History Funny / HelloInternet

* How obedient the listeners are to Grey and Brady's commands (e.g. "Tweet us if you're on a plane right now") and "homework" (e.g. "Go watch ''Film/{{Her}}'' because there's going to be spoilers next episode") — and how often Grey is surprised by how many people actually do it.

** Some listeners don't realize right away that there are stingers, because they assume the podcast is over when they hear silence, and jump to the next episode. Then they go on YouTube, see people talking about stingers, and discover they've been missing them for months.

-->'''Grey:''' And I ended up going around, ''like a total nerd'', with my iPad, and talking to people, and figuring out where they go on the family tree, and making a little family tree, to try to connect everybody.
-->'''Brady:''' They got a pretty accurate impression of who you were pretty quickly, then.

** Some listeners don't realize right away that there are stingers, because they assume the podcast is over when they hear silence, and jump to the next episode.

* Grey initially was resistant to using an electric toothbrush, but now he can't go back:

** "At least I haven't touched my microphone yet."

** "I have agreed at some stage to go to a cricket game with you. In which I can probably ask an ''endless'' series of infuriating questions. And that very well might be the end of our friendship." "D'you know what, I can't think of anything more pleasurable than sitting at the cricket, and just being asked questions about cricket for 8 hours. That's like my dream day." "You say this ''now'', my friend…"

-->'''Grey:''' I don't have any ''lagniappe'' videos! I will never have a ''lagniappe'' video! That's never going to happen! I'll have ''footnotes'', I'll have ''extra videos'', I'll have ''bonus videos''! But not ''lagniappe'' videos, because that doesn't make any sense and it's a terrible reappropriation! ''[beat]'' No! I can hear you breathing in! No, whatever you've got, I do not approve of this, this will not happen.

-->'''Grey:''' It's ''amazing'', Brady. I don't ''like'' to run, but when I do run it is majestic. … It's like watching Tom Cruise run. It's just amazing. It's cinematic, is what it is.

-->'''Grey:''' I do have to say, that is the moment that I felt the closest to CGP Grey the penguin, was when there was a huge, huge amount of activity, and hustle and bustle, going on in this penguin arena, and he or she decided that the ''corner'' was the best place to be. The corner, behind a bush, basically…by himself.

-->'''Grey:''' And I ended up going around, ''like a total nerd'', with my iPad, and talking to people, and figuring out where they go on the family tree, and making a little family tree, to try to connect everybody.\\
'''Brady:''' They got a pretty accurate impression of who you were pretty quickly, then.\\
'''Grey:''' Do you think that's fair? I don't think that's fair.\\
'''Brady:''' Wandering around with your iPad, filling in a family tree?\\
'''Grey:''' I… That is… That might be accurate.

-->'''Brady:''' The last podcast … you gave some advice about e-mailing that I personally found very useful … You went up in my estimations as an e-mailer…\\
'''Grey:''' Oh, thank you.\\
'''Brady:''' And then last night…\\
'''Grey:''' ''[laughing]'' Oh no!\\
'''Brady:''' …you sent me … some crazy e-mail… Very long for you… A bit rambling… You even apologized for it in the e-mail… Had you been drinking, or something?\\
'''Grey:''' No, I was just very tired. I was very tired, and you were last on my e-mail queue, and… I thought I was being much more rational than I was… But yes, I sent you a rather rambly e-mail that did not make a whole lot of sense when I saw it in the morning, and I was slightly embarrassed. And yes, that was perfectly timed to come after the show about sending efficient e-mails.

-->'''Brady:''' There's been another criticism of our podcast.\\
'''Grey:''' Oh, yeah? Yeah?\\
'''Brady:''' That it ends too abruptly?\\
'''Grey:''' Oh! Yeah! I wanted to mention this! I wanted to mention this–\\
''[the episode ends]''

-->'''Grey:''' I don't wanna keep turning away, because of the microphone, so I'm just trying to have something else in front of me. Although, actually… ''[he can be heard getting up]'' Do I have, um… Actually, hold on, I have a spare computer under the table, I wanna see if I can make this work. ''[sounds of grunting and dragging something across the floor]''\\
''[there is a loud "thunk"]''\\
'''Grey:''' AW SH—!\\
''[Brady laughs for 10 seconds]''\\
'''Brady:''' Oh man, I wish that was recording! ''[continues laughing]''

-->'''Brady:''' It must say something about our audience, I guess, but…\\
'''Grey:''' No, I think it says something about how difficult children are relative to how difficult dogs are. That's what I think it's evidence of.\\
'''Brady:''' Well, by that rationale, because of all the outcry over your teacher stuff, that means you must acknowledge your teacher stuff was wrong.\\
'''Grey:''' No, no, it doesn't work both ways. It only works one way.

-->'''Brady:''' I'm gonna shut this list down, because it's too tempting for me just to drop in words from it all through the podcast.\\
'''Grey:''' Fair enough. You do what you want. I have no control over your computer screen. I have no voodoo witchcraft to force you to shut down the spreadsheet.\\
'''Brady:''' I don't know, 'cause you're so much more technically savvy than me. I don't know that even just making this Skype call hasn't given you access to things I don't want you… Are you going through my files right now?\\
'''Grey:''' Well, you think it's magic when you leave the camera on and I can still see what you're doing. ''[both laugh]'' You forget to turn it off. "How did you see that?" You left your camera on, is how I can see it.\\
'''Brady:''' Can you see me right now?\\
'''Grey:''' No, I can't see you. You remembered to turn off the camera this time.\\
'''Brady:''' Okay, that's good. I don't have to put my shirt back on, then. ''[{{beat}}]'' I am wearing a shirt.

-->'''Grey:''' Sorry, you were gonna ask me something?\\
'''Brady:''' How do you know that?!\\
'''Grey:''' I could hear you breathe in.\\
'''Brady:''' You're like my wife, she can –\\
'''Grey:''' ''[creepy voice]'' I'm watching you on the Skype right now!\\
'''Brady:''' You're like my wife, though. She can just tell from the way I jiggle my knee exactly what I'm about to say. And you're turning into that.

-->'''Brady:''' Oh man, that pause. You're gonna have to edit that pause down, just for my feelings.\\
'''Grey:''' ''[very unconvincing]'' No, I missed you, I missed you, uh, quite a lot.

-->'''Brady:''' You didn't wanna go for just a big picture of my face or something? ''[Grey laughs]'' You didn't think people would go for that on a t-shirt?\\
'''Grey:''' Uh, I have to say, that did not occur to me as one of the options for how we might merchandise the show. ''[laughing]'' Maybe, if there's a huge demand for it, that can be a specialty item.

-->'''Grey:''' It was almost like this bizarre moment of excitement. That once they start turning over, it's like, "Oh boy!" It almost feels like… Like a – like, um…\\
'''Brady:''' Lottery balls.\\
'''Grey:''' Yes! That is exactly what I was thinking of! It's like the lottery balls rolling around, and like, "Ooh, what's gonna come out?" What platform is it gonna be? Show me, strange clacking machine! And it makes a particular noise, and…\\
'''Brady:''' Like there's some random element involved because things are hitting each other.

-->'''Grey:''' Well, let's find out. ''[starts typing]''\\
'''Brady:''' You're not ''Googling'' if 29's a prime number, are you?\\
'''Grey:''' ''[still typing]'' I would, I would, I would, uhh, [[BlatantLies I would never do that]].

-->'''Brady:''' That's nice though, isn't it? Isn't that a nice thing?\\
'''Grey:''' I can't go to any of these places anymore, now.

-->''[there is a shifting sound while Brady is talking]''\\
'''Grey:''' You're touching your microphone right now, by the way.\\
'''Brady:''' ''[astonished]'' You're right, I did! I did!\\
'''Grey:''' ''[mock surprise]'' Ohh, look at that. Hmmm.\\
'''Brady:''' I rotated the base! You're amazing!

-->'''Brady:''' Does it feel different when you're further away from me? Do you feel it? Like do you feel a separation, a distance?\\
'''Grey:''' ''[completely deadpan]'' There is a longing in my heart for you, Brady. And the further apart we are, the stronger it grows. Without a doubt.\\
'''Brady:''' I dunno, I don't believe you.\\
'''Grey:''' I don't understand why you wouldn't believe me. It's like our souls are connected with a rubber band. And the further apart we are, the stronger that feeling grows. That's how I feel about you.\\
'''Brady:''' Is this how you talk to your wife? With this much sincerity?\\
'''Grey:''' ''[sheepishly]'' Uh… ''[both laugh]''\\
'''Brady:''' ''[in a droning, stilted voice]'' "I love you more than life itself."

-->'''Brady:''' We'll see what happens. That depends on you. That depends on how much you help me. On how much you work with me on my anecdotes, and how much you work against me with just being silent and going "I don't understand what you're talking about. What's the point of this?"\\
'''Grey:''' Well, I'm going to give you…I'm gonna give you…a free flower emoji, right now. Here you go. Sent you a free flower emoji. Does that make you happy? ''[Brady laughs]'' Yeah? D'you like that?\\
'''Brady:''' D'you know what?\\
'''Grey:''' What?\\
'''Brady:''' That worked!\\
''[Grey laughs his head off]''

-->'''Brady:''' There does seem something wrong with public acclamation, and a statue for someone, celebrating their introversion.\\
'''Grey:''' Yeah, I'm not quite sure how you would do that statue. Maybe the statue would actually be… It would be a house, and you can only see it from the outside, and the actual statue is on the inside. That would be a monument to introversion. That's how that would work.

-->'''Grey:''' When you're flying over the endless, deadly Atlantic Ocean … I'm trying to sleep, but I will wake up and just suddenly think about, "Thousands of feet below you is an endless black abyss of nothingness."\\
'''Brady:''' It's not nothing! It's a whole lot of water and fish and…\\
'''Grey:''' Yeah. Things that can eat you, and cold death by exposure. And I think that on flights ''anyway'', but then to have in addition, "Oh, I wonder if they really taped that leak up good or not", this is not something that I really want to know about.

-->'''Grey:''' I can hear you drinking over there.\\
'''Brady:''' Well what am I supposed to do?! You edit that out! That's like your job!\\
'''Grey:''' Yeah, I know that's my job!\\
'''Brady:''' Well then what's the point of telling me you heard me?!\\
'''Grey:''' I – I don't know why I did that. I'm sorry. I have no idea why that just happened. I should have just kept my mouth shut. Now I have this whole section to edit out.

-->'''Grey:''' What I was just thinking is, Derek travels so much that he's like a quantum waveform over all the cities of the world at once. And so there must always be a non-zero chance that Derek is in any particular city at any particular time.\\
'''Brady:''' Or maybe it's a bit more Schrödinger, and he's in ''two'' places at the ''same'' time!\\
'''Grey:''' Right, right. But then you observe him in Boston, and so suddenly he's in Boston, and he's not in the other places that he could be.\\
'''Brady:''' So if I'd been in San Francisco, I could've had dinner with him there as well.\\
'''Grey:''' Yes, you could've had dinner with him in San Francisco. Like, there's an infinite number of universes where he's sending out messages that he's in all of the various cities. And it just collapses to the one where you are. So I think maybe bumping into Derek all over the world is much less unlikely than we might first assume.

-->'''Brady:''' He expressed a lot of gratitude to me for starting this whole "Dirk" thing. … He really appreciates it, and said, "Keep it up. I really enjoy all the comments and things that happen as a result," he said.\\
'''Grey:''' Yeah? If I message him now, is that what I'm gonna hear from Derek? I don't think it is!\\
'''Brady:''' He may not ''remember'' saying it…\\
'''Grey:''' Ohhh, okay! I think I might be hearing a different story from Derek of Veritasium, if I actually message him directly, I think. You are full of lies, Brady. Full of lies.

--->'''Brady:''' I can't imagine your running action. I just can't imagine what that would be like.\\
'''Grey:''' It's ''amazing'', Brady. I don't ''like'' to run, but when I do run it is majestic. … It's like watching Tom Cruise run. It's just amazing. It's cinematic, is what it is.

-->'''Brady:''' I'm quite tactile when I'm shopping, so I like to stroke all the fabric and stuff. … So if I'm looking at dresses and that, I feel quite comfortable sort of stroking all the dresses and the fabric, to see what they're like. But if I'm in the bra section, I feel like I will look a bit wrong if I'm, like, stroking…stroking…underwear?\\
'''Grey:''' ''[probably sarcastic, but who knows]'' ''Nooo'', nooo! Brady, you have to touch it, to know the quality of the material! So I don't see… You should definitely go ahead with this behavior.

--->'''Brady:''' CGP Grey [the penguin] was just hiding in the corner with his mum or dad. He or she did not partake of the fish, 'cause Grey's too young for that sort of thing. But all the other penguins were just freaking out and eating tons and tons of fish.\\
'''Grey:''' I do have to say, that is the moment that I felt the closest to CGP Grey the penguin, was when there was a huge, huge amount of activity, and hustle and bustle, going on in this penguin arena, and he or she decided that the ''corner'' was the best place to be. The corner, behind a bush, basically…by himself.

-->'''Brady:''' They did say that they have actually been doing surgery listening to ''our'' podcast now, as well.\\
'''Grey:''' I hope that is not true. I ''really'' hope, if you're a surgeon, that you are ''not'' listening to this podcast during surgery. It makes me want to be very serious all the time, so we don't accidentally say anything that could be remotely funny to any human. Because I'm just imagining a surgeon with their knife in a precarious location, and suddenly "Ahaha!", and it plunges the knife into sensitive pieces? No, this is no good. ''Please'' don't listen to the podcast, surgeons.\\
'''Brady:''' Tweet Grey if you're doing surgery right now.\\
'''Grey:''' ''[laughs]'' I like that image, of the surgeon with the scalpel in one hand, and their iPhone 6 in the other hand, trying to awkwardly reach around the screen, like "Oh, hah, let me tweet right now!" Oh no. It's no good. It's no good at all.

-->'''Brady:''' The people listening already know what we decided. … I love it. I love that they are more powerful than us right now. I almost feel like… I feel subservient to them at the moment, because they know something I don't know.\\
'''Grey:''' They aren't more powerful, they're just in the future.\\
'''Brady:''' Well that kinda does make you more powerful, doesn't it?\\
'''Grey:''' I guess, but they're not more powerful right ''now''. They're existing somewhere in the world as we are recording this…\\
'''Brady:''' Yeah, I mean they don't even know we're recording this; they're ''nothing'' to us right now.\\
'''Grey:''' …See, you swing in these ''wild'' extremes! "Oh, the listeners, they're ''vastly'' more powerful!" And then suddenly, "The listeners, they're ''nothing!''"\\
'''Brady:''' I'm a black and white kinda guy, and you, my friend, are [[{{Pun}} grey]].

-->'''Grey:''' I'm really freaking out…because I can literally reach over the microphone and ''touch'' your face! ''[reaches over the microphone and touches his face]''\\
'''Brady:''' D'you know what's strange? While I've been setting up I haven't actually looked up at you yet, and now I've just looked at you, and I feel really weird. So if it's alright with you, I'm just gonna look at my feet the whole time.

-->'''Grey:''' It's exhausting being in front of you! I'm not gonna lie! This is very strange!\\
'''Brady:''' You still look a bit freaked out, so I'm hoping you'll chill out soon.\\
'''Grey:''' I'm very relaxed.\\
'''Brady:''' You're relaxed.\\
'''Grey:''' …I'm not relaxed.

-->'''Brady:''' I'm not hearing a word you say, all I'm thinking is, "This guy hates objects."\\
'''Grey:''' I know! I know that's all you hear! I might as well be one of the parents in ''Charlie Brown'' right now. Every time I try to explain this, it's just "Wah wah-wah-wah-wah."

-->'''Grey:''' Did Giro have a Facebook page and slow-motion videos? ''[Brady's dog has both]''\\
'''Brady:''' If it was my dog it would've, but I don't think the German ambassador was so big on social media, so…\\
'''Grey:''' Well, that's probably why they lost the war.

* Grey recounts his troubles with navigating Google Plus: "Every once in a while, when I log in to YouTube, I have a small heart attack, because I look on the corner, and it says 'CGP Grey', and I'm logged in, and I go to click on my videos, and there's ''nothing'' there… And ''every time'', I go 'GAAAAASP', because my whole livelihood has just been thrown into doubt…"

'''Grey:''' No, I was just very tired. I was very tired, and you were last on my e-mail queue, and… I thought I was being much more rational than I was… But yes, I send you a rather rambly e-mail that did not make a whole lot of sense when I saw it in the morning, and I was slightly embarrassed. And yes, that was perfectly timed to come after the show about sending efficient e-mails.

* Every episode opens with an out-of-context sound bite from a conversation that was cut from the episode. (Usually a conversation they had before they technically "started" the podcast.) They're always funny, and sometimes the the lack of context makes them funnier than they'd be otherwise. e.g.: "First of all, I would probably pay you to ''not'' stick a fork into your leg."

* How obedient the listeners are to Grey and Brady's commands (e.g. "Tweet us if you're on a plane right now" or "Stop the podcast and go listen to ''Serial'' because there's going to be spoilers") — and how Grey is ''always'' surprised by how many people actually do it.

* Grey's tendency to deliberately bring something up for discussion — even shows or movies, which listeners have to go watch if they want to avoid spoilers — only to end up talking about why he ''doesn't'' like it.

* In one episode, Grey and Brady warned the listeners that there would be spoilers for the first season of the podcast ''Serial''. Because it's 12 episodes and several hours long, Grey was 100% confident that ''absolutely no one'' was actually going to pause the podcast to listen to it. He assured listeners that it was going to be the last topic of the episode, so he assumed that everyone would either keep going and not worry about spoilers, or would simply skip the rest of the episode. Grey was shocked to learn that many, many listeners actually ''did'' pause the podcast at that exact moment, listened to the ''entire'' first season of ''Serial'', and then picked up ''Hello Internet'' right where they left off.

* "I got out that website that does those… How do you say it? "Anti-podes"? "Anti-po-dees"? How do you do it, when you look at what's on the exact opposite side of the Earth from where you are?" "Uh, Earth sandwich. That's what that is."

* "I was trying to figure out if that's the furthest apart we've ever been." "Awww." "'Cause you know how you say [[CallBack there's that rubber band between us, and it really hurts you when we're far apart?]]" "…Do I say that?" "Yeah, I'm sure you've said something like that before." "Hmm. Okay."

** To test his theory, Grey suggests that the listeners start "vastly overreacting to 'n——ty' as some kind of shockingly dirty sexual word", to see what happens.

* The intro: (Brady) "I seem to be doing everything correctly. Touch wood. But not too often, 'cause you get upset when I touch the wood." (Grey) [["DoubleEntendre I get upset when you touch your wood."]] (Brady) "Don't you sound all… Don't… Stop it! You're not normally that rude! You have got a rude streak sometimes, Grey!" (Grey) "I do not. I do not." (Brady) "You do. You do. You have a naughty side."

'''Grey:''' ''[still typing]'' I would, I would, I would, uhh, I would never do that.

** The zookeeper thanked Hello Internet for coming and giving their support: "She'd obviously been told to say this, and clearly had no idea what Hello Internet was, and it sounded like the most robotic thank you … And yet I felt strangely proud. I was like, 'Oh wow, we're a real thing now, because a zookeeper said us to a crowd of people.'"

!!Miscellaneous

!!Unsorted

* In one episode, Grey and Brady warned the listeners that there would be spoilers for the first season of the podcast ''Serial''. Because it's 12 episodes and several hours long, Grey was 100% confident that absolutely no one was actually going to pause the podcast to listen to it. He assumed that everyone would either keep going and not care about spoilers, or would simply skip the rest of the episode. Grey was shocked to learn that many, many listeners actually ''did'' pause the podcast at that exact moment, listened to the ''entire'' first season of ''Serial'', and then picked up ''Hello Internet'' right where they left off.

!!Episode 1

!!Episode 2

!!Episode 4

!!Episode 7

!!Episode 8

!!Episode 9

!!Episode 11

!!Episode 12

!!Episode 17

!!Episode 18

!!Episode 19

!!Episode 20

!!Episode 21

!!Episode 23

!!Episode 28

!!Episode 29

!!Episode 31

!!Episode 32

!!Episode 34

!!Episode 35

!!Episode 36

!!Episode 37

!!Episode 38

!!Episode 39

!!Episode 40

* This is a special episode where Grey and Brady met ''in person'' and recorded the podcast on ''video'' at the Royal Society. (Their faces aren't in-frame, though.)

'''Grey:''' Well, that's probably why they lost the war.