History Funny / PattonOswalt

* Describing his college course "[[https://youtu.be/XSo4sxQGqT4 Physics for Poets]]," designed to get the liberal arts students through a bare minimum of science credits, and taught by the head of the department [[SurroundedByIdiots whose hatred for them was palpable]]. During the final exam and in a last-ditch attempt to reach out to the class, he put a ''Franchise/StarTrek''-based distance and velocity problem up on the board that involved Ensign Chekov firing phasers from the ''Enterprise'' at a Romulan ship. Cue Patton angrily confronting him about the problem because [[spoiler: [[FanDumb Sulu is the one who fires the phasers]].]]

--->'''Patton''': After a while, the audience would watch the magician... then they'd look back at me... then they'd look back at him. Trying to piece it- "Is this some kinda [[TrueArtIsIncomprehensible avant garde]], [[GermanicDepressives German theater]] bullshit where a magician goes up and yells at us, and then [[SelfDeprecation they dress a lesbian in boy's clothing]] in the back of the room, and she sits cackling in the darkness like a half-remembered nightmare through a cracked mirror of regret? 'Cause if that's what the fuck this is, [[SeenItAll I seen it done better]], that's all I'm sayin'."

--->'''Patton''': After a while, the audience would watch the magician... then they'd look back at me... then they'd look back at him. Trying to piece it- "Is this some kinda avant garde, [[GermanicDepressives German theater]] bullshit where a magician goes up and yells at us, and then [[SelfDeprecation they dress a lesbian in boy's clothing]] in the back of the room, and she sits cackling in the darkness like a half-remembered nightmare through a cracked mirror of regret? 'Cause if that's what the fuck this is, [[SeenItAll I seen it done better]], that's all I'm sayin'."

--->'''Patton''': After a while, the audience would watch the magician... then they'd look back at me... then they'd look back at him. Trying to piece it tog- "Is this some kinda avant garde, [[GermanicDepressives German theater]] bullshit where a magician goes up and yells at us, and then [[SelfDeprecation they dress a lesbian in boy's clothing]] in the back of the room, and she sits cackling in the darkness like a half-remembered nightmare through a cracked mirror of regret? 'Cause if that's what the fuck this is, [[SeenItAll I seen it done better]], that's all I'm sayin'."

--->'''Patton''': After a while, the audience would watch the magician... then they'd look back at me... then they'd look back at him. Trying to piece it tog- "Is this some kinda avant garde, [[GermanicDepressives German theater]] bullshit where a magician goes up and yells at us, and then they dress a lesbian in boy's clothing in the back of the room, and she sits cackling in the darkness like a half-remembered nightmare through a cracked mirror of regret? 'Cause if that's what the fuck this is, [[SeenItAll I seen it done better]], that's all I'm sayin'."

-->'''Patton:''' I thought that to piss off a warlock you had to burn down his village or kill his familiar, but ''nope!'' Five dollars. Twenty quarters! Twenty games of Galaga, and he will invoke a thorny doom from beneath the crust of the Earth--OKAAAAAAAY!

* Describing his college course "[[https://youtu.be/XSo4sxQGqT4 Physics for Poets]]," designed to get the liberal arts students through a bare minimum of science credits, and taught by the head of the department [[SurroundedByIdiiots whose hatred for them was palpable]]. During the final exam and in a last-ditch attempt to reach out to the class, he put a ''Franchise/StarTrek''-based distance and velocity problem up on the board that involved Ensign Chekov firing phasers from the ''Enterprise'' at a Romulan ship. Cue Patton angrily confronting him about the problem because [[spoiler: [[FanDumb Sulu is the one who fires the phasers]].]]

* Describing his college course "[[https://youtu.be/XSo4sxQGqT4 Physics for Poets]]," designed to get the liberal arts students through a bare minimum of science credits, and taught by the head of the department whose hatred for them was palpable. During the final exam and in a last-ditch attempt to reach out to the class, he put a ''Franchise/StarTrek''-based distance and velocity problem up on the board that involved Ensign Chekov firing phasers from the ''Enterprise'' at a Romulan ship. Cue Patton angrily confronting him about the problem because [[spoiler: [[FanDumb Sulu is the one who fires the phasers]].]]

** The second bit has him stop himself after saying "For some reason" he's tied to the product, immediately hanging a lampshade that there's a very ''good'' reason he's associated with it, and calls himself out for being disingenuous about it.

-->'''Patton:''' I thought that to piss off a warlock you had to burn down his village or kill his familiar, but ''nope!'' Five dollars. FIVE. DOLLARS.

* In one of his earlier albums, Patton recounts going to New York and being sad when he got back to L.A., because New York seemed way nicer and more authentic in a way that made L.A. seem even more fake. However, he qualifies it with "I know if I lived there, I'd probably hate it." Years later, the closing bit on his special ''Finest Hour'' is a 7-minute recounting of what a hellhole city New York is (as he moved there for a month). Aside from being HilariousInHindsight, the bit itself is fantastic.

-->'''Patton''': I missed the part of Literature/TheBible where Jesus was really bitchy and catty about people's footwear... when they get to the pearly gates: "Oh, you're not getting into Heaven in those, honey, no, I'm sorry. I died for your sins, but those pumps are ''unforgivable!''" Turned into Creator/PaulLinde all of a sudden...

-->'''Patton''': I missed the part of Literature/TheBible where Jesus was really bitchy and catty about people's footwear... when they get to the pearly gates: "Oh, you're not getting into Heaven in those, honey, no, I'm sorry. I died for your sins, but those pumps are ''unforgivable!''"

* Patton ''destroys'' the song "Christmas Shoes." [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq10bz3PxyY Animated for your viewing pleasure.]] The real crowner comes when he puts on a Charles Nelson Reilly-esque singsong to mock the song's bizarre idea of Jesus caring about what shoes the kid's mother has on when she meets him:
-->'''Patton''': I missed the part of Literature/TheBible where Jesus was really bitchy and catty about people's footwear... when they get to the pearly gates: "You're not getting into Heaven in those, honey, no, I'm sorry. I died for your sins, but those pumps are ''unforgivable!''"

** This troper has repeated this joke in real-life more than once, and real Trekkies always start thinking halfway through "Wait a minute, doesn't Sulu fire the phasers?"

* Patton ''destroys'' the song "Christmas Shoes." [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq10bz3PxyY Animated for your viewing pleasure.]]
-->'''Patton''': I missed the part of Literature/TheBible where Jesus was really bitchy and catty about people's footwear... when they get to the pearly gates:\\
'''"Jesus"''': You're not getting into Heaven in those, honey, no, I'm sorry. I died for your sins, but those pumps are ''unforgivable~''

* Piers Morgan tried to organize a "men's march" on Twitter. Then Patton responded to it. There was nothing left except a massive scorch mark on the pavement. Equally [[Awesome/PattonOswalt awesome]], too.

-->'''Patton''': I missed the part of Literature/TheBible where Jesus was really bitchy and catty about people's footwear...when they get to the pearly gates:\\

-->'''Patton''': I missed the part of Literature/TheBible where Jesus was catty and bitchy about people's footwear! At the pearly gates:\\
'''"Jesus"''': You're not getting into Heaven in those, honey. I'm sorry. I died for your sins, but those pumps are ''unforgivable~''

-->'''Patton''': I missed the part of Literature/TheBible where Jesus was catty and bitchy about people's footwear!\\
'''"Jesus"''': You're not getting in in those, honey. I'm sorry. I died for your sins, but those pumps are ''unforgivable~''

-->'''"Jesus"''': I died for your sins, but those pumps are ''unforgivable~''

* Describing his college course "Physics for Poets," designed to get the liberal arts students through a bare minimum of science credits, and taught by the head of the department whose hatred for them was palpable. During the final exam and in a last-ditch attempt to reach out to the class, he put a ''Franchise/StarTrek''-based distance and velocity problem up on the board that involved Ensign Chekov firing phasers from the ''Enterprise'' at a Romulan ship. Cue Patton angrily confronting him about the problem because [[spoiler:Sulu is the one who fires the phasers.]]