History Funny / HoratioHornblower

* During the tense SternChase with the Loire, Mr. Prowse is full of gloomy predictions. Hornblower really ''wants'' to say "Perhaps you'd advise us to haul down our colours now and save the trouble." (But he can't, because it would contradict the Articles of War.)

* From "Retribution": '''I CAN'T SWIM!''' Shouted by a [[NotSoStoic panicked]] Lieutenant Bush as Hornblower and Archie basically drag him off of a cliff with them to avoid getting killed by an [[StuffBlowingUp exploding Spanish fort]] and being stranded on an island held by the slave rebel army. (For those wondering about an officer of the Navy who cannot swim, read an article on WoodenShipsAndIronMen. It was a fairly common thing.) Later on, when Archie questions his own bravery, Hornblower points out that he jumped off a cliff into the ocean accompanied by "A man afraid of heights and another who couldn't swim." [[spoiler:Which would be funny if Archie hadn't been dying.]]
* Archie's overly-interested reaction to the officer and lady kissing on the tower in "Retribution". Bush is not impressed.
* "Retribution": Hornblower is blowing up a Spanish fort, when Kennedy and Bush turn up to join him.
--> '''Horatio''': Archie, are you mad?\\
'''Archie''': Very possibly, but we thought you could use the company!

* The captains on the board of examination in "The Fire Ships". After Hornblower and "Dreadnought" Foster have stopped the titular ship from destroying the fleet at anchor, Foster and Hammond ''immediately'' start bickering and get so riled up that Hammond challenges Foster to a duel. Hornblower's bewildered and slightly hypothermic expression as he watches them makes the scene all the better.
--> '''Foster:''' [in the awkward pause after the challenge] What are you staring at, man?!\\
'''Hornblower:''' Nothing.
* Pellew later describes them as "three men who would not agree on the color of an orange".
* Horatio's TactfulTranslation to a Spanish captain who brought them a message about Spaniards' becoming neutral. Pellew is furious and tries ''extremely'' hard not to let his mask of politeness slip and gives a crooked smile, while Horatio says random polite stuff in French. The unassuming Spaniard is impressed and even bows in respect. The entire exchange is hilarious, from Hornblower's insistance on reading out the [[TryToFitThatOnABusinessCard Duke of Belchite's titles in full]] [[note]] If you're interested, it's "His Excellency the Duke of Belchite, Grandee of the First Class, Commander-in-Chief of His Catholic Majesty's Forces by Land and by Sea, Knight of the Most Sacred Order of the Golden Fleece, First Minister of His Most Catholic Majesty, Captain-General of Andalucia." The list is almost certainly even longer, but Pellew loses patience after a while.[[/note]] to Pellew's final word on the matter:
--> '''Captain Pellew''': ''(forcing a smile)'' Get him over the side. [beat] With dignity.

* From ''The Even Chance'', Captain Keene is overseeing the Midshipmen's training, and is checking their work. What follows is a long series of him checking their slates and saying "No... no... no..." as each one proves incorrect. Judging by one midshipman's face, he genuinely was proud of the answer he presented until the Captain shot him down as wholly incorrect. He declares that Mr. Simpson has found the source of the Nile River, noting that Simpson made a navigational calculation that - as far as Keene can work out - would have placed their ship [[EpicFail in the middle of Africa.]]
--->'''Captain Keene''': You are to be congratulated, Mr. Simpson, for the source of the Nile has been discovered - since, as far as I can tell from your illiterate scribblings, ''your ship is in '''Central Africa'''!''
* A subtle moment in "The Examination for Lieutenant" when Horatio is rowing Mr. Tapling to shore to negotiate supplies. Hornblower gives the orders "lay on your oars" first and then "toss your oars." The order means to raise the oars vertically, but Tapling gives him a "what the hell?" look, apparently taking it more literally.
* Loading the cattle onto the supply ship quickly becomes a scene of controlled chaos, which Horatio starts to punctuate by muttering the word "hell" and then shouting it over the railing when an attempt to hose down the cattle knocks several men into the water.
* From the same episode, Horatio's search for a clean uniform to take the exam in is given the same treatment as Horatio undertaking some daring and dangerous tactic--he even gets the action leitmotif as he hunts down a clean shirt and bargains with the steward to use the flatiron. Any military person who has ever had to scramble to get together a complete dress uniform at the last minute will sympathize.
* In "Mutiny," Matthews quietly informs Horatio that not all of the crew is satisfied with the way Sawyer is handling the ship. Horatio tells him to bite his tongue.
-->'''Matthews:''' Aye-aye, sir. [without missing a beat] I speak for a third of the crew, sir.
* In "Loyalty," Bush, without even looking up, [[FunnyBackgroundEvent silently sticks his arm out]] to prevent Côtard from storming off to badger Horatio right after Horatio's boarded the ship.
* Orrock overenthusiastically leading Horatio and Maria's wedding carriage--drawn by twenty sailors--through the streets, yelling and waving his hat like a schoolboy.
* In “The Fire Ships,” when the titular vessels attacks the British port, Hammond and Foster hit their heads together when they try to look through a telescope at the same time.
* In "The Wrong War," Mariette tells Hornblower of the beheadings, even that of the baker. "All he his guilty of is selling stale bread."
* At some point in the second series, the crew need to reposition a cannon using block & tackle. It swings about a bit and gently bounces off Styles' head.
--->'''Bush:''' If you've damaged than gun with your head, Styles, it's coming out of your pay.

* Sitting down to dinner with the fleet captains and Admiral Cornwallis, Hornblower mentally adds a postscript to the naval protocol about commencing the salute when the admiral's head reaches the level of the deck: "When the admiral's bottom shall touch the seat of his chair...."

** Hornblower later wishes Eisenbeiss' aim had been better and killed him instead.

* The captains on the board of examination in "The Fire Ships". After Hornblower and "Dreadnought" Foster have stopped the titular ship from destroying the fleet at anchor, Foster and Hammond ''immediately'' start bickering and get so riled up that Hammond challenges Foster to a duel. Hornblower's bewildered and slightly hypothermic expression as he watches them makes the scene all the better. Pellew later describes them as "three men who would not agree on the color of an orange".

--> "Of course it does! You ought to know all routine signals by now, Mr. Foreman, you've had long enough. Sir, ''Tonnant'' signals us to send a boat."
--> "Not that halliard, you careless... you careless [[LastSecondWordSwap young gentleman]]!"

--> '''Horatio''': Archie, are you mad?
--> '''Archie''': Very possibly, but we thought you could use the company!

--> '''Horatio''': Damn this animal. What it needs is a rudder!
--> '''Edrington''': Show it who's master, Mr Hornblower.
--> '''Horatio''': ''[desperately]'' I don't need to, it knows.

---> '''Mr Bush''': Is that all?
---> '''Mr Hornblower''': All? What do you mean all?
---> '''Mr Bush''': You know what I mean. You were the-ere.

* In "The Wrong War," Marie tells Hornblower of the beheadings, even that of the baker. "All he his guilty of is selling stale bread."

* In "The Wrong War," Marie tells Hornblower of the beheadings, event hat of the baker. "All he his guilty of is selling stale bread."

* The fantastically awkward moment in Series 2 ("Mutiny") where Horatio is showering on deck, and Captain [[InsaneAdmiral Sawyer]] comes out of his cabin to [[spoiler: arrest his lieutenants]]. The moment where Horatio realises why everyone has suddenly stopped and what they're looking at is immediately followed by [[OhCrap his look of horror]] at having been caught prancing around starkers by his lunatic captain.
* The captains on the board of examination in "The Fire Ships". After Hornblower and "Dreadnought" Foster have stopped the titular ship from destroying the fleet at anchor, Foster and Hammond ''immediately'' start bickering and get so riled up that Hammond challenges Foster to a duel. Hornblower's bewildered and slightly hypothermic expression as he watches them makes the scene all the better. DeadpanSnarker Pellew later describes them as "three men who would not agree on the color of an [[ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin orange]]".
* Horatio's TactfulTranslation to a Spanish captain who brought them a message about Spaniards' becoming neutral. Pellew is furious and tries ''extremely'' hard not to let his mask of politeness slip and gives a crooked smile, while Horatio says random polite stuff in French. The unassuming Spaniard is impressed and even bows in respect. The entire exchange is hilarious, from Hornblower's insistance on reading out the [[OverlyLongGag Duke of Belchite's titles in full]] [[note]] If you're interested, it's "His Excellency the Duke of Belchite, Grandee of the First Class, Commander-in-Chief of His Catholic Majesty's Forces by Land and by Sea, Knight of the Most Sacred Order of the Golden Fleece, First Minister of His Most Catholic Majesty, Captain-General of Andalucia." The list is almost certainly even longer, but Pellew loses patience after a while.[[/note]] to Pellew's final word on the matter:

* Horatio's TactfulTranslation to a Spanish captain who brought them a message about Spaniards' becoming neutral. Pellew is furious and tries ''extremely'' hard not to let his mask of politeness slip and gives a crooked smile, while Horatio says random polite stuff in French. The unassuming Spaniard is impressed and even bows in respect.
** This entire exchange is hilarious, from Hornblower's insistance on reading out the [[OverlyLongGag Duke of Belchite's titles in full]] [[note]] If you're interested, it's "His Excellency the Duke of Belchite, Grandee of the First Class, Commander-in-Chief of His Catholic Majesty's Forces by Land and by Sea, Knight of the Most Sacred Order of the Golden Fleece, First Minister of His Most Catholic Majesty, Captain-General of Andalucia." The list is almost certainly even longer, but Pellew loses patience after a while.[[/note]] to Pellew's final word on the matter:

* From ''The Even Chance'', Captain Keene is overseeing the Midshipmen's training, and is checking their work. What follows is a long series of him checking their slates and saying "No... no... no..." as each one proves incorrect. Judging by one midshipman's face, he genuinely was proud of the answer he presented until the Captain shot him down as wholly incorrect. He declares that Mr. Simpson has found the source of the Nile River, implying that Simpson made a navigational calculation that would have placed their ship [[EpicFail in the middle of Africa.]]

* From the same episode, Horatio's search for a clean uniform to take the exam in is given the same treatment as Horatio undertaking some daring and dangerous tactic--he even gets the action leitmotif as he hunts down a clean shirt and bargains with the steward to use the flatiron.

* Bush and one of the ''Lydia's'' other lieutenants make a bet--Bush knows exactly what the captain will say to Lady Barbara when she comes aboard. Cut to Hornblower greeting her with an incomprehensible, awkward cough, then back to Bush with a very satisfied look on his face.

* From "Retribution": '''I CAN'T SWIM!''' Shouted by a [[NotSoStoic panicked]] Lieutenant Bush as Hornblower and Archie basically drag him off of a cliff with them to avoid getting killed by an [[StuffBlowingUp exploding Spanish fort]] and being stranded on an island held by the slave rebel army. For those wondering about an officer of the Navy who cannot swim, read an article on WoodenShipsAndIronMen. It was a fairly common thing. Later on, when Archie questions his own bravery, Hornblower points out that he jumped off a cliff into the ocean accompanied by "A man afraid of heights and another who couldn't swim." [[spoiler:Which would be funny if Archie hadn't been dying.]]

* Bush training the signal midshipman in ''Hotspur'' at the top of his lungs, alternating with calmly informing Hornblower what the signals say. At one point, Hornblower mentally likens his bellowing to the cow in the ration boat.[[note]]Also some awesome writing by Forester, who doesn't need to use caps or italics for the reader to immediately realize the contrast.[[/note]]

* The dinner that Captain Cogshill hosts near the end of ''Lieutenant'', [[spoiler:after he takes command and the court of inquiry concludes that there is no need for a trial]]. Cogshill then proceeds to get himself, Bush, and Buckland absolutely sloshed with half the drinks brewed in Europe. Bush's mood improves with each successive toast (such as "Glorious war, oceans of gore, prizes galore, and beauty ashore"). The text notes that for the rest of his life, Bush remembers it as "one of the most successful dinners he ever attended."
* Bush training the signal midshipman in ''Hotspur'' at the top of his lungs, alternating with calmly informing Hornblower what the signals say. At one point, Hornblower mentally likens his bellowing to the cow in the ration boat.
--> [[note]]emphasis added[[/note]] "'''Of course it does! You ought to know all routine signals by now, Mr. Foreman, you've had long enough.''' Sir, ''Tonnant'' signals us to send a boat."

* During the tense SternChase with the Loire, Mr. Prowse is being rather gloomy about their chances. Hornblower really ''wants'' to say "Perhaps you'd advise us to haul down our colours now and save the trouble." (But he can't, because it would contradict the Articles of War.)

* Admiral Hornblower discovers [[OhCrap to his dismay]] in ''West Indies'' that the Governour's Daughter has fallen in love with him with the obsessive tendency that [[FanGirl only a teenage girl can muster]]. Through the course of the story, he manages to redirect her affections towards one of his lieutenants, who being both young and unmarried, is much more appreciative of the attention.

--> '''Captain Pellew''': ''(forcing a smile)'' Get him over the side. *beat* With dignity.

* Aboard a small brig after a successful action, Hornblower, a commodore, feels like ThePigPen and decides he MUST have his naked bath with pumped sea water. In the English Channel. In November. HilarityEnsues.