History Funny / MenInBlack

** And then would-be!J pulls the little table in the room towards him. Oh, God, the noise...'''''the NOISE''''' it makes! ''WebVideo/CinemaSins'' had to take a sin off of this film because of how funny it was.

-->'''Zed:''' It's like the party's over and the last person to leave gets stuck with the ch--''(notices them)'' '''''[[EtTuBrute YOU SORRY LITTLE INGRATES!!!]]'''''

* For everyone who knows what a financial clusterfuck the '64 World's Fair was, K's confession that the only reason it happened at all was to cover up a UFO landing is absolutely ''hilarious''.

'''Edwards (sheepishly)''': [[ToughRoom Y'all ain't laughing, though...]]

-->'''Kay''': Have a look at this, please...''(triggers neuralizer)''\\
'''Jay''': ''(barely able to shield his eyes with his glasses)'' Would you ''stop that?!''\\
'''Kay''': ''(annoyed)'' [[DefensiveWhat What]]?\\
'''Jay''': That thing is gonna give that poor woman brain cancer or something!\\
'''Kay''': Never hurt her before...''(he leaves, Jay in tow)''\\
'''Jay''': "Never hurt her before"? Kay, how many times have you [[BuffySpeak flashy-thinged]] that poor woman?\\
'''Kay''': A couple.\\
'''Jay''': So you're not worried about any long-term damage?\\
'''Kay''': A little.\\
'''Jay''': Kay, have you ever flashy-thinged me?\\
'''Kay''': [[BlatantLies No]].\\
'''Jay''': I ain't playin', Kay! Have you ever flashy-thinged me before?!\\
'''Kay''': ''No.''

-->'''Kay''': Please, not green. ''[The green button on his spectral trail detector turns on]'' [[OhCrap Aw damn...]] I don't suppose you know what kind of alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?\\
'''Jay''': [[SarcasmMode Uh, wait, that was on "Final Jeopardy!" last night. Damn, Alex said]]...

-->'''Jay''': Yo, Kay, look, check it out, man, when do I get my own little flashy-memory-messer-upper-thingie?\\
'''Kay''': When you grow up.\\
'''Jay''': Mmm, ok. *wipes his brow ''[[FlippingTheBird with his middle finger]]''*

'''Kay''': You're doing fine, Ace!\\
'''Jay''': [---KISS MY ASS, KAY!---] ''(gets dragged into car by tentacle)''

--->'''Kay''': (pats Reggie on the back) Congratulations Reg, it's a... squid.\\
'''Jay''': ''(cradling newborn)'' Well, actually...it is kinda--\\

'''Jay''': ...cute.

--->'''Kay''': Anything about that seem unusual to you?\\

'''Kay''': [[ComicallyMissingThePoint What would scare Reg so much that he would risk a warp-jump with a newborn?]]

-->'''Kay''': ''(cues up WallOfWeapons and grabs [[{{BFG}} a powerful looking blaster]])'' Series-4 Deatomizer.\\
'''Jay''': ''(expectantly)'' Now that's what I'm talking about!\\
'''Kay''': ''(hands Jay a ''very'' tiny pea-shooter)'' The Noisy Cricket.\\
'''Jay''': ''(gawking as he receives his weapon)'' Kay...hey, man! You get a series-4 deatomizer and I get this little midget cricket?!\\
'''Kay''': ''(panics and [[PointThatSomewhereElse pushes Jay's hand away as he almost points it at him]])'' Whoa, kid!\\
'''Jay''': I feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing!

-->'''Arquillian''': Your Majesty, we think you are in danger.\\
'''Rosenberg''': Yeah, and [[ComicallyMissingThePoint they overcharge you every time]].

-->'''Zed''': It's like the party's over and the last person to leave gets stuck with the ch--''(notices them)'' '''''[[EtTuBrute YOU SORRY LITTLE INGRATES!!!]]'''''

-->'''Sergeant''': Ten minutes, take your best shot. (''stalks off'')\\
'''Edwards''': Take ten minutes on a Stairmaster, you pudgy bastard.

--> '''Merchant:''' That's three for a dollar! Sir!

->'''J''': When I was in Third Grade, everybody told me I was crazy, but I knew that our teacher had to be from Venus or something like that.\\
'''K''': Miss Edelson, Jupiter actually. Or one of the moons.

-->'''Police officer''': Yeah, well there's a problem with the cat. Sign here.\\
'''Laurel''': (''signing'') What's the problem with the cat?\\
'''Police officer''': He's your problem. (''chuckles'')\\
'''Laurel''': [[DeadpanSnarker I hate the living.]]

-->"''That'' caused the 1977 New York blackout. A practical joke by the Great Attractor. He thought it was funny as hell."

'''Jay:''' Well, yeah, because he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what? (points at Beatrice) [[PunctuatedForEmphasis You. Kicked. Him. Out.]] Alright? And now that he's gone, you're gonna do what he said, you're gonna go stay with your mother. Then you're gonna go into town, go over to Bloomingvale's and get yourself some new dresses, some new shoes, maybe find somewhere where you can get a facial. (looks around the house) Oh, and hire a decorator to come in here quick because, ''damn''.\\

-->'''Kay''': Please, not green. *The green button on his spectral trail detector turns on* [[OhCrap Aw damn...]] I don't suppose you know what kind of alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?\\

-->'''Kay''': I don't suppose you know what kind of alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?\\

* The two Arquillians at the diner (speaking their own language) bonding over their dislike of Earth's taxi drivers and shared love of [[AliensLoveHumanFood pierogies]], and talking about the [[WorthlessYellowRocks diamonds Rosenberg has brought along as a souvenir for his aide's children]].

-->'''Zed''': '''''YOU SORRY LITTLE INGRATES'''''!!!
** And what do the Worms do in response? They mock Zed and walk off while singing the Star Spangled Banner. Do note that one of them seems to be holding a bottle of beer.

'''Beatrice''': Edgar, what on earth was that?\\
'''Bug''': Sugar.\\
'''Beatrice''': I've never seen sugar do that.\\
'''Bug''': Give me... sugar. ''(Beatrice grabs a jar of sugar)'' In water. ''(Beatrice grabs a glass of water and pours a bit of sugar in it)'' More. ''(Beatrice pours in a little more sugar)'' More! ''(Beatrice pours half of the jar in the water)''

--->'''Beatrice''': [[DullSurprise Edgar, your skin is hanging off your bones.]]\\

'''Bug''': Oh, yeah. ''(yanks face back as inhumanly far as the loose skin will take it)'' There. Is that better?\\

-->'''Edgar''': I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. [[HypocriticalHumor Hey, don't you take that away, I'm eating that, damn it!]] It is poison, isn't it? I swear to God I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that's been hit too much or ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck!\\

'''Edgar''': ''(rushes outside to survey the mess)'' [[LaserGuidedKarma Figures]].

--->'''Bug''': Place projectile weapon on the ground.\\
'''Edgar''': You can have my gun ''[[[DramaticGunCock cocks shotgun]]]'' [[TemptingFate when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers]].\\
'''Bug''': [[ExactWords Your proposal]] [[ThreatBackfire is acceptable]]. ''[Pulls Edgar into the crater]''

-->'''Jeebs''': Well, also, I'm huge crack dealer now, but I still work here. I love the hours.

'''Edwards''': ''(to another candidate)'' That was a pretty good shot, though, right?

-->'''Kay''': On a more personal note, Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend, so my advice would be to go stay with your mom for a few days and decide you're better off without him and move on.\\
'''Jay''': Well, yeah, because he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what? (points at Beatrice) [[PunctuatedForEmphasis You. Kicked. Him. Out.]] Alright? And now that he's gone, you're gonna do what he said, you're gonna go stay with your mother. Then you're gonna go into town, go over to Bloomingvale's and get yourself some new dresses, some new shoes, maybe find somewhere where you can get a facial. (looks around the house) Oh, and hire a decorator to come in here quick because, ''damn''.\\

* The two Arquillians at the diner (speaking their own language) bonding over their dislike of Earth's taxi drivers and shared love of [[AlienLunch pierogies]], and talking about the [[WorthlessYellowRocks diamonds Rosenberg has brought along as a souvenir for his aide's children]].

** Especially when Creator/TommyLeeJones starts {{corpsing}}.

'''Jay''': Mmm, ok. *wipes his brow ''[[FlippingTheBird with his middle finger]]'' *

'''Zed:''' ''(pushes a button a remote and brings forth the headshotted Tiffany)'' May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?\\

* The scene where Jay finally pushes the little red button, and he ScreamsLikeALittleGirl at the sudden velocity.

** That's not even the half of it. Creator/WillSmith was at one point [[UpToEleven considered for the part of the]] ''[[UpToEleven Good Captain himself!]]''

** At the end of the movie, he was mentioned in an article of a ''National Enquirer'' magazine of his claims that "UFO made me miss the ball".

'''Elle:''' Not much of a disguise.\\

-->(The Bug in his new "Edgar suit" clumsily bangs into the front door, then walks inside)\\

-->'''Beatrice''': [[DullSurprise Edgar, your skin is hanging off your bones.]]\\

-->'''Jay:''' You do know Music/{{Elvis|Presley}} is dead, right?\\

-->'''Kay:''' What kind of an emergency? What's the rush to get off the planet all of a sudden?\\

-->'''Kay''': (pats Reggie on the back) Congratulations Reg, it's a... squid.\\

-->'''Kay''': Anything about that seem unusual to you?\\

-->'''Kay''': Did anything about that seem weird to you?\\

-->'''James Edwards:''' Maybe you already answered this, but, why exactly are we here?
-->'''Zed:''' ''[noticing a recruit raising his hand]'' Son?
-->'''Jake Jenson:''' Second Lieutenant, Jake Jenson. West Point. Graduate with honors. We're here because you are looking for the best of the best of the best, sir! ''[shoots James a snobbish glare but Edwards bursts out laughing]''
-->'''Zed:''' Something funny, Edwards?\\

-->'''Jay:''' You do know [[Music/ElvisPresley Elvis]] is dead, right?
-->'''Kay:''' No, Elvis is not dead, [[ElvisHasLeftThePlanet he just went home]].

-->'''Zed:''' Edwards, what the hell happened?
-->'''Edwards:''' Hesitated.
-->'''Zed:''' ''(pushes a button a remote and brings forth the headshotted Tiffany)'' May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?
-->'''Edwards:''' Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir.
-->'''Zed:''' How'd you come to that conclusion?
-->'''Edwards:''' Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light, and I realized, y'know, he's just working out. I mean, how would I feel if somebody come runnin' in the gym and bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy, and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand, and I'm realizing, y'know, he's not ''snarling'', he's ''sneezing''. Y'know, ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I'm thinking, y'know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, this time of night with quantum physics books? She about to start some shit, Zed! ''(By now, Zed is grinning widely)'' She's about eight years old, those books are ''way'' too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it. ''(beat)'' Or do I owe her an apology?
-->''(Zed and the others start filing out)''
-->'''Edwards''': ''(to another candidate)'' That was a pretty good shot, though, right?

-->'''Kay''': On a more personal note, Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend, so my advice would be to go stay with your mom for a few days and decide you're better off without him and move on.
-->'''Jay''': Well, yeah, because he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what? (points at Beatrice) [[PunctuatedForEmphasis You. Kicked. Him. Out.]] Alright? And now that he's gone, you're gonna do what he said, you're gonna go stay with your mother. Then you're gonna go into town, go over to Bloomingvale's and get yourself some new dresses, some new shoes, maybe find somewhere where you can get a facial. (looks around the house) Oh, and hire a decorator to come in here quick because, ''damn''.
-->''(Beatrice sits there, completely deadpan and slowly blinking.)''

-->'''Kay''': I don't suppose you know what kind of alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?
-->'''Jay''': [[SarcasmMode Uh, wait, that was on "Final Jeopardy!" last night. Damn, Alex said]]...

-->'''Jay''': Yo, Kay, look, check it out, man, when do I get my own little flashy-memory-messer-upper-thingie?
-->'''Kay''': When you grow up.
-->'''Jay''': Mmm, ok. *wipes his brow ''[[FlippingTheBird with his middle finger]]'' *

--> '''Kay:''' ''(to Jay, looking at an alien woman in labor)'' And you, uh, deal with this!
--> ''(Kay dodges off to talk with Reg)''

--> '''Kay:''' What kind of an emergency? What's the rush to get off the planet all of a sudden?\\

-->'''Arquillian''': Your Majesty, we think you are in danger.
-->'''Rosenberg''': Yeah, and [[ComicallyMissingThePoint they overcharge you every time]].

-->'''Sergeant''': Ten minutes, take your best shot. (''stalks off'')
-->'''Edwards''': Take ten minutes on a Stairmaster, you pudgy bastard.

--> '''Elle:''' Hey, Jay! Zed called. The high consulate from Solaxiant 9 wants floor seats for the next Bulls game.
--> '''Jay:''' All right, let's put in a call to Dennis Rodman. He's from that planet.
--> '''Elle:''' Rodman? You're kidding.
--> '''Jay:''' Nope.
--> '''Elle:''' Not much of a disguise.

-->'''Police officer''': Yeah, well there's a problem with the cat. Sign here.
-->'''Laurel''': (''signing'') What's the problem with the cat?
-->'''Police officer''': He's your problem. (''chuckles'')
-->'''Laurel''': [[DeadpanSnarker I hate the living.]]

-->"''That'' was a practical joke from the Great Attractor. He thought it was funny as hell."

** The best bit is when it bounces around Zed's office and he is still calmly doing his work.

-->'''Jay''': Mmm, ok. *wipes his brow ''with his middle finger'' *

-->'''Kay''': ''(cues up WallOfWeapons and grabs a powerful looking blaster)'' Series-4 Deatomizer.\\
'''Jay''': ''(expectantly)'' Now that's what I'm talking about--\\

'''Kay''': ''(panics and [[PointThatSomewhereElse pushes Jay's hand away as he almost points it at him]])''\\

** At the end of the movie, he was mentioned in an article of a ''National Inquirer'' magazine of his claims that "UFO made me miss the ball".