History Funny / Hellsing

* A bit of comedic irony occurs when [[spoiler:Anderson impales himself in the heart with the Nail of Helena. Staking hearts comes to mind with that kind of imagery.]]

* Alucard sneaking up on Integra in the middle of the night, only for Integra to quickly wake up and shoot him in the face.

--> "EXCELLENT WORK! This is really ''amazing.'' Millennium is happy to have go-getters like you on our team! Oh, we couldn't have done it without you. And, of course, the Major - he's so proud! [[DeadlyEuphemism You]] ''[[EvenEvilHasStandards definitely]]'' [[DeadlyEuphemism deserve everything that's coming to you]]."

** We also see that in the credits of OVA 6, (with Magnolia playing) along with another funny scene involving '''ZORIN BLITZ''' of all people. A bunch of Millenium foot soldiers fight over a corpse that they plan on having for dinner, frustrating and irritating Zorin, and she slices the body in four separate scenes.

--> "EXCELLENT WORK! This is really ''amazing.'' Millennium is happy to have go-getters like you on our team! Oh, we couldn't have done it without you. And, of course, the Major - he's so proud! [[DeadlyEuphemism You]] '']]EvenEvilHasStandards definitely]]'' [[DeadlyEuphemism deserve everything that's coming to you]]."

* [[Creator/BruceWillis Bruce]] [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRVN7uBuvOs Willis]] and the Harkonnen spirit talking to Seras Victoria.

--->'''Jan''': ''(smokes one of Integra's cigars)'' '''Fuck,''''' these are some fine cigars! Like, all bourgeois and shit. I mean, come on, that's just fucked up! People are starving in the world, '''and she's wasting money on this?!'''

--->Come on, bitch, you know [who sent me] -- the ones who put this fuckin' chip in me... ''(stands)'' "...the chip that's sending information lettin' 'em know we fucked up! They can hear us talkin'... every last goddamn word. If they knew I was sittin' here, all fucked up and dyin', 'bout to tell you everything... [[YouHaveFailedMe you think they'd let me fuckin' live?!]] ''(suddenly engulfed in blue fire)'' Aaaaahahahaha! See?! I so fuckin' told you! HA HA! Well, since I'm fucked, how about I piss a little wisdom on you dipshits?! ''([[FlippingTheBird flips the bird]])'' You can take this clue, and shove it up your ass, [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]!

'''Jan''' (OVA): You've got nowhere left to run and nowhere to hide, 'cause I'm comin' to kill you. I wanna hear you cry and beg! In the meantime, I highly recommend [[BringMyBrownPants pissing yourself]], followed by [[SayYourPrayers a course of prayer]] to your impotent ''God''! But hey -- there's still time left to just be a man and ''[[DrivenToSuicide kill yourself]]''! Thank you, London! We love you! Goodnight!!

--->'''Jan''': Come out and play little Hellsing. I promise its gonna be a lot of fun. We just want to torture you, kill you, maybe skullfuck your corpse a couple of times, burn the house to the ground, go home and masturbate okayyyyy.

---> (Seras has just snuck up behind Jan and forced him down in a restraint hold, causing much complaint.)\\

'''Seras''': (over Jan's complaining) I AM a former police girl...

--->'''Jan''': Get the fuck off me! Fuckin' vampire slut!!
** As if we didn't have enough moments from Jan…

--->'''Jan''': (''smokes one of Integra's cigars'') "'''Fuck,''''' these are some fine cigars! Like, all bourgeois and shit. I mean, come on, that's just fucked up! People are starving in the world, '''and she's wasting money on this?!'''"

--->"Come on, bitch, you know [who sent me] -- the ones who put this fuckin' chip in me..." *stands* "...the chip that's sending information lettin' 'em know we fucked up! They can hear us talkin'... every last goddamn word. If they knew I was sittin' here, all fucked up and dyin', 'bout to tell you everything... [[YouHaveFailedMe you think they'd let me fuckin' live?!]]" *immolates* "Aaaaahahahaha!! See?! I so fuckin' told you! HA HA!! Well, since I'm fucked, how about I piss a little wisdom on you dipshits?! *[[FlippingTheBird flips the bird]]* You can take this clue, and shove it up your ass, [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]!"

* [[BruceWillis Bruce [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRVN7uBuvOs Willis]] and the Harkonnen spirit talking to Seras Victoria.

* Seras defusing a potential brawl in the museum between Alucard and Anderson by guiding a tour group of Japanese tourists right past them ([[GratuitousJapanese "Kochi desu yo!"]]). Alucard and Anderson [[TheComicallySerious just stand totally still]], weapons drawn, as the tourists walk past, then:

* both turn to leave*\\

'''Anderson''': (with a very kind smile) I must say, this is an excellent museum. Perhaps next time I could bring some children from the orphanage?

'''Harkonnen''': ... more or less.

** From there, she promptly browbeats the hit squad of ''trained assassins'' into escorting her back to Hellsing Manor. Father Anderson agrees to this, causing all of his comrades to promptly gape at him in pure disbelief...but ''having to go along with it, anyways!''

* The opening of OVA 3 gives us this gem of a conversation from the Wild Geese mercenaries regarding friendly fire from their bombers
-->'''Merc #1:''' Tell those assholes they're supposed to bomb the OTHER GUYS!\\

* The mascot logo used for the Hellsing Organization on their newly bought stealth jet? A cute, little cartoon bat.

-->'''Jan''': Up Up! Down Down! Left Right Left Right! Bringing the motherfucking death [[KonamiCode by Konami]]! (pause) Ah I'm so fucking hard right now.

--->'''Jan''' (TV): And while you're waiting for us to kill '''you''', we highly recommend pissing yourself! Followed by a course of praying to your impotent God! Then cowering in the corner and begging--always good--BUT IF YOU ACT NOW!--there's still time for an old-fashioned SUICIDE! Thank you London! We love you! Good night!\\

** His hilarious call in the TV series to Integra and the Round Table:
--->'''Jan''': And while you're waiting for us to kill '''you''', we highly recommend pissing yourself! Followed by a course of praying to your impotent God! Then cowering in the corner and begging--always good--BUT IF YOU ACT NOW!--there's still time for an old-fashioned SUICIDE! Thank you London! We love you! Good night!

--->"Well, since I'm fucked, how about I piss a little wisdom on you dipshits?! *[[FlippingTheBird flips the bird]]* You can take this clue, and shove it up your ass, [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]!"

-->'''Jan''': And while you're waiting for us to kill '''you''', we highly recommend pissing yourself! Followed by a course of praying to your impotent God! Then cowering in the corner and begging--always good--BUT IF YOU ACT NOW!--there's still time for an old-fashioned SUICIDE! Thank you London! We love you! Good night!

---> (Seras has just snuck up behind Jan and forced him down in a restraint hold, causing much complaint.)
--->'''Walter''': Where did you learn that submission technique?
--->'''Seras''': (over Jan's complaining) I AM a former police girl...

-->"Ah, fuck me."

-->"Well, since I'm fucked, how about I piss a little wisdom on you dipshits?! *[[FlippingTheBird flips the bird]]* You can take this clue, and shove it up your ass, [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]!"

-->'''Alucard''': This is neither the time nor the place for a battle.
-->'''Anderson''': Yeah, you may have a point there.
-->* both turn to leave*
-->'''Alucard''': I'm leaving. Getting up in the daytime is so draining...
-->'''Anderson''': (with a very kind smile) I must say, this is an excellent museum. Perhaps next time I could bring some children from the orphanage?

-->'''Elderly tourist:''' Ehh? Now why d'you suppose this priest has them sword-thingies?
-->'''Elderly tourist #2:''' Oh, I'll bet this is that "avant-garde" stuff! My grandkids love it.
-->'''Imamura:''' I tell ya, [[FridgeBrilliance when I was in]] [[UsefulNotes/SecondSinoJapaneseWar Manchuria]], we sure didn't have any guns like that!
-->'''Elderly tourist #3:''' Good grief, Imamura's started going on about Manchuria again...?

-->'''Seras''': O-okay, Mr. Spirit. There's just one thing I want to ask you! Everything's in the pits. Is the rest of my life going to be this unhappy?
-->'''Harkonnen''': ... more or less.

--->'''Heinkel''': What are we doing? How did she rope us all into this?
--->'''Yumie''': This is terrible! Bishop Maxwell is going to be so angry.
--->'''Heinkel''': You know, we have sorta taken her into custody. Figuratively.
--->'''Yumie''': Please, he's not gonna buy it.
--->'''Heinkel''': SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!

-->'''Merc #1''':"Tell those assholes they're supposed to bomb the OTHER GUYS!"
-->'''Merc #2''':"Inbred motherfuckers don't give a shit. They got a dozen sisters at home to knock up."
-->'''Merc #3''':"That's not bad. It works out to, like, two a day if you don't count Sundays."

** [[DudeLooksLikeALady Schodinger looking like Seras.]]

** Let's just face it, Jan is [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHFQj06gWyc a walking, talking CMOF.]]

* [[BruceWillis Willis]] [[BigLippedAlligatorMoment Space.]] [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRVN7uBuvOs That is all.]]
** Not to mention the Harkonnen spirit talking to Seras Victoria.

* Pip is a walking CrowningMomentOfFunny.

* Heck, everything involving Schrödinger in OVA Episode 4.

*** [[DudeLooksLikeALady Schodinger looks like Seras.]]

* Let's just face it. Any time during the OVA when it undergoes an art shift, expect something funny to happen.
* When one of the Major's subordinates expresses a desire to not go charging at Alucard's familiar army because [[WeHaveReserves it would needlessly sacrifice the lives of the troops]], the Major pulls out a gun and shoots at the guy [[ImperialStormtrooperMarksmanshipAcademy at point-blank range. And misses every shot]], causing Doc to wonder how the Major got into the S.S. in the first place.
* Also, the scene with the Wild Geese training session. When Seras attempted target practice, she snapped after hearing that she killed all hostages. Later, we see her having a spizfit over a lecherous song that Pip was singing.

* After you finish watching the epilogue for OVA 5, you're treated to a hilarious preview for OVA 6 with Alucard griping over having little to no screen time in the next two [=OVAs=], and at the end, you're treated to a picture with... "Church of England Pro Wrestling." I snickered at the sight of it.

** Schrödinger ogling Sears.

* When one of the Major's subordinates expresses a desire to not go charging at Alucard's familiar army because it would needlessly sacrifice the lives of the troops, the Major pulls out a gun and shoots at the guy at point-blank range. And misses every shot, causing Doc to wonder how the Major got into the S.S. in the first place.

-->'''Jan''': Up Up! Down Down! Left Right Left Right! Bringing the motherfucking death by Konami! (pause) Ah I'm so fucking hard right now.

* Basically everything Jan Valentine says, but highlights include:

** We also see that in the credits of OVA 6, (with Magnolia playing) along with another funny scene involving '''ZORIN BLITZ''' of all people. A bunch of Millenium foot soldiers fight over a corpse that they plan on having for dinner, frustrating and irritating Zorin, and she slices the body in four separate scenes. This troper likes "hearing" (it was in a talk balloon so I use the word loosely) "Try not to make a scene at supper."

* In OVA 8, during the decisive battle between Alucard and Anderson, he suddenly [[spoiler:switches back from his true form]] and starts lovingly and explicitly describing his new Jackal gun. Something about hearing him prattle off about it like a salesman with his VoiceOfTheLegion just cracked this troper up.

-->'''Heinkel''': What are we doing? How did she rope us all into this?
-->'''Yumie''': This is terrible! Bishop Maxwell is going to be so angry.
-->'''Heinkel''': You know, we have sorta taken her into custody. Figuratively.
-->'''Yumie''': Please, he's not gonna buy it.
-->'''Heinkel''': SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!

---> Walter: Where did you learn that submission technique?
---> Seras: (over Jan's complaining) I AM a former police girl...

---> Jan: Now all that's left is to beat the shit out of a little girl and a bunch of old people.

* Speaking of the Valantine Brothers, at the end of every manga volume (except the first one) there are special comics depicting hilarious moments with them, like when they did a countdown for most popular Hellsing Character. They even put in characters that were never in Hellsing!

** Not to mention the Harokken spirit talking to Seras Victoria.
* "As a vampire, you were just a pathetic piece of shit. Now you're nothing but dog shit."

-->'''Anderson''': (with a very kind smile) I must say this is an excellent museum. Perhaps next time I could bring some children from the orphanage?

** Seras tries to join in and hit Anderson from behind, but it only takes a glare from him for her to stop dead in her tracks.
* The manga, volume 11, Seras posing in red hat and coat: "Look! I'm imitating master!"
* Schrodinger losing his copy of the mission briefing, having to read over the Captain's shoulder, and looking completely adorable.

** Plus there's also that part of volume 2/OVA episode 2 with Seras snapping over the fact that, as a vampire, she would be sleeping in a coffin from now on. What really sent her screaming was how her normal bed was trashed and thrown away in favor of said coffin.

* Also the scene with the Wild Geese Training session. When Seras attempted target practice, she snapped after hearing that she killed all hostages. Later, we see her having a spizfit over a lecherous song that Pip was singing.

* Near the end of the manga; Integra's exaggerated account of [[spoiler: Lord Penwood's]] HeroicSacrifice. Could also be considered a Heartwarming Moment, as she's speaking to his grandson.

-->'''Seras''':"Also, [Mr. Bernadotte], [[ItMakesSenseInContext can you please not smoke inside of me?]]"

** From there, she promptly browbeats the hit squad of ''trained assassins'' into escorting her back to Hellsing Manor. Father Anderson agrees to this, causing all of his comrades to promptly gape at him in pure disbelief...but ''having to go along with it, anyway!''