History Funny / NightCourt

''(everyone besides Dan scrambles for the exits as well)''

--->'''Christine:''' Oh, what the hell, ''someone'' has to ask! How'd she die?\\

'''Harry:''' That's it?\\
'''Bob:''' Yeah...[[CrossesTheLineTwice on the railroad tracks]].\\

* "Her Honor, Part 1": [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrLvtoKZfxY Bob and June Wheeler make a return visit to the court.]] HilarityEnsues. The dialogue starts by hilariously tiptoeing around the basic offense that they damaged the neighbor's yard with an explosion:
--> '''Mac:''' They were picked up on a [[LoonyLaws 509(b) violation]], sir.\\

'''Bob:''' We were seduced by the glamour of it all.

* When the state announces it didn't meet the budget deadline and state employees won't get paid, Dan flips out and tosses the mini-television they heard this on out the window screaming that he only has twelve cents in the bank.

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrLvtoKZfxY Bob and June Wheeler make a return visit to the court.]] HilarityEnsues. The dialogue starts by hilariously tiptoeing around the basic offense that they damaged the neighbor's yard with an explosion:

* [[https://youtu.be/mbadZwKxr5s When Dan gets news about having his sperm test's results mixed up with another patient's]]:

--->'''Dan''' What do you got in there? A dead rat and a pack of Necco Wafers?\\

-->'''Dan:''' [[ExtremeLibido I haven't had sex for two weeks... it's 3:00 in the morning, and I don't have a date!]] ''(leers at a cafeteria table where Harry and company are sitting)''\\

'''Harry:''' So where are you guys from?\\

'''Bob:''' Yugoslavia.\\

'''Christine:''' Due to the...pathetic circumstances, I move for a dismissal.\\

''(that last line prompts not only John Larroquette to turn his head away as [[{{Corpsing}} he struggles to hold himself together, Harry turns his head away with a semi FacePalm with how ridiculous this sounds]])''.

-->'''Harry:''' So where are you guys from?
-->'''June:''' Isn't it obvious from our accents?
-->'''Harry:''' You mean...
-->'''Bob:''' Yugoslavia.

-->'''Christine:''' Due to the...pathetic circumstances, I move for a dismissal.
-->'''Harry:''' Prosecution?
-->'''Dan:''' ...Let's just hang them, put them out of their misery...

--> '''Roz:''' What's that behind your back?
--> '''Dan:''' ({{Beat}}) ''New Jersey!''

--> '''Dan:''' It's not what you think! I'm paying him!
--> '''Major Savage:''' ({{Beat}}) That's even ''MORE'' disgusting!

-->'''Dan:''' He knows ''everything!'' Every lie, every sleazy deal, things I never told ''anyone!''
-->'''Mac:''' Except me!
-->'''Dan:''' [...] You. You? YOU!!! Oh ''thank God!!'' [keels over]

-->'''Dan:''' WHY?!
-->'''Mac:''' (barely repressing a giggle) The Devil made me do it.

--> '''Christine:''' Something tells me this guy's gone way beyond white-collar.
--> '''Dan:''' Don't be silly. He's only wanted for... ''(reads rap sheet)'' performing plastic surgery without a license.
--> '''Christine:''' ''(takes rap sheet, continues reading)'' ...and [[BodyHorror without anesthesia]]... and [[CrossesTheLineTwice without permission!]]

--> '''Harry:''' If you'd had the chance to name me, what would it have been?
--> '''Buddy:''' Oh, that's easy! I would have named you Mel!
--> '''Harry:''' Really?!
--> '''Buddy:''' The greatest voice in the world!
--> '''Harry:''' You would have named me after MelTorme ?!
--> '''Buddy:''' No! Creator/MelBlanc!

--->'''Dan:''' Ah, there's a picture. You two hunched over a big vat of pink, juice wigglers.\\

''(that last line prompts John Larroquette to turn his head away as [[{{Corpsing}} he struggles to hold himself together]])''.
** Finally hearing enough, Harry demands they cut to the chase; Dan explains the actual offense ("Destruction of neighboring property, sir, to the tune of about 85 bucks.") and Harry decides to just let them off with paying for the damages. Christine asks if paying will be an issue, and they then reveal that the coffee can they carried into the courtroom ''[[AMacGuffinFullOfMoney was full of money]]''.

* [[https://youtu.be/mbadZwKxr5s When Dan gets news about having a sperm test's results mixed up with another patient's]]:
-->'''Dan:''' I haven't had sex for two weeks... it's 3:00 in the morning, and I don't have a date! ''(leers at a cafeteria table where Harry and company are sitting)''\\

''(all the women in the cafeteria scramble for the exits; Dan still leers at Harry, Bull, and Mac)''\\

'''Dan:''' ''[[StuffBlowingUp Quiche]]'', yes, sir. It seems as though Darla and Alfalfa here got an incubator with a faulty shutoff vale.\\

-->'''Dan:''' Ah, there's a picture. You two hunched over a big vat of pink, juice wigglers.\\

-->'''Christine:''' Oh, what the hell, ''someone'' has to ask! How'd she die?\\

-->'''Dan''' What do you got in there? A dead rat and a pack of Necco Wafers?\\

** Finally hearing enough, Harry demands they cut to the chase; Dan explains the actual offense ("85 dollars' worth of destruction of neighboring property") and Harry decides to just let them off with paying for the damages. Christine asks if paying will be an issue, and they then reveal that the coffee can they carried into the courtroom ''[[AMacGuffinFullOfMoney was full of money]]''.

''Bob:'' It was a nightmare. The god-awful smell of meringue. The blood-curdling peeping.

'''Bob:''' Yeah...[[CrossesTheLineTwice on the railroad tracks.]]\\

-->'''Dan''' What do you got in there? A dead rat and a pack of Necco Wafers?
-->'''Bob:''' No. $250,000.
-->''(June opens the can; Dan gasps like a little girl)''
-->'''Bob:''' [[IronicEcho We ate the Necco Wafers.]]

-->'''Harry''': So where are you guys from?
-->'''June''': Isn't it obvious from our accents?
-->'''Harry''': You mean...
-->'''Bob''': Yugoslavia.

-->'''Christine''': Due to the...pathetic circumstances, I move for a dismissal.
-->'''Harry''': Prosecution?
-->'''Dan''': ...Let's just hang them, put them out of their misery...

--> '''Harry''': I am going to '''''[[GoshdangItToHeck Eat...His...Eyebrows!]]'''''

--> '''Christine''': Something tells me this guy's gone way beyond white-collar.
--> '''Dan''': Don't be silly. He's only wanted for... ''(reads rap sheet)'' performing plastic surgery without a license.
--> '''Christine''': ''(takes rap sheet, continues reading)'' ...and [[BodyHorror without anesthesia]]... and [[CrossesTheLineTwice without permission!]]

--> '''Dan''': I don't know what came over me. Harry, I'm sorry about your TV.\\
'''Christine''': Let me tell him.\\
'''Dan''': Tell me what?\\
'''Christine''': It was Bull's.\\
'''Dan''': Aaaaah! ''[Bull angrily gets up and begins advancing on Dan]'' He's getting up... He's coming over here! ''[Dan spins around to face Bull]'' Money or revenge?\\

---> '''Yakov''': Mr. Fielding! You would do this for me?\\
'''Dan''': I'd sooner do it WITH you.\\
'''Yakov''': ''(beat)'' Well, if you think it would help...\\
'''Dan''': NO!

--->'''Bull''': Sorry. I guess she wasn't interested.\\

'''Johnny Carson''': I'm sorry to hear that.\\
'''Bull''': Excuse me, but aren't you married now?\\
'''Johnny Carson''': ''(confused)'' I - I don't know.[[note]] He was; the marriage was his fourth and last.[[/note]]

--->'''Christine''': You're not going to be nervous because... (sultry) I want to be your love slave.\\
'''Bull''': Say, that IS good news!\\
'''Christine''': No, Bull. You don't understand... (slowly and deliberately) I want to be your love slave!\\
'''Bull''': Christine, you're making my brain sweat!

--> '''Harry''': If you'd had the chance to name me, what would it have been?
--> '''Buddy''': Oh, that's easy! I would have named you Mel!
--> '''Harry''': Really?!
--> '''Buddy''': The greatest voice in the world!
--> '''Harry''': You would have named me after MelTorme ?!
--> '''Buddy''': No! Creator/MelBlanc!

-->'''Bull''': [[MuggingTheMonster People rob banks.]]

--> '''Mac''': They were picked up on a [[LoonyLaws 509(b) violation]], sir.\\
'''Harry''': 509?\\
'''Mac''': Uh-huh.\\
'''Harry''': (b)?\\
'''Mac''': Yeah.\\
'''Harry''': I don't believe I'm familiar with that one.\\
'''Dan''': Well, sir, it's not used in Manhattan very much. It involves the illegal detonation of ''[[CluckingFunny poultry]]''.\\
'''Harry''': Excuse me, but I didn't think that ''chickens'' were among our more-widely-used explosives.\\
'''Christine''': Sir, the Wheelers were merely trying their hand at egg-farming. They ran into a bit of difficulty with a [[PlayingWithFire propane-powered incubator]].\\
'''Harry''': So all the would-be chicks are now...\\
'''Dan''': ''[[StuffBlowingUp Quiche]]'', yes, sir.

--> '''Bob''': We were seduced by the glamour of it all.

-->'''Christine''': Oh, what the hell, ''someone'' has to ask! How'd she die?
-->'''Bob''': She passed away in her sleep.
-->'''Harry''': That's it?
-->'''Bob''': Yeah...[[CrossesTheLineTwice On the railroad tracks.]]
*** At that last line John Larroquette turns his head away and is [[{{Corpsing}} barely holding it together]].
** Finally hearing enough, Harry demands they cut to the chase; Dan explains the actual offense ("''Destruction of neighboring property, sir, to the tune of about $85.''") and Harry decides to just let them off with paying for the damages. Christine asks if paying will be an issue, and they then reveal that the coffee can they carried into the courtroom ''[[AMacGuffinFullOfMoney was full of money]]''.

-->'''Bob''': No. 250,000 dollars.
-->'''June opens the can, Dan gasps like a little girl'''
-->'''Bob''': We ate the Necco Wafers.

'''Harry:''' ''({{Beat}} looks around)'' Better safe than sorry, guys!\\

-->'''Bull''': Murray! I told you to wait in the car!

-->'''June''': She passed on in her sleep.

** Why Bob and June tried their hand at worm farming:

--> '''Bob''': We were seduced by the glamour if it all.

--> '''Buddy''': No! MelBlanc!

-->''(chuckles)'' Ah yes, poor Dan. Most of his friends think he's guilty ''(EvilLaugh, suddenly stops)'' What am I laughing at? I'm Dan. No, I'm not. ''(starts wandering around the room waving his hands)'' Now, I am the Phantom of the Courthouse. And no, Inspector Pepitone, you will not bring Dan Fielding to justice because there is no ''(billow cape)'' '''jus-tice''' in this '''buil-ding''' ''(EvilLaugh)''. Not yet anyway. But soon I will remedy that, ''(raises cape with both hands)'' I will vanquish the guilty! I will punish the '''wick-ed!''' ''(rushes to the desk)'' I will take this stapler because I need one. And, I will raid the refrigerator, ''(laugh)'' because the Phantom's lair is short on '''half and half!''' Now I must prepare, because my time is near. The time of... the Phantom! ''(EvilLaugh, runs into the couch)'' '''Ouch!''' ''(sad voice)'' The Phantom banged his shin. ''(waves hands)'' I'll have to take that out... on someone. ''({{Sting}}, Dan climbs out the window)''

-->''(chuckles)'' Ah yes, poor Dan. Most of his friends think he's guilty ''(EvilLaugh, suddenly stops)'' What am I laughing at? I'm Dan. No, I'm not. ''(starts wandering around the room waving his hands)'' Now, I am the Phantom of the Courthouse. And no, Inspector Pepitone you will not bring Dan Fielding to justice because there is no ''(billow cape)'' '''jus-tice''' in this '''buil-ding''' ''(EvilLaugh)''. Not yet anyway. But soon I will remedy that, ''(raises cape with both hands)'' I will vanquish the guilty! I will punish the '''wick-ed!''' ''(rushes to the desk)'' I will take this stapler because I need one. And, I will raid the refrigerator, ''(laugh)'' because the Phantom's lair is short on '''half and half!''' Now I must prepare, because my time is near. The time of... the Phantom! ''(EvilLaugh, runs into the couch)'' '''Ouch!''' ''(sad voice)'' The Phantom banged his shin. ''(waves hands)'' I'll have to take that out... on someone. ''({{Sting}}, Dan climbs out the window)''

'''Bull''': Murray! I told you to wait in the car!

* In one episode, a ClipShow, the framing device is that Harry is under investigation by the state for the numerous expenses he has incurred during his tenure. He and the rest of the cast describe the bizarre things that have taken place in his courtroom, leading to these expenses. At the end, the state investigator tells them all that he will report them for perpetrating such a massive fraud, only for a herd of elephants to promptly stampede through the courtroom. Shaken, the investigator says, "I believe everything you say."

-->'''Bob''': Yeah...[[CrossesTheLineTwice On the railway tracks.]]

* In ''Constitution, Part 2'', as Dan is trying to administer an insulin shot to a hallucinating Roz, while she is standing on a roof ledge.

* In ''Yet Another Day In The Life'', an entire case was carried out in Seussian verse. For reference the case is about a mother assaulting Dr Seuss {{Expy}} Doctor Wiggles when her son broke his arm imitating "the Snurt", a character from Wiggle's book "Fleas In Your Trees, No Sneezes Please".

* In ''Danny Got His Gun, Part 1'', Dan - who is in the US Army Reserves - is called into active duty. Fearful that he is going to be sent into a war zone, Dan tries to provoke Bull into injuring him so he's unfit for combat duty. However Bull was on to him and refused to take the bait. Among the many insults he throws at Bull...

* The Season 5 Halloween episode ''Safe'' has Dan thinking that he has literally sold his soul to the devil, leading to:

* In ''Earthquake'', as Harry complains about the monotony of the cases being brought before him recently, two sumo wrestlers in full costume are escorted in.

* From the first episode:
--> '''"The Defense wants Heads, Your Honor!"'''
** To expand, Harry had been making decisions by flipping a coin, which he chose to refer to as "The Coin of Justice", such as saying that if the coin came up "Heads", he'd remain a judge, and "Tails", he'd resign. Then he told [[HookerWithAHeartOfGold Carla B.]] that if it was "Heads", he'd fine her, and "Tails" he'd jail her. And again, it was Heads. We finally learn that Harry was using a TwoHeadedCoin.
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zh1pZqmxvmM This scene from ''Still Another Day In The Life''.]]
* In ''I'm OK, You're Catatonic/Schizophrenic'', Dan accidentally destroys Harry's Mel Torme record collection. Harry has to be physically restrained when he's informed of this. Filled with rage, we get this classic line:

* In ''Russkie Business'', FunnyForeigner Yakov is desperate for a way back to Russia to take care of his sick mother. The official who originally denied Yakov's application for a travel visa - a stereotypical large Russian woman - takes a liking to Dan and tells him that she could make an exception for Yakov if Dan slept with her. When Dan tells everyone else about this breech of protocol...
--> '''Yakov''': Mr. Fielding! You would do this for me?
--> '''Dan''': I'd sooner do it WITH you.
--> '''Yakov''': (beat) Well, if you think it would help...
--> '''Dan''': NO!
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZjEx8ClvsA Also from ''Russkie Business'']], One running gag of the episode had Christine being overly sensitive about her appearance, after Harry pointed out a small dent under her eyebrow. At the end of the episode, Bull delivers a note, apparently written by a secret admirer, talking about how beautiful Christine is and how the author would like to take her to dinner. When Christine assumes that the note was just an effort by everyone else to make her feel better and storms off offended, Bull walks across the cafeteria to another table.
--> '''Bull''':Sorry. I guess she wasn't interested.
--> (The camera pans over to reveal ''Series/TheTonightShow'' host Johnny Carson)
--> '''Johnny Carson''':I'm sorry to hear that.
--> '''Bull''':Excuse me, but aren't you married now?
--> '''Johnny Carson''': (confused) I - I don't know.

* In ''The Game Show'', Bull is going on a local game show to raise the money needed to save the after-school program he works for but is afraid he'll crack under pressure. Dan, who knows something about hypnosis, tries to hypnotize Bull to be more confident whenever he hears a certain key phrase. Owing to bad timing due to Dan's attempting to pick up a passing woman, the phrase used is "I want to be your love slave." Christine goes to the studio with Bull and hilarity and confusion ensue as she tries to activate the phrase.
--> '''Christine''': You're not going to be nervous because... (sultry) I want to be your love slave.
--> '''Bull''': Say, that IS good news!
--> '''Christine''': No, Bull. You don't understand... (slowly and deliberately) I want to be your love slave!
--> '''Bull''': Christine, you're making my brain sweat!

* In ''Snoop And Nuts, Part Two'', this exchange after Harry and Buddy start talking about their relationship now that Harry knows Buddy is his biological father.

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrLvtoKZfxY Bob and June Wheeler make a return visit to the court.]] [[HilarityEnsues Hilarity ensues]]. The dialogue starts by hilariously tiptoeing around the basic offense that they damaged the neighbor's yard with an explosion:

'''Dan:''' Your honour, she hit the poor man with her shoe.\\