History Funny / PersonOfInterest

-->'''Fusco:''' What's your [[{{Mondegreen}} body]], Mr. Peabody doing?\\

** Reese then leaves to go track down the BigBad of the episode, but not before taking the knife that came with the meal he ordered - giving the POI (who winged him with a box-cutter earlier in the episode) a knowing look. Then he grabs the fork as well.

-->'''Fusco''': Were there were shots fired?
-->'''Reese''': ''[draws his sidearm and fires several shots into the wall]'' There were now!

--> '''Reese''': Where did you come from?
--> '''Finch''': I breached the space-time continuum.
--> '''Reese''': ......
--> '''Finch''': Not really.

** Reese and Finch hack into the all the wireless networks in an apartment building so they can spy on the residents, one of whom is a young female doing yoga in full view of her webcam. In her underwear. She's... "healthy." Cue ''hilarious'' synchronized [[HeadTiltinglyKinky headtilt]].
** This blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment where Reese creates a diversion, breaking the sink to distract Trask so Finch can investigate. Reese's smirk following Trask's comment is what makes this.

** Reese gets close to the lawyer he's investigating under the guise of suing his employer for work related injuries; she asks what his boss is like, and he proceeds to describe Finch (who he knows is listening in on the conversation) in unflattering terms.

** Reese and Finch play daddy to a six month old.

** Believeing Reese is a cop the bad guys try to bribe him into letting them kill Leon.
-->'''Reese:'''"You know, the guy who owned this badge would probably have accepted that deal. But I'm not him."
-->'''Leon:'''"So who are you?"
-->'''Reese:'''"The guy who shot him and stole his badge."

-->'''Fusco''': Lemme mull that one over for a sec.
-->'''Villain''': ''[looks confused until Carter hits him with a car]''
-->'''Fusco''': Yep. I'm pretty sure I can outrun you!

** Also, Finch recruiting Fusco to do John's work. HilarityEnsues. The show repeatedly {{Gilligan Cut}}s to his numerous misfortunes at random, which include getting pepper sprayed in the eyes while trying to explain his job, an epic shootout, and the gem of the crown: The ''freaking lingerie model'' falling in love with our [[KavorkaMan short, stubby]] [[JerkWithAHeartOfGold lovable heroic policeman]]. '''She kisses him.''' Cue Fusco completely freezing in absolute shock.

-->'''Reese''': Can you do me a favor? Can you not shoot me this time?
-->'''Shaw''': Give me a good reason.
-->'''Reese''': [[DeadpanSnarker I don't know, I'm a really nice person]]. And well, that. ''[points towards the poison syringe stuck in her back]''

-->'''Reese:''' A drug smuggler shot at me with a speargun last night.
-->'''Finch:''' Is that a first for you?
-->'''Reese:''' ''[{{beat}}]'' [[NoodleIncident I wish I could say yes.]]

-->'''Leon:''' It's not technically a crime to scam a scammer.
-->'''Nigerian:''' But it ''is'' a crime to cut out a man's intestines and make him wear them as a hat.
-->'''Leon:''' Wait... you-you plan to kill me?
-->''' Nigerian:''' ...Probably.

-->'''The Machine''': [[AC:Two hundred yards right.]]
-->'''Reese''': Two hundred yards, turn right.
-->'''Shaw''': What right, John?
-->'''John''': You gotta trust, Shaw.

-->'''Finch''': ''[standing in the library looking perturbed]'' Mr Reese? Everything all right?
-->'''Reese''': Just shore leave, Finch. ''[gets hit with a bar stool]''

-->'''Shaw:''' Really? ''A yoga instructor?''
-->'''Reese:''' You'd prefer trained killer?
-->''[Shaw looks at him as if to say "[[BluntYes Yeah]]!"]''

-->'''Reese:''' You'll have to use your charm Shaw, not your sidearm.
-->'''Finch:''' I hope that's not going to be a problem.
-->'''Shaw:''' What's that supposed to mean? I don't look good? Cause I think I look good.
-->'''Reese:''' You look fine Shaw. You just look angry, all the time.
-->'''Carter:''' We'll work on it in the car.

-->'''Shaw:''' I clocked you and Zoe right off the bat, but I never thought you and Carter...
-->'''Reese:''' We're ''{{just friends}}.''

-->'''Nicole:''' [[MisaimedFandom Nabokov faced some unique challenges writing so honestly about forbidden love.]]
-->'''Shaw:''' Speaking of forbidden love, [[{{Anvilicious}} did you frame Vanessa for Jeremy's murder because you were sleeping with him?]]
-->'''Nicole:''' (flustered) Uh--
-->'''Shaw:''' Sorry. Not Jeremy. "Hotstuff."
-->'''Nicole:''' I didn't-- I--
-->''(Shaw gets her gun out from her purse and chambers a round; everybody but her gasps.)''
-->'''Shaw:''' Up to me, [[RunningGag I'd shoot your sorry ass.]] Unfortunately, it's not, so I have to protect you, because your best friend might be on her way here to kill you. ''Now...'' [[DangerDeadpan what's this book about?]]

-->'''Old man:''' Oh, that's not good. The little wheel's spinning. I'll just, uh, restart.
-->*Shaw's expression turns murderous as she reaches for a letter opener on the man's desk*
-->*Fusco hastily intervenes*
-->'''Fusco:''' Even for you, stabbing a senior would be a new low.
-->'''Shaw:''' You don't know that.

--->'''Reese:''' Finch, you're gonna love this. Shaw just got made by a ten year old!\\

** Shaw asking Finch if he knows anything about chemistry. He simply says "Enough" with a EvilGrin growing across his face. Next scene the drug factory Shaw's in [[StuffBlowingUp explodes]].

** Reese teasing Finch at the hypnotist's:

*** The best part is, Reese's delivery is so deadpan it isn't clear if he's [[DeadpanSnarker snarking]] or he's ''actually done so''.

*** Reese then leaves to go track down the BigBad of the episode, but not before taking the knife that came with the meal he ordered - giving the POI (who winged him with a box-cutter earlier in the episode) a knowing look. Then he grabs the fork as well.

** Finch makes the grave mistake of giving Bear a [[DarthWiki/MostAnnoyingSound squeaky toy that annoys him to no end.]] How does he fix this? Remove the squeaker.

** Finch makes the grave mistake of giving Bear a [[MostAnnoyingSound squeaky toy that annoys him to no end.]] How does he fix this? Remove the squeaker.

-->'''Reese''': Do I owe you money? Because I'm uh...''[flaps the ragged coat he's wearing]'' a little short at the moment.

** In that same episode, it's revealed that [[spoiler:Finch invented online social networking]].

-->'''Reese''': No, but they taste good.

* In "Proteus" a red herring in the search for [[spoiler:a serial killer leads to a smuggler instead. After dealing with it in his own inimitable fashion, Reese begins dragging the now unconscious smuggler away, griping all the way.]]
-->'''Reese:''' Unbelievable. [[spoiler:We're hunting a killer. Instead we get amateur drug night in the sticks.]]

-->'''Reese''': A drug smuggler shot at me with a speargun last night.
-->'''Finch''': Is that a first for you?
-->'''Reese''': ''[{{beat}}]'' [[NoodleIncident I wish I could say yes.]]

-->'''Finch''': I ''am'' handi-capable.

* In "Trojan Horse" [[spoiler:Shaw shows up at the library.]] And the highly trained attack dog... welcomes her, and then goes back to his bed.

** The Machine, [[spoiler:after rebooting]], sends Reese and Shaw on various live-saving errands before they can rescue Finch. One of which is an angry man [[IfICantHaveYou pointing a gun at his ex and her new husband at their wedding]]. They drive up, Reese shoots him in the arm, and then congratulates the couple before driving off. This is also qualifies as one of the few times he raises his voice.

** The shot of [[spoiler:Finch, Shaw, Fusco, and Root]] all crammed into Harold's Lincoln is a sight to behold.

** Reese tackles a mook out of a window [[spoiler:and down a four story drop. Shaw and Fusco are completely lost for words.]] Bonus points, a moment later Reese gets up as if nothing happened, looks up at Shaw and Fusco, and shrugs like it's no big deal.
-->'''Fusco''': Hope that guy has health insurance.

** Team Machine has escaped to New Jersey [[spoiler:to be outside of Samaritan's feeds]] and are in a restaurant.

-->'''Casey''': You're that government hitman [[ItMakesSenseInContext that made me pull out my molars!]]\\
'''Greenfield''': That's messed up.\\
'''Reese''': Relax, Casey, I'm retired. ''[Casey doesn't look any less scared]''

-->'''Hersh''': Why would I trust you?\\
'''Reese''': [[IfIWantedYouDead I haven't shot you yet, and you did try to kill me.]]\\
'''Shaw''': Well he ''did'' kill me.\\
'''Hersh''': [[JustFollowingOrders Those were my orders.]] Besides, you got me back, Shaw.\\
'''Shaw''': Oh, not even close! I drugged you! I left you with your heart still beating!\\
'''Hersh''': I think we're getting off topic...

-->'''Finch:''' ''[[[spoiler:after being shot and patched up by Reese]]]'' Why would you ever choose a career where this is an occupational hazard?\\

** Shaw calls [[TheBigGuy Mini]] ([[spoiler:Dominic]]) "Supersize" after she confronts him inside the ambulance. In addition, there's also his response to Shaw asking his name:

** [[spoiler:Martine]] pulls a handgun on Shaw. Shaw pulls out a ''submachine gun'' [[spoiler:from her makeup station]] in response.

** After Fusco successfully screws over [[spoiler:Martine Rousseau with some JurisdictionFriction by claiming a good relationship with her supervisor and saying maybe she isn't read in on the joint task force]], he's worriedly contacted by Finch.

'''Martine''': Shaw's making it hard for me. How about you tell me where she is and I kill you together? ''[sound of bolt being pulled back and Reese pops out of a choir box with a sniper rifle]''\\
'''Reese''': I don't think she's going to take you up on that offer.\\

-->'''Root''': You don't want to carpool?\\
'''Lambert''': I'm afraid only two people are invited to this gala. And I'm not one of them.

** While running a simulation [[spoiler:for the third strategy it's considering]], the Machine starts running low on time, so it [[TropeName replaces all dialogue with a]] [[BlahBlahBlah rough description of what everyone would say]]:

** Fusco gives Root a BigDamnKiss. ''[[spoiler:The Machine came up with this.]]''

'''Fusco:''' [[LampshadeHanging Why not?]] [[spoiler:We're in a simulation.]]\\

** Finch's mortification when a rare painting is destroyed. [[spoiler:Every time he's there to see it happen. So much so that the Machine makes sure to instruct Root to take it down just before it gets shot in reality.]]

** The jury is sequestered after [[spoiler: Finch swings to the lone holdout when they find out that the trial is being fixed towards a conviction, not an acquittal]], leaving Finch with no way to contact the others. He starts taking apart the ''thermostat'' to try to find an internet link. Cue a laser dot appearing on the wall of his room. Finch ducks, thinking a sniper's got him in his gunsights. It turns out to to be John...pointing a sniper rifle at his room. Using the laser sight to signal in Morse code.

-->'''Fusco''': [[CallingYourAttacks Right hook, left cross!]]\\
'''Anna''': Nice body shot. Cross could use some work.\\
'''Fusco''': Stand him up; I'll go again.

** Iris [[spoiler:tells Reese that she has feelings for him.]] She gets flustered and starts rambling while Reese stands there looking confused and manages monosyllabic responses.
-->'''Iris:''' [[spoiler:I have feelings for you, John.]]\\

'''Iris:''' [[spoiler: Which is inappropriate. Wrong. Completely unethical. I can't have a relationship with even an ex-patient.]] It's so wrong, [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking it's like a cop dating a fireman]], it's that bad.\\

** While [[spoiler: beating the living daylights out of Martine and then throttling her]] Root finds the time to lampshade her new hair color:

** In an otherwise depressing sequence, [[spoiler:Hallucination!Carter]] cracking up laughing at the thought of Reese as a cop.

** This summary of the show's premise that Root gives to Finch after they get a call from [[spoiler:Shaw]]. A perfect example of something that [[ItMakesSenseInContext makes more sense in context]]:

** For such a [[NightmareFuel disturbing]] and {{nausea|Fuel}}ting episode, there's this gem between Greer and a Samaritan technician at the very end, after [[spoiler:the simulation ends]]:

-->'''Finch''': ''[{{beat}}]'' ''[in an Irish accent]'' Should help me see the ceremony.

-->'''Reese''': ''[clearly not sorry]'' Oops.

** Shaw's back to knocking out her nurse and threatening Lambert, mentioning that [[KickTheSonOfABitch "it's so fun getting you shot a thousand different ways."]] Lambert orders two mooks to disarm her and bandage her hand (from a broken shard of glass) and neither one wants to take on [[ActionGirl Shaw.]] [[spoiler: Too bad it's not a simulation this time.]]

-->'''Reese''': Color me surprised.

** Shaw's [[spoiler:actual escape]] was equal parts hilarious and awesome.

** A comment from Amy Acker during "Asylum", shortly after Root kills [[spoiler:Martine Rousseau]] with a NeckSnap:

** In an otherwise serious scene, Simmons' quip in response to Carter's "[[EtTuBrute I'll spare you the Shakespeare quote]]": "[[{{Hamlet}} To be or not to be]], [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]."

** Then he [[CrowningMomentOfAwesome demonstrates it to them]]. And takes the guns they were looking at, to keep them out of the hands of people so clearly inexperienced in safe handling.

** The Machine, [[spoiler:after rebooting]], sends Reese and Shaw on various live-saving errands before they can rescue Finch. One of which is an angry man [[IfICantHaveYou pointing a gun at his ex and her new husband at their wedding]]. They drive up, Reese shoots him in the arm, and then congratulates the couple before driving off.

-->"And it had ''better'' not be decaff."

** The wireless router the Machine sends Shaw and Reese to steal belonged to ''Edward Snowden.''

-->'''Shaw''': There's a time for a scalpel, and a time for a hammer. [[MCHammer It's hammer time]].

** The attractive woman in Finch's class obviously thinking she can [[SextraCredit solicit him for a better grade]], only to brusquely get up and leave the class when he informs everyone all grades are final.

'''Shaw:''' Alright, here's the plan: I'm gonna drive, Reese sits in the back, while you [Hersh] ride shotgun. Agreed?

** Shaw realizes she needs a method of transportation. Cue Hersh simply firing in the air and stealing a terrified passerby's bike unceremoniously. This is even funnier when you realize this is a CallBack to how he got himself in jail to get to Reese. So it seems like Hersh's [[YourAnswerToEverything answer for everything]] is to just shoot into the air.

** Reese tackles a mook out of a window [[spoiler:and down a four story drop. Shaw and Fusco are completely lost for words]]

'''Reese''': [[CallBack Subway, thugs...]][[Recap/PersonOfInterest0101 kinda reminds me of the first time we met!]]

-->'''Fusco:'''I don't care who you are. You break into my house again, you're gonna be sorry.\\
'''Shaw:'''I'm already sorry. I'm gonna have to listen to your whiny ass all the way to Queens.\\
'''Fusco:'''Me? You know the dog's the only one that likes you, right?

** From the beginning of the episode, when Finch and Reese foil an attempted theft at the veterinarian's, with Bear's help:
-->'''Dr. Jensen:''' I don't know how to thank you.
-->''[beat]''
-->'''Finch:''' One of those expensive chew toys you have for sale at reception would help.

-->'''Root''': Sorry about that.
-->'''Shaw''': Which part, the tasing, the drugging or whatever this is?
-->'''Root''': I had to make sure you'd hear me out. She needs our help and...I figured you wouldn't come willingly.