ''(as Chewie)'' Don't mind if I do, skin tube!
* After Leia kisses Luke:
-->'''Bill:''' ''(as Leia)'' Now, if you don't mind, I have to go make out with my Dad.
* "A KLANSMAN!"
* "Hm. Tripping balls I am, right now!"
* "Lando?" [[RunningGag "Cerebro?" "Magneto!"]]
* "Down boy, quit humping my leg!"
* "Don't make me lay the smackdown on that ass."
[[AC:Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi]]
* Pretty much anything relating to the Ewok/Stormtrooper battle:
** "TheHurtLocker as presented by the Build-a-Bear Workshop."
** "Today's the day the teddy bears have their ''murder''!"
** "Remember: these are the Empire's ''best'' troops."
** "My God, they're eating them."
** "It's like a scene from 'HarryAndTheHendersons: Harry Goes to Iraq.'"
* '''Imperial Officer:''' You rebel scum.
--> '''Bill:''' You Imperial slut!
* ''[Watching the rebels being massacred outside the Death Star]''
-->'''Emperor:''' The Alliance will die. As will your friends.
-->'''Mike:''' [[HarryPotter Ron, Hermione,]] [[LordOfTheRings Merry, Pippin,]] [[{{Transformers}} Bumblebee,]] all of them!
* "And now they're visited by Porkins the White."
* "It's a trap!" "This is no time to quote tired Internet memes, sir!"
* "Fifty thousand, no less." "What, do I look like I'm made of money?" "No, you look like you're made of expired Crisco!" "WHO SAID THAT?!"
* On the famous Leia gold bikini:
-->"There it is, the outfit that singlehandedly makes Comic Con bearable."
-->"And occasionally much, much worse."
-->[[CrossPlaying "You saw that guy too, huh?"]]
[[AC:The Star Wars Holiday Special]]
* During the intro:
-->'''Announcer:''' Introducing Chewbacca's family!
-->'''Mike:''' [[NightmareFuel And many a scream yourself awake nightmare!]]
* When Malla contacts Luke Skywalker:
-->'''Luke:''' Oh, look, R2, it's Chewbacca's family.
-->'''Mike:''' What I meant to say is, "'''''RUN''''', it's Chewbacca's family!"
* During the scene where Lumpy watches a [[BuffySpeak holographic circus thing]] with obnoxious music in the background, every riff is a CrowningMomentOfFunny:
-->''(Mike, Bill and Kevin all scream in terror when the first acrobat appears.)''
-->'''Bill:''' Well, it was inevitable. [[BrainBleach Someday I knew the moment would come when I had to gouge my own eyes out.]] This is it!
-->'''Mike:''' No! Bill, stay your hand! There'll be plenty of ''other'' moments coming up. Be a shame to let ''those'' go to waste.
-->'''Bill:''' Good point.
-->(Mike laughs in amazement at the acrobats.)
-->'''Bill:''' ''(sarcastic)'' Wookies ''love'' this.
-->'''Kevin:''' Like his single leather boot there. ''(pause)'' This is the very same scene that is playing on a ''constant'' loop in Ryan Seacrest's brain. ''({{beat}})'' Explains the smile, y'know.
-->''(The lead acrobat vanishes and reappears life size next to Lumpy playing some DrSeuss-like trumpet.)''
-->'''Mike:''' Elton John would give ''everything he owned'' if this were only a real device.
-->''(The acrobats swing into full steam on the table.)''
-->'''Bill:''' Even Rip Taylor thinks this goes way overboard on the camp.
-->'''Kevin:''' Oh, no, are we going to find out why they call him "Lumpy"?
-->'''Bill:''' [[SanitySlippage Music to go]] ''[[SanitySlippage mad]]'' [[SanitySlippage by!]]
-->'''Mike:''' ''(on the lead acrobat)'' I'd ''love'' to have been there the day this guy told the all other Keebler Elves what he ''really'' wanted to do with his life.
-->'''Bill:''' "No, seriously?!"... ''(a few seconds pass)'' Circe du Suck... oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill me, because I really don't think I could take another second of this, guys.
-->'''Kevin:''' If I watch any more of this, am I gonna get a letter in the mail informing me that I'm now legally gay?
-->'''Bill:''' ...''yes.''
-->'''Mike:''' You know, it might be a funny joke if you played this music if you knew someone was going to ask for your hand in marriage. "Rebecca, my dearest love, would you WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE WEEDEE WEEDEE-wee-wow!"
-->'''Bill:''' [[CaptainObvious Kinda kill the moment.]] ''(a few seconds pass)'' I hate to say it, 'cause I know this is on the up-and-up, but... it all seems kinda weird.
-->'''Kevin:''' Ah! Ah, good, the bright fuschia fish acrobats are here! It wouldn't be a Life Day without 'em!
-->'''Bill:''' No sirree.
-->'''Mike:''' ''(exasperated by the lead acrobat)'' Look, would you and Bryce please move to Palm Springs, buy matching Speedos and get jobs in retail and just ''leave us alone?!''
-->'''Bill:''' ''(noticing Lumpy's avid grin)'' There's murder in his eyes! I like where this is headed!
-->'''Kevin:''' ''(as the lead acrobat)'' And that was the introduction, folks! Now let's get on with the show!
-->'''Mike:''' ''(as Malla)'' Would you turn off that stupid video game?!
-->'''Bill:''' ''(as Lumpy)'' It's not a video game, Mom. It's a video game ''system''!
* During the first scene with Chewbacca's family, Bill gets the most obvious joke out of the way:
-->'''Bill:''' Well, terrifying thought, but I'm charging ahead with it anyway: If you're a [[FurryFandom furry]], and you're watching this right now. are you turned on?
-->'''Kevin:''' ([[BrainBleach horrified]]) Ohh! Can I be excused to have a good cry?
-->'''Mike:''' Stay ''right'' where you are, Murphy!
* While watching the...ahem, "cooking show":
-->'''Mike''': You know, sure, this makes me wanna drive a masonry chisel into my kneecap, but on the bright side, [[TakeThat at least it's not Rachael Ray]].
** And later:
--->'''Mike''': Uh, you sure this aired during the ''family'' hour? Far more stirring and whipping than the FCC likes to see before ten...
* When Stormtroopers show up at the Wookiees' home:
-->'''Mike:''' (as Itchy) Don't worry, son, [[ImperialStormtrooperMarksmanshipAcademy they can't shoot straight, and they're easy to kill!]]
* Mike [[{{Mondegreen}} misinterprets the lyrics]] to Jefferson Starship's song:
-->'''Jefferson Starship:''' ''Will you light the sky on fire?''
-->'''Mike:''' Will I light this guy on fire? No, sir, I will not!
** Bill insisting that Mike light the sky and/or that guy on fire already, in order to shut the band up.
** Turns into a BrickJoke during the Wookiee gathering near the end.
-->'''Bill:''' This is it, Mike! They're finally ready to light this guy on fire!
* This exchange:
-->'''Kevin:''' So after this aired, the deep shame and mockery from the ordeal forced GeorgeLucas underground and his creation ''StarWars'' was never heard from again, right?
-->'''Mike:''' Uh, actually, it went on to shatter records for money made (''breaking sound is heard''), and it has more devotees than many major religions.
-->'''Bill:''' Ooh, Mike, that inconsistency caused a logical [[OurWormholesAreDifferent wormhole]] that broke Kevin's mic!
* During one commercial bumper:
-->'''Announcer:''' The Star Wars Holiday Special will continue in a moment!
-->'''Bill:''' Despite the growing number of protesters outside our office!
* This little addition to Princess Leia's song:
-->'''Leia:''' ''That one day we'll be free…''
-->'''Mike:''' (as Leia) "To [[TheEmpireStrikesBack mouth-kiss]] [[BrotherSisterIncest our siblings]] with impunity!"
* During the obligatory commercial for Star Wars toys:
--> '''C-3PO:''' ''Star Wars'' - you and your children loved it!
--> '''Bill:''' Then tonight happened.
* When Ackmina is trying to get her customers to leave.
-->'''Ackmina:''' Aren't you listening to what I'm saying? The Empire has SHUT US DOWN! You've got to GO now!
-->'''Bill:''' '''[[TheGoldenGirls THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND!]]'''
* During a CBS newsbreak:
--> '''Bill:''' This just in: Christmas has been cancelled due to sadness caused by The Star Wars Holiday Special.
* Mike: "[[AllYourBaseAreBelongToUs All your base are belong to Lumpy.]]"
* After Mala first expresses concern for her husband's safety:
-->'''Bill:''' (as Itchy) There, there. If he's dead, we can still celebrate Life Day. We'll just call it ''Death'' Day! And instead of eating turkey and opening presents, we can bury his body before it rots.
* When Han tricks a Stormtrooper into a RailingKill.
-->'''Bill:''' This moment brought to you by the WilhelmScream.
* When the first commercial appears.
-->'''Kevin:''' ''(on seeing Willie Rawles, GE employee)'' ...Wuh-wait? Is that Darth out of uniform?
* The Fruit of the Loom commercial:
-->'''Mike:''' ''(as lady)'' What the hell are you, ''tobacco''?!
* The glorious thing about the Riffed holiday special is that the video was taken directly from the tv broadcast (as it was never released on DVD) so there are plenty of 70s commercials the guys provide hysterical commentary for.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Transformers]]
[[AC: Transformers]]
* When the [[FanNickname Popeye robot]] is after Sam:
--> '''Sam''': He's gonna kill me!
--> The robot pulls his pants down
--> '''Kevin''': [[BlackComedyRape I think he has something else in mind..]]
* When the Sector 7 cars pull up outside the Witwicky residence and [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivfvoqBiG04 the various agents pile out]]...
-->'''Kevin''': [[Film/TheMatrix Mr. Anderson]]...
-->'''Bill''': ...Mr. Anderson...
-->'''Mike''': ...'''MR.''' Anderson...
-->'''Bill''': ...Mr. ''Anderson''...
-->'''Kevin''': ...MIS-TER Anderson...
* When the various character groups meet up at the Hoover Dam:
--> '''Tom Banachek''': Son, listen to me very carefully. People could die here.
--> '''Mike''': If we really put our minds to it, people could die here.
* The Decepticon role call turned into something out of Thomas the Tank Engine.
[[AC: Revenge of the Fallen]]
* The first thing out of 'Sam's mouth after meeting the Primes and returning to life:
-->"God is a bunch of robots!"
* Bumblebee's reaction upon seeing Sam apparently die.
--> "I'm free! I'm finally free!"
* '''Bill''' General Motors would like to remind its many former employees not to think about how much all the product placement cost.
* On the appearance of [[TheScrappy the twins]].
-->'''Mike''': Oh good; twin mechanical Jar Jars.
-->'''Mudflap''': That hurt, man.
-->'''Skids''': It's supposed to hurt. It's an ass-kickin'.
-->'''Mike''': I believe that was actually the movie poster tagline for Transformers 2.
* When a poster for ''Bad Boys II'' appears on screen.
-->'''Bill''': The movie Transformers 2 would like to take this moment to remind you Michael Bay sucked 14 years ago too. We now return you to your noisy mayhem.
* During the opening:
-->'''Optimus Prime''': ...a species much like our own: capable of great compassion...
-->'''Bill''': Hey take that back [[HypocriticalHumor or I'll kill you!]]
* ''Everybody Shea!''
** Wawawawabubububububbababababababa!
** Nonononononon!
* "And now Patrick Star appears and unwraps a Krabby Patty of whoopass."
[[AC:Dark of the Moon]]
* Mike's gotten the hang of naming Transformers.
-->'''Mike''': "Arise, Decepticons! [[LukeNounverber Starchunk]]! [[ToiletHumor Thunderbucket]]! [[DopeSlap Slaptimus]]! [[{{Alien}} Bughunt]]! [[NinjaPirateZombieRobot Snaketocopter]]! And Mortimer W. Clankitybritches!"
* On Ken Jeong's bowtie-sporting character:
-->'''Mike''': If the Georges "Will" and "Takei" had a baby.
* On Starscream's death:
-->'''Sam:''' Well, he's dead.
-->'''Rifftrax:''' That would be my eulogy if I was asked to speak at Michael Bay's funeral.
* This exchange:
--> '''Shia Labeouf''': WOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHH!!!
--> '''Bill''': What's that Shia?
--> '''Shia Labeouf''': WAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
--> '''Bill''': Oh, I see!
--> '''Shia Labeouf''': WWWWOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!
--> '''Bill''': The career of Shia Labeouf summed up in five seconds, everyone.
[[/folder]]
[[folder: The Twilight Saga]]
[[AC:Twilight]]
* Right off the bat, they start arguing about vampire [[PerfectlyCromulentWord sparkliness]]:
-->'''Mike''': Thank you, and welcome once again to ''Podcast/RiffTrax'', where I am joined by Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy.
-->'''Bill''': Thank you, Mike. And may I say how happy I am that our movie, ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'', is finally telling the world something I've been saying for years: that vampires are sparkly! Ho-ho-ho, the world laughed at me and my quoteunquote "crazy ideas about vampire sparkliness", but maybe now that the truth is out, I'll get an apology! ''Kevin''.
-->'''Kevin''': I-I-I never denied their ''sparkliness'', ''Bill'', we just happen to disagree ''very'', ''very'' strongly about whether that sparkliness is a full-body sparkliness, huh? Is it sparkly between their toes? Sparkly on the bottom of their feet? Are their ''inner thighs'' sparkly? [[SeriousBusiness These are important questions, and I don't think Twilight has settled them]].
-->'''Bill''': Oh, you had to bring up the sparkly thigh thing, didn't you? When you know that it all hinges on the buttcheeks! Frankly, sir, your views on this are well outside the norm in the vampire sparkliness research community.
-->'''Kevin''': ''(gasps)'' How ''dare'' you, sir?!
-->'''Bill''': I dare!
-->'''Kevin''': My contributions to the vampire buttcheeks sparkliness research are ''renowned'', and I'll not have your slander, shame on you, sir!
-->'''Bill''': No, shame on ''you''!
-->'''Kevin''': No, shame on-!
-->'''Mike''': Okay, o-okay, okay.
* Just before the opening credits:
-->'''Bella''': And...this will be a good thing...\\
'''Mike''': ...like Hot Topic!\\
'''Bella''': ...I think.\\
'''Mike''': But what do I know? [[MarySue I'm just your typically abnormally confident, world-weary 16-year-old female protagonist, teehee!]]
* "Yeah, that's the new girl; she'll fit ''[[SarcasmMode right in]]'' driving [[SanfordAndSon Fred Sanford's truck]]!
* In the cafeteria:
-->'''Girl''': ...[[ItMakesSenseInContext we're talking Olympic sized]]!
-->'''Mike''': High school girls discussing ''[[BiggusDickus wang sizes]]''; [[DespairEventHorizon we've officially hit rock bottom, gentlemen]].
-->'''Kevin''': Shh, shh, shh! I'm trying to hear about the wang sizes!
* "'''''Llllllllllllllllllllllladies?'''''"
** "Lllllllladies." "Bill, those are guys." "Oh, well, dudes that look like llllllladies."
* "[[PunctuatedForEmphasis THIS! IS! Forks High School, home of the SPARTAns!]]"
* "The silver screen cannot contain the [[BlatantLies heated passion]] of ''Literature/{{Twilight}}!''
* "It's hard to look {{Badass}} posing next to a Volvo."
--->'''Edward''': No one will believe you!
--->'''Mike''': ...quoting directly from [[AC:The Abusive Guy's Handbook]] there.
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SE0fknMFFXg&feature=related Kevin's version]] of Edward's song to Bella.
--> '''Kevin:''' This is a ballad that I wrote just for you... ''I want to chomp into your throat''\\
''And watch you bleed out on the floor''\\
''Then I'll bathe myself in your life essence as you die''\\
''Tear your heart out of your chest''\\
''And crack the bones and suck the marrow out''\\
''Slice into your brain for sandwiches''\\
''And maybe have an omelette made of...''\\
'''Mike:''' Okay, thank you Kevin, very nice.\\
'''Kevin:''' I have more!\\
'''Bill:''' Well, sure you do, oh what a shame! The song's over!\\
* "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" [[RunningGag "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?"]] [[OverlyLongGag "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?"]]
* "It's ''fun'' being eternally damned!"
* When Edward reveals his nature to Bella for the first time:
-->'''Edward''': Say it...\\
'''Kevin''': Alright, you're a total homo!\\
'''Bill''': That's not what I meant!\\
'''Edward''': ''Out loud...''\\
'''Mike''': Okay, you're a thorough-going douche...\\
'''Bill''': No! You're not doing it right!\\
'''Mike''': A tool?\\
'''Bill''': NO!\\
'''Bella''': Vampire...\\
'''Kevin''': Close; I'm a ''metro''pire!\\
'''Edward''': Are you afraid?\\
'''Mike''': Seriously...[[DullSurprise I don't know what emotion you're going for, because you always just look nauseous]]...
* Bella is visiting the Cullens
-->'''Mike''': You like Legos? Cause I got tons of Legos ''(sic)'', I got Lego StarWars, and Power Miners, I got like a bajillion [[{{Bionicle}} Beeonicles]] ''(sic)'' too...
* "Vampires keep themselves [[WireFu harnessed to the ceilings at all times]] in case a production of ''PeterPan'' breaks out."
** "[[BrickJoke Is there a production of]] ''PeterPan''? Because ''we're'' ready!"
* "She was coached by Shia [=LeBeouf=] for this scene."
* The scene where Edward's snuck into Bella's bedroom: "What was our math homework?"
* Cafeteria scene:
--> '''Bella:''' You know, your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash.
--> '''Mike:''' And that apple you bounced off your foot is giving me hookworm.
* After Edward has saved Bella and kisses her in the hospital:
--> '''Mike:''' Aw, I-I'm weakening, guys. I mean suddenly feel very invested in their love. It's-It's my love, too. Them succeeding despite all odds means I succeed despite all odds. (Cut to a shot over a forest.) Look, beautiful trees, as-as beautiful as the love between Edward and Bella and me and their beauty and... ''[THUNK]'' Ow! ''You hit me with a phone book!''
--> '''Kevin:''' Yep.
* When Bella and Edward are practicing dancing:
-->'''Mike''': You mind if I slit my wrists right now, get ahead of the curve?\\
'''Bill''': Oh, any old time, Mike.\\
'''Kevin''': I'm surprised you haven't done it by ''now''!
* Mike, Bill, and Kevin worrying about the taxidermy animal in science room. (I'd say ItMakesSenseInContext, but...it doesn't.)
* "Typical night at JackNicholson's house, circa 1975."
* During the...well, rapidly changing scene:
-->'''Kevin''': I'm having [[ThisIsYourPremiseOnDrugs another acid flashback]], right?\\
'''Mike''': No, that's the movie.\\
'''Kevin''': So...you guys ''also'' see Jim Nabors riding a killer whale in space?\\
'''Mike''': No...\\
'''Bill''': Wish I did, though; that sounds great!
* Early scene mentioning the investigation into mysterious deaths.
---> '''Sheriff''': Well, another hiker got attacked by something in the woods.
---> '''Mike (as Sheriff)''': ... we think it was a bear because it sucked all the blood out of the corpse.
* Bill singing [[Series/TheBennyHillShow "Yakkity Sax"]] while Edward runs up the hill with Bella at superspeed.
[[AC:Twilight: New Moon]]
* As the movie opens...
-->'''Mike:''' And we're ba--\\
'''Bill:''' TEAM JACOB!\\
'''Mike:''' (disgruntled) COULD you please...?
* Bill's epic ClusterBleepBomb in the opening sequence.
-->'''Mike:''' What the hell? That's not a NEW moon, I've seen that dozens of times before! Jeez, son of a *bleep* BITCH, what the *bleep* kind of piece of *bleep* Teen Vampire bull*bleep* is this!??!
* Bella has a gift for Jacob:
--> '''Bella''': It's a little crazy...
--> '''Bill (as Bella)''': It's a statue of General Custer!
* This exchange:
--> '''Alice''': It's just a little...blood.
--> '''Mike (as Bella)''': Well it ''was'' a "little blood" until Edward flayed open my brachial artery.
* (To Bella) BOOOO! YOU SUCK! BOOOO!
* During the scene where Edward is walking through Italy to go ask the Volturi to kill him:
--> [[SaturdayNightFever "Ha, ha, ha, not stayin' alive, not stayin alive! Ha, ha, ha,]] [[NoIndoorVoice not stayin' ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!]]
* As Bella is being led away from the Volturi, passing by a group of tourists being led into their chamber. Screams are heard...
-->'''Bill''': Italian Police issued a statement today once again reiterating that, ''for the love of God'', tour groups should stop going into that Castle where all the other tour groups have been mysteriously murdered.
* Pretty much the entirety of the treatment the Volturi in terms of [[TheRockyHorrorPictureShow Frank n Furter]] esque moaning, mockery of their effeminate portrayal, and in particular their reactions to Michael Sheen whenever they are on screen. In particular this little line as Edward is about to ask them to kill him
-->'''Bill''': [[OmniscientCouncilOfVagueness The High Council of GAYness]] will see you now!
-->'''Mike and Kevin''': (effeminate groaning and moaning)
* Early on...
-->'''Edward''': (To Bella) This will be the last time you ever see me.
-->'''Mike, Bill, and Kevin''': (Triumphant cheering) Hooray! Yay!
* When Jacob first [[ShirtlessScene removes his shirt]]
-->'''Kevin''': Aaaaaannnd
-->'''All three''': Heeyo! Hey-hey-hey-babe! Aroooogah, aroogah! Hohoho!
-->'''Mike''': Mom, I didn't know you wanted to see New Moon!
-->'''Bill''': (effeminate voice): Quiet, dear, I'm trying to watch. Th-the story! The story.
** Subversely, upon Edward doffing his shirt:
---> '''Mike:''' And theaters full of shrieking teenagers learn the hard way that some things are better left to the imagination.
* The end, after a whole movie's worth of sending out mixed messages and crushing hearts:
-->'''Bella''': [to Jacob] I do love you.
-->'''Bill''': [incredulous] Sh-she ''does!?''
-->'''Mike''': [through laughter] She's not a stable girl.
* Used as a RunningGag, they keep trying to catch Bella actually making it through a sentence without a Shatnerian pause. Sometimes she actually manages what would count as a whole sentence only to continue the sentence after a long pause.
* Cliff-diving:
--> I regret not buying more shiiiiiiiiirts!\\
I regret not buying Bob more shiiiiiiiiiiiirts!\\
I regret being named Embryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!\\
Donate my torso to Abercrombie and Fiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!
* And when Bella goes cliff-diving:
--> Drowning: the only way she could get more pale and sad.
* During the beach scene, when Jacob is trying to revive Bella
--> '''Bill:''' So, you're really suggesting ''another'' film is anywhere near as iconic and love-filled as this one?
-->'''Kevin''': Well, ''yeah,'' I mean-
-->'''Bill''': WELL YOU AND ALL YOUR PETS SHOULD DIE!!!
[[AC:Twilight: Eclipse]]
-->'''Jacob''': She broke her hand...punching my face.
-->'''Kevin (As Charlie)''': Ugh, you guys went to see [[BrickJoke "Face Punch"]] again, didn't you?
* "Make as many mistakes as you can", the advice that inspired Creator/MNightShyamalan.
* Jasper flashbacking
-->'''Bella''':How do you know so much about this?
-->'''Mike''': Read the Twilight books, they blew.
-->'''Jasper''': I didn't have quite the same upbringing as my adopted siblings.
-->'''Bill''':[[SteveMartin I was born a poor black child]]
* Following an awkward conversation between Bella and Charlie.
-->'''Kevin (as Charlie)''': ...''[takes a swig from his beer]'' Work your dark magic, booze.
* Continuing the RunningGag from previous films, the guys continual irritation by Bella's inability to finish a...sentence, without pausing.
** Plus their horror at Charlie throwing in a random pause. "It's an epidemic!"
* ''[During Charlie's embarrassing marriage/sex talk with Bella]''
-->'''Bella:''' Oh my God, Dad! I'm a virgin.
-->'''Charlie:''' Daaah-d-d-duh, okay!
-->'''Kevin:''' ''[laughs]'' Dad had a [[{{Friends}} Chandler]] attack.
-->'''Bill:''' Could my daughter ''BE'' anymore of a virgin?!
* The other Running Gag of "Line?", especially when Bella is freezing in the mountains: "L-l-line?"
* [[RunningGag "Theeeres a pooooosibilityyyyyyyy"]] "Stop it!" "Come on man!"
* To the tune of "Dream Weaver," while Riley is sneaking through Bella's house:
--> '''Kevin:''' Whooooooa, dreeeeeeeamcatcher, I believe you can hang there and do nothing through the ni-hiiiiiiiiiight!
* Who's the bad guy?
--> '''Edward:''' It has to be the Volturi.
--> '''Bill:''' The Volturi: that's Chevy's new mid-sized sedan, right?
* Bella macks on Edward:
--> '''Kevin:''' Mmm...you taste like Clearasil and indecision!
* As Jacob keeps Bella warm through the night:
--> '''Edward:''' Could you at least attempt to control your thoughts?
--> '''Kevin:''' I'm tired of all the {{Glee}} spoilers!
* Any and all remarks in regards to Charlie's mustache.
** And on a related note, TEAM MUSTACHE DAD!
* A hilarious ShoutOut to TheRoom:
--> '''A vampire:''' Don't worry about it.
--> '''Bill:''' Oh hai, Twilight, I'm so glad you like saying 'don't worry about it' too.
* Even as she tries to clear things up, Bella continues to be the master of mixed messages.
-->'''Bella''': ''[to Edward]'' This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob.
-->'''Kevin''': Then what the hell was the point of the last two movies?!
-->'''Bella''': It was a choice between who I should be and who I am.
-->'''Mike''': ...What the holy hell does that ''mean?''
* After Rosalie finishes telling her story about being gang-raped, changed, and then killing her ex-fiance, Royce;
-->'''Bella''': So where's Royce now?
* The jokes about how KristenStewart always mutters her lines, occasionally rendering them almost incomprehensible
** "Opening my mouth to say lines is HARD!"
[[AC:Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt 1]]
* Before the riff was even released the trio did a [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HX_rKaeIMMw Rifftrax announcement]] of the impending riff, during which Bill leaves for a moment to pass a kidney stone just as Kevin and Mike start mocking the whole "Jacob imprints/falls in love with a baby" thing. When Bill returns holding the kidney stone in a glass jar, [[TakeThat Kevin "imprints" on it much to the other's disgust]]
* Bill singlehandedly making a RunningGag of Edward not being able to fart, until the other guys start thinking it's in the actual movie.
* "We here at Rifftrax would like to remind you that for the last three years, Bella and Jacob have been the two most popular baby names, so please, stop it."
* Priest: "Ladies and gentlemen we're gathered here today to witness the union of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan..." "Also my bible just burst into flames for some reason."
* Talking about how the book couldn't possibly be told in one film at any especially slow moment.
* "The elderly couple in ''WesternAnimation/{{Up}}'' had hotter sex than this!"
* On Sam Uley's wolf voice: "He sounds like Darth Vader trapped down a well."
* As Bella picks up a cell phone: "She tried to play Words With Friends but all she could come up with was 'Uhh?' and 'Edward!'."
* ''Everyone'' greets Jacob with "Sorry about [[http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/abduction_2011/ Abduction]]."
* "So a werewolf just fell in love with the monster baby that was ripped out of its mother's womb by the teeth of her vampire husband. Stephanie Meyer, get some help. You're very, very sick and deranged, you need to be hospitalized now."
-->What? In dog years, she's like 14 hours!
* Mike & Bill's "super gay Volturi voices".
* "Oh for the love of god, do something, you apprehensive, brain damaged...mouse-haired...sea cucumber!"
* This insight into Meyer's writing:
--> '''Carlisle''': We didn't think it (Bella's pregnancy) was even possible.
--> '''Bill''': [[TakeThat It's like someone's]] [[WritingByTheSeatOfYourPants making up the rules as she goes.]]
* "Go ahead, tell me what big teeth I have, everybody does!"
* During Bella's nightmare about her wedding day, where her human family and friends are all dead...
--->''[Bella raises her hand from her dress, and notices it's blood-stained]''
--->'''Mike:''' ''[as Bella]'' "Oh, today of ''all'' days!"
* As Bella is shaving her legs during one of the pointless montages: "Somewhere the most disturbed man in the universe is saying 'That's not the razor Bella would use'".
* When Bella calls Edward and tells him she thinks she might be pregnant:
-->'''Bill (As Edward, thinking):''' Don't. Eat. Baby.
* During the wedding, as Bella walks down the aisle—outside, in broad daylight:
-->'''Bill:''' Wait, [[FridgeLogic shouldn't the groom and, like, half of the guests be sparkling right now]]?
-->'''Mike:''' So, now you're mad when the vampires ''don't'' sparkle''!?''
-->'''Bill:''' (''frustrated'') I don't—I don't know! ''I don't what I want anymore!''
[[/folder]]
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